Woes in a Hurricane

Everything negative is raining down on me at once, and I'm drowning in the flood.

I need to vent, so I'll do it in list format.

- The Filmmaker dumped me. (SIDE NOTE: I am now rehearsing a play called "The Filmmaker's Mystery". And God is giggling.)
- The Filmmaker called me, post-dumping me, to verbally abuse me. And, because I have a history of abuse and always fall back into the spot of being the victim despite how many times I reassure myself that I'm never going to let it happen again, I let him attack me. I let him. I thought it was me doing something nice for him. I LET IT HAPPEN. Which just makes it MY fault, and makes me feel even worse. - My brother had swine flu. (He's fine now, but it's just one more thing on the list of badness).
- I got bad casting for my season. Which I'm actually okay with... But I'm not okay with not knowing WHY. My auditions and callbacks went well. I've had nothing but positive feedback. Did they plan the season and forget about me? Did I do something to offend someone? What went wrong?
- The thing that my professors wanted me to work on above all else this year? Confidence. (Yeah, really easy to do that when you show so much faith in me).
- My 1st-year acting professor said that he hasn't seen "me" in any of the work he's seen me do this year, and implied that I'd forgotten everything I learned last year in his class, and that he's disappointed in me.
- A classmate of mine who got good casting (actually, unfairly good) insensitively said to me (TO ME!), "Not everyone deserves a lead." (And THIS is the kind of person who is getting REWARDED??? I wrote a very angry poem to her and was going to perform it at an open mic night, but then my roommates said that I shouldn't because it was too harsh and everyone from my school would know who I was talking about.)
- Same classmate tried to tell me today that she thinks ADHD is misdiagnosed in children, and that I should really just add more protein to my diet. WHY DO PEOPLE TRY TO INVALIDATE MY F***ING DISORDER??? I was NOT misdiagnosed! I wasn't even diagnosed as a CHILD! I wasn't medicated until I was 18 YEARS OLD. WHO THE F*** ARE YOU TO TELL ME HOW MY BRAIN WORKS???
- The only guy who has shown any interest in me since my break-up? A pothead who was in the army for 8 years (Why do I attract military men?) who has worse social anxiety than I do. No thank you.
- I overdrafted my checking account twice last week.
- My car insurance company took away one of my discounts because my paperwork didn't go through properly and now says I owe them an additional $60.
- My beloved laptop (and best friend -- and I mean that in a non-ironic way) Lady MacBook died yesterday. I got her on October 3rd, 2006, and I was told I had 3 years worth of AppleCare coverage... but for some reason, Apple says that it expired on September 27th. They think the hard drive is gone, and apparently I have a "warped battery". And if everything that they think is wrong ends up actually being wrong, then I don't have the money to fix her.
- I keep having blindingly bad pain in my stomach, and no one can tell me WHY. Today, it was so bad that I think I literally BLACKED OUT from pain in the middle of class. When it started to subside, I was shaking, light-headed, and tears were streaming down my face, and four of my classmates had their hands on me, trying to help or calm me down or something. I JUST WANT IT TO GO AWAY!!! Or, at the very least, I WANT TO KNOW WHY IT'S HAPPENING!!!

I think that's a pretty solid list of BAD STUFF ALL HAPPENING AT ONCE.

And there are more things. Some that seem lesser. Like the fact that the karaoke bar I used to go to now has new people running the karaoke, who arrange their (terrible) collection BY SONG TITLE instead of by artist.

Or that the classmate that I used to go out dancing/karaoke-ing with on Sunday nights has now picked up a Sunday night shift working as a bartender, so I haven't been able to do the things that make me forget a bad week (and I can't go alone because of my social anxiety).

Or that I had such great plans for my Golden 25th birthday next month (wear a gold dress and karaoke to "What's Up" by 4 Non-Blondes because of the line "25 years and my life is still/trying to get up that great big hill of hope/towards a destination", and also a Katy Perry song since she and I have the same birthday in the same year), but they all have to be cancelled because my birthday falls on tech weekend for the play I'm in... Which means both the day before my birthday and my birthday itself, I will be in rehearsals from noon to midnight. And I can't throw a party post-midnight, because my roommate has to sleep before her matinee at 10:30am the next morning.

It all just sucks.

I've started going to church regularly. I keep praying that things will suddenly get better. But I just feel so unsatisfied by life right now.

I like to think that everything happens for a reason, but right now, it's really hard to see the reasons.

Please, if you have any compliments for me, I'd like to fish for them right now. I could use some.

~A~

Baby Angela, Part 2

Regarding the Break Up

I couldn't deal with it. I didn't have time. So I shoved it aside.

He broke up with me.

And he wasn't wrong to.

I'm not what he wanted. I'm not willing to be engaged-to-be-engaged. I'm not willing to make plans for two years from now that include him.

He called me a few days later and just verbally abused me for like an hour. He wants closure, I think. Or he wants to get back together, but he wants me to change first.

He thinks I prioritize my life in an unhealthy fashion. He wants to help.

I told him no thank you, I'm fine, I'm not broken, I don't need your help.

He said that, as a Christian, I should know better than to be prideful and think that I'm perfect and that no one can help me.

I said that even if I did need help, he is NOT the person that can help me.

I said I needed at least a week. A week without talking to him. I needed distance first.

He e-mailed me the next day, apologizing for driving me away and weakening our relationship. He said he hates himself.

I didn't respond. It felt cold and heartless, but I said I needed that week, and I was sure going to take it.

But then I had auditions. And I didn't deal with my emotions. And because I didn't give my emotions the respect that they deserve, now I can't control them. I'm cool, calm, happy, and fine most of the time, and then suddenly I'm angry with everyone or about to cry.

Today is a week. I should call him today. I said I would.

My friends have forbidden me from doing so. They think it's unhealthy. They think I need to take care of myself first.

They don't care that he's depressed, or that this is the worst his life has ever been, or that he blames himself, or that I still care deeply about him and still can't entirely believe that he broke up with me.

So it's 7:30pm and I haven't called him. Maybe I won't. Maybe I shouldn't.

Maybe I'll write him an e-mail.

Or maybe I'll just keep away from him until I figure me out first.


May you give your emotions the respect they reserve.

~A~

Break Up Math

Break Up = (Tears x Pool of Emotions) + Stress Stomachache + (Bowl of Chicken Fried Rice x 3) + (Brownie x 2) + Buying Something Pretty + (Washing Face x 3) + Pretending to Be Normal - Boyfriend

Goodbye, Filmmaker. I'm going to miss you.

May you know when things aren't adding up right. And may the math usually work out in your favor.

~A~

9-11

I remember.

~A~

Baby Angela, Part 1

Undeserved Blogiversary

I almost feel like I shouldn't celebrate this blogiversary.

Why? Because my blog is basically dying. I have my grad school blog. I have my new somewhat-pro-blogging endeavor (see grad school blog for link and details). I have my random-stuff-I-find-on-the-internet blog (which I've had set to daily-auto-update, and has posted a new thing every day since March 1... no idea how long I'm going to be able to keep THAT up, but it's been fun while it's lasted, and the archives ROCK). And this blog?

Well, I feel like I can't use it right now. I have a lot of priorities other than writing. And the thing I really needed to vent about because a guest-post on another blog so that no one could stumble across it (because certain parties have access to it that I wish didn't).

It doesn't quite feel the same these days, does it?

Butm to paraphrase Animal House, this blog has a long history of existence to its author, its readers, and to the community.

So happy 2nd birthday, little blog. Thanks for giving me something to hold on to every time I've needed it most.

And thank you, readers, for making me feel like I'm never really alone.

May you celebrate a little, whether you deserve to or not.

~A~

New Year, New Goals

GOALS FOR MY SECOND YEAR OF GRAD SCHOOL

1. Gain confidence in myself, my work, and my abilities as an artist.

2. Improve my ability to control my emotions during class/rehearsal when I'm stressed out.

3. Stop being afraid of my emotions.

4. Consistently land my lines.

5. Prevent my nerves from affecting me in performances, particularly in higher stress situations such as opening nights and showings.

6. Become more of a leader within my class and within the rehearsal room.

7. Have more strength to back up my passion, so that I will be just as determined of an actor when I graduate as I have been in school.

8. Stop being afraid of doing things wrong.

9. Work on memorization on a regular basis in order to prevent myself from having to try to stay up late the night before I have to do a scene trying to cram words into my head.

10. Do not add negativity into the world of the school.

11. Stop being negative about my physical capabilities.

12. Be more patient when looking for answers, particularly in Movement class.

13. Keep a straight face when things are happening in class that I have problems with.

14. Be open-minded and take all notes I get in class, no matter how vehemently I may disagree with them.

15. Send thank you notes to people when they do nice things for me.

16. Avoid gossiping behind people's backs.

17. Remember that we all made it through an arduous process to get here, and we are all clearly talented, intelligent people. They deserve to be here, and so do I.

18. Don’t let politics within the school get personal. Just because something is going on in class or in rehearsals, doesn’t mean it has to carry over into the rest of life.

19. Don't let things from OUTSIDE of class affect what's going on INSIDE of class.

20. Try to make friends outside of the program.

21. Go out, do something social, and have fun at least once a week.

22. Actually read all of the assigned reading. Don’t just skim it. Occasionally take notes.

23. Budget properly. If having trouble, begin writing down all expenditures.

24. Take all available opportunities to learn new skills.

25. Work on outside projects (such as student films) if they fit into schedule.

26. Take a trip to somewhere outside of town (even if it’s just to the next closest city) at least once a semester.

27. Go to Disney World at least once.

28. Have as close to perfect attendance as is physically possible.

29. Remember how hard it is to get to grad school. Remember how great of a program this is. Be grateful every, every minute.

30. Find something to love about every class and every professor (so that I can focus on those things on the days that classes seriously blow).

31. Swear less. Except in my kitchen, as that seems to be a swearing hellmouth. Replace swear words with exclamations such as “drat”, “shoot”, “freakin’”, “frak” (← it’s a Battlestar Galactica term), and the like when possible.

32. Cut alcohol out of diet (as much as possible).

33. Drink water for mostly everything. Milk, soy milk, and juice can be ingested in moderation. Soda pop is only allowed in bars.

34. Be supportive of classmates, not competitive with them.

35. Avoid getting too negative about myself or my potential.

36. Use days off well, because they’re few and far between.

37. Laugh as much as possible.

38. Write down all homework assignments (because I WILL forget them if I don’t).

39. Remember to step back and take time to breathe.

40. Do whatever it takes to get closer to the goal of becoming a castable, skilled, professional actor.

41. Loosen up.



If you have any other suggestions, by all means send them along.

May you reassess your goals on a regular basis.

~A~