Guest Post: A Late Christmas Wish

This is a guest post by Brandy, who writes It's like I'm... mmmagic!. I read it first on Stylish Handwriting, and am following the request for reposting. Saying prayers for Brandy and her Hot Awesome Dude.

~A~

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My name is brandy. And I have a blog.

And a plea.

I use my blog to showcase the crazy I meet everyday, share the stories of the kids I teach and document my love for tequila, dairy products and the abdominal muscles of Ryan Reynolds. Rarely do I talk about personal issues on my blog- as personal as the dude that I adore (who I actually met through my blog- single ladies, let that be a very good reason to blog, the possibility of meeting someone as wonderful as my man), but I need your help. And it involves my dude.

He’s a guy who made math comics for my class, so they would love learning about addition. He’s the kinda guy who sends my friends gift cards when they are having hard times, who remembers every story I ever told him, who was the first person I celebrated with when I got a teaching job. He’s the guy who sent flowers to me at school- dozens of my favourite pink roses just because he loves me. He’s a guy who has spent a year patiently explaining (and re-explaining) everything there is to know about football during the important games when silence is preferred. He’s made me word puzzles and comics and stayed up late playing Scrabble with me (even though I beat him almost every time). He’s listened to me cry about school and family and jobs. He is everything I never knew I needed and everything I always knew I wanted.

The holidays have hit us hard. He’s recently been told he may have something called multiple myeloma- an incurable cancer, that gives a person an average of five years of continued life. Though this news has came as a shock, he continues to be exactly who has always been- spending his time worrying about me, rather than worrying about himself. He’s the most selfless individual I know- (he stayed late on Christmas Eve to work, so his co-workers could leave early) and a post like this would never be something that he would promote or encourage but when I’m overwhelmed and feeling helpless, the blogging community has always given me tremendous support and comfort, two things I desperately need at this time.

As I write this, the future is uncertain and we aren’t sure what’s happening. He’ll need to see an oncologist soon, to verify what’s going on in his body. My hope is that everyone who reads this think positive thoughts and if you are a person who prays, could you add him to your list? (You can refer to him as ‘brandy’s hot awesome dude’). If you don’t pray, please keep him in your heart.This cancer is only a possibility and I believe that the prayers and positive thoughts of people can make sure it never becomes a reality.

I want to give a big thank you to the blog owner who scraped their original blog plans and graciously put this up. My goal is to get as many people as possible to see and read this post. If you are reading this and want to help, copy and paste my plea into your blog or send a link through twitter, so more people can keep him in their thoughts. I would be so very grateful (even more grateful than I am to my friend who first showed me the picture of Ryan Reynolds on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. If you haven’t seen it, Google it. You. Are. Welcome).

I realize this all sounds dramatic, a Lifetime movie in the making- but this is life. Right now. And I’m throwing away any hint of ego and am humbly asking for you to pray or think kind thoughts. If you are able to pass this on, thank you and if you know anything regarding MM- please email me (my email is on my blog). This isn’t a call for sympathy or a plea for pity. It’s just one girl hoping you can think positive thoughts for the person she adores. If my current heartache provides you with anything, let it be with the reminder that life is short, love is unbending and no one knows what could happen next. Maybe it is silly, but I really do believe that positive thoughts can make a huge difference. Thank you for reading this and if you haven’t already? Please tell someone you love them today.

I did.

Best of 2009 (abridged)

#best09 ???

I've been reading other people's blogs following those "Best of 2009" prompts. And really, I didn't feel like doing it every day, but I did want to look back on my year and at least answer some of them. So here are the ones that I felt were worth mentally revisiting.


What was your best trip in 2009?
Okay, trips I took this year:
- I went to Tallahassee a couple of times to visit my then-boyfriend, The Filmmaker
- I went to Disney World on day trips twice in May.
- I was in Connecticut to work this summer.
- I flew to Tallahassee to act in a short film.
- I went to Connecticut for Thanksgiving.
- And I flew to Connecticut on December 13th (where I will be until the end of December) for the holidays.

I'm going to say my best trip was when I went to film the movie. Because anything involving The Filmmaker just seems depressing in retrospect. And I did learn a lot by working on that film. If I were allowed to, I'd put it on the internet and show it to you. It's just a goofy little 6-minute thing, but I like it.


What book - fiction or non - touched you? Where were you when you read it?
I read a fair amount this year, considering how much else was on my plate. I finally read Ender's Game (which The Filmmaker lent to me), which I loved.

But best of the year? That has to go to the whole Jessica Darling series. The first book in the series was Sloppy Firsts, which I read not long after I started this blog. This year, I read the final two books in the series: Fourth Comings and Perfect Fifths. I read both on my breaks in the dressing room for the last play I was in. Fourth Comings was mostly during Tech Week, and Perfect Fifths was during the run.

One of the things I love most about the series is how much it challenges me. I'm a pretty sharp cookie with a relatively extensive vocabulary, and I have to look up a word every couple of pages. I know what you're thinking: "She's over-estimating her vocabulary". But no. I have some very intelligent classmates, and when I asked THEM about the definitions of words during tech week, no one ever had an answer for me, even when given context. I had to make a list of words to Google when I got home. (And occasionally of pop culture references, especially ones from the 1980s).

I love the main character. She and I have a great deal in common (I know that everyone tries to liken themselves to their favorite book characters, but I swear there are a lot of obvious parallels... It's not like when I generically compared my childhood self to Hermione because I was a know-it-all with messy hair). She's far more clever than I, but also more cynical (vaguely Daria-style). And what I love most about her is that she's so very flawed (this is also the reason that the 5th Harry Potter book is my favorite: because Harry turns into kind of a jerk and stops being so sympathetic).

The fourth book left me confused and tangled. The first three took place over long periods of time (The first book is about 6 months, I think... The second is a couple of years, and the third is her entire college experience), but the fourth was quick (it took place over the course of a week. A WEEK). Also, it had a different story-telling device (the first three were comprised of letters and personal journals, but the fourth was a journal that WAS a letter... which sounds the same, but felt jarring. The entire book was the answer to a question.) As soon as I finished it, I think I shouted, "WHAT?!", and then immediately ordered the next book.

From the get-go, Book 5 was different from the others. Sort of magical. And the narration was omniscient. Completely, completely different. But the characters that I'd grown to love were there, and I was sucked in anyway. So the final book in the series (which takes place over the course of JUST ONE DAY) made me laugh, cry, scream at the characters, and just generally be filled with intense emotions for having come this far with a story.

And it worked. It won. And I loved it. And I cannot wait to read this series again. Seriously, I haven't been this excited about a series since Harry Potter. It hit me at the perfect time in my life, and I love it so deeply, I can't even articulate it. So, so, so good. Love.


Did you have a night out with friends or a loved one that rocked your world? Who was there? What was the highlight of the night?
Quasi-depressing answer... The best night of my year was probably the night that I first hung out with The Filmmaker and his Director friend. After a night of karaoke, we got Sonic and drove to the water, and talked until 3am. Me and two guys (because for whatever reason, I get along better with guys than girls) just hanging out and talking about nothing and everything. It felt like the first time I hung out with Brian at a Steak & Shake. I just felt... relaxed. And safe. And valuable. It was nice.


Blog find of the year. That gem of a blog you can't believe you didn't know about until this year.
I think it has to be ...love Maegan. She's a fashionista and a crafter, and she's just so darn likable.


Moment of peace. An hour or a day or a week of solitude. What was the quality of your breath? The state of your mind? How did you get there?
Through "...love Maegan", I found The Universal Breathing Room. I wrote about it here.


Album of the year. What's rocking your world?
Tough year to pick! Here are some of the albums I remember having acquired this year, with asterisks next to the ones I recommend:
*- "Come to Life" by Natalie Imbruglia.
*- "Everybody" by Ingrid Michaelson
*- "SONOSings" by Sonos
- "Siren" by Heather Nova
*- "Amanda Leigh" by Mandy Moore
*- "A Bomb in a Birdcage" by A Fine Frenzy
*- "Limits of the Sky" by The Bridges
- "Perfectly Clear" by Jewel
*- "Make Believe" by Platinum Weird
- "First Band on the Moon" by The Cardigans
*- "The Villers" by The Villers
- "West Side Story" Original Broadway Cast Recording
*- "Funhouse" by Pink
*- "The Fame" by Lady Gaga
- "The Lizzie McGuire Movie Soundtrack"
- "The Lizzie McGuire Soundtrack"
- "The Pulp Fiction Soundtrack"
- "All I Ever Wanted" by Kelly Clarkson (just got it today, and haven't heard enough to recommend it yet)

Natalie Imbruglia is my favorite singer, and "Come to Life" might be my favorite album of hers yet. I have an iPod dock in my car, but it's pretty much gone unused since I got this album in October, because I've just been playing the CD all the time. HIGHLY RECOMMEND!!!

Amanda Leigh by Mandy Moore is fantastic. If you're only familiar with Mandy Moore's bubble gum pop phase, please give her another chance. Her album Wild Hope is one of the best in my collection. Amanda Leigh isn't QUITE Wild Hope in my eyes (although it was reviewed better by most critics), but it's still great.

I love The Bridges, and I wish they would get more attention. Limits of the Sky is their first album. (I bought their EP in 2008 after seeing them open for The Bangles). It's gorgeous music, and really fun. I would call them pop, but they have sort of a folk/country/pop sound. There are four female singers in the group (they're cousins) and a male drummer (who doesn't sing). And they are really worth checking out.


What's the best change you made to the place you live?
We hung up art. It looks like a real home now.


When did you get your best rush of the year?
The understudy run for The Winter's Tale, hands down. I had a great, powerful role (Paulina), and I knew I was rocking it. And it felt great. I wish there had been a full audience.


Word or phrase. A word that encapsulates your year. "2009 was _____."
2009 was full of disappointments. I had a terribly failed relationship. I had lousy casting. I had a bunch of things that I've already complained too much about, I'm sure. It was a learning experience, as all unhappy times are. But I'm hoping that 2010 makes things shape up a bit. (Even the number "2010" looks happier than "2009", don't you think?)


Shop. Online or offline, where did you spend most of your mad money this year?
I have friends who work at Express and who are happy to share discounts with me, so I bought more there than I normally would have. And I look hot in all of it.


New person. She came into your life and turned it upside down. He went out of his way to provide incredible customer service. Who is your unsung hero of 2009?
The person who had the greatest impact on my life was undoubtedly The Filmmaker. But the person I think I learned the most from was my boss from the store I worked at over the summer (and am working at again while I'm home on break). She's one of those people who can respond to anything you bring up with "I used to sell that", "I'm trained in that", "I know a guy who...", etc. She's trained in Feng Shui, handwriting analysis, and dog whispering. She's worked like 80 different jobs. And if she doesn't know how to do something, she knows a guy, guaranteed. I can't tell you how much I've learned from her.


Web tool. It came into your work flow this year and now you couldn't live without it. It has simplified or improved your online experience.
I have three buttons on my browser that make everything better. I've named them "Share", "Note", and "Wish". The "Share" button makes things shared on Facebook. The "Note" button makes things noted in Google Reader. The "Wish" button (the newest of the three) puts things on my Universal Amazon Wishlist (you can put stuff on even if it's not on Amazon). They make my life a lot easier.


What's a gift you gave yourself this year that has kept on giving?
I gave myself Joy when I needed it the most. Shopping therapy. I had a really terrible September. So in October, I bought the next book in the "Jessica Darling" series, and Natalie Imbruglia's latest album. And then I went out and bought myself a pretty new dress. Should I have been spending money? Absolutely not. And normally, I would have spread out the joy from the CD I knew I'd love and the joy from the book I knew I'd love. But I needed every ounce of happiness I could get at that moment in time, so I went for it. And I'm glad I did. I don't indulge my inner-child enough. Sometimes she needs to get her way and be healed with good music, good books, and pretty things.


What was your biggest belly laugh of the year?
I don't know if it's the biggest, but a recent one is from my youngest brother. While playing the song "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree", he discovered that the lyric, "Maybe we'll have some pun'kin pie," sounds a lot like, "Maybe we'll have some f***in' pie". He's been playing that part of the song over and over again, and it makes me laugh every time.


Resolution you wish you'd stuck with. (You know, there's always next year...)
"Stop taking personal responsibility for the happiness of others." It was a goal at the beginning of the year, and I think I failed quite badly.






May you try to remember the "bests" instead of the "worsts".

~A~

My Morbid Mind

Back in the days when I claimed to be a psychology major (or maybe it was in a high school psych class... both are now far enough removed from my consciousness that they're barely distinguishable), I remember learning about the nature of morbid thoughts.

- It is common for children to have the vengeful thought, "If I died, they'd be sorry they did this to me." (in which "this" could refer to being punished, not being allowed to eat ice cream instead of dinner, having to go to bed on time, taking another person's side in an argument, etc.)
- It is common for people who feel undervalued to think, "If I died, they'd see just how valuable I really am."
- It is common for people with low self-esteem to think, "If I were dead, it wouldn't even matter."


My morbid thought isn't on that list.

Mine is more like...

"Maybe it'd be better for me to die young. Because when you die young, they talk about how great you were and how you had so much potential. They assume you would've achieved so much. It's better than dying after a life where your so-called "potential" led to nothing. Maybe I'd be less of a disappointment to everyone if I died sooner rather than later."


Don't worry. I'm not suicidal. And this thought doesn't last long when it comes. But I feel like it's something that I can't say out loud to anyone. And it was weighing on me tonight.

So thank you, internet, for once again providing me a therapeutic outlet where I can vent my inner demons. I love you.



May you make the most of your life.

~A~


P.S. Merry Christmas Eve

My Eleven o'Clock Number

Someone taped our Musical Theatre showing. Unfortunately, it's blurry and from too far away. Also, the audio and visuals are a bit out of sync right now. We think it has something to do with the file type, so when I get back to Florida I'm going to see if there's a way to convert them...

But anyway. I thought I'd share it in case you were interested.



~A~

Assessed

(Newbie, All-The-Way, and me as "The New Three Graces" at our Movement Showing. 12/04/09)


I won't lie: I was scared going into assessments this semester. Assessments come at the end of the semester, and you sit in a room with all your professors (past and present), and they read written statements about your work during the semester (in the classroom and on stage). My assessments went well my first and second semesters here, so really, I don't know why I was worried. But I was.

The first 6 weeks of Movement class were hard on me because the stretching unit was a big ball of frustration for me, a person who is generally TOO stretched out. And in both my Acting and Voice classes, we went through units of Shakespeare scansion in which we're using methods that are both occasionally contradictory to each other, and are also quite different from my previous training on the subject (training that I regard highly and deem to be quite excellent... which made me unintentionally resistant to the subject matter at times).

And on top of that, I didn't get great casting this year. And I still don't know why. I just keep thinking that I'm doing something wrong, or angering someone... It has made me incredibly insecure.

But to quote the Spice Girls, "all you need is positivity." And that's the state of mind I'm living in now. Assessments went really, very well for me again this semester. And I'm relieved.

I know it's bad form to brag. So that's why I do it on this blog; so I won't be tempted to do it in life.

You've been warned. If you don't want to read all the lovely and positive things that my professors said about my work this semester, then stop reading now. :)

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Some quotations from my assessments (and these are word for word, because they give us printed copies of what they say to us):

"Angela, you are the perfect student."

"The MFA review panel has identified the following as areas of strength: work ethic, application, enthusiasm, intelligence"

"Angela, I'm happy to congratulate you for an excellent semester's work. You're starting to put it all together: your huge dramatic imagination, your ability to tap into deep pools of feeling, growing technical excellence, a fanatical interest in the rules of scansion, and a sense of humor. You are charismatic on the stage because you take joy in performing. I, for one, can't get enough of you."

"Strong choices, strong opinions. This is very impressive in one so young."

"...you've made good progress since working on Andromache - a performance, by the way, that was perfectly beautiful."

"I have high hopes for you, Angela. Keep up the good work."

"Your speech work is clear and precise, and this semester I can hear you truly beginning to integrate speech into your voice so that it sounds natural; speech that has ease and accuracy."

"Based on your transcription and spoken R.P. dialect work, you obviously seem to have a very good ear and are proficient at learning dialect - this will be invaluable as we move into more complex dialect work next semester!" (Note: She also wrote that I got 100% on my written R.P. exam, and 100% on my spoken R.P. dialect exam)

"Beautiful, accurate work in both scoring and speaking a scored Shakespeare text!"

"You were a bit uncertain about some of the Shakespeare scoring, but you were willing to take my corrections and ultimately to keep a flexible, open mind."

"You come to voice class ready to work and enthusiastic about the work."

(on a show we did for Acting class)
"...breath, vocal production, forward placement, clarity and use of speech - in all these aspects you applied the techniques of voice class to your work on the stage. Your voice was expressive, integrated both body resonance and head resonance, was linked to impulse, and played your pitch ladder freely - truly excellent vocal work!"

(on the show I was in this semester)
"...throughout the rehearsal process, dress runs, preview, you took all voice/speech notes and made successful adjustments. You were able to find and se new character motivated vocal choices skillfully. And you maintained your good work throughout the run of the show."

"Angela, a wonderful semester!"

"Angela is very playful in contact improv. She is generally in control of her body, very willing to take weight and lift others, and is comfortable being lifted."

"She is breathing very well, and her alignment is stable in movement class, which is a great accomplishment."

"In ballet she is beginning to find her way into technique - when she gets the line it is perfect. She has a perfect body for ballet..."

"...her love of dancing and movement across the spectrum is infectious, and her ability to do new things safely has grown exponentially since last year. She is also a good partner in both contact and dance, and I look forward to her work in commedia, renaissance, and baroque dance, where her ability to act the dance will play to her advantage."

"One other thing, Angela has beautiful arms and hands and I encourage her to use them."

"A lovely semester."


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And (since I know you were at the brink of hating me for all the bragging) here are the things I wasn't great at, and things that I get to work on in the coming semester:

"The MFA Review Panel identified the following as areas needing improvement: committing to subtler choices"

"Now we must work on subtlety and nuance. You gravitate toward hardness and toughness. But if you want to be a contender in the Leading Lady Sweepstakes, which is your destiny, you must also prove that you can play characters who aren't so sure of themselves, who don't have all the answers, or who are out of balance. And you must be able to play women in whom a kind of feminine refinement is an essential ingredient."

"Angela started out the semester frustrated with the differences between her body and the bodies of others: she is much looser than most people and so didn't always feel the resistance stretches as easily as her classmates (lifting weights is a more useful strength building technique for her) and became frustrated. She solved this issue on her own."

"She often locked her knees in [play]. This may have been a result of shoes that were too big, but in any case it is an old pattern to watch out for because it throws her into lordosis, head pushing, pushing her chest forward."

"...needs to increase her overall strength and awareness of what she is doing, specifically with her limbs. She has made great improvement in this area, but could do more on her own by using a mirror, looking at what she is doing from the front and what she is doing from the side."


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Sometimes, you need to be told that you're doing alright.

I'm glad that I am.


May you be better than alright.

~A~


P.S. Don't you wish I blogged more? If I get a 20SB Bootleg Award Nomination, I'll try to do just that. :) My 20SB URL is http://www.20sb.net/profile/angelaboration

Off-Limits

(Me and friends at an opening night party on 12/04/09)


I talked to Brian tonight. He's getting deployed again. And for the longest time ever. It's going to be weird not being able to call him up. We have an incredibly (and shockingly) functional exes-who-went-back-to-being-good-friends friendship.

I talked to him tonight about the weird boy drama in my life. There are things that have happened recently that I feel like I can't talk about down here. Perhaps that I shouldn't even acknowledge.

Usually, my flirting radar is defective in the sense that I don't notice when it's going off. For so long, I've held this concept of "As Good As Gay" in my mind. To remind you (because I wrote this post long before many of you knew this blog existed)...

In the past, I have often placed men in a category that I call "As Good As Gay". For one reason or another, I have (consciously or unconsciously) deemed them off-limits, crush-wise. Reasons that a male might be put on this list include:

1. I am in a relationship. (automatically makes all other men AGAG because of my famously successful "relationship blinders")
2. He is in a relationship.
3. He is interested in another female on a level somewhere between “significant crush” and “stalker-like obsession”. (You would be surprised how many times I've come across the latter... usually it has to do with "the girl who got away")
4. One of my friends is interested in him.
5. He has previously dated one of my friends.
6. He lives far away.
7. We have never actually met in real life.
8. He's actually gay.
9. I suspect that he MIGHT be gay.
10. He is friends with one of my exes.
11. He is in my class/program. (this one was added when I came down to grad school)
12. He is under the age of 22 or over the age of 29. (I just made up this rule right now, because I think those are probably my extremes, dating-wise, at my present age of 25. Although according to this formula, I could date anywhere from 19.5-36 before things got creepy.)

And honestly, the thought of dating someone who gets labeled AGAG doesn't enter my mind. Unless he does something that changes that. Which usually involves flirting with me in an obvious manner. Or flat out telling me that 1. he wants to date me, 2. he wants to kiss me, 3. he would dump his girlfriend for me... you know. Something along those lines.

So, fine, once the switch gets flipped, all rules are off. Examples:
- I dated Ex #1, who had previously made-out with one of my best friends, and whom about 5 of my friends had crushes on before I dated... Awkward.
- I dated Ex #2, whom my then-roommate (the same girl who had made out with Ex #1) had a crush on not long before. Also, he had a crush on another girl when we started dating (which I didn't actually know about until a few weeks into dating him, but continued to date him anyway. Actually, I should thank her... Part of the reason I started this blog was because he said his crush on her developed out of his love for her blog. So thank you, blogger-chick-whom-my-ex-had-a-crush-on. You changed my life).
- I dated Brian, who was in Nebraska while I was in Chicago. Also, my crush on Brian totally began while I was dating Ex #2 (although I think I already knew things weren't going to work out with him).
- I dated The Filmmaker, who was over a 5-hour drive away... and continued dating him when he was in California, and I was in Connecticut/Florida.
- I went on a date with a 38-year-old when I was 21. (Note: After finding out that he was 38, there was no second date.)
- I kissed a guy who was a 3rd-year in my program when I was a 1st-year. (Note: this is precisely why I don't drink anymore.)


I feel wrong about going into the awkward male situations in my life at the moment... but to satisfy a little curiosity...

- Guys who are in relationships who seem to be hitting on me. (I have to write "seem to be" instead of "are obviously" because it feels somehow safer if I don't fully admit to it, even on here. It just seems so wrong... Actually, I'm only positive about one of them still being in a relationship. The other could very well have broken up with his girlfriend by now, but I'm treating him like he has one until I know otherwise.)
- Guys who have previously dated (or quasi-dated) my friends who now appear to be hitting on me.
- Guys who have hooked up with my roommate are hitting on me (including one who hit on me the same day that he had woken up at my house).
- A guy who is friends with one of my exes has a crush on me.
- A guy who is out of my self-instituted datable age range is hitting on me.

So basically, they're all off-limits, by my own definition. And normally, they'd be AGAG... but they're flipping switches all over the place, and that makes it all much harder to handle.

And there are so many thoughts that fly through my head about these things, but I can't say anything. Because I don't want to spread rumors. Because I don't want to upset anyone. And because what if I'm wrong? What if they're just being friendly, and I'm so lonely that some part of me is, dare I say it, wanting it to be something more?


I will admit to the following:

1. I like to flirt. I'm not terribly good at it. And I don't always know that I'm doing it. But okay, fine. Yes. I'm a flirt.

2. Touch is my strongest sense, according to me, my Movement Professor, and probably most of my classmates (which is unusual; people are more likely to have sight or hearing as their strongest sense). So I touch people a lot. And I acknowledge that could be construed as flirtation.

3. I have social anxiety, and touching people is actually one of my coping mechanisms. It grounds me, somehow. So in large groups of people, I find a way to work touch into conversations as much as possible. And I acknowledge that it could be construed as flirtation.

4. I am an non-discriminant cuddler, and I believe in platonic cuddling. I will cuddle with anyone, regardless of my attraction to them. And I acknowledge that it could be construed as flirtation.

5. I often dance in a suggestive manner. As a result, I have a general rule that I will only dance with people after giving them a verbal disclaimer that I dance in a suggestive manner, and that it does not mean that I want them. (I haven't danced with anyone lately, but I felt this belonged on the list because of past transgressions.)

6. I have lately been mentioning on a regular basis just how lonely I am. I actually said it on Tuesday while I was on stage in front of 22 of my schoolmates. I acknowledge in retrospect that statements like this could lead someone to believe that I am looking for offers... Which I'm not (as far as I know).

Yes, I flirt. Yes, I cuddle. Yes, I encourage people to touch me. And yes, I'm guilty of more than I'll be admitting on the internet tonight.

And I realized something particularly horrible about myself yesterday. Brace yourself:

Sometimes it feels safer to flirt with people who are unattainable.

Because really, I don't want to be in a relationship right now. I don't want to become "...and Angela". I don't. So as stupid as it is, I think I'm actually MORE likely to flirt with people in relationships. Or, at the very least, I'm likely to flirt BACK when they initiate it. I don't always realize that I'm doing it at the time, but I see it retrospectively.

But in my defense:

1. I once slapped a guy who had a girlfriend who said "kissin' ain't cheatin'" and tried to kiss me in his car. And I plan to do the same to any future non-single guy who attempts to make any sort of move on me. I do not condone cheating, and I will not be a part of it. Period. (NOTE TO BOYS: The difference between cheating on a girlfriend and not cheating is picking up a phone and breaking up with her first. If you're not willing to do that, then you shouldn't be trying to hook up with anyone but her.)

2. I very directly stated to TWO of the guys hitting on me that I am not going to sleep with them. (Which, frankly, they should have realized, as they are both well aware of my lack of a sexual past.)

3. I very directly stated to one of them that nothing is going to happen between us because he has a girlfriend.

4. As soon as I (very recently) found out a guy had a past quasi-relationship with a friend of mine, I stopped talking to him. Out of sight, out of mind.


I was talking to a classmate yesterday very vaguely about the things I've mentioned here. She basically said.
1. She thinks I'm an attention whore.
2. She doesn't think that what I actually want is someone to cuddle with (which I've been thinking would be the solution to my physical-loneliness problem), because she thinks I could easily get that if I wanted it. She thinks the issue is more complicated that that.

I don't think of myself as an attention whore. Although, I am a blogger, so that's not exactly evidence to the contrary.

But maybe she's right on the cuddle buddy issue.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay, I suddenly got a feeling of déjà vu as I was typing this post, so I took a break and I checked over my archives... And I found a post that I actually deleted after the initial posting (well, "Saved as Draft", if you want to get technical) that I wrote 11 months ago. A post where I mentioned the very same "kissin' ain't cheatin'" story, in fact. A post where I wrote about 4 guys who were interested in me under strange circumstances.

And that deleted post involves one of the very same people that I'm writing this post about. I actually wrote, "...it has been strange for me to be around him. Less comfortable than normal. I guess that night flipped the switch. Maybe he's no longer easily fitting into my tidy little label of As Good As Gay."

Which means his switch was flipped way back then. And then he went back into AGAG territory (probably around the time of The Filmmaker, if not The Engineer). And here we are again, at the end of the year that we started off in an awkward position.

The deleted post was deleted for a reason... but Past Angela just surprised Present Angela with this:

"But I'm not going to lie: I liked it. More than I'd like to admit. If he were single, I probably would've let things go in a different direction that night."

OH. MY. WORD.

I don't even want him! I don't! I swear! He's wrong for me, I'm wrong for him, we're wrong for each other. And IF he's intending to hit on me as he has been, I'm sure it's purely out of his need for chasing unattainable sexual conquests, and not because he's interested in me on a romantic level, and I have no desire to be used in such a manner.

But, man, the game is fun sometimes. Maybe it's because I know it's not going anywhere. Maybe that's why it feels safe. Maybe that's why. And it's got to stop. I have to stop flirting with him. Have. To. Stop. Now.

I'm leaving for a couple of weeks. To Connecticut, with my family, where I'll be working, and in a state where the only males I know that I'm not related to are over the age of 50. A state in which there is absolutely zero potential for flirtation.

I told Brian that. I thought this hiatus from temptation would be a good thing. He thinks the opposite. He thinks that as soon as I come back, my emotional baggage is going to explode after having been packed away for weeks. I hope he's wrong, but I'm not sure if he is.

So here we are. Another un-concluded post. *sigh*


May you be able to stay within your limits.

~A~



P.S. Don't you wish I blogged more? If I get a 20SB Bootleg Award Nomination, I'll try to do just that. :) My 20SB URL is http://www.20sb.net/profile/angelaboration

P.P.S. After this post, I thought it appropriate to throw in a quotation from one of my favorite book series...

"The tales we tell ourselves about ourselves make us who we are... and who we might be."
~ Jessica Darling, "Perfect Fifths" by Megan McCafferty


P.P.P.S. I ate an entire bag of Christmas-colored sour gummy bears while composing this post. And they were delicious.

I've Got Moves You've Never Seen

I thought you guys might get a kick out of seeing me doing classwork. So here are some videos of me doing contact improv (as mentioned in previous post) and dancing.

(Note: The contact improv videos are just as good watched on mute... you know, for those of you who are reading this at work.)


Me and Killer doing contact improv with the theme "Growing Up":


Me and D-Train doing contact improv with the theme "Negative Space":


Me, Newbie, and All-The-Way doing contact improv with the theme "The New Three Graces":


O.D., Iceman, me, Thrill, and D-Train rehearsing for our tap dancing (me and my men!):


The 11 of '11 rehearsing our ballet number (Sadly, this is the only video I have of the ballet, and it's not a great run-through. And the filming isn't great, and you barely see me. Oh well. Trust me when I say I'm good at it, and use your imagination.):



The other videos of me are:
- All-The-Way, Angela, & Newbie (aka The New Three Graces) 1-minute contact improv rehearsal (theme: "Séance")
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4vMBXC5FDYM
- Angela & D-Train 1-minute contact improv rehearsal (theme: "Negative Space") (unfortunately, the person operating my video camera was confused and held it sideways... but it was a solid rehearsal)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lp4pAN209SU
- Angela & Killer 1-minute contact improv rehearsal (theme: "Bubble Bath")
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xz6P6GMk91Y
- Angela, D-Train, Iceman, O.D., & Thrill tap showing (this is better than the rehearsal video above, and my solo looks way better, but it's taped from behind)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irWsp_jrpwU
- The 11 of '11 doing a full class contact improv:
http://www.youtube.com/v/ZwYJjUdcZy8




May you have all the right moves.

~A~

Stories About Whom I've Become

Well, aside from the more bizarre fashion experiments that I've been making as of late (photo here being one of the less bizarre things I've worn... I wore a tutu to a bar last weekend. You know, like ya do), my life hasn't been all that exciting. But I've had a few things happen to me in the past week or so that are aligning themselves in my head tonight. And I wonder what these things say about me. So I thought maybe you could help me out with that...

Am I weak? Am I a pushover? Am I a people-pleaser? Am I a well-intentioned person who goes awry? Am I a fight-picker? Am I a complainer?

Or am I (wouldn't this be a shock) just a normal girl?



Story #1: The Song
In September, I e-mailed several of my male classmates to see if any one of them would like to sing the duet "A Stud and a Babe" from the musical I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change with me at a Late Night (aka a student produced piece of theatre that is usually one-night-only) in February (there is generally a love-themed variety show style late night near Valentine's Day). D-Train e-mailed me back saying, "Why not? I'll do it with you." Needless to say, I was pleased.

He called me yesterday. Some of the 3rd-Year students are putting on a Late Night in a few weeks filled with duets, and one of them asked D-Train to sing "A Stud and a Babe" with her for that. So D-Train called me up, and asked if I still wanted to do it for the Love Late Night...

Now, being that I'm the sort of person that I am, the conversation went like so:

Angela: It's okay. You can do it with her.
D-Train: Really? Because you asked me to do it first.
Angela: No, it's okay. It was just a thought I had.
D-Train: Angela...
Angela: You can do it with her.
D-Train: Tell me how you really feel. You're just being nice right now, aren't you...
Angela: It's fine. We can find another duet for the Love Late Night.
D-Train: No, Angela. Are you just being nice? Or do you really not care.
Angela: Well, I am being nice, but I'm not heartbroken or anything.
D-Train: You asked first. I won't do it with her if you still want to do it.
Angela: I don't even have the sheet music yet. If she wants to do it...
D-Train: I don't think you mean that.
Angela: ...
D-Train: I will do it with you if you want to do it.
Angela: ... Can I think about it?
D-Train: Can you give me an answer tomorrow?
Angela: Okay.

Clearly, D-Train is a good friend. And probably knows me a little better than I know myself, sometimes.

I came home, and just felt weird about it. I don't want to seem like a mean person. I don't want to seem like I'm claiming it out of spite (like, "YOU can't do that song! That's MY song!"). But clearly, I did want to do it. And it wasn't even really about doing it with D-Train (although honestly, I'm really glad that he wanted to do it, because I'd LOVE to do it with him), as I asked several guys to do it with me. It was (at least initially) about the song.

But this other girl... I guess, I don't want her to be disappointed. She doesn't have great casting this year (and mine isn't terrific either, so I know how lousy that makes you feel), and I want her to be able to do something that she wants to do. And so if she wants to do this song, then I want her to do it.

Also, I don't want her to be mad at me. (Because, as I said in the last post, my ultimate goal in most situations is just for everyone to like me).

And also... I don't want her to do the song with someone other than D-Train... and then feel like D-Train and I shouldn't do it at the Love Late Night anyway, because it was just done. (This last point, admittedly, is probably more my overactive imagination at work than anything else.)

I ended up sending D-Train a text message a couple of minutes ago saying that I do still want to do the song with him, if it's not too late to request that... But if she seems heartbroken, I'll yield.


Story #2: The Understudy
There's a rumor going around that next year, the theatre is going to do a production of My Fair Lady (this would be with the big theatre company, which my class will be part of next year, meaning that there's a chance that we might get cast in it).

We already know that none of us will be cast as the female lead, Eliza Doolittle (long story, but we do know that), but there's a possibility that someone in my class might get to understudy it.

As soon as the rumor hit, an Alpha Dog female classmate of mine began loudly and frequently announcing that she would chew off her left arm to be able to understudy Eliza. (Perhaps it's worth mentioning that this is the same classmate who has great casting this year, and who made pretty catty comments to me post-casting implying that we all got what we deserved... and has continued to make comments of questionable tact level since).

So, of course, a couple other female classmates waited until Alpha left the room, and got upset. They, too, would love to understudy the role, and they don't like the way she stakes her claim in things. They think it's some kind of subversive psych-out plan to make them question their abilities. I think they're overreacting, but I was getting a little annoyed at our classmate's sense of entitlement.

At dinner one night, Alpha was going on about how much she wanted the role, and how it was so perfect for her, blah blah blah. She even said that she had e-mailed the head of our program to tell him how badly she wants to be involved in any musical theatre piece that might be slotted for next year's season (the season that won't even get ANNOUNCED until March). And we were sitting with one of the other classmates who had told me that she was interested in the role, and I just watched her quietly sinking into her chair... And I had to say something.

Angela: Well, maybe you're not the only one that wants it.
Alpha: Does someone else want it?
Sinker: (looking intimidated) I don't really want it.
(Note: I was surprised, as Sinker had already said that she wanted it... And had been listening to My Fair Lady like the day before on her iPod)
Angela: What about [other classmate]? She could do it.
Alpha: She could not sing that role. She has a weak voice. Eliza is a JULIE ANDREWS role! It's LERNER AND LOEWE! She has to have a strong voice.
Sinker: Yeah, maybe she couldn't.
(Note: I was shocked at how quickly Sinker has become a yes-man to the Alpha Dog)
Angela: (defiantly) Well, how about me?
Alpha: You couldn't sing that role, could you?
Angela: Oh, couldn't I?
Alpha: Really?
Angela: I have a strong voice. And it's perfect for my range.
Alpha: (suddenly eyeing me like I'm being hunted) I guess you could sing "Wouldn't It Be Loverly?"...
Angela: And "Show Me". And "Just You Wait". I mean, I haven't sung through the entire show or anything... If there's anything I'm not positive about, it would be the last high note in "I Could Have Danced All Night", but I think I could do it.
Alpha: (looking like she wanted to eat my head) Well... I guess we'll wait and see.

Here's the thing: I don't want to understudy Eliza Doolittle. I wouldn't turn it down if it were offered to me, but it's not something that I'm going to dream about or pray for. I want a role in the season far more than I want a big understudy role. And I want to do Shakespeare more than musical theatre.

I guess I just said something because I thought someone needed to. The other girls weren't sticking up for themselves. They were just complaining behind our Alpha's back instead of saying something to her (so she had no idea that anyone else wanted the role or might be upset by her claim on it). So I decided to say what I thought they needed to say.

And afterward, I felt TERRIBLE. There was no need for me to get involved in that fight. And Alpha ALREADY thinks that she and I are rivals, which is not an idea I want to encourage.

I don't know why I did it. Maybe I have a strong sense of justice. But more likely, I think I want people to get along. And somehow, in my head, it seemed like that would help the situation.

And seeing as how Alpha hasn't brought up her fondness for Eliza Doolittle since, maybe it worked.


Story #3
When our Movement Professor went out of town, our class had Tap Workshop. It was four 90-minute classes. So clearly, not enough to make anyone a particularly great tap dancer, but we tried.

I've tapped before (for many years in my childhood), so I did pretty well. I'm not awesome, but I had an advantage over my classmates going into it, so I came out of it feeling more confident than they did.

When our Professor came back, she spent 40 minutes blocking a (easy and lame) tap routine, and said that we would do it as part of our Showing (an open class that people in the community, other students, professors, etc. can attend).

My less confident classmates FREAKED OUT. WHOA. They didn't feel confident in tapping at all. And since it's possible that the Top Banana of the Theatre might show up and judge us based on this hour of dancing that he sees, they really didn't want to do it (which is a valid fear, as Top Banana holds our creative destinies in his hands, and is rarely able to see our work).

They wanted to approach our Movement Professor and tell her that they didn't want to do the tap in the Showing. And I said I would back them. Because I want our class to look strong, confident, and skilled. I don't want our class to be uncomfortable, upset, and terrified. So I said I'd go to the professor and try to talk to her. Seeing as how I was one of the most confident people in the tap, maybe ME saying something would change her mind.

But then I came home. And I realized that I'm actually not nervous about the tap. I'm good at it. It's easy for me. And it might actually be good for me if powerful people see me do things that I'm good at. How had that slipped my mind? How was it possible that I was thinking about what was good for my classmates, and not what was good for me? I doubt that most have them would have done the same for me...

So do I do the selfish thing and support my own creative needs? Or do I support my class?

I decided to do the selfless thing. I went to e-mail my Movement Professor... But I had already gotten an e-mail from her. She wrote to the class saying that the tap dancing would be optional.

So I'm doing it. Only 5 of the 11 of us are. It's going to be me, flanked by four guys. I get to be in the middle, and I get a tap solo at the end (which will, admittedly, be lame, as I'm making it up tonight). Anyway. I'm happy. And so is my class, it seems.


Story #4
Another part of our Movement Showing is going to be Contact Improv. It's improvisational movement with partners, that involves elements of balance, negative space, kinesthetic response, etc. And it's REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY fun.

Lately, I've been getting paired with Killer, with D-Train, and in a trio with two of my female classmates (which my professor began referring to as "The Three Graces").

I love working with Killer, because we're of similar size, and we're both very playful in our work. We end up doing comedic quite consistently (I think we're probably the go-to comedy pair in the class in this work). We often start with a theme in our movement. Like "Flying Juggernauts with Parasails", "Toy Box", or "Growing Up". We've worked enough together that we have a couple of neat moves that we're confident with and try to incorporate into the improvisations.

I also really love working with D-Train. He's a lot taller than I am, and he's gotten quite strong, so he throws me around a lot. But I've gotten stronger as well, so now I can throw him around a bit, too. We often go more into combative improv, although we've had days where we've gone in a more sensual direction. And at least one time, it was just really immature and funny. But however we do it, it's always fun. The last time, we had the theme "Walking the Plank", and it was one of the most fun Contact pieces I've ever done.

And the Graces... Well, it used to be way too slow and pretty for my taste. So one day, we played with the rule that, whenever we ended up frozen, we had to break out of it with attack. And suddenly, it became way more interesting. Having conflict is really vital to keeping the trios alive.

The last time we were doing improv, instead of doing Three Graces, we ended up having all 5 women in the class participating. And we used the theme "The Last Supper". It was CRAZY, and AWESOME. At one point I was Judas. At one point I was Mary Magdalene. At one point I was Jesus. And I'm pretty sure that at the end, I was the table.

Movement Professor asked us to e-mail her our top three preferences for what Contact pieces we wanted to do in the showing. I decided that what I really wanted to do, more than anything else in the showing (more than the tap, ballet, Viewpoints, waltzing, whatever) where my pairings with D-Train and with Killer. I KNEW that she was going to put in my pairing with Killer (because she loves it), so I ranked my pairing with D-Train first, and the one with Killer second. I wrote that I really really really wanted to do those two. And third, I wrote "The Last Supper" group of all 5 women (mostly because she said to write three, not because I had my heart set on it).

Today, she said that she had made up an order of improvs for the Showing, which she had spent over an hour working on, and that she would absolutely not be changing it, so we shouldn't ask.

She put me with Killer (as I knew she would). And she put me with two girls (a group which was NOT the original 3 graces... in fact, the three of us had NEVER worked together before... As a side note, Alpha is one of the New Graces).

I frowned at D-Train from across the circle, and he frowned back. He had been paired with someone that he didn't usually work with. And he was only in two pieces, while most of the guys were in three (and one is in four).

Movement Professor asked if there were any questions. The threesome of girls I'm now in mentioned to her that we'd never worked together before, and she said something vague about, "Well, that's how it had to work out, so that all the girls are in two pieces..." I don't know. It seemed weird to put us in a brand new group the day before the showing, especially since the other two girls in the group are injured, and we haven't worked with each others' bodies enough to work around the injuries yet.

I sat there, saying nothing. Movement Professor looked up and her eyes darted right to me.

Movement Professor: Angela, you look disappointed.
Angela: I'm not.
Movement Professor: I don't understand why you look upset. You can't get everything you requested. There's no time for that.
Angela: I know. I'm not upset.
Movement Professor: And you got your first choice! Oh... no you didn't.
Angela: No, I didn't. But that's okay. It's fine.
(Movement Professor begins intensely messing around on her laptop... speaks about a minute later)
Movement Professor: Okay. [This person] is now going to go with [that person] instead of with [D-Train]. And then Angela and D-Train will go together.
[That Person]: Great!
[This Person]: Okay.

(about 10 minutes pass, and we're in the middle of something else)
Movement Professor: Oh no! But now [this person] is in two back-to-back!
[That Person]: What if we just flipped [this pair] with [that pair]?
Movement Professor: And now Angela's in three!
[Someone else]: What if Angela just weren't in the Graces one?
Movement Professor: (flustered) I had it all figured out last night...
D-Train: You know what? Let's just go back to how it was before.
Angela: It' didn't ask you to change it. It's really okay.
Movement Professor: But you looked really upset. But I was trying to make it even, and I don't want two to have the same energy in a row...
D-Train: [Movement Professor], you've seemed upset ever since we made this change. Let's just not change it.
Movement Professor: But then Angela doesn't get her first choice.
D-Train: Angela's a big girl. She'll be fine.
Angela: I am fine. No problem.


Of course, I was disappointed, but I did NOT try to make a big deal out of it. I NEVER said I was upset. I NEVER asked her to change anything. But she freaked out on me. And then I felt like the entire class was looking at me like I was being greedy/whiny/selfish, when in reality, I hadn't said anything at all.

My pairing with Killer ended up going phenomenally well today. It was one of my favorite outcomes of our times working together.

The New Graces was... well, not great. And they felt it, too. When we got up, we tried to come up with a theme, and our frazzled Movement Professor said, "You're the Three Graces! That IS your theme!" It was too pretty, too slow, and too boring. So Alpha and I sat around trying to come up with another theme (although, surprise surprise, she didn't like most of the things I came up with). Our ideas included "The Three Fates", "Sirens Luring Men to Their Deaths", and "All-Hallows Eve Seance". We haven't talked it over with the third Grace yet. Hopefully, we'll be brilliant tomorrow... but who knows?

I stayed after class to talk with Movement Professor and make sure she knew that I seriously was not upset. She gave me about 8 additional reasons why she had made the schedule the way she had. I told her I was fine. And that I was EXCITED, because I still got to work with Killer, whom I love working with.

I grabbed dinner with D-Train, and we talked. He, too, was disappointed that our pairing was cut. He had forgotten to e-mail his preferences to our Professor, which probably had something to do with it. But in class, he was so frustrated by Movement Professor's frustration that he decided to forfeit it (which was pretty much the same route I had chosen). We vented about the day for awhile.

When I got home, I had an e-mail from Movement Professor, with the schedule for tomorrow. She added back in my pairing with D-Train.

Part of me is, of course, thrilled.

And part of me is worried. What are my classmates going to think? Are they going to think that when I talked to her after class, it was to complain? Will they think I stamped my feet until I got my way? Will they be upset that not only am I doing ballet AND tap AND have a tap solo, but now I'm also the only girl in class who gets to do THREE pieces of contact improv?



So who am I?

It's interesting... It seems that the times I think to blog on this blog now are the times where I really don't know what I'm feeling.

I don't even know why I felt the need to tell these stories. Maybe you can connect the dots for me. What am I trying to prove to you? What do I need you to tell me?


May you know who you are without needing to ask.

~A~


P.S. I'm not sure if the title of this post is supposed to grammatically be "who" or "whom". If I've guessed wrong, please correct me in the comments section.

P.P.S. Am I a blogger you wished blogged more often? Think of me at the 20SB awards.