It's been awhile since I've shared any of my theories, so I've decided it's time to present one.
I've been working on this one for a long time, but it's not quite finished yet. I feel like there's more here. I encourage you to share your thoughts in the comments section.
I call it The Fine Lines of Personality, and, as with most of my theories, it has to do with dating (well, really, it has to do with people, but the best application for it is in dating). I named it after a lyric from the musical Avenue Q...
"There's a fine, fine line between love and a waste of time."
So here goes.
Did you ever notice that people around you (and occasionally you) are drawn to people who turn out to be completely horrible? Well, here's the thing: everyone is horrible in one way or another. And we all have ways of trying to hide it.
Everyone has positive and negative qualities. Everyone is flawed. That is fact.
I imagine that the reason people date the wrong person for long periods of time is because they're blinded by a positive quality that sort of masks the negative one. And it's my thought that these things come in pairs. Every negative quality has a complementary positive one.
Herein lies my theory... People fall into categories. Maybe not perfectly. I myself dip a little into three of the ponds I'm about to mention. But it's an interesting way of dissecting people and relationships. And I'm sure there are more out there (just like in Hogwarts, there are more qualities that students have than there are Houses that play up said qualities... Sorry. Harry Potter geek going back into hiding now).
The Fine Lines
- Charming/Con Artist
- Sexy/Evil
- Confident/Cocky
- Passionate/Violent
- Mysterious/Manipulative
- Sensitive/Spineless
- Quirky/Crazy
Confused? Don't worry. Mama Angela is here to explain.
(Note: I mentally associate some of these with males and some with females due to my past experiences, and I might address them as such. But I assure you, either gender can be placed in any of these categories.)
CHARMING/CON ARTIST
I've dealt with these sorts a lot in my life, and now I can generally spot them from a distance. I originally called this one "Charming/A**hole", but I decided that was too generic. Encounters with someone bearing this label leave you feeling vaguely deceived, as he seemed like "such a great guy" at the beginning. Every con artist has to be able to pull off the sweet, charming, lovable role. They can't appear skeezy, or else it will ruin the con. They sweep you off your feet. And then they turn into something else. Something undesirable. But they're so charming and magnetic that it takes you forever to realize that.
SEXY/EVIL
Think of Colin Farrell. Or Jude Law right after he was caught cheating. Or Demi Moore in Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle. Or Angelina Jolie in... anything. It's the idea that by being gorgeous, you can get away with murder. And sometimes, it's the touch of evil that makes them sexy in the first place. For example, I have a bit of a crush on the WWE wrestler "Edge", who plays a "bad guy" character. You're supposed to hate him. And I think that makes him particularly foxy. I suppose this is where the appeal of a dominatrix would lie.
CONFIDENT/COCKY
This is the one that I fall for the most. Confidence is hot. And something I don't have a ton of, so I admire it in others. The problem, of course, is over-confidence. Random acts of unmitigated ego. These guys talk about how cool they are until you believe them. And then you eventually come to terms with the fact that they're arrogant bastards. Think of Alex on Grey's Anatomy or Chuck Bass on Gossip Girl (although they both have a touch of Sexy/Evil to them as well... but you get the idea).
PASSIONATE/VIOLENT
Okay, so maybe violent is taking it too far. But at least volatile. Perhaps even emotionally abusive. I once lived with someone whom I'd throw into this category. She seemed... bipolar. She was a very passionate person, which I admired about her. But her highs were high, her lows were low, and although her passion was magnetizing, I eventually noticed that she seemed off-balance. And potentially dangerous.
MYSTERIOUS/MANIPULATIVE
If you ever think someone's mysterious, it's for one of three reasons. 1. You haven't tried hard enough. 2. They're painfully shy. 3. They're calculating every move they make. That's right. Mysterious people are manipulative as hell. They think it's alluring. And they're right. Makes you curious. And you feel this need to become the person who gets them to open up. They've got you exactly where they want you, and you have no idea that you're a marionette.
SENSITIVE/SPINELESS
This one usually fits with the stereotype of "The Nice Guy/Girl". I like to think of George in the first season of Grey's Anatomy (I only really watched the first season... so I don't know what he's like now... But at the time, he was really into Meredith). It's the guy who's the good friend of the lead girl, and I always think he's so sweet and wonder why she's ignoring the potential there. And then I think something wistfully, such as, "If it were me, I'D notice him. He's so wonderful!" But then one day I realized: I wouldn't. I fall for the confident, charming a**holes, the confident egomaniacs, and the sexy bad boys of the world. Mr. Nice Guy? Way less likely to toss my confetti. I mean sure, I like the nice part in theory, but I can't deal with the spineless part. I need a man who can make decisions, because I'm sure as heck not going to. And I don't want to be put on a pedestal; it just makes me uncomfortable. And, as much as I hate this about myself, there's always going to be a part of me who wants someone to protect me/take care of me/save me. And a sweet-yet-weak guy is hard to imagine in that role. Not that I haven't fallen for a guy like this... I have. More than once. But it just doesn't work out the way I want it to.
QUIRKY/CRAZY
Think of Natalie Portman's character in Garden State. I've never actually seen this movie (at least in part because I don't much care for Natalie Portman), but I know this is a good example. Why? Because of how many times I've been compared to the character. Yes, that's right. I'm in this bunch. Well, I'm a little bit of a couple other things as well, but I'm mostly here. My ex came up with this label, although he called it "Cute/Crazy" (actually, he thought I was "Sexy/Evil" before this one was invented, if you can believe that). But I'm pretty sure that's just because he thought quirky was cute. And he liked alliteration. Anyway. It's someone who seems silly and full of life, but is disguising a closet of emotional and psychological problems. There's always a reason for quirky. I'm just saying...
So, there you have it.
I'm Quirky/Crazy (and Mysterious/Manipulative... and Passionate/Violent...). And I fall for Confident/Cocky (and Charming/Asshole... and Sexy/Evil... and, in spite of my self, occasionally Sensitive/Spineless). And so far, none of these labels have worked out for me.
You know, I was recently trying to reevaluate what it is I want in a romantic relationship, and I realized that I'm sort of thinking the wrong way about things.
Do I want someone who I find to be funny?
Or do I really just want someone who will think that I'm funny?
Do I want someone smart?
Or do I just want someone who can keep up with me (and occasionally tell me how brilliant he thinks I am)?
Do I want a good writer?
Or do I just want someone who can recognize and appreciate good writing (and occasionally mistake my writing for the good stuff)?
Do I want someone to take care of me?
Or do I want someone I don't have to take care of?
Do I want someone handsome?
Or do I want someone who thinks I'm beautiful?
Do I want someone Charming? Sexy? Confident? Passionate? Mysterious? Sensitive? Quirky?
Or do I just want someone who is NOT a Con Artist? Evil? Cocky? Violent? Manipulative? Spineless? Crazy?
All good questions.
I just hope that I'll know him when I see him.
May you know what you want as well as what you don't.
~A~
P.S. I hope that all of you (yes, you... even the lurkers) will comment on this post. Please consider the following:
- Can you figure out which you come closest to?
- Can you figure out which you fall for the most?
- Are there personality lines that you can come up with that I've missed? (Because I'd love to add to my collection)
ETA: I've added a few new fine lines to my list at the suggestions of readers. They're still being developed... Once I get a good grip on them, I might do a follow up entry.
Fine Lines in the Nebula
- Experienced/Damaged
- Driven/Obsessed
- Outgoing/Obnoxious
- Hipster/Poseur
- Idealistic/Unrealistic
Thursday, January 24, 2008
The Fine Lines
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17 comments:
Skipping down to the smart question...that is a major reason that my boy of two years and I are taking a break right now. We are both in engineering, and yet he had no interest in what I've majored in, and has no interest in helping me understand what he does now that he's graduated. More than that, he never challenges me to learn more about something that I've wondered about. He's perfectly knowing what he knows about what he knows and has no desire to further educate himself. So, in trying to answer your question(s): you need both, and really, they go hand in hand. For someone to be smart and keep up with you at the same time, they need to be smart in the first place. Also, they need to be smart in something that you are not as smart in so that you can have teacher student aha! moments.
Everyone needs someone to match their personality. The guy that I'm taking a break with held me back, he made me feel boring. Which is a terrible thing to be.
I fall for the confident/cocky and overly sexual guys far too often. And I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I'm considered a precious commodity here (at Tech, P.S it's Colleen) so guys chase me. Fortunately, I've never attempted to date one of them. But that's also how I ended up with boring and content. Which is not enough for me.
On another note, I've fallen in love with A Fine Frenzy due to Almost Lover being on your playlist. So, thanks.
Definitely I'm quirky/crazy. And I fall for a combination of confidence/cocky and mysterious/manipulative. My current failed situation is a combination of both and it's frustrating to no end.
Also, I think there should be one along the lines of experienced/damaged. That's a bad way of describing it...but there are people who have some really wise input sometimes cuz they are so experienced, but they end up being extremely damaged or caught up in the problems that gave them so much wisdom. Or something like that...
My first boyfriend (you know him) was charming/con artist and confident/cocky. That's why, when he turned into passionate/violent, I stayed with him. That abusive relationship is why I now fall into the mysterious/manipulative category. Not so much mysterious, but definitely manipulative--I had to manipulate him into thinking that being nice to me was his idea, and a great one. The interesting thing is that when I am in manipulative mode now (which generally is some sort of dramatic performance like crying or being in an argument), my inner monologue is noticing how horribly manipulative I'm being--and congratulating me on my excellent performance. This might also put me in the quirky/crazy category.
What I wonder sometimes is whether I was always this way, or if times when I've been screwed by people made me adopt these parts of my personality as coping mechanisms.
When I was a kid I told lies. Maybe not direct lies, but I made things up and told them to people as if they were true. So maybe I've always been mysterious/manipulative.
I'm not sure I should even post this, but what the heck.
Hello there. :)
Starting with me... I guess I'd probably fall into the quirky/crazy category. Mostly because I feel all angsty about getting slapped into a category.
As for any you missed? I was thinking about something like Driven/Obsessed. I think this needs more thought. And I'm tired.
I like what Colleen said above about needing both. You probably want someone who rides on both sides of those lines. Again. Needs more thought, I think.
Kudos to Heidi. ;) Wish I had something better to say. Maybe I'll return in a couple days...
P.S. Did this really come out on Tuesday? Or is bloody Blogger blatantly attempting to deceive us?
Hm. Huh. This theory is bookmark-worthy.
And as such, I'm going to take a stab at guessing what I am:
-mysterious/manipulative (most prominently. i play dumb a lot. a lot.)
-sensitive/spineless (or maybe just spineless)
-quirky/crazy (there are definitely some screws loose up here)
And interestingly, I only fall for people of the same camp; and I have a pretty good radar for this.
I'm also with theedeeter on the experienced/damaged idea - but to keep with the alliteration? I don't know very many synonyms for these words.
I think almost everyone can fall into the category of Mysterious/Manipulative. I know I've created several different personas for myself depending on the situation. There's my acting persona that I use when Im in a show (cocky/confident), my work personality (charming/con-artist), my love personality (mysterious/manipulative), my friend personality (sexy/evil), and of course - my real personality (sensitive/spineless).
So I think the Manipulative/Mysterious wins out in the end because I've built my life up to be a series of lies. Which explains why I enjoy acting so much, come to think of it.
Interesting views I must say. Despite a rather depressive nature (notice how you turn all the good into bad here? Never the other way around).
But, for the most part - I think it's very true.
I'm thinking I would fall in to the Sensitive/Spineless, Quirky/Crazy and sometimes even the Passionate/Violent category... though that violence would never ever result in me hitting a woman.
I fall for women who are the same as me... I think. So, I'm pretty much ignoring the Opposites Attract theory. Maybe that's what I'm doing wrong?
Very interesting theories! Can I use them in a future classroom to analyze literature/life? Seriously!? This has (good!) high school English written all over it!
To Anonymous (Colleen) - I think you're right about the smart balance. I just meant that I used to think I wanted someone smarter than me... but I really want someone who's my intellectual equal. If you like Almost Lover, you should really check out her songs "You Picked Me" and "Rangers". I'll try to add them to my playlist for you.
To theedeeter - Yeah, you seem Quirky/Crazy to me. I love the idea of Experienced/Damaged, and I'm surely adding it to my collection. I've never actually dealt with one of those in a relationship setting, which is why I hadn't flagged it myself, but I certainly understand the appeal and the complications. Baggage is rough.
To Heidi - Wow. You really span the gamut. Glad you posted all of that. I enjoyed it.
To Ricky - I'd call you Quirky/Crazy as well. I like Driven/Obsessed... But you're right, it needs some development. I'll add it to my list. And you're right, this was published Thursday. Blogger just date-stamps with whatever day you begin typing, and I wrote myself a couple of notes on Tuesday. So there you are.
To Nico - I'm honored that you'd call this bookmark-worthy. Thank you. The alliteration isn't really all that important to me. It sort of happened by accident (and Passionate/Violent and Sexy/Evil don't fit anyway). It's interesting that you fall for people in the same categories as you. I don't, but I suppose that's because I recognize and reject my own weaknesses.
To Stranger Danger - I disagree that nearly everyone is Mysterious/Manipulative. I run into far more Charming/Con Artist and Confident/Cocky people than that.
To R.E.H. - Yes, it is a bit negative in presentation... But it's not really intended to be. I think it's important to recognize what's lurking beneath the surface, but know what things you're willing to put up with...
To Amy - Of course, darling! By all means feel free to develop these. They're yours if you want them.
Okay so what I am...
mostly I'm probably quirky/crazy, but in some parts of my life I'm sensitive/spineless(and I've been feeling like I've been being that a lot lately, and I hate it, but just can't change it right now). And sometimes I'm mysterious/manipulative.
And if I may suggest another category, (of which I am most certainly a member), I think there also exists one along the lines of driven/heart-attack-candidate(because I couldn't think of a word to accurately describe such a level of stress and worry). But maybe that sort of works in the passionate/violent category in a way, so put me in there too.
As for what I fall for... maybe a bit of the charming/con-artist and the sexy/evil, the confident/cocky and even the passionate/violent. But also something like unique/tool and outgoing/obnoxious.
To Julia - I'm going to work on this Driven one. You suggested Heart-Attack-Candidate, and someone else suggested "Obsessed" as the negative side... I'm going to sleep on that for a few nights. I love the idea of Outgoing/Obnoxious. I added it to my list. As for Unique/Tool, I think I need a little more information on that one. I don't have a good handle on it yet.
I think that obsessed would fit the driven thing quite well, at least from a personal standpoint. Just my two cents worth.
as for unique/tool, this one is inspired by a specific person who I once fell for, who seemed really interesting and unique.
Seemed well read, didn't watch tv, listened to jazz, and just generally was that kid that seemed to be so far from the typical boring high school guy. But, in time I came to see that he was just a rich kid trying to act all different as he drank indie tea he didn't like the taste of and carried around books that he never even read.
but I guess he could sort of fit into the quirky/crazy category, so I suppose making another category was kind of redundant on my part.
To Julia - Alright, doll, I see what you mean... Now having a better picture, I'd be inclined to name that Hipster/Poseur... But I'm not sure the Hipster half of it is right... I'll work on it.
Hi Angela,
I found you via Big Time Fancy. I think you're really on to something (I spend inordinate amounts of time thinking about stuff like this too), and I also think you and I might be the same person, ha.
The questions you posed are really astute. How much of what we are looking for is really about finding certain qualities in another person, and how much is about finding someone who is complementary to/somehow reflective of our own personality? I spent much of the last 36 hours pondering this very question. Glad to see others ruminate too!
To Ultima Dea - Always nice to hear when people connect to my theories. Thanks for dropping by!
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I wanted to thank you for this great read!! I definitely enjoying every little bit of it I have you bookmarked to check out new stuff you post
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