Tug and Shift

(Two-Shots-Up and me on New Year's Eve. Yes, she's wearing my Hannah Montana wig.)

I'm becoming someone else. Someone that I never was. Quickly, it seems. I'm not yet sure if that's the someone who I want to be. But I feel like I need to give it a shot for awhile.

It's not a bad thing, I don't think. It's just something I'm keeping an eye on.

I'm making decisions a little faster. And making them with different things in mind.

I've decided to stop talking myself out of things and into things as often as I do. I'm going to be more impulsive. I'm going to own my emotions. And once I acknowledge them, I'm going to set them free instead of drowning in them.

I'm not the kind of person who let's things go. Anything. I hold on to moments for hours, days, weeks. I hang onto words, and run them through my brain like a river. I wonder what I could have done differently. What I could have said differently. Why other people say and do what they say and do.

I've realized recently that I'm a genuinely nice person. I don't do nice things so that I get credit for doing them, but rather I do them because I feel satisfied by making other people happy/relieved/secure. And because I'm nice, I get taken advantage of a great deal.

Maybe I need to be more selfish than I was before.

I think too hard about things. I like to feel like I'm in control of situations. I am overly concerned with the consequences of every action. And I have a hard time turning off that part of my brain.

In the last week, I've made several choices about where I was going and what I was doing that were not the sort of choices I would've made before. They were braver. Riskier. And perhaps not quite as nice as I usually am. I made them without thinking about other people.

It was liberating, actually. I stopped worrying about what people thought of me. I stopped worrying about what I was supposed to do, and did what I wanted to do. And so far, the results haven't been that bad.

I'm a little concerned about this lack of consideration for others. Or this lack of consideration in general. I didn't consider things; I just acted. I was forward. I was blunt. I was -- on a beginner's level -- adventurous.

On a small scale, I'm turning into a risk-taker. In a minute fashion, I'm becoming a libertine. And with baby steps, I'm discovering my inner hedonist.

Maybe it's just a phase.

In any case, I think I'm going to embrace it. For the time being, anyway.



I don't need a new year to make resolutions for myself. But the change of year is certainly a good reminder to make some.

Resolutions for 2009:

- Call my brothers more often.
- Stop trying to talk myself into things and out of things. Just let them happen, and take them as they are.
- Make up my own mind about things, instead of just agreeing with the opinions of others.
- Acknowledge my emotions and then let them go, instead of pushing them aside and letting them control me.
- Stop taking personal responsibility for the happiness of others.
- Be more assertive. Stop letting people take advantage of me just because I'm nice.
- Stop judging people based on their history or reputation.



May you tug your skirt, shift in your seat, and see how comfortable you are in a different position.

~A~