Getting Through It

I've been sending myself emails all week of things that I want to write, but I'm not really sure how to write. Instead of trying to weave it together to create something cohesive and interesting, I'm just going to put several of my random thoughts here.

- Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. I can't tell you how much your support has helped me get through the past week. I guess break ups are a pretty universal subject. Previously, the most comments I'd gotten on a blog post was 24. And at last count, that post was at 40. You guys are great. I love my friends/readers/dotcomrades!

- I decided not to cry anymore. I'm going to be okay.

- When I push you, it's not because I want you to fall; it's because I want you to push back.
(This one was almost the subject of a post on its own.)

- Everything happens for a reason. Like losing my cell phone in Omaha, for example. When I was at the airport, I looked at all the old text messages I'd saved from Brian. I tried to convince myself to delete them, but I couldn't. Now I don't have to. I don't have to delete the special Platinum Weird ring-tone I had for him, having Kara DioGuardi reminding me to consider "taking chances" whenever he calls (if he ever calls again). I don't have to take him off speed-dial (which I wouldn't have done). Everything was done for me. It's probably all for the best.

- I have entered into the sort of facebook relationship I thought I'd never be in. The kind that used to make me roll my eyes. I am now "in an open relationship" with a girl. My non-sexual soulmate Megan, to be precise. And it's far more comforting than I had anticipated.

- I started reading He's Just Not That into You on the L, and it's actually really helping. Very comforting. Makes me think that Brian was never as interested in me as he claimed to be or thought he was. Makes it seem like I've done nothing wrong, and that someone out there WILL be that into me someday. Rather than being depressing, it actually gives me hope.

- It's really hard to argue with someone who won't argue back. And sometimes, you just really need to argue.

- I ordered two "somethings" from The Something Store a couple of weeks ago. One for me, and one for Brian. He texted me yesterday that he got cuff-links. I got a USB hub, which is about as useful to me as cuff-links would have been. But the "what could it be?" anticipation was worth the money.

- My iTunes keeps playing "Don't Cry out Loud" by Melissa Manchester. Over and over again. What are you trying to tell me, iTunes?

- Took my computer in to The Apple Store because the sound stopped working right while I was in Nebraska. They say I need a new logic board, and that they'd have to confiscate my computer for 5 days. I'm not sure I could survive without my computer for 5 days. My MacBook is like an extension of my body. It even comes to work with me most days, in case I want to work on my novel at lunch. I wouldn't be able to blog, work on my novel, surf the net, watch DVDs, watch television... for 5 whole days? I would surely die. So I'm keeping computer at the moment and hoping that the logic board doesn't just up and self-destruct on me. Because I think I'd have an emotional breakdown if it did. And I've had way too many of those lately.

- After my last two break ups, men started coming out of the woodwork. Ex #2 showed up a couple of days after Ex #1. Brian asked me out the night Ex #2 broke up with me. (Wait, does Brian count as Ex #3?) No men have come out of the woodwork yet this time. Part of me wishes they would, because having juice always gives my self-esteem a temporary boost. And another part of me just wants to swear off men entirely.

- I just realized I probably won't have any romantic male presence in my life until, like, 2011. No point in getting into a relationship in Chicago when I'm leaving so soon (and clearly long distance doesn't work in my world). And once I get to grad school, I know I won't date anyone. Dating a classmate is a horrible idea in a program that small, and I have no desire to date a townie. I guess I'll just remain locked in my celibacy cellar for the next few years.

- Brian did read my last post, despite my warning. And he's upset. I sent him a text to tell him that I'm okay. He wrote back that after reading my blog, he's not. *sigh* I didn't mean to hurt him. I care about him too much to want to hurt him. And I hate that he's upset.

- On the other hand, why is HE upset? Isn't that my job? And why am I suddenly being so mature and cool with everything?

- How can you transition into being friends with someone you were in a non-relationship with? Where is the line between long-distance metaphysical relationship and long-distance friendship? Is it just that during phone calls you don't say what you're wearing and stop mentioning how much you want to hold the other person? If he thought we were never more than friends anyway, this transition shouldn't be too hard, right? So why doesn't he want to talk to me?



And on to our regularly scheduled story-time...

I've been relatively useless at work, but my boss is being really cool about it. I think she understands that I'm not quite in my right mind at the moment. I'll just have to work doubly hard next week to make up for my sluggishness this week.

I went out after work with a bunch of coworkers on Friday, which is something we haven't done since January 2007. And they convinced me to drink. A lot. People just kept handing me beers, and I kept chugging them. I remember beer #7, and I know I kept going after that, but I can't remember how many I ended up having. I remember wanting to text Brian, and them taking away my phone more than once. After that event, I called my friend Ian, thinking it was probably a better idea to call him than Brian. I'm sure most of what I said was completely incoherent... oh well. Ian dealt with it.

For the record, before Friday, I don't think I'd had any alcohol at all since... that night when I put on the blonde wig, drank Midori out of a plastic bowl, and made people music videos on Facebook. I think that was... middle of January. Yeah.

Last night, I had a performance of TnT. I didn't feel up to playing the "Carmella" role that I have created and loved (high energy, low intelligence, cheerful, loves to dance, obsessed with reality television and thinks global warming is a good idea). And as a waiter, I'm pretty free to switch up my character if I wish. So I started a new character based off of some playful conversations I had with Brian using a sort of "black-cent" (her name is "Hot Cocoa", she's from Indiana but thinks she's ghetto, weddings depress her because they remind her that she's single). One of the other Black Staff (Dan, who played Vito) worked out a story line with me (Vito and Hot Cocoa used to date, but he was flirting with too many other women, so she left him) that made the evening particularly amusing.

After the show, I hit up the usual bar with the cast. My friend Dave came out and joined us. I met Dave doing a show a year ago, and he was vitally instrumental to me in getting through my break up with Ex #1. And all the times I've ever spent with him are marked by a common theme: Dave giving me alcohol and getting me very, very drunk. Dave, Dan, Lauren (the SM), and I stuck together for most of the night, and headed to another bar at one point. I don't remember too much, aside from Lauren confiscating my phone from me for the majority of the excursion. Probably for the best. I wish I could remember how much I drank... I'm pretty sure that at least 4 vodka cranberries and a couple of random shots were included.

I had a text conversation with Ex #1 last night while we were both drunk. It's actually the most I've felt like his friend since we broke up. For some reason I told him about Brian via text... because I had been drinking and didn't realize that it probably wasn't a great thing to bring up... But he was cool about it. Said he hadn't heard, and that he was sorry things didn't work out. How weird is it that things ending with Brian may have brought me closer to Ex #1? Didn't see that coming.

I'm going out to lunch in a minute with my friend Daniel. I'm going out later tonight with Cleric. I'm pretty sure I'm meeting up with someone else tomorrow night, but at the moment I'm not even sure who it is (sorry!!! If it's you, please remind me!!! Drinking is frying my memory). And I'm meeting my friend Beka on Tuesday...

Probably best to keep busy. It's a good distraction.

I'm sure there are like 30 more things I want to say, but this is probably good for now.


May you find ways to get through the bad days.

~A~


P.S. Jenn made a lovely little diagram to illustrate how she was dealing with her break up. I made one too. It's not funny like hers. But I made one. I can't make it bigger than this for some reason, but if you click on it you'll see a large version.