Things I Haven't Told You Yet

I graduated with my MFA in Acting. From here on out, you may choose to call me Master Angela (or Mistress Angela? They never explained that) if you wish. Or you may choose not to do so. I won't be bothered either way.

I spent ten weeks with Phil this summer. Five in the UK, and five in the USA. We visited his parents. He helped me to pack up my Florida stuff and ship it to Connecticut. We went to Disney World. We visited my parents. We went to NYC, Cape Cod, and Martha's Vineyard. And we had an amazing time.

The best thing we did? Take our stuffed penguin son Hugsy (like the one Joey had on Friends) to the London Zoo. Best day of 2011... so far.

After he left, I was a mess. I started laying on the couch in my pajamas all day watching really questionable reality television. (I have not had a television in four years or cable for five years, so I have a lot of catching up to do... By the way, "Millionaire Matchmaker", "Say Yes to the Dress", and "What Not to Wear" have become my favorites.) It took me about a week of crying and moping before I decided it was time to stop.

In April, I had a showcase in NYC, and some agents were interested in meeting with me. I had meetings with a few people in May. I have a couple more to meet with, but they have proven difficult to track down.

Yes, I am officially living in Connecticut at the moment. A state in which I have very few ties. I am trying to see if I can make connections in NYC. I am also still trying to grab onto a white whale called Italian Citizenship so that I can be in London with Phil.

I got a job. I'm going through barista training at a small, very un-busy coffee shop. On my first day, I learned cappuccino, latte, mocha, cafe au lait, americano, smoothie, iced coffee, frozen coffee, chai, hot chocolate, tea, and various flavors and combos of all the previously listed drinks. It was a very long first day.

I've also been taking inventory for a store that's being liquidated. And I have to tell you, I LOVE that job. I love data work. I know it's weird for a person in a creative profession to like something that most people would find mind-numbing, repetitive, boring, tedious, etc. But I can't help it. I'm fantastic at it, and I thoroughly enjoy it. Sometimes it feels like it's the one thing in my life that I have easily under control.

I decided that I miss blogging. But I didn't know how to start again.

Most days I just feel overwhelmed and somewhat lost. I don't know how to prioritize.

Should I be focused on unpacking the 20+ boxes of stuff I had shipped from Florida? Because if I'm moving again (to NYC, or to London, or to LA, or to the antarctic) then what's the point?

Should I be focused on getting work in NYC? Because I have no plans to be there long term, so what's the point of establishing myself there? And am I wasting time, when I should be finding a way to get to London quicker, like an internship that starts in October?

But if I have an internship in London, then I'm not establishing myself as an actor at all, anywhere, and there are going to be gaps in my résumé when I try to act again.

And since I'm planning to act again in LA, maybe I should just go to LA now and stop worrying about London altogether. Phil will be in LA eventually... But can we really handle the 8 hour time zone difference in the meanwhile?

It's complicated.

Anyway. Hello again, blogging world.

Maybe I'll write you again some time.


May you always know what your next move should be.

~A~

I've Been Meaning to Blog...

But I just don't have the interest these days.

I went and visited Phil. It rocked. I met his friends. I met his parents. I got a lot of good cuddling time in. And he brought so much joy into my world, I can't tell you.

When I got back to the USA, it felt wrong. Home isn't a place anymore; home is a person. I'm home when I'm with Phil.

I've had a cold/cough since December 7th. It just won't quit, even though I've had a Z-pack, two nasal sprays, and have been taking Mucinex-DM. I'm going back to the doctor tomorrow.

I finished out the year of 2010 in a room with 3 people over the age of 65, and 5 gay men I met that night. It should've been lonely. And strange. But it's alright. I celebrated with Phil over Skype at midnight GMT (7pm my time).

2010 was supposed to be The Year of the Crimson Diva. But what 2010 actually became was so much more than that. It was the year when I learned to accept and love myself as I am. And it was the year that I found someone else whom I love.

Maybe 2011 should be The Year When I Learn to Be a Lady. But that seems like too much of an undertaking. So instead it will be the year when I try to pare down on my things... and perhaps the year when I start being more organized.

To be honest, I like being a messy person. It's a lifestyle choice. I feel more in control of my space when I can take over and throw stuff everywhere. I like that.

But Phil is neat and organized. He's somewhat OCD about it. So we're both going to have to learn to compromise. I'm going to learn how to not hate organization. And he's going to have to learn how to deal with things not being in perfect order (because if he lines up the remote controls in a parallel manner, God help me, I may have to strangle him).

I wouldn't change on my own. But I'm going to try to change for him. I guess this must be getting serious.

Oh, who am I kidding. I think you all know this is serious. I love him. And I can't imagine my life without him.

This is the guy. This is it.

Of course, now I have to find a way to be with him.

I'm applying for a job in London that would give me a 6-month internship Visa. It would work out perfectly for my life goals. If you're a praying sort of person, I could use a little back-up on this one.

I'm also applying for Italian citizenship. And applying for a Tier 1 work Visa. And looking into other internships in the UK.

I have to get to him.

But in the meanwhile, he's coming to me.

I'm in rehearsals for a play right now. I have a great role. I'm having fun. It opens on January 21st.

On January 23rd, Phil lands in Florida. He'll be here for 10 days.

On January 28th, my parents land in Florida. They'll be able to see my play AND meet Phil.

It's a big couple of weeks for me. I'm excited. And scared.

And I really need to start cleaning my room.



May what your goals be great, and your accomplishments greater.

~A~

I Can't Handle It

Yesterday, I was looking in the fridge for some leftover pasta that I'd made the night before to eat for lunch. I couldn't find it anywhere. I started emptying parts of the fridge out. No pasta in sight.

And I had a meltdown over it.

I started crying.

And then I realized that it was a stupid thing to cry over.

And I decided to continue crying, because clearly, I needed to cry.

This was transference.

I knew that.

But the tears were still valid.

As it turned out, one of my roommates tossed the pasta while cleaning out her old leftovers, mistaking it for one of hers. (Completely understandable, as I rarely cook anything.)

Not a big deal in the end. I made myself more pasta. It was fine.

But I did have a meltdown.

My mother says I haven't seemed like myself lately. I'm less optimistic than usual. Less bubbly. I'm not really sure why.

- The play I was in just closed, and I'm relieved.

- I'm going to see Phil in a couple of weeks. (As of this posting, I have not been in his presence for 133 days, but I'll be with him again in 18.)

- Phil's work is going super well, and I'm really proud of him (and happy for him).

- I'm about to start work on a show I'm really excited about and have a great role in.

In short, life is good. Phil would quote The Simpsons: "Everything's coming up Millhouse!"

But I'm getting stressed out by little things. And some not so little ones.

Like the student loans that I was given this semester that I didn't want and didn't ask for, and which they won't let me give back. It's frustrating, it angers me, and I feel like it's something I can't deal with right now.

Or the website that I'm supposed to design for my class' showcase in NYC... which I did NOT want to be responsible for, but my classmates unanimously elected me because they think that I understand web design because I have a blog. THOSE ARE NOT RELATED SUBJECTS. I have NO IDEA how to design a website. And I have no budget to hire anyone. And when I've tried to get help from people in the theatre, I keep being met with roadblocks. And I'm super frustrated.

Or the fact that I'm single-handedly dealing with our headshot photographer -- which was not my job -- because I've worked with her before, and the person who was assigned the job of dealing with headshot photographers seems completely content to delegate the job to me. Which would be fine, if I didn't have other things on my plate.

I have to start learning an Italian dialect, which no one else has to learn this season. And I have lost my script for a THIRD time. WHERE DOES IT KEEP GOING???

I have to put away the three loads of laundry that I've done in the last 24 hours. But the last load is sitting in the washer until my roommate takes her stuff out of the dryer. (I'd take it out and put it on top, but it appears that she did that with our other roommate's stuff.)

I have barely blogged for my grad school blog or the theatre blog I "work" for (although they don't pay me, so I shouldn't feel as guilty as I do).

I have to get a hostess gift for Phil's mom before we go stay with them. But I don't know what to get. And I'm desperate to make a good impression, in case she ends up being my mother-in-law.

I have to figure out whether I can get Austrian citizenship or Italian citizenship if this German stuff doesn't work out.

I have to arrange a very complicated endeavor in order to get my winter coat back. The short version: I accidentally left it on a tour bus in France, and it is now in possession of Tour Guide Andrew (who asked me out the week before I met Phil... and whom I avoided going out with). I'm going to need said winter coat in the UK, as it will be December and freezing. But it's too awkward for Phil to have to meet up with Andrew to get my coat... So I'm still trying to figure that out.

I have to buy winter boots. And probably more winter clothing. Living in Florida for the last few years has depleted my stock of warm clothing.

I still have to find scenes for Showcase. Which isn't until April, but I still feel behind.

I have to go to my car insurance company to try to get them to cover some damage that was done to my car by another car in a parking lot when I wasn't around. Don't know how that'll work, but I do think I've met my deductible for the year... So I have to figure it out before year's end.

They still haven't figured out how to solve the I-need-to-understudy-the-Big-Musical-to-get-Equity-weeks-but-I'm-leaving-the-country dilemma. The show has it's first audience on Friday, and I've only attended one rehearsal.

I still have this doctor's bill I haven't paid from months ago, because they keep claiming they're not getting my faxes with my insurance card info. So today I finally photocopied my card and mailed it to them. I hope that works.

I want to get Phil's Christmas present before I go there, so that I can give it to him then and not have to ship it... but I don't know what to give him. I'm the worst present-giver ever. And I had a brilliant idea, but it's out of my student-loan-based price range.

All this stuff is stressing me out. It's not huge. None of it. Except the citizenship stuff.

Oh, by the way... Phil found me on Twitter. So I changed my Twitter name, and will no longer be tweeting when I update my blog. Why? Because as much as I trust him, I don't think it's a good idea for him to read this. I feel like it's jinxed. It hurt Brian. It hurt The Filmmaker. I'd rather not jinx things with Phil. (Even though I do, on occasion, read him my blog posts over Skype.)

I have a very, very, very overdue Blockbuster Express DVD on my coffee table, but I haven't watched it yet (because I haven't been in a Black Snake Moan kind of mood since the day I got it, which was also the day that Lady MacBook freaked out and decided to stop accepting DVDs), so I feel like I shouldn't return it. Whatever. I figure eventually they'll just charge me for it... or they'll go out of business and forget I have it.

I was going to do NaNoWriMo. I even went to a write-up last weekend. But honestly, I just don't want the added stress right now. I'm not mentally healthy enough for NaNoWriMo (although one could make an argument that a sane person wouldn't attempt it in the first place).

I have this mysterious pain in my stomach yet again. My doctor thinks it's related to the birth control she's put me on that's supposed to help control my alleged polycystic ovarian syndrome. She says if the pain isn't completely unbearable, that I should tough it out for a couple of months. It's pretty bad, but I'm going to try to stick it out.

Actually...

Maybe the birth control is what's making me feel out of control.

It would be funny if it weren't so obvious.

May you be able to handle whatever life throws at you.

~A~

P.S. Thank God I'm going to be able to see Phil soon. He's the light at the end of this tunnel.

Tell Me That This Sucks

ARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!

Okay. So.

My school/theatre guarantees that by the time we graduate, we will be eligible to join the Actors' Equity Association (the theatre union). This is an extremely unusual thing for a school to promise, and it is one of the biggest draws to this particular institution.

It's complicated to explain how it works, but basically the way they get you into the union is by having you work on a special contract for the big theatre, for at least 50 weeks. You get some of those weeks your 1st-year (as an understudy) and some as a 3rd-year (as an understudy and as a performer).

But with my class, they've screwed up.

It looks like 8 out of 10 of us aren't going to have enough weeks.

I, personally, am going to end up with 48.

This has occurred because the season started late our 1st year, and is starting even later our 3rd year. Both were unusual cases. And, it seems, this is the first time that our theatre has ever had this come up as an issue.

We only discovered this problem on Friday. We immediately notified the head of the program. He said he'd look into it.

Today I got an e-mail with his solution: we're all going to be understudying the big, Broadway-bound musical that begins rehearsals on Monday.

Normally, this would be awesome. It would be joyous news. I would be happy.

But I'm not.

Why?

Because it's performing all through November and December.

And therefore...

I can't go to London.

I have a non-refundable ticket to see the man that I want to see more desperately than I ever remember wanting to see anyone ever in my life.

And now...

I just found out now. Phil's asleep, so he doesn't know yet.

I want to scream. And cry. And throw things.

WHY?!?!?!

I HAVE to go to London. Seriously. It's what's keeping me going right now. We have a daily countdown. And 42 days (today's number) seems like too long to wait as it is.

This is not my fault. This is the theatre's mistake. And I'm being screwed because of it.

If they had figured it out sooner... If they had TOLD me that I would be understudying this show... If they hadn't gotten my hopes up...

But they failed. And now my heart is aching.

THIS IS SO IMPORTANT TO ME!!!

I CAN'T EVEN WRITE!!!

Please just agree with me. Tell me I'm right. Tell me this sucks. I just need sympathy right now.

May people not put you in painful positions because of their stupidity and general lack of foresight.

~A~

Be Back Soon

(a picture I took of a double-rainbow a couple of weeks ago in CT. )

I went to Florida and moved into the big bedroom of my condo, which is reserved for the 3rd-year student.

Brian came to visit me in Connecticut for a few days.

I went to NYC to visit some friends.

I've been picking up hours at the store I work at whenever I can.

And those are only some of the reasons I haven't blogged.


Part of it is because I'm enjoying living in the present, which makes it hard to blog about the past. I was in Cinque Terre (which will be the next installment of Whirled World) over a month ago.

But, paradoxically, I feel like I can't fill you in on the present until I fill in the gaps of the past...

Curses.

Forgive the delay. But know that I haven't forgotten about you, blogging world. I'll be back. And the story will go on.


~A~

The Countdowns

Fun and frivolous:

- 3 days until I try to sneak in to a reading that Steve Buscemi is doing in town.
- 4 days until I get to see John Landis speak.
- 6 days until the clothing swap.


A little more importantly:

7 days until my Voice showing
9 days until my Acting showing
10 days until my Movement showing


Of the utmost importance:

- 10 days until I'm done with grad school classes (although I'll still have a year in school... but it'll be as an actor more than as a student)
- 14 days until I find out my casting for the coming season.
- 17 days until my final Assessments
- 22 days until I get on a plane for London



I'm not going to worry.
I'm not going to worry.
I'm not going to worry.

I'm going to stay positive.
I'm going to stay positive.
I'm going to stay positive.


May you keep your chin up while you're counting down.

~A~


P.S. I don't have bangs. Or purple hair. Or pink hair. April fools.

New Hair

So technically, I'm not allowed to dye or cut my hair.

Because of the theatre.

No, I'm not kidding.

But I'm not in any shows until October.

And I have a suspicion that they're not casting me in anything.

So I went a little crazy tonight...




Dark red with purple and pink streaks. Oh, and I have bangs.

Bite me, theatre.


Down with the man,

~A~


P.S. APRIL FOOLS!!!

In Case You Were Wondering

- I'm going to Europe on May 5th, and will be there until July 1st.
{NOTE: If you are in Europe during this time and would like to host me for a visit, please let me know (especially if you are in Italy, Ireland, or Spain, which are all places that I'd like to go but have no place to stay). If you want to see me (and not host me) and happen to be in/near the United Kingdom (I'll be predominantly in London), or in Greece, Austria, France, or The Netherlands (all of which are countries I plan to visit), please contact me.}

- I talked to the friend who was putting me in awkward sexual situations. He stopped.

- I have a schoolmate who terrifies me, and who has harassed me in the past. I attempted to talk to the administration at my program about setting up a more clear system for students to report harassment. It's not happening.

- But I did have a complete breakdown in front of one professor, who said I will never again have to work with that classmate in her class.

- I opened a show that I'm very proud of, and that I think I'm doing good work in. My entire class is in it, which is cool. It's a total downer of a play, but the audiences seem to like it. Half of the critics love it, and the other half warn the audience that it's polarizing. I play a nurse with a New York dialect, and a prison matron with a unibrow. I love playing the nurse, but when I talk to audience members, I get more compliments on the matron.

(My entire class and our director in the pale blue shirt, after the opening of our show. 03/03/10)

- I'm on "Spring Break", which means I have no classes, but I'm still performing in six shows a week and rehearsing for another show.

- The show I'm rehearsing for is a student-produced Shakespeare play: King John. I'm playing Eleanor and Salisbury. It's a cut of the play that's rather short (70 minutes, I think). I don't have a massive role, but I'm so geeked to be in it, I can't even tell you.

- I've become friends with the classmate I once called "Alpha". We're doing pretty well right now.

- My phone says I have 13 missed calls last night between 12:35am and 1:55am from a friend. The same friend who used to be suicidal. He called me yesterday in the middle of the day really upset. I tried to call him when I woke up, but he didn't answer. I'm terrified.

- I have a t-shirt I love with a crazy print of some old-timey greyscale women dressed in 1800s clothing painting neon graffiti on a brick wall by the Eiffel tower that says "Paris Loves Hip-Hop". It's fading. I bought three different colors of sparkly fabric glitter glue to resurrect it. It looks awesome, and I'm totally proud of it.

- People keep telling me I look like I've lost weight. My scale keeps telling me I haven't.

- Two of my classmates got engaged on Valentine's Day.

- Those same two classmates are going on a Master Cleanse detox in a couple of weeks, that involves drinking homemade lemonade made from lemon juice, maple syrup, cayenne pepper, and water. Just that. For ten days. I might do it with them. I might be insane.

- I missed church this week, and I'm really bummed about it.

- I was invited to audition for a pre-Broadway run of a new musical. I did pretty well. I don't know if I'll get in or not, but I know that I'm still in the running. And that's awesome. (Please say a prayer for me if you're the praying sort. And if you're not, please send good vibes and cross your fingers.)

- My theatre has a great season next year. It sounds like there are only 4 shows that I have any chance of being in. I've read two of them, and ordered a 3rd. (The 4th is the pre-Broadway run that I'm praying for.)

- I'm terrified that I'm not going to have good casting in next year's season at the theatre. It's happened to many people before me. And frankly, my casting this year isn't great. And that's discouraging.

- My brother just got back together with the girl he'd been dating for awhile, whom I really like. They broke up on Valentine's Day, and got back together exactly one month later. I'm thrilled.

- I'm really good at the General New York dialect. And I'm really good at the Standard British dialect. And I'm really proud of both of those facts. We're doing Irish next, and it's super hard for everyone in my class. I'm going to find a way to be really good at it, I've decided.

- I love Shakespeare slightly less than I used to, just because I'm so very sick of my the way we do the scenes in my acting class... Which is basically that we COMPLETELY RE-BLOCK THEM every time we do them.

- Does that mean that I have senioritis? Or, I guess, second-year-itis? (I have another year left of grad school, but you only have classes your first two years... the third is pretty much just acting in plays)

- I want this dress and this dress (I like them both in "Bluebird", although it does not appear to be at all the same color for the two). I have been stalking both dresses for a long time. But I can't spend that kind of money on a dress. And for some reason, Express hasn't sent me any coupons in the last 3 months, and there don't seem to be any valid coupon codes on Retail Me Not (believe me, I've been trying all of them). I have one coupon, but it's not usable on the internet, and neither dress is in my local Express. This upsets me. And I think about it far more than I should.

- I made February a No-Buy Month. Meaning that I didn't buy stuff. I still bought food and other amenities. But no clothes. Or make-up. Or random junk to fill my room with. It was really, really difficult for me. As it turns out, I'm a way more emotional shopper than I thought I was.

- I'm being harder on myself for Lent this year than I have been in the past. I fasted on Ash Wednesday, and am going meatless on Fridays. I gave up alcohol (which isn't THAT hard for me, but it does suck to not have it on my opening night OR closing night parties for this show, and to not be drinking at all during Spring Break). I have also given up cookies, cake, ice cream, candy, and most other sweets. (I decided that milkshakes are my exception, because I couldn't possibly go without Shamrock Shakes at McDonalds.) And I'm trying to add more positivity into my life, and share it with others. I'm doing pretty well, actually.

- I totally had Seasonal Affected Disorder strike again this year, which I thought would never happen once I moved to Florida. But we had terrible, grey, cloudy, miserable weather for a couple of months, and I realized it coincided with me feeling generally awful about myself and my life. There was a lot of unhappiness and random bouts of crying. But the Shamrock Shakes have helped me through all of that. I'm better now.

- I got into a minor car crash in a parking lot. Which means that I was backing up, and I hit a dairy truck. Yeah. Embarrassing. And my car doesn't look great.

- After over a year of daily posts of random internet whatnot, I've decided to stop holding myself to a daily schedule on Lemon Wacky Hello. But I have one heck of an archive now, if you need some entertainment.

- I miss blogging. But I just don't have the energy.


May you never feel like you have to give up things you love,

~A~

Stories About Whom I've Become

Well, aside from the more bizarre fashion experiments that I've been making as of late (photo here being one of the less bizarre things I've worn... I wore a tutu to a bar last weekend. You know, like ya do), my life hasn't been all that exciting. But I've had a few things happen to me in the past week or so that are aligning themselves in my head tonight. And I wonder what these things say about me. So I thought maybe you could help me out with that...

Am I weak? Am I a pushover? Am I a people-pleaser? Am I a well-intentioned person who goes awry? Am I a fight-picker? Am I a complainer?

Or am I (wouldn't this be a shock) just a normal girl?



Story #1: The Song
In September, I e-mailed several of my male classmates to see if any one of them would like to sing the duet "A Stud and a Babe" from the musical I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change with me at a Late Night (aka a student produced piece of theatre that is usually one-night-only) in February (there is generally a love-themed variety show style late night near Valentine's Day). D-Train e-mailed me back saying, "Why not? I'll do it with you." Needless to say, I was pleased.

He called me yesterday. Some of the 3rd-Year students are putting on a Late Night in a few weeks filled with duets, and one of them asked D-Train to sing "A Stud and a Babe" with her for that. So D-Train called me up, and asked if I still wanted to do it for the Love Late Night...

Now, being that I'm the sort of person that I am, the conversation went like so:

Angela: It's okay. You can do it with her.
D-Train: Really? Because you asked me to do it first.
Angela: No, it's okay. It was just a thought I had.
D-Train: Angela...
Angela: You can do it with her.
D-Train: Tell me how you really feel. You're just being nice right now, aren't you...
Angela: It's fine. We can find another duet for the Love Late Night.
D-Train: No, Angela. Are you just being nice? Or do you really not care.
Angela: Well, I am being nice, but I'm not heartbroken or anything.
D-Train: You asked first. I won't do it with her if you still want to do it.
Angela: I don't even have the sheet music yet. If she wants to do it...
D-Train: I don't think you mean that.
Angela: ...
D-Train: I will do it with you if you want to do it.
Angela: ... Can I think about it?
D-Train: Can you give me an answer tomorrow?
Angela: Okay.

Clearly, D-Train is a good friend. And probably knows me a little better than I know myself, sometimes.

I came home, and just felt weird about it. I don't want to seem like a mean person. I don't want to seem like I'm claiming it out of spite (like, "YOU can't do that song! That's MY song!"). But clearly, I did want to do it. And it wasn't even really about doing it with D-Train (although honestly, I'm really glad that he wanted to do it, because I'd LOVE to do it with him), as I asked several guys to do it with me. It was (at least initially) about the song.

But this other girl... I guess, I don't want her to be disappointed. She doesn't have great casting this year (and mine isn't terrific either, so I know how lousy that makes you feel), and I want her to be able to do something that she wants to do. And so if she wants to do this song, then I want her to do it.

Also, I don't want her to be mad at me. (Because, as I said in the last post, my ultimate goal in most situations is just for everyone to like me).

And also... I don't want her to do the song with someone other than D-Train... and then feel like D-Train and I shouldn't do it at the Love Late Night anyway, because it was just done. (This last point, admittedly, is probably more my overactive imagination at work than anything else.)

I ended up sending D-Train a text message a couple of minutes ago saying that I do still want to do the song with him, if it's not too late to request that... But if she seems heartbroken, I'll yield.


Story #2: The Understudy
There's a rumor going around that next year, the theatre is going to do a production of My Fair Lady (this would be with the big theatre company, which my class will be part of next year, meaning that there's a chance that we might get cast in it).

We already know that none of us will be cast as the female lead, Eliza Doolittle (long story, but we do know that), but there's a possibility that someone in my class might get to understudy it.

As soon as the rumor hit, an Alpha Dog female classmate of mine began loudly and frequently announcing that she would chew off her left arm to be able to understudy Eliza. (Perhaps it's worth mentioning that this is the same classmate who has great casting this year, and who made pretty catty comments to me post-casting implying that we all got what we deserved... and has continued to make comments of questionable tact level since).

So, of course, a couple other female classmates waited until Alpha left the room, and got upset. They, too, would love to understudy the role, and they don't like the way she stakes her claim in things. They think it's some kind of subversive psych-out plan to make them question their abilities. I think they're overreacting, but I was getting a little annoyed at our classmate's sense of entitlement.

At dinner one night, Alpha was going on about how much she wanted the role, and how it was so perfect for her, blah blah blah. She even said that she had e-mailed the head of our program to tell him how badly she wants to be involved in any musical theatre piece that might be slotted for next year's season (the season that won't even get ANNOUNCED until March). And we were sitting with one of the other classmates who had told me that she was interested in the role, and I just watched her quietly sinking into her chair... And I had to say something.

Angela: Well, maybe you're not the only one that wants it.
Alpha: Does someone else want it?
Sinker: (looking intimidated) I don't really want it.
(Note: I was surprised, as Sinker had already said that she wanted it... And had been listening to My Fair Lady like the day before on her iPod)
Angela: What about [other classmate]? She could do it.
Alpha: She could not sing that role. She has a weak voice. Eliza is a JULIE ANDREWS role! It's LERNER AND LOEWE! She has to have a strong voice.
Sinker: Yeah, maybe she couldn't.
(Note: I was shocked at how quickly Sinker has become a yes-man to the Alpha Dog)
Angela: (defiantly) Well, how about me?
Alpha: You couldn't sing that role, could you?
Angela: Oh, couldn't I?
Alpha: Really?
Angela: I have a strong voice. And it's perfect for my range.
Alpha: (suddenly eyeing me like I'm being hunted) I guess you could sing "Wouldn't It Be Loverly?"...
Angela: And "Show Me". And "Just You Wait". I mean, I haven't sung through the entire show or anything... If there's anything I'm not positive about, it would be the last high note in "I Could Have Danced All Night", but I think I could do it.
Alpha: (looking like she wanted to eat my head) Well... I guess we'll wait and see.

Here's the thing: I don't want to understudy Eliza Doolittle. I wouldn't turn it down if it were offered to me, but it's not something that I'm going to dream about or pray for. I want a role in the season far more than I want a big understudy role. And I want to do Shakespeare more than musical theatre.

I guess I just said something because I thought someone needed to. The other girls weren't sticking up for themselves. They were just complaining behind our Alpha's back instead of saying something to her (so she had no idea that anyone else wanted the role or might be upset by her claim on it). So I decided to say what I thought they needed to say.

And afterward, I felt TERRIBLE. There was no need for me to get involved in that fight. And Alpha ALREADY thinks that she and I are rivals, which is not an idea I want to encourage.

I don't know why I did it. Maybe I have a strong sense of justice. But more likely, I think I want people to get along. And somehow, in my head, it seemed like that would help the situation.

And seeing as how Alpha hasn't brought up her fondness for Eliza Doolittle since, maybe it worked.


Story #3
When our Movement Professor went out of town, our class had Tap Workshop. It was four 90-minute classes. So clearly, not enough to make anyone a particularly great tap dancer, but we tried.

I've tapped before (for many years in my childhood), so I did pretty well. I'm not awesome, but I had an advantage over my classmates going into it, so I came out of it feeling more confident than they did.

When our Professor came back, she spent 40 minutes blocking a (easy and lame) tap routine, and said that we would do it as part of our Showing (an open class that people in the community, other students, professors, etc. can attend).

My less confident classmates FREAKED OUT. WHOA. They didn't feel confident in tapping at all. And since it's possible that the Top Banana of the Theatre might show up and judge us based on this hour of dancing that he sees, they really didn't want to do it (which is a valid fear, as Top Banana holds our creative destinies in his hands, and is rarely able to see our work).

They wanted to approach our Movement Professor and tell her that they didn't want to do the tap in the Showing. And I said I would back them. Because I want our class to look strong, confident, and skilled. I don't want our class to be uncomfortable, upset, and terrified. So I said I'd go to the professor and try to talk to her. Seeing as how I was one of the most confident people in the tap, maybe ME saying something would change her mind.

But then I came home. And I realized that I'm actually not nervous about the tap. I'm good at it. It's easy for me. And it might actually be good for me if powerful people see me do things that I'm good at. How had that slipped my mind? How was it possible that I was thinking about what was good for my classmates, and not what was good for me? I doubt that most have them would have done the same for me...

So do I do the selfish thing and support my own creative needs? Or do I support my class?

I decided to do the selfless thing. I went to e-mail my Movement Professor... But I had already gotten an e-mail from her. She wrote to the class saying that the tap dancing would be optional.

So I'm doing it. Only 5 of the 11 of us are. It's going to be me, flanked by four guys. I get to be in the middle, and I get a tap solo at the end (which will, admittedly, be lame, as I'm making it up tonight). Anyway. I'm happy. And so is my class, it seems.


Story #4
Another part of our Movement Showing is going to be Contact Improv. It's improvisational movement with partners, that involves elements of balance, negative space, kinesthetic response, etc. And it's REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY fun.

Lately, I've been getting paired with Killer, with D-Train, and in a trio with two of my female classmates (which my professor began referring to as "The Three Graces").

I love working with Killer, because we're of similar size, and we're both very playful in our work. We end up doing comedic quite consistently (I think we're probably the go-to comedy pair in the class in this work). We often start with a theme in our movement. Like "Flying Juggernauts with Parasails", "Toy Box", or "Growing Up". We've worked enough together that we have a couple of neat moves that we're confident with and try to incorporate into the improvisations.

I also really love working with D-Train. He's a lot taller than I am, and he's gotten quite strong, so he throws me around a lot. But I've gotten stronger as well, so now I can throw him around a bit, too. We often go more into combative improv, although we've had days where we've gone in a more sensual direction. And at least one time, it was just really immature and funny. But however we do it, it's always fun. The last time, we had the theme "Walking the Plank", and it was one of the most fun Contact pieces I've ever done.

And the Graces... Well, it used to be way too slow and pretty for my taste. So one day, we played with the rule that, whenever we ended up frozen, we had to break out of it with attack. And suddenly, it became way more interesting. Having conflict is really vital to keeping the trios alive.

The last time we were doing improv, instead of doing Three Graces, we ended up having all 5 women in the class participating. And we used the theme "The Last Supper". It was CRAZY, and AWESOME. At one point I was Judas. At one point I was Mary Magdalene. At one point I was Jesus. And I'm pretty sure that at the end, I was the table.

Movement Professor asked us to e-mail her our top three preferences for what Contact pieces we wanted to do in the showing. I decided that what I really wanted to do, more than anything else in the showing (more than the tap, ballet, Viewpoints, waltzing, whatever) where my pairings with D-Train and with Killer. I KNEW that she was going to put in my pairing with Killer (because she loves it), so I ranked my pairing with D-Train first, and the one with Killer second. I wrote that I really really really wanted to do those two. And third, I wrote "The Last Supper" group of all 5 women (mostly because she said to write three, not because I had my heart set on it).

Today, she said that she had made up an order of improvs for the Showing, which she had spent over an hour working on, and that she would absolutely not be changing it, so we shouldn't ask.

She put me with Killer (as I knew she would). And she put me with two girls (a group which was NOT the original 3 graces... in fact, the three of us had NEVER worked together before... As a side note, Alpha is one of the New Graces).

I frowned at D-Train from across the circle, and he frowned back. He had been paired with someone that he didn't usually work with. And he was only in two pieces, while most of the guys were in three (and one is in four).

Movement Professor asked if there were any questions. The threesome of girls I'm now in mentioned to her that we'd never worked together before, and she said something vague about, "Well, that's how it had to work out, so that all the girls are in two pieces..." I don't know. It seemed weird to put us in a brand new group the day before the showing, especially since the other two girls in the group are injured, and we haven't worked with each others' bodies enough to work around the injuries yet.

I sat there, saying nothing. Movement Professor looked up and her eyes darted right to me.

Movement Professor: Angela, you look disappointed.
Angela: I'm not.
Movement Professor: I don't understand why you look upset. You can't get everything you requested. There's no time for that.
Angela: I know. I'm not upset.
Movement Professor: And you got your first choice! Oh... no you didn't.
Angela: No, I didn't. But that's okay. It's fine.
(Movement Professor begins intensely messing around on her laptop... speaks about a minute later)
Movement Professor: Okay. [This person] is now going to go with [that person] instead of with [D-Train]. And then Angela and D-Train will go together.
[That Person]: Great!
[This Person]: Okay.

(about 10 minutes pass, and we're in the middle of something else)
Movement Professor: Oh no! But now [this person] is in two back-to-back!
[That Person]: What if we just flipped [this pair] with [that pair]?
Movement Professor: And now Angela's in three!
[Someone else]: What if Angela just weren't in the Graces one?
Movement Professor: (flustered) I had it all figured out last night...
D-Train: You know what? Let's just go back to how it was before.
Angela: It' didn't ask you to change it. It's really okay.
Movement Professor: But you looked really upset. But I was trying to make it even, and I don't want two to have the same energy in a row...
D-Train: [Movement Professor], you've seemed upset ever since we made this change. Let's just not change it.
Movement Professor: But then Angela doesn't get her first choice.
D-Train: Angela's a big girl. She'll be fine.
Angela: I am fine. No problem.


Of course, I was disappointed, but I did NOT try to make a big deal out of it. I NEVER said I was upset. I NEVER asked her to change anything. But she freaked out on me. And then I felt like the entire class was looking at me like I was being greedy/whiny/selfish, when in reality, I hadn't said anything at all.

My pairing with Killer ended up going phenomenally well today. It was one of my favorite outcomes of our times working together.

The New Graces was... well, not great. And they felt it, too. When we got up, we tried to come up with a theme, and our frazzled Movement Professor said, "You're the Three Graces! That IS your theme!" It was too pretty, too slow, and too boring. So Alpha and I sat around trying to come up with another theme (although, surprise surprise, she didn't like most of the things I came up with). Our ideas included "The Three Fates", "Sirens Luring Men to Their Deaths", and "All-Hallows Eve Seance". We haven't talked it over with the third Grace yet. Hopefully, we'll be brilliant tomorrow... but who knows?

I stayed after class to talk with Movement Professor and make sure she knew that I seriously was not upset. She gave me about 8 additional reasons why she had made the schedule the way she had. I told her I was fine. And that I was EXCITED, because I still got to work with Killer, whom I love working with.

I grabbed dinner with D-Train, and we talked. He, too, was disappointed that our pairing was cut. He had forgotten to e-mail his preferences to our Professor, which probably had something to do with it. But in class, he was so frustrated by Movement Professor's frustration that he decided to forfeit it (which was pretty much the same route I had chosen). We vented about the day for awhile.

When I got home, I had an e-mail from Movement Professor, with the schedule for tomorrow. She added back in my pairing with D-Train.

Part of me is, of course, thrilled.

And part of me is worried. What are my classmates going to think? Are they going to think that when I talked to her after class, it was to complain? Will they think I stamped my feet until I got my way? Will they be upset that not only am I doing ballet AND tap AND have a tap solo, but now I'm also the only girl in class who gets to do THREE pieces of contact improv?



So who am I?

It's interesting... It seems that the times I think to blog on this blog now are the times where I really don't know what I'm feeling.

I don't even know why I felt the need to tell these stories. Maybe you can connect the dots for me. What am I trying to prove to you? What do I need you to tell me?


May you know who you are without needing to ask.

~A~


P.S. I'm not sure if the title of this post is supposed to grammatically be "who" or "whom". If I've guessed wrong, please correct me in the comments section.

P.P.S. Am I a blogger you wished blogged more often? Think of me at the 20SB awards.

I'm Golden

I came all the way from 1984 to say this:

Happy birthday to me.

I mentioned on another of the blogs I write (are you keeping up? I didn't think so) that today is my birthday. My 25th. The Golden Birthday that I share with Katy Perry. *waves to birthday twin*

Now, I had been planning this particular birthday for years. Literally. Years. Back in 2005, back when I was still terrified of karaoke, a girl sang "What's Up?" by 4-Non-Blondes at a karaoke bar, and I knew I wanted to sing it on my 25th birthday (because the opening lyric references being twenty-five). And then a year ago, when I was doing karaoke regularly on Sunday nights, I realized that my 25th birthday would fall on a Sunday, and I knew, I KNEW, that I had to follow through on that dream.

(Side note: on the eve of my 24th birthday last year, I sang "What's My Age Again" at karaoke, just for the line "Nobody likes you when you're twenty-three").

What I didn't know was that I would be in rehearsal all freaking day. From noon to midnight, at least (with a break for dinner, but still). And that even if I went out to karaoke on my birthday, no one else would have the will or energy to go with me. I also didn't know that my roommate would have a matinee tomorrow morning and needs her beauty sleep, so I can't throw myself a party post-rehearsal.

For the record, if today had been my ideal 25th-golden birthday, I would've shown up to karaoke in a gold dress, sang "What's Up?" and a Katy Perry song (in honor of my twin... probably "(I Do Not) Hook Up" if they had it, as it applies to my life rather nicely at the moment... but since I doubt they'd have that at karaoke, perhaps "Ur So Gay", "I Kissed a Girl", or "Hot n Cold"). I would've gone to Disney World (as it's only two hours away and in 2009 they had a special thing where you could get in free on your birthday). I would've ordered the really delicious champagne I had when Jenn hosted a wine-tasting party last year, and would've had several bottles on hand in my kitchen, ready to serve.

But life isn't like perfect.

So it's 2:00am right now, and it's my birthday. I got home from rehearsal at 12:45am, loaded the dishwasher, e-mailed my mother (wishing her a happy anniversary of surviving labor), and decided that, gosh-darn it, I wanted to sing "What's Up?"

I made you all a video. I'm tired. I still have half of my make-up on from our dress run of Mystery Plays. My hair is still up in the style that it will be for my (probably lesbian) lawyer character from Act II. I'm wearing a yellow t-shirt that says, "I can't... I have rehearsal" (which I thought was particularly appropriate. I look completely terrible, horrible, no good, very bad. And I had to sing really quietly a cappella, as my thinly-walled condo contains two sleeping roommates (who might forgive me for waking them up, since it's my birthday and neither of them have anything to do tomorrow, but I'd rather not disturb if I can avoid it).

Enjoy.

What's Up? By Angela from Angela Boration on Vimeo.

(ETA: The video does not appear to be working. Will try again later.)

25 of the Lessons I've Learned:

1. It's hard to accomplish anything without setting goals first.

2. Some people are never going to like me, no matter how much I try to win them over.

3. The best part about being single is the freedom to flirt.

4. It's important to give emotions the respect that they deserve. Otherwise, they will find a really inconvenient time to show up, take over, and take their revenge.

5. The best way to bond with someone is just to listen.

6. Part of wanting someone is knowing that they want you. But if that's the predominant reason you want them, then there's a problem.

7. Life is greatly improved by knowing how to take joy in small things.

8. The most stressful, strange, and scary things that we survive in life are usually the ones that make the best stories later on.

9. Feeding your passions is always a worthwhile endeavor.

10. Lying to yourself rarely gets you anywhere.

11. Movies are often better the second or third time you watch them. But books are almost always best the first time you read them.

12. It's okay to be wrong sometimes.

13. Just because a day (a week, a month, a year) isn't particularly good, doesn't mean it has to be bad.

14. There is not just one right path in life. It's not a maze that you have to escape without hitting a dead end. You have to just try to choose whatever roads are going to have the most interesting scenery and hope for the best.

15. Supporting your competitors often gets you farther than fighting against them. And it's usually a more positive way to go about things.

16. Being genuine is always going to get you further than trying to emulate someone else. True in life, truer in theatre.

17. Making a decision, even if you're not sure it's the right one, is usually better than not deciding and waiting for someone/something else to decide for you.

18. Obey laws (unless they're stupid). Try to do things that you think God would approve of (whichever God you believe in, if at all). Avoid getting fired or kicked out of school. Beyond those, the only rules that you should abide by are the ones you make for yourself.

19. Don't tell people more than you want them to know. It's okay to keep some things private.

20. If you want something to be private, don't put it on the internet.

21. Without change, life is boring.

22. Having good manners will never hurt you.

23. Taking out loans when you need them does not make you a weak person.

24. The hardest skill to acquire is ease.

25. Over-thinking is underrated.



Those are mostly for me, but if you get anything out of them, then that's cool, too.


May you never stop learning.

~A~


P.S. Two of the tech students are throwing me a birthday party tomorrow after tech. And the stage manager induced a round of "Happy Birthday to You" at midnight tonight. And my roommates are taking me out for dinner tomorrow. So don't feel too badly for me.

Woes in a Hurricane

Everything negative is raining down on me at once, and I'm drowning in the flood.

I need to vent, so I'll do it in list format.

- The Filmmaker dumped me. (SIDE NOTE: I am now rehearsing a play called "The Filmmaker's Mystery". And God is giggling.)
- The Filmmaker called me, post-dumping me, to verbally abuse me. And, because I have a history of abuse and always fall back into the spot of being the victim despite how many times I reassure myself that I'm never going to let it happen again, I let him attack me. I let him. I thought it was me doing something nice for him. I LET IT HAPPEN. Which just makes it MY fault, and makes me feel even worse. - My brother had swine flu. (He's fine now, but it's just one more thing on the list of badness).
- I got bad casting for my season. Which I'm actually okay with... But I'm not okay with not knowing WHY. My auditions and callbacks went well. I've had nothing but positive feedback. Did they plan the season and forget about me? Did I do something to offend someone? What went wrong?
- The thing that my professors wanted me to work on above all else this year? Confidence. (Yeah, really easy to do that when you show so much faith in me).
- My 1st-year acting professor said that he hasn't seen "me" in any of the work he's seen me do this year, and implied that I'd forgotten everything I learned last year in his class, and that he's disappointed in me.
- A classmate of mine who got good casting (actually, unfairly good) insensitively said to me (TO ME!), "Not everyone deserves a lead." (And THIS is the kind of person who is getting REWARDED??? I wrote a very angry poem to her and was going to perform it at an open mic night, but then my roommates said that I shouldn't because it was too harsh and everyone from my school would know who I was talking about.)
- Same classmate tried to tell me today that she thinks ADHD is misdiagnosed in children, and that I should really just add more protein to my diet. WHY DO PEOPLE TRY TO INVALIDATE MY F***ING DISORDER??? I was NOT misdiagnosed! I wasn't even diagnosed as a CHILD! I wasn't medicated until I was 18 YEARS OLD. WHO THE F*** ARE YOU TO TELL ME HOW MY BRAIN WORKS???
- The only guy who has shown any interest in me since my break-up? A pothead who was in the army for 8 years (Why do I attract military men?) who has worse social anxiety than I do. No thank you.
- I overdrafted my checking account twice last week.
- My car insurance company took away one of my discounts because my paperwork didn't go through properly and now says I owe them an additional $60.
- My beloved laptop (and best friend -- and I mean that in a non-ironic way) Lady MacBook died yesterday. I got her on October 3rd, 2006, and I was told I had 3 years worth of AppleCare coverage... but for some reason, Apple says that it expired on September 27th. They think the hard drive is gone, and apparently I have a "warped battery". And if everything that they think is wrong ends up actually being wrong, then I don't have the money to fix her.
- I keep having blindingly bad pain in my stomach, and no one can tell me WHY. Today, it was so bad that I think I literally BLACKED OUT from pain in the middle of class. When it started to subside, I was shaking, light-headed, and tears were streaming down my face, and four of my classmates had their hands on me, trying to help or calm me down or something. I JUST WANT IT TO GO AWAY!!! Or, at the very least, I WANT TO KNOW WHY IT'S HAPPENING!!!

I think that's a pretty solid list of BAD STUFF ALL HAPPENING AT ONCE.

And there are more things. Some that seem lesser. Like the fact that the karaoke bar I used to go to now has new people running the karaoke, who arrange their (terrible) collection BY SONG TITLE instead of by artist.

Or that the classmate that I used to go out dancing/karaoke-ing with on Sunday nights has now picked up a Sunday night shift working as a bartender, so I haven't been able to do the things that make me forget a bad week (and I can't go alone because of my social anxiety).

Or that I had such great plans for my Golden 25th birthday next month (wear a gold dress and karaoke to "What's Up" by 4 Non-Blondes because of the line "25 years and my life is still/trying to get up that great big hill of hope/towards a destination", and also a Katy Perry song since she and I have the same birthday in the same year), but they all have to be cancelled because my birthday falls on tech weekend for the play I'm in... Which means both the day before my birthday and my birthday itself, I will be in rehearsals from noon to midnight. And I can't throw a party post-midnight, because my roommate has to sleep before her matinee at 10:30am the next morning.

It all just sucks.

I've started going to church regularly. I keep praying that things will suddenly get better. But I just feel so unsatisfied by life right now.

I like to think that everything happens for a reason, but right now, it's really hard to see the reasons.

Please, if you have any compliments for me, I'd like to fish for them right now. I could use some.

~A~

Summery Summary

For once in my life, I feel like being terse tonight. But knowing me, that's not possible... I'll address one thing at a time, and distract you with lots of pictures in between.



As it turns out, I really like my job. I'm in charge of a database. I'm a pretty good salesperson. I get to wear pretty jewelry everyday. I get a great discount. My boss is awesome.



The store I work for opened 3 weeks ago, but is having its grand opening party the night that I leave (I'm leaving at 6am; the party is at 7pm). It was supposed to be last week, but got postponed. Part of me is sad to be missing it. But most of me is relieved to be away from the chaos.



My lovely Filmmaker Daniel came out to visit for a week. I took a few days off from work. We spent one day in NYC. I loved having him here, even though it was brief.



My boyfriend loves taking pictures of me. Perhaps even more than I used to love taking them of myself. (Oh, remember those days of me taking pictures of myself with Lady Macbook before every blog post? Seems like another lifetime). And because of his film skills, he's a much better photographer than I am.



My stomach pains were practically non-existent for a month, but returned full-force three days ago. I'm going to see a gastroenterologist tomorrow. I hope that I'll figure out exactly what's wrong before school starts again.



I saved $430 on car insurance by switching to State Farm, and I'm actually going to be getting BETTER coverage than with my no-one-has-ever-heard-of-it company. Geico would've saved me another $200, but the coverage was terrible.



My roommate has informed me that when I return to Florida, my broken (insured) car will be waiting for me. Apparently, it won't start. She thinks it's the alternator or the battery. Luckily, I had the foresight to purchase some sort of extended warranty, so the place where I bought it (used) will do all the repairs I need for the next three years. So at least that.



I'm not back in Florida yet, but a couple of my classmates are already driving me nuts. And they don't know it.



I'm not back in Florida yet, but I already feel stressed out. This is going to be the hardest year of schooling I've ever had. And I might be blogging professionally on that other unnamed blog while I do it? And keeping up my grad school blog?... In case you hadn't deduced, don't be shocked if you don't hear from me much over here at AngElaboration... But I suppose you're used to that by now.



I really love pretty things. Like jewelry. And dresses. And nail polish. Sometimes, being a girl is awesome.



At one point in the summer, I gave up biting my nails. Again. They got really long, actually. But then when Daniel came I chewed them all off again. I don't know why. Habits are hard to break, I suppose.



I was laughing so hard at one point when I saw the movie The Hangover that I couldn't breathe.



I lost weight this summer. Then I somehow gained it all back in the one week that my boyfriend was in town (I think it had something to do with the fact that he eats SO MUCH, and I end up eating more without realizing it when he's around). I'm starting to lose it again. Because the day that I hit my goal weight a few weeks ago? It was such a very, very happy day. I hadn't seen that number in years. And it was nice. Because for a normal girl, size 4/6 is skinny; for an actress, it's pushing it.



I really love working. Being idle isn't a good fit for me. I like to be busy. I like it when people are depending on me. I like succeeding. I hope that all of that makes me a good candidate to be a professional actor.



I apparently have had the wrong (VERY WRONG) glasses prescription for an entire year. As in, the last doctor I saw wrote in my astigmatism like 90 degrees off from the way it should be. I just got new glasses and contacts, and I can see. It's a miracle. (I, sadly, did not end up with the awesome glasses pictured below, as I decided that they were impractical.)



I bought so many postcards this summer that I never wrote out. And the one that I did write out? I never sent.



I bought a glass ball necklace on etsy that I'm madly in love with, but I don't know a good way to transport it to Florida with me. I might just wear it on the plane and hope for the best.



Sometimes, it's fun to just be childlike again. I wish that life were always pretty and carefree. There's a delightful lightness about the way we play as children. I want to find a way to incorporate it into life as an adult.



My 25th birthday is coming up. On October 25th. So for my golden birthday, I've decided to start shopping for a gold dress. My birthday falls on a Sunday night, which will be during tech week of a show I'm doing. But, luckily, I'll have Monday off. So that means it'll be a karaoke night. Which is good, because I decided back when I was 21 that on my 25th birthday I would sing "What's Up?" by 4 Non-Blondes. Why? Because the first line is: "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope, towards a destination. With a little luck, Daniel might be able to come out for the occasion.



For Halloween (the week after my birthday), Daniel might then still be in town. He wants to do the whole matching Halloween costume thing with me, which I've never been into. I like it being more of a solo event, costume-wise. And I just keep thinking about my ex who always wanted to go with me as Gomez & Morticia... I love me some Addams Family (especially the movie Addams Family Values, which is a masterpiece... the production design and the lighting design in that movie are unreal kinds of good, and the writing is brill), but that's just way too typical of a costume for me. I need something a little more unusual. A little more creative. A little more... me.



Originally, I thought about being Lady GaGa, but I think that's going to be THE costume this year. I thought of Katy Perry (my birthday-mate, who will probably also be wearing a golden dress this year), but I don't think people would really get it (because not everyone spends as much time reading Go Fug Yourself as I do). So I'm at a loss.



There's one thing that's weighing heavily on my psyche, but as usual, it feels like something I shouldn't blog about. But if anyone out there is interested in having an anonymous guest blogging one of these days, shout in my direction.





May you let your cares fly like dandelion seeds on the wind.

~A~



P.S.

Chicago-less

Can I just take a second to say how sad I am that I can't be at the 20sb meet-up this weekend? Because I am. Particularly because it's in my old stomping ground of Chicago, Illinois. *sigh*

Instead, this weekend I will be playing a role in a movie.

It's a graduate student film being directed by the other film student I bonded with in February (mentioned briefly here), who happens to be very good friends with my boyfriend.

I auditioned for the role in March, and the director/writer has been sort of tailoring it to my skill-set since then.

So I'm excited. I know this is going to be good for my résumé, and I can start a reel (which is like a video résumé for performing artists)...

But I'm still a little sad.

Think of me once or twice during the festivities, okay?

Thanks.


May you have good reasons to pass on great things.

~A~

F*** My... Nevermind

(A little bit of art that I made a long time ago)

I created my very first ever F*** My Life on 06/09/2009.

#2744716
Today, my temp agency sent me out for an interview for a great job. The interviewer and I hit it off. She asked if I could start later today. She said she'd call after making up a contract. She didn't call. My temp agency called to tell me the interviewer was fired right after my interview. FML

As of right now, 34,513 people agreed that my life is f***ed. 793 dissenters inexplicably voted "You Deserved That One" (which, based on the comments, may because they inferred from the phrase "hit it off" that I was "hitting on" my interviewer... a 60y.o. woman. Of course, they don't know that she was, because there's a character limit for FML submissions... But whatever...). Not a bad ratio, and clearly a successful submission, I'd say.

As it turns out, my life is not actually f***ed at all, but I'll tell you the whole story.

I was in a lot of pain and in bed for like a week (as you might remember from my last post, if you were brave enough to read it). On Monday, I was in bed all day, but I knew that I needed to trot over to my temp agency with my birth certificate so that they could legally send me out for some money-making. So I threw on some professional-ish clothes, popped an additional 800mgs of Ibuprofen, and put on my best "health and not in pain" face, and pranced in about 15 minutes before they closed for the day. And as I was leaving, the guy I report to said...

GUY: Wait! Did you say you wanted Full Time?
ME: I'd prefer full-time, but I'll take anything. Right now I just want a job. Any job.
GUY: Did I tell you about the jewelry store?
ME: I don't think so.
(i.e. no, he definitely did not)
GUY: Do you have any experience with jewelry? Do you like jewelry?
ME: I have experience with retail.
(i.e. I worked at a store run by crazy Asian people whom I affectionately referred to as "The Crasians" who paid me under the table and kept "forgetting" to put me on the schedule after I was trained, but gave me the employee discount for like a year even though I think I worked there about 3 days total.)
GUY: That's good.
ME: And I wear a lot of jewelry.
(i.e. I spend like $30 a month that I shouldn't be spending on kitschy stuff from Etsy)
GUY: They're just starting and I know they need one or two people. We've already sent a couple, but let me give them a call. Maybe I can set you up an interview.

I got home about 15 minutes later, and the phone was literally ringing as I walked through the door. I had an interview the next morning at 9:00am. Hot dog! This temp agency of mine? Pretty stellar, I have to say. A long term temp interview that fast is insane.

So prayed that I wouldn't be in pain the next day, took my ibuprofen ("Vitamin I"), and I went in for my interview.

I met my interviewer (let's call her "Sharon") at the local Bagel King (yes, it's called a Bagel King). She was about 10 minutes late, and I had been 10 minutes early, so I spent 20 minutes sitting there, not ordering anything, and feeling like a jerk (right before I went, my mother had said never, NEVER eat or drink anything during an interview, even if they offer to buy you something).

I was nervous, but it went well. Sharon was nice, loud, and seemed pretty nutty (just the kind of person who loves me). She took me to meet her boss. She took me to the main office. She took me to the business office to meet the other employees (let's call them Dina and Alana). She sat me down with Dina, who then started explaining to me the entire database system. It was very straightforward (and far simpler than the database that I worked on at my "real job" in Chicago). I said that it was no problem at all for me.

The job, Sharon said, would start with the database work before the store opened, and then they'd transition me into sales. She said she was ready to hire me right then and there, but she wanted to check it over with her boss and my temp agency, and figure out some contractual things. She asked if I could start working later that day. I said absolutely. She was thrilled. She said she'd call as soon as everything was taken care of, and it shouldn't take more than a couple of hours.

So I went back home and called Guy from my temp agency.

ME: I think I'm a great fit for them. Sharon even asked if I could start today.
GUY: That's great. She just called me and said the same thing. I'll call you back as soon as I hear from her.

So I crawled back into bed, feeling like everything was going my way.

But my phone didn't ring. I waited. I waited. I began to worry, but I knew that the interview had gone well, so I told myself it was probably just because they were busy.

Then, Guy from my temp agency called around 4:00pm.

GUY: Hey Angela. I wanted to let you know, Sharon has just been terminated.
ME: Terminated?
GUY: Yeah. I kind of thought it was coming, but I didn't know it would be this soon.
ME: This happened today?
GUY: Yep. Sharon and Alaina were both terminated today.
ME: So what happens to me?
GUY: Not sure. They just called me and asked what the situation was with getting someone in there. I said, "What about Angela?" They said to have you send a résumé. You might have to interview again. And they might just not take you because they didn't trust Sharon.
ME: Um, okay.
GUY: So e-mail me your résumé. I'll see what I can do.

Clearly, luck was not on my side. (Nor was it on Sharon's side, apparently.)

Wednesday, my dad took me into NYC to see a matinée of this year's Tony Award winning Best Play, God of Carnage, which had just won the Sunday before. (I had been watching the awards from my basement in a formal dress, as I do every year. Tradition!) And while in NYC, I got a call from Guy. The jewelry store wanted me. I would be starting on Monday.

(As a side note, my standards for theatre are getting very, very high. I've gotten to the place where I'm criticizing more than I'm enjoying. It kind of blows. But I guess that comes with the territory.)

Over that weekend, I took a gig as a stagehand for another children's dance recital/show, which is my second time teching that sort of production since being in CT. I can sum up my thoughts from said shows pretty quickly:
1. Glitter is comparable to a venereal disease.
2. Children. Spandex. Sequins. Sexy dancing. Children's Dance Shows = pedophile heaven. (A choreographer requested low lighting when the underaged teens in skimpy clothes dancing were like strippers to "Out Tonight" from Rent, saying "I don't want to get arrested.")
3. I will never, ever get the song "Jai Ho" from Slumdog Millionaire out of my head.
4. Being a stage manager can make a person get a delicious power high. Loved it.


On Monday the 15th, I showed up to my new workplace. The store is still under construction, so we're in an unmarked office on the next block. I'm pretty sure that we're the only office in the three story building that is not connected to medicine. (Convenient thing: Quest Diagnostics is on the first floor, so I can get my blood drawn before work if I need to. Fantastic.) The only people in the office are me and Dina.

It turns out that Dina was brought in to "save" things when it turned out that Sharon wasn't doing what she was supposed to be doing. She'd been there for a couple of weeks, figuring out what was going wrong, and then they kicked out Sharon. Dina is now in charge. (Still no idea why Alaina was fired.)

My job isn't just putting things in the database. My job is doing whatever Dina needs me to do on a given day. So far, that has been:
- setting up jewelry in a pretty way on the table so that when the Big Boss' wife came by, she could tell us what she hated (she only actually liked about 4 things from the hundreds I displayed)
- spy on smoothie shops (seriously. They give me money, I buy a smoothie. I sit there for an hour and take notes on what kind of people are coming in and what they're buying.)
- checking shipments to make sure we got everything we were supposed to
- make a list of all the things that Sharon bought on eBay (she thought she could sell them in the store as vintage, not realizing that she couldn't actually prove that they were vintage... Hello $6000 liability)
- taking notes at focus groups
- gathering people for focus groups (i.e. getting my brothers and neighbors to come talk about smoothie shops, since the people starting our store are already looking to begin on more projects)
- take inventory of all the athletic shoes that were left behind by the last occupants of our office (which appears to have been a sports store that went under and left five styles of K-Swiss shoes and several kinds of MBT "anti-shoes" behind)
- putting on the jewelry and going to a farmer's market to get people to enter a drawing for a gift certificate to the store
- quality check jewelry and scarves
- pick up/order food for focus groups
- calm Dina down (okay, this one is unofficial)
- keep lists of all the random tasks that need to be done that haven't been done that Dina thinks of throughout the day
- type up notes from meetings

You know what I did today? Put on $450 worth of jewelry at a farmer's market and got people to enter a drawing to win a gift certificate to the store.

Starting Monday, I'm actually going to have an assistant. That's right. I'm a $10/hr temp, and I'm going to be delegating to someone else (a 16y.o. who somehow knows the Big Boss and needs a summer job). Considering that minimum wage in this state is something like $8.25, I think that makes me the cheapest supervisor ever (I'm tempted to track down numbers on how much supervisors get at McDonald's to compare).

It's a fun job. I like it. I really like Dina. And I'm good at it. And I'm going to get an employee discount on jewelry once we open. So all in all, I'd say I'm doing pretty well.

And as for how weird my body is... well, that'll be another post.


May your life be less than f***ed.

~A~