Best of 2009 (abridged)

#best09 ???

I've been reading other people's blogs following those "Best of 2009" prompts. And really, I didn't feel like doing it every day, but I did want to look back on my year and at least answer some of them. So here are the ones that I felt were worth mentally revisiting.


What was your best trip in 2009?
Okay, trips I took this year:
- I went to Tallahassee a couple of times to visit my then-boyfriend, The Filmmaker
- I went to Disney World on day trips twice in May.
- I was in Connecticut to work this summer.
- I flew to Tallahassee to act in a short film.
- I went to Connecticut for Thanksgiving.
- And I flew to Connecticut on December 13th (where I will be until the end of December) for the holidays.

I'm going to say my best trip was when I went to film the movie. Because anything involving The Filmmaker just seems depressing in retrospect. And I did learn a lot by working on that film. If I were allowed to, I'd put it on the internet and show it to you. It's just a goofy little 6-minute thing, but I like it.


What book - fiction or non - touched you? Where were you when you read it?
I read a fair amount this year, considering how much else was on my plate. I finally read Ender's Game (which The Filmmaker lent to me), which I loved.

But best of the year? That has to go to the whole Jessica Darling series. The first book in the series was Sloppy Firsts, which I read not long after I started this blog. This year, I read the final two books in the series: Fourth Comings and Perfect Fifths. I read both on my breaks in the dressing room for the last play I was in. Fourth Comings was mostly during Tech Week, and Perfect Fifths was during the run.

One of the things I love most about the series is how much it challenges me. I'm a pretty sharp cookie with a relatively extensive vocabulary, and I have to look up a word every couple of pages. I know what you're thinking: "She's over-estimating her vocabulary". But no. I have some very intelligent classmates, and when I asked THEM about the definitions of words during tech week, no one ever had an answer for me, even when given context. I had to make a list of words to Google when I got home. (And occasionally of pop culture references, especially ones from the 1980s).

I love the main character. She and I have a great deal in common (I know that everyone tries to liken themselves to their favorite book characters, but I swear there are a lot of obvious parallels... It's not like when I generically compared my childhood self to Hermione because I was a know-it-all with messy hair). She's far more clever than I, but also more cynical (vaguely Daria-style). And what I love most about her is that she's so very flawed (this is also the reason that the 5th Harry Potter book is my favorite: because Harry turns into kind of a jerk and stops being so sympathetic).

The fourth book left me confused and tangled. The first three took place over long periods of time (The first book is about 6 months, I think... The second is a couple of years, and the third is her entire college experience), but the fourth was quick (it took place over the course of a week. A WEEK). Also, it had a different story-telling device (the first three were comprised of letters and personal journals, but the fourth was a journal that WAS a letter... which sounds the same, but felt jarring. The entire book was the answer to a question.) As soon as I finished it, I think I shouted, "WHAT?!", and then immediately ordered the next book.

From the get-go, Book 5 was different from the others. Sort of magical. And the narration was omniscient. Completely, completely different. But the characters that I'd grown to love were there, and I was sucked in anyway. So the final book in the series (which takes place over the course of JUST ONE DAY) made me laugh, cry, scream at the characters, and just generally be filled with intense emotions for having come this far with a story.

And it worked. It won. And I loved it. And I cannot wait to read this series again. Seriously, I haven't been this excited about a series since Harry Potter. It hit me at the perfect time in my life, and I love it so deeply, I can't even articulate it. So, so, so good. Love.


Did you have a night out with friends or a loved one that rocked your world? Who was there? What was the highlight of the night?
Quasi-depressing answer... The best night of my year was probably the night that I first hung out with The Filmmaker and his Director friend. After a night of karaoke, we got Sonic and drove to the water, and talked until 3am. Me and two guys (because for whatever reason, I get along better with guys than girls) just hanging out and talking about nothing and everything. It felt like the first time I hung out with Brian at a Steak & Shake. I just felt... relaxed. And safe. And valuable. It was nice.


Blog find of the year. That gem of a blog you can't believe you didn't know about until this year.
I think it has to be ...love Maegan. She's a fashionista and a crafter, and she's just so darn likable.


Moment of peace. An hour or a day or a week of solitude. What was the quality of your breath? The state of your mind? How did you get there?
Through "...love Maegan", I found The Universal Breathing Room. I wrote about it here.


Album of the year. What's rocking your world?
Tough year to pick! Here are some of the albums I remember having acquired this year, with asterisks next to the ones I recommend:
*- "Come to Life" by Natalie Imbruglia.
*- "Everybody" by Ingrid Michaelson
*- "SONOSings" by Sonos
- "Siren" by Heather Nova
*- "Amanda Leigh" by Mandy Moore
*- "A Bomb in a Birdcage" by A Fine Frenzy
*- "Limits of the Sky" by The Bridges
- "Perfectly Clear" by Jewel
*- "Make Believe" by Platinum Weird
- "First Band on the Moon" by The Cardigans
*- "The Villers" by The Villers
- "West Side Story" Original Broadway Cast Recording
*- "Funhouse" by Pink
*- "The Fame" by Lady Gaga
- "The Lizzie McGuire Movie Soundtrack"
- "The Lizzie McGuire Soundtrack"
- "The Pulp Fiction Soundtrack"
- "All I Ever Wanted" by Kelly Clarkson (just got it today, and haven't heard enough to recommend it yet)

Natalie Imbruglia is my favorite singer, and "Come to Life" might be my favorite album of hers yet. I have an iPod dock in my car, but it's pretty much gone unused since I got this album in October, because I've just been playing the CD all the time. HIGHLY RECOMMEND!!!

Amanda Leigh by Mandy Moore is fantastic. If you're only familiar with Mandy Moore's bubble gum pop phase, please give her another chance. Her album Wild Hope is one of the best in my collection. Amanda Leigh isn't QUITE Wild Hope in my eyes (although it was reviewed better by most critics), but it's still great.

I love The Bridges, and I wish they would get more attention. Limits of the Sky is their first album. (I bought their EP in 2008 after seeing them open for The Bangles). It's gorgeous music, and really fun. I would call them pop, but they have sort of a folk/country/pop sound. There are four female singers in the group (they're cousins) and a male drummer (who doesn't sing). And they are really worth checking out.


What's the best change you made to the place you live?
We hung up art. It looks like a real home now.


When did you get your best rush of the year?
The understudy run for The Winter's Tale, hands down. I had a great, powerful role (Paulina), and I knew I was rocking it. And it felt great. I wish there had been a full audience.


Word or phrase. A word that encapsulates your year. "2009 was _____."
2009 was full of disappointments. I had a terribly failed relationship. I had lousy casting. I had a bunch of things that I've already complained too much about, I'm sure. It was a learning experience, as all unhappy times are. But I'm hoping that 2010 makes things shape up a bit. (Even the number "2010" looks happier than "2009", don't you think?)


Shop. Online or offline, where did you spend most of your mad money this year?
I have friends who work at Express and who are happy to share discounts with me, so I bought more there than I normally would have. And I look hot in all of it.


New person. She came into your life and turned it upside down. He went out of his way to provide incredible customer service. Who is your unsung hero of 2009?
The person who had the greatest impact on my life was undoubtedly The Filmmaker. But the person I think I learned the most from was my boss from the store I worked at over the summer (and am working at again while I'm home on break). She's one of those people who can respond to anything you bring up with "I used to sell that", "I'm trained in that", "I know a guy who...", etc. She's trained in Feng Shui, handwriting analysis, and dog whispering. She's worked like 80 different jobs. And if she doesn't know how to do something, she knows a guy, guaranteed. I can't tell you how much I've learned from her.


Web tool. It came into your work flow this year and now you couldn't live without it. It has simplified or improved your online experience.
I have three buttons on my browser that make everything better. I've named them "Share", "Note", and "Wish". The "Share" button makes things shared on Facebook. The "Note" button makes things noted in Google Reader. The "Wish" button (the newest of the three) puts things on my Universal Amazon Wishlist (you can put stuff on even if it's not on Amazon). They make my life a lot easier.


What's a gift you gave yourself this year that has kept on giving?
I gave myself Joy when I needed it the most. Shopping therapy. I had a really terrible September. So in October, I bought the next book in the "Jessica Darling" series, and Natalie Imbruglia's latest album. And then I went out and bought myself a pretty new dress. Should I have been spending money? Absolutely not. And normally, I would have spread out the joy from the CD I knew I'd love and the joy from the book I knew I'd love. But I needed every ounce of happiness I could get at that moment in time, so I went for it. And I'm glad I did. I don't indulge my inner-child enough. Sometimes she needs to get her way and be healed with good music, good books, and pretty things.


What was your biggest belly laugh of the year?
I don't know if it's the biggest, but a recent one is from my youngest brother. While playing the song "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree", he discovered that the lyric, "Maybe we'll have some pun'kin pie," sounds a lot like, "Maybe we'll have some f***in' pie". He's been playing that part of the song over and over again, and it makes me laugh every time.


Resolution you wish you'd stuck with. (You know, there's always next year...)
"Stop taking personal responsibility for the happiness of others." It was a goal at the beginning of the year, and I think I failed quite badly.






May you try to remember the "bests" instead of the "worsts".

~A~

Off-Limits

(Me and friends at an opening night party on 12/04/09)


I talked to Brian tonight. He's getting deployed again. And for the longest time ever. It's going to be weird not being able to call him up. We have an incredibly (and shockingly) functional exes-who-went-back-to-being-good-friends friendship.

I talked to him tonight about the weird boy drama in my life. There are things that have happened recently that I feel like I can't talk about down here. Perhaps that I shouldn't even acknowledge.

Usually, my flirting radar is defective in the sense that I don't notice when it's going off. For so long, I've held this concept of "As Good As Gay" in my mind. To remind you (because I wrote this post long before many of you knew this blog existed)...

In the past, I have often placed men in a category that I call "As Good As Gay". For one reason or another, I have (consciously or unconsciously) deemed them off-limits, crush-wise. Reasons that a male might be put on this list include:

1. I am in a relationship. (automatically makes all other men AGAG because of my famously successful "relationship blinders")
2. He is in a relationship.
3. He is interested in another female on a level somewhere between “significant crush” and “stalker-like obsession”. (You would be surprised how many times I've come across the latter... usually it has to do with "the girl who got away")
4. One of my friends is interested in him.
5. He has previously dated one of my friends.
6. He lives far away.
7. We have never actually met in real life.
8. He's actually gay.
9. I suspect that he MIGHT be gay.
10. He is friends with one of my exes.
11. He is in my class/program. (this one was added when I came down to grad school)
12. He is under the age of 22 or over the age of 29. (I just made up this rule right now, because I think those are probably my extremes, dating-wise, at my present age of 25. Although according to this formula, I could date anywhere from 19.5-36 before things got creepy.)

And honestly, the thought of dating someone who gets labeled AGAG doesn't enter my mind. Unless he does something that changes that. Which usually involves flirting with me in an obvious manner. Or flat out telling me that 1. he wants to date me, 2. he wants to kiss me, 3. he would dump his girlfriend for me... you know. Something along those lines.

So, fine, once the switch gets flipped, all rules are off. Examples:
- I dated Ex #1, who had previously made-out with one of my best friends, and whom about 5 of my friends had crushes on before I dated... Awkward.
- I dated Ex #2, whom my then-roommate (the same girl who had made out with Ex #1) had a crush on not long before. Also, he had a crush on another girl when we started dating (which I didn't actually know about until a few weeks into dating him, but continued to date him anyway. Actually, I should thank her... Part of the reason I started this blog was because he said his crush on her developed out of his love for her blog. So thank you, blogger-chick-whom-my-ex-had-a-crush-on. You changed my life).
- I dated Brian, who was in Nebraska while I was in Chicago. Also, my crush on Brian totally began while I was dating Ex #2 (although I think I already knew things weren't going to work out with him).
- I dated The Filmmaker, who was over a 5-hour drive away... and continued dating him when he was in California, and I was in Connecticut/Florida.
- I went on a date with a 38-year-old when I was 21. (Note: After finding out that he was 38, there was no second date.)
- I kissed a guy who was a 3rd-year in my program when I was a 1st-year. (Note: this is precisely why I don't drink anymore.)


I feel wrong about going into the awkward male situations in my life at the moment... but to satisfy a little curiosity...

- Guys who are in relationships who seem to be hitting on me. (I have to write "seem to be" instead of "are obviously" because it feels somehow safer if I don't fully admit to it, even on here. It just seems so wrong... Actually, I'm only positive about one of them still being in a relationship. The other could very well have broken up with his girlfriend by now, but I'm treating him like he has one until I know otherwise.)
- Guys who have previously dated (or quasi-dated) my friends who now appear to be hitting on me.
- Guys who have hooked up with my roommate are hitting on me (including one who hit on me the same day that he had woken up at my house).
- A guy who is friends with one of my exes has a crush on me.
- A guy who is out of my self-instituted datable age range is hitting on me.

So basically, they're all off-limits, by my own definition. And normally, they'd be AGAG... but they're flipping switches all over the place, and that makes it all much harder to handle.

And there are so many thoughts that fly through my head about these things, but I can't say anything. Because I don't want to spread rumors. Because I don't want to upset anyone. And because what if I'm wrong? What if they're just being friendly, and I'm so lonely that some part of me is, dare I say it, wanting it to be something more?


I will admit to the following:

1. I like to flirt. I'm not terribly good at it. And I don't always know that I'm doing it. But okay, fine. Yes. I'm a flirt.

2. Touch is my strongest sense, according to me, my Movement Professor, and probably most of my classmates (which is unusual; people are more likely to have sight or hearing as their strongest sense). So I touch people a lot. And I acknowledge that could be construed as flirtation.

3. I have social anxiety, and touching people is actually one of my coping mechanisms. It grounds me, somehow. So in large groups of people, I find a way to work touch into conversations as much as possible. And I acknowledge that it could be construed as flirtation.

4. I am an non-discriminant cuddler, and I believe in platonic cuddling. I will cuddle with anyone, regardless of my attraction to them. And I acknowledge that it could be construed as flirtation.

5. I often dance in a suggestive manner. As a result, I have a general rule that I will only dance with people after giving them a verbal disclaimer that I dance in a suggestive manner, and that it does not mean that I want them. (I haven't danced with anyone lately, but I felt this belonged on the list because of past transgressions.)

6. I have lately been mentioning on a regular basis just how lonely I am. I actually said it on Tuesday while I was on stage in front of 22 of my schoolmates. I acknowledge in retrospect that statements like this could lead someone to believe that I am looking for offers... Which I'm not (as far as I know).

Yes, I flirt. Yes, I cuddle. Yes, I encourage people to touch me. And yes, I'm guilty of more than I'll be admitting on the internet tonight.

And I realized something particularly horrible about myself yesterday. Brace yourself:

Sometimes it feels safer to flirt with people who are unattainable.

Because really, I don't want to be in a relationship right now. I don't want to become "...and Angela". I don't. So as stupid as it is, I think I'm actually MORE likely to flirt with people in relationships. Or, at the very least, I'm likely to flirt BACK when they initiate it. I don't always realize that I'm doing it at the time, but I see it retrospectively.

But in my defense:

1. I once slapped a guy who had a girlfriend who said "kissin' ain't cheatin'" and tried to kiss me in his car. And I plan to do the same to any future non-single guy who attempts to make any sort of move on me. I do not condone cheating, and I will not be a part of it. Period. (NOTE TO BOYS: The difference between cheating on a girlfriend and not cheating is picking up a phone and breaking up with her first. If you're not willing to do that, then you shouldn't be trying to hook up with anyone but her.)

2. I very directly stated to TWO of the guys hitting on me that I am not going to sleep with them. (Which, frankly, they should have realized, as they are both well aware of my lack of a sexual past.)

3. I very directly stated to one of them that nothing is going to happen between us because he has a girlfriend.

4. As soon as I (very recently) found out a guy had a past quasi-relationship with a friend of mine, I stopped talking to him. Out of sight, out of mind.


I was talking to a classmate yesterday very vaguely about the things I've mentioned here. She basically said.
1. She thinks I'm an attention whore.
2. She doesn't think that what I actually want is someone to cuddle with (which I've been thinking would be the solution to my physical-loneliness problem), because she thinks I could easily get that if I wanted it. She thinks the issue is more complicated that that.

I don't think of myself as an attention whore. Although, I am a blogger, so that's not exactly evidence to the contrary.

But maybe she's right on the cuddle buddy issue.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay, I suddenly got a feeling of déjà vu as I was typing this post, so I took a break and I checked over my archives... And I found a post that I actually deleted after the initial posting (well, "Saved as Draft", if you want to get technical) that I wrote 11 months ago. A post where I mentioned the very same "kissin' ain't cheatin'" story, in fact. A post where I wrote about 4 guys who were interested in me under strange circumstances.

And that deleted post involves one of the very same people that I'm writing this post about. I actually wrote, "...it has been strange for me to be around him. Less comfortable than normal. I guess that night flipped the switch. Maybe he's no longer easily fitting into my tidy little label of As Good As Gay."

Which means his switch was flipped way back then. And then he went back into AGAG territory (probably around the time of The Filmmaker, if not The Engineer). And here we are again, at the end of the year that we started off in an awkward position.

The deleted post was deleted for a reason... but Past Angela just surprised Present Angela with this:

"But I'm not going to lie: I liked it. More than I'd like to admit. If he were single, I probably would've let things go in a different direction that night."

OH. MY. WORD.

I don't even want him! I don't! I swear! He's wrong for me, I'm wrong for him, we're wrong for each other. And IF he's intending to hit on me as he has been, I'm sure it's purely out of his need for chasing unattainable sexual conquests, and not because he's interested in me on a romantic level, and I have no desire to be used in such a manner.

But, man, the game is fun sometimes. Maybe it's because I know it's not going anywhere. Maybe that's why it feels safe. Maybe that's why. And it's got to stop. I have to stop flirting with him. Have. To. Stop. Now.

I'm leaving for a couple of weeks. To Connecticut, with my family, where I'll be working, and in a state where the only males I know that I'm not related to are over the age of 50. A state in which there is absolutely zero potential for flirtation.

I told Brian that. I thought this hiatus from temptation would be a good thing. He thinks the opposite. He thinks that as soon as I come back, my emotional baggage is going to explode after having been packed away for weeks. I hope he's wrong, but I'm not sure if he is.

So here we are. Another un-concluded post. *sigh*


May you be able to stay within your limits.

~A~



P.S. Don't you wish I blogged more? If I get a 20SB Bootleg Award Nomination, I'll try to do just that. :) My 20SB URL is http://www.20sb.net/profile/angelaboration

P.P.S. After this post, I thought it appropriate to throw in a quotation from one of my favorite book series...

"The tales we tell ourselves about ourselves make us who we are... and who we might be."
~ Jessica Darling, "Perfect Fifths" by Megan McCafferty


P.P.P.S. I ate an entire bag of Christmas-colored sour gummy bears while composing this post. And they were delicious.

Please Just Like Me

Alright, I'm just going to sort this all out through writing. It's late, so please forgive my potentially incoherent babbling.

I think there are a couple of guys who are interested in me. And, as usual, I have no idea how to handle it.

The first is an Iron-Maiden-worshipping karaoke maven that I've known for over a year now. Frankly, he's been interested since the day we met (or since the day he first saw me karaoke, which was a few weeks before that). But I'm somewhat, shall we say, uncatchable. I was quasi-dating a different karaoke guy. Then I started dating The Filmmaker... And since becoming single, I've gone to karaoke exactly once.

He's a nice guy. He thinks I'm worthy of high praise, which is of course a huge score in anyone's favor. He's a bit of a know-it-all (not usually in an attractive way). He's a bit socially awkward (not in a cute way). I wouldn't call him combative, but he does have a certain air of "I win all my arguments" about him.

I adore him as a friend. But beyond that, I can't say that I'm interested.

He keeps buying tickets to things and asking me to go along. Things that he has chosen to bring up, clearly, because he thinks I'll like them. A Yo-Yo Ma concert (I was, after all, a cellist for 8 years). A Bernadette Peters concert. The touring company of Avenue Q. I couldn't go to Yo-Yo Ma because I was in tech for a show. The other two concert dates are still upcoming, and I haven't given a response (although, honestly, it would be impossible for me to do so in advance, due to the hyper-changeable nature of my grad school schedule).



The second guy I met though a classmate of mine. He got to know a lot of people in my program over the summer while I was up East with my family. He's nice. I see him in social situations and make small talk. He showed up at my surprise birthday party...

(Side note: My roommates threw me a surprise birthday party during my dinner break from tech. It was unreal, and super cool. Sometimes I love people.)

Anyway. The other night, I was in a bar (where aforementioned classmate who links me to this guy is a bartender once a week) and started a conversation with him. A real one, and not just our usual superficial pleasantries. We bonded over our common Catholicism and social phobias/anxieties (he apparently used to be agoraphobic). We decided to go to Mass together next Sunday (which will be nice... I've been going to church by myself pretty regularly these days, and I do hate going alone, as a result of the social anxiety).

We talked about Guitar Hero and played darts (um, I'm REALLY terrible at darts. Like, if I get the dart to stick into something other than the floor, it's cause for celebration). I invited him to join a group I'd been organizing to go watch the meteor storm on the beach.

We were both leaving the bar at the same time, and his car needed time to warm up (to defog his windows), so he chilled in my car for a bit. I played him some of the random-as-all-get-out variety of music currently housed on my fraction-of-an-iPod. "Subtle Sexuality" by the girls from The Office. "Do You Wanna Date My Avatar?" by the cast of The Guild. Several mash-ups from Glee. And some of the songs on Natalie Imbruglia's latest album (Come to Life, which might be my favorite yet... which is a HUGE DEAL considering that she was already my favorite artist. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!!!!!) It wasn't until we hugged as he got out of my car that I realized that maybe he was interested (in retrospect, I'm incredibly dense; the signs were all there). And then I was grateful for the cherry-flavored Chupa-Chup lollipop, whose stick was protruding from my mouth at that point in a way that surely threatened off all possible romantic gestures and impromptu kiss attempts.

He text messaged me about 20 minutes later to say what a great time he'd had, and I knew I was in trouble.

Then I found out: this guy? He's mid-fight with our mutual friend. And knowing her, she's probably upset that I was even TALKING to him while he was in her bar. Let's just say she wasn't thrilled when I told her he was coming meteor-spotting with us.

He has texted me a few times in the last two days, asking if I want to go over and hang out, watch a movie, play Rock Band, etc. So far, I've turned him down. (I've had stuff to do, anyway.)

I'm not that into him. He's cool, and I'd like to have him as a friend. But again, I just don't want it to go beyond that. And I really hope that he doesn't think me going to Mass with him on Sunday is a date. Because it is SO not.




The thing is, I'm really quite lonely. I am. I miss cuddling. I miss talking to someone who cares about my problems. I miss talking to someone on a regular basis. Anyone, really. I'm around people plenty, but I still often feel like I'm in a cone of isolation.

The most recent person I was talking to on a regular basis was a friend who was calling me drunk every night talking about his depression. One night, he started the conversation by telling me that he had just called a "suicide hotline", and that "they weren't helpful" because they're not authorized to give advice (I'm sure it's a legal issue). All they could do was listen. And he wanted someone to respond. So even though I had a day full of classes and an evening performance ahead of me, I stayed on the phone with him until 3:30am trying to keep him talking about the positive things in his life.


Of course, The Filmmaker isn't completely out of my life. He recently sent me a birthday gift. One that, if we were still dating, would be really quite lovely and wonderful. But because we're not? It's riding the line between awfully sweet and creepy. Riffing off a conversation about how a guy in a bar once misheard my name as "Tarantula", and Filmmaker thought that would be my mutant name as a superhero... He got a bunch of his artist friends to contribute to graphic-novel-style art on the subject of me being said superhero. It's three framed pieces of collaborative art, which he said he thought would be nice in my room, which currently is somewhat lacking in wall-covering decoration.

How do you respond to a thoughtful, complex gift like that from an ex? Especially an ex like this one?



Maybe it's because it's 1:00am, but it seems like I keep getting thrown all these wily pitches that I don't know how to hit.



The crux of the problem is probably that I just want people to like me. And I don't want to disappoint anyone. And I don't want to be alone.

But it creates so many problems.

I can't be everyone's go-to gal in crisis. I can't be everyone's friend. I can't be everyone's crush. I can't.




May you figure out what the real problem is.

~A~

A Miracle to Give You Hope

The morning after I upset The Filmmaker so much, his mother almost died.

I found this out initially through a classmate of mine (who had read it on Facebook... which, of course, I couldn't have done, what with The Filmmaker unfriending me and all). And then I got a text from the Filmmaker saying she was in the hospital and to pray for her. And so I prayed.

I got another e-mail from The Filmmaker today. And though part of me thinks I really need to stop posting his e-mails on here (for privacy), I think it's important to share this one.


Dear Angela,

I realized something recently. If the Halloween costume incident hadn't upset me so much then I wouldn't have gone to sleep at my Mom's house. If I hadn't gone to my Mom's house, then I wouldn't have been there to help her when her heart stopped the next morning.

I think that the first class mail misunderstanding was a miracle. Weird. Everything DOES happen for a reason.

It looks like it was for the best, but I'm sorry I got so upset. I know I got more upset than was warranted by the situation. It's just hard.

Thanks for possibly inadvertently saving my mother's life.

- [The Filmmaker]

P.S. According to our research, my Mom had a 2-25% chance of surviving her attack. It was a miracle all right.



A miracle indeed. Truly.

Yes, everything certainly does happen for a reason.

God is everywhere. Even in the silly arguments that you wish didn't exist.


May you believe in miracles.

~A~

Unfriended

I got an e-mail yesterday morning from The Filmmaker:

"Thanks a lot for completely fucking humiliating me in front of everyone I know.

I can't believe you told [Friend] to be the same thing for Halloween."


And then I discovered that The Filmmaker had unfriended me on Facebook. No, I'm not kidding.



So here's a little backstory...

I think it was when I was in high school (let's say it was around 2001) when I came up with (what I thought was) a great Halloween costume... for a guy. All the guy had to do was buy a bunch of postage stamps (like $5 or $10 worth), stick them on himself, and go as a "First Class Piece of Mail/Male". Inexpensive, clever, with a nice double entendre thrown in.

Well, I liked it.

And, since 2001, every time a male friend (including my brothers) has been looking for a Halloween costume, I have given the (often unsolicited) advice that he should go as a First Class Piece of Male/Mail.

And no one ever does.

So a couple of weeks ago, The Filmmaker, whom I'm trying to be cordial with (hoping that perhaps we could one day be friends, as I now am with my other ex, Brian), e-mailed me saying he didn't have a Halloween costume. And I suggested my brilliant stand-by suggestion.

A few days ago, The Filmmaker's friend from film school called me up to ask me to be in a film he's making in April, and I said yes (woo-hoo!). He mentioned that he didn't have a Halloween costume, so once again, I suggested my old standby costume... You know. The one that I always suggest but no one actually uses.

Cut to the day after Halloween, when I get this e-mail from The Filmmaker.

I was upset. Of course, I never meant any harm, but all these scenarios started running through my head. What if The Filmmaker had flown from California to Florida for Halloween, hoping to surprise his old friends? And shown up at the party where his best friend from school was wearing the same outfit? What if all his old friends mocked them both for not being creative enough to be good filmmakers? It could've been horrible! And so upsetting! And humiliating! And (indirectly) my fault!

I texted The Filmmaker something along the lines of "1. I'm sorry. 2. What happened?"

I texted his friend something along the lines of "I just got an angry e-mail from [The Filmmaker]. I'm sorry if I upset you. I don't know what happened. Help?"

I called my parents, crying. I went to Mass and prayed about it. I called Brian (the magical and mythical ex-who-broke-my-heart-but-whom-I-am-still-good-friends-with-anyway-without-it-being-weird-even-now-that-he's-dating-someone-else), who told me that it wasn't my fault and that The Filmmaker was overreacting, and that if he knew me at all he would know that it's never my intention to hurt anyone, ever.

And then I went home and checked my e-mail.

Filmmaker responded.

"What happened?

Against my better judgement, I dressed up as a "first class piece of mail." Partially because it was clever, original, simple, easy to put together, and something I could wear to work without impeding my ability to work. Partially because I desperately love you and was flattered that you would suggest, after all we've been through, that I was a first class guy.

But you told [Friend] the same thing apparently. So not only did everyone who knows what [Friend] went for as Halloween probably see me in the pictures I posted of my costume, and think "How the hell pathetic are both [Friend] and [Filmmaker] for ripping off the same 'quirky original' costume idea," but it also turns out that apparently you don't really think I'm a first class guy, you were just showing everyone how clever and witty you are.

It wouldn't hurt so much if I hadn't actually WORN the damn costume you suggested. It wouldn't hurt so much if I hadn't posted the pictures on Facebook for everyone to see. I wouldn't have hurt so much if it hadn't been [FRIEND], of all people, who regardless of how you feel about him, I get jealous of because I know he has a crush on you. (Of course he does. He took your costume idea too.) And it wouldn't have hurt so much if [Friend] hadn't posted online that "Hey, I had the same costume. Damn it!" It wouldn't have hurt so much if I didn't still love you desperately, and wasn't constantly hoping that we could somehow work things out, and if that didn't lead me to hope that when you said I was a first class male, that meant that, in some small way, you loved me still too.

But I guess it means nothing. You were just being clever at both my and [Friend]'s expense.

I know it may not seem like a big deal to you, but not only did this humiliate me, but it broke my heart."


I didn't know what to do. How to react.

On the one hand, I was relieved. He didn't go to Florida. He was wearing the same costume as someone else in a different time-zone. Not that bad.

But still, he was hurt. A lot, apparently. And I don't want to hurt anyone, let alone someone I care about deeply.

But then, how could he misconstrue a costume suggestion to mean that I loved him?


I don't know. I wrote back that I was sorry and that I hadn't meant to hurt him.

And then I got an e-mail from him that was angry that I had chosen to be terse.

So I wrote one back saying that I didn't want to write anything else, because if I did, he would either use it as a reason to yell at me or a reason to beat himself up, and I wanted to avoid both situations. I also said, in no uncertain terms, that I do not want to get back together with him.

He wrote me again, saying that he wants to Skype with me to sort out this argument, and then he linked to a study claiming that body language is 55% of communication.

I just feel... squished. Flattened. Like there's no where for me to go. I just want to make all of this go away.

I didn't mean to hurt him, but he keeps hurting me. I try to be nice, and everything goes wrong. And the result is that I just end up beating myself up and feeling miserable, or wanting to hit him or something.

Maybe I'm the bad guy in this situation. Maybe I am. I admit that. And as much as I want you all, lovely readers, to tell me that I'm not, I can't even believe it if you say it. Because I know that you're viewing a very skewed, one-sided, biased version of this story. And who knows what it looks like from his side?



May your good intentions not lead to Hell.

~A~

Regarding the Break Up

I couldn't deal with it. I didn't have time. So I shoved it aside.

He broke up with me.

And he wasn't wrong to.

I'm not what he wanted. I'm not willing to be engaged-to-be-engaged. I'm not willing to make plans for two years from now that include him.

He called me a few days later and just verbally abused me for like an hour. He wants closure, I think. Or he wants to get back together, but he wants me to change first.

He thinks I prioritize my life in an unhealthy fashion. He wants to help.

I told him no thank you, I'm fine, I'm not broken, I don't need your help.

He said that, as a Christian, I should know better than to be prideful and think that I'm perfect and that no one can help me.

I said that even if I did need help, he is NOT the person that can help me.

I said I needed at least a week. A week without talking to him. I needed distance first.

He e-mailed me the next day, apologizing for driving me away and weakening our relationship. He said he hates himself.

I didn't respond. It felt cold and heartless, but I said I needed that week, and I was sure going to take it.

But then I had auditions. And I didn't deal with my emotions. And because I didn't give my emotions the respect that they deserve, now I can't control them. I'm cool, calm, happy, and fine most of the time, and then suddenly I'm angry with everyone or about to cry.

Today is a week. I should call him today. I said I would.

My friends have forbidden me from doing so. They think it's unhealthy. They think I need to take care of myself first.

They don't care that he's depressed, or that this is the worst his life has ever been, or that he blames himself, or that I still care deeply about him and still can't entirely believe that he broke up with me.

So it's 7:30pm and I haven't called him. Maybe I won't. Maybe I shouldn't.

Maybe I'll write him an e-mail.

Or maybe I'll just keep away from him until I figure me out first.


May you give your emotions the respect they reserve.

~A~

Break Up Math

Break Up = (Tears x Pool of Emotions) + Stress Stomachache + (Bowl of Chicken Fried Rice x 3) + (Brownie x 2) + Buying Something Pretty + (Washing Face x 3) + Pretending to Be Normal - Boyfriend

Goodbye, Filmmaker. I'm going to miss you.

May you know when things aren't adding up right. And may the math usually work out in your favor.

~A~

School Love

(D-Train, me, and Newbie after a play-reading. 05/22/09)

I'm officially in Connecticut for the summer. It's the home of my parents, but I've never lived here before, so it doesn't yet feel like home to me.

Before I left Florida, life got crazy, as life often does. Daniel basically moved in with my for a month. We spent few days in Tallahassee. We spent a couple of days in Disney World. We tried to make the most of the time we had together.

(As a side note, this involved the most awkward event I've ever dealt with from a relationship standpoint. Remember Brian, the Air Force guy I used to call my Metaphysical-Boyfriend? He came to visit me WHILE Daniel was staying with me. I spent two days with my boyfriend and the ex that he's heard all about... Both of them handled it surprisingly well.)

But since Daniel is pretty much the only aspect of my life that has gotten any blog attention since, oh, I met him, I'll move on.

I love my school. And my school loves me. I don't mean that in a "my school cares about its students" kind of way, either. I mean, specifically, that my school loves ME. That is, of course, not to say that my program doesn't care about the others. Just that I don't think my school sees me as only a student; they see me as a resource.


EXHIBIT A: Assessments

Okay, so I won't annoyingly type out all of my assessments like I didlast semester (you're welcome). But I will say this: my assessments this semester were EVEN BETTER that the glowing ones from last semester. They think I'm intelligent, skilled, and fabulous (I'm paraphrasing to be brief, but I'm not exaggerating).

At the end of the assessment, they summarize the entire thing for you. There's a section on the official form for "areas in which you excelled", which was cluttered with notes, one of which was written at a funny angle to fit in properly. Then there's a section of "areas in which you can improve". The only thing written in that section was "Confidence". Analysis Professor said, "Angela, you're doing wonderfully with everything here. We just want you to believe in yourself."

So, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, if at times I seem a little full of myself on my blog, keep in mind that normally I'm far better at keeping it under wraps in my professional environment. In fact, I've been so careful to ride that line of Diva-dom that I think I've actually erred too far on the side of humility.



EXHIBIT B: The Workshop

Back in April, the head of my program (aka the man in charge of the next year of my life) said that the artistic director (aka the Grand Poo-Bah of the theatre who will determine my third-year casting and holds much of my creative destiny in his hands) had asked if I was available to do a new play reading at my theatre at the end of the month. I said yes (even though it meant I'd have to back out of the film that Daniel had wanted me to be in, causing the biggest conflict we've had in our relationship thus far -- I then said I'd be in the film instead of the reading, but him leaving film school made the decision for me).

D-Train and Newbie were asked to be in the reading as well, as were several Equity actors who were in the Rep theatre season. The published playwright was so lovely to work with, and she told us that we were the best cast that she'd had thus far for this piece. This play is the third play in a trilogy that she started writing in 1982, and the character I played was the main character in her first play. She told me that I exemplified the character she had in her head in a way that no one else had and thanked me. She said I can send her my headshot and résumé and she'll see if she can spread it around for me. (AWESOME!!!)


EXHIBIT C: The Caretaker

While I was at Disney World with Daniel (we went right before the workshop had started), I got a phone call from the theatre. I started hyperventilating right there on the Monorail. Had I forgotten a rehearsal? Was I supposed to be there? OH DEAR GOD HAD I DONE SOMETHING WRONG?

Daniel made me calm down before calling them back. It turned out that one of the high-up people in the theatre (the Vice Grand Pooh-Bah, if you will) had a family emergency and needed someone to stay with an elderly relative for a couple of days. The stage manager for the theatre called me first.


EXHIBIT D: The Assistant

As a 2nd-year student of the program, you are assigned to assist a professor or a department. This is their way of justifying paying us to be in school. There are 11 people in my class at present, so they came up with 11 stations that need assistants:
- Head of Program (the artist formerly known as "Analysis Professor")
- Head of Program's Assistant (aka the woman who makes the world go 'round)
- Movement Professor
- Voice Professor
- Acting I Professor
- Acting II Professor (who has been with this theatre for decades)
- Costumes (if anyone needs things for scenes, they go through the assistant)
- Props (ditto, but it requires driving across town. the most daunting of these tasks)
- Tech (manual labor)
- Crew (I think it's the same thing as Tech)
- Library (which is apparently a huge job involving keeping the program's library organized)

At the beginning of our first semester, my classmates were ALREADY discussing which positions they planned to request. The job post that looked like it was going to cause the most conflict was with our Acting I Professor, as so many of us idolize him. Several people told me they thought I should assist our Voice Professor, as I'm always doing extra homework in that class just for fun (yes, I'm one of those students). I had a suspicion that my Movement Professor might request me, as we get along incredibly well. But past 1st semester, I didn't really think about it.

I was having a conversation with Acting I Professor in April, when he suddenly picked up on the fact that I'm pretty on top of things (I'd go into specifics on this, but I don't want to brag or bore). So he asked me to be his assistant. I said sure.

I went to talk with his current assistant, and she said that both Acting I Professor and Movement Professor are up for promotion next year, which means that being assistant to either of them will be a far more complicated and work-intensive task than it might normally be. Instead of shying away from the additional workload as a more intelligent person in my position might have done, I decided that it was all the more reason to agree to that assignment. Clearly, Acting I Professor needed me. I WANT him to get a promotion, and I'm going to be of greater help to him than most of my compatriots. So Acting I Professor and I agreed: he'd request me, I'd request him, and everything should be golden.

On the last day of classes, Voice Professor pulled me into the hallway before class and asked if I would be her assistant. I said that I would've loved to, but I'd already agreed to assist Acting I Professor. She said that she yielded to him (knowing, no doubt, about his promotion -- she went through the same grueling process this year). I told her that I'd be happy to make up example sentences for vowels and consonants for her despite not being her assistant, just because I like doing that sort of thing.

When I filled out my request form, I ranked Acting I Professor 1st, Voice Professor 2nd, and Movement Professor 3rd. (I considered putting down "Library" because I really like sorting things -- everyone else will probably hate it -- but I thought my skills were better used assisting people). As I turned in my form to Head of Program's Assistant, she looked me straight in the eye and made a point of saying to me, "You know that just because you request something, doesn't mean you'll get it, right?" I coyly smiled and nodded. I knew she had probably already gotten a couple of request forms with Acting I Professor's name ranked 1st. But I knew something that she didn't: that he would be putting my name down as his first choice. I wasn't worried about what assignment I'd get.

The next week, a 2nd-year came up to me. "Angela, out of curiosity, what did you write on your Assistantship request form?"
"Oh, I'm going to be [Acting I Professor]'s assistant."
"No, what did you write on the form."
"I wrote [Acting I Professor], [Voice Professor], and then [Movement Professor]. But I already talked to [Acting I Professor] and I know he's requesting me."
"I thought I should warn you, you're not going to be his assistant."
"WHAT? WHY?"

This 2nd-year has had the job of assisting Head of Program's Assistant, who is, of course, the person creating the assignments. Head of Program's Assistant needs a really great, organized, friendly person as an assistant, so she wanted me. She had planned to steal me away from Acting I Professor. Clearly, this is why she had given me the "just because you request it" speech.

"So I'm going to be HER assistant," I reasoned.
"Nope," she answered.

Apparently, Head of Program's Assistant had been complaining to this 2nd-year that she COULDN'T have me, because Acting II Professor requested me, and she has the most seniority in the program.

That's right. Even though I have 10 other perfectly capable classmates, 4 of the 6 people who get assistants wanted me.

I felt like the prettiest girl at the dance.

That said, the whole thing felt unfair. I warned Acting I Professor that he probably won't have me as an assistant, despite our solid "request-each-other" plan. He seemed a little disappointed, but I assured him that my classmates are reliable and that I was sure his promotion materials would be assembled easily.

We don't officially get our assignments until we get back to school in the fall. But I'd say this story is a pretty good example of my school loving me.


EXHIBIT E: Facebook

Today (yes, TODAY... 5 weeks after classes have ended, and I'm not currently getting any sort of paycheck from this school), I got a facebook message from a woman who works for the program in some sort of marketing capacity:

Angela: I spoke with [Head of Program] yesterday about having a FB page for the Conservatory and he thinks you'd be the one to know how to set it up just right. What do you think?

Yes. Of course I'm the person they think of. I am, of course, the one with the blog. They associate me with the internet and with being a person who will help the program in any way they ask. And they're not wrong to make either assumption (just a few days ago I created Wikipedia pages for both my program and the Rep theatre because I realized they didn't exist yet... I did that for fun. On summer break. Because I'm a loser.)

So I did it. I created a fan page for the theatre today, complete with events for all the Conservatory's up-coming shows for next season.


VERDICT: They totally love me

Seriously, is it any wonder that they love me? I'm sharp, I'm trustworthy, I'm talented, I'm professional, and, most importantly, I'm the best free labor ever.




So now what...

I've been in Connecticut for a little over a week. I've already been the Stage Manager for two dance recitals at a local theatre. I may have just been offered a role in a play reading (that I didn't audition for). I've been offered a babysitting gig (that I had to turn down because of the Stage Manager gig). I applied for a job as a waitress at a yacht club.

Movement Professor says you she thinks actors should watch a movie every day. Analysis Professor says we should read 3-4 plays a week. Acting I Professor says you should always be reading a book.

I think those suggestions are all too difficult for me to keep up with, but I do see the value in them. So since school got out 5 weeks ago, I've watched 18 movies (most of them with Daniel), I've read 3 plays, and I've finished 2 books. Not bad, I think.

I don't know how things are going to go for me here. I feel out of place still, and I probably will until I get a steady job. But I'm hoping for the best.



May the evidence always show that you are appreciated, beyond any reasonable doubt.

~A~

M.I.A.

You may have noticed that I've been missing for a month. Or maybe you didn't. But I have been...

With good reason.




The Filmmaker shall henceforth be known as Daniel. Because that is his name.

Daniel.

Dan.

Daniel-Pie.

Or sometimes just Pie.



As those of you who read my Twitter stream might already know, Daniel-Pie the Filmmaker was kicked out of film school.

With very, VERY little warning.

And without good cause.

He has decided to move out to California and try to get jobs in the industry.


For the last few weeks, he's been staying with me.

We went to Tallahassee for 4 days.

We went to Disney World twice.

And it's been wonderful.


Tomorrow, I'm going to Connecticut for the summer to be with my family.

I'm saying goodbye to my Daniel-Pie, and I don't know when I'm going to see him again.

(Except for Skype.)

And that's terrifying and upsetting.


Anyway.

I felt it was more important to spend time with him than blog.

But I love you all.

And I will be back.



May you roll with the punches that life throws at you.


~A~

What Is Love?

Skype photo that Filmmaker took of me

This concept of love is a slippery, tricky thing, isn't it?

Filmmaker used that word early on. Not to say that we aren't still in the realm of "early on" (we've been dating for two months). But still. Earlier on than I would expect a person to say it.

It made me question what love is. I tell people I love them all the time, and I mean it. I love my friend Mike. I love my classmates. I love Matt Damon. But with so many kinds of love in the world, it's difficult to say anything about love in a relationship without wondering what kind of love it is versus what kind of love it's being interpreted as. Hence, it's a word I like to avoid. Much in the same way that I generally avoid the word "boyfriend" (a title that I bestowed upon Filmmaker and he wears proudly).

Skype photo of Filmmaker being goofy

He told me not to say it until I was ready. He acted like he was honestly okay with that for awhile before the insecurity kicked in. He wondered if my reluctance to respond to his affectionate language was a sign that I was going to leave him. He was concerned that I looked at our relationship as something temporary or frivolous.

Skype photo that Filmmaker took of me

I responded to him with an e-mail at an ungodly hour of the morning, saying that I don't look at our relationship that way, which is in fact the reason I wasn't going to use that phrase lightly. I wrote that I wasn't going to use it until I felt it with every part of me. I wrote,

Right now, here's what I know...

I honestly care about you.
I'm happier with you than without you.
I miss you. Constantly.
I feel safer when I'm with you.
You make me want to work hard and succeed in things (and finish my stupid frakking Analysis papers) so that I'll make you proud of me, and so that I'll be worthy of someone as wonderful as you.
I'd rather talk to you than anyone else in the world.


And here's what I love:

I love the way you look at me.
I love that you take pictures of me being an idiot and like them.
I love it when you say or text ridiculous random things to me.
I love the way you hold me.
I love how much you make me laugh.
I love making you smile.
I love that your Action-SciFi-Fantasy-Comedy-Drama is so important to you.
I love staring at you and reminding myself that I'm the lucky one who gets to call you her boyfriend.
I love the way you smell.
I love that our relationship feels broken in even though it's so new.
I love that you take the time to actually listen to the music I send you without me asking you to do so.
I love that you put yourself in challenging situations.
I love that you don't give up.
I love that you [drove 5 hours] to "see about a girl."
I love that you respect me.
I love that you're open and honest with me.
I love that you were willing to watch Win a Date with Tad Hamilton and put vinegar on your strawberries.
I love that you're okay with setting rules in our relationship.
I love being able to support you and help you through your less secure days.
I love talking to you for obscene amounts of time every day... even when it keeps us up past curfew.
I love when you say you love me.

I love so many things about you, about our relationship, about the effect you have on me...
And maybe that is indeed an accurate verb to describe the way I feel about you.

But I'm not going to say it yet.

When I do say it, you'll know how much it means.


He wrote me the next morning that when he read that e-mail, it was the second time in his life that he's wept tears of joy (the first being when he was accepted to film school).

Skype photo of Filmmaker

Last week, he sent me an e-mail in a similar tone to the one I had written him (which I mentioned in my last post, I believe). I won't share the entirety of the e-mail, as most of it is just for me. But I thought I'd share some of his corresponding list.


- I love all your little quirks: the hiccups, the squeaks, the jaw pop, the odd flexibility, the obsession with names, the clean-up time outfits, and… well… all the ridiculously little things, many of which you are self conscious about, but which really just make you all the more endearing.

- I love the way you dance. Completely free of worries or self conscience. It’s inspiring.

- I love that you are willing to struggle so hard to be the best at what you do.

- I love that, even though you may be "competitive," you do everything in your power to support the people around you and help them to succeed.
[NOTE: he put it in quotation marks because we had just had a discussion in which he insisted that I am competitive, and I had insisted that I am not]

- I love that you are capable of being both proud and insecure, but that you’re a healthy enough person to keep either trait from becoming a flaw.

Skype photo that Filmmaker took of me

- I love that you are somehow both wise to the world where you need to be but also sheltered and innocent in many ways that are good to be.

- I love that are willing to be yourself around me, that you trust me enough to show me exactly who you are, and that you are more than a little bit excited to be able to tell me stories about your life for hours on end.

- I love that you are willing to listen to my long winded stories and ideas about life, as well. (It proves that you’re not merely self centered.)

- I love that you are open to new experiences, and that you are able to enjoy many of the things that other people enjoy. I also love that you are able to appreciate the things that other people enjoy, even if you don’t love them yourself.

- I love that you have so many different smiles that it would take me a lifetime to count them all.

Skype photo that Filmmaker took of me

- I love that you have even more weird faces. So many, in fact, that several lifetimes would likely not suffice to count them all.

- I love how unspeakably beautiful you are. I wish that you could see yourself through my eyes when you’re feeling less than pretty, because then you’d know how silly it was to feel that way. I’ve never seen you look anything but breathtaking from head to toe.

- I love that you see me as a man.

- I love that you take your relationship with God seriously, that you take the time to thank him for each meal you eat, and that you are willing to give up things that you love to remind yourself of his love for you. These things all make me want to have a better relationship with God myself.

- I love that you allow me to question your beliefs without feeling threatened or angry, and that you are willing to discuss why we both believe what we believe. This is very extremely important to me, and I hope will allow us to grow as individuals and as a couple.

- I love that one of the main reason for some of our differences in political and religious beliefs is simply that you have a true desire to be compassionate and understanding towards others.

- The thing I love most about you is the way you look at life. It’s hard to even explain, but I’ll do my best. While some people look at life as a series of challenges (as I have in the past), you seem to look at life as an experience, to be breathed in and exhaled with a smile on your face. You are so overwhelmingly positive and upbeat, and you have obviously spent so much time looking for the little things in life that makes simply existing fun and interesting, that it comes easily to you. I envy this about you terribly, and if I can take one thing from my relationship with you, and really take it to heart it will be this way of thinking. And that’s why I knew... I knew after reading your 25 Things that you were somebody very special. You were somebody I had to know. You were somebody worthy of my love. Because only a girl who looked at life in such a wonderful way could have written that list the way you wrote it. Thank you for allowing me to experience such a beautiful outlook on life.
[NOTE: Filmmaker said that the thing that finally pushed him to ask me out was reading my 25 Things meme on Facebook, which contained mostly things that I had put on this blog during NaBloPoMo 2007]

- I love that when I am around you, I am a happier person. I am a smarter person. I am a kinder person. I am a cooler person. I am a more honest person. I love that you make me the best version of myself that I’ve ever been.

- I love that this list feels incomplete.


It's hard not to fall for a guy who says such pretty things.

Skype photo that Filmmaker took of me

Is it love? Can you be in love after such a short period of time?

You tell me.


May you know that you're worth loving.

~A~



P.S. The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

Fast Forward

I drove 5.5 hours to come see The Filmmaker. My previous farthest drive? 2.5 hours. Yeah, I really like this guy. And the drive flew by.

I got here Tuesday evening. I'm leaving Saturday morning. I wish I could stay here longer, but I'm required to be on my home campus Saturday evening.

He's wonderful. He's everything I thought he was, and everything I wanted him to be. I'm already as comfortable around him as I was with Boyfriend #1 (whom I dated for over 2 years). I'm already as open with him as I was with Brian.

We've had conversations that people don't generally have this early on in relationships. Religion. Politics. Child-rearing. Grooming habits. Everything. I wonder if it should be stranger than it is. I've said things to him that I've never said to anyone, and it feels as consequential as discussing the weather. I'm not worried about being too vulnerable. And I'm not afraid that I might scare him off.

He said the "L" word. He loves me. Already. I was speechless. I started crying and laughing and feeling like my soul was going to implode. I wanted to take his essence and crush it into me somehow. I wanted to incorporate his being into mine.

But I didn't say it back.

He says he doesn't want me to say it until I'm ready. He's been saying it on a regular basis for a week. I guess it didn't just slip out. It wasn't a mistake. He means it. (Or, at the very least, he thinks he does.) But I still haven't said it back.

How can I? How can I say that? We've only been dating for four (4!) weeks. And yes, it feels like we hit the ground running with this relationship. We dive-rolled into it. We hit the fast forward button. And I'm as connected to him as I've ever been to anyone. But I still can't (won't?) say it.

It feels like they're aren't many steps left. I like hitting every stepping stone in a relationship. Every rite of passage makes things feel new, exciting, and like you're making some sort of progress. The first date. The first kiss. The facebook relationship status. The labels of boyfriend and girlfriend. (Technically, his announcement of love came between those last two).

I feel like it's my job to step on the brakes a little. He has a history of falling fast (he proposed to his ex after they'd been dating for a month and a half). I am less inclined to that (I wouldn't let Boyfriend #2 call me his girlfriend until we'd been in a relationship for 3 months).

I also try to make sure we take everything slowly physically, and for a very important reason: we're not going to sleep together. He's been married, so obviously he doesn't share my virginal status... but he's religious and doesn't believe in sex outside of marriage.

It's lucky that I've found him. The last guy I dated who wasn't sexually active was Boyfriend #1, whom I broke up with in June 2007. Every guy since then, I've felt like I was disappointing them in some way. But with the Filmmaker, he looks at it as a positive. It's like we're on the same team on some sort of psycho-sexual-cultural battlefield. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one fighting to keep those boundaries in tact.

He's so handsome. Even more so in person. He towers over me when we hug (he's 6'5", I'm 5'6"). I breathe him in like warm peppered freedom. I want to wrap myself up in him like a security blanket. He makes me feel like a little girl and a woman all at once.

We've been really pretty boring over the last couple of days. He introduced me to the British television show Coupling, and I introduced him to a '90s WB comedy called Grosse Pointe. He keeps making me food, like a smoothie, and eggs, and hot dogs. We sit next to each other working on our respective homework assignments and complaining about how illogical they occasionally seem. I'll mention how the word "wasn't" has 4 different pronunciations in my International Phoenetic Alphabet Pronunciation Dictionary. He'll complain that he rewrote the ending of his script using an idea from his Writing Professor, and then the Writing Professor said it was too much of a downer. He brought me to his school while he set up his footage for editing purposes.

Last night I was in a couple of film school homework assignments. In the Filmmaker's project, I played a perfectionist insomniac undergrad student. In his friend's project, I was a reporter who had a scheme to kill an old woman, and the Filmmaker played her dimwitted assistant. It was good fun.

He's in class right now. I'm in his place alone with his beta fish, Buzz & Merlin. I should be working on the insane amount of homework that I have over this break, but I thought I should blog while I have a chance. I haven't been particularly good about it since this guy entered my world.

Later tonight I'm meeting him and his friend at the school to help them with some sound homework of some sort. I think we're filming more tonight, but I don't know what.

We're supposed to watch about 18 movies together before I go, but I'm not sure we'll even get to 1 (every time we try to watch a movie we end up sitting on his couch talking -- yes, talking -- for long periods of time instead). Yesterday he said, "I wonder when we'll get to the point in our relationship when sitting here watching a movie with you will be as great as just sitting here with you."

It's going to be hard to go home.


May you feel comfortable at any speed.

~A~

Twitterpated & Merriful

Things I've done recently:

- Let down The Engineer as gently as possible (this was BEFORE The Filmmaker got here). And then notified The Engineer that I was dating someone else (the day after The Filmmaker left), because I thought it was preferable for him to hear it from me. He was upset about me dating someone else, and reacted badly at the news. He has since apologized and said he'd like to be friends (which is good, as our social circles overlap). I've seen him a couple of times since then. It's still a little weird, but not as bad as I feared it might be.

- Got into a facebook relationship with The Filmmaker. Because relationships don't really exist until they're on facebook. (I'm still not using the b-word -- "boyfriend" -- yet. I think we need a little more time to work up to that)

- I learned to Skype.

- I Skyped with The Filmmaker for over 9 hours in one day (our day off, of course). 6 of which were consecutive hours (we took a bathroom break around hour 5). It was so much fun.

- I consciously mentioned The Filmmaker in front of every male in this town that I have had any sort of strange quasi-flirtatious relationship with since I've been down here. I don't want to lead anyone on. I also mentioned The Filmmaker in a conversation with a student who will be getting here next fall... because we were emailing back and forth, and I thought he might've been trying to flirt with me (although I'm never really sure about those things)... I don't want anyone to get their hopes up.

- I've seriously neglected this blog... But really, it's just not a major priority for me right now. I'm sure that at some point I'll have things that I need to work out for myself in a written format, but I haven't had to lately. I've always said that my blog was for me first, and for my readers second. I guess I meant it.

- I've started getting very little sleep on a regular basis. Mostly because I'm up until all hours talking to The Filmmaker.

- Have I mentioned that I like The Filmmaker?

- I did a voiceover for some sort of show being done at a planetarium in town? I'm not really sure what it's about, but I was basically the voice of propoganda in 2060 after government had folded to businesses creating virtual life forms. I have no idea if it's going to be any good... but it turns out I like doing voiceover work. It's quite fun.

- I FINALLY learned all my lines for The Winter's Tale. I discussed them with the actress playing the role at a party tonight. We went through large chunks of the text reciting them simultaneously. She pointed out a couple of my paraphrases (in one I learned something as "'twas" instead of "was't" for some reason, in the other I inverted two things in a list). I'm more confident about things now, at least partially because SHE seems confident about my ability to go on. I'm sure it's all going to be fine.

- I started cleaning my room. It's still a disaster, but it's something.




So yeah. About The Filmmaker.

I like him. So much. I'm... I'm...

Crushed. Infatuated. Twitterpated.

But I know that there are going to be problems down the road:
- I'm Catholic, he's non-denominational Christian (which is a bigger deal -- to both of us -- than I initially thought it would be).
- We have different interpretations of the Bible on a couple of matters that are near and dear to my heart (we're currently gathering Biblical evidence for both sides and are going to discuss our points at length when we next see each other).
- I am a firm believer that people should actively take part in their government, whereas he didn't like either of the presidential candidates and therefore did not vote (he says that he now regrets this, after I pointed out that he's now a statistic of apathetic non-voters, whereas it would've been a stronger choice to go to the polls and choose to abstain).

The question is, how big of problems will they be? Will we compromise? Will we agree to disagree?

Right now, I'm not going to worry about it. We just started dating. It's not like we're getting married.

Speaking of which, allow me to drop a bombshell: he has been married.

I've known about this since the first weekend I met him, and I've decided that it doesn't bother me. He's two years older than I am. He was married for 2.5 years to someone who is STILL not of drinking age. Their divorce was finalized just over a year ago. I am the first person he has dated since (he's asked other girls out in the interim, though, and he says he feels like they were his rebounds and that I shouldn't worry).

Maybe that should be a bigger deal to me than it is. I think my parents are a little weirded out by the whole thing.

He brings me to a state of being that is above what I would classify as "happy." He makes me joyful, gleeful, and merriful. My body senses his warmth even when he's out of my physical reach. Every time I see his face, I can't help but smile. Being around him magically makes my self-esteem improve. I want to introduce him to everyone and proudly claim him as my own.

I'm going to visit him soon. I'm not sure of the exact date, as it depends on how quickly I write a paper, but it'll be next weekend. And for as many days as possible (thank goodness that I don't have any major crew responsibilities over my spring break).

Things are good.

I'm actually on Skype with him as I'm writing this. We have this new thing we do where we're doing our own thing, and just happen to have each other in the room with us. He's eating apples and working on homework. I'm eating ice cream and blogging.

While writing this, I asked him, "Hey, what are you okay with me writing about you on the internet?" His response: "You can write anything you want. I'm a really open person." Thank goodness. We're going to get along just fine.


May things be good. May things be open. May things be merriful.

~A~


P.S. I told him about that "He brings me to a state..." paragraph. He asked me to send it to him, so I posted it on his facebook wall for the world to see. He laughed and said he couldn't believe that I'd done that. I replied that I couldn't believe I had either, so I was deleting it. He laughed and said, "I make you reckless, don't I?" Yes, I suppose you do.

Seventeen Dates

Audrey Hepburn once said, "Happy girls are the prettiest."

Let's just say that I have a lot of pretty pictures from last weekend.

(I hope you assume from the title that this will be a long post, because it will be. Very long. But considering that I haven't written anything in over two weeks, I think it's due to be.)


1.
The Filmmaker showed up on Friday night, and kept saying that being here seemed "surreal." It did for me as well. I wasn't sure how to handle it at first. It's strange to have some sort of prior relationship to someone that has mostly been handled through electronic communication. Our primary methods up until that point had been long-winded emails and frequent text messaging. (It was actually similar to meeting bloggers for the first time... the difference being that my crushes on bloggers were non-sexual ones.)

We hung around my kitchen for a bit. We ate carrots and some cookies I had baked earlier in the day. And he was right; it was surreal. Suddenly he was a real person again to me, and not just someone that I had been sending texts on my breaks.


2.
I took him to go see The Winter's Tale. I summarized the first half of it for him before it started, not really because I thought he needed it (the production is remarkably clear, in my opinion), but rather because I greatly enjoy summarizing Shakespeare in vernacular ("And then Leontes was like, 'No ju dihn't!'").

We got seats dead center in the mezzanine (my favorites in the house) because the people who work at the box office are awesome and they like me. And it was lovely.

At one point during the play, we both laughed, and I made a move that's bolder than I'd usually make; I reached for his hand. He took mine, and held it for the remainder of the play.


3.
We got back to my place and talked for awhile. He looked at the clock, and then said, "So... do you want your Valentine's Day present now, or in 4 minutes when it's actually Valentine's Day?"

I was surprised. Generally, I'm not a big fan of surprises, as they make me uncomfortable and off-balance a bit, but I tried not to show it. He went to his car and then gave me a gift bag. He apologized for not wrapping it. He wrote me a card (addressed to "Aeia"... he was guessing on the spelling of my nickname, which is "Aiea", and then proceeded to verbally beat himself up for getting it wrong).

The card read "The world needs more girls like you to save it. I hope this helps." And in the bag, there was a tiara and a cape.

Why? Because the About Me section of my Facebook profile read: I am fairly certain that given a cape and a nice tiara, I could save the world.

I believe I've mentioned before on this blog that silly, dorky, private joke sorts of presents beat candy and flowers any day of the week. Opening that bag was the moment I truly knew that this guy was cut from the right fabric, and that I wanted to try him on for size.


4.
I had my understudy run for The Imaginary Invalid on Saturday morning (which had originally been The Filmmaker's excuse for coming down here; he wanted to see my classmates and me acting on stage). He sat in the audience and was... lovely. Delightful. Splendid. I spoke to him at intermission, and then after the run he brought me a flower and told me how wonderfully he thought I'd done. And was just generally adorable.

As a side note, I got a lot of really positive feedback. And the director didn't give me ANY NOTES on how to improve my performance in the role... So I think I may have rocked it. One of my donors came out to see the run. It was the first time she had ever seen me act, and she loved it. It felt really great to make her proud.


5.
We went back to my condo and I made him lunch. Nothing too exciting, just pasta and salad. But it was a huge deal for me. I barely cook for myself, let alone other people. I made Boyfriend #2 a turkey sandwich once, but he ended up going to McDonald's after eating because he was still hungry... So I feel like this was the first time I'd ever really made someone else a meal. I felt kind of like a grown-up. And that was nice.


6.
We walked around the grounds of a famous estate in town.


Every time I turned around, he was taking a picture of me without me knowing it.



Of course, I convinced him to take some of the two of us.



We drove around town, getting out of the car whenever we saw something that looked pretty.






7.
Some of my schoolmates put on a production that they called "The Love Late Night", which involved a collection of scenes, monologues, songs, poetry, and movement pieces all focused on the theme of love. The Filmmaker and I loved it. (Best part? My classmate Iceman proposed to his girlfriend on stage, and she said yes. It was so adorable!) And even though we were watching things about love on Valentine's Day, it wasn't weird.

Afterward, I mentioned to The Filmmaker that it was a little funny that our first date had been on Friday the 13th, and our second was on Valentine's Day. He said that meant things evened out.


8.
I knew I had to work on load-in for a show, so we just sat around and talked all morning. And it was lovely. And I really didn't want to leave.


9.
While I was gone, he had tried to research nice restaurants in the area to take me to. He had packed his suit, which he had only previously worn to his film school interview. I tried on a bunch of different dresses, trying to figure out what to wear. He voted for the blue dress, so that's what I went with.


It was a date. A real date. I hadn't been on a date since... Brian. Last May, the weekend that he broke up with me.


10.
When we got back to my place, I realized that I didn't have my keys, and we were locked out. So we decided to start driving around town again, anywhere and everywhere. Eventually, we stopped at a Coldstone and talked over ice cream. Delicious idea. And by the time we got back home, one of my roommates was around to let us in. And then we slow-danced in my living room. And it was good.


11.
Originally, he was supposed to leave Monday morning, but we were having such a good time that I talked him into staying longer.

He said that he wanted to do something nice for my friends/schoolmates. So he said he would make tacos, and that I should invite them all over. D-Train and O.D. were the only ones who showed up, but it was fun anyway. The Filmmaker is hardcore about making tacos, and he makes his own shells. I hadn't had a taco in years, but they were great. I was a little impressed.


12.
He insisted on driving us to a Mac repair store to try to get a replacement power cord for Lady MacBook (because clearly he is a nerd who understands my computer addiction). It was a bust, but it was endearing.

While we were out, I decided that we should hit up the art museum and circus museum.

We also went inside the mansion at that famous estate we'd wandered.





13.
I finally had to start work on the thing I'd been avoiding all weekend: my Titus Andronicus paper for my analysis class.

The Filmmaker somehow fit his 6'5" body onto on of our not-very-big couches, and sat there working on some homework of his own that didn't have nearly as pressing of a due date.
It was lovely. There was a nice synergy in the room.

I didn't end up finishing my paper on time, but that had more to do with me having problems with understanding the action of the play than it had to do with The Filmmaker being a distraction over the weekend (as proof of that: when I met with my Analysis Professor and raised the issues I'd come across while writing the paper, he said that I'd changed HIS mind about the action of the play, and he felt like he was now at a loss for a sound answer).


14.
When we took a dinner break from our writing assignments, we watched Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. We put on the subtitles (because I've seen it more than he has), and sang the musical together. So much fun.


15.
He wanted to come to my Acting class on Tuesday. Unfortunately, he showed up on the day that my scene partner and I did a mediocre job (seriously, we'd been rocking the scene for two weeks, and then the day The Filmmaker showed up was the day it was weak. Horrible timing). But he was so supportive about it, and kept saying how great it was to get another opportunity to see me act. And how in everything I've done (he's also seen me in two filmed scenes and the understudy run) I transform into something completely different. And he's just... charming about it.


Side Story...
I had Analysis class after Acting, so I gave him my house key so that he could go back and get some work done. But when I got home, he wasn't there. When he finally showed up, he walked in with two fluorescent light bulbs to replace the ones that have been burnt out in our bathroom for the last three months. He said that they're not being made anymore and that he had to search a bit to find them. How cute is he?


16.
We went out and got a massive quantity of Chinese food with the intention of coming back to my place and watching Atonement (I'd borrowed it from Wifey because I had been telling The Filmmaker that he should see it). Instead, we just ended up sitting, eating, and talking. Somehow, it seemed like a waste of our remaining time together to watch a movie. We were too busy enjoying each other's company.

17.
Wednesday, he stuck around through lunchtime, just to be able to spend just a little more time with me. We ate leftover reheated Chinese food. And it was hard to say goodbye after that. I begged him to stay, but he really needed to get back (and I'd already gotten him for 53 hours longer than I had originally anticipated -- yes, I counted the hours).





So that's the story of my whirlwind romance with The Filmmaker.


At one point while he was here, he said that a friend had texted him to ask how the trip was going. The Filmmaker's response was that if you divided it into chunks every few hours, every block of time was seriously in the running for the best date of his life.

A couple of days after he left, I asked him if he'd decided what the visit counted as. One long date? One date for every day he'd been here? His text message response was:

"115 hours total, minus apprx 35 hours of sleep and maybe 12 hours of you being occupied elsewhere equals 68 hours. If a good date is four hours, that's 17 dates. How's my math? Close enough to put on your blog?"

And that text, ladies and gentlemen, is exactly why I like this guy. Because he tried to figure it out mathematically. Because he's adorkable. And because he's excited about the idea that he's on my blog (and doesn't mind not reading it).

The funny thing is, I made my outline for this post BEFORE I asked him that question, and I ended up with 17 events. So I guess his math was right indeed.

Before he left, we had a conversation about what we are now. We left it at that we're dating, but he's not my boyfriend. And I think that's a good place for it to be at the moment. I'm happy.


May every date be in serious consideration for the best date of your life.

~A~


P.S. I hope this super long post was worth the wait.