Jagged Little Transition

(Me on New Year's Eve)

I'm writing this at 11:30pm. I haven't eaten anything since 8:00am. And I'm not hungry.

Let's call that a side effect.

You see, today I did something that I thought I would never have to do again: I went back on medication for my ADHD.

I haven't been on meds since around May of 2007. I stopped taking them for multiple reasons. And as I was no longer in school, I didn't think I needed them (having a job is way different than being a student, and I could handle my workload without being medicated). And if I have the option of whether or not to introduce foreign chemicals into my body on a daily basis, I'd rather not.

Being unmedicated has its pros and cons, like everything else in life. One of the big pluses is that it's cheaper, plain and simple. I feel more like me. I have an appetite. I can drink alcohol without thinking about it (not that I take advantage of that very often, but it's nice to have the option). And frankly, I think I'm a better actor, as it makes me more impulsive. It also gives me more access to my vulnerability, and I can easily tap into my emotions.

Probably the biggest argument on the "con" side is where I'm left socially by being off meds. In my natural state, I am an acquired taste. There are a lot of things that I do that other people have a difficult time handling. I fidget constantly. I accidentally zone out mid-conversation. I make statements that seemingly come out of no where (because my thought process is quick and erratic, so things that make perfect sequential sense in my brain don't have clear connections for others). And I have a nasty habit of interrupting people (which I do my best to control), because I see nothing wrong with both of us talking simultaneously (somehow I can process both conversations at the same time... it took me YEARS to realize that other people cannot).

The social issues I faced in the beginning of my school year here made going back on meds a major temptation. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to stop feeling like a freak. But I also realized that I'm here to be an actor, not to make friends. And I knew that going on meds might have an adverse effect on my ability to do that.

In the middle of October, I realized that I'm not just an actor, but also a student. Yes, it hurts the actor a little to be on meds, but it helps the student tremendously.

I actually went off my meds for a semester of undergrad, just to see if I could. And I did. I was in three shows that semester, while taking a full course load, and I still made the Dean's List. I was incredibly proud of that. And I have NEVER worked so hard in my life as I did that semester.

It occurred to me that ADHD puts me at a significant disadvantage as a student. Taking medication for it isn't cheating, nor is it giving up. And it isn't lazy either. All medication does is put me on an equal playing ground to everybody else. And by not taking meds, I was doing myself a disservice. Because if I accomplished all that I did that semester without the benefits of medication, just imagine what I could do with them. So I went back on meds for my senior year, and those last two semesters I ended up with the highest grades of my college career.

After a long conversation with one of my roommates about the pros and cons in the first week of November, I decided to make an appointment. And due to my doctor having to cancel my appointment (death in the family), I didn't meet with her until this week.

My doctor put me on a prescription for the same drug I was on in undergrad, but half the amount. She referred to it as a "mild adult dosage", which she thought was a good idea considering how "tiny" I am (which is funny, because I weighed 20 pounds less when I had the last prescription).

I know from experience that it takes about three days for my system to acclimate itself to whatever new medication I'm giving it. And those three days are always a rollercoaster. One time I actually forgot my own birthday, was unable to read properly, and started making violent threats against people. I was yanked off of that drug after I had a four-hour emotional breakdown over absolutely nothing (NOTE: that drug is now one of the most commonly prescribed drugs for ADHD. It was given to me after it had just hit the market. Turns out, I'm in the .3% of people who has a bad reaction to it.) Usually, it's not that bad, but I don't know how it's going to change me. I might be moodier. I might be funnier. Flirtier. Sleepier. Dirtier. Sometimes I get headaches. Sometimes I laugh or cry without warning. Sometimes the sight of food makes me want to throw up.

So today was day #1, which happened to coincide with my first day back to classes (something that I had originally intended to avoid by scheduling my appointment mid-break). I snapped at one of my classmates when she was trying to joke with me. I cried hysterically when I was driving home from school (insane, vocalizing kind of crying, as though I'd just been told someone had died). And then I had a spastic laughing fit over NOTHING (luckily, I was home and there were no witnesses). So I guess we're in mood swing territory this time.

I had memory problems. I kept unlocking my locker, only to lock it again without taking anything out. I went on an errand, but left everything I needed at school, and had to go back. That was frustrating.

I've also been incredibly jittery. Not fidgety, but shaky. My teeth have been chattering and my body shaking even though I'm not cold.

And, as I mentioned, I've lost my appetite. I keep trying to convince myself to eat something (as the lack of food is probably part of the reason that I'm shaky), looking at food, and then feeling disgusted by the thought of it and walking away.

This is a symptom that I'm very familiar with. I remember once when I was going back on meds, I couldn't look at food for about 48 hours. At that point, I tried to eat a breadstick, and my body physically would not (could not?) swallow it. It wasn't until I was shaking quite badly and I knew I was about to pass out that I got some Doritos out of a vending machine and started breaking them up into small pieces and swallowing them with water as though they were antibiotics. Another time, I hadn't eaten in about a day and a half, and my mother convinced me to at least have a milkshake from McDonald's so that I'd have some calories in my system. But that load of sugar was such a shock to my system that my heart went into some really scary arrhythmia.

I just convinced myself to have a glass of light chocolate soy milk. It has 19 grams of sugar, so I'll probably have to force down some form of solid food before I go to bed in order to balance things out. No weird heart palpitations so far, though.

I know it probably sounds awful (it isn't a picnic), but I'm willing to go through a few days of unpleasantness. It's worth it. It's like so many other things in life. You have to go through the bad things to get to the good ones. In a couple of days, I'll be back to my old self again; a slightly more functional version of myself, but still me.

The hardest part of this transition is that it's a secret. I've decided not to tell my schoolmates (with the exception of my roommates) that I'm going on meds. Because I don't want there to be an expectation that I'm suddenly going to be easier to handle. Because I don't want my stranger moments to get responses of, "Are you SURE you took your meds today?" (one of the most hurtful comments that a person taking meds can hear). Because it's none of their business. And mostly because I'm not doing it for them; I'm doing it for me.



May you know what it takes to be who you need to be.
May you know whether the pros are outweighing the cons.
May you be willing to deal with the bad to get to the good.
And if you're going to change, may you do it for the right reasons.

~A~



P.S. I have been nominated for 2 (TWO!!!) Bootleg Awards at 20-Something Bloggers. My nominations were for "Most Sincere" and "Most Encouraging/Inspirational". If you are a member of 20-Something Bloggers, don't forget to vote. For me, that is. VOTING HERE