The Potential End of the Phil Saga

TEXT MESSAGES


June 26th, 2013, night time

PHIL: Hey there, hope you're having a good week! I'm seeing a play in [your neighborhood] on Saturday night, so am going to be in your neck of the woods that day in case you wanted to grab a coffee or something. Don't know if that would work for you, but thought I'd check.
ANGELA: I'm actually going to a party on Saturday night.
PHIL: I meant in the day/early eve. no good?
ANGELA: I'm at a bar and can't remember my schedule. I know I'm going to a play in [the mountains] at 2pm.

June 27th, 2013, morning

PHIL: Ok. When you get a sec can you pls let me know - if sat pm is no good for you ill play softball instead but need to RSVP in advance. Thx
ANGELA: I think I need a rain check.
ANGELA: But let's figure something out. Maybe weekend after next.
[Editor's note: this was my way of putting off seeing Phil until I was 100% done with Gus.]
PHIL: Ok. Here's the thing. i totally understand that you need time and space. but just so you know I can't do this limbo thing any more. I can't keep being strung along like this. If there's no chance of meaningful progression, for my own sanity I think I need to break all communication with you.
ANGELA: I don't know what to say.
ANGELA: I'm a mess right now. I've spent most of the week in tears, because of things happening in my life that I can't handle. And I have plans on Saturday, but even if I didn't, I'm not sure I have the fortitude to see you right now.
ANGELA: I care about you deeply, and I'm not sure what the future holds.
ANGELA: I just know that right now, I need to focus on getting my head on straight before anything else.
ANGELA: If you need to cut off communication with me, for your own sanity, I understand. Dan did that, too. He just unblocked me on Facebook after nearly 4 years.
PHIL: Thank you for being up front. I understand completely. I just needed to know where you were at. And that's completely understandable that you're in a fragile place and are nervous about seeing me. I'm going to send you an email with some of my thoughts, so you know where I'm at, and then I'm going to withdraw from contacting you completely for a while through email, text and Facebook. If and when you're ready to reach out, you know where I am. But that said, as a caveat to that, if you're having a really rough time, and if you really need me, I am here for you 100%. A problem shared is a problem halved. Just pick up the phone and call me. Ok?
ANGELA: Thanks.
ANGELA: I understand.

-----------------------


The same morning, I got an email from him. I can't post the whole thing, because it involves information about his work, and some personal things. But here's a reductive version that gives you what you need to know.




Hey. I'm sorry to hear that you've been suffering lately. This town does that to people. You are not alone in that, not by a long shot. It's been rough for me too recently.

[Two paragraphs on how work stuff is complicated. But he's being very upbeat about it.]

I'm also really focusing on the theatre side of things in a big way. Again, I wish you could be involved. I no longer care about us not working together - I wish I'd cast you in more stuff, because a) you're a great actor, and b) it would have made you happy, and that was more important than anything. I was an idiot. In this life, in this game, we have to help each other when we can.

We can't change the past, we can only learn from it, and that's what I've been trying to do with us, and with working on myself and improving myself, being honest about my flaws and failings and addressing them.

As I mentioned via text, I'm going to have to withdraw completely from communicating with you for a while. I really don't wish to get sucked into a destructive process of petty mindgames. This is simply too painful for me to continue down this path. I am in emotional limbo and I can't dealt with it.

I completely understand how you must feel after what's happened. Angry, betrayed, mistrustful, defiant, resistant...an overwhelming maelstrom of emotions. I completely get it. I understand that you do not wish to see me, and that are cautious, suspicious, even hateful etc. I get it. I won't ask to meet you again. You are not in the same place emotionally now. You need more time and space.

I'm not going to make excuses for what happened. I know you don't care. And I understand.

There is no excuse for what I did. There is a context and there are reasons, but there is no excuse. All I can say is that my world was turned upside down this year. In an insane period of extreme stress, upheaval and alienation, I made a hideous, unbearably regrettable error of judgement. I blamed my unhappiness on our relationship. Through a process of self-analysis and working on myself I subsequently identified the real reasons for my unhappiness and have worked to address those reasons. We had issues, sure, but nothing that couldn't be dealt with if my attitude was right. I was the real problem. My attitude. My behaviour.

For far too long I have allowed my mood and outlook to be dictated by external circumstances, instead of looking to the inside for emotional balance. I lost sight of what was truly important in life. Those we love. I had placed too much importance on my career and neglected your emotional needs. I have since learned a painful, but deeply valuable lesson, and one which I well never ever forget.

A person's career is just one facet of a person's existence. It cannot dictate one's mood and outlook in the way in has been doing for me. One needs to nourish, cherish and nurture the truly important things in one's life: our partner. Our family. These are constants in a world of uncertainty. This is what is truly important. To my everlasting regret, I lost sight of that during an extremely tumultuous period when I wasn't myself. Every day the regret eats away at me.

The experience has made me undergo a complete philosophical shift. A person's life needs to be more than just career validation, a nice car, money in the bank. That is an empty road to ruin. True fulfilment comes from a recognition of the emotional needs of those around us, those who are dear to us. Making others happy. Investing in another person. Helping them. Being there for them. Building something beautiful together.

Career is important. But people are more important. You are more important.

In our relationship, I let you down in a number of ways. I was critical. I was selfish. I was self-absorbed. I was insensitive. I was career obsessed. I didn't make enough time for you. I should have gone to San Francisco. I should have done a million things differently. I was not sensitive enough to your emotional needs. In hindsight, I realise the litany of terrible mistakes I made.

It may be too late now. These mistakes may have cost me the woman I love, forever. That is my fault. They are the consequences of my actions and I must accept them. I can only learn from them, and adjust my behaviour accordingly.

You are the most special woman I've ever met. I am still in love with you. You changed me. My life is diminished without you. Without your love, support, generosity of spirit, kindness, your eyes, musing skills, your smile...

There was so much about our relationship that was so wonderful. That's why I fought for it for so long despite impossible odds and obstacles. You are love to me.

I want to [list of things he wants to do with me that won't make sense to people other than us]. In this life and the next...I want to always have you by my side.

I have wanted to try and address our issues in a mature and constructive way. I do not want to resort to game-playing, provoking jealousy, cruel mind-tricks (however subtle) and such. I have no interest in any of that. Whatever happens, please let's not do that to each other.

I have been trying to come to you with an open heart, and with complete sincerity. Perhaps you are not ready. Perhaps you never will be now.

I now realize that I need to back off completely.

I do firmly believe that we can overcome our problems. [...]* This has happened to countless couples. It can make you so much stronger. [...]* It would be a completely new relationship. My attitude would be totally different. *[references to couples we know that broke up and got back together]

It's always been 0-100mph with us. We needed some real stability and consistency. I was too foolish to see that at the time. I was too stressed out to think straight. If only I could gotten through the eye of the storm. I was short-sighted and stupid.

I truly still believe there was a reason that we found each other in this world. There are too many [...] coincidences. Too much love between us. An ocean couldn't keep us apart for over two years.

[A reference to something he said in the first month we were dating that made me fall hard for him.]

In time, if you are ever ready, if you were to give us another chance, I would be approaching everything from a completely new angle, with a completely new philosophy. But the only way to find out if we can rebuild what was lost is to try.

My intentions are absolutely sincere. Words are not enough, I know that. If you were to give us a chance, I would show you with actions.

I cannot shake the feeling that we are meant to be together. My dreams of a future are with you. You are my seahorse.

I do not want to change you, criticize you, control you...I only want to love you.

And when and if you are ever ready, I would commit to you. I would prove my sincerity, not just say it.

But I know that's not what you want now. Or perhaps ever. You are probably not in that place any more, and I understand.

Therefore, this is the last time I am going to contact you, at least for a while. I cannot just be friends with you, at least not now. I feel like I have been getting mixed messages from you from some time (I understand, you are confused) but I cannot take it any more. As much as I love you, I am not going to be anyone's "reserve", be strung along, or wait on the bench. I wish I didn't have to back away. But I must protect myself.

I know that I can't just flip a switch, or wave a magic wand and make everything ok.

Unless we are moving towards a realistic possibility of reconciliation, however slow or delicate, I just can't be in contact with you, it is killing me. If you are serious about meeting me on a specific date, call me. Otherwise, please don't send me any more articles. Please don't text me. I can't be friends on facebook either I'm afraid, it's just too difficult.

(By the way, I'm not asking to jump in the deep end. I have only ever been asking for one date. Just one date. If you're ever ready, we could take things as slow as you want. I want to show and prove to you how I've changed, not just tell you.)

If you ever want to reach out to me in a meaningful way, you have my number, and you can call me any time. But otherwise I need us to stop communicating in this ambiguous way as it causing me too much pain.

I also need to delete your family and some of our mutual friends off facebook. Not because I don't love them, but because I DO love them, and it is too painful to be constantly reminded of what I have also lost.

You know where I'm at emotionally. My cards are on the table.

I love you with all my heart and soul. If you're really in trouble, I'm here for you 100% day or night. I can be your rock now, in the way you always were for me.

I need to say goodbye now, at least for a while. But if you're ever ready to talk/meet, just give me a call. And by the way, it doesn't have to be a big, heavy, emotional conversation/meet-up either. Let's just have fun. Let me make you happy again.

(PS I'm not expecting a reply, but if you could please let me know that you received this email, I would appreciate it - I've been having problems with my yahoo account recently. Thanks.)

Phil

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ANGELA: I received your email. I understand completely.
ANGELA: I'm sorry that I can't be more clear for you right now.
ANGELA: I'd explain further, but I feel that involving you in my current problems will only make things worse.
PHIL: Did I not just ask not to mindfuck me?
ANGELA: That wasn't my intention. I apologize. Goodbye.


-------------------------

He blocked me on facebook. And unfriended my brothers. I don't know who else.

I thought the email was lovely. It made my heart ache a little.

I sent the email to my mother. She said it was manipulative, and it only made her angrier with him. She says he's still making everything about himself.

It's hard. Because Phil doesn't know about Gus. He thinks that me not talking to him (and then sending him articles on the internet, and liking his facebook statuses) is me trying to win power in our relationship, and being angry at him for dumping me. But that's not it. I'm mostly past the anger there. It's that as part of the process of trying to move on, I found someone else. And now I'm being dumped *again*. And the last thing I need right now is to go on a coffee date with Phil.

And the thing is, there's part of me that wants him back. There is. I miss us.

But when I talk about him now, I can't help but remember all the stories of things that are less than positive. This morning (while talking to Gus), for example, I found myself talking about how I hadn't auditioned for some theatre companies that I would've loved to work with because Phil hadn't wanted me to be away from him while he was in the USA. I once totally threw a callback for something in North Carolina, because Phil was going to be in NYC at the same time as the rehearsal period, and he begged me not to go work with that company. And I mentioned that I had wanted to start watching a tv show that several of my friends love, but Phil thought it was stupid and mocked me for it.

Those stories just came up TODAY. But there are tons. And every time I mention Phil in one of these contexts, Gus just says something like, "Yeah, these stories you tell me don't make me like Phil..."

I know, in my head at least, that Phil is not the right person for me.

My heart, on occasion, has other whims.

And I won't lie to you; it's very possible that in a weak moment, in the aftermath of Gus, that I would've headed straight towards Phil's embrace, and tried to have been part of a couple again. Because in many ways, that would've been the easy choice. Go to someone who loves me and wants to be with me. Go back to something familiar and comfortable. Go, even though he's not what I really want.

But on Wednesday (the day I broke down in tears to Gus), a friend of mine and Phil's came over. I think I mentioned her... this is the girl who tried to convince me to get back together with Phil over the phone for an hour a few weeks back... (If I didn't... that's all you really need to know.)

Anyway. I told her about half of the Gus story, with her assurance that it wouldn't get back to Phil. She made me promise her that I wouldn't go back to him. Because, she said, it was clear that I would be going back to him for the wrong reasons. And it would only hurt both of us more in the end.

So that's why I decided not to try to see him today (it is Saturday as I'm writing this, and I'm sure he's in my part of town at this very moment, about to go see a play). Because I knew that I'd want to lean on him for support. And that I'd probably start dating him again (at least partially to piss off Gus, if I'm honest with myself). And I can't do that... Because I don't want to hurt him more.

I had to let him go.

And I *hate* it. I hate that he's blocked me on facebook. I hate that I don't know what he's doing at right this very minute. I hate that he thinks I've been trying to mess with his mind all those times I sent him articles that made me think of him.

And I hate that I'm in pain, and I can't talk to him. Because for three years, when I was in pain, he was the first -- and often only -- person I talked to.

And then Gus became my best friend for awhile.

And now...


---------------------------------


As of the Fourth of July, I will officially be 100% independent again. And I won't lie to you; I'm terrified of that. I hopped into stuff with Gus right after Phil. If not romantically, then at least emotionally. Less than a week after things with Phil ended, Gus became my closest confidant. And so, in that way at least, I'm not sure I was ever really alone.

And I'm about to be.

I'm a serial monogamist without a relationship.

I'm a hard-worker without a job.

I'm miserable when I'm alone, and I'm useless when I'm idle.

And I'm afraid that my whole world is about to fall apart.

I wish I could be more excited about heading into this unknown space again, but that's not where I am.





Wish me luck.

~A~

The Probable End of the Gus Saga

So, as you know, Gus and I have been quietly, casually dating since the first week of May.

I probably like him more than I should. But he's the nicest, kindest, most compassionate person I've ever dated. He actually puts my well-being ahead of his own, regularly. I'm not used to that, and it's great. And he's sweet to me. He has told me that sometimes my beauty takes him by surprise, and that it's like my features were carved from Grecian marble, and he gasps, and wonders how he got so lucky.

---------------------------------

I went away for a couple of weeks. To Connecticut, and New York, and Chicago. And I took some time away from my life. And I lived in a little world of freedom and fantasy for a bit, and it was lovely. And exactly what I needed.

And I came back. And once I got here, I realized that I really cared about Gus. And I really wanted to commit to him and make things work with him.

I told him that, on Monday when I got back from Chicago. He seemed happy. And surprised. And excited. And worried.

"I'm afraid I'm going to hurt you," he said.

"What, like imminently? Like, tonight? Or by the end of the week?"

"That's not what I meant."

"Gus, every relationship I've ever been in has ended. All but one were ended by the other person. If at some point you dump me, I'm sure I'll survive. But right now, I'm really happy. So unless you're going to dump me imminently, let's do this."

He smiled and agreed

----------------------------------

Last Wednesday night (two days after I got back into town), under the stars, we went hiking up some mountain in Brentwood or Pacific Palisades or somewhere. We stared over desolation, seeing the city sparkling in the distance. And he got all serious, and turned to me to speak, but couldn't look me in the eye...

He said there's this girl that he was in love with years ago. And they've had kind of an on-and-off thing for three years, mostly off, because she was living in New York and they just couldn't deal with long distance.

Wednesday morning, after two years of saying she was going to move to Los Angeles to be with him, she bought a plane ticket. She said she's just coming for the summer, but it's a one-way ticket. He thinks she might be The One (my words, not his), and he doesn't want us to overlap. He says he cares too much about both of us, and it wouldn't be fair to anyone. He said it would be unrealistic for him to expect that nothing would happen between the two of them, and he doesn't want to hurt me.

He decided to break up with me, in order to try to pursue something with her.

If he didn't try with her, he'd always wonder.

I didn't know exactly how to respond when he told me. I asked him how long I had with him until she got here. Two weeks. She arrives on the Fourth of July. I didn't want to let him go. So, for those next two weeks, I told him I wanted to stay together. Because I'm not ready for this to be over yet. Even though I know that's probably a self-destructive choice.

He said, "Really? You know this is pretty much the best way this could have possibly gone for me." And that was that.

So we agreed. We'd keep dating for the next two weeks. And then, when she arrives, we're through.

And the Fourth of July will truly be my Independence Day. In the most depressing way yet.

-----------------------------------

The first couple of days, though my heart was a little sore, this plan was working just fine.

He avoided telling me about her, and I avoided asking. I didn't want my last days with him to be him thinking about someone else. Or defending her. Or telling me all the reasons that she's better for him than me, and remembering how much he cares for her.

We stayed up late on Wednesday night. We hung out again on Thursday night. On Friday afternoon we went to a movie (Monsters University, which I actually really enjoyed).

Saturday, I threw a small garden party in my backyard (long story). The original plan was that Gus would come to the party late and be the last one to leave. I was surprised when he showed up early into the party, looking weirdly stoic.

He said he felt sick. He was convinced he was getting an upper respiratory or sinus infection of some sort, and he couldn't stay long. I told him he needn't have come, and should be in bed, resting. "I didn't want to disappoint you," he said. I looked for my Mucinex for him, but I'd had a few drinks by that point, and I'd cleaned for the party and had no idea where anything might be.

A few of our mutual friends from the theatre company attended. And, as a result, Gus kept his distance from me at the party. It's silly, really. We kept our relationship a secret from them all through the show. And that day, we should've finally been able to stop keeping it a secret... But it just felt like there was no point. Not when we would be ending things in a week and a half.

He was one of the last to leave, but he left before we could talk. Without even a good hug. And I don't remember seeing him smile at me the whole time. 

------------------------------------

Sunday, I had an audition right by Gus's apartment. Literally a 2-minute drive away, according to my GPS. If you have any idea how massive Los Angeles is, that's just insanely close. Could've walked from one to the other.

So I packed up some things. Dayquil and Nyquil. Mucinex and Mucinex-DM. Sleepytime Sinus Soother tea. Minestrone soup. Cranberry juice, strawberries, and a couple of beers leftover from the party. I texted him saying I was going to be right by his place, and would drop off a care package.

And what happened next is difficult to explain in blog form... just know that it felt more insane than the following...

He gave me a, "You're so sweet, you don't have to do that," kind of response. I said it was no trouble. He gave me a, "That's really not necessary, but how nice of you," kind of response. I said it was just some stuff from around my house. He said, "I'm leaving at 2pm, so you probably wouldn't get here before I left," and I said, "No problem, I'm super early, so I'll just swing by before the audition." Then he was like, "I'M SEEKING CARE ELSEWHERE. Sorry for the caps, but sometimes when someone says, "No, thank you," you can take them at their word."

Huh? I don't understand boys.

So I called. I said look, if you don't want me to come by, that's fine, just say so. But you're being less clear than you think you are."

He said he didn't look sexy. I offered to leave the bag on his porch, knock, and leave.

He said to come on over.

*shrugs*

When I got there, he gave me one of the biggest, longest hugs ever.

What was this? Did he feel guilty? Did he need comforting? Was he just sick and irritable? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

So after unpacking the bag of goodies, and getting a ton of thanks, and another long hug, I went to the audition.

And then I wrote a text message novel.

: You don't have to be afraid of hurting me. Especially not now.

: My audition is over, and I considered coming over to try to talk again, but I know you are trying to get on the road, so I won't.

: You've said that when things end with you and women, it's often because of things that have nothing to do with you.

: I wonder if you seek out women with issues like this so that you can avoid feeling rejected. Because it's not about you when they leave; it's about them.
: And I think maybe it makes you uncomfortable to be separating yourself from me, a person who is accepting you.

: I don't want you to feel guilty.

: I wanted to do something nice for you today. And I'm still not sure why that made you react the way you did.

: But it was something I wanted to do. Not something I felt obligated to do. Not something I did to try to win your love.

: It was no trouble. And there was no ulterior motive.

: You're my friend. You're sick. I care about you.

: I have gone to houses of sick friends, made them soup and tea, and left them to rest and recover. It makes me feel better knowing that I've tried to help.

: So thank you, for accepting a little help, albeit reluctantly.

: It was nice to hold you.

: I hope you feel better soon.

He wrote...

:Thank you. Talk soon.

I don't understand boys.

------------------------------

Monday he went to see the doctor, who gave him six weeks worth of giant pills and told him not to kiss anyone for two days.

I met him at an IHOP between the end of his work and the beginning of my improv class.

We had a lovely time. It was fun. We laughed. He was a little sick, but still very Gus-like. And I loved it.

------------------------------

Tuesday was the day I had a freaking meltdown. A guy friend of mine who is trying to woo me called me crying about something traumatic in his day, and I calmed him down. Naturally, when he called me back to thank me and tell me how much I'd helped, I felt it was my turn. And I friend-zoned him SO HARD.

I started crying about Gus. About so many things.

And then another one of my potential suitors called, and he got the friend-zone weepies, too.

And they both told me the same thing:

YOU HAVE TO STOP SEEING HIM.

Two reasons:

1. The longer I date Gus, the more attached to him I'll become, and the more difficult my Independence Day will be.

2. Leaving him now, before she arrives, will somehow make him realize how much he wants to be with me and will make him want me more.

I told them both I was going to ignore their advice. While fully knowing, of course, that they were right. Even if they were giving the advice from a place of, "Leave him to date me!"

--------------------------------

Wednesday we met for lunch right by his office. And it was a lovely lunch. Very fun.

He'd had the first rehearsal for his play the night before. The play that I wanted to be in, but that he didn't cast me in. (He told me that I didn't have enough seniority in the theatre company, and that he'd had to cast people who had been in more shows with them already.) He said that the massive cast was all there but one person, and how amazing that was, because it's so hard to coordinate schedules of actors in non-paying theatre. I asked who missed it, and he said, "Some bitch."

And I don't know why... but something clicked. And I knew.

"You cast her in your show, didn't you?"

That girl who got away. The one who is coming from across the country to be with him. He put her in his play.

He didn't try to deny it. He said that someone else had turned down a role, and he'd offered it to her, as she was "going to be here anyway." And by that point, he said, he thought it would have been weird to cast me, what with us breaking up so that he could be with her.

"I'm not sure I can go see your show now. I'm going to know it's her. And I'm just going to be thinking about it the whole time."

"No you won't," he said. "Three of the girls in the cast haven't worked with us before, so you won't know which she is. It'll be fine."

So that seniority excuse for not casting me was a total lie.

I told him I thought we should stop seeing each other. That this was too difficult for me.

"No," he said, "I don't accept that. I don't think that's wise. Obviously we should keep seeing each other."

He gave me a bunch of reasons. But none of them very good.

He told me that his whole life, his relationships with women have been a disaster. They always leave him. They never last. He hasn't had a girlfriend since he was a junior in college.

"And now, the two least likely things in the universe have happened at the same time. One, I'm dating a girl whom I really like who also really likes me. And two, the girl of my dreams is coming to be with me."

He sees it as a lose-lose. And he's not sure he's making the right decision. But he's known her for three years, and he said that as a cold, mathematical decision, he feels that she outranks the girl he's know for three months.

And I get it. I do. 

And I do have to commend him for being classy. For telling me upfront. For not just lying to me and saying, "this isn't working," when clearly it is. For not leaving me once she was here and decided to try things with him for real.

We left it ambiguous.

And I felt lousy.

So I went to karaoke with three of our mutual friends. And this girl came up.

As it turns out, they know all about her, and her backstory with Gus. Apparently she's also choreographing the show. And he's been saying she might come out here for awhile. And none of them thought anything about that was weird, because none of them knew that he and I were dating.

I was livid. And I burst into tears in the middle of the karaoke contest. And I broke down and told them all the truth.

We've been dating since the first week of May. And I'm crazy about him. And he's breaking up with me for this girl. And he told me I could be in his play, but must've changed his mind when she told him she was available to choreograph it.

And they were all shocked.

And they were all furious.

There is, of course, far more to this story than I feel comfortable putting on the internet. But trust me when I say that last night, Gus turned into the villain of this tale.

As I went up on stage for my last song at the karaoke competition, I announced on the mic that not only had I just been dumped, but that I'd found out the guy I'd been dating had been lying to me. A handful of singers from other acts came up on stage to be my back-up dancers. All the men took off their shirts. Each judge can award 1-10 points. Judge #1 gave me a 10. Judge #2 gave me a 20. And Judge #3 stripped naked and held his sign in front of his junk, saying I was the sexiest thing he'd ever seen, and a damn fine karaoke performer, and that no guy should have hurt me like that... and gave me a 70. 100 points out of a possible 30, and I set a new record at that karaoke contest. My trophy was a bong, which I have no idea how to use and will probably end up being a prop at a theatre someday. But at least I got a win out of the day, right?

Gus was staying at his parents' house last night. Thank God. Because otherwise, I might've driven to his apartment in the dark, banged on his door, and demanded an explanation then.

As it was, I had to convince myself not to send a long, angry email.

I started drafting one just to get things out of my system... at three in the morning...

Dear Gus,

I would like to make the following points:

- A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. You have me. She's a risk. You're an idiot.

- You lied to me. I know she's your choreographer. I know you cast her. And I know you knew she was coming out here long before you told me, and long before I fell for you as hard as I now have.

- I'm not sure I can express right now how much you've hurt me. And damaged me. Because if I had baggage before (with trusting men and fearing abandonment), you've just upped that exponentially.

- I thought you were a good guy. I really did. Congratulations, you're a much better actor than I gave you credit for.

- Does she even know about me? Does she know that you're hurting someone who is kind and cares about you?

- Why was it such a point of controversy about whether I should be in your show, but it's no big deal in your mind for her to be in it?

- I've been sad in break-ups before, but I don't remember ever being this angry.

- Do you have any idea how much I've cared about you? And wanted to be with you? And tried to temper my feelings for you, because somehow I knew this was going to happen? But then I came back from Chicago and thought, "No, I really like him. I really trust him. I'm happy. This is going to work."

- Why did you want to hide me from everyone? Is it because you knew long ago that you were going to dump me when she got here? And you didn't want to look like the bad guy? Guess what, Gus: you are the bad guy.

- What are you going to tell your mother? Are you going to tell her that you are the villain in this?

- I hope she hurts you far more than you hurt me.

But that seemed too harsh. And a little crazy. And I knew it was a bad idea to write while I was angry and tired.

I tried again.

Dear Gus,

I know we said I might see you after your rehearsal tonight, but I'm not sure whether I have the strength to see you. My head is swimming right now. Of course, it's also three in the morning. But in this moment, I am confused, and hurt, and feeling used. I know in my heart that you are a good person, and someone I have wanted badly to be with. And I feel lost and conflicted. I'd like to talk to you in person, but...

And then I came to my senses, closed my laptop, and went to sleep.

---------------------------------

ANGELA: I'd like to see you today, daytime, and sit down and talk.

GUS: I'm in the same sitch as yesterday... Can you come [near my work]?

ANGELA: Yes.

GUS: 1?

ANGELA: Sure.

GUS: Super -- cya then

ANGELA: Warning: there's a very good chance I'm going to get emotional.

GUS: I inferred that with my powers.

ANGELA: I know she's your choreographer.

ANGELA: And I know you wanted... [a couple of other things that are weird out of context]

GUS: "Wanted"? Where are these hard facts coming from?

ANGELA: I thought I'd try to give you the benefit of the doubt and let you explain, in case the "hard facts" are indeed not so hard.

ANGELA: You must've known she was coming before you told me.

GUS: Not true.

ANGELA: Alright, tell me over lunch.

GUS: I told you it had been in the air forever. She booked her trip, I told you.

GUS: 99% of men would not have been as honest with you as I was/am, and I'm not really interested in walking into some kind of ambush.

ANGELA: I'm not interested in ambushing you. If I were, I wouldn't have given you a heads up via text.

ANGELA: I'm still crazy about you.

ANGELA: I know you're a good person. And I know you actually care about the well-being of others.

ANGELA: Which is why I'm so confused by the information I was given last night. And why I want to know the truth, from you.

GUS: "I told you it had been in the air forever. She booked her trip, I told you."

GUS: That's where it starts and ends.

ANGELA: If I didn't care about you as much as I do, this wouldn't matter.

ANGELA: But it seems I am more fond of you than you are of me.
GUS: Stop it.

We met. We spoke for two hours, even though his lunch break is only one, and there was no lunch eaten. We met by the bleachers next to a baseball diamond in the park. I got a parking ticket, adding to my fantastic streak of luck.

And the thing is...

I can't stay angry at him. Because I actually do really want to be with him.

And I know that I shouldn't be sitting around, willing to be strung along. Waiting on the back burner. Available to be someone's silver medal.

But this is where I am. It's pathetic. But for some reason, I can't stop myself from clinging to him. And I HATE THAT.

And I got this whole long email from Phil today, and I can't even GET INTO that, because I'm still dealing with this. One boy problem at a time.

I'm going over to his apartment tonight to talk more. I really don't think anything besides talking is going to happen. And I anticipate more tears.

But I wouldn't be crying if he didn't matter this much to me, right?

I just feel awful.

I feel discarded. Again.

I hate men.

And I hate myself for falling for ones who, for whatever reason, can't love me the way I deserve to be loved.

~A~

My Cute Silent Short Film That You Should Watch

Enjoy!

The Character Breakdown

Gus wrote a play. And is going to be directing it.

As an excuse for our first non-date, he told me that he thought I'd be good for it.

He asked me to do a reading of it one night, which I turned down, because I had work. In retrospect, totally should have done it. But I didn't want to miss out on a day of work, when I knew I'd have to take off a few for the performances of the play I was in...

And also, part of the reason I didn't do it, being honest, was because I knew Gus was interested in me. And I didn't want to go out of my way to do something for him. Because as studies have shown, the more nice things you do for someone, the more you like them... and I knew I was vulnerable to being interested in him. I was trying so hard not to fall for Gus.

Anyway.

The auditions are this weekend. While I'm out of town. At one point, Gus said we could work it out so that I could audition another time. Maybe before I left. Maybe once I returned.

We never worked that out.

And then we've had a few, "Is this a bad idea?" conversations.

And yes, honestly, it very well could be.

But I want to be in it. A lot.

And the way I left things with him was:
1. I acknowledge this might be a terrible idea.
2. I think I want to do it anyway.
3. I leave it up to you.
(and a bonus, because I'm a controlling yet sensitive freak who felt the need to specify this)
4. If you decide not to cast me, regardless of the actual reason, please tell me it's because you're worried it would be too weird, and not because I'm, like, wrong for the role or something.


Honestly, I shouldn't have said that last part. I'm like 95% sure that would, in fact, be the reason if I'm not cast.



The theatre company sent out a character breakdown to the actors on their mailing list. I got it yesterday in my email when I turned my phone back on after touching down at JFK. And the company put it on Actors Access, which is a big self-submission site for actors. And I'm sure that at this moment, they are being positively inundated with requests from people to audition. Because the play sounds awesome. And because there are SO. MANY. ACTORS. in Los Angeles.


And I just want to be among them.


There are 5-7 female roles (two are non-specified). I'm probably good for two of the roles... maybe three.



Last night, I sent Gus a text message.

ANGELA: [Play] breakdown.
ANGELA: Do you want me to submit? And if so, for whom?
ANGELA: If I didn't know you, and I just saw the breakdown, I'd probably submit for [antagonist].
GUS: Hey! Sorry, out -- let's talk tomorrow :)


So it's tomorrow. It rolled around to noon his time, 3:00pm my time.

And then I noticed...


If you read the part of yesterday's post that was in brackets, I mentioned that there's a dude in the theatre company who is kind of a dick? And I might have screwed up my standing with the company because I told people that he's kind of a dick?

Yeah, that guy put something on facebook about how in a few hours (and this was a few hours ago), he's going to start looking at something to do with casting. So I went back to the character breakdowns, and he's listed as the "Casting Director" for Gus's play.

Yikes.



Now, I know, realistically, that Gus has more say in this casting process than anyone else. I know that me getting cast or not cast is really Gus's decision and no one else's.


But this guy and I are oil and water, and he's a stickler for rules. And as soon as I saw that, I thought, well, drat, I'd better submit.

And Gus *might* call me on his lunch break, but is probably not going to call me until after he gets out of work, at which point I'll be at a dinner party that I'm being dragged to by my parents... at which point, it might be too late...


So I did it. I submitted for the antagonist, with a note reminding them that I can't be at the audition this weekend.


I justified it by thinking, if this were any other theatre company, I would have submitted. If anyone else in this theatre company were directing it, I would have submitted. And the only reason I hesitated was because of my present undefined relationship with Gus, which the rest of the company is supposed to be unaware of, so the choice to not submit is actually stranger than the choice to submit. Especially if I end up being able to audition. Less fishy this way... I think.



I hope Gus isn't mad. What if I submitted for the wrong character?



Well, I guess that just gives him another excuse not to cast me. And maybe it's better if he doesn't.


But damn, I realized while writing this how badly I want to be in this show.

Because I know it's going to be a good show, with a company I like, and with a writer/director I trust. And I know it's going to get good press, and I could get a role that's good for me. And it'll be fun.


And, weirdly, I think I prioritize all of that above whatever this relationship with Gus is... Because I know it's not really anything. Does that make sense, or is this screwed up logic?




A different theatre company offered me membership yesterday. I'm looking into it. But they have monthly dues, which I'm kind of against. I've been in a "pay-to-play" company before, and it was so not worth it to me. There's got to be another way.

But at least I have that to fall back on, I guess. Except that they want an answer ASAP. So right now, I'm writing to people who are friends with members on Facebook, and asking their opinions on the company's reputation. So far, the responses have been positive... except for a couple of "pay-to-plays suck and actors should respect themselves more than that" sorts of comments.




I'll let you know what happens.



---------------------------------


Gah, I am a drama queen. This is not a big deal, probably, to any of you reading it. And you're probably all just like, "There are other plays. Just go be in a different play."

But see, when you start getting in with a theatre company, you want to continue that relationship. Because you have no idea how difficult it is to get involved with a theatre company from the outside. The last play I was in, I was LITERALLY the ONLY person who was cast just because I walked in off the street and got an audition. EVERY OTHER PERSON had worked with the director before, and all but one had worked IN THAT THEATRE COMPANY before. It was a massive stroke of luck and good timing that I got in (and, according to Gus, had something to do with the fact that one of the other founding members of the company thought I was cute and said, "That Angela seemed good... we should cast her...", leading Gus to tease him about having a crush on me... And then they cast me. And then, weirdly, Gus made a play for me and the other guy didn't. *shrugs*)


So the pros list is this:

1. Get to do another show with a great theatre company with a good reputation that does a lot of Shakespeare, thinks I'm a great actress, and might allow me to do some really cool roles in the future.
2. Get to be in the world premiere of a play by a playwright whose last new play got stellar reviews.
3. Work with people I really like (because I'm sure some of the casting will be internal, quite like their last show).
4. Be in a show, which gives my life a sense of structure again (as I am, at present, still unemployed) and my soul a sense of artistic purpose.
5. Get a regular excuse to see Gus in a way that (in my mind) actually takes pressure off of our relationship (because it's a professional environment, and no one knows we're dating, and we'd probably keep it that way... so we'd have to be very chill, low-key, and not obvious about things).
6. It would be a union show, so I'd get a (very, very minuscule) stipend for being in it. (I think it's literally like $9 per performance or something... Which would be the first time I would have been paid to do theatre since 2008, when I was getting $20 per show for Tony 'n' Tina's Wedding in Chicago... By the way, don't go into show business for the money, guys.)


And the cons list:

1. If things go wrong with Gus, the show gets more awkward. (But only during the rehearsal process... Directors generally end up more absent during the course of the actual performances.)
2. If things go wrong with the show, things get more complicated with Gus (but whatever, things are already complicated with Gus).
3. It prevents me from acting in other things.
4. It means when I get a job, it's better if it's a job that is a 9-to-5, as opposed to a "stand-in with crazy hours" sort of thing... But honestly, that's true of any play that I might end up in.





Okay, it's now 2pm Gus's time, and 5pm my time... which means he didn't call me on his lunch break. I wonder if he'll call me at all.

*sigh*


~A~

Drama Queen

--------------------------------------------

Wednesday was June 5th. It would have been my three-year anniversary with Phil. In any case, it was the three-year anniversary of the day we met. We met up for coffee for an hour. No tears on either side. It was the first time since he dumped me (April 2nd) that we've had a conversation that he made it through without crying.

And it was good. It almost felt like maybe there was hope of us someday being friends.

Except for the fact that he has said he doesn't want to be friends. He wants me back. He says it's either/or.

------------------------------------------

Friday, Gus and I planned to see Joss Whedon's "Much Ado About Nothing" in the evening. I got a giftcard to a fancy movie theatre from the lead actor on my tv show as a wrap gift (lovely guy), so the actor paid (which was I guess my way of paying Gus back for the "Before Midnight" tickets.

In the morning, on my way to a meeting with an agent, I got into a car accident. Very, very minor. No damage to either car (like I said, very minor). But I was shaken up by the whole thing. And all I could think of was how the last time I'd gotten into a minor accident, I'd gotten into a more major one within 36 hours of it. And then I was freaked out about driving.

But I ended up being near Gus (in the valley) around 2:30pm. I called him up, and told him I had an errand to run, but that I didn't want to go all the way back to my place (40 minutes away) and then drive back to the valley (driving didn't seem appealing after the accident, although it never does)... I said if it were no trouble, I'd rather just go to his place at 3:30 or 4:00... but that if he were still working, I could try to make it later.

At first he seemed hesitant, probably because he didn't like the idea of me throwing a wrench in his plans. But then he said to come over after the errands.

He also said that he wanted to get a lot done the next day, so, "I'm not sure if you should crash here tonight. Or if you do, be prepared for me to kick you out early so that I can get some stuff done." I told him that was fine by me, and that I didn't really need to stay the night.

I texted from my errands at 3:30, saying, "It'll probably be more like 4:30". He wrote "Nooooo". So I rushed through what I was doing, and got there at 4:15. At which time I realized I hadn't eaten since a bagel at breakfast time, and was super hungry. Gus wanted to hang out for awhile, but I needed food quickly. So we walked to sketchy Mexican place down the street.

You all know I have food issues right now. And part of that is that sometimes I forget to eat. And sometimes food is disgusting. And sometimes I eat way too much. So of course, I ate too much and then felt ill. But Gus doesn't like knowing that I have mystery pain, so I didn't tell him.

I also didn't tell him most of the drama of the day. Like that I now have an agent in LA, but am not sure that's a good thing. Or that The Filmmaker, after blocking me on Facebook for most of the last three years, became my Facebook friend again that day, and has been married for over a year now. Or that I feel like a terrible person because I'm leaving town for a week and I don't want to be, because I'm selfish and horrible. And that I felt weird guilt about Bill, even though I didn't really need to. And that two of the guys who have been pursuing me asked me out anew. All of this heightened by that whole car accident whatnot, and feeling like a terrible driver, even though the accident was not in anyway my fault, and my defensive driving was what prevented it from being worse than it was.

(Not wanting to be one who kisses and tells, but feeling it is important to the story... between dinner and heading to the movies, Gus and I had one of the most passionate and sexiest make-out sessions of my life.)

Then (interrupting the make-out session... as though it was weighing heavily on his mind and he couldn't bear to not say anything for one second more) Gus decided to tell me that I'd made a sort of social faux pas with the theatre company (which Gus is one of the founders of) and the head of the theatre company is annoyed with me, and that I should try to clear that up (in a way that didn't let the head of the company know that Gus had told me, both because then it would make the effort to apologize seem less genuine, and because it would fuel speculation that something might be happening between Gus and me).

That only made everything worse.

[In case you're curious, although none of this is vital information:

Basically, one of the other founders of the theatre company is a dick. And has been a dick to me repeatedly. And I mentioned some of his dick-ish behavior to the head of the theatre company privately on the day of closing. Also, one of the nice girls in the company is being emotionally yanked around by the dick (and all the girls in the cast, who also all think he's a dick, are trying to get her to have some self-respect and get out of the situation), so in a group setting, I relayed a string of stories of this guy being a total dick to me, mostly for the benefit of this girl, who needs to be talked out of him.

Anyway.

The head of the theatre company told Gus he felt that if this were something I were bringing up to him privately, then it was not something I should be sharing en masse.

Yes, I feel terrible. I actually felt terrible while I was doing it at the party. Because I'm not usually a gossip or a s***-talker, but I had a bee in my bonnet about this dude. And I felt horrible already for what I had said (even though every single thing I said was factual and not exaggerated), because it's not something I would usually do.

But knowing that the head of the theatre company -- whom I enjoy and respect -- thinks ill of me as a result? Yeah, that made me feel like a horrible human being.

And the fact that it was upsetting Gus enough that he would interrupt an awesome make-out session to tell me about it? Made me feel twice as lousy.]

As we drove to the theatre, I felt myself withdrawing. And my stomach pain getting worse, as it often does with stress. He kept asking what was wrong. I'd say I didn't want to talk about it. He looking at me with so much concern, taking my hand in his as he drove. And that silent compassion was so wonderful in that moment. But I could see his frustration with the situation.

Gus says he's not a natural caregiver, but that's not it. He desperately wants to give care. His frustration comes from the times when he is not able to do so.

I told him that I felt vulnerable, and that I wanted to stay over at his place. He asked why, and I said I didn't want to be alone that night. He said we'd discuss it later.

When we got to the movie theatre, the next two shows were sold out, so we had to waste some time. Gus wanted to walk around a nearby massive music and movies store. I had no desire to buy anything, and really just wanted to sit down, but felt like I couldn't tell him that.

We went and got hot chocolate and coffee, and split a giant chocolate-chip-rice-krispie-treat cookie. And I told him the same thing I always tell him. That I'm sorry that I'm such a mess. But this time I added in something else: I don't want to tell him all the drama going through my head, because I know it's fleeting, and the land of the drama is not a place where I want to live. And I'm worried it's going to scare him off. And I need him right now, and I don't want to get all heavy and dramatic and scare him off.

We went and saw the movie. And cuddled. And, even though "Much Ado About Nothing" was a lovely little film, I fell half-asleep about eight times, resting my head on Gus's left shoulder.

I also fell half-asleep in the car on the way back to his place, while debating with myself about whether I think Gus is an extrovert or an introvert. I came to no conclusion.

When we got back to his place, he stopped his car next to mine and asked if I'd left anything upstairs. I said that I wanted to stay. By that point, I was too tired to drive half an hour home. Especially having been in an accident that day. I didn't want to fall asleep on the road. He said, "How can I ever trust you, if you said you didn't need to stay over tonight, and now you're trying to stay over? My whole day tomorrow is going to be ruined if you stay the night." I said I'd be happy to sleep on the floor. Or to wake up and leave at 5am. But that I was in no condition to drive home.

I climbed the stairs to his place, aware of his disdain. I laid down on the floor, at which point he said, "Oh, stop being a martyr," and told me to sleep on the bed next to him. I spent the night pressed against the wall, afraid to touch him or disturb his sleep. He got up at one point in the middle of the night, and when I tried to cuddle him, he shoved me away.

I woke up a little before 9am and left, with Gus still sleeping.

I got home, and wrote him an email (because I worried a text might wake him):

"Thanks for letting me crash. I tried to not be too much of a bother. I was way too tired to drive home safely last night. I really would have been fine sleeping on the floor.

I hope you slept well despite my unwanted presence, and can have a stressless and fruitful day."

Two hours later, this was his response:

No text. Just that picture.

I spent the whole morning feeling like he was being kind of a dick. And most of the afternoon, too. And then, upon reflection, I realized that he probably thought I was a crazy, selfish, emotional nightmare.

AND I AM.

*sigh*

In the morning, I texted:

ANGELA: ?

ANGELA: Not sure I understand the email.

ANGELA: By the way, I texted [head of company] re:[dick]. He wrote back. I think/hope we're cool. Still feel bad about it."

He wrote back an hour later.

GUS: Cool -- ill try to bring it up on the DL w him at some point

We were supposed to see two plays by his theatre company as part of the Hollywood Fringe Festival that night. But then he wrote me that he had been invited to a fancy and important industry event. So I had to go to the plays alone. Not a big deal…

Except that I knew that I was leaving. For a week. Monday through Friday in Connecticut. Friday through Monday in Chicago.

(Which also means me missing the auditions for the play Gus wrote… The one that he said he wanted me to be in, which was the whole excuse for our first non-date.)

So I texted him.

ANGELA: Do you think I'll get to see you again before I leave [for a week] on Monday?

GUS: Hurm. Dunno, come to think of it...

ANGELA: Bummer.
ANGELA: Look, I'm sorry about last night.

ANGELA: I have fun with you, and I think you're great.

ANGELA: I said some things that put you in a weird position.

ANGELA: I'm not looking for you to save me or fix me.

ANGELA: I don't really want to leave for a week on this note.

GUS: I dont really know what to say, hun.

ANGELA: Fair enough.

GUS: You seem to be looking really hard for something, and i dont know if i have it.

GUS: What are you doing right now? Should we phone?

ANGELA: Give me five?

Five minutes later… I started the call as a happy, peppy person, trying to prove something to him or myself.

He said that he felt that I was too histrionic for him to handle. I’m paraphrasing, but his sentiments were something along the lines of, “When you got to my place, you were hungry, but it was like, ‘Oh my God, if I don’t have food right now, I’m gonna die.’ And then we ate, and you were like, ‘Oh my God, I ate too much and I feel horrible.’ Then on the way to the theatre you were acting all weird and like, ‘I’m dealing with tons of shit, but you can’t know about it, so I’m just going to sit here and noticeably suffer.’ Then in the movie store, ‘I’m in so much pain and I don’t want to be here.’ Then in the coffee shop, ‘Don’t leave me!’ Then after the movie, ‘If I go home right now I’m going to fall asleep at the wheel and DIE!’ And then, ‘I’m going to sleep on the floor like a martyr.’ It just felt like everything was the biggest deal in the world to you. And I think you need someone who lives like that, and that’s not how I live at all.”

On my end of the phone, there was some eye-rolling happening, because that’s not exactly how things went down. But I understood his point. I also pointed out that by using phrases like, “If you stay over tonight, tomorrow will be ruined for me,” and “How can I ever trust you again,” he might have been a little more dramatic than he intended.

He said, “It was just that I was expecting you to go home, and then that’s not what happened. The last we’d talked about it, at like two in the afternoon, you said you were fine not spending the night. And that’s what I had mentally prepared for.”

“I was under the impression that it was fine if I stayed the night, so long as I left early. If I’d known it were going to be a problem, I would’ve told you that delaying the movie by two hours was going to be too late for me, and gone home then.”

“Oh. Ah. I’m sorry… I guess I didn’t communicate what I needed clearly. I’m sorry. That’s… That’s my fault.”

We ended the conversation in a good place, actually. Each saying that we were glad we talked. He said, “I feel so much better. Thank you.” “Me, too.” Although immediately after saying those words, I thought, well, not really.

I guess I felt better about ending things on a note of, “Okay, we’re cool,” instead of the place of “Here’s a picture of Jesus on the cross, sent in a mocking fashion.”

But I hated the idea of being a drama queen. Of course, I had to mute my emotions on the phone call so as not to lend evidence to his case.

Am I a drama queen? Absolutely. Every one of you reading my blog knows that. I feel everything. Deeply. I overthink everything. Painfully. I am full of exposed nerves, a side-effect from being in a profession in which being vulnerable and reacting immediately to the world around me is a valued attribute. It’s not easy to turn that off.

I believe I’ve said this before, but I think part of the reason actors live in a heightened state of emotion (seriously, like 90% of us do) is because the things we’re acting are constantly there (you wouldn’t watch acting if it weren’t, because what would be the point of watching a story with no dramatics?), and so that becomes a baseline of what it takes for us to feel.

And (did I say this before? I think maybe I’ve said this part before, too… Why am I always repeating myself?) it’s a little like the “Once More with Feeling” musical episode of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” Buffy (the vampire slayer, guys) has started sleeping with Spike (a vampire). We don’t know why at the start of the episode. It seems like such a strange and backwards choice. Then she sings,

“I touch the fire and it freezes me.

I look into it and it’s black

Why can’t I feel?
My skin should crack and feel.

I want the fire back.”

And one of the very last lines of the episode is her singing,

“This isn’t real,

But I just want to feel.”

And then she kisses him, knowing how wrong it seems.

And we get it.

Sometimes, I think that’s where I am right now.

Gus isn’t “the one”, although I don’t really believe in such things anyway. I’m not going to end up with him. This is not some big love story. This is fated to end… probably badly.

But when I’m with him, I feel good. (And here comes the drama queen) I feel something other than isolation, sadness, pain, and worthlessness.

If Gus weren’t around, I’d be in a very bad place, indeed. And I HATE. HATE. HATE being that dependent on another person. Especially one whom I know is in my life temporarily.

--------------------------------

I called my parents on Sunday morning. I may have done some crying. I told them nearly everything (as I almost always do). They freaked out at the, “Gus sent me a picture of Jesus on the cross,” part of the story, and told me to drop him like a hot potato.

I told them that I just really wanted to see him before I left for CT for a week. That I didn’t want the last time I saw him before being gone to be me sneaking out of his apartment as he slept. They said to let it go.

But I had an audition in the valley, where he lives. And my brother said to just tell Gus I was going to be near him, and say look, if you want to hang out, I’m near. If not, whatever. So I did.

And he did want to hang out.

And we got frozen yogurt (for which he insisted on paying) And we talked. And it was fun again. Like, really fun.

And then I left, and watched the Tonys with my friend Matt, who bought crackers with spreadable cheese, and champagne, and strawberries, and grapes, and tried to show me a completely lovely time… during most of which, I was talking about Gus. So I really, really hope that Matt isn’t interested in me, because if he is, then I’m a b****.

--------------------------------

I don’t know. I’m in the airport now about to go board a plane across the country.

I feel weird. Conflicted.

Within the last ten minutes, I’ve gotten texts from both Gus and Phil, wishing me a safe journey.

I guess whatever sorts of drama I allow myself to stir up, at least I still have people who care about me.

Anyway. I’m not even sure I’m looking for advice this time, although you’re all welcome to give it. I just needed to vent.

I’m pretty copacetic at the moment. To quote Monica Gellar, “I’m breezy!” Not crying. Not emotional. Not even too worried about it (which I totally was when I started composing this post on Saturday… So I guess seeing Gus again yesterday was the right move. I’m much calmer now).

I know he’s wrong for me. I know that. And I know that in the week I’m gone, he could absolutely go have sex with like five other girls (I’m fairly certain he won’t) without owing me anything. Which is weird. I’ve never really been in this situation before.

Maybe I am, indeed, a serial monogamist, as Gus once accused me of being. And maybe I don’t know how to handle being anything else.

We’ll see.

~A~

P.S. I did not proofread this, because my plane is boarding. So please forgive any errors or passages that were written at 3am and don't make sense.