Stories About Whom I've Become

Well, aside from the more bizarre fashion experiments that I've been making as of late (photo here being one of the less bizarre things I've worn... I wore a tutu to a bar last weekend. You know, like ya do), my life hasn't been all that exciting. But I've had a few things happen to me in the past week or so that are aligning themselves in my head tonight. And I wonder what these things say about me. So I thought maybe you could help me out with that...

Am I weak? Am I a pushover? Am I a people-pleaser? Am I a well-intentioned person who goes awry? Am I a fight-picker? Am I a complainer?

Or am I (wouldn't this be a shock) just a normal girl?



Story #1: The Song
In September, I e-mailed several of my male classmates to see if any one of them would like to sing the duet "A Stud and a Babe" from the musical I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change with me at a Late Night (aka a student produced piece of theatre that is usually one-night-only) in February (there is generally a love-themed variety show style late night near Valentine's Day). D-Train e-mailed me back saying, "Why not? I'll do it with you." Needless to say, I was pleased.

He called me yesterday. Some of the 3rd-Year students are putting on a Late Night in a few weeks filled with duets, and one of them asked D-Train to sing "A Stud and a Babe" with her for that. So D-Train called me up, and asked if I still wanted to do it for the Love Late Night...

Now, being that I'm the sort of person that I am, the conversation went like so:

Angela: It's okay. You can do it with her.
D-Train: Really? Because you asked me to do it first.
Angela: No, it's okay. It was just a thought I had.
D-Train: Angela...
Angela: You can do it with her.
D-Train: Tell me how you really feel. You're just being nice right now, aren't you...
Angela: It's fine. We can find another duet for the Love Late Night.
D-Train: No, Angela. Are you just being nice? Or do you really not care.
Angela: Well, I am being nice, but I'm not heartbroken or anything.
D-Train: You asked first. I won't do it with her if you still want to do it.
Angela: I don't even have the sheet music yet. If she wants to do it...
D-Train: I don't think you mean that.
Angela: ...
D-Train: I will do it with you if you want to do it.
Angela: ... Can I think about it?
D-Train: Can you give me an answer tomorrow?
Angela: Okay.

Clearly, D-Train is a good friend. And probably knows me a little better than I know myself, sometimes.

I came home, and just felt weird about it. I don't want to seem like a mean person. I don't want to seem like I'm claiming it out of spite (like, "YOU can't do that song! That's MY song!"). But clearly, I did want to do it. And it wasn't even really about doing it with D-Train (although honestly, I'm really glad that he wanted to do it, because I'd LOVE to do it with him), as I asked several guys to do it with me. It was (at least initially) about the song.

But this other girl... I guess, I don't want her to be disappointed. She doesn't have great casting this year (and mine isn't terrific either, so I know how lousy that makes you feel), and I want her to be able to do something that she wants to do. And so if she wants to do this song, then I want her to do it.

Also, I don't want her to be mad at me. (Because, as I said in the last post, my ultimate goal in most situations is just for everyone to like me).

And also... I don't want her to do the song with someone other than D-Train... and then feel like D-Train and I shouldn't do it at the Love Late Night anyway, because it was just done. (This last point, admittedly, is probably more my overactive imagination at work than anything else.)

I ended up sending D-Train a text message a couple of minutes ago saying that I do still want to do the song with him, if it's not too late to request that... But if she seems heartbroken, I'll yield.


Story #2: The Understudy
There's a rumor going around that next year, the theatre is going to do a production of My Fair Lady (this would be with the big theatre company, which my class will be part of next year, meaning that there's a chance that we might get cast in it).

We already know that none of us will be cast as the female lead, Eliza Doolittle (long story, but we do know that), but there's a possibility that someone in my class might get to understudy it.

As soon as the rumor hit, an Alpha Dog female classmate of mine began loudly and frequently announcing that she would chew off her left arm to be able to understudy Eliza. (Perhaps it's worth mentioning that this is the same classmate who has great casting this year, and who made pretty catty comments to me post-casting implying that we all got what we deserved... and has continued to make comments of questionable tact level since).

So, of course, a couple other female classmates waited until Alpha left the room, and got upset. They, too, would love to understudy the role, and they don't like the way she stakes her claim in things. They think it's some kind of subversive psych-out plan to make them question their abilities. I think they're overreacting, but I was getting a little annoyed at our classmate's sense of entitlement.

At dinner one night, Alpha was going on about how much she wanted the role, and how it was so perfect for her, blah blah blah. She even said that she had e-mailed the head of our program to tell him how badly she wants to be involved in any musical theatre piece that might be slotted for next year's season (the season that won't even get ANNOUNCED until March). And we were sitting with one of the other classmates who had told me that she was interested in the role, and I just watched her quietly sinking into her chair... And I had to say something.

Angela: Well, maybe you're not the only one that wants it.
Alpha: Does someone else want it?
Sinker: (looking intimidated) I don't really want it.
(Note: I was surprised, as Sinker had already said that she wanted it... And had been listening to My Fair Lady like the day before on her iPod)
Angela: What about [other classmate]? She could do it.
Alpha: She could not sing that role. She has a weak voice. Eliza is a JULIE ANDREWS role! It's LERNER AND LOEWE! She has to have a strong voice.
Sinker: Yeah, maybe she couldn't.
(Note: I was shocked at how quickly Sinker has become a yes-man to the Alpha Dog)
Angela: (defiantly) Well, how about me?
Alpha: You couldn't sing that role, could you?
Angela: Oh, couldn't I?
Alpha: Really?
Angela: I have a strong voice. And it's perfect for my range.
Alpha: (suddenly eyeing me like I'm being hunted) I guess you could sing "Wouldn't It Be Loverly?"...
Angela: And "Show Me". And "Just You Wait". I mean, I haven't sung through the entire show or anything... If there's anything I'm not positive about, it would be the last high note in "I Could Have Danced All Night", but I think I could do it.
Alpha: (looking like she wanted to eat my head) Well... I guess we'll wait and see.

Here's the thing: I don't want to understudy Eliza Doolittle. I wouldn't turn it down if it were offered to me, but it's not something that I'm going to dream about or pray for. I want a role in the season far more than I want a big understudy role. And I want to do Shakespeare more than musical theatre.

I guess I just said something because I thought someone needed to. The other girls weren't sticking up for themselves. They were just complaining behind our Alpha's back instead of saying something to her (so she had no idea that anyone else wanted the role or might be upset by her claim on it). So I decided to say what I thought they needed to say.

And afterward, I felt TERRIBLE. There was no need for me to get involved in that fight. And Alpha ALREADY thinks that she and I are rivals, which is not an idea I want to encourage.

I don't know why I did it. Maybe I have a strong sense of justice. But more likely, I think I want people to get along. And somehow, in my head, it seemed like that would help the situation.

And seeing as how Alpha hasn't brought up her fondness for Eliza Doolittle since, maybe it worked.


Story #3
When our Movement Professor went out of town, our class had Tap Workshop. It was four 90-minute classes. So clearly, not enough to make anyone a particularly great tap dancer, but we tried.

I've tapped before (for many years in my childhood), so I did pretty well. I'm not awesome, but I had an advantage over my classmates going into it, so I came out of it feeling more confident than they did.

When our Professor came back, she spent 40 minutes blocking a (easy and lame) tap routine, and said that we would do it as part of our Showing (an open class that people in the community, other students, professors, etc. can attend).

My less confident classmates FREAKED OUT. WHOA. They didn't feel confident in tapping at all. And since it's possible that the Top Banana of the Theatre might show up and judge us based on this hour of dancing that he sees, they really didn't want to do it (which is a valid fear, as Top Banana holds our creative destinies in his hands, and is rarely able to see our work).

They wanted to approach our Movement Professor and tell her that they didn't want to do the tap in the Showing. And I said I would back them. Because I want our class to look strong, confident, and skilled. I don't want our class to be uncomfortable, upset, and terrified. So I said I'd go to the professor and try to talk to her. Seeing as how I was one of the most confident people in the tap, maybe ME saying something would change her mind.

But then I came home. And I realized that I'm actually not nervous about the tap. I'm good at it. It's easy for me. And it might actually be good for me if powerful people see me do things that I'm good at. How had that slipped my mind? How was it possible that I was thinking about what was good for my classmates, and not what was good for me? I doubt that most have them would have done the same for me...

So do I do the selfish thing and support my own creative needs? Or do I support my class?

I decided to do the selfless thing. I went to e-mail my Movement Professor... But I had already gotten an e-mail from her. She wrote to the class saying that the tap dancing would be optional.

So I'm doing it. Only 5 of the 11 of us are. It's going to be me, flanked by four guys. I get to be in the middle, and I get a tap solo at the end (which will, admittedly, be lame, as I'm making it up tonight). Anyway. I'm happy. And so is my class, it seems.


Story #4
Another part of our Movement Showing is going to be Contact Improv. It's improvisational movement with partners, that involves elements of balance, negative space, kinesthetic response, etc. And it's REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY fun.

Lately, I've been getting paired with Killer, with D-Train, and in a trio with two of my female classmates (which my professor began referring to as "The Three Graces").

I love working with Killer, because we're of similar size, and we're both very playful in our work. We end up doing comedic quite consistently (I think we're probably the go-to comedy pair in the class in this work). We often start with a theme in our movement. Like "Flying Juggernauts with Parasails", "Toy Box", or "Growing Up". We've worked enough together that we have a couple of neat moves that we're confident with and try to incorporate into the improvisations.

I also really love working with D-Train. He's a lot taller than I am, and he's gotten quite strong, so he throws me around a lot. But I've gotten stronger as well, so now I can throw him around a bit, too. We often go more into combative improv, although we've had days where we've gone in a more sensual direction. And at least one time, it was just really immature and funny. But however we do it, it's always fun. The last time, we had the theme "Walking the Plank", and it was one of the most fun Contact pieces I've ever done.

And the Graces... Well, it used to be way too slow and pretty for my taste. So one day, we played with the rule that, whenever we ended up frozen, we had to break out of it with attack. And suddenly, it became way more interesting. Having conflict is really vital to keeping the trios alive.

The last time we were doing improv, instead of doing Three Graces, we ended up having all 5 women in the class participating. And we used the theme "The Last Supper". It was CRAZY, and AWESOME. At one point I was Judas. At one point I was Mary Magdalene. At one point I was Jesus. And I'm pretty sure that at the end, I was the table.

Movement Professor asked us to e-mail her our top three preferences for what Contact pieces we wanted to do in the showing. I decided that what I really wanted to do, more than anything else in the showing (more than the tap, ballet, Viewpoints, waltzing, whatever) where my pairings with D-Train and with Killer. I KNEW that she was going to put in my pairing with Killer (because she loves it), so I ranked my pairing with D-Train first, and the one with Killer second. I wrote that I really really really wanted to do those two. And third, I wrote "The Last Supper" group of all 5 women (mostly because she said to write three, not because I had my heart set on it).

Today, she said that she had made up an order of improvs for the Showing, which she had spent over an hour working on, and that she would absolutely not be changing it, so we shouldn't ask.

She put me with Killer (as I knew she would). And she put me with two girls (a group which was NOT the original 3 graces... in fact, the three of us had NEVER worked together before... As a side note, Alpha is one of the New Graces).

I frowned at D-Train from across the circle, and he frowned back. He had been paired with someone that he didn't usually work with. And he was only in two pieces, while most of the guys were in three (and one is in four).

Movement Professor asked if there were any questions. The threesome of girls I'm now in mentioned to her that we'd never worked together before, and she said something vague about, "Well, that's how it had to work out, so that all the girls are in two pieces..." I don't know. It seemed weird to put us in a brand new group the day before the showing, especially since the other two girls in the group are injured, and we haven't worked with each others' bodies enough to work around the injuries yet.

I sat there, saying nothing. Movement Professor looked up and her eyes darted right to me.

Movement Professor: Angela, you look disappointed.
Angela: I'm not.
Movement Professor: I don't understand why you look upset. You can't get everything you requested. There's no time for that.
Angela: I know. I'm not upset.
Movement Professor: And you got your first choice! Oh... no you didn't.
Angela: No, I didn't. But that's okay. It's fine.
(Movement Professor begins intensely messing around on her laptop... speaks about a minute later)
Movement Professor: Okay. [This person] is now going to go with [that person] instead of with [D-Train]. And then Angela and D-Train will go together.
[That Person]: Great!
[This Person]: Okay.

(about 10 minutes pass, and we're in the middle of something else)
Movement Professor: Oh no! But now [this person] is in two back-to-back!
[That Person]: What if we just flipped [this pair] with [that pair]?
Movement Professor: And now Angela's in three!
[Someone else]: What if Angela just weren't in the Graces one?
Movement Professor: (flustered) I had it all figured out last night...
D-Train: You know what? Let's just go back to how it was before.
Angela: It' didn't ask you to change it. It's really okay.
Movement Professor: But you looked really upset. But I was trying to make it even, and I don't want two to have the same energy in a row...
D-Train: [Movement Professor], you've seemed upset ever since we made this change. Let's just not change it.
Movement Professor: But then Angela doesn't get her first choice.
D-Train: Angela's a big girl. She'll be fine.
Angela: I am fine. No problem.


Of course, I was disappointed, but I did NOT try to make a big deal out of it. I NEVER said I was upset. I NEVER asked her to change anything. But she freaked out on me. And then I felt like the entire class was looking at me like I was being greedy/whiny/selfish, when in reality, I hadn't said anything at all.

My pairing with Killer ended up going phenomenally well today. It was one of my favorite outcomes of our times working together.

The New Graces was... well, not great. And they felt it, too. When we got up, we tried to come up with a theme, and our frazzled Movement Professor said, "You're the Three Graces! That IS your theme!" It was too pretty, too slow, and too boring. So Alpha and I sat around trying to come up with another theme (although, surprise surprise, she didn't like most of the things I came up with). Our ideas included "The Three Fates", "Sirens Luring Men to Their Deaths", and "All-Hallows Eve Seance". We haven't talked it over with the third Grace yet. Hopefully, we'll be brilliant tomorrow... but who knows?

I stayed after class to talk with Movement Professor and make sure she knew that I seriously was not upset. She gave me about 8 additional reasons why she had made the schedule the way she had. I told her I was fine. And that I was EXCITED, because I still got to work with Killer, whom I love working with.

I grabbed dinner with D-Train, and we talked. He, too, was disappointed that our pairing was cut. He had forgotten to e-mail his preferences to our Professor, which probably had something to do with it. But in class, he was so frustrated by Movement Professor's frustration that he decided to forfeit it (which was pretty much the same route I had chosen). We vented about the day for awhile.

When I got home, I had an e-mail from Movement Professor, with the schedule for tomorrow. She added back in my pairing with D-Train.

Part of me is, of course, thrilled.

And part of me is worried. What are my classmates going to think? Are they going to think that when I talked to her after class, it was to complain? Will they think I stamped my feet until I got my way? Will they be upset that not only am I doing ballet AND tap AND have a tap solo, but now I'm also the only girl in class who gets to do THREE pieces of contact improv?



So who am I?

It's interesting... It seems that the times I think to blog on this blog now are the times where I really don't know what I'm feeling.

I don't even know why I felt the need to tell these stories. Maybe you can connect the dots for me. What am I trying to prove to you? What do I need you to tell me?


May you know who you are without needing to ask.

~A~


P.S. I'm not sure if the title of this post is supposed to grammatically be "who" or "whom". If I've guessed wrong, please correct me in the comments section.

P.P.S. Am I a blogger you wished blogged more often? Think of me at the 20SB awards.