Strength, Spirit, & Self-Esteem

Guess what I found?

Exactly what I was looking for.

I just had my "Come to Jesus" moment.

The world has flipped.

Are you ready?

I'M A GOOD ACTOR!

No, f*** that. I'm a f***ing great actor. And I'm going to get into grad school. I'm going to go in there and knock their socks off. I can feel it. I know it with every fiber of my being. God I feel great. I hope this feeling lasts.

I went to a coaching session with Susan (my Shakespeare coach) and Jeffrey last night, and four other "students" were there as well. I actually got there like half an hour late because I went to the wrong place, but anyway. I did the same Shakespeare monologue that I've been working on since November: The Princess of France in Act V of Love's Labours Lost. And it's like tonight it finally worked exactly the way it was supposed to.

I truly believe that everything happened for a reason.

I lost my voice for a REASON! It was because I was forced to not recite that monologue for a week. I ran through it in my head. I did runs of the thought process silently. And I found her. I connected to her in a way that makes her real. I found moments where I became her. And then I was able to put them all together.

And most importantly, I let her go. If I hadn't lost my voice, I would've kept doing what I was doing. I wouldn't have rediscovered her. But instead, I found something that worked.

It worked really well. So well. Jeffrey and Susan asked what I'd done to change her (as they hadn't seen the piece since the end of November). They said that I found a great balance. I stopped being too formal and too timid, as I thought a princess should be. After all, you can't "play the princess". Every other person in the room has to play that you're the princess.

You know what else happened for a reason? This f***ing cough. Because of it, I've been staying in the lower register of my voice. My Kathleen Turner voice (when I told Jeffrey that, he started telling a story about when Kathleen Turner saw him on Broadway in Taboo. He's awesome, FYI.) And that was EXACTLY what the princess was missing. That low, firm resonance to prove that she's in control. She's regal. She's a lot more mature than the silly King of Navarro that she's dealing with..

Thank you, Lord.

It worked so well that they actually requested to see what my non-Shakespeare monologue was that I'd be using at auditions (which is something I never predicted that Susan would do). I was hesitant for a couple of reasons. First, that I was wasting time in this workshop. Second, that it might be really bad (as I haven't had an audience for it yet... I've been playing with it on my own). But I had such an emotional high going into it, thanks to the last monologue working...

And I found HER, too! I got braver with my modern piece. I dropped to my knees and really explored the physicality of it. And they were all laughing their heads off and cheered hysterically when it was over.

I've been working with Susan since July 2006. And I first worked with Jeffrey around February. And they said that last night was the best work they've ever seen me do (and I've brought Susan near to tears before).

So this is why I believe that I can do it. Because they believe in me.

And now I know I can. I know that I've found these women. I know that they live inside me. And I know that I can bring them back to the surface when I need them.

For the first time, I'm not worried about begging grad schools to accept me. I know that they'll be begging me to go there.

I came so close last time. And you know what? I'm BETTER this time. I can't believe that this didn't occur to me before. I've IMPROVED from then. I have a résumé with professional shows on it! I'm older now, and therefore more valuable to the programs! Things can only get better, not worse. And I need to stop freaking out (please remind me of that in a week when I start freaking out again).

I finally found my strength, my spirit, and my self-esteem. And it feels great.

Look out, world. Here comes Angela!


May you learn that all the strength you need comes from within.

~A~