Ring Around the Moon

Not long after midnight on January 1st, I saw something that I'd never seen before.


I didn't take this picture, but I did see this phenomenon. All I could think of was the musical version of The Spitfire Grill, and the lyrics to the song, "Ring Around the Moon".

"Ring around the moon
Bigger world than me
Ready or not
Here I come
Olly olly oxen free"

They look like terrible lyrics, now that I've typed them up, but it's actually a moving song. It's a woman moving forward in her life, taking risks, and hoping that everything is going to work out. And to me, it felt like a good beginning to the journey called 2010.

(Note: Technically, 2010 is the LAST year of the decade, not the FIRST year of a new decade as most people seem to believe... The millennium started in 2001 because there was no Year 0. Our calendar goes from 1 BC to 1 AD. And by the same logic, the next decade technically begins a year from now. Not that any of that is actually important, nor do I need you to believe me; I just figured that this blog was an appropriate place to air that pet peeve of mine. Okay, I'm done.)

I have to say, I have no complaints on the first few days of 2010. They've been pretty stellar as far as days can go. And not just because I saw Bernadette Peters in concert last night (although it certainly didn't hurt... if I were the sort of person who wanted to have children, I would name a daughter Bernadette. That woman is a sequined river of emotion).

I've talked for hours with people I adore. I've done a little bargain-hunting (fingerless gloves for a dollar... I win at shopping). I've cuddled in a bed with two gay men (strangely, the bed didn't belong to any of us). And I spent time with someone I admire who made me feel more attractive and desirable than I've felt in a long while.

And the year hasn't yet ticked past the 12th day of Christmas... (which is traditionally January 6th, the feast day of the Epiphany, for those of you who were always confused by that song.) So a great deal of good feelings have been packed solidly into a short period of time. And I've loved it.

So what now?

Not long after midnight on New Year's Day, I mentioned to someone I barely knew that I didn't have a resolution yet for the new year. His response:

"Maybe that's because you're finally becoming okay with who you are. And maybe your resolution should just be to enjoy it."

This coming from someone whose name I learned a few hours before. It was like conversing with a fortune cookie.

Then yesterday, I met up with a friend I haven't seen since before I started graduate school, who bestowed upon me more compliments than I deserve. I can't recall the exact wording of the compliment that may have been the greatest of the set, but it was something along the lines of:

"You're more yourself than you used to be. You're more confident. You're just more you now."

I don't know if it's true, but I was grateful from my core for the words.

Maybe that's where the last year has brought me.

Usually, I look back on a year with positive thoughts, but I don't really feel that way about 2009. It's wasn't a particularly BAD year, per se. Only one person I cared greatly for died, and she was elderly (which, in my opinion, lessens the blow a bit). No one in my family lost their jobs, which should be cause for celebration. But emotionally, it was a year of trauma for me. And it was a year during which I did a great deal of healing, most of which I had to do alone.

Maybe I have, in fact, grown. Maybe I am more "me" than I was before, although I must admit that I'm still not entirely certain as to what that means. And maybe instead of changing things and fixing myself, I do indeed need to just start appreciating myself and all that I've become.

But it's me, and I couldn't possibly go without resolutions... So first, let's review.

Last year's resolutions were:

- Call my brothers more often.
(Sort of... Not enough. But I saw them plenty, so I felt like I didn't need to.)
- Stop trying to talk myself into things and out of things. Just let them happen, and take them as they are.
(Getting better at it, but not great yet.)
- Make up my own mind about things, instead of just agreeing with the opinions of others.
(Getting much better)
- Acknowledge my emotions and then let them go, instead of pushing them aside and letting them control me.
(Getting better, but I sucked at it post-Filmmaker)
- Stop taking personal responsibility for the happiness of others.
(Still terrible with this)
- Be more assertive. Stop letting people take advantage of me just because I'm nice.
(Still terrible with this)
- Stop judging people based on their history or reputation.
(Getting better)



And this year? Well, I guess I'll make some up now.

1. Enjoy being myself.
Because I think that first random guy might have been right.

2. Find a better way to deal with injustices in my life than with bitterness and grudges.
The sooner I find a way to converse with Alpha while staying true to myself, the better.

3. Cut back on spending in order to save money for my study abroad program in London.
I head to London on May 5th, and I'll be there until mid-June.

4. Stop taking personal responsibility for the happiness of others.
It's a valuable lesson that is taking me a very long time to learn.

5. Put more time and energy into looking fabulous.
2010 is going to be The Year of the Crimson Diva. At formal events, I'm going red nails, red lips, pale skin, false eyelashes, high heels, Dita Von Teese style diva. And people will fucking love me for it. ;)

6. Make a mental box other than "As Good As Gay" to contain the problem men in who keep flipping the switch and evading the AGAG label.
Maybe less of a box, and more of a jail cell. I'll make the sketchy ones keep their distance... and perhaps let the others out for good behavior.


May you be who you are. And may you enjoy it.

~A~




P.S. I couldn't find these lyrics online, so I took the liberty of typing them up.

"Outside in the night, there's a ring around the moon
The wind sings in barbed wire; I've listened to the tune
What seems like fifty years, or maybe it was five
It's hard to count the days when you're buried alive

Outside of these walls is a bigger world than me
I had no where to hide the last time I was free
I've circled on the map a place to start again
A town called Gilead
Close my eyes, and count to ten

And it's one one-thousand, two
Three one-thousand, four
Five one-thousand, six one-thousand
Seven one-thousand, more
Eight one-thousand, nine
Nine one-thousand, ten
Five years seemed like fifty
Now it's time to start again

Ring around the moon
Bigger world than me
Ready or not
Here I go
Olly olly oxen free
Olly olly oxen free

Two steps follow one, one step follows two
A ticket in my hand, a bus to somewhere new
A circle on a map, count the miles to go
On the road to Gilead
Down a highway I don't know

It's one mile turnin' two
Three miles turns to four
Five miles turns to fifty
Then a hundred miles more
Bus rolls to a stop
Driver turns to me
"This is Gilead
What there is, is what you see."

A ring around the moon
Bigger world than me
Ready or not
Here I come
Olly olly oxen free..."

New Year, New Goals

GOALS FOR MY SECOND YEAR OF GRAD SCHOOL

1. Gain confidence in myself, my work, and my abilities as an artist.

2. Improve my ability to control my emotions during class/rehearsal when I'm stressed out.

3. Stop being afraid of my emotions.

4. Consistently land my lines.

5. Prevent my nerves from affecting me in performances, particularly in higher stress situations such as opening nights and showings.

6. Become more of a leader within my class and within the rehearsal room.

7. Have more strength to back up my passion, so that I will be just as determined of an actor when I graduate as I have been in school.

8. Stop being afraid of doing things wrong.

9. Work on memorization on a regular basis in order to prevent myself from having to try to stay up late the night before I have to do a scene trying to cram words into my head.

10. Do not add negativity into the world of the school.

11. Stop being negative about my physical capabilities.

12. Be more patient when looking for answers, particularly in Movement class.

13. Keep a straight face when things are happening in class that I have problems with.

14. Be open-minded and take all notes I get in class, no matter how vehemently I may disagree with them.

15. Send thank you notes to people when they do nice things for me.

16. Avoid gossiping behind people's backs.

17. Remember that we all made it through an arduous process to get here, and we are all clearly talented, intelligent people. They deserve to be here, and so do I.

18. Don’t let politics within the school get personal. Just because something is going on in class or in rehearsals, doesn’t mean it has to carry over into the rest of life.

19. Don't let things from OUTSIDE of class affect what's going on INSIDE of class.

20. Try to make friends outside of the program.

21. Go out, do something social, and have fun at least once a week.

22. Actually read all of the assigned reading. Don’t just skim it. Occasionally take notes.

23. Budget properly. If having trouble, begin writing down all expenditures.

24. Take all available opportunities to learn new skills.

25. Work on outside projects (such as student films) if they fit into schedule.

26. Take a trip to somewhere outside of town (even if it’s just to the next closest city) at least once a semester.

27. Go to Disney World at least once.

28. Have as close to perfect attendance as is physically possible.

29. Remember how hard it is to get to grad school. Remember how great of a program this is. Be grateful every, every minute.

30. Find something to love about every class and every professor (so that I can focus on those things on the days that classes seriously blow).

31. Swear less. Except in my kitchen, as that seems to be a swearing hellmouth. Replace swear words with exclamations such as “drat”, “shoot”, “freakin’”, “frak” (← it’s a Battlestar Galactica term), and the like when possible.

32. Cut alcohol out of diet (as much as possible).

33. Drink water for mostly everything. Milk, soy milk, and juice can be ingested in moderation. Soda pop is only allowed in bars.

34. Be supportive of classmates, not competitive with them.

35. Avoid getting too negative about myself or my potential.

36. Use days off well, because they’re few and far between.

37. Laugh as much as possible.

38. Write down all homework assignments (because I WILL forget them if I don’t).

39. Remember to step back and take time to breathe.

40. Do whatever it takes to get closer to the goal of becoming a castable, skilled, professional actor.

41. Loosen up.



If you have any other suggestions, by all means send them along.

May you reassess your goals on a regular basis.

~A~

Tug and Shift

(Two-Shots-Up and me on New Year's Eve. Yes, she's wearing my Hannah Montana wig.)

I'm becoming someone else. Someone that I never was. Quickly, it seems. I'm not yet sure if that's the someone who I want to be. But I feel like I need to give it a shot for awhile.

It's not a bad thing, I don't think. It's just something I'm keeping an eye on.

I'm making decisions a little faster. And making them with different things in mind.

I've decided to stop talking myself out of things and into things as often as I do. I'm going to be more impulsive. I'm going to own my emotions. And once I acknowledge them, I'm going to set them free instead of drowning in them.

I'm not the kind of person who let's things go. Anything. I hold on to moments for hours, days, weeks. I hang onto words, and run them through my brain like a river. I wonder what I could have done differently. What I could have said differently. Why other people say and do what they say and do.

I've realized recently that I'm a genuinely nice person. I don't do nice things so that I get credit for doing them, but rather I do them because I feel satisfied by making other people happy/relieved/secure. And because I'm nice, I get taken advantage of a great deal.

Maybe I need to be more selfish than I was before.

I think too hard about things. I like to feel like I'm in control of situations. I am overly concerned with the consequences of every action. And I have a hard time turning off that part of my brain.

In the last week, I've made several choices about where I was going and what I was doing that were not the sort of choices I would've made before. They were braver. Riskier. And perhaps not quite as nice as I usually am. I made them without thinking about other people.

It was liberating, actually. I stopped worrying about what people thought of me. I stopped worrying about what I was supposed to do, and did what I wanted to do. And so far, the results haven't been that bad.

I'm a little concerned about this lack of consideration for others. Or this lack of consideration in general. I didn't consider things; I just acted. I was forward. I was blunt. I was -- on a beginner's level -- adventurous.

On a small scale, I'm turning into a risk-taker. In a minute fashion, I'm becoming a libertine. And with baby steps, I'm discovering my inner hedonist.

Maybe it's just a phase.

In any case, I think I'm going to embrace it. For the time being, anyway.



I don't need a new year to make resolutions for myself. But the change of year is certainly a good reminder to make some.

Resolutions for 2009:

- Call my brothers more often.
- Stop trying to talk myself into things and out of things. Just let them happen, and take them as they are.
- Make up my own mind about things, instead of just agreeing with the opinions of others.
- Acknowledge my emotions and then let them go, instead of pushing them aside and letting them control me.
- Stop taking personal responsibility for the happiness of others.
- Be more assertive. Stop letting people take advantage of me just because I'm nice.
- Stop judging people based on their history or reputation.



May you tug your skirt, shift in your seat, and see how comfortable you are in a different position.

~A~

A Year's Progress

So last year in my post Unresolved, I discussed my resolutions for 2008. Here's how I did...


- Make a conscious effort to call my brothers more often.
Yeah, so I sucked at this. And I did better with one brother than the other. Maybe I should make this resolution again for 2009?
FAIL


- Be more physically active.
I did this for awhile, actually. When I was living in Chicago, I started walking more, and I took 14 flights of stairs in my skyscraper office at least once a day up-and-down (sometimes 2 or 3 times). Being active has been harder in Florida, but I do have to jump rope for 5 minutes a day when I have movement class. So am I amazingly active? No. But am I more active than I was in 2007? Yes.
WIN


- Learn to accept compliments with more grace.
This is definitely the thing I've done best with. Just ask Brian. I can accept compliments like a pro these days. You should have seen me at my Assessment. I handled the praise really well.
WIN


- - Memorize the correct spellings of excersize, maitenance (maintainence), and immeadiately.
I just gave myself a spelling test. I got "exercise", "maintenance", "immediately", "pursue", "separate", and "desperate" correct! But it took me 4 tries to spell "corduroy" correctly (my first three guesses were courderoy, corderoy, and courduroy). But 6/7 is pretty darn good! I've really focused on those first three, and I nailed 'em.
WIN


- Finish my NaNoWriMo novel.
I'm really disappointed that I haven't been able to do this. I'm sure some of my readers are as well... But I just couldn't. I have other priorities.
FAIL


- Figure out what I want to do with my life.
I want to be an actor. I don't just want it; I feel it. I need it. It's not a choice; it's the ONLY choice.

And yes, I still think I'm going to hate the business part of it, but my need to be an artist is going to drown that out.

Since I've gotten to grad school, I've realized just how important this is to me. I'm willing to sacrifice financial security. I'm willing to sacrifice weekends. I'm going to sacrifice having a family. I'm willing to sacrifice love.

I'm not just acting for me anymore. I'm acting because it's my civil service. I'm truly acting because I'm trying to change the world.

WIN -- A thousand times win.


Final score:
WIN 4, FAIL 2.



May you learn what's important to you.

~A~

Progression/Regression

Remember when I wrote my Grad School Resolutions? Well, now that I'm a semester in, I thought I'd check on my progress...


Resolutions for Grad School:

1. Take studying SERIOUSLY.
Studying here is WAY different than studying in undergrad was. For the most part, it doesn't exist. My homework assignments have to do with stretching, and my tests involve breathing and saying words. In some ways, it's a lot harder, because you can't rush through things (something that I would otherwise be likely to do). But I have been taking things seriously and doing my work. Except for tremoring every night at home. I don't. Because if I did, I think my body would be in a perpetual state of spasm (like I said, my homework is weird).
WIN

2. Finish homework, papers, reading assignments, etc. as quickly and efficiently as possible.
Heh. I think we all knew that this wasn't going to happen. I'm a born procrastinator. And I've successfully written all my papers within two days of their due dates. But you know what? They were all turned in on time. And they were all decent papers and assignments. So I'm just going to pat myself on the back for doing successful procrastination, and call it a day.
FAIL

3. Do not add negativity into the world of the school.
I won't say that I've been completely successful in this. What I will say, is that I am FAR more successful than most of my classmates. I go to school with some pretty negative people. And I am not one of them. So I count a win.
WIN

4. Be open-minded and willing to try all exercises in class, no matter how lame they seem or how stupid I might look doing them.
I am. And I do.
WIN

5. Do not gossip behind people’s backs.
This is just straight up impossible. But I think about it less as gossip, and more as venting. Or raising concerns. I don't talk about petty stuff. I talk about things like, "so-and-so is thinking of dropping out of the program," and "that guy was monopolizing class time with his agenda." I'm going to call it a different thing...
FAIL

6. Try not to dance during class. (Except for movement class, because I think we’re supposed to dance there sometimes. I just don't want my professors to think of me as "the one who dances in the middle of discussions.")
I only danced between classes. And sometimes in Movement class. I put it in the past tense because it seemed to make a couple of my classmates uncomfortable, so I've stopped (which, to be honest, I think had a negative effect on my mental health).
WIN

7. Remember that we all made it through an arduous process to get here, and we are all clearly talented, intelligent people. They deserve to be here, and so do I.
It wasn't always easy to remember this, but I tried to remind myself of it frequently.
WIN

8. Don’t let politics within the school get personal. Just because something is going on in class or in rehearsals, doesn’t mean it has to carry over into the rest of life.
We won't really get into politics until we start being cast in things. But some of my classmates are not successful in not letting classwork enter the personal realm. I'm pretty good at it, most of the time.
WIN

9. Try to make friends outside of the program.
WAY harder than it sounds. Aside from a couple of regulars at karaoke, I've failed. (by the way, The Engineer hasn't called me since before Thanksgiving. I left him a message a week ago which he never responded to. Oh well.)
FAIL

10. Go out and have fun at least once a month.
Month? Please. I have to do something at least once a week just to maintain my sanity. Which is exactly what karaoke is for.
WIN

11. Try to stay a vegetarian until at least the first week of November (which will have been a year... I've saved plenty of animals, and I want to eat meat so badly I can't even tell you).
SCORE! I rocked this one. And now that it's over, I'm like 18 kinds of happier.
WIN

12. Actually read all of the assigned reading. Don’t just skim it. Occasionally take notes.
We're allowed (nay; encouraged) to "read artistically" for some of our classes (no, I'm not kidding... those were my professor's exact words). I'm behind in my Acting reading, but it's not a huge deal. And I never read the final act of Anna Christie (but we only spent one day talking about it, so it didn't really matter... Maybe I'll read it over the summer.)
FAIL

13. Budget properly. If having trouble, begin writing down all expenditures.
I'm doing fine now. It was a battle at first because of how little I started off with, but I'm good at the moment.
WIN

14. Take all available opportunities to learn new skills.
Not yet applicable.
---

15. Work on outside projects (such as student films) if they fit into schedule.
They haven't fit into my schedule yet.
---

16. Take a trip to somewhere outside of town (even if it’s just to the next closest city) at least once a semester.
I went home for Thanksgiving. And a couple of days ago I was stressed out and talking to myself and ended up in a town I didn't know existed... but that's a story for another day.
WIN

17. Go to Disney World at least once.
Haven't done it yet. But I will. I swear.
---

18. Have as close to perfect attendance as is physically possible.
I was about 4 minutes late to Movement class once, and 10 minutes late to Acting class once. But that's it. No missed classes yet. *knocks on wood*
WIN

19. Remember how hard it is to get to grad school. Remember how great of a program this is. Be grateful every, every minute.
I am grateful. Very, very grateful.
WIN

20. Find something to love about every class and every professor (so that I can focus on those things on the days that classes seriously blow).
I have. Many somethings, in fact. I like far more than I dislike.
WIN

21. Do not kiss anyone in the program (unless it's required by a scene or something).
I kissed a 3rd-year. Which I regret. But he's a really nice guy, and we're back to a normal conversational relationship now. I also regret kissing CCM, even though I thought he fit into a loophole by not being a student. He's at every social thing I'm at, and I'm still uncomfortable with the whole thing. (By the by, I've kissed three of my classmates in scenes.)
FAIL

22. Do not get crushed on anyone in the program.
So far, so good.
WIN

23. Do not actively flirt with anyone in the program.
I only do when drunk. Which is why I stopped getting drunk around them.
WIN

24. Do not pursue a relationship with anyone in the program.
Not a problem.
WIN

25. Keep all classmates on the “As Good As Gay” list.
Also not a problem.
WIN

26. Swear less.
Heh. I went totally backwards on this one. I think I actually swear MORE down here. Drat.
FAIL

27. Replace swear words with exclamations such as “drat”, “shoot”, “freakin’”, “frak” (← it’s a Battlestar Galactica term), and the like.
(HA! Typing that in my last one was not intentional) I do say "drat" and "frak". Alongside other swearwords... but still.
WIN

28. Cut alcohol out of diet (as much as possible).
I fell off of this one for a three weekends, but I've recommitted to not drinking. It's way better for my stability.
WIN

29. Try not to drink until my birthday (October 25 – If I can cut meat out of my diet for 9 months, I can certainly take out alcohol for 3).
Well, I ALMOST made it...
FAIL

30. Do not have alcohol more than twice in one week, regardless of occasion.
I did once. Which was the weekend that my classmate verbally attacked me for several hours... It was also my birthday weekend. And I haven't had alcohol since.
FAIL

31. Try to limit caffeine intake.
Done. I think I've had pop under 10 times this semester.
WIN

32. Make sure to eat tons of peanut butter, cheese, tofu, hummus, and other protein-containing foods in order to keep energy up.
Done. And now I'm trying to cut peanut butter and cheese OUT of my diet, as my Movement Professor says that they're making me gain weight (I'm replacing them with meat).
WIN

33. Don’t tell classmates about my (lack of a) sexual history. Remember that it is none of their business.
Whoops. That came out REALLY EARLY. Luckily, I'm not the only virgin in my program. Heck, I'm not even the only one in my class.
FAIL

34. Don’t even THINK about doing NaNoWriMo.
I'll admit it. I thought about it. But I quickly (as in, seconds later) thought the better of it. Hence, I'm still counting a win.
WIN

35. Try not to make the fact that I’m a blogger public knowledge. (Even though I’ve already warned my roommate. And one of the second years found my blog in February).
They all know.
FAIL

36. Consider lying and saying I blog about something that they won’t want to read. Make it sound like it’s not a personal blog.
Nope. They know what it is. And some of them want to read it.
FAIL

37. Do not discuss individuals from grad school program on my blog, in case they find it.
I totally have. Whoops. (I sort of forgot that I wrote this.)
FAIL

38. Do not mention what grad school program (or city) I’m in on my blog, so that they won’t be able to find it.
Check.
WIN

39. Be supportive of classmates, not competitive with them.
Check. Although I am occasionally jealous of their talent.
WIN

40. Avoid getting too negative about myself or my potential.
This is really freaking hard. But I'm better than I was.
FAIL

41. Use days off well, because they’re few and far between.
I don't. Unless by "well" I meant surfing Etsy for 5 hours at a time. Because I've definitely done that.
FAIL

42. Laugh as much as possible.
I do. :)
WIN

43. Write down all homework assignments (because I WILL forget them if I don’t).
I do. But for one of my classes, they're all in the syllabus, which is EVIL because I always forget to read it.
WIN

44. Walk or bike to school on occasion. (Will work out details on this once I figure out if it’s even safe to do this, as I’d have to cross a couple of 4-lane roads, and Florida drivers are NUTS.)
I walked to school once, and I never bought a bike. Walking to school sucked because it meant I had to leave for school earlier, and my body was already tired by the time I got to Movement class and had to do 5 minutes of jumping rope. I didn't like it.
FAIL

45. For understudy assignments, attend every rehearsal that fits into my schedule (there are only three actual understudy rehearsals per show, and we’re mostly expected to learn what to do by watching video tapes and whatnot… so clearly, the more actual rehearsals you can make it to, the better).
I didn't the last week of classes because I was too busy with class assignments, but now I'm going every day.
WIN

46. Work on completing my novel in my spare time (HA! Spare time! Like I'm going to have any of that!).
Nope. Haven't written a word since I got here.
FAIL

47. Remember to step back and take time to breathe.
I do.
WIN

48. Do whatever it takes to get closer to the goal of becoming a castable, skilled, professional actor.
I try.
WIN

49. Loosen up. (recommended by Eric Shonkwiler.)
Working on it.
WIN

50. Don't let things from OUTSIDE of class affect what's going on INSIDE of class. (The reverse of #8)
I SUCKED at this. But I'm getting better.
FAIL



By my count, that's 30 Wins, 17 Fails, and 3 N/A. And in my book that's pretty freaking good.


May you win more than you fail.

~A~

Grad School Resolutions

I'm a big believer in making resolutions whenever you need to, not just on January 1. This is a big change in my life, and I want to be ready to change with it. I wanted to make a list of things to keep in mind over the next semester (and the next 3 years). This is what I've come up with so far.

Resolutions for Grad School:

1. Take studying SERIOUSLY.

2. Finish homework, papers, reading assignments, etc. as quickly and efficiently as possible.

3. Do not add negativity into the world of the school.

4. Be open-minded and willing to try all exercises in class, no matter how lame they seem or how stupid I might look doing them.

5. Do not gossip behind people’s backs.

6. Try not to dance during class. (Except for movement class, because I think we’re supposed to dance there sometimes. I just don't want my professors to think of me as "the one who dances in the middle of discussions.")

7. Remember that we all made it through an arduous process to get here, and we are all clearly talented, intelligent people. They deserve to be here, and so do I.

8. Don’t let politics within the school get personal. Just because something is going on in class or in rehearsals, doesn’t mean it has to carry over into the rest of life.

9. Try to make friends outside of the program.

10. Go out and have fun at least once a month.

11. Try to stay a vegetarian until at least the first week of November (which will have been a year... I've saved plenty of animals, and I want to eat meat so badly I can't even tell you).

12. Actually read all of the assigned reading. Don’t just skim it. Occasionally take notes.

13. Budget properly. If having trouble, begin writing down all expenditures.

14. Take all available opportunities to learn new skills.

15. Work on outside projects (such as student films) if they fit into schedule.

16. Take a trip to somewhere outside of town (even if it’s just to the next closest city) at least once a semester.

17. Go to Disney World at least once.

18. Have as close to perfect attendance as is physically possible.

19. Remember how hard it is to get to grad school. Remember how great of a program this is. Be grateful every, every minute.

20. Find something to love about every class and every professor (so that I can focus on those things on the days that classes seriously blow).

21. Do not kiss anyone in the program (unless it's required by a scene or something).

22. Do not get crushed on anyone in the program.

23. Do not actively flirt with anyone in the program.

24. Do not pursue a relationship with anyone in the program.

25. Keep all classmates on the “As Good As Gay” list.

26. Swear less.

27. Replace swear words with exclamations such as “drat”, “shoot”, “freakin’”, “frak” (← it’s a Battlestar Galactica term), and the like.

28. Cut alcohol out of diet (as much as possible).

29. Try not to drink until my birthday (October 25 – If I can cut meat out of my diet for 9 months, I can certainly take out alcohol for 3).

30. Do not have alcohol more than twice in one week, regardless of occasion.

31. Try to limit caffeine intake.

32. Make sure to eat tons of peanut butter, cheese, tofu, hummus, and other protein-containing foods in order to keep energy up.

33. Don’t tell classmates about my (lack of a) sexual history. Remember that it is none of their business.

34. Don’t even THINK about doing NaNoWriMo.

35. Try not to make the fact that I’m a blogger public knowledge. (Even though I’ve already warned my roommate. And one of the second years found my blog in February).

36. Consider lying and saying I blog about something that they won’t want to read. Make it sound like it’s not a personal blog.

37. Do not discuss individuals from grad school program on my blog, in case they find it.

38. Do not mention what grad school program (or city) I’m in on my blog, so that they won’t be able to find it.

39. Be supportive of classmates, not competitive with them.

40. Avoid getting too negative about myself or my potential.

41. Use days off well, because they’re few and far between.

42. Laugh as much as possible.

43. Write down all homework assignments (because I WILL forget them if I don’t).

44. Walk or bike to school on occasion. (Will work out details on this once I figure out if it’s even safe to do this, as I’d have to cross a couple of 4-lane roads, and Florida drivers are NUTS.)

45. For understudy assignments, attend every rehearsal that fits into my schedule (there are only three actual understudy rehearsals per show, and we’re mostly expected to learn what to do by watching video tapes and whatnot… so clearly, the more actual rehearsals you can make it to, the better).

46. Work on completing my novel in my spare time (HA! Spare time! Like I'm going to have any of that!).

47. Remember to step back and take time to breathe.

48. Do whatever it takes to get closer to the goal of becoming a castable, skilled, professional actor.


ETA:

49. Loosen up.
(recommended by Eric Shonkwiler.)

50. Don't let things from OUTSIDE of class affect what's going on INSIDE of class. (The reverse of #8)



Any suggestions on what I should add?


May you resolve to be the best person you can be.

~A~

Unresolved

Hello ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the new year.

First off, I'll give you a quick recap of my 2007, as it seems that's what all the cool bloggers are doing...

(Note: Pictures all taken in 2007, though not necessarily in the months they're near)


(My friends and I went to a midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I was going for a Magenta-esque look)

JANUARY
- I began temping at my current workplace.
- I took a Shakespeare class.


(Goofing off with my old roomie, Cameron, in his Maverick flight suit)

FEBRUARY
- I was in a staged reading of a new play (in which I was cast as a 50-year-old woman... perfect, obviously).
- I went through my usual "I hate the world" bout with Seasonal Affective Disorder


(My coworker and me in our cubicles on "Jeans Day", the last Friday of the month. It's a major office event.)

MARCH
- I auditioned for a massive amount of productions, and kept getting called back, but not cast.
- I was hired officially by my current workplace (and got benefits and a 401k. Woo-hoo, I'm an adult!).


(Decked out for a "Pirates, Indians, & Gypsies" party. I think I was trying to be a gypsy.)

APRIL
- I was cast in a play-turned-musical production of Picasso at the Lapin Agile.
- I started playing Guitar Hero II. And kicking booty at it.


(In rehearsal for Picasso at the Lapin Agile.)

MAY
- The cast of said production began giving me lessons in "how to drink socially", and bought me drinks wherever we went.
- I won a Baby Name Pool out of over 700 entries.


(A scene from Picasso at the Lapin Agile, in which I played Suzanne.)

JUNE
- I got a promotion at my current workplace. And a raise. Hooray!
- I broke the heart of the fabulous guy I dated for over 2 years.
- Picasso at the Lapin Agile ran for 4 weeks
- I started dating a new fellow, who everyone knew was completely wrong for me (I think even he and I knew it).


(I get dressed up for the Tony Awards every year. My former roommate Anna looked on.)

JULY
- I took another Shakespeare class.
- My roommates and I threw a few parties, culminating in a "Sexy Party", which rocked my world.


(Some of my college friends and I pose at The Sexy Party)

AUGUST
- I moved into a shoebox-size studio apartment.


(Being a dork with my dear friend, Brian, who is on my speed dial)

SEPTEMBER
- I started this blog!
- It hit me that I'd gained 25 pounds in a year. How on Earth did that happen?


(My Picasso castmates Dave & Dane taught me a lot about bars.)

OCTOBER
- I was dumped by the new fellow. Meh.
- I turned 23.
- I took yet another Shakespeare class (Yeah, I'm a geek. So what?)


(Sniffing out my friend Zel on my birthday)

NOVEMBER
- I participated in (and finished) National Novel Writing Month, which might be the coolest thing I've ever done with my life. I've never been more proud of (or more embarrassed by) anything than my unfinished slap-dash novella.
- I participated in (and finished) NaBloPoMo by posting three completely random things per day for the entire month of November.
- I became a vegetarian (which I STILL am, shockingly; I thought it was a two-week experiment, but it's starting to stick).
- A guy told me he was in love with me (note: not one of the two ex-boyfriends).
- I started another blog (I have an addiction). I'm pretty sure no one reads it but me. But I don't even really care... It's just where I throw links I like so that I can find them later on. And if it amuses others, that's just a bonus.


(Laying my claim on my friends Mike and Jim)

DECEMBER
- I was hit by a car.
- I took a vacation from work to head to Connecticut, New York, and Michigan for 11 days (which I'll probably write about in my next entry... Sorry for the delay).


(Goofing off with Anna)

Eventful year, right?


(Playing Guitar Hero II with Anna, still in our Rocky Horror gear)

I also learned that a few of the people I'd basically forgotten about after high school are some of the coolest people I know. And I gained a couple of "dotcomrades" (and a pen-less pen-pal, with whom I exchange epic e-mails that the rest of the world wouldn't appreciate) whom I've grown fond of. I've learned how to pay bills. I've made up a couple of recipes (the sorts of food that only I would dare touch). I've found a new favorite television show (Pushing Daisies, which makes me want to hug my laptop after every episode that I watch alone in my apartment while eating copious amounts of food). All in all, I'd say it was a good year.


(Dancing in Picasso at the Lapin Agile)

And at this time of year, people tend to think about things they should resolve to do differently in their lives, as a fresh year suggests a clean start.

I bet you're wondering whether I kept my resolutions from last year (actually, you probably weren't... people tend to think so hard about upcoming resolutions that they forget about past ones entirely). Honestly, I don't remember what I resolved to do for 2007. No clue. Just another auld lang sigh (forgive the unnecessary pun).

I tried to quit biting my nails for 1993. And pretty much every year since then. It never sticks. One year, I made it until the last week of February, and then went through an emotional breakdown and gave up. I'm not going to try to give it up this year. Frankly, I like biting my nails. It's comforting. And I have a wicked oral fixation, so it's just easier if I leave it alone. (And really, I could have worse habits. I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, I don't have sex, and I rarely drink... how bad could nail-biting possibly be?)

In 1996 (I think), I gave up drinking cola (I included Coke, Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, and anything else that was dark, as I was convinced they were staining my teeth). And I successfully completed the year. I overloaded on Sprite and 7-Up so much that year that they've never been quite as good since.

I have a tendency to follow my Lent resolutions better than my New Year ones. I usually give up two things, so that if I'm a horrible failure at one, I can at least stick with the other. Like the year I gave up "worrying" and "elevators". Or the year I gave up "pursuing boys" and "television I can't learn from" (I was still allowed to watch the news and anything with acting on it, -- I considered that to be professional research -- but I couldn't watch, say, anything on VH1. Including Strange Love, which I believe was entirely contained within Lent that year). Or the year I gave up "excuses" and "computer games". I never make it easy on myself, do I? One year I gave up "red wine vinegar", and it threw my whole immune system out of whack (I came down with several back-to-back mystery illnesses), and vowed never to alter my diet in favor of a Lenten promise again.

Anyway. I don't like the idea of changing things just because it's a new year. If you want to make a change in your life, just do it; don't wait for a year change.

That said, there are some things I want to try to improve with, and now is as good a time as any to get going. So here are a few things I've come up with:

- Make a conscious effort to call my brothers more often.
Now that we're living in three different states, I don't talk to my brothers as often as I should. And I know that if I don't do something about it now, it's just going to get harder as we age. So I'm going to try to call each of them at least once a month, instead of just finding out about them through my parents and their Facebook profiles.

- Be more physically active.
I'm a sedimentary rock. I need to start walking more or something. Haven't put much thought into this yet, clearly, but it needs to be done.

- Learn to accept compliments with more grace.
I've mentioned before that I'm horrible at accepting compliments. I always think people are lying to me. Trying to get on my good side. Or mocking me somehow. I don't know. I have less-than-perfect self-esteem (okay, it's pretty bad). And I usually don't agree with the nice things they say (except with strangers... I'm a little better at taking them from strangers, as strangers have no reason to lie to me. I also enjoy complimenting strangers, and have no problem tapping a woman on the shoulder on public transportation to tell her I dig her shoes/purse/hair). But I want to stop that. I want to believe the nice things people tell me. And deflecting every compliment I get isn't going to help my self-esteem. So I'm going to try to stop. I'm going to learn to look them in the eye, smile, and say thank you. Hopefully, I'll be better at it by the end of the year.

- Memorize the correct spellings of excersize, maitenance (maintainence), and immeadiately.
And everything else on my list of "words that I consistently have trouble spelling for no apparent reason and am frequently embarrassed by when I can't figure out how to get them to spell out in T9 on my cell phone, but I don't want to switch over to the alphabet function because then I KNOW I'm spelling them wrong, and I don't want people to think that I don't know how to spell simple words like corderoy, persue, desparate, and seperate." (If any of the aforementioned italicized words looked right to you, then you might want to make this a resolution for yourself as well.) I swear, I'm generally an excellent speller. And I'm embarrassed every time I have to question the spelling of any common word.

(NOTE: I intentionally used my mistake-spellings of these words instead of the correct ones so that you'd be able to see what I'm doing wrong. I think I've actually mastered separate/desperate now, but I used to mix up which had the "a" in the middle and which had the "e". I included two spellings of maintenance because it's the HARDEST word for me to spell for reasons unbeknownst to me, and I usually go through four spellings before I find the correct one.)

- Finish my NaNoWriMo novel.
It seems that the most vote-getting item is for me to post portions of the unbelievably bad novel I'm working on in a weekly blog as I edit and finish the book. So I will. Now, as my business-oriented brother has told me, he thinks this is a horrid idea, as once something is on the internet, you have no way of protecting it. Someone could steal it easily. My solution at this point is to publish it in a "private" blog (if I do that, I'll leave instructions on this blog as to how to get to it or something) and to use Copyscape or something. If anyone else has any thoughts on how to protect my work as I share it, please let me know. Although I can't imagine anyone wanting to steal my unfinished garbage, but some people are incredibly ill-meaning, so you never know.


And, perhaps the most terrifying of all...

- Figure out what I want to do with my life.
I feel like I should have figured this one out by now. And I have a feeling that at least one person out there is probably confused by this. Well, here's something I've recently talked out with a friend well enough to be able to put on paper: I love acting, but I hate being an actor.

Theatre is the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. I truly believe that theatre can change the world (a belief that I'll have to explain another time in more detail). And I love working in theatre. I love acting more than I possibly put into words. It helps my soul to breathe. It makes me feel powerful to my core. And I'm good at it.

But that's only a small fraction of being an actor. The rest of it is the business behind it. I hate going to audition after audition, callback after callback, putting everything I've got on the line, and never hearing back. I hate wondering if I'm sending the right head shot to the right company. I hate networking, and schmoozing, and acting like remembering someone's name is going to get me a job down the line when I doubt that it actually will. I hate knowing that I'm just another 20-something white girl, and that plenty of other girls who look/sound/act just like me will be showing up to the same audition, and I am not in any way, shape, or form "special". And I hate failure. I don't have the ego to bounce back from long strings of rejection. And I'm not sure that I ever will.

I'm auditioning for graduate schools in February, and I'm not even certain that I want to go. Would it even do me any good? Or will it just make me an even better actor with the same sets of hang-ups and fears that I have now?

My other problem stems from my indecision and my chameleon-like ability to pick up new tricks. I have too many interests, too many skills, and too many talents, and I always feel like there's something different I should be doing (which is perhaps why I went through SO MANY MAJORS in college). There are days when I ask myself why I'm not trying to get into medical school (I love helping people, I'm great at biology, I kick butt in dissection, and medical professions sort of run in my family). There are days that I want to quit my job and be a writer (NaNoWriMo and blogging were the biggest natural highs of my year). There are days I wonder why I'm not in graduate school for Psychology/History/Dentistry... etc. There are days that I wonder if I've been working towards the wrong goal, and the thing that will make me truly happy is right in front of my nose and I'm ignoring it.

And then there are days that I think if I don't get back on stage soon, I'm going to explode.

My love for theatre consumes me. I think about being on stage every day. I run monologues as I'm getting ready to leave the house (which my brother made fun of me for while I was in Connecticut). I read plays on the bus. I save money so that I can go to plays/musicals/workshops/classes/lectures as often as possible. And it gives me so much joy to be a part of it.

But I hate the business. I hate the idea of having to get agents. I hate the idea of being in horrible shows to get my face seen. I don't think I'm strong enough. I'm more likely to believe criticisms than compliments. I'm more likely to get knocked down and stay there. And when push comes to shove, I'm more likely to give up than try harder.

It wasn't easy for me to admit any of that (and there are many people I hope will never read it), but it's the truth.

So this year, I want to figure that out. I want to know whether I want to keep acting, or throw in the towel. I want to figure out if I need to go back to school and get new, usable skills that can help me get a job I'm well-suited for, or if I should keep doing what I'm doing.

As a side note, acting is truly a craft. And it takes far more training and skill than most people realize. All the arts do. So if you meet someone attempting to make a living in the arts, support them. Don't think to yourself that they should get a "real" job. They have real jobs. And chances are good that they're far more passionate about their chosen careers than you are about yours. If they weren't, it'd be impossible to keep going. It's too hard to do if you don't love it with every fiber of your being.

And some people, like myself, are passionately in love with what they do, but hate the means to do it.


May your fresh year give you a fresh perspective on what you want in life.

~A~


(Jumping for joy after bowling a strike on my birthday)