The Berard Pivot Questionnaire

The Bernard Pivot Questionnaire (made famous by Inside the Actor's Studio):

Q: What is your favorite word?
A: Bunny. (Lackadaisical is a close second.)

Q: What is your least favorite word?
A: The C-word. I hate it.

Q: What turns you on?
A: Discussing the First Folio, because I'm a Shakespeare geek. Also discussing Harry Potter, Greek mythology, and musical theatre.

Q: What turns you off?
A: Horrendous errors in grammar, spelling, and punctuation. Also, people who get their facts wrong.

Q: What is your favorite curse word?
A: Frak! (Don't argue that it's not a curse word... I think we all know what the intention behind it is.)

Q: What sound do you love?
A: The "zh" sound. It's like a "sh", but voiced (as in the middle of the word "pleasure").

Q: What sound do you hate?
A: Dogs barking.

Q: What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?
A: I'd like to write short books of non-fiction stories. Like David Sedaris, only less witty.

Q: What profession would you not like to participate in?
A: Zookeeper. It's hard work, it's messy, and you know that the animals secretly hate them and are planning retaliation.

Q: If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
A: Well done.




I'm not tagging anyone, as this wasn't technically a meme. But feel free to do it yourself. :)

American Boy

This is what my birthday turned into. Enjoy.


American Boy from Angela Boration on Vimeo
(D-Train, Two-Shots-Up, and me, drunkenly performing "American Boy" in my kitchen on my birthday.)

The Birthday Post

October 25. My birthday.

I'm 24 years old today.

I rather like that. I find 24 to be a fetching number.

I think I've now successfully crossed over from "Early 20s" to "Mid-20s". Crazy. If I weren't so young, I'd feel so old.


Twenty-three (which rolls off my tongue now the way that "Cherry Coke" does) was a good year. Perhaps a great one. I'm in grad school. I got my heart-broken (which I've decided was a good thing to experience). I'm practically an adult. And in general, I'm content.

I'm constantly learning, growing, and changing. I'm a different person now than I was a year ago, although I think I am very much still me.


What 23 taught me:

- Long-distance relationships aren't going to work out, no matter how great I think the guy is.

- My dreams are worth fighting for.

- If I feel like I'm in a rut, then I probably am, and I need to do everything in my power to get out of it.

- I can accomplish great things if I'm determined enough.

- Sometimes I don't need to apologize.

- I'm alright living on my own.

- I don't have to be an adult 100% of the time. Not even 50%, really.

- I'm young, and it's okay to be impulsive.

- Mistakes can be great things. Sometimes they lead you down better paths. And if nothing else, you learn a lot more from mistakes than you learn by doing things right the first time.

- I really, really, really love theatre. And I really am meant to be an actor.

- I'm good at acting. Very good.

- If I were to be anything other than an actor, I would be a writer. (I guess at this point in my life I'm sort of both.)

- I have a fear of doing things incorrectly, and I need to get over it. As soon as possible.

- It's impossible to be friends with everyone.

- Traffic doesn't always stop for me just because I'm cute. (See Autobiographical Autopsy)

- It is POSSIBLE for me to be a vegetarian.

- I don't much like being a vegetarian. Except for the sense of elitism that it occasionally provides; that I like.

- I am not fat.

- I have the potential to be sexy. I just don't know how to tap into it yet.

- People enter and exit my life at exactly the times that they have to. I shouldn't question it or force it. And I definitely shouldn't lament it.

- I am vulnerable, I am sensitive, and I am emotional. And that's not a bad way to be.


So here's to 24!



May you bloom and grow, bloom and grow forever.

~A~



P.S. It's really interesting to me how much my blogging style has changed in the last year. Just as long-winded, but it's different. Check out my birthday post from a year ago, Fateful Birthdays. It's also funny that I thought 23 wouldn't be very exciting. It clearly was.

P.P.S. Yes, my blessing for you today was a lyric from the song "Edelweiss" from The Sound of Music.

Going Private?

My brother thinks that it's only a matter of time before someone finds this who shouldn't. (CCM, Moby, Y2K, or my professors, for example.)

He's probably right.

Actually, he's pretty convinced that it's already being read by people who I don't want to be reading it.

I guess he could be right.

I'm seriously considering making this a private blog.

I can't stop blogging altogether. I'm too addicted at this point. And I know that there are some of you out there who are just as addicted to my blog as I am (the charming Nico, for example).

If I were to make this a private blog, that would mean that it would no longer show up in your GoogleReaders and BlogLines. You would have to give me your email address so that I could invite you to read it. You would have to come directly to the page. You would have to sign in.

Basically, I expect that the step of privatization would take my readership down from 135 to about 4. (Because I know about myself that if something's not in my Reader, I forget that it exists.)

I'm putting up a poll (in the upper right-hand corner), and I need honest feedback. If I were to make this a private blog, would you keep reading and commenting? Because if I make the switch, I want to know what I'd be getting myself into. Losing that many readers at once would be a bit painful for me. But it might have to be done.

If nothing else, I might be moving to a less obvious address (having my name in the title means that it's easy to spot on other people's blog rolls). We'll see.

So please go vote on the poll. And please be honest.

~A~

Half-Dozen Meme

I've been tagged by Roisin for a meme. I don't particularly care for memes, but I haven't done one in a while, so I've decided to oblige.

I'm supposed to write six random things about myself. Six things I've never said before? Is that even possible at this point? I'll give it a whirl.

1. I made a bunch of postcards to send in to PostSecret while procrastinating from homework a couple of nights ago. I didn't know what I was going to write on any of them until I wrote... and I surprised myself. I have more secrets than I thought I did. And some of them seem to be in direct conflict with each other. I guess I'm just weird.

2. I've decided that I hate having crushes. I'm starting to have one now, and I sort of what to just stomp it out and make it go away. I know that the next three years would be a lot easier if I could remove all romantic temptation from my life completely. (Don't worry... I'm sure I'll write more about this at a later date... and just pray that he never finds my blog.)

3. My favorite painting is The Metamorphosis of Narcissus by Salvador Dalí. I like it so much that I found a way to work it into my (unfinished) novel. I can't even properly articulate why I love it. But when I saw it in person in London back in 2003, I started getting emotional over it.

4. I promised myself that I wouldn't drink alcohol again until my birthday (last alcohol consumption: August 6th. Birthday: October 25th). I also promised myself that I'd be a vegetarian for a year (last meat consumption: November 9th). I can't decide which I'm more excited for... getting completely wasted on my birthday, or getting a Wendy's burger two weeks later... They're both so exciting!

(Sorry to my vegetarian and vegan friends. I know you're disappointed, but I have made an excellent effort over an extended period of time... This herbivore lifestyle is just not for me. I need some chicken, and I need it soon.)

5. I hate taking adult vitamins, so I take Flintstones vitamins. I figure it's better than nothing.

6. I feel the need to name inanimate objects, especially vehicles. My car (who is currently in the shop... AGAIN) is named Ramona. The loaner cars I've had recently have been Veronica and Paolo. Past cars have been Smith (full name Smith W. Jones) and Jersey.


Apparently now I'm supposed to tag people... So here we go...

- Andhari
- Bitsy Dungaree
- Downbeat
- Jess
- Miss Bee
- Paula

Semi-Anonymous Blogging

So you know that thing that I really didn't want to happen?

It happened.

That's right; my classmates found my blog.

At least one of them did, anyway. Possibly two.

I knew right away, of course, as I'd already labeled their IP address (they live together) from my grad school blog. I knew it wouldn't be hard to find this one if they had that one. People comment on that one, you click on their comments, it takes you to their blog, and I'm on their blog-roll. You could get here from there in under 30 seconds, even without actively looking for this.

Actually, I made it even easier by being sloppy. I responded to a comment while signed in, which linked to my profile, which linked to this. Easy as pie.

I didn't know quite what to do at first, so I sent them an email:

Okay, so I know that one of you found my real blog.

Please do me a favor and don't spread it around.

And also, I hope that you having read that doesn't make anything awkward. *crosses fingers*

~A~

I ended up texting one of them (the one whom I assumed it was, as he asked me for my blog address just last night). It was him, indeed. He said he wasn't offended, and that I hadn't written anything that wasn't true. He seems to feel guilty for having read it, and assured me that he wouldn't again. But frankly, this stuff is on the internet. It's not like I can be upset if people read it. I told him as much.

The other classmate wrote me, quote, "your secret is safe with me". He said he hadn't looked at the blog yet, and didn't know if his roommate had.

I was a little relieved. As far as I can recall, I haven't written anything negative or scandalous about either party, but it's still nerve-racking the first time someone from real life reads your blog. Particularly if they arrived on the scene without warning.

I relayed this story to my roommate later, and she made it clear that she has a problem with blogging and bloggers. She thinks that this, as a medium, is a major invasion of privacy. After all, if I tell a story about myself that involves other people, I've just put a story about them on the internet. And if, say, their families, friends, girlfriends, etc. find this blog, then I may have put them in, at the very least, an awkward situation.

I see her point. I take certain measures to help prevent that, including:

- Making this blog un-Google-able.
- Not writing where I'm at school.
- Not using my classmates' real names.
- Being incredibly vague on occasion. (Note how I'll sometimes tell a story using phrases like "one of my classmates" instead of using that person's specific nickname.)

Is that enough? Hopefully.

My roommate says it really bothers her that I track IP addresses. If you got an email out of nowhere saying that someone knew you'd read their blog, wouldn't you think, "YOU'RE the stalker, not me"?

I never really thought about it like that.

There really is a culture to blogging, I suppose. Something that makes it seem like its own little world, away from the rest of life. Things that bloggers do make sense to us, though they might not make sense to the outside world. It's weird when those worlds collide.

It's especially odd for someone like me. I like to think of myself as a "semi-anonymous" blogger. I blog under my own name. I post pictures of myself. Some people that I know primarily from real life read my blog. And nearly everyone that I interact with on a regular basis (including some of my professors) knows that I have a blog. The "anonymous" part kicks in because I don't tell people where this blog is. I don't link to it on my Facebook profile, I don't put it on my business cards... Generally, I don't even tell people where it is when they ask.

When my classmate asked me for my blog address last night, I must've visibly squirmed. He asked, "oh... is it a secret?" I told him that I'd rather people here not read it, but that it's on the internet and if he found it, he could read it. He said that the internet was a big place, and he didn't plan to look. Then he found it within a matter of hours.

But that is how I feel about things. My brother reads this from time to time. Ex-coworkers read this (and were reading it long before there was an ex in front of coworker). A few Tony n' Tina's people read this. And that's fine. They can read it at their own risk, and I'll just pray that I haven't upset them. But I also have a right to free speech.

That said, I wish to offend no one. Someone once asked me to stop blogging about him, so I did. Someone once asked me to remove a post, so I did. Someone asked me to not mention something that we did together, so I didn't. I didn't think that I HAD to; rather, I did these things as a courtesy. But if I had said "too bad", I think that would've been within my rights... it just isn't my style.

Self-censorship sucks. It sucks a lot. But sometimes it's the best way to handle sensitive situations, so I'm willing to put up with it.

But that's why I'm semi-anonymous. I don't WANT to have to censor myself. If I keep my little corner of the net hidden JUST ENOUGH, then I won't have to.

All of this went down yesterday, and I had a very serious moment of "maybe I should stop blogging" or "maybe I should make this blog private". But I don't want to do either. I know that as soon as someone's blog goes private and stops showing up on my Google Reader, I forget about it. And I'd hate to be forgotten about.

When I started this blog, I said I was writing it for me. On some level, I still am. But I'm also blogging because having people read, relate, advise, and empathize makes me feel connected to the universe on days when I feel so very alone. It makes me feel heard, understood, and loved. It reminds me that the world is bigger than the small circle I exist within.

I know that blogging is dangerous when you're as open and honest of a person as I am. I deleted my high school diary-x because of that, actually. A bunch of my friends had them, and some tensions and altercations arose as a result of all the public venting.

My college diary-x was successfully anonymous for years, before the site crashed... but that was back before blogging became what it is to me now. Back when all that existed for me seemed like angsty high school whatnot, and people used to write what they ate for lunch.

I loathe the chemicals churning in my stomach as I write this. I wish this were a non-issue... I hate that I feel suddenly guilty for participating in something that has given me so much joy and release. I wish people understood what it's meant to be. But I suppose the only way to really, truly understand what it is to be a blogger is to do it yourself.

I wonder if things will be weird tomorrow when I see the person who read my blog. They will be a little, I suppose. There's a certain level of vulnerability on my part now. I feel a little exposed.

I think he understood that, actually. He offered up his high school LiveJournal for my perusal. It was a sweet gesture. I'm not sure that I'll actually read it, but it was lovely of him to make himself a little vulnerable as well. It evens things out somehow.

I wonder if either of them is reading this. *shyly waves*

I hope they're not judging my ability to write. If anyone were ever to attempt to gauge my intelligence level based on the senseless whining that this is filled with... Yikes. I wouldn't want to see the ramifications of that evaluation. I'd be handled with "kid-gloves" for the rest of my days.

I have to stop thinking about this. If they want to read it, they're going to read it. If they don't, they won't. If they want me to not write about them, I won't. But that doesn't mean that I have to stop writing altogether. Indeed, I'm not sure I could.

Sometimes I wish I were a fully anonymous blogger. I wish I'd had the foresight to have a screen name like Deutlich or Princess Pointful. It wouldn't have hurt anything.

But I guess complete anonymity doesn't suit me. I'm open. I'm honest. I'm a performer. Not to share my identity to some extent, as exhibitionistic as it may seem, would have limited me too much. I have to be who I am and write what I feel. And I guess I'll just deal with the consequences of the risks that I take while doing exactly that.


May you be as faceless and nameless as you need to be.

~A~

I Think I'm Gonna Like It Here

(My roommates and me)

I just finished my 6th week of classes, which I can't believe. The semester is only 15 weeks long. It's insane that we've already gotten this far.

I was officially taken off vocal rest on Wednesday, and I'm thrilled. It's good to be back.

I feel a little less friendless than I did before. I don't feel alienated. I don't feel alone. I feel like things are beginning to fall into place.

I have wonderful roommates. Over the years, I've lived with 10 different people, and I think this is the best roommate situation I've ever had. They're lovely people who take an interest in what I'm doing, but have their own lives. They've been supportive listeners, and great advisers. I'm glad to have them around.

My class started to feel like an ensemble this week. Our Movement professor didn't show up for class one day (it turned out to be the result of a minor accident... she was fine, but shaken up. She didn't arrive until 80 minutes into an 85 minute class). We adjusted by leading class on our own as a collective. We did everything we've been working on, and were able to agree on things as a group. It finally felt like everyone was working towards a common goal. When we were in the middle of a flocking exercise (which involves the group moving as one, with leadership evolving as it goes), I felt an incredible sense of synergy. I have nothing that I can compare it to, as I'm not sure I've ever gotten to this point with a group of people before. It was awe-inspiring.

I had a few hours of great bonding time with D-Train last week. We started at a library, moved on to a grocery store, and ended up hanging out at his place. I found out that he's as big of a Shakespeare geek as I am (he created his own cut of Hamlet for fun). I came home and felt like I finally had a real friend.

D-Train and I are comfortable enough with each other now that we were *ALMOST* the people who broke "the make-out taboo" in class yesterday (it apparently always takes a while for the first kiss to occur in scene-work, but once it happens, then it's no longer weird for anyone). After the scene had been over for a good 10 minutes, he leaned over to me and said, "I'm still a little in love with you right now. I think the scene worked." It was great that we were able to bring the connection that we have in real life into our acting. I can't wait to get to that comfort-level with everyone in my class. Our ensemble work will improve exponentially once we achieve that, I think.

The classmate who doesn't like my hugs and I are now on better ground. He's hugged me at least three times in the last week. And he gave me his extra yoga mat so that I can have one at home and one at school (it's hard for me to remember to cart mine -- which Renee gave me -- back and forth, and we're supposed to be doing work with it every night).

The awkward period is over after the "how do you think I feel about you" exercise I had with Killer. He and I stayed after class yesterday and had a really great conversation. He played me the song that he's going to sing for our musical theatre workshop, and it's the PERFECT choice for what we're doing. If I were a guy, I might've chosen the same one. He reads my grad school blog (now with a shiny new dot-com!), so he knew the songs I was considering and gave me some great insight.

I'm so glad that he's around. You have no idea how great it is to have someone in class who laughs when I say the word "frak", understands my love of Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, can discuss Pushing Daisies, AND has some of the same speech idiosyncrasies that I have. I'm starting to wonder if he's the male version of me.

Two-Shots-Up, D-Train, and I all really dig the song "American Boy" by Estelle ft. Kanye West, and we sing it before Acting class several times a week. Two-Shots-Up likes doing the verses, I like the chorus, and D-Train likes the rap parts. It's like Jack Sprat and his two wives.

Now, all that said, my socialization still isn't what I'd like it to be. I'm not the person that people think to call when things are going on. I find out about most gatherings after the fact. I actually not-so-subtly tried to get people to invite me along to something last night, and was ignored. I see pictures on facebook of people getting together without me. Three of my classmates when to Disney World together last weekend.

I just... I wish I knew how to be the girl that you didn't want to do things without. I want to be the sort of person that makes everything more fun. I want to be included. And I don't want to sit in front of a computer wondering what fun things everyone else is doing.

I decided if that a good way to be included was to start doing some of the planning myself. So today, I invited all my classmates to come over to my place tomorrow to read a play together for class. The way I see it, plays are meant to be heard, not read. And since we have a big group of actors, we should take advantage of that. So far, only one has responded, but I'm hoping to get few people together so that their will be less doubling of roles.

I think it's all going to work out.


May you find common ground with those around you,

~A~


P.S. Yes, the title is a reference to the musical Annie. What can I say, I'm a musical theatre geek at heart.