I had a nightmare last night that Phil had found this blog and started reading it. Dear God, I hope that isn't the case. Phil, if you ever find this blog, don't read it. And if you've already read it... I'm sorry. But dude, I've told you so many times not to read this blog. It will hurt you more than you think it will. It always hurts the men in my life when they read this.
I haven't heard from Phil in 10 days. The way I left it with him, he said he'd give it a few days before texting me... But he didn't. No contact at all. I've emailed him some articles I thought he'd be interested in, but he didn't even respond to those. Honestly, it makes me feel weird and guilty.
I can't remember if I've written this next bit... so forgive me if it's repeated information.
Gus hasn't had a "girlfriend" since he was a junior in college (so, 2004 or 2005), and that only lasted two months. Since then, he's had a habit of becoming interested in unavailable women. He's dated. He's slept around a little. He's met several women through internet dating sites. And he claims that it's almost always the women who leave him. The last girl he dated started being harsh and criticizing him after about 4 weeks of dating, and then dumped him when he wasn't ready to make things "facebook official". That wasn't long before I met him.
A couple of weeks ago, Gus asked me if I'd go to a BBQ with his high school friends. That's when I started to get the feeling that he was serious about me. That, and when he told me that he'd told his mother that we were seeing each other. Even though we'd been hiding it from the cast of the show, the fact that his friends and his mom knew made it feel... I don't know. More real, I guess. I get the feeling that his mom and his high school friends don't find out about most of his short-term dating situations.
By the way... In order to hide it from the cast of the show, I'd allowed most of the rest of the male cast to flirt with me without getting weird about it. I don't actively flirt back, but I don't discourage them. Because if I didn't, it would be too obvious how flirty I get with Gus.
Anyway...
We had a text message conversation that I keep re-reading, so I feel it's pertinent information.
(relevant: This conversation was on a Tuesday. Phil had asked if I could go on a date with him on Wednesday, which I'd given a maybe. I had promised Phil I wouldn't go on a date with anyone else before going on a date with him. The BBQ was going to be on Friday.)
GUS: R u free tomorrow? Im in the office but loose otherwise
GUS: Maybe we could shoot for dinner or sumpin?
GUS: oo maybe we could check out your speakeasy? I still never been
ANGELA: :)
ANGELA: Perhaps.
ANGELA: But it wouldn't be a date, obviously.
GUS: NO! just foody drinky staring longingly makey outy brief nudity adult themes share our hopes for the future Playdate!
ANGELA: Perfect.
(He was joking about the "brief nudity adult themes" part, in case you don't know me well enough to have guessed that.)
GUS: Keep friday open for me?
GUS: (Bbq)
ANGELA: Sure thing.
ANGELA: What is the BBQ occasion?
GUS: The one with my [high school] friends I mentioned
ANGELA: (Side note: I just got asked out AGAIN. This time by an older man who has a girlfriend. WTF?)
GUS: #simplyirresistable
ANGELA: I was just wondering if it were a birthday or something.
GUS: its a Just Cuz
ANGELA: Are any [people in the play with us] going to be at this thing?
ANGELA: Or am I allowed to touch you?
GUS: I cant imagine -- we can be "out" :-D
ANGELA: Will it get back to the others?
GUS: I think the circles are pretty isolated
ANGELA: Good.
And that's when I had a minor emotional breakdown.
ANGELA: Fuck. Suddenly I feel guilty.
GUS: For turning down 525600 men?
ANGELA: No. For Phil.
ANGELA: And who says I turned the men down? ;)
GUS: Guilt.
/gilt/
Noun
The fact of having committed a specified or implied offense or crime.
GUS: ... Youve done nothing wrong.
ANGELA: I was supposed to go on a date with him on Wednesday.
ANGELA: Instead, I'm making plans with you...
ANGELA: And being "out" on Friday...
ANGELA: I feel rattled.
GUS: He stopped being the priority when he chose to no longer be the priority
ANGELA: I promised him I wouldn't go on a date before going on a date with him. I lied, and I never lie, and that makes me feel lousy.
GUS: Its not a date, remember?
ANGELA: Gus, we've done far more than go on a date.
ANGELA: And, depending on how you count, we've been on more than a few.
ANGELA: I do feel mildly bad when I allow the [castmates] to flirt with me. Like Nick's long hug. Or Michael's slow dance. But I feel like if I don't, it will make things too obvious when I flirt with you.
ANGELA: But that's really, really, mild. I don't like the idea of leading them on, but it's on them that they are getting caught up in the idea of me without actual pursuit.
ANGELA: Phil is a completely different thing. He thinks I'm his soulmate. He's actively trying to change his life and win me back. We have years of history. We have the best damn "how we met" story you've ever heard. I wore his grandmother's ring for a year.
ANGELA: There is part of me that thinks I'm ruining something by not giving him my exclusive attention.
ANGELA: Which I think I said or implied to you before we even kissed.
ANGELA: Sorry for the novel.
GUS: Right... But hes also a hot-mess-overly-impulsive-non-date-taking-idea-sucking-sellers-remorse-motherfucker and YOU DONT OWE HIM ANYTHING
GUS: You can do whatever you want, act however you like but
GUS: You
GUS: Dont
GUS: Owe him
GUS: ANYTHING
GUS: #realtalk
ANGELA: I know I talk about the negative of him a lot, but please know that he has positive in him to match. I didn't waste three years with an asshole, even though I make him sound like one.
ANGELA: But yes, you're right. I don't owe him anything.
GUS: Correct.
GUS: And I think theres real reason you didn't just go back to him immediately, no questions asked.
ANGELA: Because he approached me the wrong way. And by the time he'd found the right way, I'd found someone else.
GUS: WHO?? ILL KICK HIS ASS
GUS: :)
(The part I read a lot is the part in bold. If that weren't obvious. There were actually a couple harsher things in there, too, but I chose to edit them out in case anybody ever reads this blog knowing who Phil is so they don't make assumptions that are worse than reality.)
So I did end up going out with Gus that Wednesday.
On Thursday, May 23rd, I made tentative plans to go on a date with Phil, which fell apart, and instead we had a three-hour phone conversation, with him crying through most of it. The text conversation with Gus had strengthened my resolve. And Phil called me cold and unfeeling. He told me he was "in hell" and that I was being cruel for still "punishing him" for this tiny little mistake he'd made of throwing me overboard when he was worried his boat might take on water. He told me he'd text me on Monday or Tuesday. But he didn't.
On Friday, I went to the BBQ with Gus and his friends. And spent most of the weekend with him. And grew very, very fond of him in the process.
I brought Gus to the wrap party on Tuesday, and he was a great date. I didn't give him a list of instructions in the end, but simplified it to "don't be a dick to the girl you went to high school with," (as far as I know, he wasn't... but he did talk to her at one point while I was in the ladies' room, so who knows...). He let me flutter around, talking to people, and following at my side. It worked out very nicely. He got me drinks (they were free, but you know... he brought them to me). He got me water after three drinks turned out to be too many. He was terrific.
On Thursday morning, I got a phone call from a girl who is a mutual friend of Phil and me. She spent 45 minutes on the phone trying to convince me to get back together with him. Because he's such a mess without me. And because we made such a great couple. And because Phil had just made a tiny little mistake by letting me go, and it was only because moving had been so traumatic for him.
But again, I thought of the texts with Gus. You. Don't. Owe. Him. Anything.
I told her the truth. About most things, at least. I told her a bunch of the negative. A bunch of the things that had happened with Phil that I had hidden or ignored. By the end of the conversation, she was saying, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea any of that happened. I don't think you should go back."
The next I saw of Gus was at the theatre on Friday. We ended up hanging out most of Saturday.
But about half an hour before we had to leave to go to the show, we had a #realtalk conversation. A "does this actually have potential" conversation.
And the answer is no. It doesn't.
There are two issues.
1. Gus can't handle my "phantom pain" as he called it. It freaks him out that I'm often in pain, and says he's not a natural caretaker. I was pretty surprised when he brought this up. He said, "yeah, it's not something I'm proud of."
2. Religion. The big one. You know what's weird? I'm actually more at peace with this than he is. I'm Catholic. And while I have my issues with the church (as any good Catholic should), my faith is very important to me. Gus thinks that organized religion is responsible for the majority of the evils in the world, and that it is inexcusable to affiliate oneself with an institution that was involved in the Crusades, and is hypocritical about wealth, and misogynistic, and hid a pedophilia scandal, etc. Me being Catholic angers him far more than him being agnostic bothers me (although it's not something that I'm completely at ease with).
This isn't going anywhere. This can't go anywhere. It was a long, very upsetting conversation.
And I felt like I'd just been dumped again.
I haven't been. We didn't end things.
But damn, it felt like it. I felt so lousy through the whole performance. I told him backstage that I felt unsettled. He said he was glad we talked. He said it was better to get this stuff on the table now than six months down the road.
But I'm so damn needy right now. ESPECIALLY right now. Because my job just ended. And because today is the last performance of the play. I'm about to have NOTHING happening in my life, and I don't know how long that's going to last. And it was nice to at least have Gus in my life. Because he's been such a positive thing for me. He's been kind and caring. He's built up my self-esteem. He's helped me talk through a lot of things I hadn't been able to deal with on my own.
And it sucks.
Because all I want to do right now is have someone to cling to. But now I feel like that person shouldn't be Gus. Because I know this is going to end. Sooner rather than later. And I don't want to get too attached. But darn it, I already am attached.
I really liked the idea of becoming the first girlfriend he's had in years. I liked the idea of hanging out at his parents' house. I liked the idea of the theatre company finding out after the show closed that he and I had been secretly seeing each other for most of the run.
Also, Gus wrote a play, which he is going to direct. (I wrote this before, I think.) And at one point, he wanted me to be in it. And I was really looking forward to that, because it seems like it's going to be a terrific play, and I think I'd be great in it. But now... We talked about it, and while we haven't said this out loud yet, it's not a good idea. We both know it's not a good idea. It's weird if we stay together during the show. It's even weirder if we don't. Unless we can find a way to definitively end things between us in the next week with both of us being 100% cool with that, I can't do the show. Oh well. Life has other plans for me, I guess.
This hurts.
I really, really dig him. He's a great guy. I have so much fun when I'm with him. He came into my life exactly when I needed him. And I still need him. But if I stay, it's only going to hurt more in the long run. I'm so fragile and vulnerable, just as a general state of being, but especially right now.
Gosh.
I just started crying while typing. How on earth did I get this attached to him? How did I fall this hard for someone I always suspected might be a rebound?
Truth is, I don't want him to be just a rebound.
Do you know how much I like this guy? HE TEXTS LIKE A 12-YEAR-OLD GIRL, AND I DON'T EVEN CARE. He's an incredibly intelligent human being, and a gifted writer, and has memorized the atomic weights of the periodic table, and yet last night he sent me a text that read "Lez b in tetch :)" (He meant "let's be in touch", although I spent at least 10 seconds thinking he was saying "lesbian tech".) DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW BIG OF A DEALBREAKER THAT USUALLY IS FOR ME? He says he does it ironically, and normally, that would not be an acceptable excuse to me. Most of the time, I use *punctuation* in my texts, and here he is, intentionally misspelling things because he thinks it's funny.
UGH! And I just caught myself smiling about that. Because I'm that infatuated with the guy. Twitterpated, in fact.
Today is the last day of the show. No more excuses to see him. No more excuses to be in the valley, which is where he lives (and where the show was). No more light-and-casual.
Now, being around him will feel very this-is-a-mistake, what-am-I-doing, I'm-only-hurting-myself, I-need-to-stop-being-so-attached, I-hate-that-I-want-him-so-much, we-can-never-sleep-together-or-i-will-hate-myself-forever-because-this-can't-go-anywhere.
You know what thought I just had? I feel like Buffy (the vampire slayer) when she started sleeping with Spike (a vampire). Because I know this is a bad idea for me now. I know I need to get out of it. I know that if I stick around, I'm doing it for the wrong reasons. And I know it isn't fair to Gus. Or to me.
Yesterday, Gus asked me if I knew how to leave. If I knew how to get out of a relationship.
And while I assured him that I do, I came to the hard truth that I don't.
I dumped Boyfriend #1. It took me entirely too long to do it, and I basically did to him what Phil did to me. And it was probably just as traumatic of an experience for me as it was for him.
Boyfriend #2 was a rebound, in the truest sense of the word. He jumped in immediately after I became single, and was completely wrong for me, but I dated him because I needed to be dating *someone*. I spent most of my time complaining about the guy, but kept him around because I needed someone.
Boyfriend #3 was Brian. Who ripped my heart out.
Boyfriend #4 was The Filmmaker. And I knew the relationship was bad, but instead of dumping him, I sort of convinced him to dump me. Because I didn't know how to get out of it on my own.
Boyfriend #5 was Phil. And honestly, I should've dumped him in October. But I couldn't. Because I loved him. He had become a terrible boyfriend. And we had a conversation when I told him, "I'm not happy in this relationship," expecting him to work to try to fix the problems. And he said, "Neither am I." And that made me turn around and think, "Oh God, maybe I'm the problem. What am I doing wrong? How can I make him happy? How can I fix this?" When what I probably should have thought was, "Neither of us is happy. Maybe we aren't right for each other after all."
Gus. I started out thinking Gus might be a rebound. Just like Boyfriend #2. But the difference between Gus and Boyfriend #2 is that I really like Gus. I don't complain about Gus (maybe that's because most of the people who know both of us have no idea that anything is happening between us).
So is Gus right? Is it just that I don't know how to end things? Because I see that this has to end. I know that. I think he knows it. I think. But I'm not sure I can end it.
Honestly, I hate that I'm thinking this way, but I wish we hadn't had our #realtalk conversation. I was so much happier when this was fun and light. And now it's all, "we know what the future holds," and that blows. I want to go back to cute and flirty, sneaking around, stealing kisses, cuddling and watching movies, living in the moment, not worrying about what the future holds.
I want to live in the moment.
And now, I'm way too far inside my head.
So many guys have asked me out. Nine last week. Only two this week, but still. I think I'm going to have to start saying yes.
Gus and I never had any sort of "it's you and me and no one else" arrangement. Neither of us has been dating anyone else. He wants me more than he wants anyone else. And I've wanted him more than I've wanted anyone else. But I think I have to get out of that mindset.
I'm not great at dating. Obviously.
And, apparently, I'm bad at keeping things casual. And keeping my emotions in check. I have a wave of FEELINGS just thinking about Gus. And I can't help that.
I don't know what the future holds. I'm not even sure what the next week holds.
I'm leaving LA on the 10th to go visit my parents in Connecticut for a few days, and then going to Chicago from the 14th through the 17th. So that'll be good for me. I'll get out of here, get away from Gus, and gain some perspective.
Why does this hurt so much?
And why does it feel like the thing that would help most in the world right now is cuddling with Gus?
(Is this even about Gus? Or am I just lonely?)
Help me.
May you never put yourself through the mental and emotional anguish that I seem to torment myself with regularly.
~A~
I haven't heard from Phil in 10 days. The way I left it with him, he said he'd give it a few days before texting me... But he didn't. No contact at all. I've emailed him some articles I thought he'd be interested in, but he didn't even respond to those. Honestly, it makes me feel weird and guilty.
I can't remember if I've written this next bit... so forgive me if it's repeated information.
Gus hasn't had a "girlfriend" since he was a junior in college (so, 2004 or 2005), and that only lasted two months. Since then, he's had a habit of becoming interested in unavailable women. He's dated. He's slept around a little. He's met several women through internet dating sites. And he claims that it's almost always the women who leave him. The last girl he dated started being harsh and criticizing him after about 4 weeks of dating, and then dumped him when he wasn't ready to make things "facebook official". That wasn't long before I met him.
A couple of weeks ago, Gus asked me if I'd go to a BBQ with his high school friends. That's when I started to get the feeling that he was serious about me. That, and when he told me that he'd told his mother that we were seeing each other. Even though we'd been hiding it from the cast of the show, the fact that his friends and his mom knew made it feel... I don't know. More real, I guess. I get the feeling that his mom and his high school friends don't find out about most of his short-term dating situations.
By the way... In order to hide it from the cast of the show, I'd allowed most of the rest of the male cast to flirt with me without getting weird about it. I don't actively flirt back, but I don't discourage them. Because if I didn't, it would be too obvious how flirty I get with Gus.
Anyway...
We had a text message conversation that I keep re-reading, so I feel it's pertinent information.
(relevant: This conversation was on a Tuesday. Phil had asked if I could go on a date with him on Wednesday, which I'd given a maybe. I had promised Phil I wouldn't go on a date with anyone else before going on a date with him. The BBQ was going to be on Friday.)
GUS: R u free tomorrow? Im in the office but loose otherwise
GUS: Maybe we could shoot for dinner or sumpin?
GUS: oo maybe we could check out your speakeasy? I still never been
ANGELA: :)
ANGELA: Perhaps.
ANGELA: But it wouldn't be a date, obviously.
GUS: NO! just foody drinky staring longingly makey outy brief nudity adult themes share our hopes for the future Playdate!
ANGELA: Perfect.
(He was joking about the "brief nudity adult themes" part, in case you don't know me well enough to have guessed that.)
GUS: Keep friday open for me?
GUS: (Bbq)
ANGELA: Sure thing.
ANGELA: What is the BBQ occasion?
GUS: The one with my [high school] friends I mentioned
ANGELA: (Side note: I just got asked out AGAIN. This time by an older man who has a girlfriend. WTF?)
GUS: #simplyirresistable
ANGELA: I was just wondering if it were a birthday or something.
GUS: its a Just Cuz
ANGELA: Are any [people in the play with us] going to be at this thing?
ANGELA: Or am I allowed to touch you?
GUS: I cant imagine -- we can be "out" :-D
ANGELA: Will it get back to the others?
GUS: I think the circles are pretty isolated
ANGELA: Good.
And that's when I had a minor emotional breakdown.
ANGELA: Fuck. Suddenly I feel guilty.
GUS: For turning down 525600 men?
ANGELA: No. For Phil.
ANGELA: And who says I turned the men down? ;)
GUS: Guilt.
/gilt/
Noun
The fact of having committed a specified or implied offense or crime.
GUS: ... Youve done nothing wrong.
ANGELA: I was supposed to go on a date with him on Wednesday.
ANGELA: Instead, I'm making plans with you...
ANGELA: And being "out" on Friday...
ANGELA: I feel rattled.
GUS: He stopped being the priority when he chose to no longer be the priority
ANGELA: I promised him I wouldn't go on a date before going on a date with him. I lied, and I never lie, and that makes me feel lousy.
GUS: Its not a date, remember?
ANGELA: Gus, we've done far more than go on a date.
ANGELA: And, depending on how you count, we've been on more than a few.
ANGELA: I do feel mildly bad when I allow the [castmates] to flirt with me. Like Nick's long hug. Or Michael's slow dance. But I feel like if I don't, it will make things too obvious when I flirt with you.
ANGELA: But that's really, really, mild. I don't like the idea of leading them on, but it's on them that they are getting caught up in the idea of me without actual pursuit.
ANGELA: Phil is a completely different thing. He thinks I'm his soulmate. He's actively trying to change his life and win me back. We have years of history. We have the best damn "how we met" story you've ever heard. I wore his grandmother's ring for a year.
ANGELA: There is part of me that thinks I'm ruining something by not giving him my exclusive attention.
ANGELA: Which I think I said or implied to you before we even kissed.
ANGELA: Sorry for the novel.
GUS: Right... But hes also a hot-mess-overly-impulsive-non-date-taking-idea-sucking-sellers-remorse-motherfucker and YOU DONT OWE HIM ANYTHING
GUS: You can do whatever you want, act however you like but
GUS: You
GUS: Dont
GUS: Owe him
GUS: ANYTHING
GUS: #realtalk
ANGELA: I know I talk about the negative of him a lot, but please know that he has positive in him to match. I didn't waste three years with an asshole, even though I make him sound like one.
ANGELA: But yes, you're right. I don't owe him anything.
GUS: Correct.
GUS: And I think theres real reason you didn't just go back to him immediately, no questions asked.
ANGELA: Because he approached me the wrong way. And by the time he'd found the right way, I'd found someone else.
GUS: WHO?? ILL KICK HIS ASS
GUS: :)
(The part I read a lot is the part in bold. If that weren't obvious. There were actually a couple harsher things in there, too, but I chose to edit them out in case anybody ever reads this blog knowing who Phil is so they don't make assumptions that are worse than reality.)
So I did end up going out with Gus that Wednesday.
On Thursday, May 23rd, I made tentative plans to go on a date with Phil, which fell apart, and instead we had a three-hour phone conversation, with him crying through most of it. The text conversation with Gus had strengthened my resolve. And Phil called me cold and unfeeling. He told me he was "in hell" and that I was being cruel for still "punishing him" for this tiny little mistake he'd made of throwing me overboard when he was worried his boat might take on water. He told me he'd text me on Monday or Tuesday. But he didn't.
On Friday, I went to the BBQ with Gus and his friends. And spent most of the weekend with him. And grew very, very fond of him in the process.
I brought Gus to the wrap party on Tuesday, and he was a great date. I didn't give him a list of instructions in the end, but simplified it to "don't be a dick to the girl you went to high school with," (as far as I know, he wasn't... but he did talk to her at one point while I was in the ladies' room, so who knows...). He let me flutter around, talking to people, and following at my side. It worked out very nicely. He got me drinks (they were free, but you know... he brought them to me). He got me water after three drinks turned out to be too many. He was terrific.
On Thursday morning, I got a phone call from a girl who is a mutual friend of Phil and me. She spent 45 minutes on the phone trying to convince me to get back together with him. Because he's such a mess without me. And because we made such a great couple. And because Phil had just made a tiny little mistake by letting me go, and it was only because moving had been so traumatic for him.
But again, I thought of the texts with Gus. You. Don't. Owe. Him. Anything.
I told her the truth. About most things, at least. I told her a bunch of the negative. A bunch of the things that had happened with Phil that I had hidden or ignored. By the end of the conversation, she was saying, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea any of that happened. I don't think you should go back."
The next I saw of Gus was at the theatre on Friday. We ended up hanging out most of Saturday.
But about half an hour before we had to leave to go to the show, we had a #realtalk conversation. A "does this actually have potential" conversation.
And the answer is no. It doesn't.
There are two issues.
1. Gus can't handle my "phantom pain" as he called it. It freaks him out that I'm often in pain, and says he's not a natural caretaker. I was pretty surprised when he brought this up. He said, "yeah, it's not something I'm proud of."
2. Religion. The big one. You know what's weird? I'm actually more at peace with this than he is. I'm Catholic. And while I have my issues with the church (as any good Catholic should), my faith is very important to me. Gus thinks that organized religion is responsible for the majority of the evils in the world, and that it is inexcusable to affiliate oneself with an institution that was involved in the Crusades, and is hypocritical about wealth, and misogynistic, and hid a pedophilia scandal, etc. Me being Catholic angers him far more than him being agnostic bothers me (although it's not something that I'm completely at ease with).
This isn't going anywhere. This can't go anywhere. It was a long, very upsetting conversation.
And I felt like I'd just been dumped again.
I haven't been. We didn't end things.
But damn, it felt like it. I felt so lousy through the whole performance. I told him backstage that I felt unsettled. He said he was glad we talked. He said it was better to get this stuff on the table now than six months down the road.
But I'm so damn needy right now. ESPECIALLY right now. Because my job just ended. And because today is the last performance of the play. I'm about to have NOTHING happening in my life, and I don't know how long that's going to last. And it was nice to at least have Gus in my life. Because he's been such a positive thing for me. He's been kind and caring. He's built up my self-esteem. He's helped me talk through a lot of things I hadn't been able to deal with on my own.
And it sucks.
Because all I want to do right now is have someone to cling to. But now I feel like that person shouldn't be Gus. Because I know this is going to end. Sooner rather than later. And I don't want to get too attached. But darn it, I already am attached.
I really liked the idea of becoming the first girlfriend he's had in years. I liked the idea of hanging out at his parents' house. I liked the idea of the theatre company finding out after the show closed that he and I had been secretly seeing each other for most of the run.
Also, Gus wrote a play, which he is going to direct. (I wrote this before, I think.) And at one point, he wanted me to be in it. And I was really looking forward to that, because it seems like it's going to be a terrific play, and I think I'd be great in it. But now... We talked about it, and while we haven't said this out loud yet, it's not a good idea. We both know it's not a good idea. It's weird if we stay together during the show. It's even weirder if we don't. Unless we can find a way to definitively end things between us in the next week with both of us being 100% cool with that, I can't do the show. Oh well. Life has other plans for me, I guess.
This hurts.
I really, really dig him. He's a great guy. I have so much fun when I'm with him. He came into my life exactly when I needed him. And I still need him. But if I stay, it's only going to hurt more in the long run. I'm so fragile and vulnerable, just as a general state of being, but especially right now.
Gosh.
I just started crying while typing. How on earth did I get this attached to him? How did I fall this hard for someone I always suspected might be a rebound?
Truth is, I don't want him to be just a rebound.
Do you know how much I like this guy? HE TEXTS LIKE A 12-YEAR-OLD GIRL, AND I DON'T EVEN CARE. He's an incredibly intelligent human being, and a gifted writer, and has memorized the atomic weights of the periodic table, and yet last night he sent me a text that read "Lez b in tetch :)" (He meant "let's be in touch", although I spent at least 10 seconds thinking he was saying "lesbian tech".) DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW BIG OF A DEALBREAKER THAT USUALLY IS FOR ME? He says he does it ironically, and normally, that would not be an acceptable excuse to me. Most of the time, I use *punctuation* in my texts, and here he is, intentionally misspelling things because he thinks it's funny.
UGH! And I just caught myself smiling about that. Because I'm that infatuated with the guy. Twitterpated, in fact.
Today is the last day of the show. No more excuses to see him. No more excuses to be in the valley, which is where he lives (and where the show was). No more light-and-casual.
Now, being around him will feel very this-is-a-mistake, what-am-I-doing, I'm-only-hurting-myself, I-need-to-stop-being-so-attached, I-hate-that-I-want-him-so-much, we-can-never-sleep-together-or-i-will-hate-myself-forever-because-this-can't-go-anywhere.
You know what thought I just had? I feel like Buffy (the vampire slayer) when she started sleeping with Spike (a vampire). Because I know this is a bad idea for me now. I know I need to get out of it. I know that if I stick around, I'm doing it for the wrong reasons. And I know it isn't fair to Gus. Or to me.
Yesterday, Gus asked me if I knew how to leave. If I knew how to get out of a relationship.
And while I assured him that I do, I came to the hard truth that I don't.
I dumped Boyfriend #1. It took me entirely too long to do it, and I basically did to him what Phil did to me. And it was probably just as traumatic of an experience for me as it was for him.
Boyfriend #2 was a rebound, in the truest sense of the word. He jumped in immediately after I became single, and was completely wrong for me, but I dated him because I needed to be dating *someone*. I spent most of my time complaining about the guy, but kept him around because I needed someone.
Boyfriend #3 was Brian. Who ripped my heart out.
Boyfriend #4 was The Filmmaker. And I knew the relationship was bad, but instead of dumping him, I sort of convinced him to dump me. Because I didn't know how to get out of it on my own.
Boyfriend #5 was Phil. And honestly, I should've dumped him in October. But I couldn't. Because I loved him. He had become a terrible boyfriend. And we had a conversation when I told him, "I'm not happy in this relationship," expecting him to work to try to fix the problems. And he said, "Neither am I." And that made me turn around and think, "Oh God, maybe I'm the problem. What am I doing wrong? How can I make him happy? How can I fix this?" When what I probably should have thought was, "Neither of us is happy. Maybe we aren't right for each other after all."
Gus. I started out thinking Gus might be a rebound. Just like Boyfriend #2. But the difference between Gus and Boyfriend #2 is that I really like Gus. I don't complain about Gus (maybe that's because most of the people who know both of us have no idea that anything is happening between us).
So is Gus right? Is it just that I don't know how to end things? Because I see that this has to end. I know that. I think he knows it. I think. But I'm not sure I can end it.
Honestly, I hate that I'm thinking this way, but I wish we hadn't had our #realtalk conversation. I was so much happier when this was fun and light. And now it's all, "we know what the future holds," and that blows. I want to go back to cute and flirty, sneaking around, stealing kisses, cuddling and watching movies, living in the moment, not worrying about what the future holds.
I want to live in the moment.
And now, I'm way too far inside my head.
So many guys have asked me out. Nine last week. Only two this week, but still. I think I'm going to have to start saying yes.
Gus and I never had any sort of "it's you and me and no one else" arrangement. Neither of us has been dating anyone else. He wants me more than he wants anyone else. And I've wanted him more than I've wanted anyone else. But I think I have to get out of that mindset.
I'm not great at dating. Obviously.
And, apparently, I'm bad at keeping things casual. And keeping my emotions in check. I have a wave of FEELINGS just thinking about Gus. And I can't help that.
I don't know what the future holds. I'm not even sure what the next week holds.
I'm leaving LA on the 10th to go visit my parents in Connecticut for a few days, and then going to Chicago from the 14th through the 17th. So that'll be good for me. I'll get out of here, get away from Gus, and gain some perspective.
Why does this hurt so much?
And why does it feel like the thing that would help most in the world right now is cuddling with Gus?
(Is this even about Gus? Or am I just lonely?)
Help me.
May you never put yourself through the mental and emotional anguish that I seem to torment myself with regularly.
~A~
4 comments:
Oh WOW girl, was that ever a post that took me for a ride. :0 I've been doing/thinking/saying everything between gasp, swoon, foot jiggle, hopping up and down in my seat and menatlly yelling 'Nooooo!!'... Phew.
Anyway. Courage! :* I won't assume any right to tell you what to do or how to do it, but here's my 2 cents.
When I read you, it sounds to me like you're trying to fulfil multiple goals (sorry for the lack of nuance in that word) at the same time, and some of them are mutually exclusive. If I hear you right, you want to: get over Phil in a sane, mentally sound fashion; you want to guard your heart and not get suckered back into what you recognize as a bad place; to feel desired; to not have a rebound; for Phil to stop being sad (which is entirely out of your control); physical touch; a mental match for you; to not feel guilt; to put things right (whatever that means); to eventually find the right guy to be a girlfriend to; fun and silliness; to not feel (...or is it appear?) needy; to give a great guy you've met and like a fair chance; to respond to the multiple attention-givers around you... etc etc.
Not a single one of these are inherently wrong, but that's a LOT of needs and goals to fulfil at the same time. In the meantime, some of these are much more rewarding than others (especially the fun, touchy-feely hedonistic flingy ones) while at the same time, you have some values that seem to direct your actions towards what you think is right.
I think you need to list all the things you're trying to do with your heart, sanity, satisfaction for now and security for the future (I've probably missed some, huh? ;) and Choose. Which ones are the most honest-to-God most important ones for you, that will have to veto all the others? (You get to pick three ;)
The thing is girl, I think that until you've decided which of all those fulfilments are the most important, true-to-Angela things (or the most important ones for you to survive right now), you're probably going to keep oscillating between all the 'roles' you gradually end up actually playing in the various relationships you have with the men around you. Some of it leads to being your true, vulnerable, frank self, and some of it encourages being mysterious, gaming and flirting. Given your messy, confusing "can't-leave-you-alone" breakup, I think it's pretty logical that you would want both, in heaps and heaps ;)
Like I said, this is just the way I'm hearing you - but if there's anything I've said that resonates with you, then I wish you luck and blessings with getting to know the true-to-Angela priorities, so you can start being your true self no matter who you're with, because (In my experience) gaming and pretending can suck a lot of energy.
For what it's worth! /Hugs from Sweden :)
PS: I agree with G on the you-don't-owe-him-anything idea. Stick with that as a starting point and figure out which of your own monsters to feed ;)
i agree with Cessie's really insightful comment about prioritizing your needs and choosing which one or two to focus on at at a time.
The one thing I can say is that it takes a really long time to heal from a heartache. Give yourself that time!
Also, I'm no fan of Gus...
also, this post made me realize i've been following along since before Brian... wow!
I have no useful advice except to say I think it's definitely a good thing that you are getting away for a little bit. And if you need to get away again once you're back, you are 100% welcome to come up to Santa Barbara for a weekend and crash on my couch! :)
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