Old Poetry

So I'm going through my high school journal (which, let me tell you, is pretty hilarious) at the moment. I started because my friend Kate said that Megan McCafferty (author of Sloppy Firsts) has been tweeting parts of her own journal. And it was a fantastic decision.

Anyway.

I found this poem that I wrote awhile back. I'm pretty sure it was meant to be spoken poetry (as I wrote it right around the time that I discovered Russell Simmons' Def Poetry Jam), so use your imagination. Or recite it. Whatever.


07/29/02

I lie on my bed
as you run through my head
and I remember you said
those little words of encouragement
never discouragement
never knew what courage meant
until I tried
and I spied
and I lost my pride
somehow inside
a river that drowned me
but still you found me
why must you bound me
with this invisible wire?
I quickly tire
from this melting fire
as you call me a liar
and say we're not attached
that we've always mismatched
and now, with my feelings dispatched
and I can't help but feel
I've lost control of the wheel
and this strife
is just life
and though you try to ignore
attempt to bore
I think to myself,
while putting you back on the shelf,
that maybe I don't know you anymore.

The Good News

(Me as Vittoria, my Commedia dell'Arte character for Movement class. 04/24/10)

I am officially done with classes. Which is crazy. I've been in a pattern for the last two years of my life that is about to change drastically, and I feel somewhat thrown by that.

Of course, I have another year at my Conservatory (during which I'll be acting in the Cool Regional Theatre, instead of taking classes). And before that, I'll be in classes in London for 6 weeks. But that's so not the same thing.

My super-secret callback for that pre-Broadway musical run? It went HORRENDOUSLY badly. Embarrassingly badly. I won't go into the whole story, but let it suffice to say that after singing, they didn't even keep me around to read the sides from the script that they had asked me to prepare. It was bad. And it made my self-esteem sink to a level even lower than my norm.

But then yesterday, I got my casting for the season.

My self-esteem has bounced back as a result. I'm just fine.

Unfortunately, after a couple of my classmates and I posted our casting on facebook, I promptly received 4 (FOUR!!!) e-mails from people who work at the theatre asking me to remove it from my profile (with degrees of tone varying from polite-yet-stern to scalding-veiled-threat). Why they didn't tell us that the casting was confidential when they gave it to us is beyond me. (Especially as they usually make a point to tell me if there's something that I can't put in my blog... which, fortunately for them, I hadn't done with my casting yet.)

So I deleted my casting from my facebook status. But when I ran into the head of my program today, he yelled at me about it once more. Even though I had already taken it down. You know, in case the FOUR E-MAILS I had received hadn't properly conveyed the severity of my misstep. *sigh*

But I do have a good season. I may not have gotten into the musical, but I did get a great role. In fact, I got exactly the wish that I sent To the Universe. And on top of the great role that I got, I'm also in the ensembles of two other shows, and I'm going to be in a new play festival in some as-yet-to-be-determined capacity.

In short, I'll quote Natalie Imbruglia when she won the MTV Video Music Award for Best New Artist in 1998:

I am a very happy bunny.

(\ (\
(='-')
(_")")

Sadly, I cannot say the same for all of my classmates. I'm not positive that I've heard/remembered everything correctly, but I think the breakdown* is:

- One girl has 2 leads and 1 supporting role. (yeah, she totally cleaned up... but she's fiercely talented)
- One boy has 1 lead, and is in the super-awesome-pre-Broadway musical (but his role is TBA).
- One boy has 1 lead, 1 supporting role, and 2 ensemble roles.
- I have 1 lead, and 2 ensemble roles.
- One boy has 1 lead, and 2 ensemble roles
- One girl has 1 lead, and 1 ensemble role.
- Three boys have 1 supporting role and 3 ensemble roles.
- One girl has 3 ensemble roles. (which sucks, and I don't fully understand why it happened)
- (And one girl hasn't gotten her casting yet... but based on what we haven't heard casting for yet, I'm going to guess that she has 2 leads, and 1 ensemble)

*(Note: If I wrote "lead", it means they fall somewhere between "awesome, good-sized role" to "star of the play". If I wrote "supporting" it means "character with a name". If I wrote "ensemble" in means that they were told something like "maid", "lady", "servant", "ensemble", or "chorus" in their casting meetings.)

Actually, when I break it down like that, my stuff doesn't look quite as exciting as it actually is to me. But trust me, I AM EXCITED. (ETA: Also, in comparison to the class ahead of us, my class fared better on average.)

And you know what? It's hard to be excited when you're around people who are disappointed. Especially when those people are ones whom you love, care about, and believe in.

I know what they're going through, because I went through it this year. I know what it feels like to be given a mediocre-to-weak season while surrounded by people who got great ones. I know how it makes you question yourself, and your talent, and your reputation. It makes you wonder how others perceive you, and makes you want to defend yourself. It puts you in a position of continually seeking validation. And that sucks.

I spent so much of yesterday worried about the disappointed people I love, that I actually took very little time to revel in my own luck and success. Also, it doesn't feel real yet.

It's funny; doing badly in my musical callback shook up my world. But great casting brought me to a state of relief more than one of joy.

Maybe it's just that I've regained equilibrium.

Or maybe failure is more immediately tangible than success.

Or maybe I can't process the happiness because of the melancholy around me.

But I am content.

And relieved.

And proud.

And validated.

Yes. And I'll take it.

May the good outweigh the bad in the end.

And may the sadness of others never prevent you from feeling joy.

~A~

It's Tough to Have a Crush

If a person had a long-standing history of hopping out of your nice and tidy "As Good As Gay" box...

And if that person was in a relationship and off-limits...

But seemed to be verbally and physically propositioning you anyway during the time he was coupled...

And you found that person entirely attractive...



Then if that person suddenly became single, and therefore no longer off limits...

And then at a party a couple of days later, in his newly-single state, was drunkenly throwing himself at every female in sight -- EXCEPT for you...

That would suck.




And if, at said party, he made a comment about how he wanted you to lose your virginity to some random guy in London by the time your study abroad program ended...

I think you'd feel pretty justified in throwing a back-handed slap square in his chest.



(Of course, you'd apologize the next day. But it wouldn't matter, as he was so drunk that he had no recollection of anything.)



And you'd feel silly. And jealous of every girl that he preferred to you. And even sillier for feeling jealous.

And once again, you'd go back to attempting to talk yourself out of him. And try to stuff him back into that nice neat little box that he rejects so often.




May you find people to want who want you back.

~A~

To My Secret-Keepers

(Me and my classmate Wifey. Yes, I'm tan, thanks for noticing. 04/14/10)

I am an excellent secret-keeper.

I am also an excellent source of information (including that of a restricted nature).

As a result, most people don't know about (or perhaps would not be inclined to believe in) my secret-keeping prowess. But I promise it's true.

I am still holding on to some major secrets that people have told me in the past. I've held one of them for 13 years, and I've never told anyone (and it is still pertinent information today). And I've discovered secrets that I really shouldn't know about that I've kept without being asked to. This includes at least one secret that affects me deeply, and that I am pained by the weight of, to the point that I occasionally hide it from myself.

But honestly? I hate keeping secrets. Especially my own.

So to the dedicated handful of followers who read this blog, even when I have long absences from it, I will now deign you my secret keepers. You have played that role for me already, as you know. And have read some blog posts that have since gone back to the mysterious land of "drafts", where I hope most people will never see them.

Today, I have two secrets for you. Keep them for me.


The first secret...

Remember a now-deleted theoretical post about what someone might do if they were put into a potentially abusive situation with a classmate or coworker?

Well, I took an action. An action I wasn't planning to take. A rather mild one, actually.

I haven't seen and repercussions of it yet. But I'm terrified of them.

And I already regret ever having said or done anything at all.

In this particular case, I just don't think it was worth the risk.

Especially since things are calm at the moment... and I may have just aggravated the waters.




The second secret...

Remember how I was asked to audition for a pre-Broadway run of a musical?

They've asked me to audition again.

And they've asked me not to tell anyone.

Normally, the theatre asking me to hide something from my classmates is something that I would falsely agree to, but then promptly disobey. After all, I hate keeping secrets. And I see no reason to keep theatre secrets from my class (whom I firmly believe should know what's going on at all times if they wish to).

And since my classmates will know my casting in 8 days anyway, it seems silly not to tell them about an audition I have in 6 days...

But I'm not going to tell them.

First of all, I don't want them to be jealous.

Second, I don't want them to beat themselves up for the next 8 days over it.

Third, if I end up not getting into the show, I don't want them to know that I had a second chance and failed.

...

(Yes, I know that the third one is silly, selfish, negative, and vain. But it's in my head.)

Fourth, this secret makes me feel a little bit powerful. The previous times I've had secrets of this nature about casting handed to me by the theatre, a select few held the same information that I did. And it seemed obvious that the information would get around. But right now, I am the only person that knows that I have this audition. Not a single one of my classmates knows. Neither of my roommates knows. The people who know are me, the people in charge of the theatre, my parents, and now you.

I suppose you could say that by putting this on the internet, I'm not keeping the secret very well. And maybe you're right. After all, I know a few people down here that know of this blog's existence. It's possible that my classmate Wifey (or her husband) is reading it right now. Or a certain 3rd-year. But I trust them. And frankly, I'm pretty sure that they don't read this anymore.



Anyway. Those are the things in my life that I don't talk about with people down here. Thank you for being my confidants.


May you be better secret-keepers than I have been today.

~A~

The Countdowns

Fun and frivolous:

- 3 days until I try to sneak in to a reading that Steve Buscemi is doing in town.
- 4 days until I get to see John Landis speak.
- 6 days until the clothing swap.


A little more importantly:

7 days until my Voice showing
9 days until my Acting showing
10 days until my Movement showing


Of the utmost importance:

- 10 days until I'm done with grad school classes (although I'll still have a year in school... but it'll be as an actor more than as a student)
- 14 days until I find out my casting for the coming season.
- 17 days until my final Assessments
- 22 days until I get on a plane for London



I'm not going to worry.
I'm not going to worry.
I'm not going to worry.

I'm going to stay positive.
I'm going to stay positive.
I'm going to stay positive.


May you keep your chin up while you're counting down.

~A~


P.S. I don't have bangs. Or purple hair. Or pink hair. April fools.

New Hair

So technically, I'm not allowed to dye or cut my hair.

Because of the theatre.

No, I'm not kidding.

But I'm not in any shows until October.

And I have a suspicion that they're not casting me in anything.

So I went a little crazy tonight...




Dark red with purple and pink streaks. Oh, and I have bangs.

Bite me, theatre.


Down with the man,

~A~


P.S. APRIL FOOLS!!!