As I prepared you for in my last post, I've again started dealing with a facet of myself that I don't particularly care for.
I'm a chameleon.
I adapt easily. I am fully willing to change.
Doesn't immediately sound like a bad thing, does it?
But it is.
It comes out in relationships. I have a tendency to mold myself into whatever it is I think the other person wants. And, as a result, I sometimes lose sight of who I am and what it is that I want.
I do whatever the other person wants to do. I watch movies that I have no interest in watching. I listen to music that I would never listen to otherwise. Hell, I watched Monday Night RAW (yeah, that's right... professional wrestling) sitting on a couch next to my then-boyfriend for about a year.
And I liked it.
Or I thought I did. At the time.
I even had a favorite character (Edge). And favorite moves. And I knew all the back-stories of all the wrestlers (both the performers AND their characters).
But I don't know if I ever actually liked it. I don't think that I ever really enjoyed listening to U2, watching Mr. Show, or suffering through The Fast and the Furious with my exes. What I was actually deriving pleasure from was making them happy. Seeing how excited they were that they had finally found someone with whom they could share this thing that they loved? That was the real magic.
Maybe it has something to do with me being an actor. Maybe I crave the opportunity to play these roles. Maybe I just have low self-esteem. Or maybe I think that it's impossible to find someone who I'll actually have things in common with, so I find ways to synthesize that.
When I recently discussed this with a coworker, he said that all relationships are like that. That there's a level of give and take. A balance. And that you each spend time giving the things that the other person likes a chance.
Unfortunately, my male counterparts are usually not as eager to contort to my favorite things as I am to them.
Brian was different, to some extent. We had aligned tastes in music from the get-go. We were excited to learn new music from each other. To look at it honestly, I think I was probably more excited to hear his music than he was to hear mine. And I shared mine with him more frequently than he sent any back... But still, it was a start.
And here I am, watching his collection of Battlestar Galactica, trudging through episodes I don't like, while he holds my copies of Arrested Development and The Office somewhere in the desert. We share these things even now, after all that's happened... We're learning to like things that the other person liked first.
It's more out of friendship now, I guess. I hope. I think I'm watching this show at a friend's recommendation. It's not because I'm semi-consciously trying to be the perfect girl for him.
Yet, I can't help but wonder... Am I watching because I like it, or because on some level I think it'll make Brian happy if I like it?
The honest answer is that I don't know.
And that scares me.
Here's another weird thing... Brian got me interested in the music of Kara DioGuardi and her band, Platinum Weird. And I know, I KNOW, that I genuinely like that music. But I haven't been able to listen to it since I left Nebraska. I skip over it as soon as it comes on my iTunes.
So how come this thing that I actually enjoy is something that I'm now removing from my life, and this other thing that I only like sometimes doesn't bother me at all? What's the difference?
Maybe it's because I listened to Kara's music WHILE I was with Brian, whereas BSG only really entered my life when I was in Nebraska. Maybe, somehow, BSG doesn't remind me of him as much?
The girl sighs.
Why can't I tell the difference between things I like and the things I try to like because other people do? Is it just because I'm good at convincing myself of things?
I don't always know who I am or what I want. I've always been willing to sit through things I didn't like if my friends did. Heck, the thing that got me on stage back in 6th grade was my best friend auditioning for the musical. I thought I should do it, too. The whole reason I'm on the career path that I'm on was because I was pretending to like something that someone else liked, and it just sort of stuck.
In the movie Runaway Bride (I've never seen it in its entirety and I'm splicing together fragments here, so please forgive inaccuracies), the main character is like me, but in an extreme form. She molds herself so closely to the desires of whatever man she's with that she never really knows who she is or what she wants. She doesn't even know how she likes her eggs, because she's so used to eating them however the current male in her life does.
That's how I feel sometimes. I question whether I like eggs at all. (Metaphorically speaking, that is.)
There's another problem I can spot from this behavioral pattern. One that might be worse...
I have this semi-conscious desire to be the "cool girlfriend". So I put up with a lot. I convince myself that I'm not bothered by things that should, by all means, bother me. Like the time that my long-distance boyfriend didn't return my calls for three weeks straight, and I said, "That's okay. I know you've been really busy lately." Or the times that I've let a relationship go undefined for too long because I didn't want to pressure the guy into submitting to a label, and then felt used when it turned out we hadn't been in the same place mentally. Or how I kept dating a guy after he didn't return my phone calls on our 2nd anniversary.
Why? Because I was trying to be the kind of girlfriend I thought I should be. The kind I wish I were. Completely laid back, low-maintenance, and cool. I pretend to be that girl a lot. I feel like I SHOULD be that girl. I want to be her. And so I act like I'm more okay with things than I am. I try to convince myself that things are fine, when clearly I don't actually feel that way. I ignore my instincts a great deal because I feel like I'm being the whiny shrew in the relationship if I don't, and that's not what I want to be.
I don't know why I do it. Maybe it's because I have low self-esteem. On some level, maybe I feel like no one will ever love me as I am. So I try to be something that they will love. I try to do all the things I think they'll want me to do.
Also, I never fall first. I only go after guys that I already know are interested in me. Low-hanging fruit, I suppose (please forgive the corporate buzzword). I guess I'm so shocked by the idea that anyone could want me that I WANT to want them back. And we already know that I'm good at talking myself into things. Add this to the list.
How horrible is that? Maybe every feeling I've ever had has been one I convinced myself to have.
I can't keep doing this stuff. I can't. I deserve better than to settle for someone just because they want me. I shouldn't have to put my needs on hold in order to be the cool, low-maintenance girlfriend. I shouldn't have to be the only one trying to adapt. And I definitely shouldn't pretend to be someone I'm not.
But I'm not sure that I know how to stop.
May you be happy being you.
~A~
P.S. I'm watching Sister Terry twice this weekend in TnT. Woo-hoo!
P.P.S. Renee and Jenn are coming to see TnT tomorrow night, and I'm super excited!
P.P.P.S. I'm also going out with a bar to meet up with a thousand bloggers tomorrow night, and then on a cupcake crawl on Saturday. Best weekend ever? Quite possibly. :)
Monday, June 23, 2008
Chameleon
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
26 comments:
Wow, you sound a lot like me.
Sadly, I have no advice on how to cure that.
Wow girly. That's a lot to inquire. I think what you're experiencing is normal. It could be all of the things you've mentioned or some of them! I think us as females have that ability and that curse to be what we want to be. It just sucks when its not more of a give & take. When we give our all but our partner doesn't care at all! I hope you find the answers to your questions, good luck.
I think a lot of us do this. We try to be what we think the other wants instead of being ourselves. It's difficult to not get wrapped up in the fantasy of relationships sometimes. But at least you realize it. Maybe now you'll make the conscious effort to hang onto you and not mold yourself too much.
Tonight will be awesome! I'm still spazzing on what to wear haha!
I'm just going to tell you this right now;
You don't enjoy professional wrestling or "fast and furious".
I don't think any woman watches that stuff on their own, it's always a guy that introduces them to it.
But it's okay, being a chameleon can be fine. I get a little choked up every time the hubby whips out some comic book facts, it's like watching your kid take their first steps.
You'll find yourself. It may not seem like it now, but it will happen. Eight years ago I was going to change colleges, religions, politics and my diet for a guy. That SOB made me eat snails! Seriously.
Clearly, that didn't work out, and now I'm happy to be my real self and with a man who loves that girl as much as (or even more than, probably) I do.
O.K., I tend to read your stuff without comment but in this case I feel the need to say something.
Be yourself.
I've dated a few chameleons and -- from the male and blind POV -- it was terrific ... until I realized that the only reason they liked everything I liked was because I like it.
As I've gotten older I've come to cherish the differences between me and the girls I've dated. You have your own POV (that's obvious just from the sheer word count of your blog entries) so don't be afraid to stick to it ... especially if not doing so would require watching any professional wrestling matches.
Girl, I am SO with you on everything you just wrote! I've spent the past three years literally learning how to say "no". Seriously... my friends use to say I was so easy-going and laid back but I realized I compromised a lot of myself to others (in friendships and relationships). It is a give and take in a relationship, but find someone who will give too- not just yourself. And I've learned sometimes it's really ok to be pissed off at a guy when he really screws up. I still hesitate saying anything though- it's a work in progress and my "growth" area.
There are so many things in this post that stuck me.
Awwww, girlfriend has a nasty (but common) case of the 20-somethings. Relationships in my 20s were exactly as you wrote - a lot of conforming to other people's expectations. As you find yourself more, you'll be less tolerant of all this conforming. You'll look back and get a good giggle about your old self. I did.
But then I thought about it more and found a different reasoning. Which is, there is lots of give and take in every relationship. And each relationship has different degrees of give and take. It's when you find that perfect balance for you (and he finds that perfect balance for him) that things seem to work. And based on what you've said, at this point in your life, you are most definitely a giver. There's nothing wrong with that!
Have a great weekend! Can't wait to hear the recap!
I think a lot of girls are like this. I sometimes am. But now i'm with someone that i feel totally open to just be ME with, and it's fabulous!
That's how I feel sometimes. I question whether I like eggs at all.
Does this mean you're a lesbian now? Because I'd totally support you on that. :)
I tend to adapt to people, too - but I hear that there are two sides to this coin:
Those that adapt are more inclined to be empathetic, and that they understand the condition of others more so that those others understand it themselves. So that can be a good thing.
Those that radiate personality that affect others are sometimes seen as the life of the party, but can also be seen as pushy or self-interested.
Also, seeing as how I can completely identify with this and most of the commenters here who identify are female... perhaps I'm more feminine than I thought?
The whole part about taking on others interests and wanting to be the cool girlfriend? Sub in friends for boyfriends & I pretty much could've written that about myself.
I totally get it, unfortunately, I have no idea how to fix it.
I pretend to be indecisive because I'm too worried that no one else will want what I want & then I'll just be forcing everyone to do stuff they don't want to. I'm way too eager to please, but I want to be a good & caring person & I guess I don't know how to be good & caring and still do what I really want to.
Well crickets. A lot of people have thrown in their two cents. If they keep it up, you'll have a whole dollar.
Stop worrying so much. That'd be my advice.
So you do things to make a relationship partner happy. That's fine. That's actually very very normal.
If you didn't make such accommodations and sacrifices, relationships wouldn't happen. Now a lot of boys don't learn that we have to give as much as we receive until we mess up a few of those relationships, so don't worry too much about that either. When you get one who has a higher level of maturity, he'll do things with you that he may not like at all, just because he likes to make you smile.
Just remember. There's nothing wrong with doing something that makes you happy. If that's doing things with other people that aren't your "bag", fine. But if they make you happy at the time, then really they ARE your bag, and your tastes just change after a while. No big deal, nothing to fret about. Its gonna keep happening to you throughout your life, so take it easy no?
All that really matters is that your happy with what you are currently doing. As long as you do that, then you're gravy lady.
Take care.
I'm quite like this myself but I think recognising it is the first step to trying to fix this. In fact, I think my most recent ex probably didn't like the fact I didn't immediately jump at him forcing films I had no interest in and buying me Ryan Adams cds for me which i didn't really listen to and that's why he's now gone for a much younger model who raved all over her facebook how she suddenly had a crush on Bruce Springsteen purely because he likes his music. It's one thing to give something a try cos your man likes it, but he's got to do the same back I think. It's all about compromise in the end, and two people who are too similar are to me just as much of a mismatch as two who are completely different and have nothing in common. As for the cupcake crawl, I'm so jealous . . .
I think it's inevitable that we change a little bit to be more of what our sig ot wants us to be. And that's not necessarily a bad thing, but you have to be true to you and not change enough where you don't remember who you are and what you want. It's a delicate balance. I've had it backfire on me and watched friends morph into wet blankets I don't even know anymore. It's sad.
Haven't had a chance to read the whole post(using the hotel's computer) but I am SO glad you made it out last night and I am wicked stoked for the cupcake crawl.
You = Awesome ^2
Hello my fellow Degrassi worshipper. I've hunted you down!
I think there is a certain beauty to that relationship in which the adapting is natural, rather than a forced feeling to it. You never really notice how forced something is until you have something that has flowed more easily.
I think what we are is never static: we want to try new things that people recommend or enjoy themselves -- constantly -- and so, when we have someone that seems significant at the time, then we're going to lean towards that person's tastes.
And, what we like doesn't define who we are: it's a small facet.
And, sometimes we try to be something we aren't for seemingly ultra-specific external reasons, but really because, internally, we want to and perhaps are changing part of ourselves.
Maybe?
I know what you mean about the liking someone because they like you (despite not really being in that position very often). I don't know, my thoughts are going into words very well on the subject, at the nonce. Maybe I'll post about it in my LJ, sometime.
Also, I've been noticing more and more logic flaws in Battlestar. Only one disk into the second season, now, but just seems like every other scene has a glaring mistake in it. My guess is I'm over-analyzing it like I do everything else. It's still a fun show, just should try not to think so much while watching it. lol
G'day from Australia,
We can all identify with this post.
I came here from Dan's blog.
You're young yet, you'll reclaim your identity with a passion once you get older...and won't let go for anyone!
David sent me...congrats on his menition for Post of the Day...
Sandi
Part of it is just time and age- you'll get to the point that your own taste is more easily defined, and therefore less fluid.
The music touched you, and that's why you truly like it, but it hits a wound right now. Shelve it for a month or two. BSG you don't much care about either way, and that's maybe a sign that you don't really care for it.
I would make a few commitments to yourself. In your next relationship, you need to:
1. make your tastes and opinions clear up front. That means that if you love something, you express that unabashed love for it without worrying or considering the compatibility with his tastes. If you don't like something, you admit that you don't like it. If he loves football, and you hate it, admit it. Maybe he can win you over to the dark side, and maybe not. Relationships are not made and broken on taste. I bet if you think about it, you guard this info closely, as it makes it easier to match his stripes.
#2: Establish and hold firm a level of acceptable treatment. Do not allow some ass muffin to ignore you for days and then give them an excuse or an out the next time you talk to them. You're wasting your time on men who aren't ready or aren't interested enough. Other than the occasional "oops", you need to not be putting up with the crap!
You are not alone. I could have written this about 10 years ago.
It gets better. It will now. You are self aware and that's the main battle. Now sit back and chill, enjoy what YOU enjoy and don't over analyse.
You'll be fine. And you're not cracked. Or maybe, both you and me are. ;0)
[The world's gone mad! I'm the only sane person here!]
To Ultimadea - Good luck with curing it in yourself.
To Romney - I'm glad to hear that it's somewhat normal. Thanks for the luck.
To Jenn - I am certainly aware of the problem, which is hopefully the first step to recovery.
To Rachel - Haha. You're probably right on all counts.
To Heidi Renée - I hope to be as lucky in love as you have been. (Well, I'll skip the snails part...)
To Tankboy - Thanks for coming out of hiding to comment. I will do my best to be myself. :)
To Ashley - Good luck with your own journey!
To Nilsa S. - Haha. Perhaps I do have a case of the 20-somethings. But I feel like to selfish of a person to call myself a giver.
To Stephanie - I'm happy for you! I hope I can find the same thing.
To CK1 - Nice try, but no. Still like men. Unfortunately.
To Nico - I see what you mean about the two sides of the coin thing. I wouldn't worry about being feminine. Most of my commenters are always female. I have a fair number of male readers, but they're less likely to comment.
To Karlynn - Good luck on your own journey. And yeah, I'll just have to pay attention to it more.
To Julia - Fixing it does seem to be the harder part. Don't pretend to be indecisive. People will just get frustrated with your lack of indecision (I say this because of personal experience). Let's both work on knowing what we want and asking for it.
To Nicodemus - Thanks, buddy. We'll talk more next week.
To Paula - I like your thought about too-similar people being a bad match. I think you're right.
To bayjb - Don't worry. I'm not the wet blanket type. :)
To Deutlich - I'm glad, too! LOVED it!
To Princess Pointful - I don't know that my relationships have felt "forced", but I suppose I don't have anything to compare them to. *shrugs*
To Daniel - I think I am definitely in a perpetual state of flux, so you might have something there.
To ShadowJim - Haha. You'll have to tell me about all these Battlestar Logic Flaws at some point.
To David McMahon - Thanks for linking to this post!
To Sandi McBride - I'm already a passionate person, so I think you're probably right. Thanks for visiting!
To VeryBadCat - Thank you for the excellent advice. I will take it to heart.
To CrazyCath - Thanks for the encouragement!
I found your blog through a search on Bing and really enjoyed the content very much. I have bookmarked this site and will be faithfully reading more.
Couldn?t be written any better. Reading this post reminds me of my old room mate! He always kept talking about this. I will forward this article to him. Pretty sure he will have a good read. Thanks for sharing!
Post a Comment