Back in the days when I claimed to be a psychology major (or maybe it was in a high school psych class... both are now far enough removed from my consciousness that they're barely distinguishable), I remember learning about the nature of morbid thoughts.
- It is common for children to have the vengeful thought, "If I died, they'd be sorry they did this to me." (in which "this" could refer to being punished, not being allowed to eat ice cream instead of dinner, having to go to bed on time, taking another person's side in an argument, etc.)
- It is common for people who feel undervalued to think, "If I died, they'd see just how valuable I really am."
- It is common for people with low self-esteem to think, "If I were dead, it wouldn't even matter."
My morbid thought isn't on that list.
Mine is more like...
"Maybe it'd be better for me to die young. Because when you die young, they talk about how great you were and how you had so much potential. They assume you would've achieved so much. It's better than dying after a life where your so-called "potential" led to nothing. Maybe I'd be less of a disappointment to everyone if I died sooner rather than later."
Don't worry. I'm not suicidal. And this thought doesn't last long when it comes. But I feel like it's something that I can't say out loud to anyone. And it was weighing on me tonight.
So thank you, internet, for once again providing me a therapeutic outlet where I can vent my inner demons. I love you.
May you make the most of your life.
~A~
P.S. Merry Christmas Eve
Thursday, December 24, 2009
My Morbid Mind
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5 comments:
When I talk about you, I talk about how great you are, right now. :)
I have the same root worry, it's just expressed differently (I don't think "I wish I could die young" period). But it is tough to transition from being young and talented, with everybody pumping you up with how much potential you have - "you can do anything you set your mind to!" to the stark reality of adult life. You can't walk every path.
It can have a depressing and paralyzing effect. The best way to overcome it is to set goals for yourself both in your main career but also for your free time. Take that unease and channel it into something productive. You can't be a massive success until you're a small success, and you can't be a small success until you start trying. Doesn't matter what it is.
Basically my message is snap out of it.
By the way, it doesn't do you much good if people are talking about you if you're not around to hear it. So quit thinking like that. :)
And Merry Christmas.
The line about snapping out of it was sort of a joke. It doesn't read like one when I looked at it so this comment is meant to clarify that. TEE HEE. :)
I know exactly what you mean, I have the same thought myself at times.
I have similar thoughts and always have. I remember in high school thinking indifferently about being on honor role but thinking that if I were to die that it would make headlines as "Honor Role Student's early demise"
Probably why my second Nano Novel was about a guy obsessed with death.
And I don't think I'm depressed or that these thoughts are depressing so much as that our society isolates us from death so people see it as something far removed and scary. I'm just a little more casual about it. (Admittedly my religious beliefs in a far better after-life probably contribute to this.) Plus I think a little "if I were to die today" thinking is rather healthy as a motivator for aware living.
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