The State of the Angela Address

(In a crazy get-up to go out dancing with Two-Shots-Up in September.)


I have this strange feeling going through me right now. A need to cry. And I have no idea why.

So, as I often do when I have feelings that I can't explain, I'm going to talk it out with myself. And today, I've decided to do that in writing form. I have no idea what's about to come out. Honestly. So hang on, because this could be a weird ride.

I've been touring a show with my classmates. We do up to 3 performances a day. In our first 6 days of performances, we had 10 shows... which is a worse schedule than Broadway performers have (they do 8 shows in 6 days). We're traveling in two vans. One carries 2 actors, 9 chairs, 9 costumes, 1 sound system, 1 microphone & stand, 1 crate of random whatnot, and occasionally some lighting equipment (depending on the venue). The other van contains 1 stage manager and 7 actors. Some of our performance venues are up to 2 hours away. Then we get there, load-in everything ourselves, set up the show, get into costumes and make-up, perform, do a talk back, get out of costumes and make-up, load-out everything into the vans, and then drive to the next performance venue. (And sometimes, depending on the schedule, they give us each $7 for a less-than-healthy fast-food lunch.)

As you can imagine, it's insane. Most of the time, it's fun. We entertain ourselves backstage by making weird videos. Sometimes, it's really stressful. Sometimes I love my classmates. Sometimes I think they hate me. Sometimes I get sick of them complaining about everything (and each other).

But what makes it worthwhile are the kids. Most of our performances are in high schools. We've had a couple of rude audiences (like one that started verbally mocking us as we performed... or that time a kid in the front row was playing with a metal slinky during the ENTIRE PERFORMANCE, and we all wanted to strangle him with it). But for the most part, they've been great. We've come across a lot of students who are in awe of us. Or have learned more about this Greek play from our modernized production than they did from reading the classical text. And some kids have asked about how they can get into grad school like we did. And it's... great. I LOVE answering their questions. I love feeling like an expert. An authority. A scholar.

Of course, sometimes the schedule really blows. We did three shows yesterday. Which meant I was away from home for 11 hours. Which meant I didn't get to talk with Phil.

I talked to him today for, literally, 6 minutes. Between shows. As he was waiting to go into a work-related meeting. Thank God he has Skype on his phone, or we wouldn't have even gotten that. But it's frustrating to talk in that situation sometimes, just because he's in public and can't really tell me the things he wants to tell me. He doesn't want to get into his personal life in public. So instead he tells me about how he just re-watched Tropic Thunder and thinks it's brilliant, and then I tell him that I thought Tropic Thunder was barely watchable (except for Robert Downey Jr., who was actually pretty great). And then we mentally add it to the growing list of movies that we disagree about. And that's pretty much the whole conversation.

In case you missed it in my Twitter feed a while back, I'm going to see him.

Actually, that story was kind of a big deal in and of itself...

I'm doing something rather uncharacteristic of me...

I'm breaking a rule.

I'm skipping a class.

*GASP*

In two years of grad school, I have never missed a class, rehearsal, or performance. I was 20 minutes late to a class once during my 2nd-year because I somehow convinced myself that it was the weekend (whoops). But other than that, I have pretty great attendance. Actually, I might be the only person in my class who has never missed a class. *goes off to sift through memory* Okay, I don't remember Iceman missing any classes... but he's going to be missing one in November, so we're even.

I don't actually HAVE to miss class... I was originally going to go see Phil from December 2-9 (because I have class on the 2nd and the 10th... but I wouldn't land in the UK until the 3rd and would have to leave early on the 9th, so that's really only 6 days). But I found great airfare on the 27th... So I'm skipping class on the 2nd to have a few more days with Phil.

I am going to get in trouble for this. I am going to be yelled at. I might cry. I'm terrified to tell the head of my program (who is also directing me in a show that begins rehearsing on December 14th... so I hope he gets over his anger by then). Send prayers and good vibes that he's not too harsh on me. Because I do NOT handle confrontation and/or conflict well.

I think it's important, though. As a result of going earlier, I get to go to a wedding with Phil (well, actually, I get to go to the reception, and not the ceremony... But I get to meet a lot of his friends, which is cool). And I also get to travel with him to meet his parents. (EEK!)

When I officially bought my tickets (round-trip to London for under $600... Thank you Student Universe!), Phil was so, so, so happy. It might have been the happiest that I have ever made someone as a direct result of one of my actions. As for me, I was pretty elated as well. And I've been counting down the days.

He's going to try to come see me in the last week of January/first week of February. My parents are going to try to plan a visit that overlaps his, so that they can meet him.

Phil goes back and forth on how serious he's comfortable with this relationship being. Which I understand. I do it, too... I just do it more in my head. This relationship is a dangerous situation. But it still feels like I'm still accruing more happiness and positivity than frustration and fear. And whenever I get frustrated, it's because of the situation, not because of Phil. He's great. I just wish he lived within driving distance.

But other than that, things are going well. I'm still crazy about him. He's still crazy about me. And he's cool with me referring to him as my boyfriend now. :)

My classmates have started giving me advice on how far the physical part of my relationship with Phil should go. Some is positive, some is negative. Some is completely unsolicited, and some arises as part of discussions. Not all of it is helpful. But if nothing else, it's nice to know that people care about me and want what's best for me (whether it be protecting myself from things, or exposing myself to them). And that's all I'm going to say about that.

You know what actually kind of upset me today? Like three celebrity couples that I saw were splitting up. Should one be surprised when celebrity couples split? No, of course not. Fame puts a lot of stress on a relationship. But it still makes me feel uneasy.

Maybe it's because I've only recently started to think of myself as the marrying type... But I am TERRIFIED of the possibility of divorce. In my head, divorce is one of the worst things that I could possibly go through. That, and, like, pregnancy out of wedlock (which is, of course, one of the main reasons that I haven't had sex yet). In my head, those fates are worse than incurable diseases and house fires. Ridiculous? Probably. But that's where I am right now.

Okay, let's go on a random tangent:

My self-esteem is in a pretty good place right now. Which is unusual for me (and for artists in general). I feel more attractive than I ever have before (which is the combination of losing weight after tracking calories on SparkPeople, getting half-naked for a play, and having a man in my life who tells me how beautiful he thinks I am on a daily basis). I feel good about my art (and a couple of high-schoolers came up to me yesterday after a performance to tell me that I was their favorite actor in the show... which is amazing, considering that I'm a random member of the chorus). I'm good.

I'm still nervous about the citizenship whatnot. A friend of mine who said she wanted to move to London with me changed her mind this week. It's too hard to do it with visas. And that was a frightening reminder that I'm in a tough spot if I can't get dual-citizenship.

I haven't had time to blog. In any of the places that I'm supposed to. (And note how now that I have time, I'm blogging here... and not on one of the blogs that I'm expected to blog on for professional reasons. I am such a slacker.)

I sort of got a job. I do assistant-type work for a guy who lives in my town once a week for a couple of hours. He was born in 1931, but his two most recent ex-girlfriends were born in 1955. He's a hilarious, dirty old man, who tells me incredible stories. I love talking to him. He seems truly grateful for everything I do for him, which feels lovely. And he recently CC:ed me on an e-mail that he sent, in which he used the following sentence: "Angela is a jewel."

I had my first costume fitting for the upcoming season yesterday. I play an Italian flight attendant ("air hostess") in the 1960s. I'm going to look like the Italian flag vomited on me (green dress, white and red striped tights, white hat, green and red neck scarf). I'm wearing a tight (TIGHT!) low-cut dress, with a hemline that looks like a shirt when I raise my arms. They want to push up my boobs to Salma Hayek proportions. I'll be wearing a sassy black wig and -- my favorite part -- white go-go boots. I could not be more excited.

(So with the wig and the boobs, we're looking at something like this... Which, by the way, is one of my costumes for when I played a Dutch prostitute in a show in September.)

Okay, I've been writing for nearly an hour, and I still don't know why I'm upset.

Maybe I should just blame it on the dramatic emotional tendencies that come along with being an actor.

Or maybe I haven't gotten to the bottom of this yet.



May you know why you're feeling what you're feeling.

~A~

The Good News

(Me as Vittoria, my Commedia dell'Arte character for Movement class. 04/24/10)

I am officially done with classes. Which is crazy. I've been in a pattern for the last two years of my life that is about to change drastically, and I feel somewhat thrown by that.

Of course, I have another year at my Conservatory (during which I'll be acting in the Cool Regional Theatre, instead of taking classes). And before that, I'll be in classes in London for 6 weeks. But that's so not the same thing.

My super-secret callback for that pre-Broadway musical run? It went HORRENDOUSLY badly. Embarrassingly badly. I won't go into the whole story, but let it suffice to say that after singing, they didn't even keep me around to read the sides from the script that they had asked me to prepare. It was bad. And it made my self-esteem sink to a level even lower than my norm.

But then yesterday, I got my casting for the season.

My self-esteem has bounced back as a result. I'm just fine.

Unfortunately, after a couple of my classmates and I posted our casting on facebook, I promptly received 4 (FOUR!!!) e-mails from people who work at the theatre asking me to remove it from my profile (with degrees of tone varying from polite-yet-stern to scalding-veiled-threat). Why they didn't tell us that the casting was confidential when they gave it to us is beyond me. (Especially as they usually make a point to tell me if there's something that I can't put in my blog... which, fortunately for them, I hadn't done with my casting yet.)

So I deleted my casting from my facebook status. But when I ran into the head of my program today, he yelled at me about it once more. Even though I had already taken it down. You know, in case the FOUR E-MAILS I had received hadn't properly conveyed the severity of my misstep. *sigh*

But I do have a good season. I may not have gotten into the musical, but I did get a great role. In fact, I got exactly the wish that I sent To the Universe. And on top of the great role that I got, I'm also in the ensembles of two other shows, and I'm going to be in a new play festival in some as-yet-to-be-determined capacity.

In short, I'll quote Natalie Imbruglia when she won the MTV Video Music Award for Best New Artist in 1998:

I am a very happy bunny.

(\ (\
(='-')
(_")")

Sadly, I cannot say the same for all of my classmates. I'm not positive that I've heard/remembered everything correctly, but I think the breakdown* is:

- One girl has 2 leads and 1 supporting role. (yeah, she totally cleaned up... but she's fiercely talented)
- One boy has 1 lead, and is in the super-awesome-pre-Broadway musical (but his role is TBA).
- One boy has 1 lead, 1 supporting role, and 2 ensemble roles.
- I have 1 lead, and 2 ensemble roles.
- One boy has 1 lead, and 2 ensemble roles
- One girl has 1 lead, and 1 ensemble role.
- Three boys have 1 supporting role and 3 ensemble roles.
- One girl has 3 ensemble roles. (which sucks, and I don't fully understand why it happened)
- (And one girl hasn't gotten her casting yet... but based on what we haven't heard casting for yet, I'm going to guess that she has 2 leads, and 1 ensemble)

*(Note: If I wrote "lead", it means they fall somewhere between "awesome, good-sized role" to "star of the play". If I wrote "supporting" it means "character with a name". If I wrote "ensemble" in means that they were told something like "maid", "lady", "servant", "ensemble", or "chorus" in their casting meetings.)

Actually, when I break it down like that, my stuff doesn't look quite as exciting as it actually is to me. But trust me, I AM EXCITED. (ETA: Also, in comparison to the class ahead of us, my class fared better on average.)

And you know what? It's hard to be excited when you're around people who are disappointed. Especially when those people are ones whom you love, care about, and believe in.

I know what they're going through, because I went through it this year. I know what it feels like to be given a mediocre-to-weak season while surrounded by people who got great ones. I know how it makes you question yourself, and your talent, and your reputation. It makes you wonder how others perceive you, and makes you want to defend yourself. It puts you in a position of continually seeking validation. And that sucks.

I spent so much of yesterday worried about the disappointed people I love, that I actually took very little time to revel in my own luck and success. Also, it doesn't feel real yet.

It's funny; doing badly in my musical callback shook up my world. But great casting brought me to a state of relief more than one of joy.

Maybe it's just that I've regained equilibrium.

Or maybe failure is more immediately tangible than success.

Or maybe I can't process the happiness because of the melancholy around me.

But I am content.

And relieved.

And proud.

And validated.

Yes. And I'll take it.

May the good outweigh the bad in the end.

And may the sadness of others never prevent you from feeling joy.

~A~

To the Universe

Okay, so I keep hearing lately that if you want something, sometimes you have to say you want it. Put it out into the universe.

I've prayed. And lit candles at Mass (which have been surprisingly successful). And I finally just sent an e-mail to the Head of my program about something that I really want.

So I'm going to put it into the internet, where it will surely reach all expanses of the universe.

I WANT GOOD CASTING NEXT YEAR!!!

I want to be one of the stewardesses in Boeing Boeing.

I know that they've already cast one of the three stewardesses as an Equity actress, and rumor has it that they chose the show with one of my fellow classmates in mind for another of them. So that only leaves one role left that could possibly go to me, and it could just as easily go to the classmate whom I seem to be interchangeable with. And she has requested the show as well. But she gets everything. I JUST WANT THIS ONE THING. PLEASE GOD LET ME GET THIS ONE. I NEED TO WIN ONE RIGHT NOW!!!

I would also really, really, really like to be in Bonnie & Clyde. It seems like a total long-shot... But even if I get into that (which, don't get me wrong, would be AMAZING AND AWESOME), I'm guessing I'd be in the background chorus, not in an interesting role.

And I just want one good role while I'm in grad school. Just one.

They chose 6 shows for next year's season:
- One play is only men.
- One play has no women under the age of 50
- One play has four women characters who are all TINY roles. The best among them only speaks one word at a time (which is funny, I guess). The other three don't show up until part way through the final act, and are (frankly) indistinguishable from each other.
- One play has 6 female roles (and a bazillion male roles, as usual), none of which I seem to be right for. (One is a "plump" woman, one is half-black, two are "old", and the other two small roles -- usually played by one woman -- are rumored to be cast already).
- Bonnie & Clyde (which, like I said, is a long shot, but I would be lucky -- and honored -- to be in the chorus of)
- Boeing Boeing -- a play with 4 women and 2 men.

I've read all the plays with women in my age range. Boeing Boeing is the one I'm right for. It's a silly, ridiculous, shallow, hilarious little play. And I am, if I may say so, a silly, ridiculous, shallow, hilarious little girl.


I just don't want this year to be a repeat of last year. I don't want them to think, "Oh, Angela can do anything, so we'll just put her wherever we need someone." This, my friends, is the curse of not having a strong type. I understand that it can be a blessing to not be pigeon-holed, but it also means that no one thinks of me first for anything.


And really, I don't want to leave this place without having a real role. Because honestly, if I can't get a good role here, how can I expect to get a good role anywhere?

And it's not for lack of talent or effort! (I'm sorry to brag, but it's true.) I'm good at what I do. Very good. And I think you'd be hard-pressed around here to find anyone to tell you otherwise.


I remember an episode of Seinfeld about how things have a way of evening out. I'm not complaining, but I think the black stones have been piling up on the scale in the last eight months of my life (yes, this is an allusion to Lost. Sorry for mixing karmic television ideas). I need a big white stone to balance out my scale. And the white stone that I want is good casting.



May God smile on us all.

~A~

In Case You Were Wondering

- I'm going to Europe on May 5th, and will be there until July 1st.
{NOTE: If you are in Europe during this time and would like to host me for a visit, please let me know (especially if you are in Italy, Ireland, or Spain, which are all places that I'd like to go but have no place to stay). If you want to see me (and not host me) and happen to be in/near the United Kingdom (I'll be predominantly in London), or in Greece, Austria, France, or The Netherlands (all of which are countries I plan to visit), please contact me.}

- I talked to the friend who was putting me in awkward sexual situations. He stopped.

- I have a schoolmate who terrifies me, and who has harassed me in the past. I attempted to talk to the administration at my program about setting up a more clear system for students to report harassment. It's not happening.

- But I did have a complete breakdown in front of one professor, who said I will never again have to work with that classmate in her class.

- I opened a show that I'm very proud of, and that I think I'm doing good work in. My entire class is in it, which is cool. It's a total downer of a play, but the audiences seem to like it. Half of the critics love it, and the other half warn the audience that it's polarizing. I play a nurse with a New York dialect, and a prison matron with a unibrow. I love playing the nurse, but when I talk to audience members, I get more compliments on the matron.

(My entire class and our director in the pale blue shirt, after the opening of our show. 03/03/10)

- I'm on "Spring Break", which means I have no classes, but I'm still performing in six shows a week and rehearsing for another show.

- The show I'm rehearsing for is a student-produced Shakespeare play: King John. I'm playing Eleanor and Salisbury. It's a cut of the play that's rather short (70 minutes, I think). I don't have a massive role, but I'm so geeked to be in it, I can't even tell you.

- I've become friends with the classmate I once called "Alpha". We're doing pretty well right now.

- My phone says I have 13 missed calls last night between 12:35am and 1:55am from a friend. The same friend who used to be suicidal. He called me yesterday in the middle of the day really upset. I tried to call him when I woke up, but he didn't answer. I'm terrified.

- I have a t-shirt I love with a crazy print of some old-timey greyscale women dressed in 1800s clothing painting neon graffiti on a brick wall by the Eiffel tower that says "Paris Loves Hip-Hop". It's fading. I bought three different colors of sparkly fabric glitter glue to resurrect it. It looks awesome, and I'm totally proud of it.

- People keep telling me I look like I've lost weight. My scale keeps telling me I haven't.

- Two of my classmates got engaged on Valentine's Day.

- Those same two classmates are going on a Master Cleanse detox in a couple of weeks, that involves drinking homemade lemonade made from lemon juice, maple syrup, cayenne pepper, and water. Just that. For ten days. I might do it with them. I might be insane.

- I missed church this week, and I'm really bummed about it.

- I was invited to audition for a pre-Broadway run of a new musical. I did pretty well. I don't know if I'll get in or not, but I know that I'm still in the running. And that's awesome. (Please say a prayer for me if you're the praying sort. And if you're not, please send good vibes and cross your fingers.)

- My theatre has a great season next year. It sounds like there are only 4 shows that I have any chance of being in. I've read two of them, and ordered a 3rd. (The 4th is the pre-Broadway run that I'm praying for.)

- I'm terrified that I'm not going to have good casting in next year's season at the theatre. It's happened to many people before me. And frankly, my casting this year isn't great. And that's discouraging.

- My brother just got back together with the girl he'd been dating for awhile, whom I really like. They broke up on Valentine's Day, and got back together exactly one month later. I'm thrilled.

- I'm really good at the General New York dialect. And I'm really good at the Standard British dialect. And I'm really proud of both of those facts. We're doing Irish next, and it's super hard for everyone in my class. I'm going to find a way to be really good at it, I've decided.

- I love Shakespeare slightly less than I used to, just because I'm so very sick of my the way we do the scenes in my acting class... Which is basically that we COMPLETELY RE-BLOCK THEM every time we do them.

- Does that mean that I have senioritis? Or, I guess, second-year-itis? (I have another year left of grad school, but you only have classes your first two years... the third is pretty much just acting in plays)

- I want this dress and this dress (I like them both in "Bluebird", although it does not appear to be at all the same color for the two). I have been stalking both dresses for a long time. But I can't spend that kind of money on a dress. And for some reason, Express hasn't sent me any coupons in the last 3 months, and there don't seem to be any valid coupon codes on Retail Me Not (believe me, I've been trying all of them). I have one coupon, but it's not usable on the internet, and neither dress is in my local Express. This upsets me. And I think about it far more than I should.

- I made February a No-Buy Month. Meaning that I didn't buy stuff. I still bought food and other amenities. But no clothes. Or make-up. Or random junk to fill my room with. It was really, really difficult for me. As it turns out, I'm a way more emotional shopper than I thought I was.

- I'm being harder on myself for Lent this year than I have been in the past. I fasted on Ash Wednesday, and am going meatless on Fridays. I gave up alcohol (which isn't THAT hard for me, but it does suck to not have it on my opening night OR closing night parties for this show, and to not be drinking at all during Spring Break). I have also given up cookies, cake, ice cream, candy, and most other sweets. (I decided that milkshakes are my exception, because I couldn't possibly go without Shamrock Shakes at McDonalds.) And I'm trying to add more positivity into my life, and share it with others. I'm doing pretty well, actually.

- I totally had Seasonal Affected Disorder strike again this year, which I thought would never happen once I moved to Florida. But we had terrible, grey, cloudy, miserable weather for a couple of months, and I realized it coincided with me feeling generally awful about myself and my life. There was a lot of unhappiness and random bouts of crying. But the Shamrock Shakes have helped me through all of that. I'm better now.

- I got into a minor car crash in a parking lot. Which means that I was backing up, and I hit a dairy truck. Yeah. Embarrassing. And my car doesn't look great.

- After over a year of daily posts of random internet whatnot, I've decided to stop holding myself to a daily schedule on Lemon Wacky Hello. But I have one heck of an archive now, if you need some entertainment.

- I miss blogging. But I just don't have the energy.


May you never feel like you have to give up things you love,

~A~

My Eleven o'Clock Number

Someone taped our Musical Theatre showing. Unfortunately, it's blurry and from too far away. Also, the audio and visuals are a bit out of sync right now. We think it has something to do with the file type, so when I get back to Florida I'm going to see if there's a way to convert them...

But anyway. I thought I'd share it in case you were interested.



~A~

Assessed

(Newbie, All-The-Way, and me as "The New Three Graces" at our Movement Showing. 12/04/09)


I won't lie: I was scared going into assessments this semester. Assessments come at the end of the semester, and you sit in a room with all your professors (past and present), and they read written statements about your work during the semester (in the classroom and on stage). My assessments went well my first and second semesters here, so really, I don't know why I was worried. But I was.

The first 6 weeks of Movement class were hard on me because the stretching unit was a big ball of frustration for me, a person who is generally TOO stretched out. And in both my Acting and Voice classes, we went through units of Shakespeare scansion in which we're using methods that are both occasionally contradictory to each other, and are also quite different from my previous training on the subject (training that I regard highly and deem to be quite excellent... which made me unintentionally resistant to the subject matter at times).

And on top of that, I didn't get great casting this year. And I still don't know why. I just keep thinking that I'm doing something wrong, or angering someone... It has made me incredibly insecure.

But to quote the Spice Girls, "all you need is positivity." And that's the state of mind I'm living in now. Assessments went really, very well for me again this semester. And I'm relieved.

I know it's bad form to brag. So that's why I do it on this blog; so I won't be tempted to do it in life.

You've been warned. If you don't want to read all the lovely and positive things that my professors said about my work this semester, then stop reading now. :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some quotations from my assessments (and these are word for word, because they give us printed copies of what they say to us):

"Angela, you are the perfect student."

"The MFA review panel has identified the following as areas of strength: work ethic, application, enthusiasm, intelligence"

"Angela, I'm happy to congratulate you for an excellent semester's work. You're starting to put it all together: your huge dramatic imagination, your ability to tap into deep pools of feeling, growing technical excellence, a fanatical interest in the rules of scansion, and a sense of humor. You are charismatic on the stage because you take joy in performing. I, for one, can't get enough of you."

"Strong choices, strong opinions. This is very impressive in one so young."

"...you've made good progress since working on Andromache - a performance, by the way, that was perfectly beautiful."

"I have high hopes for you, Angela. Keep up the good work."

"Your speech work is clear and precise, and this semester I can hear you truly beginning to integrate speech into your voice so that it sounds natural; speech that has ease and accuracy."

"Based on your transcription and spoken R.P. dialect work, you obviously seem to have a very good ear and are proficient at learning dialect - this will be invaluable as we move into more complex dialect work next semester!" (Note: She also wrote that I got 100% on my written R.P. exam, and 100% on my spoken R.P. dialect exam)

"Beautiful, accurate work in both scoring and speaking a scored Shakespeare text!"

"You were a bit uncertain about some of the Shakespeare scoring, but you were willing to take my corrections and ultimately to keep a flexible, open mind."

"You come to voice class ready to work and enthusiastic about the work."

(on a show we did for Acting class)
"...breath, vocal production, forward placement, clarity and use of speech - in all these aspects you applied the techniques of voice class to your work on the stage. Your voice was expressive, integrated both body resonance and head resonance, was linked to impulse, and played your pitch ladder freely - truly excellent vocal work!"

(on the show I was in this semester)
"...throughout the rehearsal process, dress runs, preview, you took all voice/speech notes and made successful adjustments. You were able to find and se new character motivated vocal choices skillfully. And you maintained your good work throughout the run of the show."

"Angela, a wonderful semester!"

"Angela is very playful in contact improv. She is generally in control of her body, very willing to take weight and lift others, and is comfortable being lifted."

"She is breathing very well, and her alignment is stable in movement class, which is a great accomplishment."

"In ballet she is beginning to find her way into technique - when she gets the line it is perfect. She has a perfect body for ballet..."

"...her love of dancing and movement across the spectrum is infectious, and her ability to do new things safely has grown exponentially since last year. She is also a good partner in both contact and dance, and I look forward to her work in commedia, renaissance, and baroque dance, where her ability to act the dance will play to her advantage."

"One other thing, Angela has beautiful arms and hands and I encourage her to use them."

"A lovely semester."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And (since I know you were at the brink of hating me for all the bragging) here are the things I wasn't great at, and things that I get to work on in the coming semester:

"The MFA Review Panel identified the following as areas needing improvement: committing to subtler choices"

"Now we must work on subtlety and nuance. You gravitate toward hardness and toughness. But if you want to be a contender in the Leading Lady Sweepstakes, which is your destiny, you must also prove that you can play characters who aren't so sure of themselves, who don't have all the answers, or who are out of balance. And you must be able to play women in whom a kind of feminine refinement is an essential ingredient."

"Angela started out the semester frustrated with the differences between her body and the bodies of others: she is much looser than most people and so didn't always feel the resistance stretches as easily as her classmates (lifting weights is a more useful strength building technique for her) and became frustrated. She solved this issue on her own."

"She often locked her knees in [play]. This may have been a result of shoes that were too big, but in any case it is an old pattern to watch out for because it throws her into lordosis, head pushing, pushing her chest forward."

"...needs to increase her overall strength and awareness of what she is doing, specifically with her limbs. She has made great improvement in this area, but could do more on her own by using a mirror, looking at what she is doing from the front and what she is doing from the side."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes, you need to be told that you're doing alright.

I'm glad that I am.


May you be better than alright.

~A~


P.S. Don't you wish I blogged more? If I get a 20SB Bootleg Award Nomination, I'll try to do just that. :) My 20SB URL is http://www.20sb.net/profile/angelaboration

I've Got Moves You've Never Seen

I thought you guys might get a kick out of seeing me doing classwork. So here are some videos of me doing contact improv (as mentioned in previous post) and dancing.

(Note: The contact improv videos are just as good watched on mute... you know, for those of you who are reading this at work.)


Me and Killer doing contact improv with the theme "Growing Up":


Me and D-Train doing contact improv with the theme "Negative Space":


Me, Newbie, and All-The-Way doing contact improv with the theme "The New Three Graces":


O.D., Iceman, me, Thrill, and D-Train rehearsing for our tap dancing (me and my men!):


The 11 of '11 rehearsing our ballet number (Sadly, this is the only video I have of the ballet, and it's not a great run-through. And the filming isn't great, and you barely see me. Oh well. Trust me when I say I'm good at it, and use your imagination.):



The other videos of me are:
- All-The-Way, Angela, & Newbie (aka The New Three Graces) 1-minute contact improv rehearsal (theme: "Séance")
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4vMBXC5FDYM
- Angela & D-Train 1-minute contact improv rehearsal (theme: "Negative Space") (unfortunately, the person operating my video camera was confused and held it sideways... but it was a solid rehearsal)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lp4pAN209SU
- Angela & Killer 1-minute contact improv rehearsal (theme: "Bubble Bath")
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xz6P6GMk91Y
- Angela, D-Train, Iceman, O.D., & Thrill tap showing (this is better than the rehearsal video above, and my solo looks way better, but it's taped from behind)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irWsp_jrpwU
- The 11 of '11 doing a full class contact improv:
http://www.youtube.com/v/ZwYJjUdcZy8




May you have all the right moves.

~A~

Stories About Whom I've Become

Well, aside from the more bizarre fashion experiments that I've been making as of late (photo here being one of the less bizarre things I've worn... I wore a tutu to a bar last weekend. You know, like ya do), my life hasn't been all that exciting. But I've had a few things happen to me in the past week or so that are aligning themselves in my head tonight. And I wonder what these things say about me. So I thought maybe you could help me out with that...

Am I weak? Am I a pushover? Am I a people-pleaser? Am I a well-intentioned person who goes awry? Am I a fight-picker? Am I a complainer?

Or am I (wouldn't this be a shock) just a normal girl?



Story #1: The Song
In September, I e-mailed several of my male classmates to see if any one of them would like to sing the duet "A Stud and a Babe" from the musical I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change with me at a Late Night (aka a student produced piece of theatre that is usually one-night-only) in February (there is generally a love-themed variety show style late night near Valentine's Day). D-Train e-mailed me back saying, "Why not? I'll do it with you." Needless to say, I was pleased.

He called me yesterday. Some of the 3rd-Year students are putting on a Late Night in a few weeks filled with duets, and one of them asked D-Train to sing "A Stud and a Babe" with her for that. So D-Train called me up, and asked if I still wanted to do it for the Love Late Night...

Now, being that I'm the sort of person that I am, the conversation went like so:

Angela: It's okay. You can do it with her.
D-Train: Really? Because you asked me to do it first.
Angela: No, it's okay. It was just a thought I had.
D-Train: Angela...
Angela: You can do it with her.
D-Train: Tell me how you really feel. You're just being nice right now, aren't you...
Angela: It's fine. We can find another duet for the Love Late Night.
D-Train: No, Angela. Are you just being nice? Or do you really not care.
Angela: Well, I am being nice, but I'm not heartbroken or anything.
D-Train: You asked first. I won't do it with her if you still want to do it.
Angela: I don't even have the sheet music yet. If she wants to do it...
D-Train: I don't think you mean that.
Angela: ...
D-Train: I will do it with you if you want to do it.
Angela: ... Can I think about it?
D-Train: Can you give me an answer tomorrow?
Angela: Okay.

Clearly, D-Train is a good friend. And probably knows me a little better than I know myself, sometimes.

I came home, and just felt weird about it. I don't want to seem like a mean person. I don't want to seem like I'm claiming it out of spite (like, "YOU can't do that song! That's MY song!"). But clearly, I did want to do it. And it wasn't even really about doing it with D-Train (although honestly, I'm really glad that he wanted to do it, because I'd LOVE to do it with him), as I asked several guys to do it with me. It was (at least initially) about the song.

But this other girl... I guess, I don't want her to be disappointed. She doesn't have great casting this year (and mine isn't terrific either, so I know how lousy that makes you feel), and I want her to be able to do something that she wants to do. And so if she wants to do this song, then I want her to do it.

Also, I don't want her to be mad at me. (Because, as I said in the last post, my ultimate goal in most situations is just for everyone to like me).

And also... I don't want her to do the song with someone other than D-Train... and then feel like D-Train and I shouldn't do it at the Love Late Night anyway, because it was just done. (This last point, admittedly, is probably more my overactive imagination at work than anything else.)

I ended up sending D-Train a text message a couple of minutes ago saying that I do still want to do the song with him, if it's not too late to request that... But if she seems heartbroken, I'll yield.


Story #2: The Understudy
There's a rumor going around that next year, the theatre is going to do a production of My Fair Lady (this would be with the big theatre company, which my class will be part of next year, meaning that there's a chance that we might get cast in it).

We already know that none of us will be cast as the female lead, Eliza Doolittle (long story, but we do know that), but there's a possibility that someone in my class might get to understudy it.

As soon as the rumor hit, an Alpha Dog female classmate of mine began loudly and frequently announcing that she would chew off her left arm to be able to understudy Eliza. (Perhaps it's worth mentioning that this is the same classmate who has great casting this year, and who made pretty catty comments to me post-casting implying that we all got what we deserved... and has continued to make comments of questionable tact level since).

So, of course, a couple other female classmates waited until Alpha left the room, and got upset. They, too, would love to understudy the role, and they don't like the way she stakes her claim in things. They think it's some kind of subversive psych-out plan to make them question their abilities. I think they're overreacting, but I was getting a little annoyed at our classmate's sense of entitlement.

At dinner one night, Alpha was going on about how much she wanted the role, and how it was so perfect for her, blah blah blah. She even said that she had e-mailed the head of our program to tell him how badly she wants to be involved in any musical theatre piece that might be slotted for next year's season (the season that won't even get ANNOUNCED until March). And we were sitting with one of the other classmates who had told me that she was interested in the role, and I just watched her quietly sinking into her chair... And I had to say something.

Angela: Well, maybe you're not the only one that wants it.
Alpha: Does someone else want it?
Sinker: (looking intimidated) I don't really want it.
(Note: I was surprised, as Sinker had already said that she wanted it... And had been listening to My Fair Lady like the day before on her iPod)
Angela: What about [other classmate]? She could do it.
Alpha: She could not sing that role. She has a weak voice. Eliza is a JULIE ANDREWS role! It's LERNER AND LOEWE! She has to have a strong voice.
Sinker: Yeah, maybe she couldn't.
(Note: I was shocked at how quickly Sinker has become a yes-man to the Alpha Dog)
Angela: (defiantly) Well, how about me?
Alpha: You couldn't sing that role, could you?
Angela: Oh, couldn't I?
Alpha: Really?
Angela: I have a strong voice. And it's perfect for my range.
Alpha: (suddenly eyeing me like I'm being hunted) I guess you could sing "Wouldn't It Be Loverly?"...
Angela: And "Show Me". And "Just You Wait". I mean, I haven't sung through the entire show or anything... If there's anything I'm not positive about, it would be the last high note in "I Could Have Danced All Night", but I think I could do it.
Alpha: (looking like she wanted to eat my head) Well... I guess we'll wait and see.

Here's the thing: I don't want to understudy Eliza Doolittle. I wouldn't turn it down if it were offered to me, but it's not something that I'm going to dream about or pray for. I want a role in the season far more than I want a big understudy role. And I want to do Shakespeare more than musical theatre.

I guess I just said something because I thought someone needed to. The other girls weren't sticking up for themselves. They were just complaining behind our Alpha's back instead of saying something to her (so she had no idea that anyone else wanted the role or might be upset by her claim on it). So I decided to say what I thought they needed to say.

And afterward, I felt TERRIBLE. There was no need for me to get involved in that fight. And Alpha ALREADY thinks that she and I are rivals, which is not an idea I want to encourage.

I don't know why I did it. Maybe I have a strong sense of justice. But more likely, I think I want people to get along. And somehow, in my head, it seemed like that would help the situation.

And seeing as how Alpha hasn't brought up her fondness for Eliza Doolittle since, maybe it worked.


Story #3
When our Movement Professor went out of town, our class had Tap Workshop. It was four 90-minute classes. So clearly, not enough to make anyone a particularly great tap dancer, but we tried.

I've tapped before (for many years in my childhood), so I did pretty well. I'm not awesome, but I had an advantage over my classmates going into it, so I came out of it feeling more confident than they did.

When our Professor came back, she spent 40 minutes blocking a (easy and lame) tap routine, and said that we would do it as part of our Showing (an open class that people in the community, other students, professors, etc. can attend).

My less confident classmates FREAKED OUT. WHOA. They didn't feel confident in tapping at all. And since it's possible that the Top Banana of the Theatre might show up and judge us based on this hour of dancing that he sees, they really didn't want to do it (which is a valid fear, as Top Banana holds our creative destinies in his hands, and is rarely able to see our work).

They wanted to approach our Movement Professor and tell her that they didn't want to do the tap in the Showing. And I said I would back them. Because I want our class to look strong, confident, and skilled. I don't want our class to be uncomfortable, upset, and terrified. So I said I'd go to the professor and try to talk to her. Seeing as how I was one of the most confident people in the tap, maybe ME saying something would change her mind.

But then I came home. And I realized that I'm actually not nervous about the tap. I'm good at it. It's easy for me. And it might actually be good for me if powerful people see me do things that I'm good at. How had that slipped my mind? How was it possible that I was thinking about what was good for my classmates, and not what was good for me? I doubt that most have them would have done the same for me...

So do I do the selfish thing and support my own creative needs? Or do I support my class?

I decided to do the selfless thing. I went to e-mail my Movement Professor... But I had already gotten an e-mail from her. She wrote to the class saying that the tap dancing would be optional.

So I'm doing it. Only 5 of the 11 of us are. It's going to be me, flanked by four guys. I get to be in the middle, and I get a tap solo at the end (which will, admittedly, be lame, as I'm making it up tonight). Anyway. I'm happy. And so is my class, it seems.


Story #4
Another part of our Movement Showing is going to be Contact Improv. It's improvisational movement with partners, that involves elements of balance, negative space, kinesthetic response, etc. And it's REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY fun.

Lately, I've been getting paired with Killer, with D-Train, and in a trio with two of my female classmates (which my professor began referring to as "The Three Graces").

I love working with Killer, because we're of similar size, and we're both very playful in our work. We end up doing comedic quite consistently (I think we're probably the go-to comedy pair in the class in this work). We often start with a theme in our movement. Like "Flying Juggernauts with Parasails", "Toy Box", or "Growing Up". We've worked enough together that we have a couple of neat moves that we're confident with and try to incorporate into the improvisations.

I also really love working with D-Train. He's a lot taller than I am, and he's gotten quite strong, so he throws me around a lot. But I've gotten stronger as well, so now I can throw him around a bit, too. We often go more into combative improv, although we've had days where we've gone in a more sensual direction. And at least one time, it was just really immature and funny. But however we do it, it's always fun. The last time, we had the theme "Walking the Plank", and it was one of the most fun Contact pieces I've ever done.

And the Graces... Well, it used to be way too slow and pretty for my taste. So one day, we played with the rule that, whenever we ended up frozen, we had to break out of it with attack. And suddenly, it became way more interesting. Having conflict is really vital to keeping the trios alive.

The last time we were doing improv, instead of doing Three Graces, we ended up having all 5 women in the class participating. And we used the theme "The Last Supper". It was CRAZY, and AWESOME. At one point I was Judas. At one point I was Mary Magdalene. At one point I was Jesus. And I'm pretty sure that at the end, I was the table.

Movement Professor asked us to e-mail her our top three preferences for what Contact pieces we wanted to do in the showing. I decided that what I really wanted to do, more than anything else in the showing (more than the tap, ballet, Viewpoints, waltzing, whatever) where my pairings with D-Train and with Killer. I KNEW that she was going to put in my pairing with Killer (because she loves it), so I ranked my pairing with D-Train first, and the one with Killer second. I wrote that I really really really wanted to do those two. And third, I wrote "The Last Supper" group of all 5 women (mostly because she said to write three, not because I had my heart set on it).

Today, she said that she had made up an order of improvs for the Showing, which she had spent over an hour working on, and that she would absolutely not be changing it, so we shouldn't ask.

She put me with Killer (as I knew she would). And she put me with two girls (a group which was NOT the original 3 graces... in fact, the three of us had NEVER worked together before... As a side note, Alpha is one of the New Graces).

I frowned at D-Train from across the circle, and he frowned back. He had been paired with someone that he didn't usually work with. And he was only in two pieces, while most of the guys were in three (and one is in four).

Movement Professor asked if there were any questions. The threesome of girls I'm now in mentioned to her that we'd never worked together before, and she said something vague about, "Well, that's how it had to work out, so that all the girls are in two pieces..." I don't know. It seemed weird to put us in a brand new group the day before the showing, especially since the other two girls in the group are injured, and we haven't worked with each others' bodies enough to work around the injuries yet.

I sat there, saying nothing. Movement Professor looked up and her eyes darted right to me.

Movement Professor: Angela, you look disappointed.
Angela: I'm not.
Movement Professor: I don't understand why you look upset. You can't get everything you requested. There's no time for that.
Angela: I know. I'm not upset.
Movement Professor: And you got your first choice! Oh... no you didn't.
Angela: No, I didn't. But that's okay. It's fine.
(Movement Professor begins intensely messing around on her laptop... speaks about a minute later)
Movement Professor: Okay. [This person] is now going to go with [that person] instead of with [D-Train]. And then Angela and D-Train will go together.
[That Person]: Great!
[This Person]: Okay.

(about 10 minutes pass, and we're in the middle of something else)
Movement Professor: Oh no! But now [this person] is in two back-to-back!
[That Person]: What if we just flipped [this pair] with [that pair]?
Movement Professor: And now Angela's in three!
[Someone else]: What if Angela just weren't in the Graces one?
Movement Professor: (flustered) I had it all figured out last night...
D-Train: You know what? Let's just go back to how it was before.
Angela: It' didn't ask you to change it. It's really okay.
Movement Professor: But you looked really upset. But I was trying to make it even, and I don't want two to have the same energy in a row...
D-Train: [Movement Professor], you've seemed upset ever since we made this change. Let's just not change it.
Movement Professor: But then Angela doesn't get her first choice.
D-Train: Angela's a big girl. She'll be fine.
Angela: I am fine. No problem.


Of course, I was disappointed, but I did NOT try to make a big deal out of it. I NEVER said I was upset. I NEVER asked her to change anything. But she freaked out on me. And then I felt like the entire class was looking at me like I was being greedy/whiny/selfish, when in reality, I hadn't said anything at all.

My pairing with Killer ended up going phenomenally well today. It was one of my favorite outcomes of our times working together.

The New Graces was... well, not great. And they felt it, too. When we got up, we tried to come up with a theme, and our frazzled Movement Professor said, "You're the Three Graces! That IS your theme!" It was too pretty, too slow, and too boring. So Alpha and I sat around trying to come up with another theme (although, surprise surprise, she didn't like most of the things I came up with). Our ideas included "The Three Fates", "Sirens Luring Men to Their Deaths", and "All-Hallows Eve Seance". We haven't talked it over with the third Grace yet. Hopefully, we'll be brilliant tomorrow... but who knows?

I stayed after class to talk with Movement Professor and make sure she knew that I seriously was not upset. She gave me about 8 additional reasons why she had made the schedule the way she had. I told her I was fine. And that I was EXCITED, because I still got to work with Killer, whom I love working with.

I grabbed dinner with D-Train, and we talked. He, too, was disappointed that our pairing was cut. He had forgotten to e-mail his preferences to our Professor, which probably had something to do with it. But in class, he was so frustrated by Movement Professor's frustration that he decided to forfeit it (which was pretty much the same route I had chosen). We vented about the day for awhile.

When I got home, I had an e-mail from Movement Professor, with the schedule for tomorrow. She added back in my pairing with D-Train.

Part of me is, of course, thrilled.

And part of me is worried. What are my classmates going to think? Are they going to think that when I talked to her after class, it was to complain? Will they think I stamped my feet until I got my way? Will they be upset that not only am I doing ballet AND tap AND have a tap solo, but now I'm also the only girl in class who gets to do THREE pieces of contact improv?



So who am I?

It's interesting... It seems that the times I think to blog on this blog now are the times where I really don't know what I'm feeling.

I don't even know why I felt the need to tell these stories. Maybe you can connect the dots for me. What am I trying to prove to you? What do I need you to tell me?


May you know who you are without needing to ask.

~A~


P.S. I'm not sure if the title of this post is supposed to grammatically be "who" or "whom". If I've guessed wrong, please correct me in the comments section.

P.P.S. Am I a blogger you wished blogged more often? Think of me at the 20SB awards.

New Year, New Goals

GOALS FOR MY SECOND YEAR OF GRAD SCHOOL

1. Gain confidence in myself, my work, and my abilities as an artist.

2. Improve my ability to control my emotions during class/rehearsal when I'm stressed out.

3. Stop being afraid of my emotions.

4. Consistently land my lines.

5. Prevent my nerves from affecting me in performances, particularly in higher stress situations such as opening nights and showings.

6. Become more of a leader within my class and within the rehearsal room.

7. Have more strength to back up my passion, so that I will be just as determined of an actor when I graduate as I have been in school.

8. Stop being afraid of doing things wrong.

9. Work on memorization on a regular basis in order to prevent myself from having to try to stay up late the night before I have to do a scene trying to cram words into my head.

10. Do not add negativity into the world of the school.

11. Stop being negative about my physical capabilities.

12. Be more patient when looking for answers, particularly in Movement class.

13. Keep a straight face when things are happening in class that I have problems with.

14. Be open-minded and take all notes I get in class, no matter how vehemently I may disagree with them.

15. Send thank you notes to people when they do nice things for me.

16. Avoid gossiping behind people's backs.

17. Remember that we all made it through an arduous process to get here, and we are all clearly talented, intelligent people. They deserve to be here, and so do I.

18. Don’t let politics within the school get personal. Just because something is going on in class or in rehearsals, doesn’t mean it has to carry over into the rest of life.

19. Don't let things from OUTSIDE of class affect what's going on INSIDE of class.

20. Try to make friends outside of the program.

21. Go out, do something social, and have fun at least once a week.

22. Actually read all of the assigned reading. Don’t just skim it. Occasionally take notes.

23. Budget properly. If having trouble, begin writing down all expenditures.

24. Take all available opportunities to learn new skills.

25. Work on outside projects (such as student films) if they fit into schedule.

26. Take a trip to somewhere outside of town (even if it’s just to the next closest city) at least once a semester.

27. Go to Disney World at least once.

28. Have as close to perfect attendance as is physically possible.

29. Remember how hard it is to get to grad school. Remember how great of a program this is. Be grateful every, every minute.

30. Find something to love about every class and every professor (so that I can focus on those things on the days that classes seriously blow).

31. Swear less. Except in my kitchen, as that seems to be a swearing hellmouth. Replace swear words with exclamations such as “drat”, “shoot”, “freakin’”, “frak” (← it’s a Battlestar Galactica term), and the like when possible.

32. Cut alcohol out of diet (as much as possible).

33. Drink water for mostly everything. Milk, soy milk, and juice can be ingested in moderation. Soda pop is only allowed in bars.

34. Be supportive of classmates, not competitive with them.

35. Avoid getting too negative about myself or my potential.

36. Use days off well, because they’re few and far between.

37. Laugh as much as possible.

38. Write down all homework assignments (because I WILL forget them if I don’t).

39. Remember to step back and take time to breathe.

40. Do whatever it takes to get closer to the goal of becoming a castable, skilled, professional actor.

41. Loosen up.



If you have any other suggestions, by all means send them along.

May you reassess your goals on a regular basis.

~A~

School Love

(D-Train, me, and Newbie after a play-reading. 05/22/09)

I'm officially in Connecticut for the summer. It's the home of my parents, but I've never lived here before, so it doesn't yet feel like home to me.

Before I left Florida, life got crazy, as life often does. Daniel basically moved in with my for a month. We spent few days in Tallahassee. We spent a couple of days in Disney World. We tried to make the most of the time we had together.

(As a side note, this involved the most awkward event I've ever dealt with from a relationship standpoint. Remember Brian, the Air Force guy I used to call my Metaphysical-Boyfriend? He came to visit me WHILE Daniel was staying with me. I spent two days with my boyfriend and the ex that he's heard all about... Both of them handled it surprisingly well.)

But since Daniel is pretty much the only aspect of my life that has gotten any blog attention since, oh, I met him, I'll move on.

I love my school. And my school loves me. I don't mean that in a "my school cares about its students" kind of way, either. I mean, specifically, that my school loves ME. That is, of course, not to say that my program doesn't care about the others. Just that I don't think my school sees me as only a student; they see me as a resource.


EXHIBIT A: Assessments

Okay, so I won't annoyingly type out all of my assessments like I didlast semester (you're welcome). But I will say this: my assessments this semester were EVEN BETTER that the glowing ones from last semester. They think I'm intelligent, skilled, and fabulous (I'm paraphrasing to be brief, but I'm not exaggerating).

At the end of the assessment, they summarize the entire thing for you. There's a section on the official form for "areas in which you excelled", which was cluttered with notes, one of which was written at a funny angle to fit in properly. Then there's a section of "areas in which you can improve". The only thing written in that section was "Confidence". Analysis Professor said, "Angela, you're doing wonderfully with everything here. We just want you to believe in yourself."

So, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, if at times I seem a little full of myself on my blog, keep in mind that normally I'm far better at keeping it under wraps in my professional environment. In fact, I've been so careful to ride that line of Diva-dom that I think I've actually erred too far on the side of humility.



EXHIBIT B: The Workshop

Back in April, the head of my program (aka the man in charge of the next year of my life) said that the artistic director (aka the Grand Poo-Bah of the theatre who will determine my third-year casting and holds much of my creative destiny in his hands) had asked if I was available to do a new play reading at my theatre at the end of the month. I said yes (even though it meant I'd have to back out of the film that Daniel had wanted me to be in, causing the biggest conflict we've had in our relationship thus far -- I then said I'd be in the film instead of the reading, but him leaving film school made the decision for me).

D-Train and Newbie were asked to be in the reading as well, as were several Equity actors who were in the Rep theatre season. The published playwright was so lovely to work with, and she told us that we were the best cast that she'd had thus far for this piece. This play is the third play in a trilogy that she started writing in 1982, and the character I played was the main character in her first play. She told me that I exemplified the character she had in her head in a way that no one else had and thanked me. She said I can send her my headshot and résumé and she'll see if she can spread it around for me. (AWESOME!!!)


EXHIBIT C: The Caretaker

While I was at Disney World with Daniel (we went right before the workshop had started), I got a phone call from the theatre. I started hyperventilating right there on the Monorail. Had I forgotten a rehearsal? Was I supposed to be there? OH DEAR GOD HAD I DONE SOMETHING WRONG?

Daniel made me calm down before calling them back. It turned out that one of the high-up people in the theatre (the Vice Grand Pooh-Bah, if you will) had a family emergency and needed someone to stay with an elderly relative for a couple of days. The stage manager for the theatre called me first.


EXHIBIT D: The Assistant

As a 2nd-year student of the program, you are assigned to assist a professor or a department. This is their way of justifying paying us to be in school. There are 11 people in my class at present, so they came up with 11 stations that need assistants:
- Head of Program (the artist formerly known as "Analysis Professor")
- Head of Program's Assistant (aka the woman who makes the world go 'round)
- Movement Professor
- Voice Professor
- Acting I Professor
- Acting II Professor (who has been with this theatre for decades)
- Costumes (if anyone needs things for scenes, they go through the assistant)
- Props (ditto, but it requires driving across town. the most daunting of these tasks)
- Tech (manual labor)
- Crew (I think it's the same thing as Tech)
- Library (which is apparently a huge job involving keeping the program's library organized)

At the beginning of our first semester, my classmates were ALREADY discussing which positions they planned to request. The job post that looked like it was going to cause the most conflict was with our Acting I Professor, as so many of us idolize him. Several people told me they thought I should assist our Voice Professor, as I'm always doing extra homework in that class just for fun (yes, I'm one of those students). I had a suspicion that my Movement Professor might request me, as we get along incredibly well. But past 1st semester, I didn't really think about it.

I was having a conversation with Acting I Professor in April, when he suddenly picked up on the fact that I'm pretty on top of things (I'd go into specifics on this, but I don't want to brag or bore). So he asked me to be his assistant. I said sure.

I went to talk with his current assistant, and she said that both Acting I Professor and Movement Professor are up for promotion next year, which means that being assistant to either of them will be a far more complicated and work-intensive task than it might normally be. Instead of shying away from the additional workload as a more intelligent person in my position might have done, I decided that it was all the more reason to agree to that assignment. Clearly, Acting I Professor needed me. I WANT him to get a promotion, and I'm going to be of greater help to him than most of my compatriots. So Acting I Professor and I agreed: he'd request me, I'd request him, and everything should be golden.

On the last day of classes, Voice Professor pulled me into the hallway before class and asked if I would be her assistant. I said that I would've loved to, but I'd already agreed to assist Acting I Professor. She said that she yielded to him (knowing, no doubt, about his promotion -- she went through the same grueling process this year). I told her that I'd be happy to make up example sentences for vowels and consonants for her despite not being her assistant, just because I like doing that sort of thing.

When I filled out my request form, I ranked Acting I Professor 1st, Voice Professor 2nd, and Movement Professor 3rd. (I considered putting down "Library" because I really like sorting things -- everyone else will probably hate it -- but I thought my skills were better used assisting people). As I turned in my form to Head of Program's Assistant, she looked me straight in the eye and made a point of saying to me, "You know that just because you request something, doesn't mean you'll get it, right?" I coyly smiled and nodded. I knew she had probably already gotten a couple of request forms with Acting I Professor's name ranked 1st. But I knew something that she didn't: that he would be putting my name down as his first choice. I wasn't worried about what assignment I'd get.

The next week, a 2nd-year came up to me. "Angela, out of curiosity, what did you write on your Assistantship request form?"
"Oh, I'm going to be [Acting I Professor]'s assistant."
"No, what did you write on the form."
"I wrote [Acting I Professor], [Voice Professor], and then [Movement Professor]. But I already talked to [Acting I Professor] and I know he's requesting me."
"I thought I should warn you, you're not going to be his assistant."
"WHAT? WHY?"

This 2nd-year has had the job of assisting Head of Program's Assistant, who is, of course, the person creating the assignments. Head of Program's Assistant needs a really great, organized, friendly person as an assistant, so she wanted me. She had planned to steal me away from Acting I Professor. Clearly, this is why she had given me the "just because you request it" speech.

"So I'm going to be HER assistant," I reasoned.
"Nope," she answered.

Apparently, Head of Program's Assistant had been complaining to this 2nd-year that she COULDN'T have me, because Acting II Professor requested me, and she has the most seniority in the program.

That's right. Even though I have 10 other perfectly capable classmates, 4 of the 6 people who get assistants wanted me.

I felt like the prettiest girl at the dance.

That said, the whole thing felt unfair. I warned Acting I Professor that he probably won't have me as an assistant, despite our solid "request-each-other" plan. He seemed a little disappointed, but I assured him that my classmates are reliable and that I was sure his promotion materials would be assembled easily.

We don't officially get our assignments until we get back to school in the fall. But I'd say this story is a pretty good example of my school loving me.


EXHIBIT E: Facebook

Today (yes, TODAY... 5 weeks after classes have ended, and I'm not currently getting any sort of paycheck from this school), I got a facebook message from a woman who works for the program in some sort of marketing capacity:

Angela: I spoke with [Head of Program] yesterday about having a FB page for the Conservatory and he thinks you'd be the one to know how to set it up just right. What do you think?

Yes. Of course I'm the person they think of. I am, of course, the one with the blog. They associate me with the internet and with being a person who will help the program in any way they ask. And they're not wrong to make either assumption (just a few days ago I created Wikipedia pages for both my program and the Rep theatre because I realized they didn't exist yet... I did that for fun. On summer break. Because I'm a loser.)

So I did it. I created a fan page for the theatre today, complete with events for all the Conservatory's up-coming shows for next season.


VERDICT: They totally love me

Seriously, is it any wonder that they love me? I'm sharp, I'm trustworthy, I'm talented, I'm professional, and, most importantly, I'm the best free labor ever.




So now what...

I've been in Connecticut for a little over a week. I've already been the Stage Manager for two dance recitals at a local theatre. I may have just been offered a role in a play reading (that I didn't audition for). I've been offered a babysitting gig (that I had to turn down because of the Stage Manager gig). I applied for a job as a waitress at a yacht club.

Movement Professor says you she thinks actors should watch a movie every day. Analysis Professor says we should read 3-4 plays a week. Acting I Professor says you should always be reading a book.

I think those suggestions are all too difficult for me to keep up with, but I do see the value in them. So since school got out 5 weeks ago, I've watched 18 movies (most of them with Daniel), I've read 3 plays, and I've finished 2 books. Not bad, I think.

I don't know how things are going to go for me here. I feel out of place still, and I probably will until I get a steady job. But I'm hoping for the best.



May the evidence always show that you are appreciated, beyond any reasonable doubt.

~A~

How I Accidentally Became Famous

Once upon a time, I started a blog about going to grad school to get my MFA in Acting.

I did it because I thought it would be fun. And because I thought it would be a good way to track my progress. And because an actress friend of mine in Chicago begged me to write her and tell her everything I was learning, and I thought blogging would be easier.

I wrote from a very detached perspective originally, mostly just spitting out what I'd learned and what my homework assignments were. But eventually I got a little more free about things, and started talking more about my personal journey. I put up entertaining quotations from my professors and classmates. I thought it was fun.

I told my classmates about it, and asked their permission to blog. I told them I wouldn't use their real names, and I wouldn't write the name of the school anywhere. That way, they wouldn't be Google-able. I sent them the web address, and told them that if there was ever anything that they didn't want me to write about, or anything they wanted me to remove, that I would respect their wishes.

At first, the only people reading it were a few of my biggest supporters (like Heidi and my mother).

In September, not long after the school year started, my classmate Killer told me that he had started reading my blog, and he loved it. He said that he didn't go to bed at night without reading it, as my blog posts helped him mentally organize his days. That's when I decided that I really needed to continue the blog; it wasn't completely vain (or in vain).

Slowly, a few other classmates started reading it. And then a couple of people from other classes. And then some of my classmates gave my blog out to their family members and friends back home. People who had made similar requests of them as my Chicago actress friend had made of me, but that they hadn't thought they'd be able to follow through on. And a few of my classmates started reading it on a regular basis.

My classmates and I discussed how it was probably best to keep it a secret amongst ourselves. No good could come from our professors finding out. The administration would probably tell me to stop and delete it, or threaten me with probation (or, worse, some sort of libel and defamation law suit).

Then, I started getting Googlers... People who were searching for information about graduate school auditions. People who wanted to know what grad school was like. People who wanted acting advice. Even one chick who was writing a novel and tried to do some fact-checking with me about the auditioning process. And I answered every single inquiry with the same thorough, long-winded fashion that my friends (and readers) have come to expect from me.

Suddenly, I had a nice little loyal following. Some classmates, some friends of classmates, some of my friends who read this personal blog of mine as well, and some random fans from the blogosphere... It was nice. And I was foolish enough to believe that's as big as it was ever going to get.

But then, others started finding out. One of my donors emailed me that she'd found it while Googling undergrad auditions for the sake of her nephew. She loved it. A woman in administration had Googled a play that the 2nd-years were doing to see what it was about, and that's how she stumbled upon my blog. She loved it, too. Eventually, my blog started getting referenced by other theatre bloggers.

Then it mysteriously got ranked on one of those meaningless-but-still-flattering lists of "best blogs"... This one? 100 Best Blogs for Film and Theater Students. It's sort of #48... but really, it's in the top 12 for blogs in the "Acting and Auditioning" sub-genre. This blog was no longer my little hobby: this blog was now a reference for other actors. That was my first ever taste of responsibility as a blogger. But it was still pretty mild.

It wasn't until one fateful day in February that I knew things were hitting the fan...

I got a polite and charming e-mail from someone who wanted to go to graduate school for acting, asking lots of questions. Pretty standard at this point, right? WRONG.

"I was told by Mr. [Analysis Professor/Head of Program] and Ms. [Chair of Acting] to check out your blog. We met at the U/RTA auditions this weekend in Vegas. Your blog is quite nice. I am sure a lot of people appreciate it."

Suddenly my face was an Edvard Munch painting, and my brain activity was silenced by a Wilhelm scream. My professors knew about my blog. HOW DID THEY KNOW ABOUT MY BLOG?!?! And how LONG had they known about my blog?!?!

A few minutes later, I remembered to start breathing again. And then I realized, "Wait a tic; they LIKE my blog. They're handing it out to prospective students..." I think I literally sighed with relief. But then I hit my next moment of dread: "Oh no. They just gave me an insane amount of responsibility. I am now the voice of this program."

I answered all the prospective student's questions as thoroughly, politely, and quickly as I could. And then I tried to put it out of my mind.

The next morning I got to school, and was approached by Killer and All-the-Way. They told me about an e-mail that their donors had gotten from the head of my program (aka Analysis Professor).

The short version:
A friend of mine from undergrad (shout out to my wife! -- although I'm not sure that she reads this blog...) had scheduled an audition for my program. She had a conversation with my Analysis Professor that went something like this:

ANALYSIS PROFESSOR: So, how much do you know about this program?
FRIEND: Oh, I know a lot. I read the blog.
ANALYSIS PROFESSOR: We don't have a blog.
FRIEND: Sure you do. Angela Learns to Act.
ANALYSIS PROFESSOR: Angela... learns... WHAT?!
FRIEND: Oh, yeah. I read it every day.
ANALYSIS PROFESSOR: She writes EVERY DAY?
FRIEND: Yup. You don't know about this? She has lots of readers. It's even won awards.

So, of course, he promptly freaked out, paid for the internet in his hotel room, and Googled "Angela Learns to Act". He then spent the majority of that sleepless night on his laptop reading all of my back posts. He had to see how much damage control this was going to require.

He realized around 3am that my blog was harmless. In fact, it was pretty complimentary about the program. And, most importantly, it didn't call him out by name. This blog wasn't something to be feared at all; this blog was something that he could use to his advantage.

Analysis Professor then sent an email with the entire story above to the whole Board of the theatre (which is, of course, comprised of the most influential donors). Which is how Killer and All-The-Way found out about it (their donors are on the Board and told them). The e-mail apparently detailed Analysis Professor's state of mind through the entire evening, and then went on to say that he now realized how this was proof that the the program was training us well, and that the students were excited about what they were learning. This blog had somehow shown him (and should show the donors) just how valid an endeavor it was to train the actors in this sensational program in conjunction with this remarkable theatre.

And that's when the utilization, capitalization, and exploitation began.

Okay, okay. I'm exaggerating.

But that's when he started giving my blog out to prospective students as a resource.

I started getting emails. At the ends of emails I made the mistake of offering my phone number (because I felt that since I'd done it for one person, I should do it for all of them). I became the primary ambassador and liaison from my program to all of our potential newcomers. And then when they came to visit, they kept requesting me as a student guide (I actually took on 3 of them in a 2 day period at one point, while 9 of my classmates had no one). And when I wasn't their guide, some of them (like the first guy who emailed me) sought me out to answer their questions anyway. They were familiar with me, they felt like they knew me, they trusted me, and they knew that I would answer every question in a thorough manner. (Two of my classmates seemed offended when students they were guiding chose to ask questions of me over them.)

Analysis Professor was gone for another week recruiting. When he came back, the first words he said to me (well, yelled at me, technically) were, "'Angela Learns to Act'? You've got to be kidding me!" He glared, and was clearly trying to scare me. I defended my blog (knowing full well, of course, that he was feigning his anger... but keeping that hand close to my chest).

ME: I've never used your name! I use aliases!
ANALYSIS PROFESSOR: Thank God for that, or I would've slapped you with a law suit so fast. But do you REALLY think people don't know who 'Analysis Professor' is? Not exactly a thick alias.
ME: But I've never even mentioned the name of the school. People can't google it.
ANALYSIS PROFESSOR: Oh, people know what school it is.
ME: Not necessarily...
ANALYSIS PROFESSOR: Well, they know now. (slightly evil grin) They know because we've told them.

He then went on to admit that he thought my blog was great.

I started getting hits from the town I'm in. Board members who had googled the title of the blog.

I ran into CCM, and he said that at the most recent board meeting, 2/3 of the meeting was just people talking about my blog.

I got friended on Facebook by a board member who asked for a link, saying that Analysis Professor and Artistic Director of the theatre (aka the two men who have the next 2 years of my creative destiny in their hands) were raving about it.

When I was working box office shifts, occasionally people would stare at me a little, as though they recognized me but they couldn't figure out why. And then one day, a board member tapped on the window and said, "Hey Angela! I love your blog." My blog leapt from 19 feed subscribers to 50 in about 3 weeks.

I passed the Artistic Director of the theatre when I was on my way to a Student Representatives meeting with Analysis Professor, when he turned and called to me.

ARTISTIC DIRECTOR: Hey! You're the one with the blog!
ME: Yeah, that's me.
ARTISTIC DIRECTOR: Am I on it?
ME: Yes. A little.
ARTISTIC DIRECTOR: What's my code name?
ME: "Artistic Director."
ARTISTIC DIRECTOR: Is that all? I was hoping for something more exciting.
ANALYSIS PROFESSOR: (leans out of Student Rep meeting room) Angela, get in here. [Artistic Director], you can have her when she's a third-year. Right now, she's mine.

I went up to an Equity actor I'd never met (he's an older guy and only does one show a season now, but he's been with the theatre for 20 years and the city loves him) at a Closing Night party.

ME: I just wanted to tell you how much I loved your work in [play]. It was a marvelous production.
ACTOR: Thank you. Are you an actor?
ME: I am. I'm a 1st-year at the Conservatory.
ACTOR: ... What's your name?
ME: I'm Angela. I'm pleased to meet you.
ACTOR: Angela... Angela [Last-Name].
ME: Yes. Wow. How did you know that?
ACTOR: I've heard it around. Nice to meet you, Angela.

I don't think we've had a single Analysis class since then when my Analysis Professor hasn't mentioned it. Some of my professors have gotten careful of what they say around me, for fear that I'll put something on the internet that might reflect poorly on them out of context (like the time I quoted Analysis Professor saying that Shakespeare was referring to Vagina Dentata in Titus Andronicus). More than once I've been asked to put down my pen during my note-taking, or told, "Angela, if this ends up on the internet...". And on one occasion, a professor actually told me that I SHOULD write something down to put on my blog. My Movement Professor has vowed never to read it because she thinks it'll make her too self-conscious. My Voice Professor says that she doesn't read it, but that Analysis Professor gives her updates on it anyway.

I think my classmates have started getting annoyed. Everyone knows about it, everyone talks about it, and everyone has an opinion on it. And suddenly I'm something that you don't want to be when you're part of an ensemble: singled out. I'm seriously worried that they're going to resent me for it.

My roommate went to a brunch for 3rd-years and donors. She sat next to an older woman there, and they had the following conversation.

WOMAN: Do you read 'Angela Learns to Act'?
ROOMMATE: Is that... Is that Angela's blog?
WOMAN: Do you know Angela?!
ROOMMATE: Yes. Actually, I live with her.
WOMAN: (starstruck) You live with Angela?
ROOMMATE: Yes.
WOMAN: And do you read her blog?
ROOMMATE: No... I sort of live her blog. She comes home and tells me everything she's done at school. I don't need to read it.
WOMAN: (impressed) So you get a special preview!

Roommate said that one of the board members picked up a microphone and told all the donors that they should read the blog, and then it was the primary topic of conversation for the remainder of the brunch.

Later that day (this was during my 17 Date weekend with The Filmmaker), I got a phone call from a very influential board member (he's an NBA team owner, if that tells you anything).

BOARD MEMBER: Hello, Angela. This is [Board Member].
ME: Um, hello Mr. [Board Member].
(INNER MONOLOGUE: How did he get my cell phone number???)
BOARD MEMBER: I'm the one who tapped on the box office window and said I loved your blog.
ME: Oh, I know who you are, Mr. [Board Member].
BOARD MEMBER: I just got back from the 3rd-Year/Donor Brunch. And I have to say, your name came up. Your name, and your blog.
ME: Oh?
BOARD MEMBER: Oh, yes. All good things. We just love it.
ME: I'm glad.
BOARD MEMBER: You know, Angela, all the people on the board, well, we're too old to really know how to reach young people. We don't really know what to do with the internet. Heck, the president of the board doesn't even have an e-mail address. And we just love what you're doing. We think it's going to speak to young people here and everywhere, and get people interested in the [theatre].
ME: That's great.
BOARD MEMBER: I was just calling to ask you if you'd mind me giving your blog to [newspaper], [newspaper], and [newspaper]. We'd like to have them interview you about your blog, and maybe drum up some local publicity for the theatre.
ME: That would be fine with me.
BOARD MEMBER: Great. Thanks, Angela. Just keep doing what you're doing.

I haven't gotten contacted by any local newspapers. Yet. Who knows if I will... In my mind, this blog is not that big of a story. It's just a blog.

This past weekend, I worked at a development event for the theatre. Because of a strange twist of events (involving one of my classmates having to perform an understudy role), I ended up being the only person from my class there. And I was the only person on the beach dressed as a colonial townswoman. I was surrounded by donors, board members, people I've never met who work for the repertory theatre, and large quantities of expensive food.

(Horrible, distorted camera-phone self-portrait of me in costume. 03/14/09)

At least 3 different times, a person I'd never met before took me by the hand and began introducing me as, "Angela, whom we're so very proud of... Have you read her blog?" The people I introduced myself to without that precarious introduction often came back 10 minutes later saying, "Wait, did you say your name was Angela? Are you the one with the blog? I just put that together now!"

People started saying things about my blog that I knew were absolutely untrue, but I didn't know whether to correct them or not...

- "You know, every actor in New York reads it." (Excuse me, WHAT?)

- "I've heard you've gotten over 8 million hits!" (I have no idea where they got that... There's no visible stat-counter on there. I checked my private stats page when I got home, and it's more like 11,000)

- "People from all over the world know about this theatre now because of her. This theatre is on the international MAP now! People read it in London, Paris, Melbourne..." (The president of the board, whom I'd never met before that day, said this. I'd like him to find me ONE person in Melbourne who has read my blog and knows what theatre I'm talking about... again, I've never mentioned the name of the theatre or the school on my blog)

- "[Analysis Professor] said that with all the money that your program spends on advertising in theatre magazines and things nationally, it's funny that the way all the students know about the program is from your blog!" (As far as I know, only ONE student mentioned the blog to my Analysis Professor... I happen to personally know that at least 4 other people set up private auditions to the school as a result of my blog, but he doesn't know that.)

My favorite comment came from someone who works in the Development department for the theatre: "You know, they should really pay you for that..." Of course, where they'd find money for that is anybody's guess. My theatre is lucky, and is doing surprisingly well in this economy as far as theatres go (it seems like another theatre closes every week), but paying a student to blog when she was doing it for free anyway? That's what we'd call an unnecessary expense.

At one point as I was walking around the event, the Artistic Director of the theatre (whom, I remind you, has is in control of my casting in my 3rd-year when I'll be performing with the Equity company) stopped and looked at my costume for a second. He complimented it. As he walked away, he called over his shoulder, "So, have you learned to act yet?" I wish I'd had a witty response, like, "One never stops learning," or, "It's a process." Instead, I said a confused and exasperated, "What?!". He smiled, laughed, and continued on his way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay, so maybe the title of this post is an exaggeration. Maybe I'm not actually famous. Maybe I don't have a website that gets millions of hits from Melbourne and Paris. Maybe I haven't put my theatre on an international map. No one has asked me for an interview. No one has asked me for an autograph.

I've had a few handshakes, photographs, and general recognitions. And it's something to adjust to. It's something I didn't expect. It's something I didn't ask for.

But in this town... in this program... in this theatre... in this INDUSTRY...

A little notoriety is a very good thing.

So why do I feel so weird about it?

I love my school. I love the theatre. And, frankly, I am a huge supporter and cheerleader for my program. But feeling like I HAVE to be that person is less than appealing.

I love blogging about my journey as an actor. I've been doing it (on a nearly daily basis) for months. But now it feels like an obligation instead of a hobby.

I hate feeling like I have this unpaid side job as a PR rep, and that I'm expected to do things on top of my regular work load that no one else is. And while I know the head of my program would disagree and say that my responsibilities as a student come first, I know that people would be disappointed if I stopped. And I'd feel horrible for disappointing them.

Maybe I was naïve for thinking I could keep it a secret. I did bring this all upon myself. And I won't lie; there is some part of me that likes the attention. I like feeling like I'm making a difference. I like being a resource to other actors and students. I like the positive reactions I've gotten. I like feeling like I'm doing something important.

I just wish that I could get as much notice for my acting as I do for my writing habit.


May fame not be as important to you as what you're famous for.

~A~


P.S. This blog has sort of been a casualty in this war. My less-regular-than-usual posting is probably because blogging seems less like escapism and more like a job now. So forgive me for doing a post every couple of weeks instead of a couple of posts every week.

P.P.S. That first guy who e-mailed me? He was interested in 2 other schools as well. He got an offer from my program on the first day of the offers period. He emailed me literally 13 times with lists of questions, which I responded to thoroughly. He came to visit, and D-Train hosted him, but he spent more time talking with me. He ended up accepting his offer and will be a student here in the fall. I can't help but feel a little bit of pride about that.