Clever Things I've Said That People HAVE Laughed At

- I have taken to using a 1940's fast-talking transatlantic accent from time to time on set, because I think it's funny (think Rosalind Russell in "His Girl Friday"). And honestly, I think I'm getting more and more hilarious by the day.

In one episode, there was a scene in which a prostitute was told she would be paid double her usual rate. The amount of cash left on the table for her in a paperclip? $6. We assumed she was being paid hourly. One of my fellow crew members commented that it must've been rough to only get $3 for a blow job back in the 1950s.

My response (in my best 1940's accent) was: "$3? That's not so bad. Why, during the war, we were just glad to have something warm in our stomachs."



- I've started taking improv classes. And I love them. And my teacher is a-mazing. So on Monday, I decided to go to an improv jam session, which was just a bunch of improvisers messing around and doing scenes with no audience. Great fun.

Anyway. In one of the scenes (complicated to explain), I ended up being the life coach of a woman who had an intense fear of bananas, and I was also that annoying customer at the supermarket who uses coupons for everything. So I bought 700 bananas, hid them in the room behind a curtain, and then surprised her with them. After she screamed, ran, and ducked under a chair, we decided she wasn't ready. So as I pulled the cord to hide them again, I said, "Pay no attention to the bananas behind the curtain." (A fairly lame Wizard of Oz reference, but everybody cracked up laughing, so I'm mentioning it.)



- Also in an improv game... I was a wealthy-but-unwise woman donating to a civil war re-enactment troupe.

Him: So glad you've decided to donate to us. I assume you're a history buff.
Me: Sort of. But the thing I love most is seeing who wins. It's always so exciting!
Him: A lot of our fans say that. Who do you think is going to win next time? The North?
Me: Japan. They haven't won in awhile.






- BONUS: On March 15th, I watched a scene being filmed where a character gets stabbed. That's the Ides of March, people. It was a great day for a Shakespeare geek.

In honor of the scene (which was a gay hate crime), a friend on set made up a joke.

Q: What did Caesar say when Brutus came behind him?

A: Gay, too, Brute?

Don't Buy Used Cars from Celebrities

My lovely boyfriend Phil has gotten a work visa and moved to LA. And while that in and of itself would normally merit a much longer and more melodramatic post (as should the fact that I got into not one but TWO car accidents last week -- hello Los Angeles), that's not what I'm in the mood to write.



Instead, let me tell you a funny little story.



Phil came to LA with need of a car. But instead of getting a rental car straight off the bat, my boyfriend decided that I should just chauffeur him around until he obtained a vehicle. Which was made more complicated by the facts that 1) I have a full time job, and 2) he lives 40 minutes away from me (which in Los Angeles is practically next door). In other words, he sucks for doing this.

I tried to talk him into getting a rental car on Day 2 of him being here (a week ago Sunday). And thought I was successful. But on our way to obtain said rental car, we passed by "car row" in Glendale, which is where every imaginable car maker seems to have a dealership. And he figured, "why waste the $300+ on a rental car and insurance, instead of just buying a car today?"

He wasted a lot of time looking for his dream car: a black Ford Mustang. He wanted it both because he liked the idea of having a big American sports car, and so he could imagine being Ryan Gosling in Drive. But you don't see a lot of Mustangs in a low price range. (He even test-drove one that wasn't in his price range just because he liked the idea of it so much. Riding shotgun on that was the most terrifying 10 minutes of my life.)

But then! He found a sporty black Dodge Charger that he loved and adored. Again, he wasted some time trying to hold back pure emotion in order to keep his cards close to the chest during negotiations. But I knew he wanted it.

We took a break and went to lunch. I pointed out to him that the rental place would be closing in two hours, and maybe we should go there so that he didn't have to rush into any major decisions. (He had to buy the car in cash, because he doesn't have US credit, or a US bank, or a US social security number, or US work history, or any of the things you need for financing.) But he was SURE that this was the one.

Long story short, the test drive made him less certain (and convinced me that this particular car was old and lousy and that he shouldn't get it). I talked him into thinking about it. But the rental car place had already closed.

All week, he claimed to be doing car research online (which I highly suspect was him only looking for Mustangs and Chargers). He said that he just kept thinking that this other Charger was a great deal, and he should've gotten it, and I shouldn't have talked him out of it, and that the first chance he got, he was going back and getting it.

Well, I had Friday off from work, so we planned to go then. Of course, car accident #2 happened Friday morning, and after dealing with the ramifications of that, by the time we got to the dealership the Charger had been sold.

Boyfriend was not happy with me.

We went to dealer after dealer after dealer, explaining his financial situation. He seemed to be getting increasingly frustrated. I actually changed into some fuzzy slippers that I had in my car because I wanted to be comfortable during this whole thing.

Then... lo and behold...

We walked into a dealership that we had been to the previous weekend. They had just gotten in a new "pre-owned" (God forbid they call it used) shiny black Dodge Charger.

It was newer than the other one. With fewer miles on it. And a better built-in console (is that what they're called? You know what I mean). It was perfection.

Phil took it on a test drive (I stayed at the dealership doing the NY Times Saturday crossword puzzle on my phone in my fuzzy slippers... After accident #2 in two days, I was happy to avoid more time in cars when possible).

He came back, and whispered/shouted in my ear, "I HAVE TO HAVE THIS CAR!"

While he was trying to play coy in negotiations, and said something about needing to research how insane the insurance would be on a Charger, and saying maybe he shouldn't even get a car until he had a California driver's license...

The salesman came over to me, and feigned secrecy while saying, "You know, that Charger used to belong to a celebrity."

Oh, sure. Assume that the girlfriend is obsessed with celebrity culture and will talk the boyfriend into buying the car. Little does this guy know that I work on a tv show and am around celebrities on a daily basis.

"You know the band KISS?" He asked as though there were any chance that anyone my age wouldn't know who the band KISS is. Please, I grew up in the '90s. My gym teacher used to put on a Jock Jams CD and make us run laps to "Rock and Roll All Night".

"Yes."

"Yeah, this car used to belong to Gene. Simmons'. Daughter. Sophie."

"Ah."

"She was on the X-Factor."

I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I actually knew she'd been on the X-Factor. It was actually because my boyfriend -- yeah, the guy this dude was trying to sell the car to -- watches the X-Factor, and sent me a YouTube clip of this girl on X-Factor. Why? Because it was HILARIOUS. They did this whole backstory thing with her about how her parents were famous, but she didn't want anyone to know that and wanted to be successful on her own... But then brought those famous parents to the audition and milked that selling point for all it was worth.

Yeah, great selling point. This car used to belong to a celebrity-------'s daughter.

Anyway. I'm bored as all get-out. And I finished my crossword. So I decided, what the hell, I'm going to try to find a picture of this "celebrity" driving this Charger. Because when he buys it, won't that be a funny little anecdote to tell people.

But when I type "Gene Simmons daughter car" into Google, I get a page of results for "Gene Simmons daughter car crash."

Precious darling Sophie got into a major car accident in April 2011.

So I walk over to the table where Phil is talking to the salesman (who is a young guy, and kind of looks like he would be friends with some of the cast members of Jersey Shore). I notice that there is a CarFax report right in front of Phil. But, as a foreigner, Phil has no idea what a CarFax report is, and hasn't looked at it.

I pick it up. Accident reported on the car.

Me: Can I ask you something?
Salesman: Sure.
Me: What do you know about the accident reported on the car?
Salesman: Generally, we don't know anything besides the fact that there was one.
Me: Okay...
Salesman: Oh wait! This was Sophie's car! Oh, I actually do know, and it was no big deal. She was in a grocery store parking lot, and some woman ran into the car with a grocery cart. They had to report it because there was damage to the car, but it really wasn't a big deal. Sophie's mom, Shannon Tweed, came in with her to sell the car, and she said, "It's an outrage that they did that police report. My daughter has NEVER been in an accident."
Me: Really? Because I was googling, and I see online that Sophie got into a car accident that looks pretty major.
Salesman: Probably wasn't the same car.
Me: The article has the same date as the accident in the CarFax. And it says it happened with a Dodge Charger.
Salesman: Oh, well you know, TMZ probably exaggerated it.
Me: It says that her airbag didn't deploy, and she hit her head on the steering wheel, and was sent to the hospital. She tweeted a picture of her hospital bracelet. Her mother described the car as "totalled" and "accordioned", and the article says the car was "written off" by her insurance company.

The Salesman's face blanched. He genuinely looked shocked.

"She lied to me. I can't believe she lied to me. We paid her top dollar for that car!"

He went into another room to talk to his bosses.

Another salesman (whom we had talked to the previous weekend) came by to see how we were doing. I told him about the accident. He said, "Well if the airbag didn't deploy, it must not have been very serious." I said, "Want to read the article on the four-car pile-up? And how she was sent to the hospital because of the airbag not deploying?"

The dealership actually offered to take like $3000 off the price of the car if Phil bought it. But he changed his mind. Suddenly the car seemed unsafe. And unlucky.

I wrote to my uncle (who is an engineer at Ford). He said Phil made the right decision. If a car has been in an accident that major, then the structure of the frame has been compromised, and it will not protect you optimally in a second accident.

Honestly, I think Phil was a little angry with me (while simultaneously grateful). Because I twice dashed his Charger dream in one week.

(Side note: another article told me that the Dodge Charger in question was Sophie's 16th birthday present. Just in case you were wondering how the other half lives.)

And I thought, you know? She probably did lie to that salesman. Because if he had known that car were in an easily google-able accident, I don't think he would've told me who the celebrity was that owned it. We would've never been the wiser. Phil would have bought that death-trap, never having known that it had a faulty airbag.





The story has a happy ending. I ended up doing some research on used cars (in exactly the opposite of ways that Phil had gone about his). I found a newly listed used car (the picture wasn't even online yet), and drove Phil 40 minutes away to a reputable dealership. He is now the proud owner of an obnoxious, ostentatious, ridiculous, barely used Ford Mustang.

It's dark grey, not black, which is why Phil hadn't found it in his search (he was only searching for black cars... Seriously? I don't understand boys sometimes.) But aside from the errant hue, it's perfect. It was even newer than Sophie's Charger, and with half the miles on it. And it was cheaper by several thousand dollars. And has, you know, never been in an accident (even with a shopping cart).

And Phil loves it like you wouldn't believe.



So in case you ever run into her, know that Sophie Tweed-Simmons is a dirty liar. But that if it weren't for her, my boyfriend wouldn't have his Mustang.



All good things,

Angela

Clever Things I've Said That No One Laughed At

I like to think of myself as funny. And I'm lucky, because generally when I say funny things, I'm around people who appreciate them. But here are three memorable occurrences when the audience did not recognize my pun-wielding genius. (Leave your laughs and groans in the comments, please.)



1. Last week, I was working on set. I won't get into the complicated explanations of what all the crew job titles are, and who is the boss of whom (although I do know what things like "Dolly Grip" and "Best Boy Electric" mean now when I watch the end credits of movies). But basically...

Half of what happens on set (maybe more than half, actually) on any given day is people trying to control light. Seriously. Light. Like half of the crew (and there are a ton of crew people) are people whose sole jobs are trying to control light in various ways. There is a job called Director of Photography (also sometimes called a Cinematographer), who is basically the Ruler of Cameras and Lights. And then he has two dudes right underneath him (Gaffer and Key Grip) who go about doing things with the lights to create the light that he wants. And then each of those guys have a whole team of guys (lamp operators and grips, and also a light board operator and special effects guys who deal with smoke and water) to change the light.

Anyway. One day, I noticed that it was taking three grips to do one seemingly simple job (they were hanging up something in front of a light in order to adjust the flow and bounce of the light).

Important note: Their names were Miles, Chris, and Ismael (who goes by Ish).

So I went up to the Key Grip (their boss -- who is a very good-natured, joke-loving fellow).

Me: Why is it taking three guys to hang that black wrap?
Key Grip: *shrugs* It's a union set. What do you want from me?
Me: But couldn't one guy do that?
Key Grip: I've got all of them. I figured I might as well use them.
Me: All three?
Key Grip: Yeah. Does that seem greedy?
Me: Give you an Ish, and you'll take a Miles.


He smiled. But no laughter. Seriously, thought it was one of the funniest things I've ever said in my life. So disappointed.


2. On New Years Eve (just this past year), I went to three parties. I only knew one attendee of party #2, my friend Bill, who was introducing me to everyone. A guy came up to us who was significantly older than both Bill and everyone else at the party.

Me: So how do you know Bill?
Bill: He's kind of like my godfather.
Older Guy: Stop saying that. They wanted me to be his godfather, but I didn't want the responsibility, so I turned them down.
Me: I thought the Godfather was an offer you couldn't refuse.


No one laughed.



3. This one is the most tragically overlooked brilliant thing I've ever said ever, and it has haunted me for a decade.

In November 2003, I was studying abroad in Italy. I had a wacky Italian art history professor named Professoressa Barbieri, whose English was hilarious. I actually made a "Barbieri Dictionary" (that rhymes) to capture both her strange phonetic pronunciations and bizarre usages. But that's not really part of this story.

One day in class, she decided to take us on a walking tour around part of Rome to try to apply the knowledge that we had gained. We went to an old church full of Caravaggio paintings, and you had to put coins into machines next to each painting in order to briefly illuminate them. It was the artistic equivalent of the motel room vibrating bed. Those tacky Italians.

When we hit the next church on our tour, we stopped before going up the front steps because an obnoxious and histrionic beggar woman was harassing all who tried to enter. So we stood en masse in the cobblestone street, as the lecture continued. Professoressa Barbieri drew our attention to the architectural details like the "turrets" (although she might have been saying any number of things with that accent of hers... "torrents", "ferrets", and "thermoses" all spring to mind as possibilities). But we didn't hear much because of the uncomfortable moaning sounds coming out of the beggar woman.

Professoressa Barbieri: Does anyone have a guess on the time period for this church?
Over-eager classmate: It's from the Renaissance!
Me: Yeah, but I think that woman is Baroque.


No one laughed. But I did get some strange looks from my classmates.

End scene.