Ring Around the Moon

Not long after midnight on January 1st, I saw something that I'd never seen before.


I didn't take this picture, but I did see this phenomenon. All I could think of was the musical version of The Spitfire Grill, and the lyrics to the song, "Ring Around the Moon".

"Ring around the moon
Bigger world than me
Ready or not
Here I come
Olly olly oxen free"

They look like terrible lyrics, now that I've typed them up, but it's actually a moving song. It's a woman moving forward in her life, taking risks, and hoping that everything is going to work out. And to me, it felt like a good beginning to the journey called 2010.

(Note: Technically, 2010 is the LAST year of the decade, not the FIRST year of a new decade as most people seem to believe... The millennium started in 2001 because there was no Year 0. Our calendar goes from 1 BC to 1 AD. And by the same logic, the next decade technically begins a year from now. Not that any of that is actually important, nor do I need you to believe me; I just figured that this blog was an appropriate place to air that pet peeve of mine. Okay, I'm done.)

I have to say, I have no complaints on the first few days of 2010. They've been pretty stellar as far as days can go. And not just because I saw Bernadette Peters in concert last night (although it certainly didn't hurt... if I were the sort of person who wanted to have children, I would name a daughter Bernadette. That woman is a sequined river of emotion).

I've talked for hours with people I adore. I've done a little bargain-hunting (fingerless gloves for a dollar... I win at shopping). I've cuddled in a bed with two gay men (strangely, the bed didn't belong to any of us). And I spent time with someone I admire who made me feel more attractive and desirable than I've felt in a long while.

And the year hasn't yet ticked past the 12th day of Christmas... (which is traditionally January 6th, the feast day of the Epiphany, for those of you who were always confused by that song.) So a great deal of good feelings have been packed solidly into a short period of time. And I've loved it.

So what now?

Not long after midnight on New Year's Day, I mentioned to someone I barely knew that I didn't have a resolution yet for the new year. His response:

"Maybe that's because you're finally becoming okay with who you are. And maybe your resolution should just be to enjoy it."

This coming from someone whose name I learned a few hours before. It was like conversing with a fortune cookie.

Then yesterday, I met up with a friend I haven't seen since before I started graduate school, who bestowed upon me more compliments than I deserve. I can't recall the exact wording of the compliment that may have been the greatest of the set, but it was something along the lines of:

"You're more yourself than you used to be. You're more confident. You're just more you now."

I don't know if it's true, but I was grateful from my core for the words.

Maybe that's where the last year has brought me.

Usually, I look back on a year with positive thoughts, but I don't really feel that way about 2009. It's wasn't a particularly BAD year, per se. Only one person I cared greatly for died, and she was elderly (which, in my opinion, lessens the blow a bit). No one in my family lost their jobs, which should be cause for celebration. But emotionally, it was a year of trauma for me. And it was a year during which I did a great deal of healing, most of which I had to do alone.

Maybe I have, in fact, grown. Maybe I am more "me" than I was before, although I must admit that I'm still not entirely certain as to what that means. And maybe instead of changing things and fixing myself, I do indeed need to just start appreciating myself and all that I've become.

But it's me, and I couldn't possibly go without resolutions... So first, let's review.

Last year's resolutions were:

- Call my brothers more often.
(Sort of... Not enough. But I saw them plenty, so I felt like I didn't need to.)
- Stop trying to talk myself into things and out of things. Just let them happen, and take them as they are.
(Getting better at it, but not great yet.)
- Make up my own mind about things, instead of just agreeing with the opinions of others.
(Getting much better)
- Acknowledge my emotions and then let them go, instead of pushing them aside and letting them control me.
(Getting better, but I sucked at it post-Filmmaker)
- Stop taking personal responsibility for the happiness of others.
(Still terrible with this)
- Be more assertive. Stop letting people take advantage of me just because I'm nice.
(Still terrible with this)
- Stop judging people based on their history or reputation.
(Getting better)



And this year? Well, I guess I'll make some up now.

1. Enjoy being myself.
Because I think that first random guy might have been right.

2. Find a better way to deal with injustices in my life than with bitterness and grudges.
The sooner I find a way to converse with Alpha while staying true to myself, the better.

3. Cut back on spending in order to save money for my study abroad program in London.
I head to London on May 5th, and I'll be there until mid-June.

4. Stop taking personal responsibility for the happiness of others.
It's a valuable lesson that is taking me a very long time to learn.

5. Put more time and energy into looking fabulous.
2010 is going to be The Year of the Crimson Diva. At formal events, I'm going red nails, red lips, pale skin, false eyelashes, high heels, Dita Von Teese style diva. And people will fucking love me for it. ;)

6. Make a mental box other than "As Good As Gay" to contain the problem men in who keep flipping the switch and evading the AGAG label.
Maybe less of a box, and more of a jail cell. I'll make the sketchy ones keep their distance... and perhaps let the others out for good behavior.


May you be who you are. And may you enjoy it.

~A~




P.S. I couldn't find these lyrics online, so I took the liberty of typing them up.

"Outside in the night, there's a ring around the moon
The wind sings in barbed wire; I've listened to the tune
What seems like fifty years, or maybe it was five
It's hard to count the days when you're buried alive

Outside of these walls is a bigger world than me
I had no where to hide the last time I was free
I've circled on the map a place to start again
A town called Gilead
Close my eyes, and count to ten

And it's one one-thousand, two
Three one-thousand, four
Five one-thousand, six one-thousand
Seven one-thousand, more
Eight one-thousand, nine
Nine one-thousand, ten
Five years seemed like fifty
Now it's time to start again

Ring around the moon
Bigger world than me
Ready or not
Here I go
Olly olly oxen free
Olly olly oxen free

Two steps follow one, one step follows two
A ticket in my hand, a bus to somewhere new
A circle on a map, count the miles to go
On the road to Gilead
Down a highway I don't know

It's one mile turnin' two
Three miles turns to four
Five miles turns to fifty
Then a hundred miles more
Bus rolls to a stop
Driver turns to me
"This is Gilead
What there is, is what you see."

A ring around the moon
Bigger world than me
Ready or not
Here I come
Olly olly oxen free..."

Best of 2009 (abridged)

#best09 ???

I've been reading other people's blogs following those "Best of 2009" prompts. And really, I didn't feel like doing it every day, but I did want to look back on my year and at least answer some of them. So here are the ones that I felt were worth mentally revisiting.


What was your best trip in 2009?
Okay, trips I took this year:
- I went to Tallahassee a couple of times to visit my then-boyfriend, The Filmmaker
- I went to Disney World on day trips twice in May.
- I was in Connecticut to work this summer.
- I flew to Tallahassee to act in a short film.
- I went to Connecticut for Thanksgiving.
- And I flew to Connecticut on December 13th (where I will be until the end of December) for the holidays.

I'm going to say my best trip was when I went to film the movie. Because anything involving The Filmmaker just seems depressing in retrospect. And I did learn a lot by working on that film. If I were allowed to, I'd put it on the internet and show it to you. It's just a goofy little 6-minute thing, but I like it.


What book - fiction or non - touched you? Where were you when you read it?
I read a fair amount this year, considering how much else was on my plate. I finally read Ender's Game (which The Filmmaker lent to me), which I loved.

But best of the year? That has to go to the whole Jessica Darling series. The first book in the series was Sloppy Firsts, which I read not long after I started this blog. This year, I read the final two books in the series: Fourth Comings and Perfect Fifths. I read both on my breaks in the dressing room for the last play I was in. Fourth Comings was mostly during Tech Week, and Perfect Fifths was during the run.

One of the things I love most about the series is how much it challenges me. I'm a pretty sharp cookie with a relatively extensive vocabulary, and I have to look up a word every couple of pages. I know what you're thinking: "She's over-estimating her vocabulary". But no. I have some very intelligent classmates, and when I asked THEM about the definitions of words during tech week, no one ever had an answer for me, even when given context. I had to make a list of words to Google when I got home. (And occasionally of pop culture references, especially ones from the 1980s).

I love the main character. She and I have a great deal in common (I know that everyone tries to liken themselves to their favorite book characters, but I swear there are a lot of obvious parallels... It's not like when I generically compared my childhood self to Hermione because I was a know-it-all with messy hair). She's far more clever than I, but also more cynical (vaguely Daria-style). And what I love most about her is that she's so very flawed (this is also the reason that the 5th Harry Potter book is my favorite: because Harry turns into kind of a jerk and stops being so sympathetic).

The fourth book left me confused and tangled. The first three took place over long periods of time (The first book is about 6 months, I think... The second is a couple of years, and the third is her entire college experience), but the fourth was quick (it took place over the course of a week. A WEEK). Also, it had a different story-telling device (the first three were comprised of letters and personal journals, but the fourth was a journal that WAS a letter... which sounds the same, but felt jarring. The entire book was the answer to a question.) As soon as I finished it, I think I shouted, "WHAT?!", and then immediately ordered the next book.

From the get-go, Book 5 was different from the others. Sort of magical. And the narration was omniscient. Completely, completely different. But the characters that I'd grown to love were there, and I was sucked in anyway. So the final book in the series (which takes place over the course of JUST ONE DAY) made me laugh, cry, scream at the characters, and just generally be filled with intense emotions for having come this far with a story.

And it worked. It won. And I loved it. And I cannot wait to read this series again. Seriously, I haven't been this excited about a series since Harry Potter. It hit me at the perfect time in my life, and I love it so deeply, I can't even articulate it. So, so, so good. Love.


Did you have a night out with friends or a loved one that rocked your world? Who was there? What was the highlight of the night?
Quasi-depressing answer... The best night of my year was probably the night that I first hung out with The Filmmaker and his Director friend. After a night of karaoke, we got Sonic and drove to the water, and talked until 3am. Me and two guys (because for whatever reason, I get along better with guys than girls) just hanging out and talking about nothing and everything. It felt like the first time I hung out with Brian at a Steak & Shake. I just felt... relaxed. And safe. And valuable. It was nice.


Blog find of the year. That gem of a blog you can't believe you didn't know about until this year.
I think it has to be ...love Maegan. She's a fashionista and a crafter, and she's just so darn likable.


Moment of peace. An hour or a day or a week of solitude. What was the quality of your breath? The state of your mind? How did you get there?
Through "...love Maegan", I found The Universal Breathing Room. I wrote about it here.


Album of the year. What's rocking your world?
Tough year to pick! Here are some of the albums I remember having acquired this year, with asterisks next to the ones I recommend:
*- "Come to Life" by Natalie Imbruglia.
*- "Everybody" by Ingrid Michaelson
*- "SONOSings" by Sonos
- "Siren" by Heather Nova
*- "Amanda Leigh" by Mandy Moore
*- "A Bomb in a Birdcage" by A Fine Frenzy
*- "Limits of the Sky" by The Bridges
- "Perfectly Clear" by Jewel
*- "Make Believe" by Platinum Weird
- "First Band on the Moon" by The Cardigans
*- "The Villers" by The Villers
- "West Side Story" Original Broadway Cast Recording
*- "Funhouse" by Pink
*- "The Fame" by Lady Gaga
- "The Lizzie McGuire Movie Soundtrack"
- "The Lizzie McGuire Soundtrack"
- "The Pulp Fiction Soundtrack"
- "All I Ever Wanted" by Kelly Clarkson (just got it today, and haven't heard enough to recommend it yet)

Natalie Imbruglia is my favorite singer, and "Come to Life" might be my favorite album of hers yet. I have an iPod dock in my car, but it's pretty much gone unused since I got this album in October, because I've just been playing the CD all the time. HIGHLY RECOMMEND!!!

Amanda Leigh by Mandy Moore is fantastic. If you're only familiar with Mandy Moore's bubble gum pop phase, please give her another chance. Her album Wild Hope is one of the best in my collection. Amanda Leigh isn't QUITE Wild Hope in my eyes (although it was reviewed better by most critics), but it's still great.

I love The Bridges, and I wish they would get more attention. Limits of the Sky is their first album. (I bought their EP in 2008 after seeing them open for The Bangles). It's gorgeous music, and really fun. I would call them pop, but they have sort of a folk/country/pop sound. There are four female singers in the group (they're cousins) and a male drummer (who doesn't sing). And they are really worth checking out.


What's the best change you made to the place you live?
We hung up art. It looks like a real home now.


When did you get your best rush of the year?
The understudy run for The Winter's Tale, hands down. I had a great, powerful role (Paulina), and I knew I was rocking it. And it felt great. I wish there had been a full audience.


Word or phrase. A word that encapsulates your year. "2009 was _____."
2009 was full of disappointments. I had a terribly failed relationship. I had lousy casting. I had a bunch of things that I've already complained too much about, I'm sure. It was a learning experience, as all unhappy times are. But I'm hoping that 2010 makes things shape up a bit. (Even the number "2010" looks happier than "2009", don't you think?)


Shop. Online or offline, where did you spend most of your mad money this year?
I have friends who work at Express and who are happy to share discounts with me, so I bought more there than I normally would have. And I look hot in all of it.


New person. She came into your life and turned it upside down. He went out of his way to provide incredible customer service. Who is your unsung hero of 2009?
The person who had the greatest impact on my life was undoubtedly The Filmmaker. But the person I think I learned the most from was my boss from the store I worked at over the summer (and am working at again while I'm home on break). She's one of those people who can respond to anything you bring up with "I used to sell that", "I'm trained in that", "I know a guy who...", etc. She's trained in Feng Shui, handwriting analysis, and dog whispering. She's worked like 80 different jobs. And if she doesn't know how to do something, she knows a guy, guaranteed. I can't tell you how much I've learned from her.


Web tool. It came into your work flow this year and now you couldn't live without it. It has simplified or improved your online experience.
I have three buttons on my browser that make everything better. I've named them "Share", "Note", and "Wish". The "Share" button makes things shared on Facebook. The "Note" button makes things noted in Google Reader. The "Wish" button (the newest of the three) puts things on my Universal Amazon Wishlist (you can put stuff on even if it's not on Amazon). They make my life a lot easier.


What's a gift you gave yourself this year that has kept on giving?
I gave myself Joy when I needed it the most. Shopping therapy. I had a really terrible September. So in October, I bought the next book in the "Jessica Darling" series, and Natalie Imbruglia's latest album. And then I went out and bought myself a pretty new dress. Should I have been spending money? Absolutely not. And normally, I would have spread out the joy from the CD I knew I'd love and the joy from the book I knew I'd love. But I needed every ounce of happiness I could get at that moment in time, so I went for it. And I'm glad I did. I don't indulge my inner-child enough. Sometimes she needs to get her way and be healed with good music, good books, and pretty things.


What was your biggest belly laugh of the year?
I don't know if it's the biggest, but a recent one is from my youngest brother. While playing the song "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree", he discovered that the lyric, "Maybe we'll have some pun'kin pie," sounds a lot like, "Maybe we'll have some f***in' pie". He's been playing that part of the song over and over again, and it makes me laugh every time.


Resolution you wish you'd stuck with. (You know, there's always next year...)
"Stop taking personal responsibility for the happiness of others." It was a goal at the beginning of the year, and I think I failed quite badly.






May you try to remember the "bests" instead of the "worsts".

~A~

My Eleven o'Clock Number

Someone taped our Musical Theatre showing. Unfortunately, it's blurry and from too far away. Also, the audio and visuals are a bit out of sync right now. We think it has something to do with the file type, so when I get back to Florida I'm going to see if there's a way to convert them...

But anyway. I thought I'd share it in case you were interested.



~A~

Me. Singing.

We had our Musical Theatre Showing on Saturday morning, and I was scared out of my mind.

Usually when I have to perform a song by myself I end up breaking out into hives, or vomiting, or crying hysterically.

But I didn't. And I'm proud of that.

So yes, I totally rush ahead of the accompaniment at a couple of spots. And yes, I'm flat in a couple of spots. And yes, my body does really awkward and horrible things that I regret in more than just a couple of spots.

But I'm proud of this, damn it.



~A~


P.S.
"People may say I can't sing, but no one can ever say I didn't sing."
~ Florence Foster Jenkins

American Boy

This is what my birthday turned into. Enjoy.


American Boy from Angela Boration on Vimeo
(D-Train, Two-Shots-Up, and me, drunkenly performing "American Boy" in my kitchen on my birthday.)

Everything's Swell

You know what sucks? Being sick. I am so not a fan.

I started feeling it Wednesday after the TnT matinee, on my way the Swell Season concert with my friend Amanda. We had stopped at a Thai restaurant for dinner and I was filling her in on my entire situation with Brian (the three of us went to high school together and she knows what a good guy he is... it's nice to be able to discuss the situation with someone who doesn't assume that he's the bad guy).

The Swell Season (a.k.a. Glen Hansard and Markéta Irglová, a.k.a. the people from Once who won the Oscar for their song "Falling Slowly" in February) was tremendously good live. Glen did some splendid, insane storytelling between songs. A couple of times it felt like it spent more time setting up the meaning of the songs than it took to actually play them.

One of the songs he said was about the manner in which we face obstacles. He said sometimes you come up to a wall, knowing that what you want is on the other side. And at some point, after realizing you can't climb over it, you have to turn your back on the wall and just start walking in the opposite direction. You walk, and you walk, and you walk... until eventually you walk all the way around the world, and you find yourself on the other side of the wall.

I'm not entirely sure what he was talking about, but it was a neat metaphor.

At another point they were singing a song about the moon, and he started talking about staring at the moon, and how he thought there was some truth to the origin of the word "lunacy" (luna = moon...), and that if you stare into a mirror you start to forget who you are... I don't know. He rambled into madness. It reminded me of watching Hamlet. :)

One of his stories involved falling in love with a Goth chick in high school, and buying her a grave in a cemetery for Christmas one year. And he stood down in a hole in the ground, wanting to ask her to marry him, but deciding he should ask something bigger and more important than that... So he asked her if she would be buried next to him.

My favorite bit of his rambling had to do with the tarot card "The Fool". I don't know anything about tarot (I'm Catholic, so I'm fairly certain it's against my religion), but he said The Fool was the most respected card, and that we should all aspire to The Fool. After all, The Fool serves his most immediate needs as they arise. Glen said the coolest people he's ever met were either children or old people. The rest of us spend our lives strategizing, planning, manipulating, analyzing... Whereas the very young and the very old will just think something like... "I'm hungry". They serve their immediate needs, and they don't worry about the mess outside of them.

During "Falling Slowly", their most famous song, Glen mildly screwed up the lyrics at one point. He blamed it on the fact that there was a special person in the audience: Barack Obama. Everyone started craning their necks in the massive Chicago Theater trying to get a glimpse of him. I assume the Senator was watching from backstage, and we were all wasting our time. Still, it was neat to be in the same place as a presidential nominee. The fact that Obama and I listen to the same music sorta makes me like him more. (Not that I would vote based on musical opinion...)

After the concert I had planned to go see my DJ coworker headline at a club, but I felt too miserable. I ended up using one of the precious few vacation days I have left and staying home sick on Thursday. I had a horrible sore throat and a bad fever. I was so tired that I couldn't even sit on my bum and watch Battlestar Galactica. I couldn't even swallow (that's what she said).

My fever broke around 4pm. And despite the fact that I still felt truly awful, I went to the Air One Blogger Meet-up that I'd been looking forward to for so long. I got to hang out with my favorite J-ladies: Jenn, Jessica, and Joy. We sat around eating free food that the airline had provided for us and talking about everything and nothing. It was exactly what I needed.

Jessica & Joy

Jenn & Me (don't I just look like the picture of health?)

Delicious food at Gioco.

My favorite J-ladies.

I'd tell you more about the meet-up, but I'm sick, tired, and generally lazy. So go read Jenn's version, Jessica's version (which includes her own Swell Season experience), or Joy's version.

I spent most of Friday and Saturday running on fumes and speaking in the "sexy Kathleen Turner voice" that often accompanies ailments to my throat. Made my character in Tony 'n Tina's a little different, that's for sure. But I still gave it my all.

Friday night I went out with the cast to a bar, and spent a little time talking to the Guy-Who-Asked-Me-Out (hmmm... want to refrain from using his real name... GWAMO will do as code for now, okay?). I decided to tell him the guarded secret that I'm leaving Chicago for greener pastures come August. I've now gone through full disclosure with this guy. He knows I'm leaving. He knows about Brian. He knows that I'm an emotional f***wit right now. Therefore, any and all attempts to win me over past this point I declare to be at his own risk. If he's been listening, he should know what he's getting himself into.

Saturday night I went to a dance-y bar called "The Hangge Uppe" with my dear friend Dave (who got me good and drunk right a few weeks ago, as noted in Getting Through It). It was the first time I've been out dancing since the last time that Dave took me there. That was a year ago June. The week after I broke up with Ex #1. I got very, very drunk, and cried when some drunk guy stepped on my foot (although the tears had more to do with my inner turmoil than the immediate physical pain).

GWAMO joined us, as did my friend John (a good friend I haven't seen since December, as mentioned in Dialogues & Somniloquies), and three of Dave's friends (one of whom was a girl who seemed rather interested in Dave). We danced. Well, no... I danced. And I forced the rest of them to dance with me. And I had fun. I think they did, too.

I stuck with cherry cola all night, remembering the last time I had been at The Hangge Uppe. By the end of the evening, the girl who was into Dave was very, very drunk. She stepped on my foot. Hard. In heels. While I was in sandals. It reminded me of the event that made me cry a year ago when I was going through a different sort of heartbreak with a different sort of guy. But I didn't cry this time. Maybe I've gotten it all out of my system. Maybe I'm a stronger person now than I was a year ago. Maybe I just have better control of my emotions when I'm sober. Or maybe I really have made progress on this journey of healing. All I know for sure is that I have a nasty bruise covering the tops of two of my toes, and I didn't cry.

I felt nastily ill on Sunday, so I stayed cloistered in my apartment and watched more episodes of Battlestar Galactica than a person should watch in one day.

I loved the second season, but didn't love the season finale. And hated the first few episodes of season three. I didn't really want to continue watching, but I did anyway. I felt like I was supposed to. And, lo and behold, the middle of season three improved massively. I love it again.

As I battled through the less interesting episodes, I remembered a realization I've had about myself in the past. A not too pleasant one, actually...

But I'm going to save that explanation for next time. I'm too sick to properly psycho-analyze myself.



May you take the time to recover from whatever ails your mind, heart, body, and soul.

Much love and many blessings to you.

~A~

Words Will Be Enough

I had to stop blogging for a bit. To collect my thoughts. To prevent myself from writing things I'd regret. To live life instead of thinking about life.

I was wrong a few posts ago when I said I was done crying. I wasn't. I've cried a few times since then. I'd like to say I'm done now -- I feel like I am -- but I won't make that promise. I'll feel completely fine for long periods of time, and then suddenly feel wrong again. I woke up Saturday feeling fine, and I've been okay since then. Hopefully it'll stick this time.

I could tell you what's happened with Brian in excruciating detail, but I won't. It's not going to help me heal. And it's not helping him any, either. I know he'll understand if I continue to write about him. He'll support my right to use this blog to vent. And I won't stop altogether, because that's not my style. But this blog isn't about him. It's about me.

I will tell you one thing about him... He's gone.

I don't mean from my life; I mean from the country. He's in the armed forces, and he is now on another continent. For a while.

It's probably the best possible thing that could happen for me right now. I can't call him and ask him the same questions ad nauseum (the sorts of "but why?" questions that he's been so kind as to put up with thus far). I can't text him. He was never in reach, but I feel like he's finally been put at a distance. And it's exactly the sort of aid I've needed to get over him. The kind I haven't had before. I'm glad for it. Almost relieved, in fact, that some of the decisions I would've made are being prevented. It'll help us to be friends in the long run.

I'm going to write him letters while he's gone, but I'm not expecting responses. He's going to become my "Mr. Henshaw". I'll write the things I need to write without worrying who's reading them the way I do with this blog. I know I can tell him anything, because I already have. And not having regular responses will be good for me. Not having written things to look back on and agonize over, but rather ones sent off into the void... also good. I hope he doesn't get annoyed by the whole thing. But I'm not too worried about that. I think he'll be happy for any contact he has to the USA while he's gone.

Other than the little I've scribbled to him so far, I haven't written anything lately. I haven't worked on my novel because my emotions were clouding those of my characters. I just kept wanting to kill off characters. Or create situations in which the main character was feeling what I'm feeling. I'm taking space from it so that I won't ruin it. I care too much about what I've written so far to muck it up by using it as therapy.

I'm actually supposed to go to a write-in tonight, where I was planning on picking it up again. But it's been so long since I've just been home for a night... so I'm skipping it. And I'm blogging instead.

I forgot that I missed this. Writing, I mean. It's only been, what, 9 days since I wrote a real post (I'm not counting that filler thing about what celebrities I get compared to... wasn't really my style)? I'm sure many of you didn't even notice the absence (which is fine... I read so many blogs that I often don't notice when people stop posting for weeks at a time). But I noticed it. I've considered forcing myself to blog, but I'm terribly against that. I've said it before, and I'll say it again; I don't blog for you guys, I blog for me. And if I have nothing to say, then I'm not going to say anything at all.

And when I have a lot to say? Well, then you get the mini-novellas that I'm sure you've come to expect from me.

Actually, it feels like longer since I've posted, as I was making a conscious effort not to mention Brian. Censoring myself makes it feel like I'm not really writing at all. It feels too... calculated or something. I don't know.

I have been busy, though. I mean, I've made time to blog in the past when I was busy, but I've had enough distractions that I was able to convince myself that I didn't have time for it. I've been going out and visiting people. I go out to the bar with the TnT cast after every performance.

When I'm not out of my apartment, I'm watching Battlestar Galactica and writing notes for Brian about my reactions to the episode. It's like live-blogging, but with paper and pen. Whenever something pops into my head that I would've texted Brian (or said to him if he'd been in the room), I pause the DVD and write it down. It takes longer to watch an episode than it normally would, but it's kinda fun for me. Makes it feel like an active thing as opposed to just sitting around watching DVDs all day. (By the way, it's an INCREDIBLE show, and I highly recommend it. Also recommend Firefly, which is the other series Brian lent me before running off to fight the bad guys.)

I've started reading It's Called a Break-up Because It's Broken, and I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT if you've gone through any sort of break-up and/or heartbreak, even if you were the one who did the dumping. I wish I'd had it during my break-up with Ex #1. It's really, really helpful. Of course, the authors of the book would tell me to stop writing to Brian, but I think I've recovered enough that it's possible to do it now. The hurting I was going through before has lessened significantly. And letter-writing doesn't make me cry the way phone calls would have. It feels like it's helping me heal. I'm gaining closure, and I'm redefining our relationship as one of friendship. In some weird way, it's helping me let go. Counter-intuitive, I know... but I believe that you should "do what works", so I'm going to keep doing it as long as it's working. If it's not working, then I'll become a better student of the book and stop writing him altogether.

(Huh. Wasn't planning to talk about Brian at all, and here I've done mostly that. Ah well. This is where my extemporaneous style brings me, I suppose. Writing about things I didn't intend to write about.)

Anyway.

I'm frustrated that I still have not been assigned a character to train for in Tony n' Tina's. Remember when the director had me watch the nun at a rehearsal? Yeah, that didn't stick. He gave me a new character to watch at last week's rehearsal, bringing my total up to three. I don't think he has any clue what he wants me for. Maybe that's a compliment. I'm versatile, and he knows he can put me in a bunch of places? I don't know. I'm just worried that he's going to keep changing his mind and I'll be on waitstaff until the day I leave.

Speaking of leaving, it's coming up soon. I'm leaving my day job on August 1st. I'll probably stay in TnT for a week after that. But my lease here ends August 15th, and my grad school orientation starts on August 18th. When I originally got this offer from grad school back in February, it seemed so very, very far away. And now it's almost here, and I have so many things to try to squeeze in before I leave.

Part of me feels like a lot has happened since February. But really, I can sum it up in two subjects: Brian, and TnT. That's it. That's all that's changed. I mean, of course I'm over-simplifying (as the last few months worth of blog posts can attest to), but that's the meat of it...

Anyway.

I've made good friends at work recently. Three guys at my day-job eat lunch with me every day now. It's nice to be just one of the guys without having to worry about any of them being The Woodwork Guys. Two are engaged, and the third has a serious girlfriend whom he intends to marry. So for once, I'm the one who carries the label As Good As Gay (or, I suppose, As Good As Male). And I'm just fine with that.

We talk about things that could get us fired if mentioned at the office under the clauses of the sexual harassment policy in place, but that doesn't bother us. For someone of my level of naïveté, I'm not very shy about subjects I'm willing to broach in public settings. Maybe it's because I don't know better... In any case, it makes me fit right in when surrounded by guys with filthy minds and raunchy mouths. That, and the fact that I will jump right in when gauging the physical attractiveness with females in close proximity (the guys call this rating procedure "verifications"). And sometimes before heading back to work, we take a detour through a department store cologne section so that the boys can "musk up". And we have a large collection of private jokes that we discuss in code on our work email accounts. It makes the day go by a bit faster.

I watched the Tony Awards at a bar on Sunday night. I talked the bartender into changing the channel on one of the many televisions dedicated to sports for me. I cheered obnoxiously whenever people I liked were shown. ("You go, Deanna Dunagan! Bring it home to Chicago, baby!") I actually know someone who won a Tony this year, which is exciting. Todd Rosenthal won for set design for the play August: Osage County. He designed the set for a production of The Comedy of Errors that I was in a couple of years back, which is how I know him (not well, but still, I know him in real life). I'd call to congratulate him, but I lost his number when I lost my phone... Oh well.

This was the first time in the past 5 years that I have not donned some sort of fancy dress to watch the Tonys. If I owned a television, I would have. I intend to again in future years. It makes the whole thing more fun if you dress up.

Last night I hung out with some of my novelist friends in the 'burbs playing the video game Rock Band and generally acting like idiots. It was a good time. Of course, I didn't get back to my apartment until nearly 2:30am, and then had a couple of emails that I urgently had to answer... I was pretty useless at work today as a result.

Tomorrow will be intense. I'm going to my day-job from 8:30-11:00am. I have to be at TnT at 11:30am to get ready for a matinee. Then at night, my friend Amanda and I are going to see The Swell Season (Glen Hansard & Markéta Irglová, a.k.a. the people from Once who won an Oscar for "Falling Slowly" this year). And after that, I promised I'd go see my coworker (one of the engaged ones) work his night gig: he's headlining as a DJ at some bar.

Thursday I'm going to the "Air One - Blogger Meet Up Chicago" (note: if you are a Chicago blogger and haven't heard about this, let me know and I'll get you the info... there will be hors d'oeuvre's, cocktails and an Italian lesson at the event... and potentially some SWAG), which I've been looking forward to for awhile.

Friday and Saturday I have TnT performances. Sunday will be my first real free day since... Well, I think since I was in Omaha. That'll be nice. It'll give me more time to watch Battlestar Galactica.

Wow. It felt really good to just type all of that. I have a feeling it was painfully boring, but I don't care. I needed to organize my thoughts. I need this.

I love being a blogger.

*sigh*

I feel better.

Alright, I'm going to go watch a little BSG, clean my apartment (yeah, right), and go to bed early (probably a lie).


May you be able to write your cares away.

~A~



P.S. The title is from the song "All the Words" by The Bridges. Their album just came out, and you should totally buy it. They rock. Hard.

P.P.S.
All the words that you said
Made you matter in my head
I was tied to the thought of you
Thinkin’ back to the day
That I found you on my way
To a place I was goin’ to

Simplify all these years
In another round of tears
I’m so lost when it comes to you
Broken in and again
Now you’re everywhere I’ve been
So it’s hard to deny the view

Did you know I had you goin’?
You got your heart back
It was stolen
And there’s nothin’
I can do at all

And it’s still there
On the road we had
And it’s alright
Keep the memories tied to your heart dear
And the words will be enough
~ The Bridges, "All the Words"

The Woodwork

On Friday nights, before the performance of TnT, there is a rehearsal. The director attends and runs the choreographed and scripted parts of the show over and over again, working out any kinks.

If an actor has stopped connecting with the material and gone on auto-pilot, he'll make him repeat the monologue 15 times in a row, giving him direction until it becomes believable again. It's painful to watch, and I'm sure it's embarrassing for the actor, but it's the right thing to do. Otherwise, doing a long-running show can become mechanical and lose its humanity.

Apparently, the director had to ask the stage manager to remind him what my name was at the rehearsal, but he knew who I was. And, for the duration of the rehearsal, he gave me a character to watch: Sister Terry.

That's right, I said Sister. I watched the nun.

Not necessarily the role I was dying for, but I was so happy to have a character to watch that I didn't care much.

Sister Terry is Tina's cousin. I can't tell you much about the character without ruining things for you if you should come see the show. Let's just say that there's a bit of "nun gone (mildly) wild" during the reception. So that'll be fun.

Of course, watching a character in rehearsal is NOT the same as being assigned a character. I haven't gotten a character book yet, and being switched to another character to watch is entirely possible. We'll see what happens.

I'm just glad the director knows my name now.

As a side note, an EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE GUY started flirting with me as "Carmella" during TnT last night. The kind of guy that I could never, ever get in real life. *sigh* And yes, I know he was flirting with Carmella and not with me, and only because it was a character in a show and was entertaining for him... But still. Made me feel AWESOME.

But anyway...

I've been extremely social the last couple of weeks. Trying to distract myself from over-thinking things, perhaps. Going out so that I don't stay in. Because when I stay in, I get stuck inside my head. And that's not a fun place to be locked.

When I say I've been social lately, I mean that I've been hanging around a lot of random guys. I don't really have any core group of friends in Chicago that I hang out with regularly. I've spent so much time in my own little world between blogging, novel-ing, acting, grad-school-prepping, metaphysically dating... I never really noticed that I don't have friends. It didn't bother me, I suppose.

Frankly, the vast majority of the phone calls I've made since August have been to a certain cell phone in Nebraska. And that was enough for me.

Now that things are different, I guess I've needed people more. And I don't know where they've all been hiding, but they're here now that I need them. I don't know how many of them are friends, but they're close enough.

People have been really supportive and wanting to buy me drinks and go out for lunch and things. And most of those people happen to be male.

I've always been better at making friends with males than females. Maybe it's because I have brothers. Maybe it's just because I'm not a particularly feminine girl. Not to say I have no female friends. I do have Megan, after all. And Anna. But I rarely talk to either of them these days.

Last week, I wondered when the men would come out of the woodwork...

You might think to yourself, "Didn't she just say males keep buying her drinks and asking her to go out to meals?"

And you'd be right. But I didn't think that they were the Woodwork Guys. They just happened to be guys. Who happened to start hanging out with me lately. After I happened to become single. Coincidence.

But then I remembered something about myself...

I am generally dense when it comes to guys flirting with me and/or being interested in me.

No, seriously. A guy would be so much better off taping a sign to his chest that said, "I'm flirting with you" than attempting to actually flirt. I just completely miss it.

Adding to my inability to pick up on things is the fact that all the males I know are presently under the label "As Good As Gay" (which I discussed the rules for in Flipping the Switch). Why? Because regardless of what the quasi-relationship I've been in for the last several months was, I treated it like a relationship. And therefore I had relationship blinders on. When I'm involved with someone, EVERY OTHER MALE becomes "As Good As Gay". That's just how I operate. Due to the fact that these guys have not successfully "flipped the switch" yet, I'm oblivious to whatever advances they may be making.

Unless a NEW male were to approach me (one who had not already been lumped under the mental label), I'd miss it.

So I started thinking about things that had happened, and this weekend I started paying more attention to things as they were happening. And I think I'm picking up some flirtation and interest (it's possible I'm reading too much into things, as it is me... but when it comes to this topic, I doubt it) coming from a few directions... I think that the Woodwork Guys are there. I just didn't notice them.

But there's a problem: some of these guys were AGAG for other reasons. These males have certain qualities that ring as red flags on my AGAG radar. Things like:

- He has a girlfriend
- We work together
- He lives far away

No good. No good at all.

I think one of them may have asked me out. I think that was his intention, although at the time I thought it was more of a, "We should hang out sometime, buddy" kind of thing. Yes, I'm blind. But he's AGAG...

And even if these problems didn't exist, I don't know that I'd want to be pursuing anything now anyway. I'm leaving. And many of the people I interact with on a regular basis have no idea that I'm leaving (the TnT people... not telling them until middle of July, I think).

Actually...

To be completely and totally honest...

The moving thing is just an excuse.

The truth is, I don't think I want to date someone new.

I'm not ready.

I'm not mad anymore.
I'm not even sad anymore.
But I'm still not healed.

I'd just be making mental comparisons the whole time and realizing that the new guy didn't measure up. That he wasn't what I wanted. Because I know what it is that I want. And it isn't some random new guy. It's something that I can't have.

I'm still talking myself out of wanting it.

Makes me wonder why that one guy asked me out. Doesn't he know that I'm still in recovery mode? That I'm still working through some issues in my head? That my heart isn't healed, and I don't know when it will be? Just seems like logic to me.

Still, I guess it's nice that these Woodwork Guys exist. It makes me feel like maybe I am still desirable, even though I don't always feel that way.


May you notice when people start coming out of the woodwork,

~A~


P.S. ♫ And from the first to the last time, the signs said 'Stop', but we went on whole-hearted. It ended bad, but I love what we started. ♫ ~ Fiona Apple, "Parting Gift"

Censored

I often type with my eyes closed. Does anyone else do that? Or if not closed, then at least looking away from the screen. I look at the ceiling, or the wall, or my legs. If I watch my hands as they work, or the words as they leap onto the screen, I think I'd be less likely to be able to write as freely as I do. I'm less likely to censor myself when I'm staying in my head. It's a trick I used heavily during NaNoWriMo, and I've grown to like it. (Of course, I think people think I'm nuts whenever I work on my novel in coffee shops... oh well.)

There are so many things on my mind, but I just don't know how to compose my thoughts. That's right; me. Unable to write. Go figure. But the thoughts are there. Tangled, and stuck somehow.


One is that things aren't going to work out the way I wanted them to.

Two is that I'm not sure I want what I thought I wanted.

Three is that I want to cancel several plans I've made.

Four is that I have too much to do, and I can't do it.

Five is that I'm avoiding so many things that I'm bored as a result.

Six is that it's a good thing I don't easily succumb to jealousy.

Seven is that I think most people underestimate me.

Eight is that I think most people overestimate themselves (but I don't think I'm one of them... hypocritical, I know).

Nine is that I hate how stereotypically female I can be sometimes.

Ten is that I'm not the romantic sort, and I don't think I ever will be.

Eleven is that I'm sick of writing (and I'm beginning to wonder if I suck at it).

Twelve is that I can't write about the things I want to write about, and that only makes me want to write about them more.



I think the most frustrating thing in the world is Twelve, and it's the reason that I'm not writing most of the other numbers.

There are things that I so desperately want to discuss, but I'm smart enough not to do so on a public forum. I hate that. Most are things that I'd have no problem mentioning in person, but the written word seems exponentially more dangerous than the spoken one. And so I leave things unwritten.

Self-censorship is a tricky lesson to learn.

And even when you know it's a good idea, it doesn't make you less grumpy about it.

Why, oh why, do I blog under my real name? Why am I so easily findable through search engines? Why didn't I have the foresight to not tell anyone that I was starting a blog?

I just have so many thoughts that I want to release. And this has been my outlet. And when it can't be... It's upsetting.

Earlier this week, another blogger (one I don't read as much as I should... it's a solid blog) broached one of the subjects that I wish I felt I could. And it just upset me more.

*sigh*

But even the things I can discuss of that list... I shouldn't. Or I don't want to.

So here I am, the 18-wheeler crammed beneath the underpass. And here you are, reading worthless words. Ah well. Maybe next time.


May you be better at untangling your words than I am.

~A~


P.S. I recently watched the movie Dan in Real Life, and I loved it. But even more than the movie, I LOVED the soundtrack. It was done by a man named Sondre Lerche (SAHN-dreh LAIR-kay, from what I can tell). And it's fantastic. Check out some of it on my playlist above. Particularly "My Hands Are Shaking" and "To Be Surprised", which are probably my favorites. But it's all good.

All Business

Alright, kids. In lieu of a normal post, I have some business to attend to.

1. Curly-Haired Me
I took this picture of myself this morning, and I think I'm gorgeous in it. Awestriking*, in fact. And I felt the need to draw your attention to it, because I'm a shameless attention whore with a vain streak. ADMIRE ME!

*See #5

2. Slogan/Catchphrase Contest
So I'm currently having a new header designed for me by Delicious Design Studio, and I'm super excited about it.

And a realized something: I wish my blog had a slogan. Or a catch-phrase. If I want one, I've got to come up with it fast (as she's working on it right now!), but everything I come up with is unusable, for one reason or another. I've been making suggestions for a lot of blog titles recently, and I think I'm pretty good at wordplay with those, but somehow I'm not as good at this... Maybe it's just because it's for my own blog?

ETA: The TITLE (angelaboration) will not be changing. I'm looking for something to come after the title in the header. A phrase of description or something.

Anyway, I've decided to turn it into a contest. If you come up with a brilliant slogan or catchphrase, and I use it for my blog, I will send you a $10 gift card for iTunes**. I know, I know... That's awesome of me. Yeah, well. I'm ripping off your creativity, so it's the least I can do. Leave all your suggestions in the comments section. :-D (Oh, by the way, if I end up using any of these, you're not allowed to sue me for intellectual property or anything. If you send it to me, I claim it as my own. I'm trading you the gift card for it.) PLEASE HELP ME!

**(Note: If, like Brian, you do not have iTunes, we'll work something else out.)

Lame things I've come up with include:

- The perfect blend of sugar and spice
(Ack! Corny! Plus, I don't think it's even true. It's more a blend of Sweet and Sour -- wink to anyone who knows me in real life!)

- Secretly Cinderella
(which doesn't make sense unless you know one story about me that I can't post on the internet... If it ever got out, it might hurt the feelings of a few people I have no intention of hurting)

- Actress, Model, Dancer, Whatever
(the title of a song, and not entirely true... except for taking pictures of myself, I'm not a model)

- Drama Not Included
(definitely a lie)

- Thief of the Spotlight
(I started calling myself this in a Brit Lit class in high school, although I can't remember why. I think I've outgrown it)

- Groove Is in the Heart
(my theme song... but laaaaaaame)

- Average Everyday Sane Psycho Super Goddess
(A song lyric... It feels like cheating to rip something off of a song)

- Limited Time Offer
(doesn't make sense)

ETA - Elaborations on the Theme of Angela
(in the vein of "Variations on a Theme"... I think it's a bit too "hitting you over the head with my blog title")


Maybe you can do better? *crosses fingers*


3. Grab My Tunes!
Have you ever listened to my playlist and thought, "Wow, Angela has the best taste in music EVER"? Well, you're right. I do.

A lot of times when I can't find a song that I want on my playlist online, I'll upload it to my NaBloPoMo page, and then link to it from there. And I realized... there's probably a way for you all to download the stuff that I've uploaded... But I'm not exactly sure how. Anyway, if you'd like to try right-clicking away at things, I upload it all here.

Also, I'm pretty sure that if you click the "URL" links next to songs on my playlist here, you can get to the sources... You might want to try that as well.

So good luck, sailors! And if you figure it out, let me know so that I can share it with the rest of the class.

(or if you really want something, let me know and I'll e-mail it to you)


4. Novel-In-Progress
The editing process is getting more complicated as I go. I changed a lot this time through. For example, Tyler was a nameless, voiceless character before, and there was only a vague reference to Xan having an ex... Everything that mentions him is new material (and yes, I have ideas of how to use him). Also, there were two other love interests (one of whom was deleted entirely, and the other of whom, Martin, has turned into a married character who has mattered very little so far...)

But because I'm changing so much, not everything that I wrote before makes perfect sense now. On the plane to CT, I finally read everything I wrote in November (I've been reading a chapter at a time, just like you)... and I had to delete an entire chapter. Too much has changed. So I'm almost out of material to edit (I think there are 4 or 5 chapters left), and then I've got to start writing new stuff... but I don't know where it's headed!

Anyway. That's the real reason I took a week off: to stretch out my pre-written material for as long as possible while I figure out how to continue the story. My goal is to write another 30,000 words in April, like a mini-NaNoWriMo. We'll see if that works.

But don't worry... Even though I don't know fully where it's going, the journey isn't a vague mess. The next two chapters are SO worth reading. :-D

5. Awestriking
I don't understand why "awestriking" isn't a word, but awestruck and awestricken are... My friend Heidi and I have decided to start using it as a word. Help us spread it around, and hopefully it'll catch on like wildfire.


Much love and many blessings,

~A~


P.S. I know I already told you to listen to "As a Blonde". You should also really listen to "Big Hair" by The Chenille Sisters, which is HILARIOUS.

P.P.S. While you're at it, I have just become reacquainted with "Sister Golden Hair" because of this theme, and I love it. Oh, and I also love "Suicide Blonde" by The Weepies. And I dig "Red Hair", too. And "Wig in a Box". (Dude, I'm obsessed with music.)

Absolutely Positive

Hey look! I made the sort of changes on the blog that you would notice without me telling you!

Don't get too comfortable, though. I'm still trying to suss out what it is that I want. I can't decide if I hate what I've just done yet... I think I'm going to give it a chance for a week or so, just to see how I feel... I might end up reverting to exactly what I had before. If you have any thoughts (positive or negative... I don't mind either way), please leave them in the comments section. I was thinking about doing the plaid on a diagonal instead... Is it too busy? I think I miss my old header, but it just didn't match right... I think I need to monkey around with it a bit more.

I promised a dear friend of mine that I'd try to write a wholly positive post this time, as his stratospheric empathy wounds him whenever I do not. So I'll see what I can do (it might have to be a short post... Which is probably for the best, as I have to catch a plane in the wee hours of the morning and I haven't begun to pack). One short(ish), fluffy entry, coming up!

I brought back my playlist. *the crowd goes wild* I just found the song "I Know a Place" by Petula Clark a couple of days ago, and I'm completely ga-ga over it. It's so cheery! I love learning new songs (okay, so it's definitely not new... but it's new to me). The playlist is longer than usual at the moment (I got a little overly exuberant upon its return...), but I'll be weeding stuff out at some point. I think it's best when it's around 30 songs. Right now, it's over 50 (you could drown in a playlist like that!). So if you're the sort of person that likes to put on a playlist on some random person's blog and listen to it for hours at a time, take advantage of it while it lasts.

I had a performance appraisal session with my boss today. Apparently, I'm quite good at my job, and my boss loves me. She referred to me as a "rock star" during the review a few times (and substituted "super star" at least once). If all goes according to plan, I should be getting a raise in April and a bonus in May. Woo-hoo!

I decided the time was right to inform my boss that I might be leaving in the summer to go pursue graduate studies. She seemed disappointed, referred to the news as "bittersweet", and asked if there was any chance I might come back in the summers to work for the company as a temp (no, no there isn't). It's lovely when your work gets recognized.

And things are good with Brian. It has recently been brought to my attention that most people know more about the problems there than the positives. Which makes sense. I often need to vent about the negatives. It's easier to keep the positives to myself. That, and I feel weird writing them. Embarrassed or something. It's especially odd since he occasionally reads this...

My favorite thing about Brian is that he experiences the world unlike anyone else I've ever met. I love that he watches the Disney channel on a regular basis. I love how obsessed he is with Kara DioGuardi and Platinum Weird. I love that he's more idealistic than analytical, cynical little me could ever be.

He believes in me to what seems like an unrealistic level. Sometimes I think he's happier at my successes than I am. He pays me more compliments than I deserve, and as a favor to him I'm learning to accept them with grace.

Everything he says or writes to me is weighted differently from the communication I have with anyone else. When he tells me I'm beautiful, I believe him. A hundred people congratulated me on my grad school interviews, but the words from Brian made me feel about eight times prouder than anyone else's comments. Tons of people told me they knew I could do it, but Brian's voice was the one I heard.

Sometimes he writes things to me, and I feel... I don't know. I feel like my insides are folding onto themselves and lighting a fire, filling me with the sort of warmth you normally only feel when you put on clothes straight from the dryer. He makes me feel giddy. And powerful. And like I'm worth something. Like I'm special.

He tells me I changed his life. The way he tells it, I'm some sort of angel, sent to put him back on the road to the things he wants. I don't know if that's true, but I do believe that everything happens for a reason. God put Brian and I in each other's lives... And in such a way that we can't see each other. I wish I knew the reason for that.

Anyway. Maybe now I don't sound like such a masochist for keeping him in my life. He provides me with something I don't get anywhere else. And yes, it's an imperfect, incomplete sort of excuse for a relationship, but I think he's what I need right now. I don't think we're done learning from each other yet. Whatever it is we have, it is a good thing. I swear.

I should really be packing right now. I have a plane to catch early in the morning... I'm headed down to Florida with my mommy to take a look at a grad school. I'm a little freaked, but mostly psyched. I'm going down to see if I want to enter into a marriage with this school for three years. And if I do? Well, then, I think I'll be proposing very soon.

It's weird that I'm being this decisive. But for some reason, I'm already relatively certain that this is what I want to be doing for the next three years. But I'm going to take my time. I'm not going to choose until I'm positive that this is the right school, the right time, the right choice.

Oh! I just remembered one more thing to be happy about... It's Shamrock Shake season at McDonald's! Although, actually, my first Shamrock Shake of the year was overly minty and somewhat disappointing. It tasted as though one of the employees had dumped a trial size of Scope into my large milkshake (can they even be called milkshakes? I don't think the ones at McDonald's are made with milk... Potato flakes or something... Really, I don't care what they are; they're delicious). A little over-zealous with the mint. And a little too green as well. I'm sure they'll refine the ratio within a few days. At least, I hope so. Because when they're good, they're very, very good. And when they're bad... Well, it would be better to gargle with than to drink.


May you remember to be positive when life begins to drag.
And may you take the time to be positive that what you're doing is right.

~A~

Picture Perfect

I've been thinking a lot lately about the value of on-camera training as an actor. I focus so much on the theatre aspect of things (I'm from the Midwest... it's what we do) instead of considering film and television. I've never been much of a film person until recently. Especially now that I have Netflix (genius!).

If the graduate program I choose is one that doesn't include it, I think I'll have to seek out that training on my own. I think I'm also going to look into training for voice-overs. And possibly acrobatics and aerial dance (not so much because I think I'll need it... more because it's SWEET!).

I've been told I have a good face for stage (big features, I guess), but I don't know if it's the same for film. I mean, I guess it works for Angelina Jolie...

Also, I'm too fat for Hollywood. Not that I think I'm fat... I just think that they're all unrealistically skinny. I'd be a six-to-eight in a world of zeroes. (Weird to note: I was a zero-to-two a mere year and a half ago... And people were concerned that I might have an eating disorder. For the record, I didn't. I just had much higher metabolism at the time.)

And they're all so pretty in Hollywood. So perfect. When's the last time you saw a lead actress in the movie that couldn't be described as either "beautiful", "hot", "cute", or "striking"? I wish the way I looked made more of an impression on people. The managers at my old apartment building could never remember me (although they always recognized my roommates), and it became sort of a joke between us how I was so unrecognizable (I suppose they really meant "generic" or "forgettable"). And I'm always being told, "you look so much like a friend of mine." I'm always being compared to other people. I guess I just have one of those sorts of faces. I wish I looked more... distinctive, I guess. I would love to be "striking". Like Donna Murphy. Or Uma Thurman.

But anyway. I often extol the virtues of the theatre, fighting on behalf of this art form for which I have such deep passion. I often overlook the other ways I could reach people through acting. If I'm serious about wanting to use acting as my way of changing the world, I think I should really explore all the paths through which I could accomplish that. I shouldn't limit myself to just one medium.

So who knows. Maybe one day, you'll see me in pictures.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My friend Amanda and I went to the AMC Best Picture nominee marathon yesterday. It started at 11am and finished at 11pm, showing the five films nominated for the most coveted Oscar. Are we crazy? Quite possibly. (We actually both saw Juno ahead of time -- I saw it Friday night, making it the first time I've ever gone to the movie theater alone -- so that we could take a two hour dinner break).

Here are my thoughts:


Michael Clayton
Generally good. I personally feel that George Clooney is overrated as an actor, but he was fine here (I just wish there hadn't been so many close up shots of his face). Tilda Swinton is truly excellent, and I hope she pulls an upset. Tom Wilkinson is also nominated, as a man losing his mind, and he's fantastic as well (and I'd love to see him beat out Javier Bardem, but I'll get to that later). The editing and storytelling are good. But I failed to pick up on the importance of one seemingly innocuous detail -- a sketch in the margin of a book as it's being leafed through -- and Amanda had to remind me of it when the movie was over (I don't remember the sketch at all... and the movie makes a ton more sense as a result. My parents had seen the movie, and they didn't remember it either. Maybe it just wasn't highlighted well enough). The music was good. It was at times suspenseful. I'd see it again, if only for the sake of clarification.

There Will Be Blood
Yes, there is pay-off for the title. By the end of the movie, there is indeed blood. Daniel Day Lewis shows off a truly grand performance in the corruption and decline of an oil man. Paul Dano isn't really on equal footing with him, but he's pretty good. The movie is far too long (three hours, I believe) and the director (Paul T. Anderson) was clearly over-indulgent with his shots. The score was creepy and well done (although it was deemed not eligible for an Oscar nomination). All in all, a good film. But I wouldn't see it again... Spending three hours of my life with this flick was enough; six would be too many. (By the way, the "I drink your milkshake" line is better in context. And actually really sort of terrifying.)

Atonement
EASILY my favorite. This movie is so good. I thought it was going to be some sappy chick flick, but it's not. The movie is about a character who observes the love story, as opposed to being about the love story itself (and who would've thought I'd love a movie that so prominently featured the C-word?) The acting is excellent (how did James McAvoy not get a nomination? He's stupendous in this), and I now understand why Saoirse Ryan was nominated (although I don't think she should win, based on the other nominees in her category). The sound editing/sound mixing/score = superb (sounds in the scenes play into the score in a way that I don't think I've ever experienced in a movie before, with sensational results -- How was it not nominated for Sound Mixing or Sound Editing?). The cinematography is incredible (including an extraordinary 5.5 minute tracking shot through a beach at Dunkirk. The whole movie is gorgeous). The editing and storytelling are phenomenal (you see several scenes from more than one point of view, and it unfolds nicely), and there are a couple of scenes where it felt like a "classic" film. And it's at times suspenseful, causing me to lean forward while literally sitting on the edge of my seat. The costumes are exquisite (including the breath-taking green dress that everyone seems to be talking about). This is the best movie I've seen in a long time. As soon as it ended, I wanted to immediately watch it again. Phenomenal. Go see it.

Juno
A delightful little film, although certainly not one that makes you think "Oscar". Ellen Page is wonderful in it. The writing is extremely stylized and over-the-top, but once you become acclimated to it, it's fun (if you're willing to suspend your disbelief). Michael Cera is the same character he always plays, but he's well-cast, so it didn't bother me (I haven't seen any range in him as an actor, but he's so charmingly dorky that I can't help but adore him). Allison Janney and Jason Bateman are both great, and I also enjoyed Olivia Thirlby's performance as Juno's best friend Leah. I walked out of the theatre with a strange mix of emotions that I couldn't reconcile. I felt simultaneously lonely, detached from humanity, and maternal. I had a bizarre urge to have a child, but let someone else raise it. I'd see it again. (My favorite line: "Have a condom. They're boysenberry. My boyfriend uses them every time we have intercourse. They make his junk smell like pie.")

No Country for Old Men
HATED it. One of the most boring movies that I have EVER seen. Horrible. Javier Bardem won a Golden Globe for his role as a remorseless killer, but he was just okay. The most interesting thing about the movie is a character that's only in about half the movie (I won't ruin it for you in case you decide to go against my advice and see it anyway). It was incredibly slow-moving. Woody Harrelson wastes what could've been one of the interesting roles in the movie. The ending is completely bland and unsatisfying. There was nothing redeeming about this movie. Nothing. It was terrible. There's a fair amount of gore and guns, which I guess is why certain male friends of mine seemed to like it. I can't figure it out. At the end of the movie, I felt gypped. I think that any and all Oscar nominations for this film are wholly unsubstantiated, and will be greatly angered if it wins... anything. And it's rumored to be a front-runner in several races (God only knows why).

I just got Away from Her via Netflix, so I intend to watch that today (as I've heard that Julie Christie is a front-runner in her category).

My only other Oscar comment? I'm rooting for "Falling Slowly" from Once to win for Best Song. You may have noticed it was on my playlist for awhile (and will be again, I'm sure). It's a gorgeous song that is truly integral to the plot. To be fair, I don't know any of the other nominated songs... But "Falling Slowly" needs to win. It's just... lovely.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My life feels complicated.
Not that such a thing is unusual.
I feel like I'm telling the same stories to people over and over again.
I'm looking for some answer that isn't there.
Some obvious explanation as to how to solve my problems.
A way to make everything into the way I'd like it to be instead of the way it is.

I keep reflecting on things that have happened.
I've replayed events in my mind so much that I can't recall their original order anymore.
I've wondered if I made the right decisions.
I hope that I'm not steering life in the wrong direction.
(And after seeing Atonement, I'm now keenly aware of how misunderstandings and missteps can alter the course of life.)

I hope that I somehow end up away from this.
That years from now, I'll live a life without confusion.
And without regret.

I hope that I'll lose this aching pain of loneliness.
I hope I'll know who I am and what I want.
I hope I'll find a way to explain myself to others without resorting to typing.
I hope to have things to do and people to see.
I hope to find a base of friends that I can trust.
I hope I'll be intellectually stimulated on a regular basis.
I hope that I'll pair off with someone who fits me perfectly, as though it were meant to be.


May the future you picture be one you hope to live in.

~A~


P.S. You may have noticed that my playlist is sort of... missing. Replaced by one song: "Desperately" by Michelle Branch. Perhaps you should listen to it and then help me figure out why it's been hitting me so hard lately. I don't know how accurately it reflects my state of being, but it's tugged on my spirit when I've listened to it in recent days. (Don't worry... the playlist will return to its regularly scheduled programming at some point.)

So Close

(ETA: Recommended listening for this post: "Konstantine" by Something Corporate")


I almost got emotional on the L on my way home from work.

He called.

Ex-boyfriend #1 called.

On Valentine's Day, but not for the obvious reasons.

I haven't heard his voice since June 9th, 2007: the day I broke his heart. The day I set mine free.

Actually... I was the one who decided to break things off, but he broke my heart, too. By not being the person he had been. The person I thought he was. The person I wanted him to be.

I broke up with him over the phone. It may sound harsh, but it was a long distance relationship, and several of our problems stemmed from how infrequently we saw each other. We had been so close, but the distance had put too much strain on things. And I was ready to get out of that relationship. In many ways, I think it was holding me back and preventing me from enjoying things in life.

He was understandably very upset. He told me not to contact him. He said he'd contact me when he was ready.

At first, it was hard not to call him. He was, after all, my best friend.

Around September, I started freaking out because I hadn't heard from him. I actually wrote to a good friend of his to ask her how he was doing. She verified that he was fine, and assured me that he would call me eventually.

Since then, we've had a few mild touches of contact. A couple of text messages to send holiday wishes. A song dedication on Facebook. A birthday present. But that's it.

By the end of November, I was just angry. And I hated that people kept telling me to give him time. I hated that they acted like he was some sort of victim. The moment that hurt the most came from a girl I barely know. She knew my ex, and when I told the story about how he had sent me a CD for my birthday with a card that implied he wasn't ready to talk with me, she said, "Gosh, he's such a nice guy." And she did it with a facial expression that I read as, "How could you do that to him?"

I looked her in the eye and said, "Believe me, if there is ANYONE who knows how great he is, it's me. But we just weren't meant to be."

For some reason, no one understood how much he'd hurt my by cutting me out of his life.

I may have dumped him, but he disowned me.

He screwed up my life, too.

In the three months after I broke up with him, I gained 20 pounds. I dated his opposite. I spent a great deal of time throwing emotions in the general direction of his hometown. Grief. Pity. Empathy. Anger. All in silence, because he had decided to cut me off.

And finally, in December, I decided I just didn't care anymore.

I thought I was over him about a week after I broke up with him. But that wasn't true. I knew I didn't want to be dating him anymore. I knew I had made the right decision. But I was so angry. And the opposite of love isn't hate; it's indifference. I suppose I truly got over him then. In December. Six months after we had broken up.

I've heard that it takes half the length of a relationship to get over someone. I was faster than that. We dated for two years, and it took me six months.

And then something happened.

Something that terrified me.

Something that made it clear that I had to talk to him again.

You see, my ex is currently getting his Master's degree at Northern Illinois University right now. And his mother works there as well.

And on Thursday, Valentine's Day, there was a shooting there.

I read about it while I was at work. But what could I do?

My mother called me.

"Call him."

"No. I can't call him."

"Call him!"

"Mom, I'm not calling him. He doesn't want me to call him."

I sent him a text message asking if he was alright, not knowing whether that over-stepped any boundaries.

And then he called me.

"Hi, Sweetie," he said. Out of habit, I suppose. It shocked me.

He and his mother were both on campus at the time of the shootings, but they're both fine.

I told him I was glad that he was alright, and that I had to get off the phone to catch the L.

"That's fine."

"It's really good to hear your voice."

"Yeah. You too. I'll call you soon."

"I hope you do."

*******************************************

I don't really know if I want him to call. I don't know what I'd say to him. I feel like I'd have to censor out a lot. While we were dating, he always had a hard time hearing about other males in my life. Stories involving other guys hitting on me. Hanging out with other guys when he wasn't around. Or hearing about other guys in general. On occasion, I thought his jealousy was his way of joking, but I think it ran deeper than that. I think that on some level, he was terrified that he was going to lose me to another guy.

Part of the reason I broke up with him was that I was sick of censoring myself. He asked me not to tell him any stories about going to bars with guys in the cast of the play I was in. I wanted to tell my best friend, my boyfriend didn't want to know, and I had the unfortunate circumstance of having the same person playing both roles in my life.

I don't want to hurt him any more than I already have. So I can't tell him about ex-boyfriend #2 (whom I started dating less than two weeks after breaking up with him). And I can't tell him about Brian. And, well, those have been two pretty significant things that have happened to me in the time since we broke up. Especially the Brian part.

But it's not just relationships. I'd have to leave out Ian. And Ricky. And John. And half of my coworkers. And every other male presence in my life. And if I do that, well, then, I sound like a hermit with no friends, a.k.a. a person who's obviously hiding something.

I can't help it. I always have more male friends than female ones. It's just the way I operate. I remember the night before I left to move into college for my freshman year, I decided to have a bunch of friends over to my house. I called them all to invite them. Phil, Sean, Jeffrey, Nyal, Jim, Mike, Paul, Steve... and Whitney. I remember thinking, "Dear God, what have I done?!" I grew up with brothers. I'm not as good at being friends with girls as I am with guys (although I suppose it's worth pointing out that only a couple of the guys from the aforementioned list are straight... but still).

In college, I found the men. Luckily, there were a few handy co-ed colleges very close by, and so it wasn't difficult. And I can easily say that my two best friends in college were named Mike and Greg. They were the kinds of guys I needed to save my sanity. Greg once skipped going to a Blessid Union of Souls concert so that he could help me study for a test. Mike once took me out dancing the night before I had two papers due, because he could sense how stressed out I was. Greg took me to play mini-golf. Mike to me to an OK Go concert (before they were viral break-out stars). In retrospect, it seems we had all the perks of dating without actually having to make a commitment. And it worked out very nicely. For awhile, at least.

My ex quickly bonded with Mike, sensing that there was no threat there. Although I had a crush on Mike for about 5 seconds, it had quickly been crushed the night I found myself holding his forehead as he vomited in a drunken stupor, weeping about another girl. I used to refer to Mike as the older brother I never had. We fight, both in argument and wrestling. We make fun of each other. And the thought of us ever being anything other than just friends... oh yuck. Feels like incest. In summation, Mike is the definition of "As Good As Gay".

But my ex never bonded with Greg. Probably at least in part because he knew that I had been interested in Greg at one point in time (I used to write poetry about him in my diary-x back in the day. I was pretty crushed on him).

I began dating my ex while Greg was studying abroad (which is the reason I was able to get over Greg in the first place). When he came back from being abroad, it was as if neither of them knew what to do with each other. Greg had been my closest friend and the #1 male in my life. I suspect that, on some level, he and my ex both felt threatened by the presence of the other. As a result, Greg and I grew more distant. It's one of the biggest regrets I have from that time of my life.

I don't think I've ever had as close a friend as Greg, and I'm not sure I ever will again. I could listen to a song and know whether Greg would like it or not. He could gauge my reactions to movies we watched based on how my body moved as I stared at the screen. Not only could we finish each other's sentences, we could finish each other's THOUGHTS. There were literally times when we would look at each other and just start laughing, not even needing to verbalize the private joke that we knew had been triggered simultaneously in both our minds. The joke materialized without ever coming out of our mouths, and everyone else in the room just stared at us in confusion. And while Greg and I will always be able to call each other and pick up close to where we left off, I doubt we'll ever get back to the place we were.

I had very physical friendships with both Mike and Greg (not in a "friends with benefits" kind of way... I never kissed either of them). I spent several nights sleeping next to each of them. I cuddled with them while watching movies. I climbed on them. I sat on their laps. I danced with them at parties, in bars, and at the swing dancing classes I dragged them to. We had tickle fights, long hugs, back rubs, and piggyback rides. I guess that's where my life took a turn for physical dependency. I think they needed it as much as I did. Well, almost as much. That physical closeness helped me from going crazy more than once.

Now, I have a desire to make all my friendships sort of like that, but it's tricky. With Mike and Greg, there was sort of an unspoken agreement that nothing else was going to happen. Greg had gone head-over-heels for a girl back home many years before (which originally put him on the AGAG list... until he flipped the switch... long story). And Mike... well, Mike and I weren't attracted to each other. I love the guy, but it was clear that we were meant to be friends.

Starting new physically close relationships is more of a challenge. I think I've recently managed it with a couple of friends, but it's still very much in the "this could end up going horribly wrong" phase. People misunderstand my intentions. They think I'm flirting. They think it means that I desperately want them, and that I'm throwing myself in their general direction. Or, if nothing else, they think it means they have a chance with me. And then the switch has been flipped in their minds, even though it's still firmly in place in mine.

In fact, that's what my ex thought before we were dating, when I climbed onto his lap and promptly fell asleep. But that wasn't the case at all. In fact, I was declaring him "just a friend" with that action; I was treating him exactly the way I would've treated Mike. If I were at all interested in him (or if I had suspected that he might have been interested in me), I never would've done it. I would've analyzed every action with a little too much preparation. I would've kept my distance.

Sorry. I don't know how I got sidetracked there... Ah well.

The point is, there are a lot of things my ex wouldn't want to know about. In fact, that was one of the things that led to our break up. There were too many things happening to me that he didn't want to know about because he couldn't physically be there to witness them.

It was weird hearing his voice again. And him sounding exactly the same. And it feeling like the conversation had very little weight to it, despite both the subject matter and the given circumstances.

But none of that is the reason I got strung up on the L. No, that I blame on some unfortunate timing from my iPod. Some of the songs weren't even sad... but their lyrical content got to me.

(I've added all the following songs to my ProjectPlaylist above so that you can listen to them if you'd like.)

"You're the Only One" by Maria Mena
A couple of lines got to me. Like, "You're the only one who knows how to handle me," because I felt like that around him for a long time. Another was, "You're the only one who holds my hair back when I'm drunk and get sick." Suddenly I was transported back to the night of my 21st birthday.

"The Rain Song" by The Bangles
In which a woman says she's over a guy and claims she rarely thinks of him, but she remembers every time it rains.

"I Don't Need You" by The Pierces
"Never could look back/Never would look back/Because/I don't need you/And you don't need me"

"Konstantine" by Something Corporate
If you don't already know this song, YOU MUST LISTEN TO IT. Okay, I can't force you, but you really should. It's over 9.5 minutes long, but it's one of the most beautiful, haunting songs I know. And I love it. And I could cry to it without any other stimulation. The line that always gets me is "They'll never hurt you like I do."

Seriously, just bad timing on all of them.

I probably wouldn't have gotten that close to showing emotion, except that it's February, and my S.A.D. brings every emotion a lot closer to the surface. It's like being bipolar for a month every year.

I feel like I'm so close to being able to talk to him again. Something that I wanted so badly and for so long. And I'm not even sure how I feel about that anymore.


May you find the closeness you crave.
And may you get as close as you need.

~A~


P.S. Monday is the first day that graduate schools are allowed to start making offers. After that, there is a three week "offers period". Please say prayers for me. There are three schools that I'm really strongly considering, and I would be blessed to get an offer from any. But I'd love to have options. Pray for three offers. And also pray that if that happens, I become miraculously decisive. ;)