Unquestionably Quirky

(An awkward candid shot of me mid-conversation at the opening of The Winter's Tale. 01/23/09)

I'm quirky on film.

That's the lesson that I've learned in my On Camera workshop this week.

On stage, I've played characters all over the place. I've been women and men. Young and old. Strong and weak. Stable and unstable. Sane and insane.

But on film? As soon as you see my face, you know that I'm the slightly weird sidekick. Even at my most serious, people are ready to laugh at me. I have something on film that I haven't yet found on stage: a type.

I guess that's good to know. I'll happily take my place in a little club with Alanna Ubach, Linda Cardellini, Ginnifer Goodwin, Heather Burns, Judy Greer, Kathryn Hahn, and several other actresses that make people ask, "What else was that girl in? She looks familiar..."

My schoolmates immediately commented following seeing my scenes. "There's something about you that is so very castable." "You're so natural on film." "If I were making a movie, I would find a part for you. I would WRITE a part for you."

And then it led to conversations like this one...

Me: It's funny how much quirkier I read on film than I do on stage.
Girl: You're right. On stage, you're so flexible. It's striking how quirky you are on film. One look, and you just know.
Me: Yeah. So much quirkier than I am in real life.
Girl: *silence*
Me: Um, at least, I think I'm quirkier on film than I am in life.
Girl: Uh... Well, yeah...
Me: Oh. *pause* Maybe I'm wrong.
Girl: Um.
Me: Seriously? Am I really THAT WEIRD in life???
Girl: *silence*

It was more than a little uncomfortable.

I've chanted mantras to myself about how I am the Leading Lady in my own life. I remind myself that I am the protagonist in my own story. I made the decision that I will not live as the supporting role in someone else's life. So the moment of realization that no one else sees me as a leading lady was less than pleasant.

Maybe I need to change my look. Maybe I need to look like one of the girls I call "Florida Blondes". The ones who bleach and tease their hair, and go to bars wearing unnaturally frosted pink lipstick, twenty coats of thick black mascara, and next to nothing on their tan-line-lacking bodies. Or maybe I should slick back my hair, wear grey skirted suits, and sensible black pumps. Maybe I should curl my hair into perfect ringlets, apply baby doll blush, and prance around in sundresses. Maybe with a change of costume, I could somehow end up playing a different role...

Why? Because being the quirky sidekick on film may be a good thing, but being that girl in life is a problem.

I'm Ursula in Bye, Bye Birdie. I'm Brunella in Animal House. I'm Cathy in Win a Date with Tad Hamilton. I'm the female equivalent to Duckie in Pretty in Pink. I'm the girl who exists on the periphery. I'm the girl whose storyline doesn't get a resolution. I'm the girl who could be left on the cutting room floor without the plot needing a major overhaul. I'm expendable.

Maybe that's why guys only want me sometimes. I'm the consolation prize. I'm the temporary solution. I'm the back-up plan. My type is not the Ingenue, the Lover, or the Leading Lady. When all the cards are dealt, I'm left with the Fool.

And that sucks.


May you not get typecast in life.

~A~

Two Awards!

I have received two (count 'em TWO) awards from the delightful Amy of The Devil's Lair.

The first is the Lemonade Award that I got a bit ago.



ONCE YOU'VE BEEN AWARDED, THE RULES ARE:

1. Thank the person who was so thoughtful for giving you this award by linking their blog to this post.
2. Put the logo on your blog or post.
3. Nominate 10 blogs which show great attitude/gratitude.
4. Link your nominee to your post.
5. Comment them to tell them about the award they've won.

So here are some lemony-fresh bloggers:
Alexa from Cleveland's a Plum
Andréa from My Big Fat Italian Life
Andy from Life Isn't So Terrible After All
Cait from Gracefully Stumbling
Eric from My Heart's Porch
Erin from Chi-Town Debutante
Melissa from About This & That
Meloogal from Adventures in Blunderland
Nilsa from SoMi
Tipp from A[tipp]ical Thoughts


The other is a Truly Beautiful Award



The rules to this one are:
Find the 7 most beautiful ladies that you follow.
Give them this award.
Hopefully it'll truly mean something to each and every one of them.
Don't be shy to give it to the same person!
Don't forget to tell them!

So here are 7 Truly Beautiful Ladies:
Ailene from The Beat of My Noisy Heart
Jenn from You are flawed if you are not free
Jessi from The Everyday Adventures of Me in the City
Joy from Big Time Fancy
Katie from Dr. Katie Goes to Med School
Rachel from I'm a Mom in Real Life
Renee from A Beautiful Day in the Reneeborhood



Congratulations to all the winners!

~A~

Even Keel

1. I've been placed on Vocal Rest again. No talking for me. It blows. So do my sore throat and cough.
2. The Engineer was a my date to the opening of Winter's Tale, and he was pretty charming. He's taking me out on Tuesday. We'll see what happens.
3. Moby is a dead end.
4. Remember Guy #4, the one who only flirts with me when no competition is around? I've been around him under those conditions a few times recently. I think he asked me out. Of course, I'm sick and voiceless at the moment, so I canceled... But one of these days, I'll probably have to give him some sort of blog-code-name.


Anyway. Aside from illness, I'm doing pretty well at the moment. Classes are challenging, but I enjoy them.

I'm terrified about my understudy stuff, but I'm sure I'll be able to fake it if I have to go on. Honestly, if I end up paraphrasing a little Shakespeare, how many people in the audience are ACTUALLY going to know? If I say "thou" where it's supposed to be "you", or "succeeds" instead of "persuades"... Yes, I'LL know (and will feel like an idiot in retrospect), but I don't think anyone will ask for their money back.

I've adjusted to my ADHD meds. I am, for the most part, back to normal. I'm definitely an improved version of myself. Of course, the person I am without the meds is so deeply ingrained in the minds of everyone around that I doubt they notice the changes (except for the people I've told, that is). But that's fine. It's not about them.

I'm pretty stable at the moment, which is not something that can be said about all of my classmates. I'm very fortunate in that.

Yes, I may have had a night last week when I freaked out, realized that I am a generic white girl who will struggle even booking auditions, and wondered if I should leave this profession.

Yes, I may have removed some already published blog posts in a paranoid fit that people down here might read them (even though I'd already been pretty careful about what I'd written).

Yes, I may have had to take a day recently where I cried hysterically, vented incoherently in the general direction of my roommate, ate inexcusable amounts of junk food, and watched about 5 reruns of The Office (which may or may not have been boy-problem-induced).

But you know what? At least I know how to handle my issues. I know what I need to do to make myself feel better. I know when I have to take time for me, in order to save my sanity. And thus far, I have not had any freak-out session last more than about 4 hours.


May you know how to stay balanced.

~A~

Lemonade Award

I want to thank my dotcomrade Insomniac Lolita for bestowing this award on me.



ONCE YOU'VE BEEN AWARDED, THE RULES ARE:
1. Thank the person who was so thoughtful for giving you this award by linking their blog to this post.
2. Put the logo on your blog or post.
3. Nominate 10 blogs which show great attitude/gratitude.
4. Link your nominees to your post.
5. Comment them to tell them about the award they've won.

So here I go!

Angela from My Quiet Testimony
Ashley from Our Little Apartment
bFlat from Lens Impressions by bFlat
Fabulously Broke from Fabulously Broke in the City
Heidi from Heidi Renée
K from Wanna Be Reality Superstar
Nico from Nicopolitan
Paula from *Insert My Blog Name Here*
Rachel from Confessions of a Jersey Girl
Sandy from Only Slightly Neurotic

Yay! You all rock!




Also how awesome is Maxie for making me these dandy little finalist icons?



(By the way, have you voted for me yet?)


~A~

Refocusing

(Me and my roommate at the opening of her show, Inventing Van Gogh. It was Day #2 of the meds. 01/10/09)

I talked to CCM a couple of days ago. Things no longer feel strange between us. I'm grateful for that. It even seemed fine when I introduced him to The Engineer last week (man, it's been a long time since I blogged about what's going on with males in my life, hasn't it?). We're only fringe friends, but it's enough.

CCM has needed glasses for a long time. He tried them once, years ago, but was bothered by how sharp everything looked. He stopped wearing them because he thought the world was prettier when it was blurry. Last week, he finally got a new pair of glasses (probably because he REALLY needed them to drive in the dark... being a passenger in his car was a little scary). He's getting headaches because the muscles in his eyes haven't adjusted yet. And he as a person hasn't adjusted either. He's still getting used to the idea of everything being in focus. It's going to take him some time before his prescription is part of what he thinks of as "normal."

I, too, am adjusting to a prescription that I had been doing alright without. I, too, am adapting to a sharper focus. And I, too, am having a hard time feeling normal. But for me, there are no new lenses in front of my eyes; the changes are happening in my brain. I know it's good for me. I know it's better than where I was without this prescription. But that doesn't make the switch easy.

The hardest part about this particular transition into medication is feeling alone.

I told both of my roommates the day I went on the meds. They're incredibly supportive and great to talk to, but we have different schedules, so I never know when or if I'm going to see them to talk things out. I notified my Voice professor and Acting professor (and I'm sure they'll let my other professors know). But that's not exactly a huge support system.

Hiding it from my classmates is complicated. I truly believe that not telling them is the right decision (as I mentioned in Jagged Little Transition). But as a result, they all think I'm nuts.

We've been having a Ballroom Dance workshop instead of our normal Movement class for the first couple of weeks of classes, and it has been hard on me. We keep drilling the guys' parts of the dances by ourselves. Then when we're tossed into pairs, the girls are expected to figure out our own parts on the spot (everything is reversed or the order is different). And normally, that wouldn't be all that difficult for me. But right now? My brain has no idea how to process it. Especially because we keep changing direction. Practicing it one way and then doing it another results in me having no idea where I'm going.

You know, if you told me on a normal day, "You have to go clockwise now because four steps ago it was counter-clockwise", that would make sense. But right now? Sorry, but I have no idea what I did four steps ago. My memory is completely shot. If you told me on a normal day, "You step between his feet here," I might normally assume that in the next beat he steps between mine. But now? I take that to mean that I ALWAYS step between his feet, which results in knotted legs and bruised toes. I don't know if I'm going forward, backward, left, or right. And since the guys in my class aren't exactly pros, I can't blindly trust my partner's ability to lead.

When I didn't understand things, our instructor looked at me like I was an idiot. And when I became frustrated and was fighting back tears (I'm an emotional person in general, but it's been particularly tricky to keep under control this week), I saw my classmates judging it as, "There goes Angela, overreacting again."

I wanted to scream and cry and kick and stomp and go off into a tantrum like a 3-year-old. THIS ISN'T MY FAULT! I'M NOT CRAZY! I'M NOT STUPID! I'M NOT A BAD DANCER! AND I AM NOT PATHETIC FOR WANTING TO CRY RIGHT NOW!

But they don't know that I'm dealing with things that I'm not telling them about. And if I even alluded to that, they'd say, "Leave your emotions at home, Angela. Be a professional." And normally, they'd be right. But I cannot do that right now. Literally. Cannot. It's not a matter of will; it's a matter of physical ability.

I haven't really been eating, which I'm sure isn't helping my stress level. I had breakfast on Thursday, but that was all. I had breakfast on Friday, and then forced myself to eat a little at lunch because I knew it would be a long day. Saturday I skipped breakfast, so I decided I should eat a real meal at lunch. I looked at the food, but I just didn't want to eat it. I ended up eating it in three sittings over the course of about four hours. And then around 10pm I ate some Tostitos with Ranch Veggie Dip and called it dinner. Today I had a granola bar for breakfast and a 6-inch turkey sub for lunch, so I think things are improving.

My understudy rehearsals for The Imaginary Invalid have been this weekend, which is probably the worst time for them to happen. Brain power and memory are vital, and mine seem to be on vacation in the tropics. The Assistant Director is running rehearsals. She gave me a note on a step in the choreography that I normally get right, but did backwards for some reason (I blame Ballroom for getting me in the habit of reversing everything). When we re-ran the song, I did it wrong AGAIN, and was frustrated by my own inability to do such a simple thing. I was clearly upset, but then had the sense to take note of my own reaction and made a special attempt to not become exasperated for the rest of rehearsal.

I informed the Ballroom instructor and my Assistant Director about the meds after the fact. I wasn't planning to, but I needed them to know. Maybe that was the wrong thing to do. Maybe that's whiny or something. But I was upset. I needed them to know I wasn't crazy. And I wanted them to give me a little slack, as I'm not getting any from my peers (and for good reason).

I was feeling so alienated and upset yesterday that I actually called Moby to tell him about everything. I don't know him particularly well, but I just had this feeling that he was someone who would listen and wouldn't judge me. He was sweet and helpful, and did a decent job of calming me down. He told me that I have to cut MYSELF some slack. Yes, I'm going to be off for a few days. I need to acknowledge and accept that, and not freak out over it. I think he's right.

Let's see... Roommates. Voice Professor. Acting Professor. Assistant Director. Ballroom Instructor. Moby. We're up to seven people who know (eight, if that one 2nd-year is still reading this blog). The way things work around here, that means there's a good chance that every single person in my grad school world will know in about, oh, half an hour. Fan-freaking-tastic. Oh well. I stand by my decisions to tell the people I told, and I'm just going to hope that they're better secret-keepers than I give them credit for.

Today is Day #4. Things are getting better, but they're still not perfect. I did notice today when I was having a conversation with Two-Shots-Up just how much easier focusing is. I didn't have to continually remind myself that I was in a conversation. I didn't have to fight as hard to stop myself from zoning out, changing topics, or interrupting. And it was... nice. It reminded me why I'm doing this. There is a benefit. This is a good decision. I just need to give it time.


May you cut yourself a little slack.

~A~


P.S. Do you think my posts are "sincere", "encouraging" and "inspirational"? If you are a member of 20-Something Bloggers, don't forget to vote for me at the Bootleg Awards. VOTING HERE

Jagged Little Transition

(Me on New Year's Eve)

I'm writing this at 11:30pm. I haven't eaten anything since 8:00am. And I'm not hungry.

Let's call that a side effect.

You see, today I did something that I thought I would never have to do again: I went back on medication for my ADHD.

I haven't been on meds since around May of 2007. I stopped taking them for multiple reasons. And as I was no longer in school, I didn't think I needed them (having a job is way different than being a student, and I could handle my workload without being medicated). And if I have the option of whether or not to introduce foreign chemicals into my body on a daily basis, I'd rather not.

Being unmedicated has its pros and cons, like everything else in life. One of the big pluses is that it's cheaper, plain and simple. I feel more like me. I have an appetite. I can drink alcohol without thinking about it (not that I take advantage of that very often, but it's nice to have the option). And frankly, I think I'm a better actor, as it makes me more impulsive. It also gives me more access to my vulnerability, and I can easily tap into my emotions.

Probably the biggest argument on the "con" side is where I'm left socially by being off meds. In my natural state, I am an acquired taste. There are a lot of things that I do that other people have a difficult time handling. I fidget constantly. I accidentally zone out mid-conversation. I make statements that seemingly come out of no where (because my thought process is quick and erratic, so things that make perfect sequential sense in my brain don't have clear connections for others). And I have a nasty habit of interrupting people (which I do my best to control), because I see nothing wrong with both of us talking simultaneously (somehow I can process both conversations at the same time... it took me YEARS to realize that other people cannot).

The social issues I faced in the beginning of my school year here made going back on meds a major temptation. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to stop feeling like a freak. But I also realized that I'm here to be an actor, not to make friends. And I knew that going on meds might have an adverse effect on my ability to do that.

In the middle of October, I realized that I'm not just an actor, but also a student. Yes, it hurts the actor a little to be on meds, but it helps the student tremendously.

I actually went off my meds for a semester of undergrad, just to see if I could. And I did. I was in three shows that semester, while taking a full course load, and I still made the Dean's List. I was incredibly proud of that. And I have NEVER worked so hard in my life as I did that semester.

It occurred to me that ADHD puts me at a significant disadvantage as a student. Taking medication for it isn't cheating, nor is it giving up. And it isn't lazy either. All medication does is put me on an equal playing ground to everybody else. And by not taking meds, I was doing myself a disservice. Because if I accomplished all that I did that semester without the benefits of medication, just imagine what I could do with them. So I went back on meds for my senior year, and those last two semesters I ended up with the highest grades of my college career.

After a long conversation with one of my roommates about the pros and cons in the first week of November, I decided to make an appointment. And due to my doctor having to cancel my appointment (death in the family), I didn't meet with her until this week.

My doctor put me on a prescription for the same drug I was on in undergrad, but half the amount. She referred to it as a "mild adult dosage", which she thought was a good idea considering how "tiny" I am (which is funny, because I weighed 20 pounds less when I had the last prescription).

I know from experience that it takes about three days for my system to acclimate itself to whatever new medication I'm giving it. And those three days are always a rollercoaster. One time I actually forgot my own birthday, was unable to read properly, and started making violent threats against people. I was yanked off of that drug after I had a four-hour emotional breakdown over absolutely nothing (NOTE: that drug is now one of the most commonly prescribed drugs for ADHD. It was given to me after it had just hit the market. Turns out, I'm in the .3% of people who has a bad reaction to it.) Usually, it's not that bad, but I don't know how it's going to change me. I might be moodier. I might be funnier. Flirtier. Sleepier. Dirtier. Sometimes I get headaches. Sometimes I laugh or cry without warning. Sometimes the sight of food makes me want to throw up.

So today was day #1, which happened to coincide with my first day back to classes (something that I had originally intended to avoid by scheduling my appointment mid-break). I snapped at one of my classmates when she was trying to joke with me. I cried hysterically when I was driving home from school (insane, vocalizing kind of crying, as though I'd just been told someone had died). And then I had a spastic laughing fit over NOTHING (luckily, I was home and there were no witnesses). So I guess we're in mood swing territory this time.

I had memory problems. I kept unlocking my locker, only to lock it again without taking anything out. I went on an errand, but left everything I needed at school, and had to go back. That was frustrating.

I've also been incredibly jittery. Not fidgety, but shaky. My teeth have been chattering and my body shaking even though I'm not cold.

And, as I mentioned, I've lost my appetite. I keep trying to convince myself to eat something (as the lack of food is probably part of the reason that I'm shaky), looking at food, and then feeling disgusted by the thought of it and walking away.

This is a symptom that I'm very familiar with. I remember once when I was going back on meds, I couldn't look at food for about 48 hours. At that point, I tried to eat a breadstick, and my body physically would not (could not?) swallow it. It wasn't until I was shaking quite badly and I knew I was about to pass out that I got some Doritos out of a vending machine and started breaking them up into small pieces and swallowing them with water as though they were antibiotics. Another time, I hadn't eaten in about a day and a half, and my mother convinced me to at least have a milkshake from McDonald's so that I'd have some calories in my system. But that load of sugar was such a shock to my system that my heart went into some really scary arrhythmia.

I just convinced myself to have a glass of light chocolate soy milk. It has 19 grams of sugar, so I'll probably have to force down some form of solid food before I go to bed in order to balance things out. No weird heart palpitations so far, though.

I know it probably sounds awful (it isn't a picnic), but I'm willing to go through a few days of unpleasantness. It's worth it. It's like so many other things in life. You have to go through the bad things to get to the good ones. In a couple of days, I'll be back to my old self again; a slightly more functional version of myself, but still me.

The hardest part of this transition is that it's a secret. I've decided not to tell my schoolmates (with the exception of my roommates) that I'm going on meds. Because I don't want there to be an expectation that I'm suddenly going to be easier to handle. Because I don't want my stranger moments to get responses of, "Are you SURE you took your meds today?" (one of the most hurtful comments that a person taking meds can hear). Because it's none of their business. And mostly because I'm not doing it for them; I'm doing it for me.



May you know what it takes to be who you need to be.
May you know whether the pros are outweighing the cons.
May you be willing to deal with the bad to get to the good.
And if you're going to change, may you do it for the right reasons.

~A~



P.S. I have been nominated for 2 (TWO!!!) Bootleg Awards at 20-Something Bloggers. My nominations were for "Most Sincere" and "Most Encouraging/Inspirational". If you are a member of 20-Something Bloggers, don't forget to vote. For me, that is. VOTING HERE

Tug and Shift

(Two-Shots-Up and me on New Year's Eve. Yes, she's wearing my Hannah Montana wig.)

I'm becoming someone else. Someone that I never was. Quickly, it seems. I'm not yet sure if that's the someone who I want to be. But I feel like I need to give it a shot for awhile.

It's not a bad thing, I don't think. It's just something I'm keeping an eye on.

I'm making decisions a little faster. And making them with different things in mind.

I've decided to stop talking myself out of things and into things as often as I do. I'm going to be more impulsive. I'm going to own my emotions. And once I acknowledge them, I'm going to set them free instead of drowning in them.

I'm not the kind of person who let's things go. Anything. I hold on to moments for hours, days, weeks. I hang onto words, and run them through my brain like a river. I wonder what I could have done differently. What I could have said differently. Why other people say and do what they say and do.

I've realized recently that I'm a genuinely nice person. I don't do nice things so that I get credit for doing them, but rather I do them because I feel satisfied by making other people happy/relieved/secure. And because I'm nice, I get taken advantage of a great deal.

Maybe I need to be more selfish than I was before.

I think too hard about things. I like to feel like I'm in control of situations. I am overly concerned with the consequences of every action. And I have a hard time turning off that part of my brain.

In the last week, I've made several choices about where I was going and what I was doing that were not the sort of choices I would've made before. They were braver. Riskier. And perhaps not quite as nice as I usually am. I made them without thinking about other people.

It was liberating, actually. I stopped worrying about what people thought of me. I stopped worrying about what I was supposed to do, and did what I wanted to do. And so far, the results haven't been that bad.

I'm a little concerned about this lack of consideration for others. Or this lack of consideration in general. I didn't consider things; I just acted. I was forward. I was blunt. I was -- on a beginner's level -- adventurous.

On a small scale, I'm turning into a risk-taker. In a minute fashion, I'm becoming a libertine. And with baby steps, I'm discovering my inner hedonist.

Maybe it's just a phase.

In any case, I think I'm going to embrace it. For the time being, anyway.



I don't need a new year to make resolutions for myself. But the change of year is certainly a good reminder to make some.

Resolutions for 2009:

- Call my brothers more often.
- Stop trying to talk myself into things and out of things. Just let them happen, and take them as they are.
- Make up my own mind about things, instead of just agreeing with the opinions of others.
- Acknowledge my emotions and then let them go, instead of pushing them aside and letting them control me.
- Stop taking personal responsibility for the happiness of others.
- Be more assertive. Stop letting people take advantage of me just because I'm nice.
- Stop judging people based on their history or reputation.



May you tug your skirt, shift in your seat, and see how comfortable you are in a different position.

~A~