TEXT MESSAGES
June 26th, 2013, night time
PHIL: Hey there, hope you're having a good week! I'm seeing a play in [your neighborhood] on Saturday night, so am going to be in your neck of the woods that day in case you wanted to grab a coffee or something. Don't know if that would work for you, but thought I'd check.
ANGELA: I'm actually going to a party on Saturday night.
PHIL: I meant in the day/early eve. no good?
ANGELA: I'm at a bar and can't remember my schedule. I know I'm going to a play in [the mountains] at 2pm.
June 27th, 2013, morning
PHIL: Ok. When you get a sec can you pls let me know - if sat pm is no good for you ill play softball instead but need to RSVP in advance. Thx
ANGELA: I think I need a rain check.
ANGELA: But let's figure something out. Maybe weekend after next.
[Editor's note: this was my way of putting off seeing Phil until I was 100% done with Gus.]
PHIL: Ok. Here's the thing. i totally understand that you need time and space. but just so you know I can't do this limbo thing any more. I can't keep being strung along like this. If there's no chance of meaningful progression, for my own sanity I think I need to break all communication with you.
ANGELA: I don't know what to say.
ANGELA: I'm a mess right now. I've spent most of the week in tears, because of things happening in my life that I can't handle. And I have plans on Saturday, but even if I didn't, I'm not sure I have the fortitude to see you right now.
ANGELA: I care about you deeply, and I'm not sure what the future holds.
ANGELA: I just know that right now, I need to focus on getting my head on straight before anything else.
ANGELA: If you need to cut off communication with me, for your own sanity, I understand. Dan did that, too. He just unblocked me on Facebook after nearly 4 years.
PHIL: Thank you for being up front. I understand completely. I just needed to know where you were at. And that's completely understandable that you're in a fragile place and are nervous about seeing me. I'm going to send you an email with some of my thoughts, so you know where I'm at, and then I'm going to withdraw from contacting you completely for a while through email, text and Facebook. If and when you're ready to reach out, you know where I am. But that said, as a caveat to that, if you're having a really rough time, and if you really need me, I am here for you 100%. A problem shared is a problem halved. Just pick up the phone and call me. Ok?
ANGELA: Thanks.
ANGELA: I understand.
-----------------------
The same morning, I got an email from him. I can't post the whole thing, because it involves information about his work, and some personal things. But here's a reductive version that gives you what you need to know.
Hey. I'm sorry to hear that you've been suffering lately. This town does that to people. You are not alone in that, not by a long shot. It's been rough for me too recently.
[Two paragraphs on how work stuff is complicated. But he's being very upbeat about it.]
I'm also really focusing on the theatre side of things in a big way. Again, I wish you could be involved. I no longer care about us not working together - I wish I'd cast you in more stuff, because a) you're a great actor, and b) it would have made you happy, and that was more important than anything. I was an idiot. In this life, in this game, we have to help each other when we can.
We can't change the past, we can only learn from it, and that's what I've been trying to do with us, and with working on myself and improving myself, being honest about my flaws and failings and addressing them.
As I mentioned via text, I'm going to have to withdraw completely from communicating with you for a while. I really don't wish to get sucked into a destructive process of petty mindgames. This is simply too painful for me to continue down this path. I am in emotional limbo and I can't dealt with it.
I completely understand how you must feel after what's happened. Angry, betrayed, mistrustful, defiant, resistant...an overwhelming maelstrom of emotions. I completely get it. I understand that you do not wish to see me, and that are cautious, suspicious, even hateful etc. I get it. I won't ask to meet you again. You are not in the same place emotionally now. You need more time and space.
I'm not going to make excuses for what happened. I know you don't care. And I understand.
There is no excuse for what I did. There is a context and there are reasons, but there is no excuse. All I can say is that my world was turned upside down this year. In an insane period of extreme stress, upheaval and alienation, I made a hideous, unbearably regrettable error of judgement. I blamed my unhappiness on our relationship. Through a process of self-analysis and working on myself I subsequently identified the real reasons for my unhappiness and have worked to address those reasons. We had issues, sure, but nothing that couldn't be dealt with if my attitude was right. I was the real problem. My attitude. My behaviour.
For far too long I have allowed my mood and outlook to be dictated by external circumstances, instead of looking to the inside for emotional balance. I lost sight of what was truly important in life. Those we love. I had placed too much importance on my career and neglected your emotional needs. I have since learned a painful, but deeply valuable lesson, and one which I well never ever forget.
A person's career is just one facet of a person's existence. It cannot dictate one's mood and outlook in the way in has been doing for me. One needs to nourish, cherish and nurture the truly important things in one's life: our partner. Our family. These are constants in a world of uncertainty. This is what is truly important. To my everlasting regret, I lost sight of that during an extremely tumultuous period when I wasn't myself. Every day the regret eats away at me.
The experience has made me undergo a complete philosophical shift. A person's life needs to be more than just career validation, a nice car, money in the bank. That is an empty road to ruin. True fulfilment comes from a recognition of the emotional needs of those around us, those who are dear to us. Making others happy. Investing in another person. Helping them. Being there for them. Building something beautiful together.
Career is important. But people are more important. You are more important.
In our relationship, I let you down in a number of ways. I was critical. I was selfish. I was self-absorbed. I was insensitive. I was career obsessed. I didn't make enough time for you. I should have gone to San Francisco. I should have done a million things differently. I was not sensitive enough to your emotional needs. In hindsight, I realise the litany of terrible mistakes I made.
It may be too late now. These mistakes may have cost me the woman I love, forever. That is my fault. They are the consequences of my actions and I must accept them. I can only learn from them, and adjust my behaviour accordingly.
You are the most special woman I've ever met. I am still in love with you. You changed me. My life is diminished without you. Without your love, support, generosity of spirit, kindness, your eyes, musing skills, your smile...
There was so much about our relationship that was so wonderful. That's why I fought for it for so long despite impossible odds and obstacles. You are love to me.
I want to [list of things he wants to do with me that won't make sense to people other than us]. In this life and the next...I want to always have you by my side.
I have wanted to try and address our issues in a mature and constructive way. I do not want to resort to game-playing, provoking jealousy, cruel mind-tricks (however subtle) and such. I have no interest in any of that. Whatever happens, please let's not do that to each other.
I have been trying to come to you with an open heart, and with complete sincerity. Perhaps you are not ready. Perhaps you never will be now.
I now realize that I need to back off completely.
I do firmly believe that we can overcome our problems. [...]* This has happened to countless couples. It can make you so much stronger. [...]* It would be a completely new relationship. My attitude would be totally different. *[references to couples we know that broke up and got back together]
It's always been 0-100mph with us. We needed some real stability and consistency. I was too foolish to see that at the time. I was too stressed out to think straight. If only I could gotten through the eye of the storm. I was short-sighted and stupid.
I truly still believe there was a reason that we found each other in this world. There are too many [...] coincidences. Too much love between us. An ocean couldn't keep us apart for over two years.
[A reference to something he said in the first month we were dating that made me fall hard for him.]
In time, if you are ever ready, if you were to give us another chance, I would be approaching everything from a completely new angle, with a completely new philosophy. But the only way to find out if we can rebuild what was lost is to try.
My intentions are absolutely sincere. Words are not enough, I know that. If you were to give us a chance, I would show you with actions.
I cannot shake the feeling that we are meant to be together. My dreams of a future are with you. You are my seahorse.
I do not want to change you, criticize you, control you...I only want to love you.
And when and if you are ever ready, I would commit to you. I would prove my sincerity, not just say it.
But I know that's not what you want now. Or perhaps ever. You are probably not in that place any more, and I understand.
Therefore, this is the last time I am going to contact you, at least for a while. I cannot just be friends with you, at least not now. I feel like I have been getting mixed messages from you from some time (I understand, you are confused) but I cannot take it any more. As much as I love you, I am not going to be anyone's "reserve", be strung along, or wait on the bench. I wish I didn't have to back away. But I must protect myself.
I know that I can't just flip a switch, or wave a magic wand and make everything ok.
Unless we are moving towards a realistic possibility of reconciliation, however slow or delicate, I just can't be in contact with you, it is killing me. If you are serious about meeting me on a specific date, call me. Otherwise, please don't send me any more articles. Please don't text me. I can't be friends on facebook either I'm afraid, it's just too difficult.
(By the way, I'm not asking to jump in the deep end. I have only ever been asking for one date. Just one date. If you're ever ready, we could take things as slow as you want. I want to show and prove to you how I've changed, not just tell you.)
If you ever want to reach out to me in a meaningful way, you have my number, and you can call me any time. But otherwise I need us to stop communicating in this ambiguous way as it causing me too much pain.
I also need to delete your family and some of our mutual friends off facebook. Not because I don't love them, but because I DO love them, and it is too painful to be constantly reminded of what I have also lost.
You know where I'm at emotionally. My cards are on the table.
I love you with all my heart and soul. If you're really in trouble, I'm here for you 100% day or night. I can be your rock now, in the way you always were for me.
I need to say goodbye now, at least for a while. But if you're ever ready to talk/meet, just give me a call. And by the way, it doesn't have to be a big, heavy, emotional conversation/meet-up either. Let's just have fun. Let me make you happy again.
(PS I'm not expecting a reply, but if you could please let me know that you received this email, I would appreciate it - I've been having problems with my yahoo account recently. Thanks.)
Phil
--------------------------
ANGELA: I received your email. I understand completely.
ANGELA: I'm sorry that I can't be more clear for you right now.
ANGELA: I'd explain further, but I feel that involving you in my current problems will only make things worse.
PHIL: Did I not just ask not to mindfuck me?
ANGELA: That wasn't my intention. I apologize. Goodbye.
-------------------------
He blocked me on facebook. And unfriended my brothers. I don't know who else.
I thought the email was lovely. It made my heart ache a little.
I sent the email to my mother. She said it was manipulative, and it only made her angrier with him. She says he's still making everything about himself.
It's hard. Because Phil doesn't know about Gus. He thinks that me not talking to him (and then sending him articles on the internet, and liking his facebook statuses) is me trying to win power in our relationship, and being angry at him for dumping me. But that's not it. I'm mostly past the anger there. It's that as part of the process of trying to move on, I found someone else. And now I'm being dumped *again*. And the last thing I need right now is to go on a coffee date with Phil.
And the thing is, there's part of me that wants him back. There is. I miss us.
But when I talk about him now, I can't help but remember all the stories of things that are less than positive. This morning (while talking to Gus), for example, I found myself talking about how I hadn't auditioned for some theatre companies that I would've loved to work with because Phil hadn't wanted me to be away from him while he was in the USA. I once totally threw a callback for something in North Carolina, because Phil was going to be in NYC at the same time as the rehearsal period, and he begged me not to go work with that company. And I mentioned that I had wanted to start watching a tv show that several of my friends love, but Phil thought it was stupid and mocked me for it.
Those stories just came up TODAY. But there are tons. And every time I mention Phil in one of these contexts, Gus just says something like, "Yeah, these stories you tell me don't make me like Phil..."
I know, in my head at least, that Phil is not the right person for me.
My heart, on occasion, has other whims.
And I won't lie to you; it's very possible that in a weak moment, in the aftermath of Gus, that I would've headed straight towards Phil's embrace, and tried to have been part of a couple again. Because in many ways, that would've been the easy choice. Go to someone who loves me and wants to be with me. Go back to something familiar and comfortable. Go, even though he's not what I really want.
But on Wednesday (the day I broke down in tears to Gus), a friend of mine and Phil's came over. I think I mentioned her... this is the girl who tried to convince me to get back together with Phil over the phone for an hour a few weeks back... (If I didn't... that's all you really need to know.)
Anyway. I told her about half of the Gus story, with her assurance that it wouldn't get back to Phil. She made me promise her that I wouldn't go back to him. Because, she said, it was clear that I would be going back to him for the wrong reasons. And it would only hurt both of us more in the end.
So that's why I decided not to try to see him today (it is Saturday as I'm writing this, and I'm sure he's in my part of town at this very moment, about to go see a play). Because I knew that I'd want to lean on him for support. And that I'd probably start dating him again (at least partially to piss off Gus, if I'm honest with myself). And I can't do that... Because I don't want to hurt him more.
I had to let him go.
And I *hate* it. I hate that he's blocked me on facebook. I hate that I don't know what he's doing at right this very minute. I hate that he thinks I've been trying to mess with his mind all those times I sent him articles that made me think of him.
And I hate that I'm in pain, and I can't talk to him. Because for three years, when I was in pain, he was the first -- and often only -- person I talked to.
And then Gus became my best friend for awhile.
And now...
---------------------------------
As of the Fourth of July, I will officially be 100% independent again. And I won't lie to you; I'm terrified of that. I hopped into stuff with Gus right after Phil. If not romantically, then at least emotionally. Less than a week after things with Phil ended, Gus became my closest confidant. And so, in that way at least, I'm not sure I was ever really alone.
And I'm about to be.
I'm a serial monogamist without a relationship.
I'm a hard-worker without a job.
I'm miserable when I'm alone, and I'm useless when I'm idle.
And I'm afraid that my whole world is about to fall apart.
I wish I could be more excited about heading into this unknown space again, but that's not where I am.
Wish me luck.
~A~
June 26th, 2013, night time
PHIL: Hey there, hope you're having a good week! I'm seeing a play in [your neighborhood] on Saturday night, so am going to be in your neck of the woods that day in case you wanted to grab a coffee or something. Don't know if that would work for you, but thought I'd check.
ANGELA: I'm actually going to a party on Saturday night.
PHIL: I meant in the day/early eve. no good?
ANGELA: I'm at a bar and can't remember my schedule. I know I'm going to a play in [the mountains] at 2pm.
June 27th, 2013, morning
PHIL: Ok. When you get a sec can you pls let me know - if sat pm is no good for you ill play softball instead but need to RSVP in advance. Thx
ANGELA: I think I need a rain check.
ANGELA: But let's figure something out. Maybe weekend after next.
[Editor's note: this was my way of putting off seeing Phil until I was 100% done with Gus.]
PHIL: Ok. Here's the thing. i totally understand that you need time and space. but just so you know I can't do this limbo thing any more. I can't keep being strung along like this. If there's no chance of meaningful progression, for my own sanity I think I need to break all communication with you.
ANGELA: I don't know what to say.
ANGELA: I'm a mess right now. I've spent most of the week in tears, because of things happening in my life that I can't handle. And I have plans on Saturday, but even if I didn't, I'm not sure I have the fortitude to see you right now.
ANGELA: I care about you deeply, and I'm not sure what the future holds.
ANGELA: I just know that right now, I need to focus on getting my head on straight before anything else.
ANGELA: If you need to cut off communication with me, for your own sanity, I understand. Dan did that, too. He just unblocked me on Facebook after nearly 4 years.
PHIL: Thank you for being up front. I understand completely. I just needed to know where you were at. And that's completely understandable that you're in a fragile place and are nervous about seeing me. I'm going to send you an email with some of my thoughts, so you know where I'm at, and then I'm going to withdraw from contacting you completely for a while through email, text and Facebook. If and when you're ready to reach out, you know where I am. But that said, as a caveat to that, if you're having a really rough time, and if you really need me, I am here for you 100%. A problem shared is a problem halved. Just pick up the phone and call me. Ok?
ANGELA: Thanks.
ANGELA: I understand.
-----------------------
The same morning, I got an email from him. I can't post the whole thing, because it involves information about his work, and some personal things. But here's a reductive version that gives you what you need to know.
Hey. I'm sorry to hear that you've been suffering lately. This town does that to people. You are not alone in that, not by a long shot. It's been rough for me too recently.
[Two paragraphs on how work stuff is complicated. But he's being very upbeat about it.]
I'm also really focusing on the theatre side of things in a big way. Again, I wish you could be involved. I no longer care about us not working together - I wish I'd cast you in more stuff, because a) you're a great actor, and b) it would have made you happy, and that was more important than anything. I was an idiot. In this life, in this game, we have to help each other when we can.
We can't change the past, we can only learn from it, and that's what I've been trying to do with us, and with working on myself and improving myself, being honest about my flaws and failings and addressing them.
As I mentioned via text, I'm going to have to withdraw completely from communicating with you for a while. I really don't wish to get sucked into a destructive process of petty mindgames. This is simply too painful for me to continue down this path. I am in emotional limbo and I can't dealt with it.
I completely understand how you must feel after what's happened. Angry, betrayed, mistrustful, defiant, resistant...an overwhelming maelstrom of emotions. I completely get it. I understand that you do not wish to see me, and that are cautious, suspicious, even hateful etc. I get it. I won't ask to meet you again. You are not in the same place emotionally now. You need more time and space.
I'm not going to make excuses for what happened. I know you don't care. And I understand.
There is no excuse for what I did. There is a context and there are reasons, but there is no excuse. All I can say is that my world was turned upside down this year. In an insane period of extreme stress, upheaval and alienation, I made a hideous, unbearably regrettable error of judgement. I blamed my unhappiness on our relationship. Through a process of self-analysis and working on myself I subsequently identified the real reasons for my unhappiness and have worked to address those reasons. We had issues, sure, but nothing that couldn't be dealt with if my attitude was right. I was the real problem. My attitude. My behaviour.
For far too long I have allowed my mood and outlook to be dictated by external circumstances, instead of looking to the inside for emotional balance. I lost sight of what was truly important in life. Those we love. I had placed too much importance on my career and neglected your emotional needs. I have since learned a painful, but deeply valuable lesson, and one which I well never ever forget.
A person's career is just one facet of a person's existence. It cannot dictate one's mood and outlook in the way in has been doing for me. One needs to nourish, cherish and nurture the truly important things in one's life: our partner. Our family. These are constants in a world of uncertainty. This is what is truly important. To my everlasting regret, I lost sight of that during an extremely tumultuous period when I wasn't myself. Every day the regret eats away at me.
The experience has made me undergo a complete philosophical shift. A person's life needs to be more than just career validation, a nice car, money in the bank. That is an empty road to ruin. True fulfilment comes from a recognition of the emotional needs of those around us, those who are dear to us. Making others happy. Investing in another person. Helping them. Being there for them. Building something beautiful together.
Career is important. But people are more important. You are more important.
In our relationship, I let you down in a number of ways. I was critical. I was selfish. I was self-absorbed. I was insensitive. I was career obsessed. I didn't make enough time for you. I should have gone to San Francisco. I should have done a million things differently. I was not sensitive enough to your emotional needs. In hindsight, I realise the litany of terrible mistakes I made.
It may be too late now. These mistakes may have cost me the woman I love, forever. That is my fault. They are the consequences of my actions and I must accept them. I can only learn from them, and adjust my behaviour accordingly.
You are the most special woman I've ever met. I am still in love with you. You changed me. My life is diminished without you. Without your love, support, generosity of spirit, kindness, your eyes, musing skills, your smile...
There was so much about our relationship that was so wonderful. That's why I fought for it for so long despite impossible odds and obstacles. You are love to me.
I want to [list of things he wants to do with me that won't make sense to people other than us]. In this life and the next...I want to always have you by my side.
I have wanted to try and address our issues in a mature and constructive way. I do not want to resort to game-playing, provoking jealousy, cruel mind-tricks (however subtle) and such. I have no interest in any of that. Whatever happens, please let's not do that to each other.
I have been trying to come to you with an open heart, and with complete sincerity. Perhaps you are not ready. Perhaps you never will be now.
I now realize that I need to back off completely.
I do firmly believe that we can overcome our problems. [...]* This has happened to countless couples. It can make you so much stronger. [...]* It would be a completely new relationship. My attitude would be totally different. *[references to couples we know that broke up and got back together]
It's always been 0-100mph with us. We needed some real stability and consistency. I was too foolish to see that at the time. I was too stressed out to think straight. If only I could gotten through the eye of the storm. I was short-sighted and stupid.
I truly still believe there was a reason that we found each other in this world. There are too many [...] coincidences. Too much love between us. An ocean couldn't keep us apart for over two years.
[A reference to something he said in the first month we were dating that made me fall hard for him.]
In time, if you are ever ready, if you were to give us another chance, I would be approaching everything from a completely new angle, with a completely new philosophy. But the only way to find out if we can rebuild what was lost is to try.
My intentions are absolutely sincere. Words are not enough, I know that. If you were to give us a chance, I would show you with actions.
I cannot shake the feeling that we are meant to be together. My dreams of a future are with you. You are my seahorse.
I do not want to change you, criticize you, control you...I only want to love you.
And when and if you are ever ready, I would commit to you. I would prove my sincerity, not just say it.
But I know that's not what you want now. Or perhaps ever. You are probably not in that place any more, and I understand.
Therefore, this is the last time I am going to contact you, at least for a while. I cannot just be friends with you, at least not now. I feel like I have been getting mixed messages from you from some time (I understand, you are confused) but I cannot take it any more. As much as I love you, I am not going to be anyone's "reserve", be strung along, or wait on the bench. I wish I didn't have to back away. But I must protect myself.
I know that I can't just flip a switch, or wave a magic wand and make everything ok.
Unless we are moving towards a realistic possibility of reconciliation, however slow or delicate, I just can't be in contact with you, it is killing me. If you are serious about meeting me on a specific date, call me. Otherwise, please don't send me any more articles. Please don't text me. I can't be friends on facebook either I'm afraid, it's just too difficult.
(By the way, I'm not asking to jump in the deep end. I have only ever been asking for one date. Just one date. If you're ever ready, we could take things as slow as you want. I want to show and prove to you how I've changed, not just tell you.)
If you ever want to reach out to me in a meaningful way, you have my number, and you can call me any time. But otherwise I need us to stop communicating in this ambiguous way as it causing me too much pain.
I also need to delete your family and some of our mutual friends off facebook. Not because I don't love them, but because I DO love them, and it is too painful to be constantly reminded of what I have also lost.
You know where I'm at emotionally. My cards are on the table.
I love you with all my heart and soul. If you're really in trouble, I'm here for you 100% day or night. I can be your rock now, in the way you always were for me.
I need to say goodbye now, at least for a while. But if you're ever ready to talk/meet, just give me a call. And by the way, it doesn't have to be a big, heavy, emotional conversation/meet-up either. Let's just have fun. Let me make you happy again.
(PS I'm not expecting a reply, but if you could please let me know that you received this email, I would appreciate it - I've been having problems with my yahoo account recently. Thanks.)
Phil
--------------------------
ANGELA: I received your email. I understand completely.
ANGELA: I'm sorry that I can't be more clear for you right now.
ANGELA: I'd explain further, but I feel that involving you in my current problems will only make things worse.
PHIL: Did I not just ask not to mindfuck me?
ANGELA: That wasn't my intention. I apologize. Goodbye.
-------------------------
He blocked me on facebook. And unfriended my brothers. I don't know who else.
I thought the email was lovely. It made my heart ache a little.
I sent the email to my mother. She said it was manipulative, and it only made her angrier with him. She says he's still making everything about himself.
It's hard. Because Phil doesn't know about Gus. He thinks that me not talking to him (and then sending him articles on the internet, and liking his facebook statuses) is me trying to win power in our relationship, and being angry at him for dumping me. But that's not it. I'm mostly past the anger there. It's that as part of the process of trying to move on, I found someone else. And now I'm being dumped *again*. And the last thing I need right now is to go on a coffee date with Phil.
And the thing is, there's part of me that wants him back. There is. I miss us.
But when I talk about him now, I can't help but remember all the stories of things that are less than positive. This morning (while talking to Gus), for example, I found myself talking about how I hadn't auditioned for some theatre companies that I would've loved to work with because Phil hadn't wanted me to be away from him while he was in the USA. I once totally threw a callback for something in North Carolina, because Phil was going to be in NYC at the same time as the rehearsal period, and he begged me not to go work with that company. And I mentioned that I had wanted to start watching a tv show that several of my friends love, but Phil thought it was stupid and mocked me for it.
Those stories just came up TODAY. But there are tons. And every time I mention Phil in one of these contexts, Gus just says something like, "Yeah, these stories you tell me don't make me like Phil..."
I know, in my head at least, that Phil is not the right person for me.
My heart, on occasion, has other whims.
And I won't lie to you; it's very possible that in a weak moment, in the aftermath of Gus, that I would've headed straight towards Phil's embrace, and tried to have been part of a couple again. Because in many ways, that would've been the easy choice. Go to someone who loves me and wants to be with me. Go back to something familiar and comfortable. Go, even though he's not what I really want.
But on Wednesday (the day I broke down in tears to Gus), a friend of mine and Phil's came over. I think I mentioned her... this is the girl who tried to convince me to get back together with Phil over the phone for an hour a few weeks back... (If I didn't... that's all you really need to know.)
Anyway. I told her about half of the Gus story, with her assurance that it wouldn't get back to Phil. She made me promise her that I wouldn't go back to him. Because, she said, it was clear that I would be going back to him for the wrong reasons. And it would only hurt both of us more in the end.
So that's why I decided not to try to see him today (it is Saturday as I'm writing this, and I'm sure he's in my part of town at this very moment, about to go see a play). Because I knew that I'd want to lean on him for support. And that I'd probably start dating him again (at least partially to piss off Gus, if I'm honest with myself). And I can't do that... Because I don't want to hurt him more.
I had to let him go.
And I *hate* it. I hate that he's blocked me on facebook. I hate that I don't know what he's doing at right this very minute. I hate that he thinks I've been trying to mess with his mind all those times I sent him articles that made me think of him.
And I hate that I'm in pain, and I can't talk to him. Because for three years, when I was in pain, he was the first -- and often only -- person I talked to.
And then Gus became my best friend for awhile.
And now...
---------------------------------
As of the Fourth of July, I will officially be 100% independent again. And I won't lie to you; I'm terrified of that. I hopped into stuff with Gus right after Phil. If not romantically, then at least emotionally. Less than a week after things with Phil ended, Gus became my closest confidant. And so, in that way at least, I'm not sure I was ever really alone.
And I'm about to be.
I'm a serial monogamist without a relationship.
I'm a hard-worker without a job.
I'm miserable when I'm alone, and I'm useless when I'm idle.
And I'm afraid that my whole world is about to fall apart.
I wish I could be more excited about heading into this unknown space again, but that's not where I am.
Wish me luck.
~A~
2 comments:
Don't fear your life falling apart.
It is in these solitary moments -- and that's all they are: momentary -- that we find our latent strength. The part of you that was not born and therefore cannot die.
Having already shown the world, take this time to reveal to yourself just how much of a total badass you are.
_Z
*Big hug*
I'll say the same as Zed in different words: Being scared, or uncomfortable, or in pain - no matter how little we want to be in that space - is where we ultimately grow to be the bravest and most true to ourselves. Don't be afraid of being there for a while, it always passes.
I'll wish you something other than luck, because luck is a fickle sidekick - I wish you courage, trust in yourself, confidence and many blessings to be thankful for as you navigate your independence. You can do this Angela, no matter how much you want the life buoy, you CAN swim.
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