A Year's Progress

So last year in my post Unresolved, I discussed my resolutions for 2008. Here's how I did...


- Make a conscious effort to call my brothers more often.
Yeah, so I sucked at this. And I did better with one brother than the other. Maybe I should make this resolution again for 2009?
FAIL


- Be more physically active.
I did this for awhile, actually. When I was living in Chicago, I started walking more, and I took 14 flights of stairs in my skyscraper office at least once a day up-and-down (sometimes 2 or 3 times). Being active has been harder in Florida, but I do have to jump rope for 5 minutes a day when I have movement class. So am I amazingly active? No. But am I more active than I was in 2007? Yes.
WIN


- Learn to accept compliments with more grace.
This is definitely the thing I've done best with. Just ask Brian. I can accept compliments like a pro these days. You should have seen me at my Assessment. I handled the praise really well.
WIN


- - Memorize the correct spellings of excersize, maitenance (maintainence), and immeadiately.
I just gave myself a spelling test. I got "exercise", "maintenance", "immediately", "pursue", "separate", and "desperate" correct! But it took me 4 tries to spell "corduroy" correctly (my first three guesses were courderoy, corderoy, and courduroy). But 6/7 is pretty darn good! I've really focused on those first three, and I nailed 'em.
WIN


- Finish my NaNoWriMo novel.
I'm really disappointed that I haven't been able to do this. I'm sure some of my readers are as well... But I just couldn't. I have other priorities.
FAIL


- Figure out what I want to do with my life.
I want to be an actor. I don't just want it; I feel it. I need it. It's not a choice; it's the ONLY choice.

And yes, I still think I'm going to hate the business part of it, but my need to be an artist is going to drown that out.

Since I've gotten to grad school, I've realized just how important this is to me. I'm willing to sacrifice financial security. I'm willing to sacrifice weekends. I'm going to sacrifice having a family. I'm willing to sacrifice love.

I'm not just acting for me anymore. I'm acting because it's my civil service. I'm truly acting because I'm trying to change the world.

WIN -- A thousand times win.


Final score:
WIN 4, FAIL 2.



May you learn what's important to you.

~A~

Present Perfect

(Me with my good friend Stephen in Times Square, in front of the marquee for the Broadway show he is currently appearing in.)


Last week I was driving home from the theatre, and "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas" started playing on the radio. And as I looked at the palm-tree-lined streets, the sunshine, and the A/C setting on my car, I chuckled to myself. At first I thought, "Shouldn't the radio station know better than to play that here?" But a moment later I realized that this is indeed what Christmas looks like. Christmas in Florida looks a lot different from the Christmases I'm used to, but that doesn't mean it's incorrect.

I hopped a plane to Atlanta, and then a second plane to Connecticut. On the latter flight, I actually had the remarkably good fortune of being in "A" (the window seat) with no one in "B" or "C". I decided that this must have been providence, as surely the odds of that sort of thing happening -- especially near a holiday -- must be insane. At one point I sat in the middle seat and stretched my arms out to either side, just because I could. I spent a good portion of the flight length-wise on the seats in "The Child's Pose" that I've been doing as a rest position in Voice class. I'm sure the flight attendants thought I was a loon, but no one said anything to me about it. And I must say, it was incredibly restful. Mission accomplished.

Connecticut is where my family has settled, but it still doesn't feel like home. That said, it's not as painful being here as it was last year (see last year's post, Not Quite Merry and Bright, and the subsequent post of I'll Be Fine and Dandy).

The highlight of the trip was that I got the gift I really, really wanted. The perfect present, in fact. I went to New York and was able to see my friend Stephen in his first Broadway show. Really, what could be better than that?

My parents ended up winning the ticket lottery an hour before the performance, and got discounted seats in the front row, so we all got to see Stephen in it. The show was great. Stephen is a phenomenal dancer, and seeing him up there was unreal. He took us backstage after the show (including into the star dressing room that has been used by the likes of Julie Andrews, Sutton Foster, Tyne Daly, Bernadette Peters, and Reba McEntire). Pretty freaking awesome.

(Stephen's name is totally on it!)

While I was in town, I also saw the Rockefeller tree, ate a pretty amazing chocolate chip cookie, drank hot chocolate that was so thick that it had similarities to pudding, and briefly saw my dear friend Annie in an Urban Outfitters.

(Annie and me. I so wish I looked better in this picture, but oh well.)

We made cinnamon rolls. We made truffles. We played Apples-to-Apples (I played "Helen Keller" on "Visionary"). And my mom and I watched the movie Mamma Mia! on the "Sing-Along" setting. Good times.

The presents I got people ended up going over pretty well (except for one DVD I bought my brother that he already had... but I think that's really just proof that I was on the right track). So I guess my worries were unfounded.

And now? I'm ready to go home. Back to Florida. Back to the 70-degree weather that doesn't make sense in December. It turns out, I kinda like it there... even though it really doesn't look like Christmas.


May you end up somewhere that you like being.

~A~

P.S. Yes, I know that titling this post "Present Perfect" is just as brilliant as titling the other one "Present Tense", and I'm so glad that you noticed just how fabulous I am for coming up with that.

Present Tense

(Me looking awkward at a Bad Sweater Party with D-Train and Moby.)


Every year around this time, I find myself rushing to come up with brilliant gifts for everyone in my family. I hustle and bustle, trying to determine what might light up their faces when they unwrap the surprises. And nearly every year, I fail.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen. I have a reputation for giving lame presents.

Usually, one of my brothers will email the rest of the family asking for Christmas wish lists. And I oblige. So dutiful am I, in fact, that I make things easy on my family members by providing links to places where they can see (or buy) these things online.

And I request similar lists. But it's rare that I get any in return. I can't fault my brothers on this, as I know they've been in Finals season. And my parents always throw out some dull overused answer about not wanting anything other than for their children to succeed... Blah, blah, blah.

So I head to stores and end up with two arms full of my best guesses. I take them home, wrap them, and pray.

A couple of years ago I actually forewarned my family that the theme of my gifts that year was, "I thought maybe you wouldn't hate it."

This year, I sent them the following message along with my ideas list:
NOTE: I expect similar lists in return. After all, the greatest gift you can give to me is making my shopping easier. If you do not send me a list, I will be forced to buy you a miniature palm tree from the airport (which SOUNDS cute, but do you really want to try to keep a palm tree alive in your climate? And it might be a hassle bringing four of them on the plane in my carry-on... You don't want me to have to do that, do you?)

That didn't scare them.

Eventually one of my brothers sent me a fragmented list:
- Wired Magazine (he included this link, which was pretty thoughtful)
- Synsepalum dulcificum, aka “miracle fruit”
- Coffee things for his awesome coffee maker

Perhaps now you see why he's hard to buy for.

The other brother has given me no hints. Neither have my parents. So it looks like it'll be three miniature palm trees for them.

Okay, that's not true. Brother #1 had an idea for Brother #2 which I think I'll use... if I can find the darn thing anywhere. And I have something that I know my mom will love...

My dad is tricky, because my mother has basically forbidden us from buying him all the things we know he likes. She put a moratorium on his CD and sheet music buying a couple of years ago. She keeps putting him (and herself) on the South Beach Diet, so unhealthy food (like chocolate) is pretty much out. She says no to magazine and newspaper subscriptions, as she thinks they just clutter the house. I really have no idea what to get him. I hope it doesn't suck.

I have gifts in the works for my roommates, which I'm nervous about. I think they're awesome, which, given my history, could spell disaster. Particularly because I've decided to go with clothing items. Matching clothing items. (Wow... this idea sounds so much worse now that I'm typing it out...) I stalked their closets to try to gauge their sizes, and I not-so-stealthily discovered their favorite colors. *fingers crossed*

I just get so tense about these things. I love the people in my life so much, and I want to give them presents that are worthy of how great they are. Maybe I try too hard? Or maybe I just really don't know them as well as I think I do.

Gah! And then I get this anxiety about, "what if the present I get them isn't as good/thoughtful/funny/expensive as the one they got me?" It's so much pressure!

Anyway. I've had stress stomachaches the last three days in a row. I think they have a little to do with being nervous with my understudy assignments. And they have a little to do with being freaked out that my doctor's appointment had to be rescheduled (because my doctor's father died). And they have a little to do with being really tense over the concept of gift-giving in general.

Next year, I'm asking everyone to give me the gift of not having to exchange presents at all.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Okay, I never thought I'd do this kind of a post, but it seems an appropriate way to continue this subject. These are some of the things that I desperately want:

- A friend of mine from high school (my senior homecoming date, and the Mr. Webb to my Mrs. Webb... Mr. Stephen Carrasco) is currently in his Broadway debut (in the ensemble of Irving Berlin's White Christmas). I asked my parents for a ticket to go see him. The tickets are expensive, but that's what I want more than anything else. *fingers crossed*

- Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog on DVD (which includes "Commentary: the Musical"... I'm pretty sure it's going to be the best thing since... ever.)

- Clone High on DVD. (This show didn't air for even a full season, but I illegally downloaded the episodes at one point, and it's EASILY the funniest animated series I've ever seen. Stupendous.)

- Protagonist necklace by Lioness Den Jewelry (because sometimes I need a reminder that I should be the Leading Lady in my own life!)

- Things I've Learned from Women Who've Dumped Me compiled by Ben Karlin (I went to a promotional reading from this book at the Lakeshore Theatre when I lived in Chicago, and it seemed both hilarious and poignant.)

- Fourth Comings by Megan McCafferty (I don't understand why high schoolers are all obsessed with Twilight instead of Sloppy Firsts. This is the 4th book in the S.F. series. The first three rocked my world and are easily some of my favorite books to date.)

- Smile Necklace by Charlie's (Because I think it's delightful... I also like this shop's Cherry Pendant)

- Vintage 1889 Drama Comedy Tragedy Theater Actress Actor Pendant by oliviamoon (I'm an actor, remember?)

- Rainy Days n Monday...charm necklace by Arete (Monday is the dark day for theatre, and it has always been my favorite day of the week. And I love rain. For most people, these are things to avoid... but for me, they're wonderful signs of hope and new beginnings.)



And because I'm on an Etsy kick, here are some more things that I DIDN'T put on my list... but that I totally should have. Because I want to buy them all and have no money to do so.

- Be Nice Or I'll Poison Your Food Apron by Rainbow Swirlz

- Hoodie Heart Desire Dress by Posh Panache

- PRINT - I Wanted To See You by johnclark (I love John Clark's work, and I'm particularly drawn to this print. Is it my imagination, or does this chick bear a resemblance to yours truly?) -- I also like PRINT - I Cannot Explain

- Sterling Silver and Pewter Smile Camera Charm Necklace by Hoolala (I do have a great love for taking pictures) I also love the things that say "Darling You Are Boring Me"

- I Love Yous Women's T-Shirt by Mama Sass Designs

- Shannon Leigh, I still believe in God, Poetry Necklace by Lioness Den Jewelry (There's a sad story attached to this, which you can read in the listing. All profits contributed to the late Shannon Leigh's family.)

- Just Like a Star in the Sky Necklace by Barbara's Beads (The ONLY reason I have not purchased this is because it looks like my two favorite necklaces got together and had a baby. I have one that's just a star, and one that's all the other beads. I feel like I don't need to own all three... But I love it!)

- Black and White Houndstooth Hoodie by youmeyou (It turns out hoodies CAN be sexy.)

- Glamorous Personality - Vintage Ad Soldered Glass Pocket/Purse Mirror by 2Dy4 (I NEED a new purse mirror... But am I glamorous enough for this one?)

- Handwired tree pendant Necklace - Peridot/Gold by sammi84 (TREE!!!)

- beret12 by dadaya (Because the red & white mushrooms remind me of German storybooks that my grandmother used to read with me when I was a kid)

- Ivory Voluminous Flower felt brooch by soleil girl (Because I like pretty things)

- Sea Urchin Ring by Kitchen Table Studios (It's so crazy!)


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

May you not get too tense over presents.

~A~


P.S. Yes, the title of this post was effing brill. Thank you for your applause and appreciation.

Me. Singing.

We had our Musical Theatre Showing on Saturday morning, and I was scared out of my mind.

Usually when I have to perform a song by myself I end up breaking out into hives, or vomiting, or crying hysterically.

But I didn't. And I'm proud of that.

So yes, I totally rush ahead of the accompaniment at a couple of spots. And yes, I'm flat in a couple of spots. And yes, my body does really awkward and horrible things that I regret in more than just a couple of spots.

But I'm proud of this, damn it.



~A~


P.S.
"People may say I can't sing, but no one can ever say I didn't sing."
~ Florence Foster Jenkins

Baby's First Assessment

I had my first assessment Thursday. Which means that I sat in a room with my Acting Professor, my Analysis Professor (who is the head of the program), my Voice Professor, my Movement Professor, my Tech supervisor, and the 2nd-year Acting Professor, while they all told me how they thought I did this semester. They each read aloud from their (long) written statements, and gave me copies to keep when it was over.

I was nervous going in. I'd heard that these often end in tears (and that tissues are provided). I'd heard that they just tell you everything you're doing wrong. I've also heard that it's when you find out if you're being put on probation or asked to leave the program. And while I really shouldn't have had reason to worry about these things, I'm the kind of person who feels the need to worry anyway.

But I needn't have worried. Here's some of what they had to say... (those written copies are totally handy... I put my favorites in bold)




"The MFA Review panel identified the following as areas of strength: Persistence, and focused work. Excellent growth."

On "What the actor's physical instrument is, in physiological and artistic terms":
"Angela understands this very clearly and connects all assignments and exercises directly to acting work."

"She is very, very flexible"

"Angela has a vivid imagination and found 'meditation for actors' and 'dropping into coherence' easy by using visual and breath techniques."

"She handled the large class well."

"Range of motion and flexibility are very wide."

On "Identify what an acting impulse is, in physiological and artistic terms, and explore and amplify those impulses in Movement Class and Acting Class, with expressive and artistic purpose":
"Angela does this well."

"All Viewpoints work was free and connected to the ensemble."

"Angela is that rare actor who truly enjoys receiving notes and jumping in to implement them immediately."

"In the morning etude session she took adjustments and applied them immediately."

"Angela's self-evaluation was accurate."

"She is an excellent member of the ensemble."

"Angela has had a very good semester."

"Very good work."

"Your destructuring is progressing beautifully in all positions. More and more you are able to stay in the positions longer without fear."

"Very good rib swing. Excellent vocal support."

"You are working extremely well in voice class, and have made excellent progress this semester. You come into class prepared, and ready to work, and positive."

"In Acting Class, your application of skills from Voice Class shows important progress: your application of Standard American Speech to your acting work is very good. During the Acting I Showing, you succeeded in staying on-voice, and sending and landing consistently."

"You have always taken voice adjustments/notes, both in Voice Class and in Acting Class, with a view toward improving, and very professionally. Excellent. Keep it up!"

"Angela, a very good semester!"

"Throughout the course, you successfully rose to every occasion, including the ultimate test of staying on top of your inner-technique practice, insuring a consistent quality of work in text etudes."

"...one of the most reliable partners in your ensemble, capable of not only taking care of your own creative life onstage, but inspiring a partner to follow suit and live creatively."

"Moreover, I am convinced that you are capable of becoming one of the leaders of the ensemble, if you continue transforming your point of view on yourself as a creative artist. I observed this tendency toward artistic maturity in you throughout the final weeks of the semester, and I want to encourage it."

"Your memory of physical actions test exercise was among the strongest in the class."

"It is this very work that placed you at the top of your ensemble."

"Take advantage of the strong sensory imagination you possess."

"You are now able to build a true communion with a partner onstage and act truthfully and spontaneously within imaginary circumstances."

"...a responsive, spontaneous, and imaginative stage partner."

"...you've made some enormous strides."

"Oral presentations are always good and well prepared, and you are always ready to tackle any play that we examine in class."

"In the last few weeks, you've demonstrated a real understanding of the principles at hand and an ability to apply them to a given text, almost in spite of yourself!"

"You are now reading a play as a dramatic text, with a good understanding of authorial intention and a good sense for the subtleties of dramatic writing."

"As the semester went along, you felt more comfortable guiding class discussions. Please make sure you continue to do this -- when you do, you bring all of us to a much clearer reading of the material at hand. The class benefits from your analysis as much as you do."



Seriously, I'm hard-pressed to think of another day in my life when I've gotten so many compliments.

I'm sorry for being braggadocious, but I feel like I can't tell any of my classmates that I received such a positive review. Mostly because I don't know what sorts of reviews they got (although I get the feeling that many were not quite as overwhelmingly positive as mine). I sort of have to keep it to myself... So I'm sharing it all here.

And you know what? I'm freaking proud.



Of course, they gave me some things to work on over break (mostly my Movement Professor, as my body is mysteriously TOO loose -- the opposite of the problem that most people have).

- "She needs to amplify her understanding with hard facts about body mechanics. I suggest she get the Anatomy Coloring Book and do the skeleton with colors, and take a look at the muscles and their uses." (That's right... I'm in graduate school, and my homework is COLORING.)

- "Continuing to work on form and alignment in any stretch will help to protect her joints and back."

- On my flexibility: "...this needs addressing constantly for good use of body; in life, and for elegance and precise control onstage."

- "Her release work was hampered by one of the few tight muscle groups in her body: her inner thighs."

- "Angela needs to work on form, control, and precision of her movement in space."

- "Holding patterns present are in: head, shoulders, and knees."

- "She could now begin to play with a more subtle response to impulse. Everything has a tendency to be large in scale. This is good and appropriate for first semester in acting. In movement next semester she can work on the small shape, the smaller but still accurate and expressive response, through the movement monologue work and 'little bears'." (No, I don't know what "little bears" is.)

- "[Applying alignment work] is a challenge for Angela. Her body is impulsive, but her sensory awareness gives her too much -- or faulty -- information at times. Our job together is to figure out how to edit out unnecessary information and to figure out exactly how she can self-direct into neutrality. She should do the 'daily dozen' every day and work on her neutral walk every day. She can call me for a brief tutorial over break to check up on accuracy."

- "A slight pause between rib swing and sending, which needs to be deleted; as you become more proficient with supporting your voice you should find more flow. This will help to allow your vocal support to have ease, and in moving directly from open-the-mouth to open-the-rib to engaging-the-support-haaaaaa, without any pause."

- "Keep developing psychophysical awareness of your everyday-life actions and sensations. You sensory-type imagination will help you in this work; don't think it inferior to any other type of imagination, such as visual or auditory. Feed and nurture your physical memory and imagination; it is responsible for many of your heightened emotional stage moments."

- "Continue mastering 'the psychology of an improvising actor'."

- "As you acquire a habit for observing life and people around you and using these observations as a basis for inner characterization, trust your intuition and allow intangible things to lead you in your work over the winter break."


I know that seems like a lot, but it really isn't too bad. And all the things I need to work on were said in a positive way. And frankly, I knew that I needed to work on them.

I'm pleased as punch.


After the professors all read their statements, the head of the program said what the PROGRAM thinks of me (as opposed to individual professors). He said that I'm clearly growing, clearly working hard, and clearly talented. He said they're all excited to continue working with me, and congratulated me on such a successful first semester.

Is it wrong to want to frame my evaluations? Because I kinda do...


May you know how far you've come.

~A~


P.S. I also may have discovered my "type", if I have one. My Movement Professor says that I'm "destined to do comedies". She says I'm very funny, and that "people want to laugh" at me. We'll see if that holds true!

Flying Close to the Sun

A week ago, I could fly.

At least, that's how I felt. Like I could do anything. I had no limitations.

That's how good things have were going with grad school. That good.

I look at acting in a completely different way than I did when I got here. I've found a new level of connection, honesty, and focus on stage. And I'm incredibly proud of myself.

I met with my Acting Professor last Thursday, and he gave me nothing but encouragement. Nothing but positive comments. He said that I was using the techniques properly, and that I was helping my scene partners to do the same. He said, "Truth is contagious."

After our Acting Showing (which is somewhere between an Open Class and a Performance), people kept coming up to me and telling me I did a great job, and I felt like I had. The 2nd-Year Acting professor came up to me and said, "I like you" (which I understand to be a good thing). The head of the program said, "Really great work, Angela. Everyone, really. But particularly you." And one of the program's donors (not one of my sponsors) invited me and four of my classmates to dinner (I've heard that this donor doesn't hide the fact that she has favorites).

In our Acting class on Friday, we spent about 2 hours just talking about our (1-hour) showing. And my professor held up the two scenes I was in multiple times as examples of great work. And he said that audience members probably left the room thinking I was a "cunning actress" (of course, this was in the midst of a larger statement about how they misunderstand our technique, but I'm still hoarding it as a compliment).

Of course, none of you out in internet-land knew any of this, because I decided to post something from my drafts folder instead of a new post. I guess I kind of assumed the good stuff would continue and I'd post a happier post at a later date.

But then things left the happy place for awhile.

On Saturday, I was at an understudy rehearsal next to one of my classmates, The Pro. He started telling me that he and four other classmates (whom he referred to as "the fab five") were all thinking of dropping out of the program.

*bombshell*

I don't understand. I really don't. I thought everything was going so well. We were finally coming together as a class. We were doing great work. And they want to leave???

To be fair... Two people in my class were probably too young (emotionally, at least) to come to grad school. One person is clearly in the wrong program (he chose this one because it was the only one he got into that was free). One person REALLY needs therapy. And The Pro? Well, grad school in Acting probably wasn't the right decision for him. He's a song and dance man, and was getting consistent work in national tours of musicals. (He actually almost left the program in September to be in the national tour of Legally Blonde: The Musical.)

I was shaken. I've been in class with 11 people all semester, and suddenly 5 might be leaving.

The Pro didn't show up to our musical theatre workshop the next day (which he'd been looking forward to all semester, for obvious reasons), and I knew that he was gone.

I sent him a text, and got a weird response. I ran out of the workshop on our first break to call him, and left a voicemail.

My social anxiety started in a major way. There were way too many people in that room (in reality, there were only 23). It was too loud. There was too much input. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I just had to get out of there.

So I ran out of the building when it was over. And I got in my car. And I just kept driving, and driving. And crying. And talking to myself. I was headed south. I didn't have anything to do on Monday until the evening (when I had to go to dinner with that donor), so I decided that if I had to, I'd drive all the way to Miami and just stay at a hotel for the night.

I started trying to work out why I was so upset about everything. I realized that part of it was the uncertainty. I'm great at talking myself into things. If I KNEW they were leaving, I could talk myself into thinking our ensemble would benefit from that. But I can't switch over to that opinion yet, in case they stay. If I KNEW they were staying, I'd convince myself that we're all in this together, and that we need every person to stay afloat. But I can't do that in case one of them leaves.

Digging deeper, I realized that I take them leaving as a personal failure. Like I haven't been open enough, caring enough, helpful enough. And maybe, on some level, I think they're leaving because they don't like me enough. I know that's irrational, but I do feel a sense of abandonment. And I need to acknowledge that emotion.

I ended up in a town I'd never heard of, and I got a call from Two-Shots-Up asking me if I was going to karaoke. I decided to turn the car around and meet her there.

I somehow got to the bar before she did. I sat in the back corner alone, wearing a hoodie and no makeup, and clearly in a bad mood. And guys kept coming up and trying to hit on me. I wanted to scream, "Excuse me, do I LOOK like I came here to get picked up?!"

Eventually Two-Shots-Up got there. She's one of the people who is thinking of leaving. We got into a heavy discussion (not really an argument, but close), and she left about 15 minutes after she got there. I got up to the mic after she left, belted a good angry song ("The Wreckoning", by Boomkat), and left to drive around some more.

I got home at 2:30am, and then cried hysterically to my roommate for awhile. She convinced me that they're not all going to leave just because The Pro did. And I believe her.

I broke down in tears when it was my turn to go in the Musical Theatre workshop. Mostly because I still haven't fully gotten over my fear of singing. But I think I was also releasing some of the other emotions I've had this week.

The Pro wrote me an email saying that he's officially leaving the program, and thanking me for my support. Hopefully I'll see him again before he moves.

Maybe I was flying too high. Maybe I got too confident. Maybe I ignored all the things I didn't want to see. Maybe I got too close to the sun. Maybe that's why I crashed so hard when people around me started spontaneously combusting.

I'm being dramatic. Only one person is gone. I'm still waiting to see what the others will do.

Despite all this, I need to look at the bright things. I need to keep looking at all the progress I've made, and see that the path ahead is sunny. I need to remember that just because things are changing, doesn't mean they're going bad. And I need to remember that I'm here for me. I'm here to make sure that I become the kind of actor that I want to be. And I need to do that regardless of who else is around.



May you watch where you're going.

~A~


P.S. In my mind, I have redubbed the people considering leaving as "The Flaky Four". The rest of us? "The Solid Six".
(ETA: This labeling is in response to The Pro calling people "The Fab Five"... it's not because I would mentally label people on my own.)

Progression/Regression

Remember when I wrote my Grad School Resolutions? Well, now that I'm a semester in, I thought I'd check on my progress...


Resolutions for Grad School:

1. Take studying SERIOUSLY.
Studying here is WAY different than studying in undergrad was. For the most part, it doesn't exist. My homework assignments have to do with stretching, and my tests involve breathing and saying words. In some ways, it's a lot harder, because you can't rush through things (something that I would otherwise be likely to do). But I have been taking things seriously and doing my work. Except for tremoring every night at home. I don't. Because if I did, I think my body would be in a perpetual state of spasm (like I said, my homework is weird).
WIN

2. Finish homework, papers, reading assignments, etc. as quickly and efficiently as possible.
Heh. I think we all knew that this wasn't going to happen. I'm a born procrastinator. And I've successfully written all my papers within two days of their due dates. But you know what? They were all turned in on time. And they were all decent papers and assignments. So I'm just going to pat myself on the back for doing successful procrastination, and call it a day.
FAIL

3. Do not add negativity into the world of the school.
I won't say that I've been completely successful in this. What I will say, is that I am FAR more successful than most of my classmates. I go to school with some pretty negative people. And I am not one of them. So I count a win.
WIN

4. Be open-minded and willing to try all exercises in class, no matter how lame they seem or how stupid I might look doing them.
I am. And I do.
WIN

5. Do not gossip behind people’s backs.
This is just straight up impossible. But I think about it less as gossip, and more as venting. Or raising concerns. I don't talk about petty stuff. I talk about things like, "so-and-so is thinking of dropping out of the program," and "that guy was monopolizing class time with his agenda." I'm going to call it a different thing...
FAIL

6. Try not to dance during class. (Except for movement class, because I think we’re supposed to dance there sometimes. I just don't want my professors to think of me as "the one who dances in the middle of discussions.")
I only danced between classes. And sometimes in Movement class. I put it in the past tense because it seemed to make a couple of my classmates uncomfortable, so I've stopped (which, to be honest, I think had a negative effect on my mental health).
WIN

7. Remember that we all made it through an arduous process to get here, and we are all clearly talented, intelligent people. They deserve to be here, and so do I.
It wasn't always easy to remember this, but I tried to remind myself of it frequently.
WIN

8. Don’t let politics within the school get personal. Just because something is going on in class or in rehearsals, doesn’t mean it has to carry over into the rest of life.
We won't really get into politics until we start being cast in things. But some of my classmates are not successful in not letting classwork enter the personal realm. I'm pretty good at it, most of the time.
WIN

9. Try to make friends outside of the program.
WAY harder than it sounds. Aside from a couple of regulars at karaoke, I've failed. (by the way, The Engineer hasn't called me since before Thanksgiving. I left him a message a week ago which he never responded to. Oh well.)
FAIL

10. Go out and have fun at least once a month.
Month? Please. I have to do something at least once a week just to maintain my sanity. Which is exactly what karaoke is for.
WIN

11. Try to stay a vegetarian until at least the first week of November (which will have been a year... I've saved plenty of animals, and I want to eat meat so badly I can't even tell you).
SCORE! I rocked this one. And now that it's over, I'm like 18 kinds of happier.
WIN

12. Actually read all of the assigned reading. Don’t just skim it. Occasionally take notes.
We're allowed (nay; encouraged) to "read artistically" for some of our classes (no, I'm not kidding... those were my professor's exact words). I'm behind in my Acting reading, but it's not a huge deal. And I never read the final act of Anna Christie (but we only spent one day talking about it, so it didn't really matter... Maybe I'll read it over the summer.)
FAIL

13. Budget properly. If having trouble, begin writing down all expenditures.
I'm doing fine now. It was a battle at first because of how little I started off with, but I'm good at the moment.
WIN

14. Take all available opportunities to learn new skills.
Not yet applicable.
---

15. Work on outside projects (such as student films) if they fit into schedule.
They haven't fit into my schedule yet.
---

16. Take a trip to somewhere outside of town (even if it’s just to the next closest city) at least once a semester.
I went home for Thanksgiving. And a couple of days ago I was stressed out and talking to myself and ended up in a town I didn't know existed... but that's a story for another day.
WIN

17. Go to Disney World at least once.
Haven't done it yet. But I will. I swear.
---

18. Have as close to perfect attendance as is physically possible.
I was about 4 minutes late to Movement class once, and 10 minutes late to Acting class once. But that's it. No missed classes yet. *knocks on wood*
WIN

19. Remember how hard it is to get to grad school. Remember how great of a program this is. Be grateful every, every minute.
I am grateful. Very, very grateful.
WIN

20. Find something to love about every class and every professor (so that I can focus on those things on the days that classes seriously blow).
I have. Many somethings, in fact. I like far more than I dislike.
WIN

21. Do not kiss anyone in the program (unless it's required by a scene or something).
I kissed a 3rd-year. Which I regret. But he's a really nice guy, and we're back to a normal conversational relationship now. I also regret kissing CCM, even though I thought he fit into a loophole by not being a student. He's at every social thing I'm at, and I'm still uncomfortable with the whole thing. (By the by, I've kissed three of my classmates in scenes.)
FAIL

22. Do not get crushed on anyone in the program.
So far, so good.
WIN

23. Do not actively flirt with anyone in the program.
I only do when drunk. Which is why I stopped getting drunk around them.
WIN

24. Do not pursue a relationship with anyone in the program.
Not a problem.
WIN

25. Keep all classmates on the “As Good As Gay” list.
Also not a problem.
WIN

26. Swear less.
Heh. I went totally backwards on this one. I think I actually swear MORE down here. Drat.
FAIL

27. Replace swear words with exclamations such as “drat”, “shoot”, “freakin’”, “frak” (← it’s a Battlestar Galactica term), and the like.
(HA! Typing that in my last one was not intentional) I do say "drat" and "frak". Alongside other swearwords... but still.
WIN

28. Cut alcohol out of diet (as much as possible).
I fell off of this one for a three weekends, but I've recommitted to not drinking. It's way better for my stability.
WIN

29. Try not to drink until my birthday (October 25 – If I can cut meat out of my diet for 9 months, I can certainly take out alcohol for 3).
Well, I ALMOST made it...
FAIL

30. Do not have alcohol more than twice in one week, regardless of occasion.
I did once. Which was the weekend that my classmate verbally attacked me for several hours... It was also my birthday weekend. And I haven't had alcohol since.
FAIL

31. Try to limit caffeine intake.
Done. I think I've had pop under 10 times this semester.
WIN

32. Make sure to eat tons of peanut butter, cheese, tofu, hummus, and other protein-containing foods in order to keep energy up.
Done. And now I'm trying to cut peanut butter and cheese OUT of my diet, as my Movement Professor says that they're making me gain weight (I'm replacing them with meat).
WIN

33. Don’t tell classmates about my (lack of a) sexual history. Remember that it is none of their business.
Whoops. That came out REALLY EARLY. Luckily, I'm not the only virgin in my program. Heck, I'm not even the only one in my class.
FAIL

34. Don’t even THINK about doing NaNoWriMo.
I'll admit it. I thought about it. But I quickly (as in, seconds later) thought the better of it. Hence, I'm still counting a win.
WIN

35. Try not to make the fact that I’m a blogger public knowledge. (Even though I’ve already warned my roommate. And one of the second years found my blog in February).
They all know.
FAIL

36. Consider lying and saying I blog about something that they won’t want to read. Make it sound like it’s not a personal blog.
Nope. They know what it is. And some of them want to read it.
FAIL

37. Do not discuss individuals from grad school program on my blog, in case they find it.
I totally have. Whoops. (I sort of forgot that I wrote this.)
FAIL

38. Do not mention what grad school program (or city) I’m in on my blog, so that they won’t be able to find it.
Check.
WIN

39. Be supportive of classmates, not competitive with them.
Check. Although I am occasionally jealous of their talent.
WIN

40. Avoid getting too negative about myself or my potential.
This is really freaking hard. But I'm better than I was.
FAIL

41. Use days off well, because they’re few and far between.
I don't. Unless by "well" I meant surfing Etsy for 5 hours at a time. Because I've definitely done that.
FAIL

42. Laugh as much as possible.
I do. :)
WIN

43. Write down all homework assignments (because I WILL forget them if I don’t).
I do. But for one of my classes, they're all in the syllabus, which is EVIL because I always forget to read it.
WIN

44. Walk or bike to school on occasion. (Will work out details on this once I figure out if it’s even safe to do this, as I’d have to cross a couple of 4-lane roads, and Florida drivers are NUTS.)
I walked to school once, and I never bought a bike. Walking to school sucked because it meant I had to leave for school earlier, and my body was already tired by the time I got to Movement class and had to do 5 minutes of jumping rope. I didn't like it.
FAIL

45. For understudy assignments, attend every rehearsal that fits into my schedule (there are only three actual understudy rehearsals per show, and we’re mostly expected to learn what to do by watching video tapes and whatnot… so clearly, the more actual rehearsals you can make it to, the better).
I didn't the last week of classes because I was too busy with class assignments, but now I'm going every day.
WIN

46. Work on completing my novel in my spare time (HA! Spare time! Like I'm going to have any of that!).
Nope. Haven't written a word since I got here.
FAIL

47. Remember to step back and take time to breathe.
I do.
WIN

48. Do whatever it takes to get closer to the goal of becoming a castable, skilled, professional actor.
I try.
WIN

49. Loosen up. (recommended by Eric Shonkwiler.)
Working on it.
WIN

50. Don't let things from OUTSIDE of class affect what's going on INSIDE of class. (The reverse of #8)
I SUCKED at this. But I'm getting better.
FAIL



By my count, that's 30 Wins, 17 Fails, and 3 N/A. And in my book that's pretty freaking good.


May you win more than you fail.

~A~

Calming Her Down

I wrote this post a couple of weeks ago, but it's been sitting in my "drafts" folder unpublished with a few other posts that I don't really want people from down here to read... But I'm hitting the "Publish Post" button anyway. Time to be brave. Here goes.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The last time I took my car into the shop to get fixed (which is a regular occurrence for me and a good example of why you should never buy a used Suzuki from a Honda dealer), they disconnected the battery and consequently messed up my whole radio system. Instead of kindly giving me the code that the thing keeps requesting so that I can turn it on, the Honda dealer says I have to bring the car to the Suzuki dealer so that they can reset something or other. And as I'm a grad student, I simply have not had the time to do that... And when I HAVE had the time (read: last Monday morning), I did not have the will or energy.

Therefore, I've been driving around in silence.

And I've reverted back into an old habit of mine from Chicago... The sort of habit that one develops after living alone for a long period of time...

I've started talking to myself again.

As soon as I leave the parking lot, I will verbally check in with myself to see how I'm doing. This usually then turns into a marginally insane solo conversation. Yes, aloud. Here's one from a couple of weeks ago:


Angela: Hey, Angela. How are you doing, babe? How are you doing?
Angela: Pretty good. But a little weird.
Angela: Weird? In what way?
Angela: Not sure. Frustrated, I guess.
Angela: What's making you frustrated?
Angela: That conversation we had in Acting class.
Angela: That discussion wasn't directed at you. Are you frustrated on behalf of the other person?
Angela: Not really.
Angela: Then why are you frustrated?
Angela: Maybe because I couldn't do anything to help?
Angela: Are you sure it's frustration that you're feeling?
Angela: No.
Angela: What else could it be?
Angela: I don't know. Anger? Fear?
Angela: Angela, what are you afraid of?
Angela: Him. Yelling at me.
Angela: Still?
Angela: Yes. Still.
Angela: Sweetie, you've got to let that go.
Angela: I know. I know. I thought I had.
Angela: Shhh... It's okay, baby. Tomorrow will be better.


I don't know if it's helping or not. On the one hand, I do think I'm more in touch with the roots of my problems instead of the symptoms. On the other hand, I'm talking to myself. Perhaps one step forward and two steps back?

I've tried to stop feeling things over the last few weeks. It feels like emotions just get in the way. And they make people hate me.

I'm sorry that I wear my heart on my sleeve and my emotions on my face. I'm sorry that I believe everything that people tell me. I'm sorry that I'm sensitive and that everything affects me. I'm sorry that I can't just walk away from people who are hurting me. I'm sorry.

I've had some abusive friendships in my life. Mentally abusive. Emotionally abusive. Verbally abusive. And even physically abusive (although never all that bad physically -- I never had more than a scrape, a bruise, or a bad scare).

Every time I got out of one of them (particularly the one relationship that I count to be the worst), I'd think, "Wow, I'm so much stronger of a person now. I will never let this happen again. Nothing will ever break me down like this again."

But that's not true. It's really quite the opposite.

I'm a piece of china that was broken, and has been repaired with glue in a shoddy manner. I'm weaker now. Every time I drop, I'm far more likely to break. And every time it's into smaller and smaller pieces, between the cracks from before.

Now, a person can do as much damage to me in a few hours as it took my chief abuser weeks to accomplish.

I'm not proud of that, but that's the way it is.

One of my classmates referred to me as "traumatized" by recent events.

At first I told him he was being dramatic, but now I'm not so sure.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm a target for this. Is it because I'm nice? Because I'm really nice? Because I'm TOO nice? Because people can take one look at me and know that I'm a doormat, made to be walked upon? Can they tell that I've been hurt before, and will do anything to have friends now? Do they know that I'm ready to bend over backwards? That I'll become whomever and whatever they need me to be?

I told someone down here that I'm like this. That I'm afraid sometimes of the level to which I'm willing to forget myself and say yes. That I know how pathetic I am.

And the person that I told is the person who now is most willing to abuse that power over me.

And I go with it. Because I'm weak. Or because I'm nice.

Because I want to feel needed and useful.

Or because it makes me feel like I have a friend.

Sometimes I joke that the best friend I have in the world is my computer (Lady MacBook), because we've been through so much together, and she's always there for me. But I suppose the real truth is that I have to be my own friend most of the time.

I have to support the girl who hyperventilates in fear while she drives to a party. I have to talk her into getting out of the car. I have to calm her down and turn her into a real person. And I know just how to do that for her. I can usually fix her well enough that no one would ever know.

I have to help the girl as she stares in the mirror in the bathroom on her ten-minute breaks between classes. I tell her not to be afraid. I tell her that she can do it. I tell her that it doesn't matter what the others have said to her; all that matters is what she believes.

And sometimes, I just have to stop her. Stop her from baking all night instead of writing a paper, limiting her to just a few batches of baked goods, and not worrying that she hasn't made anything for the vegan guy she knows or the girl on a diet. I have to stop her from giving her car, books, notebooks, and money to other people when she needs them, too. Stop her from taking personal responsibility over things she has no control over, like how contented her classmates are with the program that she loves so much.

Maybe next week I'll have time to take my car into the shop and get the radio fixed. But until then, I guess I'll just keep listening to her. And I'll keep trying to get her to let go.


May you calm down.

~A~

Reflections

So guess what I did...



I got a haircut.

You know how I've been talking about cutting my hair since, oh, the beginning of September? Remember when I got permission from the head of my program and the head of the costume department? Remember how I even had a poll on here a while back to see what my readers thought?

And how I kept pushing it back, questioning it, over-analyzing it, and backing out?

Well, I cut it. Finally.

Not the "Audrey Hepburn Roman Holiday" style that I was originally considering. Not that drastic, no. But if you take into account how much of my life has been spent with long hair, this is still a significant transformation for me. Far more than dying my hair last March.

I needed a change. I needed something different. Maybe to reflect that the person on the inside isn't the same.

More than anything, I think I just needed to stop being afraid.

I got it cut yesterday. My head feels lighter. I think my face and neck look even heavier than they did before. But in general, I think I like it. I still look like me. I just look like a new version of me. Maybe a more serious version. Maybe one who has matured.

Maybe it's just that for the first time in a long time I'm looking in the mirror and having to really take myself in.

Have you ever noticed that after awhile, you stop seeing the people you're around regularly? You look at them, but you don't really see who they are or how they've changed. But if you go a year without seeing them, they look so different.

I think that's how things started to go with me. I stopped seeing myself. My progress. My metamorphosis. The fact that who I am now is not who I was a year ago. The fact that although my hair has been the same length since college, I have not been the same me.

I am not the girl in my headshots. I am not the girl fretting about graduate school. I am not the girl who was so obsessed with completing her mediocre NaNoWriMo novel. I am not the girl who Brian said he was in love with. And I am not the girl who sat by waiting for life to come find her.

I guess in some ways I'm that girl. I will always be her a little. For after all, though I've changed, I am still fundamentally me. But I'm so much more now than I was before.

And when I looked in the mirror this morning, I think I finally saw a change in what was reflecting back at me. Something was different enough that I finally stopped and paid attention.

I don't look like a college girl anymore. I almost look like an adult. I'm not sure how I feel about that yet. I think I'm okay with it.

I don't look the way I want to, but at least I'm not trying to hide that from myself anymore. I'm not looking in the mirror and pretending that I see myself as I once was. I can't hide behind my hair the way I've been doing for the last 2 years.

And you know what? That's fine. Unlike Jo in Little Women, my hair was not my only beauty.

I can be beautiful without it. And I don't need other people to tell me that in order for me to believe it.



So without further ado, I present to you the new me. Not as I want you to think of me, but as I truly am.









(Me, my Aunt, and my Mom. This is the first time we can remember that I've had shorter hair than either of them. 11/29/08)


May you have the guts to see yourself as you are.
And may the person that you are be similar to the person you want to be.


~A~

The Engineer

(Me and Two-Shots-Up at karaoke, 11/23/08)

I haven't been posting on a regular basis. And I will continue that trend, just so you know. They keep us hopping, and my free-time is sporadic. Not to mention all the guilt I feel whenever I'm working on ANYTHING that isn't centered around making myself a better actor. Blogging seems like a distraction from my REAL purpose (my other blog seems more in the correct vein, hence why I'm better at keeping up with that).

The only truly consistent thing about my schedule down here is that I get Mondays off. So naturally, Sunday night is party night.

Y2K led the initial movement to hit karaoke up on a Sunday, and people followed. But now, it's become even more important to Two-Shots-Up and me than it is to him. We go every week. And we love it.

We dance like maniacs. Seriously. MANIACS. And we've done our "Viewpoints" movement homework on the dancefloor more than once. In fact, now it's part of what we do there, regardless of whether it's required for class. We think it's funny.

I usually sing a song or two, and I'll do a duet with Two-Shots-Up, because she's not confident enough to hit the mic on her own.

A couple of weeks ago, Two-Shots-Up and I were the only people from our group in attendance. We made fools of ourselves, and we met a lot of interesting people in the process. Like the guy who says he's a band with two former members of The Allman Brothers, and the former drummer from Bad Company. And a creepy drunk guy who asked for my number, and when I said I didn't give it out ("for safety reasons"), responded with, "What? I'm not dangerous!"

We also met a nice guy wearing a Bayside Tigers shirt (a clear sign that he was friend-able). He's an engineering student, and the drummer in a not-yet-named band (I remind you all that I have a thing for drummers). He seemed cool, and it was right around the time that 2SU and I were looking to find friends outside the program, so we both got his number and said our friends and his friends should hang out sometime.

He's been text messaging me ever since. But it was hard to think too far into that, as he was CALLING 2SU. One day she came into class and said they'd talked for an hour the night before.

And where did that take my mind?

Shockingly, not to the bad place. I never crossed into the land of, "He wants her and not me. Just another guy picking another girl over me. What's wrong with me?"

No. Perhaps my self-esteem level is improving, because where I HONESTLY went was, "Oooh! I hope they date, and then we can hang out with his friends! I bet he has cool friends, and then I'll know people outside the program! Wouldn't that be awesome?"

Last week, The Engineer was in L.A. (which happens to be the home of 2SU, giving them even more to talk about), so he missed karaoke.

We had several people from our group there. And at one point, Y2K tried to confess his feelings for me. OVER THE MICROPHONE. He started a song that had a "let's get together" vibe by saying, "Angela? Let's cut through the s***..." He walked off the stage platform and over to me on the dancefloor (cut to me, looking terrified), and then said, "And, um, you too, [Two-Shots-Up]." Crisis narrowly averted.

Later in the evening, 2SU and I sort of hinted that we were a couple in front of Y2K... Which we're not. And it seems cruel in retrospect. But in that moment, I felt like it had to be done. I didn't want to have to hurt him by turning him down. It seemed like a better choice to convince him not to take the risk.

As a side note, it's really too bad that neither 2SU nor I are interested in women. Because we would make such a great couple. And I'm pretty sure it'd be hot. We have a lot of chemistry (which is probably why we keep getting paired together in exercises with vaguely lesbian undertones in Acting class).

(Tangent: There's a part of me that always worries that being straight makes me sexist. Like I'm making a statement that men are better than women somehow... But then if I say that being straight is a sexist choice, then I'd have to say that being gay is as well... And since I don't believe that being gay is a choice, then I guess I have to admit that I was probably just born this way.)

Anyway.

A few days ago, I got a text from The Engineer:

"I really want to take you out sometime, if you have time! :)"

Wait, wait, wait... Is that... a date?

I thought he wanted 2SU. I was pretty certain of it, actually. Which made me unsure as to whether I should bring it up to her. On the one hand, I wanted to know if he was trying to hook both of us. On the other, I didn't want to rub her face in it if she wanted him...

I decided it would work itself out.

Last night we went back to karaoke. Me, 2SU, Y2K, and a handful of others. I sang "Whatta Man" by En Vogue & Salt n' Pepa. (note: the words are NOT on the right beat for that song... you have to ignore when they come on the screen). I sang "Killing Me Softly" by The Fugees (with a friend doing all the "one time/two times" bits). 2SU and I did "Love Is Strange" by Mickey & Sylvia (from Dirty Dancing).

The Engineer showed up. He bought me a cherry coke. And he made it quite clear that he wasn't chasing after 2SU. He wanted me.

After all of us did a rousing rendition of "The Y.M.C.A.", the bar closed and we were shoved out into the parking lot, where we hung around discussing constellations.

He asked if he could walk me to my car, which was all of about 20 feet away. I let him. He kissed me. I stopped him. I felt weird about it happening with Y2K right there. Not that I had been hiding the fact that I was flirting with The Engineer all night... But making out with him in front of Y2K in a parking lot just seemed wrong. Mean, in fact.

We discussed going out for coffee, but then admitted that neither of us drinks coffee. We said in unison that we normally get hot chocolate. But then he said that he's trying to cut carbs and sugar out of his diet, which is EXACTLY what my Movement Professor told me I should be doing. We laughed. And then he proposed taking me out for water sometime.

His schedule is as chaotic as mine (he has work, school, and band practice), so we haven't figured out a time that we can meet... And I'm going to see my family in Connecticut for Thanksgiving, which cuts out a chunk of time. But I know we'll be seeing each other again at some point. And I'm a little excited about it.


May you find someone to drink water with.

~A~

I Get It

(My roommate and me at an opening for a show. 11/15/08)

I'm doing well.

I've started kicking booty in my acting class in the last couple of weeks. We had an exam on Friday, and I was really proud of the work I did. And my classmates seem to be excited for me and impressed with my progress. I'm stoked.

Some of my classmates meet with our professors for long periods of time to discuss process and technique one-on-one, but that's really not my style. I let them know where I'm at every so often. I'll stay after class for a couple of minutes to tell my Movement Professor that my knee is out of whack. I'll go to Voice class early to ask my professor's advice on things. I email my professors when I come to realizations on my own outside of class. That sort of thing.

After our test, I walked by my Acting Professor's office, and his door was ajar. I knocked. He invited me in, but I didn't need to sit down and talk. All I needed to say was, "I get it." He nodded, smiled approvingly, and in his delightful Russian accent responded with, "Good." And that was all that needed to be said.



I thought that when I got to grad school, I'd magically get skinny. I thought that the weight I'd put on in the previous year and a half would just fall off. But it didn't. Quite the opposite, actually. I've put on 15 pounds since I've started classes.

Jamie once wrote about that number on the scale that makes you think to yourself, "I'm heavier than I'd like, but at least I haven't hit ___." That dreaded number that seems so detrimental and intimidating. Yeah, I passed that number by 3 pounds. And it was upsetting.

I can see it in my face, neck, and midsection. And I'm pretty self-conscious about it.

I thought my Movement class would be more active than it is. But it turns out I was actually getting more exercise when I was in Chicago, walking all over the place and taking 14 flights of stairs up and down twice a day at work, and another 5 flights in my apartment building. Here, I jump rope for 5 minutes 4 days a week, and walk on a treadmill (with no resistance at a low speed -- professor's orders) daily. And that's pretty much it.

I talked with my Movement professor about it, and she said she wants me to keep a food journal, so I've been tracking everything I eat all week. And I eat a TON. I'm so busy here that I've begun mentally associating "food" with "break time". Not good. And it's mostly healthy stuff, but it's just too much.

My professor also wants me to eat my biggest meal at breakfast, and my smallest meal at dinner. And she wants me to stop eating after 7pm (she originally said 6pm, but I pointed out that I often don't get home from school until after 6). This has been virtually impossible for me because of how long my days are. There was literally a day this week where I got to school at 8am, left for about 45 minutes for dinner, and then was back at school until 12:15am. So I basically went from 6:45pm to 12:30am without eating, and then got home and felt ravenous. I just can't do it.



Speaking of food, I hit the year mark for being a vegetarian, and have now been adding meat back into my diet (which I know disappoints Jessica and Heidi). And I'm so glad I did. For one thing, meat is way more delicious now than it has EVER been before. Also, I'm hoping that this might help me lose some weight, as I can get protein from meat instead of peanut butter and cheese like I've been doing for the last year. We'll see.

To be honest, I don't think I'm ever going to eat as much meat as I used to. As frustrating as being a vegetarian has been, I've discovered that it's POSSIBLE. I can do it and be relatively healthy. And I'm sure there will be days now when I don't eat meat and don't even realize it. I'm just glad that it doesn't have to be every day.

I'm really proud of myself for doing it for a year. Last November, I was in the middle of doing both NaNoWriMo and NaBloPoMo. And when I finished, I felt an enormous sense of pride because I'd stuck to my goals for a month. But now I've stuck to something that was really hard for me for a full year. I have more will power than I thought I did.



Anyway. I'm growing as a person. And while many days feel like battles, I'm finding myself, one piece at a time.


May you get it.

~A~

Secret Praise

I could've put this on my grad school blog, but a bunch of my classmates read it... and I don't want them to see this.

After a couple of weeks of shaky work in my Acting class, I finally got my courage back on Friday. And on Saturday, I got an email from my professor (something that I understand to be pretty rare from him).


Subject: Keep up the good work!


Hello Angela,

Excellent work in class yesterday. Most importantly - consistent work. Three etudes in a row - not bad. Keep exercising at home - it is paying off.

Sincerely,

[Acting Professor]



That makes me want to scream and shout. :)



May you get all the encouragement you need.

~A~

The Missing Piece

(Me as a Jackson Pollack painting and D-Train as Edward Scissorhands at a Halloween party)

On Thursday, I headed over to CCM's house after class. We went to a nearby restaurant and got a take-out veggie pizza (he ordered it ahead of time, and he paid). He drove us to the bay.

We sat next to the water having a great conversation. It flowed without much effort. And it was lovely. We sat there talking and eating as we watched the sunset.

It was a wonderful dinner. In many ways, it was exactly what I needed. An in-person conversation with someone who understood, but wasn't in the middle of all the problems in this place.

I had to get to the theatre for tech, so he drove me back to his place.

As he walked me to my car, he said, "I'm really glad we got to do this. I've been looking forward to having an opportunity to talk with you one-on-one."

"Me too," I said.

And as he gave me a hug goodbye, he said, "I just wanted to make sure things weren't awkward between us."




Ah. I understand now. It wasn't meant to be a date at all. It was meant to be a "let's see if we can still be friends, even though some weird stuff went down" outing.

What a misguided act. Calling a girl up several days in advance to ask her out to dinner in an attempt to bring your relationship with her away from the dating realm.

People confuse me. Especially this guy.



Last night after the show, I took D-Train to the same spot on the water. He and I sat there talking for hours. We talked about things that I didn't think I'd ever say to people down here. He told me things that he doesn't feel like he can talk about with anyone else in his life. Things about his relationship with his girlfriend, about his past, about his progress here. I became more myself and less alone as I sat with him, watching the moonlight dance on the water.



After these two conversations, I realized that dating someone is not what's missing in my life. It was the other role that Brian played for me. It's the confidant that I can allow in deeply. It's a person that I can say things to without judgment. It's a person who I feel I know on more than just a superficial level, who will tell me more than just how they feel on a given day.

I tell a lot to my roommates, and I've shared things with All-The-Way, Two-Shots-Up, Wifey, O.D., and Iceman... I appreciate having all of them to vent to, and I know that they all care about me. But it's not really the same. I still feel somewhat guarded with them.

I'm pretty sure that CCM can't be that person for me. And honestly, I'm still not sure that D-Train can be. There are times when he is, and other times when he's very clearly frustrated by my presence (or maybe just frustrated by the fact that he doesn't know how to help me).



May you figure out what's missing.

~A~

Debatably a Date

(Me as a Jackson Pollack painting. Iceman as a stripper pole, which was my favorite costume at the party. This has nothing whatsoever to do with this post; I just liked the photo.)

CCM called me on Monday night. He's had my number for weeks. I had wondered if he'd ever use it.

He called from a laundromat. We briefly discussed the connection to Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog (Dr. Horrible knows the girl of his dreams from the laundromat). He said something about how he never properly thanked me for introducing him to it. He also lamented the fact that we haven't had a chance to talk without about thirty other people around (which is perhaps an exaggeration, but it's true that we only see each other in group settings). And he said we should rectify that.

He asked me out to dinner. For Thursday.

Wait, WHAT?! WTF??? Didn't he JUST choose another girl over me? On FRIDAY??? This came out of NOWHERE.

I said yes.

I'm not sure whether it was the right decision. After what happened at that Halloween party, I'd decided to forget about him.

But I didn't want to say no. So I didn't. I followed the impulse, just as I've been learning to do in my acting.

I'm meeting him at his place after class, and then I have to go crew a performance like 90 minutes later. No idea what we're doing or where we're going. He said something about "exploring" the area. *shrugs*

This is a date, right? It seems like a date. Weird.

In other news, our nation has elected a new president. And I'm pretty excited about it. May he be the person we need to help put this country on a better path.

But somehow, at this moment, I'm thinking more about whether this is a date. That seems so egocentric, pathetic, and shallow...

What the hell am I going to wear?


May you feel the good kind of nervous.

~A~


P.S. This is totally distracting me from all of my other stressors. So that's good, right?

P.P.S. Thank you all for the outpouring of support after my last post. I think you know how much I needed it. And I want you to also know how much I appreciated it. This is a brand new week, and I have a feeling that things are about to turn around. :)

Compromised

This is no longer the safe space for me that it once was.

Actually, it hasn't been for awhile. I just didn't know that.

I don't know who's reading; I just know that they're in my city, and it seems from my StatCounter that my blog address is being passed around.

And I do know someone else who's reading. He admitted it freely. He showed up once, and it didn't even register as a threat. But RSS feeds are sneaky things, and in a blink, he became a regular reader without me knowing it.

Actually, I don't mind so much about him (although it's so strange to me that he knows more about me than anyone else down here, as I've barely talked with him). I'm more bothered by the possibility that he's not the only one.

I feel like my security has been compromised. But can you really have privacy when you put your life onto the internet?

I've been dealing with so many things, and so afraid to write them here for fear of who might read them. But they just keep piling up, and there are so few people here that I'm willing to discuss them with.


I'll give you the short versions:

- I got into an argument with a classmate during our group therapy (my whole class has therapy together once every two weeks to work out our problems... it is NOT frequently enough). I mentioned that I think he's racist against me, and he responded by saying that I'm a "stereotypical white girl who can't dance". (Ouch.) He also then spent a fair amount of time saying that I'm not "real" and he doesn't understand me. Some members of my class seemed to silently agree. I realized that I'm the resident alien of my class. I'm the freak. I'm the one that no one understands. And I felt so hurt and upset. And so very, very lonely.

- I met with my acting professor a week ago Friday. He thinks that my heart isn't in the work, that I'm not working hard enough outside of class, and that I don't trust myself enough. You have no idea how hard that was to hear. I put my heart into everything I do, especially theatre. And I have been working. The trust thing is true, but I'm working on it.

- My entire class got yelled at because of our lack of a sense of ensemble. We can't do anything together. And I resent some of my classmates. When I got here, being part of an ensemble was in my given circumstances. I just accepted that we were one. We were going to work with each other through thick and thin for the next three years. But not all my classmates felt that way. Some of them are still questioning whether they're going to stick it out for the three years. And I gave up.

- That night (after the bad meeting AND the ensemble speech), I was at a bar with a group of about 20 people, and I was being ignored by all of them. We crossed the mark of midnight, so it was technically my birthday. At one point they sang Happy Birthday to me, but CCM was flirting with a random girl and barely looked up. When I tried to join in on conversations, I apparently chose the wrong ones where people were discussing serious things, and people gave me dirty looks and brushed me off. (In my defense, I was intoxicated, lonely, had a painful day, and it was my f***ing birthday.) I ended up sitting by myself in the corner crying.

- On my birthday, I decided to have a gathering in my own honor. I bought a bunch of alcohol, mixers, and food, and told people to come at 9:00. So it was a little upsetting that no one was there at 9:00. Or by 9:30. Or by 10:00. Or by 10:15. I felt so lonely and unwanted. I knew that my roommates would be home around 11:00, so I took some comfort in that. My first guest showed up at 10:20, and then more came after that. It ended up being a fun night (you may have seen this video), but it was a rough start.

- I went to a Halloween party last Sunday. One of my (drunk and high) classmates spent HOURS attacking me, saying I was a weak link in the class, that I was bringing too many of my personal problems into the ensemble, and that I wasn't working hard enough for the good of the group. He said I cry too much, and it's pathetic and he thinks I'm a whiny attention-whore. He laid into me, shouting all the things he thinks I'm doing wrong, and I just sat there crying. I was too drunk to know how to get out of the situation. A few of our other classmates tried to break it up, but were unsuccessful. At one point, he got physically violent, and threw me into a sliding glass door. Somehow we ended up leaving the party and going to another classmate's apartment to finish the discussion. Which was so stupid and I should've just left, but in my intoxicated state, I didn't want to leave with things unresolved. It was unbearable.

- This entire week, I have sucked as an actor. It's been horrible. I completely lost all the courage I had because of that classmate. My acting professor called me out on it. I went up to him during our 10-minute break and told him that I had broken because a classmate had criticized my work. He told me that I have everything that I need to become a great actor, except the self-confidence to bounce back from things like that. I told him I'd work on it.

- A 2nd-year wrote a long, venting, angry blog post about how angry she is with my class not being supportive enough of them. She then specifically quoted something that I wrote in my Grad School Blog as an example, and turned it into a "How dare you" prompt. What I wrote was something that I wrote with good intentions, and I felt terribly about making her so upset. I thought I HAD been being supportive. I've loved the work that class has done. I bawled my eyes out during the show that she felt I criticized. And now I feel like a horrible person. I called her and apologized (somewhat emotionally), and we talked it out for awhile. I think it ended on a positive note, but I'm still carrying around a lot of guilt.

- I went to another Halloween party on Friday night. The short version of that? I stuck around for a long time to give CCM a ride home, but then he ended up hooking up with the host and staying over there. Let's just say that it didn't improve my insufficient self-esteem. Of course, that didn't stop him from flirting with me yesterday as though nothing had changed. Maybe he's the kind of guy who always keeps his eyes open, looking for better prospects. Whatever.

- I've been in tech rehearsals for the last several days for a show that the 2nd-years are doing. I'm typing this on my dinner break. I'm on stage crew, but I'm also helping costume crew with some fast changes. There's surprisingly little for me to do, which makes the tech process even more exhausting.

- I'm considering going back on my medication for ADHD. I've been off of it for a year and a half. Going on the drugs makes me a better student (I can write papers like nobody's business), but a worse actor (I get stuck in my head and can't tap into my vulnerability). In the past, they've also screwed up my sleeping habits and my appetite. I think it might help me socially, but I feel like I'm compromising who I am if I'm using them to make people like me (shouldn't they accept me for who I am, regardless?). I asked my voice professor for a recommendation of a doctor, but I haven't gotten brave enough to make an appointment.


So there you are. That's why I haven't been giving real posts. I'm so stressed, so emotional, and so... broken. I don't feel good enough as a romantic interest, as an actor, or as a person. I'm trying to keep my problems out of the classroom, but in order to do that I feel like I need to hide them from my classmates in general.

All-The-Way has been a really great friend and listener. She's probably my closest friend down here, but I'm in perpetual fear that she's only my friend because my freakishness amuses her. I don't trust her enough to tell her everything. Heck, I haven't even written everything here. There are some issues that I can't discuss here anymore. And there are details of some of the other issues that shouldn't be put on the internet. And there are some things that I don't want to discuss.

I was hesitant to tell anyone about considering medication (you have no idea how painful it becomes when people relate your good days and bad days to drugs, and make accusations of "did you forget your medication?". It gives them power over me that I don't want them to have.). I told Iceman last night, and he was so caring and loving in his responses.

It would be easier if I had friends down here who weren't in the program, but there's no good way to get them. These are the people I'm perpetually surrounded by, for better or for worse. I tried to become one of them, but it never seemed to really take hold in the way I wanted it to.

I have to stop. I have another rehearsal from 7pm to midnight.

But my life isn't all misery. I'll leave you with pictures of my sensational Halloween costumes.

(Me as a Freudian slip. The top ones say "Please pass the boobs... I mean mustard." The others include a drawing of Freud, several Freud quotes, and phrases like, "What are you suppressing?")


(Me with D-Train, who went as James Dean)


(Me as a Jackson Pollack Painting. I made the dress myself over a few weeks. The white tag said something like "Pollack, Jackson; #55, Tulip paint on cotton; Ringling Museum; Anonymous Donation". My hair and makeup became extensions of the art)


May you learn to compromise.

~A~