The Woodwork

On Friday nights, before the performance of TnT, there is a rehearsal. The director attends and runs the choreographed and scripted parts of the show over and over again, working out any kinks.

If an actor has stopped connecting with the material and gone on auto-pilot, he'll make him repeat the monologue 15 times in a row, giving him direction until it becomes believable again. It's painful to watch, and I'm sure it's embarrassing for the actor, but it's the right thing to do. Otherwise, doing a long-running show can become mechanical and lose its humanity.

Apparently, the director had to ask the stage manager to remind him what my name was at the rehearsal, but he knew who I was. And, for the duration of the rehearsal, he gave me a character to watch: Sister Terry.

That's right, I said Sister. I watched the nun.

Not necessarily the role I was dying for, but I was so happy to have a character to watch that I didn't care much.

Sister Terry is Tina's cousin. I can't tell you much about the character without ruining things for you if you should come see the show. Let's just say that there's a bit of "nun gone (mildly) wild" during the reception. So that'll be fun.

Of course, watching a character in rehearsal is NOT the same as being assigned a character. I haven't gotten a character book yet, and being switched to another character to watch is entirely possible. We'll see what happens.

I'm just glad the director knows my name now.

As a side note, an EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE GUY started flirting with me as "Carmella" during TnT last night. The kind of guy that I could never, ever get in real life. *sigh* And yes, I know he was flirting with Carmella and not with me, and only because it was a character in a show and was entertaining for him... But still. Made me feel AWESOME.

But anyway...

I've been extremely social the last couple of weeks. Trying to distract myself from over-thinking things, perhaps. Going out so that I don't stay in. Because when I stay in, I get stuck inside my head. And that's not a fun place to be locked.

When I say I've been social lately, I mean that I've been hanging around a lot of random guys. I don't really have any core group of friends in Chicago that I hang out with regularly. I've spent so much time in my own little world between blogging, novel-ing, acting, grad-school-prepping, metaphysically dating... I never really noticed that I don't have friends. It didn't bother me, I suppose.

Frankly, the vast majority of the phone calls I've made since August have been to a certain cell phone in Nebraska. And that was enough for me.

Now that things are different, I guess I've needed people more. And I don't know where they've all been hiding, but they're here now that I need them. I don't know how many of them are friends, but they're close enough.

People have been really supportive and wanting to buy me drinks and go out for lunch and things. And most of those people happen to be male.

I've always been better at making friends with males than females. Maybe it's because I have brothers. Maybe it's just because I'm not a particularly feminine girl. Not to say I have no female friends. I do have Megan, after all. And Anna. But I rarely talk to either of them these days.

Last week, I wondered when the men would come out of the woodwork...

You might think to yourself, "Didn't she just say males keep buying her drinks and asking her to go out to meals?"

And you'd be right. But I didn't think that they were the Woodwork Guys. They just happened to be guys. Who happened to start hanging out with me lately. After I happened to become single. Coincidence.

But then I remembered something about myself...

I am generally dense when it comes to guys flirting with me and/or being interested in me.

No, seriously. A guy would be so much better off taping a sign to his chest that said, "I'm flirting with you" than attempting to actually flirt. I just completely miss it.

Adding to my inability to pick up on things is the fact that all the males I know are presently under the label "As Good As Gay" (which I discussed the rules for in Flipping the Switch). Why? Because regardless of what the quasi-relationship I've been in for the last several months was, I treated it like a relationship. And therefore I had relationship blinders on. When I'm involved with someone, EVERY OTHER MALE becomes "As Good As Gay". That's just how I operate. Due to the fact that these guys have not successfully "flipped the switch" yet, I'm oblivious to whatever advances they may be making.

Unless a NEW male were to approach me (one who had not already been lumped under the mental label), I'd miss it.

So I started thinking about things that had happened, and this weekend I started paying more attention to things as they were happening. And I think I'm picking up some flirtation and interest (it's possible I'm reading too much into things, as it is me... but when it comes to this topic, I doubt it) coming from a few directions... I think that the Woodwork Guys are there. I just didn't notice them.

But there's a problem: some of these guys were AGAG for other reasons. These males have certain qualities that ring as red flags on my AGAG radar. Things like:

- He has a girlfriend
- We work together
- He lives far away

No good. No good at all.

I think one of them may have asked me out. I think that was his intention, although at the time I thought it was more of a, "We should hang out sometime, buddy" kind of thing. Yes, I'm blind. But he's AGAG...

And even if these problems didn't exist, I don't know that I'd want to be pursuing anything now anyway. I'm leaving. And many of the people I interact with on a regular basis have no idea that I'm leaving (the TnT people... not telling them until middle of July, I think).

Actually...

To be completely and totally honest...

The moving thing is just an excuse.

The truth is, I don't think I want to date someone new.

I'm not ready.

I'm not mad anymore.
I'm not even sad anymore.
But I'm still not healed.

I'd just be making mental comparisons the whole time and realizing that the new guy didn't measure up. That he wasn't what I wanted. Because I know what it is that I want. And it isn't some random new guy. It's something that I can't have.

I'm still talking myself out of wanting it.

Makes me wonder why that one guy asked me out. Doesn't he know that I'm still in recovery mode? That I'm still working through some issues in my head? That my heart isn't healed, and I don't know when it will be? Just seems like logic to me.

Still, I guess it's nice that these Woodwork Guys exist. It makes me feel like maybe I am still desirable, even though I don't always feel that way.


May you notice when people start coming out of the woodwork,

~A~


P.S. ♫ And from the first to the last time, the signs said 'Stop', but we went on whole-hearted. It ended bad, but I love what we started. ♫ ~ Fiona Apple, "Parting Gift"