Flipping the Switch

As I’ve mentioned before, I used to keep a card in my wallet that said “Never fall in love with your guy friends”. You only carry something like that with you if you have to.

My relationship pattern is cyclical. I’m about to open a window into myself. Are you ready?

(There’s a part of me that feels like I shouldn’t write this on such an open forum, but I feel the need to. It might help someone out there to understand me better. More likely, it might help someone out there to understand someone else who may behave the way I do. May this help someone, so that I’m not just throwing out extremely personal information for no reason.)

Here’s how I work:

Something jumps up and bites me. I know you’re not supposed to wait around for things in life, and I don’t, but I swear that they come more often when I’m not looking for them. Someone enters my life in a casual, quiet way. It’s usually person I’m just meeting, but occasionally it’s someone that I just haven’t seen in awhile or have a distant friendship with. I never notice at first. I take the encounter for what it is (which panders from “completely forgettable but generally pleasant” to “wonderfully fun”), and I leave it as a moment in time, not expecting it to be repeated. (I often found out several weeks later that the meeting was a bigger moment for the male in question than it was for me… hence how this progresses).

For one reason or another, this guy is usually placed into a category that I like to label “As Good As Gay”. This means that the guy might as well be gay in my eyes, because nothing could ever happen between us. I mentally take all possibility of a relationship off the table right from the get-go. Things that might get a guy the label “As Good As Gay” include:

1. He is dating someone.
2. I am dating someone.
3. He is interested in another female on a level somewhere between “significant crush” and “stalker-like obsession”.
4. One of my friends is interested in him.
5. One of my friends has dated him in the past.
6. He lives far away.
7. We’ve never actually met in real life.
8. I suspect that he might actually be a homosexual.

Most fellows get into this label and never leave it (such as my good friend Mike, who is like an adopted sibling to me… We’ve agreed that neither of us could ever make a move on the other, as it would be practically incestuous)… But with certain others, there’s a problem…

You see, by removing the possibility of a relationship from the table, at least in my own mind (although I have in the past gone so far as to tell the male that I plan on us being buddies, in the strictest sense of the word), I have removed the stress. I’m not trying too hard to please anyone. I’m not wondering if I should be going for cute, sexy, or flirty, and therefore I’m not attempting all three and failing miserably. I’m something much closer to myself (despite the fact that I don’t always have a good handle on who that is). And thus, I end up being quirky, charming, and occasionally exactly what this male wanted me to be in the first place.

We hang out more, with me thinking that we’re destined to be good friends. I become more attached. Familiar. Comfortable. We have an emotional affair. I develop a platonic love for the person (or, as I like to call it, a non-sexual crush). Everything is lovely and wonderful and just right as it is. Nothing needs to change. We are good friends. Kindred spirits, even.

Then, one of two things happens.

1. We float out of each others lives as easily as we floated in. This emotional affair was a brief fling. We remain good friends, and we brush back together from time to time, always wondering why we have such difficulty staying in touch.

OR

2. The switch gets flipped.

What switch, you ask? The “As Good As Gay” switch. Something happens that puts the possibility of a different sort of relationship back on the table.

Once, it was the guy telling me that he’d give up his obsessive crush on another girl if he thought he had a chance with me. Once it was the fellow dancing with me in a hallway shortly after learning that my friend was over him. Once it was me suddenly being single and running into the guy randomly. But there’s a distinct, key moment when it hits me like a semi-truck. (And it’s often at a horribly inopportune time.)

Something feels wrong. My life is off-balance. Something that was a fact before (that he and I could never possibly be anything other than friends) has now been called into question. Suddenly, the sun is spinning around the moon, the oceans have leapt into the sky, and my stomach is in my throat. I try to escape. I leave the room. Or I cut off contact for a few days. It’s just something I cannot possibly deal with. I need time to myself to sort out how I feel about the whole matter (and I usually end up e-mailing a dear friend who is far removed from the situation to help me decode everything without bias).

Overnight, I remember that this friend of mine is male. And fascinating. And compassionate. And attractive. And I can’t understand how I’ve let it escape my attention for so long.

Then the confusion sets in. Am I infatuated with him? Do I want things to change? Is he interested in me? Am I only questioning our friendship because I suspect that he’s interested in me? Maybe I’m not interested in him at all… Am I using him?

I worry. I go into all the worst-case-scenarios. I play “devil’s advocate” against myself for hours on end. I tell myself all the reasons why this is a bad idea, and I see if I can talk myself out of it (which I occasionally can… I’m very convincing).

What if we lose what we have? What if this disappears? Will being interested ruin the friendship? Will not being interested ruin the friendship? Have I gone so far into over-thinking this that I have ruined the friendship already?

I try to figure out how to make him lose interest in me, as that seems like the simplest plan. I talk myself down a bit more than usual (although, let’s be honest, I’d do it anyway). I talk about other guys a little more. I hint that being anything other than friends would a bad idea (if only because I’m trying to convince myself of this).

But then I think that perhaps it would be horrible if he did, in fact, lose interest. After all, the male is splendid (that is why choose to interact with him, after all). Maybe I’m cheating myself out of something great. And maybe I really want this. If he were to talk about other girls, would I be jealous?

Oh no. I consider that maybe he only wants to be my friend because he’s interested in me. If I talk him out of being interested in me, will I also lose this person I’ve been bonding with?

And maybe I want it to change. Maybe I want this to be more/bigger/better than it is. Maybe I should throw myself forward.

It seems, somewhere along the line, I developed strong feelings for/about this person. And I haven’t sorted out exactly what they are yet. But something needs to be done… I know I need to make a choice, but I’m the least decisive person on the planet.

So I make awkward half-steps forward and backward for awhile, hoping that I won’t have to make that choice. Eventually, I imagine, what I’m supposed to do will become blatantly obvious. And in the meantime, I’m a bit of a mess.

There you have it. My pattern in a nutshell.

Honestly, I don’t even know what I want in a relationship. I know that my Savior Complex figures into things a great deal. Some people want to find someone they “need”. Some people want to find someone that “needs” them. Some people want a relationship where both people are completely autonomous but can draw support from each other while neither really “needing” the other person, nor being needed. And me? I want both. I want to need someone who needs me. I want to be hopelessly co-dependent.

I have had dreams about living in a cultish, hermit-like state with others in some sort of combine. It feels warm and cozy, like a giant slumber party. It feels like Saturday mornings watching television in my pajamas while my dad plays the piano. It feels like home. (Of course, I also have nightmares about being drugged by a man who wants to shave my head and sell my hair on the black market, so I guess I shouldn’t put TOO much stock in dreams.)

I want someone to have little adventures with. I don’t want the sit down dinners and the big romantic gestures. I don’t want roses and chocolates on Valentine’s Day. I want someone unpredictable, passionate, and silly. I want spontaneity and frenzy. I want child-like, carefree fun. I want to run around with my hair in my eyes and my shoelaces flopping untied on the pavement, and having someone there with me who finds it just as refreshing as I do.

Anyway. If I’m right, there are a handful of guys reading this who are “As-Good-As-Gay” in my eyes right now. I just wanted to let you know that if you’re interested, and if you think you can be "that guy" for me, please find a way to flip the switch (it’s not impossible… the two boyfriends I’ve had started out As-Good-As-Gay). There has recently been, of course, someone in my life who was in the “zone of confusion” (which is why I felt the need to write this), but I think I’ve sorted that out now. At least, I hope I have.

May you know your own patterns and how to break them if you need to.

Much love,

~A~

P.S. Starting at 12:01am, I will be working on NaNoWriMo. This means I will be blogging in a foreign format for the next month. I will elaborate tomorrow, and I hope you enjoy it.