Stranger in My Own Town

I have been having one of the most fun weekends in recent memory. And I've loved every minute of it. (Well, except for the minute where I cried in front of my boss... but we'll get to that.)

On Thursday, I officially watched Sister Terry for the first time in a performance as opposed to a rehearsal. And, I have to say, it was beyond bizarre. First off, when you're watching a character, you don't go out during the pre-show, and I was rather sad about it. It's so fun being able to interact with the audience in character. I didn't realize I'd become that attached to the opportunity, but I have.

Then I got to sit in on the ceremony, which is a part of the show that I haven't seen since I attended a performance before being hired. It was neat to see that again. I'd forgotten a lot of what happens during it.

The strangest part was the reception. I've become accustomed to performing certain tasks during every performance. I usually take certain things upon myself, like standing guard to prevent audience members from getting in the way of a chase sequence, or pre-setting certain props. But when you're in training for a character, you sit at a table at the back of the room and observe. You're not supposed to lift a finger. And the first time you watch, you're not even supposed to take notes. You just have to keep your eyes glued to the character you're watching (even at the times when they're just ad-libbing). I kept wanting to assist my fellow Black Staffers, but had to supress the urges. What a strange thing that is, the desire to work when you don't have to.

Friday night, I had arranged for two of my favorite people to come see the show: my college buddy Renee and my dotcomrade-turned-friend Jenn.

Before the show, there was a complication with reserving their tickets. This led to me having an irrational emotional breakdown in front of the stage manager, the director, and the director's mother who runs things. So basically, my three bosses (or the three people who have the ability to fire me). Yeah. Not the most professional thing. It was horribly embarrassing. Especially when the director's mother loudly asked if I was on my period (for the record, NO... I was just a little sleep-deprived).

I played my Hot Cocoa character (although I grabbed the wrong name tag, so they thought I was just a really ghetto Carmella or something). And my buddy Dan (perhaps my favorite person in the cast to play off of) was playing Vito. Usually, Vito and Hot Cocoa have a pretty volatile relationship, as we've decided that they're exes. But on Friday, they were both pretty into each other. I can't tell you how many times I got felt up on Friday night. Or how many times I turned my head and noticed that Vito was standing behind me checking out my rear. Or how many times I was being grabbed without warning. And at one point, we were talking with our faces so close to each other that I actually got lip gloss on him (on his mouth, I think... awkward. Does that count as a kiss? SUPER awkward.)

As soon as the show ended, Renee, Jenn, and I went off to the sensabulously amazical (yes, I just made up words -- want to fight about it?) huge Chicago Blogger Meet-up that we've been anticipating for what seems like years. To be honest, I'm sure I can't even remember everyone I met... Here's who I remember being there:

- Angela (um, that'd be me)
- Angie (angilio)
- Dan (Dan Mega)
- "Deutlich" (Speak On It)
- Jamie (Oh! How Lovely!)
- Jenn (You are flawed if you are not free.)
- Jessi (The Everyday Adventures of Me in the City)
- "Joy" (Big Time Fancy)
- "Kayleigh" (No Guts, No Glory)
- Maxie (i hate so much...)
- Pete (the situation has deteriorated)
- "Princess Pointful" (...and hijinks ensued)
- Rachel (I'm a mom in real life)
- Renee (A Beautiful Day in the Reneeborhood)
- Veronica (unemployed Cornellian)

Forgive me if I've forgotten anyone (and remind me!). But did you SEE that list? When was the last time you saw a roster of a blogger meet-up that had that many people on it? I'd have to go with... never. Which proves, once and for all, that the Chicago blogger community (at least within the sub-group of Twenty Something Bloggers) is the most social.

Actually, I shouldn't use this as an example. After all, it was only because we were hosting out-of-towners that the evening was so successful (Renee, Deutlich, Maxie, and Princess Pointful all had to roadtrip in).

We met at a bar, and talked up a storm. Pete and Joy discussed "Call of Duty". Dan Mega and Jenn explained their tattoos to each other. Renee, Maxie, and Deutlich discussed recent happenings on the 20sb forum. Everything flowed smoothly and without any detectable awkward moments. It felt like we all knew each other already (because, well, we did).

Afterward, nine of us continued on to Clarke's to grab some grub and be generally ridiculous. I got a baked apple pancake thing. It was massive, and served with 5 packets of butter, but no syrup. I ate about a fifth of it before giving up entirely and just singing along with Maxie to whatever songs were playing while we dined. It was delightful.

Dan Mega, talking with his hands at Clarke's

The next morning, I met up with Deutlich, Maxie, Jenn, Jessi, and Jamie to go on the Chicago Cupcake crawl that has been in the works for months. We started out at a desert shop called Sweet Mandy B's, which was cute as a button, but busy as all get-out.

Me, Jenn, Jessi, Maxie, Jamie, and Deutlich's arm. (Deutlich has been cut out to preserve her anonymity... she's like a superhero, and only a select few can know her true identity.)

From there, we headed on to Swirlz Cupcakes, which I think we'd all agree was the winner of the outing. The people there were delightful, and the cupcakes were delicious. Deutlich and I were both having difficulty deciding between the "Banana Nutella" and the "Chocolate Peanut Butter", so we decided to get one of each and split them. And they were both just sensational. When the woman running the shop found out we were a group of bloggers, she gave us some extra cupcakes for free so that we could share our knowledge with our readers. She gave us a gluten-free red velvet cupcake that tasted no different from the regular red velvets we already had on our table (so note: if you know anyone with a gluten allergy, this is the place to take them!). We savored our cupcakes and giggled like little girls. I loved it.

Cupcakes from Swirlz

Jamie enjoying a cupcake.

Jessi & Jenn

Jenn, Me, Deutlich, Maxie, and Jamie

After that, we headed to The Taste of Chicago, which happens to be going on this week. It was a madhouse. The streets are filled with booths of food from various restaurants, and you trade tickets for various confections. I had a nutella crepe. Maxie had tempura. Jessi, Jenn, and Jamie had hotdogs. I don't remember what Deutlich ended up with... I just remember her distress at being unable to get a turkey leg because the wait was too long.



Walking through The Taste

Maxie, Jenn, and Jessi in front of Buckingham Fountain.

The best part of having tourists in town? It provides a marvelous excuse to do all the touristy things that I've never done in the two years of living in this city. And so, for the first time, I went to Millennium Park.

Deutlich in front of The Bean

There were lighted faces on brick walls that spat water at us. There was a giant Bean that reflected us like a fun house mirror. There was a garden. There was a trench of cold water to kick our feet in. It was magical.

Jenn & Maxie standing in the water between the spitting brick wall face things.

Jenn dipping her foot into the icy cold water of the foot bath trench

Jessi, Jenn, Maxie, and Jamie at the foot trench.

I left my darling ladies in order to get a special rehearsal for TnT to learn choreography in case become a bridesmaid before Frankie Avalon week (odds of that actually happening: slim to none... or just none). It was some of the cheesiest choreography you've ever seen in your life, and I LOVE it. Hilarious. And because I had gotten there so early, I also got fitted for a Sister Terry costume. I can't begin to tell you how stoked/amped/geeked/pumped I am about that.

I then watched through the show, taking notes. It's unbelievable how many things happen during the course of the production. Depending on where you're sitting in the room, you'll get a different sense of the story. I've done something like eight or nine weekends now, and while I was watching on Saturday I saw things for the first time. Like one character going through the purse of another when she wasn't paying attention. Or a male character kissing a female character, causing her to run out of the reception hall in hysterics. Or a male character lifting up his shirt and displaying his nipples proudly to a table of women in the audience (I'm fairly certain that doesn't happen every show). It's so much fun to be a part of a production like this, in which you're constantly being surprised by the other actors. It forces you to pay attention to everything, and to always react in character.

After the show, I met up with the bloggers again. But at that point, Jamie had been replaced by Dan Mega and a guy named Stan at a Giordano's. We sat around talking about anything and everything, as bloggers are prone to do. After we left, Jenn and I purchased hoodies at a Walgreens because of the unexpected chill in the night air. I got a lovely piggy-back ride, courtesy of Dan Mega, which made me and my tired feet extremely happy. And we ended up chilling at a bar in Lincoln Park for awhile longer.

It felt like no one really wanted our time together to end. Even after we'd all decided to go home and had begun to go on our separate ways, I ended up on the corner of Belmont and Clark talking to Dan Mega and Jessi for an additional 40 minutes in the rain. That's how much we enjoyed each other's company; we kept extending our goodbyes.

A glorious transvestite and her posse, as observed by Dan Mega, Jessi, and I on the corner of Belmont & Clark.

I should've gone to the Gay Pride Parade today to support the Tony 'n Tina's cast members who were walking in it, but I didn't. I stayed inside, doing very little of anything, and reflecting on how much fun I've had in the last few days.

I love summer. I love bloggers. I love Chicago. And I'm so very, very happy right now.

My heart feels full, not broken.

And for that, I'm grateful.

So thank you, to all the glorious bloggers who made me smile this weekend.


May you be a tourist in your own town.

~A~


P.S. You know my coworker who thought I looked like Lindsay Lohan? She has now changed her mind and thinks I look like Stella McCartney. Um, what? No, I don't.

P.P.S. I will be adding links to everyone else's versions of the Blogger events as I stumble across them:

- Jenn's version: Only the Best Weekend Ever
- Dan Mega's blurbs: Well and Sometimes
- Jessi's version: Olympic glory & a blog-errific weekend
- Angie's mention: how i love my lists
- Joy's version: Chicago Bloggers, Wedding & Beer Pong
- Rachel's version: How to be late meeting a Chicago blogger
- Pete's mention: high ate us
- Deutlich's version: Boystown and Booty Grease
- Maxie's version: Chicago!
- Princess Pointful's version: When bloggers collide- Parts 3, 4 and 5

Chameleon

As I prepared you for in my last post, I've again started dealing with a facet of myself that I don't particularly care for.

I'm a chameleon.

I adapt easily. I am fully willing to change.

Doesn't immediately sound like a bad thing, does it?

But it is.

It comes out in relationships. I have a tendency to mold myself into whatever it is I think the other person wants. And, as a result, I sometimes lose sight of who I am and what it is that I want.

I do whatever the other person wants to do. I watch movies that I have no interest in watching. I listen to music that I would never listen to otherwise. Hell, I watched Monday Night RAW (yeah, that's right... professional wrestling) sitting on a couch next to my then-boyfriend for about a year.

And I liked it.

Or I thought I did. At the time.

I even had a favorite character (Edge). And favorite moves. And I knew all the back-stories of all the wrestlers (both the performers AND their characters).

But I don't know if I ever actually liked it. I don't think that I ever really enjoyed listening to U2, watching Mr. Show, or suffering through The Fast and the Furious with my exes. What I was actually deriving pleasure from was making them happy. Seeing how excited they were that they had finally found someone with whom they could share this thing that they loved? That was the real magic.

Maybe it has something to do with me being an actor. Maybe I crave the opportunity to play these roles. Maybe I just have low self-esteem. Or maybe I think that it's impossible to find someone who I'll actually have things in common with, so I find ways to synthesize that.

When I recently discussed this with a coworker, he said that all relationships are like that. That there's a level of give and take. A balance. And that you each spend time giving the things that the other person likes a chance.

Unfortunately, my male counterparts are usually not as eager to contort to my favorite things as I am to them.

Brian was different, to some extent. We had aligned tastes in music from the get-go. We were excited to learn new music from each other. To look at it honestly, I think I was probably more excited to hear his music than he was to hear mine. And I shared mine with him more frequently than he sent any back... But still, it was a start.

And here I am, watching his collection of Battlestar Galactica, trudging through episodes I don't like, while he holds my copies of Arrested Development and The Office somewhere in the desert. We share these things even now, after all that's happened... We're learning to like things that the other person liked first.

It's more out of friendship now, I guess. I hope. I think I'm watching this show at a friend's recommendation. It's not because I'm semi-consciously trying to be the perfect girl for him.

Yet, I can't help but wonder... Am I watching because I like it, or because on some level I think it'll make Brian happy if I like it?

The honest answer is that I don't know.

And that scares me.

Here's another weird thing... Brian got me interested in the music of Kara DioGuardi and her band, Platinum Weird. And I know, I KNOW, that I genuinely like that music. But I haven't been able to listen to it since I left Nebraska. I skip over it as soon as it comes on my iTunes.

So how come this thing that I actually enjoy is something that I'm now removing from my life, and this other thing that I only like sometimes doesn't bother me at all? What's the difference?

Maybe it's because I listened to Kara's music WHILE I was with Brian, whereas BSG only really entered my life when I was in Nebraska. Maybe, somehow, BSG doesn't remind me of him as much?

The girl sighs.

Why can't I tell the difference between things I like and the things I try to like because other people do? Is it just because I'm good at convincing myself of things?

I don't always know who I am or what I want. I've always been willing to sit through things I didn't like if my friends did. Heck, the thing that got me on stage back in 6th grade was my best friend auditioning for the musical. I thought I should do it, too. The whole reason I'm on the career path that I'm on was because I was pretending to like something that someone else liked, and it just sort of stuck.

In the movie Runaway Bride (I've never seen it in its entirety and I'm splicing together fragments here, so please forgive inaccuracies), the main character is like me, but in an extreme form. She molds herself so closely to the desires of whatever man she's with that she never really knows who she is or what she wants. She doesn't even know how she likes her eggs, because she's so used to eating them however the current male in her life does.

That's how I feel sometimes. I question whether I like eggs at all. (Metaphorically speaking, that is.)

There's another problem I can spot from this behavioral pattern. One that might be worse...

I have this semi-conscious desire to be the "cool girlfriend". So I put up with a lot. I convince myself that I'm not bothered by things that should, by all means, bother me. Like the time that my long-distance boyfriend didn't return my calls for three weeks straight, and I said, "That's okay. I know you've been really busy lately." Or the times that I've let a relationship go undefined for too long because I didn't want to pressure the guy into submitting to a label, and then felt used when it turned out we hadn't been in the same place mentally. Or how I kept dating a guy after he didn't return my phone calls on our 2nd anniversary.

Why? Because I was trying to be the kind of girlfriend I thought I should be. The kind I wish I were. Completely laid back, low-maintenance, and cool. I pretend to be that girl a lot. I feel like I SHOULD be that girl. I want to be her. And so I act like I'm more okay with things than I am. I try to convince myself that things are fine, when clearly I don't actually feel that way. I ignore my instincts a great deal because I feel like I'm being the whiny shrew in the relationship if I don't, and that's not what I want to be.

I don't know why I do it. Maybe it's because I have low self-esteem. On some level, maybe I feel like no one will ever love me as I am. So I try to be something that they will love. I try to do all the things I think they'll want me to do.

Also, I never fall first. I only go after guys that I already know are interested in me. Low-hanging fruit, I suppose (please forgive the corporate buzzword). I guess I'm so shocked by the idea that anyone could want me that I WANT to want them back. And we already know that I'm good at talking myself into things. Add this to the list.

How horrible is that? Maybe every feeling I've ever had has been one I convinced myself to have.

I can't keep doing this stuff. I can't. I deserve better than to settle for someone just because they want me. I shouldn't have to put my needs on hold in order to be the cool, low-maintenance girlfriend. I shouldn't have to be the only one trying to adapt. And I definitely shouldn't pretend to be someone I'm not.

But I'm not sure that I know how to stop.



May you be happy being you.

~A~


P.S. I'm watching Sister Terry twice this weekend in TnT. Woo-hoo!

P.P.S. Renee and Jenn are coming to see TnT tomorrow night, and I'm super excited!

P.P.P.S. I'm also going out with a bar to meet up with a thousand bloggers tomorrow night, and then on a cupcake crawl on Saturday. Best weekend ever? Quite possibly. :)

Everything's Swell

You know what sucks? Being sick. I am so not a fan.

I started feeling it Wednesday after the TnT matinee, on my way the Swell Season concert with my friend Amanda. We had stopped at a Thai restaurant for dinner and I was filling her in on my entire situation with Brian (the three of us went to high school together and she knows what a good guy he is... it's nice to be able to discuss the situation with someone who doesn't assume that he's the bad guy).

The Swell Season (a.k.a. Glen Hansard and Markéta Irglová, a.k.a. the people from Once who won the Oscar for their song "Falling Slowly" in February) was tremendously good live. Glen did some splendid, insane storytelling between songs. A couple of times it felt like it spent more time setting up the meaning of the songs than it took to actually play them.

One of the songs he said was about the manner in which we face obstacles. He said sometimes you come up to a wall, knowing that what you want is on the other side. And at some point, after realizing you can't climb over it, you have to turn your back on the wall and just start walking in the opposite direction. You walk, and you walk, and you walk... until eventually you walk all the way around the world, and you find yourself on the other side of the wall.

I'm not entirely sure what he was talking about, but it was a neat metaphor.

At another point they were singing a song about the moon, and he started talking about staring at the moon, and how he thought there was some truth to the origin of the word "lunacy" (luna = moon...), and that if you stare into a mirror you start to forget who you are... I don't know. He rambled into madness. It reminded me of watching Hamlet. :)

One of his stories involved falling in love with a Goth chick in high school, and buying her a grave in a cemetery for Christmas one year. And he stood down in a hole in the ground, wanting to ask her to marry him, but deciding he should ask something bigger and more important than that... So he asked her if she would be buried next to him.

My favorite bit of his rambling had to do with the tarot card "The Fool". I don't know anything about tarot (I'm Catholic, so I'm fairly certain it's against my religion), but he said The Fool was the most respected card, and that we should all aspire to The Fool. After all, The Fool serves his most immediate needs as they arise. Glen said the coolest people he's ever met were either children or old people. The rest of us spend our lives strategizing, planning, manipulating, analyzing... Whereas the very young and the very old will just think something like... "I'm hungry". They serve their immediate needs, and they don't worry about the mess outside of them.

During "Falling Slowly", their most famous song, Glen mildly screwed up the lyrics at one point. He blamed it on the fact that there was a special person in the audience: Barack Obama. Everyone started craning their necks in the massive Chicago Theater trying to get a glimpse of him. I assume the Senator was watching from backstage, and we were all wasting our time. Still, it was neat to be in the same place as a presidential nominee. The fact that Obama and I listen to the same music sorta makes me like him more. (Not that I would vote based on musical opinion...)

After the concert I had planned to go see my DJ coworker headline at a club, but I felt too miserable. I ended up using one of the precious few vacation days I have left and staying home sick on Thursday. I had a horrible sore throat and a bad fever. I was so tired that I couldn't even sit on my bum and watch Battlestar Galactica. I couldn't even swallow (that's what she said).

My fever broke around 4pm. And despite the fact that I still felt truly awful, I went to the Air One Blogger Meet-up that I'd been looking forward to for so long. I got to hang out with my favorite J-ladies: Jenn, Jessica, and Joy. We sat around eating free food that the airline had provided for us and talking about everything and nothing. It was exactly what I needed.

Jessica & Joy

Jenn & Me (don't I just look like the picture of health?)

Delicious food at Gioco.

My favorite J-ladies.

I'd tell you more about the meet-up, but I'm sick, tired, and generally lazy. So go read Jenn's version, Jessica's version (which includes her own Swell Season experience), or Joy's version.

I spent most of Friday and Saturday running on fumes and speaking in the "sexy Kathleen Turner voice" that often accompanies ailments to my throat. Made my character in Tony 'n Tina's a little different, that's for sure. But I still gave it my all.

Friday night I went out with the cast to a bar, and spent a little time talking to the Guy-Who-Asked-Me-Out (hmmm... want to refrain from using his real name... GWAMO will do as code for now, okay?). I decided to tell him the guarded secret that I'm leaving Chicago for greener pastures come August. I've now gone through full disclosure with this guy. He knows I'm leaving. He knows about Brian. He knows that I'm an emotional f***wit right now. Therefore, any and all attempts to win me over past this point I declare to be at his own risk. If he's been listening, he should know what he's getting himself into.

Saturday night I went to a dance-y bar called "The Hangge Uppe" with my dear friend Dave (who got me good and drunk right a few weeks ago, as noted in Getting Through It). It was the first time I've been out dancing since the last time that Dave took me there. That was a year ago June. The week after I broke up with Ex #1. I got very, very drunk, and cried when some drunk guy stepped on my foot (although the tears had more to do with my inner turmoil than the immediate physical pain).

GWAMO joined us, as did my friend John (a good friend I haven't seen since December, as mentioned in Dialogues & Somniloquies), and three of Dave's friends (one of whom was a girl who seemed rather interested in Dave). We danced. Well, no... I danced. And I forced the rest of them to dance with me. And I had fun. I think they did, too.

I stuck with cherry cola all night, remembering the last time I had been at The Hangge Uppe. By the end of the evening, the girl who was into Dave was very, very drunk. She stepped on my foot. Hard. In heels. While I was in sandals. It reminded me of the event that made me cry a year ago when I was going through a different sort of heartbreak with a different sort of guy. But I didn't cry this time. Maybe I've gotten it all out of my system. Maybe I'm a stronger person now than I was a year ago. Maybe I just have better control of my emotions when I'm sober. Or maybe I really have made progress on this journey of healing. All I know for sure is that I have a nasty bruise covering the tops of two of my toes, and I didn't cry.

I felt nastily ill on Sunday, so I stayed cloistered in my apartment and watched more episodes of Battlestar Galactica than a person should watch in one day.

I loved the second season, but didn't love the season finale. And hated the first few episodes of season three. I didn't really want to continue watching, but I did anyway. I felt like I was supposed to. And, lo and behold, the middle of season three improved massively. I love it again.

As I battled through the less interesting episodes, I remembered a realization I've had about myself in the past. A not too pleasant one, actually...

But I'm going to save that explanation for next time. I'm too sick to properly psycho-analyze myself.



May you take the time to recover from whatever ails your mind, heart, body, and soul.

Much love and many blessings to you.

~A~

Words Will Be Enough

I had to stop blogging for a bit. To collect my thoughts. To prevent myself from writing things I'd regret. To live life instead of thinking about life.

I was wrong a few posts ago when I said I was done crying. I wasn't. I've cried a few times since then. I'd like to say I'm done now -- I feel like I am -- but I won't make that promise. I'll feel completely fine for long periods of time, and then suddenly feel wrong again. I woke up Saturday feeling fine, and I've been okay since then. Hopefully it'll stick this time.

I could tell you what's happened with Brian in excruciating detail, but I won't. It's not going to help me heal. And it's not helping him any, either. I know he'll understand if I continue to write about him. He'll support my right to use this blog to vent. And I won't stop altogether, because that's not my style. But this blog isn't about him. It's about me.

I will tell you one thing about him... He's gone.

I don't mean from my life; I mean from the country. He's in the armed forces, and he is now on another continent. For a while.

It's probably the best possible thing that could happen for me right now. I can't call him and ask him the same questions ad nauseum (the sorts of "but why?" questions that he's been so kind as to put up with thus far). I can't text him. He was never in reach, but I feel like he's finally been put at a distance. And it's exactly the sort of aid I've needed to get over him. The kind I haven't had before. I'm glad for it. Almost relieved, in fact, that some of the decisions I would've made are being prevented. It'll help us to be friends in the long run.

I'm going to write him letters while he's gone, but I'm not expecting responses. He's going to become my "Mr. Henshaw". I'll write the things I need to write without worrying who's reading them the way I do with this blog. I know I can tell him anything, because I already have. And not having regular responses will be good for me. Not having written things to look back on and agonize over, but rather ones sent off into the void... also good. I hope he doesn't get annoyed by the whole thing. But I'm not too worried about that. I think he'll be happy for any contact he has to the USA while he's gone.

Other than the little I've scribbled to him so far, I haven't written anything lately. I haven't worked on my novel because my emotions were clouding those of my characters. I just kept wanting to kill off characters. Or create situations in which the main character was feeling what I'm feeling. I'm taking space from it so that I won't ruin it. I care too much about what I've written so far to muck it up by using it as therapy.

I'm actually supposed to go to a write-in tonight, where I was planning on picking it up again. But it's been so long since I've just been home for a night... so I'm skipping it. And I'm blogging instead.

I forgot that I missed this. Writing, I mean. It's only been, what, 9 days since I wrote a real post (I'm not counting that filler thing about what celebrities I get compared to... wasn't really my style)? I'm sure many of you didn't even notice the absence (which is fine... I read so many blogs that I often don't notice when people stop posting for weeks at a time). But I noticed it. I've considered forcing myself to blog, but I'm terribly against that. I've said it before, and I'll say it again; I don't blog for you guys, I blog for me. And if I have nothing to say, then I'm not going to say anything at all.

And when I have a lot to say? Well, then you get the mini-novellas that I'm sure you've come to expect from me.

Actually, it feels like longer since I've posted, as I was making a conscious effort not to mention Brian. Censoring myself makes it feel like I'm not really writing at all. It feels too... calculated or something. I don't know.

I have been busy, though. I mean, I've made time to blog in the past when I was busy, but I've had enough distractions that I was able to convince myself that I didn't have time for it. I've been going out and visiting people. I go out to the bar with the TnT cast after every performance.

When I'm not out of my apartment, I'm watching Battlestar Galactica and writing notes for Brian about my reactions to the episode. It's like live-blogging, but with paper and pen. Whenever something pops into my head that I would've texted Brian (or said to him if he'd been in the room), I pause the DVD and write it down. It takes longer to watch an episode than it normally would, but it's kinda fun for me. Makes it feel like an active thing as opposed to just sitting around watching DVDs all day. (By the way, it's an INCREDIBLE show, and I highly recommend it. Also recommend Firefly, which is the other series Brian lent me before running off to fight the bad guys.)

I've started reading It's Called a Break-up Because It's Broken, and I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT if you've gone through any sort of break-up and/or heartbreak, even if you were the one who did the dumping. I wish I'd had it during my break-up with Ex #1. It's really, really helpful. Of course, the authors of the book would tell me to stop writing to Brian, but I think I've recovered enough that it's possible to do it now. The hurting I was going through before has lessened significantly. And letter-writing doesn't make me cry the way phone calls would have. It feels like it's helping me heal. I'm gaining closure, and I'm redefining our relationship as one of friendship. In some weird way, it's helping me let go. Counter-intuitive, I know... but I believe that you should "do what works", so I'm going to keep doing it as long as it's working. If it's not working, then I'll become a better student of the book and stop writing him altogether.

(Huh. Wasn't planning to talk about Brian at all, and here I've done mostly that. Ah well. This is where my extemporaneous style brings me, I suppose. Writing about things I didn't intend to write about.)

Anyway.

I'm frustrated that I still have not been assigned a character to train for in Tony n' Tina's. Remember when the director had me watch the nun at a rehearsal? Yeah, that didn't stick. He gave me a new character to watch at last week's rehearsal, bringing my total up to three. I don't think he has any clue what he wants me for. Maybe that's a compliment. I'm versatile, and he knows he can put me in a bunch of places? I don't know. I'm just worried that he's going to keep changing his mind and I'll be on waitstaff until the day I leave.

Speaking of leaving, it's coming up soon. I'm leaving my day job on August 1st. I'll probably stay in TnT for a week after that. But my lease here ends August 15th, and my grad school orientation starts on August 18th. When I originally got this offer from grad school back in February, it seemed so very, very far away. And now it's almost here, and I have so many things to try to squeeze in before I leave.

Part of me feels like a lot has happened since February. But really, I can sum it up in two subjects: Brian, and TnT. That's it. That's all that's changed. I mean, of course I'm over-simplifying (as the last few months worth of blog posts can attest to), but that's the meat of it...

Anyway.

I've made good friends at work recently. Three guys at my day-job eat lunch with me every day now. It's nice to be just one of the guys without having to worry about any of them being The Woodwork Guys. Two are engaged, and the third has a serious girlfriend whom he intends to marry. So for once, I'm the one who carries the label As Good As Gay (or, I suppose, As Good As Male). And I'm just fine with that.

We talk about things that could get us fired if mentioned at the office under the clauses of the sexual harassment policy in place, but that doesn't bother us. For someone of my level of naïveté, I'm not very shy about subjects I'm willing to broach in public settings. Maybe it's because I don't know better... In any case, it makes me fit right in when surrounded by guys with filthy minds and raunchy mouths. That, and the fact that I will jump right in when gauging the physical attractiveness with females in close proximity (the guys call this rating procedure "verifications"). And sometimes before heading back to work, we take a detour through a department store cologne section so that the boys can "musk up". And we have a large collection of private jokes that we discuss in code on our work email accounts. It makes the day go by a bit faster.

I watched the Tony Awards at a bar on Sunday night. I talked the bartender into changing the channel on one of the many televisions dedicated to sports for me. I cheered obnoxiously whenever people I liked were shown. ("You go, Deanna Dunagan! Bring it home to Chicago, baby!") I actually know someone who won a Tony this year, which is exciting. Todd Rosenthal won for set design for the play August: Osage County. He designed the set for a production of The Comedy of Errors that I was in a couple of years back, which is how I know him (not well, but still, I know him in real life). I'd call to congratulate him, but I lost his number when I lost my phone... Oh well.

This was the first time in the past 5 years that I have not donned some sort of fancy dress to watch the Tonys. If I owned a television, I would have. I intend to again in future years. It makes the whole thing more fun if you dress up.

Last night I hung out with some of my novelist friends in the 'burbs playing the video game Rock Band and generally acting like idiots. It was a good time. Of course, I didn't get back to my apartment until nearly 2:30am, and then had a couple of emails that I urgently had to answer... I was pretty useless at work today as a result.

Tomorrow will be intense. I'm going to my day-job from 8:30-11:00am. I have to be at TnT at 11:30am to get ready for a matinee. Then at night, my friend Amanda and I are going to see The Swell Season (Glen Hansard & Markéta Irglová, a.k.a. the people from Once who won an Oscar for "Falling Slowly" this year). And after that, I promised I'd go see my coworker (one of the engaged ones) work his night gig: he's headlining as a DJ at some bar.

Thursday I'm going to the "Air One - Blogger Meet Up Chicago" (note: if you are a Chicago blogger and haven't heard about this, let me know and I'll get you the info... there will be hors d'oeuvre's, cocktails and an Italian lesson at the event... and potentially some SWAG), which I've been looking forward to for awhile.

Friday and Saturday I have TnT performances. Sunday will be my first real free day since... Well, I think since I was in Omaha. That'll be nice. It'll give me more time to watch Battlestar Galactica.

Wow. It felt really good to just type all of that. I have a feeling it was painfully boring, but I don't care. I needed to organize my thoughts. I need this.

I love being a blogger.

*sigh*

I feel better.

Alright, I'm going to go watch a little BSG, clean my apartment (yeah, right), and go to bed early (probably a lie).


May you be able to write your cares away.

~A~



P.S. The title is from the song "All the Words" by The Bridges. Their album just came out, and you should totally buy it. They rock. Hard.

P.P.S.
All the words that you said
Made you matter in my head
I was tied to the thought of you
Thinkin’ back to the day
That I found you on my way
To a place I was goin’ to

Simplify all these years
In another round of tears
I’m so lost when it comes to you
Broken in and again
Now you’re everywhere I’ve been
So it’s hard to deny the view

Did you know I had you goin’?
You got your heart back
It was stolen
And there’s nothin’
I can do at all

And it’s still there
On the road we had
And it’s alright
Keep the memories tied to your heart dear
And the words will be enough
~ The Bridges, "All the Words"

Celebritizing

Here's a random image of my face morphing into Alyssa Milano's.

Some resemblance there, I think.

The "MyHeritage" website compares almost every picture of me to Beyoncé Knowles for some reason. And to a lot of Asian actresses I've never heard of. And occasionally to Alyson Hannigan.




I have a list of celebrities that people have compared me to:
- Aishwarya Rai
- Alyssa Milano
- Angelina Jolie
- Anne Hathaway
- Anneliese Van der Pol
- Ashley Judd
- Audrey Hepburn
- Carol Burnett (only got it once, but the guy was ADAMANT that I was her clone)
- Eden Riegel
- Emmy Rossum
- Laura San Giacomo
- Lauren Graham
- Lindsay Lohan (my coworker tells me I look like her all the time. Um, no I don't.)
- Liza Minnelli
- Mariah Carey (You wouldn't believe how often I get "a white Mariah")
- Monica Bellucci
- Nigella Lawson
- Natalie Wood
- Rita Moreno
- Rose McGowan
- Sofia Coppola


You guys have seen a bazillion pictures of me... Who do you think I look like?

~A~

The Woodwork

On Friday nights, before the performance of TnT, there is a rehearsal. The director attends and runs the choreographed and scripted parts of the show over and over again, working out any kinks.

If an actor has stopped connecting with the material and gone on auto-pilot, he'll make him repeat the monologue 15 times in a row, giving him direction until it becomes believable again. It's painful to watch, and I'm sure it's embarrassing for the actor, but it's the right thing to do. Otherwise, doing a long-running show can become mechanical and lose its humanity.

Apparently, the director had to ask the stage manager to remind him what my name was at the rehearsal, but he knew who I was. And, for the duration of the rehearsal, he gave me a character to watch: Sister Terry.

That's right, I said Sister. I watched the nun.

Not necessarily the role I was dying for, but I was so happy to have a character to watch that I didn't care much.

Sister Terry is Tina's cousin. I can't tell you much about the character without ruining things for you if you should come see the show. Let's just say that there's a bit of "nun gone (mildly) wild" during the reception. So that'll be fun.

Of course, watching a character in rehearsal is NOT the same as being assigned a character. I haven't gotten a character book yet, and being switched to another character to watch is entirely possible. We'll see what happens.

I'm just glad the director knows my name now.

As a side note, an EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE GUY started flirting with me as "Carmella" during TnT last night. The kind of guy that I could never, ever get in real life. *sigh* And yes, I know he was flirting with Carmella and not with me, and only because it was a character in a show and was entertaining for him... But still. Made me feel AWESOME.

But anyway...

I've been extremely social the last couple of weeks. Trying to distract myself from over-thinking things, perhaps. Going out so that I don't stay in. Because when I stay in, I get stuck inside my head. And that's not a fun place to be locked.

When I say I've been social lately, I mean that I've been hanging around a lot of random guys. I don't really have any core group of friends in Chicago that I hang out with regularly. I've spent so much time in my own little world between blogging, novel-ing, acting, grad-school-prepping, metaphysically dating... I never really noticed that I don't have friends. It didn't bother me, I suppose.

Frankly, the vast majority of the phone calls I've made since August have been to a certain cell phone in Nebraska. And that was enough for me.

Now that things are different, I guess I've needed people more. And I don't know where they've all been hiding, but they're here now that I need them. I don't know how many of them are friends, but they're close enough.

People have been really supportive and wanting to buy me drinks and go out for lunch and things. And most of those people happen to be male.

I've always been better at making friends with males than females. Maybe it's because I have brothers. Maybe it's just because I'm not a particularly feminine girl. Not to say I have no female friends. I do have Megan, after all. And Anna. But I rarely talk to either of them these days.

Last week, I wondered when the men would come out of the woodwork...

You might think to yourself, "Didn't she just say males keep buying her drinks and asking her to go out to meals?"

And you'd be right. But I didn't think that they were the Woodwork Guys. They just happened to be guys. Who happened to start hanging out with me lately. After I happened to become single. Coincidence.

But then I remembered something about myself...

I am generally dense when it comes to guys flirting with me and/or being interested in me.

No, seriously. A guy would be so much better off taping a sign to his chest that said, "I'm flirting with you" than attempting to actually flirt. I just completely miss it.

Adding to my inability to pick up on things is the fact that all the males I know are presently under the label "As Good As Gay" (which I discussed the rules for in Flipping the Switch). Why? Because regardless of what the quasi-relationship I've been in for the last several months was, I treated it like a relationship. And therefore I had relationship blinders on. When I'm involved with someone, EVERY OTHER MALE becomes "As Good As Gay". That's just how I operate. Due to the fact that these guys have not successfully "flipped the switch" yet, I'm oblivious to whatever advances they may be making.

Unless a NEW male were to approach me (one who had not already been lumped under the mental label), I'd miss it.

So I started thinking about things that had happened, and this weekend I started paying more attention to things as they were happening. And I think I'm picking up some flirtation and interest (it's possible I'm reading too much into things, as it is me... but when it comes to this topic, I doubt it) coming from a few directions... I think that the Woodwork Guys are there. I just didn't notice them.

But there's a problem: some of these guys were AGAG for other reasons. These males have certain qualities that ring as red flags on my AGAG radar. Things like:

- He has a girlfriend
- We work together
- He lives far away

No good. No good at all.

I think one of them may have asked me out. I think that was his intention, although at the time I thought it was more of a, "We should hang out sometime, buddy" kind of thing. Yes, I'm blind. But he's AGAG...

And even if these problems didn't exist, I don't know that I'd want to be pursuing anything now anyway. I'm leaving. And many of the people I interact with on a regular basis have no idea that I'm leaving (the TnT people... not telling them until middle of July, I think).

Actually...

To be completely and totally honest...

The moving thing is just an excuse.

The truth is, I don't think I want to date someone new.

I'm not ready.

I'm not mad anymore.
I'm not even sad anymore.
But I'm still not healed.

I'd just be making mental comparisons the whole time and realizing that the new guy didn't measure up. That he wasn't what I wanted. Because I know what it is that I want. And it isn't some random new guy. It's something that I can't have.

I'm still talking myself out of wanting it.

Makes me wonder why that one guy asked me out. Doesn't he know that I'm still in recovery mode? That I'm still working through some issues in my head? That my heart isn't healed, and I don't know when it will be? Just seems like logic to me.

Still, I guess it's nice that these Woodwork Guys exist. It makes me feel like maybe I am still desirable, even though I don't always feel that way.


May you notice when people start coming out of the woodwork,

~A~


P.S. ♫ And from the first to the last time, the signs said 'Stop', but we went on whole-hearted. It ended bad, but I love what we started. ♫ ~ Fiona Apple, "Parting Gift"

Forgettable

I still don't know who I'm watching in "Tony n' Tina's".

I've been a waiter for several weeks now, and I was hoping that I'd find out what character I was being considered for this week. But when the schedule arrived, that didn't happen. The other three newbies all got their assignments. Just not me. Instead, I'm going to be waiting tables all three nights. Which is fun, don't get me wrong, but I'm so antsy.

I mentioned in front of some cast members that I was frustrated by the wait. One of them said that it was probably delayed because I took off an entire 4-show weekend so that I could go to Nebraska. Well, isn't that just terrific.

Before the show, I was mid-conversation with some of the other actors when one of them turned to me and said, "Who are you?"

I thought she was kidding. She wasn't. She kept asking things like, "Have I met you? Have we done a show together? Are you sure?"

I've done at least 8 performances with that woman. Granted, she plays a character who is not in the pre-show and doesn't interact with Black Staff at all... and she uses the dressing room while I'm out doing pre-show... But still. It was upsetting.

After the show, I got into a discussion with the ASM, again expressing my discontent over not being assigned a character to watch. I inquired as to why this might be. He said, "To be honest, [the director] doesn't remember you."

"Yeah, very funny."

"Oh, I'm not kidding."

"Seriously?"

"When he sent over the schedule for this week, he forgot to put you on it. So I said, 'Hey, what about Angela?' And he said, 'Angela?' And I described you, and he said, 'Oh, Angela. Right.' So we put you on the schedule."

"He doesn't remember me?"

"Well, he hasn't seen you since your callback. He's seen the others. He usually comes on Fridays..."

"And the only Friday I was scheduled for was the one he couldn't make."

"And that one when you were on vacation."

*sigh*

Probably not a good sign that the director of the show I'm in forgot I existed and couldn't remember who I was without assistance.

Am I really that unremarkable? That forgettable?

I often think of myself as some sort of a character. At least, that's how people treat me. And I don't always like being the jester or the oddball, but I don't like this whole "fading into the walls" deal, either. Especially not when it has the potential to hurt my career.

Not that I'm referring to this show as my career... But in general. I plan to work in an industry in which being memorable is a great asset. And now apparently I'm not special enough to be noticed by a cast member or a director. Not good.

It'd be different, I'm sure, if either of those people had seen me in action. "Hot Cocoa" is still a work in progress, but "Carmella" is fully formed now.

Carmella
- WEIRD voice (that is really annoying outside of context, but funny in the show)
- Dumb as a box of rocks
- OBSESSED with reality television
- Overbearing mother
- Has had a lot of family members on "COPS"
- Likes paint-by-numbers
- Uncoordinated
- Loves to dance (but doesn't do it well)
- Likes to sing (but doesn't do it well)
- Took a correspondence course in Italian (knows about 20 words and can't pronounce them well)
- Has a special fascination with disco
- Roots for global warming every winter, but regrets it in the summer
- Is single because her mother told her men are evil
- Gets excited by pretty much everything

Hot Cocoa:
- Thinks she's ghetto, but is CLEARLY not
- speaks in a horrible "black-ccent"
- From Indiana
- Thinks weddings are depressing
- Considers sending couples condolence cards for their weddings
- Used to work at McDonald's, and misses the free cheeseburgers and McGriddles
- All her dancing includes hip gyrations and booty shaking
- Used to date Vito, but stole his cell phone and deleted her number when she saw him flirting with other women
- Smiles about as much as someone who works at the DMV

I'm sure if they saw me in character, they'd remember me. I make huge choices. And I get the audience members to laugh, dance, participate, and have fun in general. I'm good at it.

(Actually, that makes me feel great about my job. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Theatre can change the world.)

I'm trying not to take it personally. But still. It's disappointing when people don't know you're there.


May you use your power of invisibility for good instead of evil.

~A~

Getting Through It

I've been sending myself emails all week of things that I want to write, but I'm not really sure how to write. Instead of trying to weave it together to create something cohesive and interesting, I'm just going to put several of my random thoughts here.

- Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. I can't tell you how much your support has helped me get through the past week. I guess break ups are a pretty universal subject. Previously, the most comments I'd gotten on a blog post was 24. And at last count, that post was at 40. You guys are great. I love my friends/readers/dotcomrades!

- I decided not to cry anymore. I'm going to be okay.

- When I push you, it's not because I want you to fall; it's because I want you to push back.
(This one was almost the subject of a post on its own.)

- Everything happens for a reason. Like losing my cell phone in Omaha, for example. When I was at the airport, I looked at all the old text messages I'd saved from Brian. I tried to convince myself to delete them, but I couldn't. Now I don't have to. I don't have to delete the special Platinum Weird ring-tone I had for him, having Kara DioGuardi reminding me to consider "taking chances" whenever he calls (if he ever calls again). I don't have to take him off speed-dial (which I wouldn't have done). Everything was done for me. It's probably all for the best.

- I have entered into the sort of facebook relationship I thought I'd never be in. The kind that used to make me roll my eyes. I am now "in an open relationship" with a girl. My non-sexual soulmate Megan, to be precise. And it's far more comforting than I had anticipated.

- I started reading He's Just Not That into You on the L, and it's actually really helping. Very comforting. Makes me think that Brian was never as interested in me as he claimed to be or thought he was. Makes it seem like I've done nothing wrong, and that someone out there WILL be that into me someday. Rather than being depressing, it actually gives me hope.

- It's really hard to argue with someone who won't argue back. And sometimes, you just really need to argue.

- I ordered two "somethings" from The Something Store a couple of weeks ago. One for me, and one for Brian. He texted me yesterday that he got cuff-links. I got a USB hub, which is about as useful to me as cuff-links would have been. But the "what could it be?" anticipation was worth the money.

- My iTunes keeps playing "Don't Cry out Loud" by Melissa Manchester. Over and over again. What are you trying to tell me, iTunes?

- Took my computer in to The Apple Store because the sound stopped working right while I was in Nebraska. They say I need a new logic board, and that they'd have to confiscate my computer for 5 days. I'm not sure I could survive without my computer for 5 days. My MacBook is like an extension of my body. It even comes to work with me most days, in case I want to work on my novel at lunch. I wouldn't be able to blog, work on my novel, surf the net, watch DVDs, watch television... for 5 whole days? I would surely die. So I'm keeping computer at the moment and hoping that the logic board doesn't just up and self-destruct on me. Because I think I'd have an emotional breakdown if it did. And I've had way too many of those lately.

- After my last two break ups, men started coming out of the woodwork. Ex #2 showed up a couple of days after Ex #1. Brian asked me out the night Ex #2 broke up with me. (Wait, does Brian count as Ex #3?) No men have come out of the woodwork yet this time. Part of me wishes they would, because having juice always gives my self-esteem a temporary boost. And another part of me just wants to swear off men entirely.

- I just realized I probably won't have any romantic male presence in my life until, like, 2011. No point in getting into a relationship in Chicago when I'm leaving so soon (and clearly long distance doesn't work in my world). And once I get to grad school, I know I won't date anyone. Dating a classmate is a horrible idea in a program that small, and I have no desire to date a townie. I guess I'll just remain locked in my celibacy cellar for the next few years.

- Brian did read my last post, despite my warning. And he's upset. I sent him a text to tell him that I'm okay. He wrote back that after reading my blog, he's not. *sigh* I didn't mean to hurt him. I care about him too much to want to hurt him. And I hate that he's upset.

- On the other hand, why is HE upset? Isn't that my job? And why am I suddenly being so mature and cool with everything?

- How can you transition into being friends with someone you were in a non-relationship with? Where is the line between long-distance metaphysical relationship and long-distance friendship? Is it just that during phone calls you don't say what you're wearing and stop mentioning how much you want to hold the other person? If he thought we were never more than friends anyway, this transition shouldn't be too hard, right? So why doesn't he want to talk to me?



And on to our regularly scheduled story-time...

I've been relatively useless at work, but my boss is being really cool about it. I think she understands that I'm not quite in my right mind at the moment. I'll just have to work doubly hard next week to make up for my sluggishness this week.

I went out after work with a bunch of coworkers on Friday, which is something we haven't done since January 2007. And they convinced me to drink. A lot. People just kept handing me beers, and I kept chugging them. I remember beer #7, and I know I kept going after that, but I can't remember how many I ended up having. I remember wanting to text Brian, and them taking away my phone more than once. After that event, I called my friend Ian, thinking it was probably a better idea to call him than Brian. I'm sure most of what I said was completely incoherent... oh well. Ian dealt with it.

For the record, before Friday, I don't think I'd had any alcohol at all since... that night when I put on the blonde wig, drank Midori out of a plastic bowl, and made people music videos on Facebook. I think that was... middle of January. Yeah.

Last night, I had a performance of TnT. I didn't feel up to playing the "Carmella" role that I have created and loved (high energy, low intelligence, cheerful, loves to dance, obsessed with reality television and thinks global warming is a good idea). And as a waiter, I'm pretty free to switch up my character if I wish. So I started a new character based off of some playful conversations I had with Brian using a sort of "black-cent" (her name is "Hot Cocoa", she's from Indiana but thinks she's ghetto, weddings depress her because they remind her that she's single). One of the other Black Staff (Dan, who played Vito) worked out a story line with me (Vito and Hot Cocoa used to date, but he was flirting with too many other women, so she left him) that made the evening particularly amusing.

After the show, I hit up the usual bar with the cast. My friend Dave came out and joined us. I met Dave doing a show a year ago, and he was vitally instrumental to me in getting through my break up with Ex #1. And all the times I've ever spent with him are marked by a common theme: Dave giving me alcohol and getting me very, very drunk. Dave, Dan, Lauren (the SM), and I stuck together for most of the night, and headed to another bar at one point. I don't remember too much, aside from Lauren confiscating my phone from me for the majority of the excursion. Probably for the best. I wish I could remember how much I drank... I'm pretty sure that at least 4 vodka cranberries and a couple of random shots were included.

I had a text conversation with Ex #1 last night while we were both drunk. It's actually the most I've felt like his friend since we broke up. For some reason I told him about Brian via text... because I had been drinking and didn't realize that it probably wasn't a great thing to bring up... But he was cool about it. Said he hadn't heard, and that he was sorry things didn't work out. How weird is it that things ending with Brian may have brought me closer to Ex #1? Didn't see that coming.

I'm going out to lunch in a minute with my friend Daniel. I'm going out later tonight with Cleric. I'm pretty sure I'm meeting up with someone else tomorrow night, but at the moment I'm not even sure who it is (sorry!!! If it's you, please remind me!!! Drinking is frying my memory). And I'm meeting my friend Beka on Tuesday...

Probably best to keep busy. It's a good distraction.

I'm sure there are like 30 more things I want to say, but this is probably good for now.


May you find ways to get through the bad days.

~A~


P.S. Jenn made a lovely little diagram to illustrate how she was dealing with her break up. I made one too. It's not funny like hers. But I made one. I can't make it bigger than this for some reason, but if you click on it you'll see a large version.