Things I Haven't Told You Yet

I graduated with my MFA in Acting. From here on out, you may choose to call me Master Angela (or Mistress Angela? They never explained that) if you wish. Or you may choose not to do so. I won't be bothered either way.

I spent ten weeks with Phil this summer. Five in the UK, and five in the USA. We visited his parents. He helped me to pack up my Florida stuff and ship it to Connecticut. We went to Disney World. We visited my parents. We went to NYC, Cape Cod, and Martha's Vineyard. And we had an amazing time.

The best thing we did? Take our stuffed penguin son Hugsy (like the one Joey had on Friends) to the London Zoo. Best day of 2011... so far.

After he left, I was a mess. I started laying on the couch in my pajamas all day watching really questionable reality television. (I have not had a television in four years or cable for five years, so I have a lot of catching up to do... By the way, "Millionaire Matchmaker", "Say Yes to the Dress", and "What Not to Wear" have become my favorites.) It took me about a week of crying and moping before I decided it was time to stop.

In April, I had a showcase in NYC, and some agents were interested in meeting with me. I had meetings with a few people in May. I have a couple more to meet with, but they have proven difficult to track down.

Yes, I am officially living in Connecticut at the moment. A state in which I have very few ties. I am trying to see if I can make connections in NYC. I am also still trying to grab onto a white whale called Italian Citizenship so that I can be in London with Phil.

I got a job. I'm going through barista training at a small, very un-busy coffee shop. On my first day, I learned cappuccino, latte, mocha, cafe au lait, americano, smoothie, iced coffee, frozen coffee, chai, hot chocolate, tea, and various flavors and combos of all the previously listed drinks. It was a very long first day.

I've also been taking inventory for a store that's being liquidated. And I have to tell you, I LOVE that job. I love data work. I know it's weird for a person in a creative profession to like something that most people would find mind-numbing, repetitive, boring, tedious, etc. But I can't help it. I'm fantastic at it, and I thoroughly enjoy it. Sometimes it feels like it's the one thing in my life that I have easily under control.

I decided that I miss blogging. But I didn't know how to start again.

Most days I just feel overwhelmed and somewhat lost. I don't know how to prioritize.

Should I be focused on unpacking the 20+ boxes of stuff I had shipped from Florida? Because if I'm moving again (to NYC, or to London, or to LA, or to the antarctic) then what's the point?

Should I be focused on getting work in NYC? Because I have no plans to be there long term, so what's the point of establishing myself there? And am I wasting time, when I should be finding a way to get to London quicker, like an internship that starts in October?

But if I have an internship in London, then I'm not establishing myself as an actor at all, anywhere, and there are going to be gaps in my résumé when I try to act again.

And since I'm planning to act again in LA, maybe I should just go to LA now and stop worrying about London altogether. Phil will be in LA eventually... But can we really handle the 8 hour time zone difference in the meanwhile?

It's complicated.

Anyway. Hello again, blogging world.

Maybe I'll write you again some time.


May you always know what your next move should be.

~A~

My Boyfriend Is Talented

My boyfriend wrote the screenplay to this short film, Modern Life Is Rubbish. It has just become an official selection of the BBC Film Network. It stars Rafe Spall and Rebecca Night.



I'm super proud of my boyfriend. :)

Please watch and reblog.

~A~

Tipping the Scale

(Me and my classmate Iceman performing at Drunken Shakespeare last week.)

After much research, I reworked my American résumé into a more British-looking CV. Then I sent it off to a friend of Phil's who is some sort of headhunter for advice on how to make it better. And what she sent me back were basically instructions on how to turn this CV into something that was nearly identical to the résumé that I had initially. (Is that irony? I'm always so afraid of using -- or, really, misusing -- that word... It's a combination of funny and frustrating, I suppose.)

But there are bits of progress on this road.

- I had a job interview that would give me a three-month, part-time internship. It seemed to go well. It's exactly the sort of thing that I'm qualified for, thanks to my years in Chicago doing database work at a desk. *fingers crossed*

- A really, really awesome internship position opened up at an acting agency. I wouldn't be acting, of course, but I've heard it's a good idea for actors to intern at agencies, to try to learn the ins and outs of a different side of the business. There are only two spots, and I'm guessing it's going to be super competitive... But if I got it, it would be perfection.

- Mom seems to have gotten some positive news regarding the Italian citizenship whatnot. We're still a long ways off from anything actually happening, but this is a start.


So maybe I'm getting closer.

Long distance relationships are, as one might imagine, fraught with difficulties. They are a breeding ground for anxiety. They eat large chunks of time out of your day, during which you sit around waiting and waiting for a Skype call that could come at any time within a vague three-hour span. They force you to sacrifice attending social events with real live people whom you could actually touch if you so chose. They plant seeds of doubt in your mind, making you question over and over again whether this complicated relationship -- and all of the turmoil, work, stress, loneliness, and heartache it brings you -- is worth it. And if you're doing it right, you have to believe with every part of your being that it is.

Each passing day brings with it the painful knowledge of a longer separation, making it harder to recall what the other person smells like, or how it feels when they touch your face. But the passing days also bring with them the knowledge that you are one day closer to being reunited (which doesn't provide a great deal of comfort, truth be told, but you have to gather strength wherever and whenever you can).

I don't know why I've had so many long distance relationships in my life. Just unlucky, I guess. Or maybe so foolhardy that I think it's best to date whomever I want to date, regardless of how separated our present locales may be. Of course, in the past, there has always come a day when the cons of the relationship have outweighed the pros.

I won't lie: the con side of the scale is very heavy at the moment.

(*whiny teen moment* This is really, really hard, you guys.)

But it doesn't matter. I can't imagine not being with him. So those cons, as heavy as they may be, are irrelevant. They are given circumstances, and I accept them.

I will find a way to get to London. I will tip the scale, emptying the con tray in one motion. I will.


May you know how to tip the scale in your own favor.

~A~

Stress and Stomachaches

Warning: this is a post in which I talk about medical issues. Don't read if that bothers you.



I've been getting weird stomachaches since I was in fifth grade. Intense pain that made me double-over and made it hard to walk. They always seemed to be stress-related (although really, how much stress can a fifth-grader be under?) They were sporadic for most of my life.

In my senior year of undergrad, they became more frequent. I went to a doctor. I had a scope done. He told me I had an over-production of acid in my stomach, and prescribed medication. It seemed strange to have to take medication daily for pain that struck mysteriously, so I stopped taking it not long after I started.

Then, nearly two years ago, I started getting a different kind of stomachache. A different part of my abdomen. Also potentially stress related. Also with such intense pain that I double-over, unable to walk. Sometimes the pain gets so bad that I can't speak. Or think. Every ounce of energy I have becomes focused into managing that pain.

I spent 9 days straight in bed that summer, taking 800 milligrams of ibuprofen and praying it would stop. But even when I wasn't in pain, I was so weak from trying to manage the pain that it didn't make sense to get out of bed. I went to a few different doctors. I had blood work done multiple times. And a cat scan. And an ultrasound. One by one, each hypothesis was ruled out.

The best guess my doctor could take was something about having spasms. He gave me anti-spasm medication and told me that I'd have to take them when I had the pain, and if they worked, then we'd know what it was.

But then -- mysteriously -- the stomachaches disappeared, just as quickly as they had arrived.

I don't know when they're going to strike. Sometimes, I go for months without getting one. Or I get one relatively mild one in an isolated incident, and then nothing. I take the anti-spasm meds, but I honestly don't think they do anything. Sometimes the pain goes away, but usually it doesn't.

In September, I started getting them daily. But then they stopped again.

And about a week and a half ago, I started getting them again. During a dress rehearsal for the show I just opened, I had to take off part of my costume because it was putting more weight on my abdomen and causing me a lot of pain. A few days ago, I had to tell my stage manager during a matinee that the pain was unbearable, and there was a chance I might have to miss the evening performance... but then the pain vanished, and I was fine the rest of the night. Go figure.

I'm in bed now. I have been for most of the day. The pain comes in spurts. But I feel too weak to bother doing anything. (And, unfortunately, I chose to give up blog-reading this week for Lent, so I can't even catch up on my Google Reader.)

I don't know if it's stress-related or not. I have stress in my life right now, but there have been plenty of times when I've had stress and no pain.

Maybe it's the stress of trying to get to London. It's not a hopeless situation, but it's a frustrating one.

Or the stress of Showcase, which is a month from today in New York City.

Or the stress of being in two shows while understudying three other roles.

Or the stress of being in a long-distance relationship.

I don't know what it is.

But I want the pain to go away. And stay gone.

I don't even see the point of going to a doctor any more. I'd have to have the doctors in Connecticut send records to the doctors in Florida, which would involve me doing some faxing and mailing of request forms and the like. It would just add to the stress. And I wouldn't even know what sort of doctor to go to. So far, my mysterious maladies have stumped a general practitioner, two gynecologists, and two gastroenterologists.

I'd better stop writing. I'm giving myself a headache. And that's really the last thing I need at this moment.


May your pains disappear... and not reappear.

~A~

My Love Lives in London

Phil came to visit at the end of January. For the first time, he was in my world instead of me being in his. And it was surreal, in the best way possible. It was marvelous.

We went to Universal Studios. (Including the Harry Potter World, which aside from the ButterBeer was COMPLETELY DISAPPOINTING.)




We went to the Jungle Gardens where we fed flamingoes (including Adrian, the baby I studied my first year for an acting observation assignment) and he held an alligator (named Peter Pan).






We played mini-golf (and I won). And we shopped. And we hung out in the tourist-y part of town.


He met my parents. They came down to Florida to meet him. At the first moment I had with them without Phil...

Mom: Oh, Angela! We LOVE Phil!!! Phil is just great! [Dad's name], Angela wants to know how much we love Phil.

Dad: Did she say that?

Angela: No.

Dad: Well. He seems like a nice, polite, hard-working, ambitious, intelligent young man, and he cares about you very much. We're very happy for you.

We had a picnic on the beach.




We went to the Dali museum.


He saw me act for the first time.






We explored the banyan trees and the Ringling grounds.






We put up a reading of a play he wrote (which was a massive success!!!) and hung out at a bar with the cast afterward.






We had an early Valentine's day.


We felt good and right and happy and comfortable and normal and wonderful.


Since he's been gone, it's been tough. The first week apart felt horrible. Far worse than the previous times we've been separated.

Maybe it's because we're deeper in this than we were before. Maybe it's because we don't know when we're going to see each other again. Maybe it's because once you get to a point where being with someone is normal, it's hard to feel normal without them.

I applied to a job in London that would grant me a 6-month internship visa. I could use some prayers, if you're the praying sort. Or I'll take some good vibes and well wishes if you're not.

If I don't get it... I don't know what we'll do.

The German citizenship isn't happening, and now it looks like Italian may be out as well. The Tier 1 Work Visa for highly skilled migrants (like people with MFAs) has now been discontinued for "overseas applicants" like me.

If we got engaged, I could live in the U.K. for 6 months, but I wouldn't be able to work... and I can't afford that. Which means we'd have to get married super-fast, and I'm not okay with that.

Phil is the man I want to marry. But I don't want my marriage to start as a result of a worst case scenario. "Well this didn't work, that didn't work, and this other thing didn't work. Darn it, I guess we'll have to get married." It just doesn't seem right.



So if anyone out there knows anyone that could help me, please let me know. In particular, I am looking for:
- Immigration solicitors/lawyers
- Members of Parliament, or other officials in the British government
- Anyone in the Royal Family
- Anyone in London who might be able to offer me a job that could get me a work visa
- Anyone in London who might be able to offer me an internship (either paid or with free housing) that could get me an internship visa
- Anyone who is a US citizen who is currently living in the UK on some sort of visa.
- Italian government officials
- Anyone who works in the Italian embassy, even as a secretary
- Con artists, mafiosos, or other unsavory characters who might be able to finagle a way for me to get into the U.K. with the ability to work


That's how desperate I am to get back to this boy.



May you not have to resort to illegalities to get what you want.

~A~

I've Been Meaning to Blog...

But I just don't have the interest these days.

I went and visited Phil. It rocked. I met his friends. I met his parents. I got a lot of good cuddling time in. And he brought so much joy into my world, I can't tell you.

When I got back to the USA, it felt wrong. Home isn't a place anymore; home is a person. I'm home when I'm with Phil.

I've had a cold/cough since December 7th. It just won't quit, even though I've had a Z-pack, two nasal sprays, and have been taking Mucinex-DM. I'm going back to the doctor tomorrow.

I finished out the year of 2010 in a room with 3 people over the age of 65, and 5 gay men I met that night. It should've been lonely. And strange. But it's alright. I celebrated with Phil over Skype at midnight GMT (7pm my time).

2010 was supposed to be The Year of the Crimson Diva. But what 2010 actually became was so much more than that. It was the year when I learned to accept and love myself as I am. And it was the year that I found someone else whom I love.

Maybe 2011 should be The Year When I Learn to Be a Lady. But that seems like too much of an undertaking. So instead it will be the year when I try to pare down on my things... and perhaps the year when I start being more organized.

To be honest, I like being a messy person. It's a lifestyle choice. I feel more in control of my space when I can take over and throw stuff everywhere. I like that.

But Phil is neat and organized. He's somewhat OCD about it. So we're both going to have to learn to compromise. I'm going to learn how to not hate organization. And he's going to have to learn how to deal with things not being in perfect order (because if he lines up the remote controls in a parallel manner, God help me, I may have to strangle him).

I wouldn't change on my own. But I'm going to try to change for him. I guess this must be getting serious.

Oh, who am I kidding. I think you all know this is serious. I love him. And I can't imagine my life without him.

This is the guy. This is it.

Of course, now I have to find a way to be with him.

I'm applying for a job in London that would give me a 6-month internship Visa. It would work out perfectly for my life goals. If you're a praying sort of person, I could use a little back-up on this one.

I'm also applying for Italian citizenship. And applying for a Tier 1 work Visa. And looking into other internships in the UK.

I have to get to him.

But in the meanwhile, he's coming to me.

I'm in rehearsals for a play right now. I have a great role. I'm having fun. It opens on January 21st.

On January 23rd, Phil lands in Florida. He'll be here for 10 days.

On January 28th, my parents land in Florida. They'll be able to see my play AND meet Phil.

It's a big couple of weeks for me. I'm excited. And scared.

And I really need to start cleaning my room.



May what your goals be great, and your accomplishments greater.

~A~