I wrote this post a couple of weeks ago, but it's been sitting in my "drafts" folder unpublished with a few other posts that I don't really want people from down here to read... But I'm hitting the "Publish Post" button anyway. Time to be brave. Here goes.
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The last time I took my car into the shop to get fixed (which is a regular occurrence for me and a good example of why you should never buy a used Suzuki from a Honda dealer), they disconnected the battery and consequently messed up my whole radio system. Instead of kindly giving me the code that the thing keeps requesting so that I can turn it on, the Honda dealer says I have to bring the car to the Suzuki dealer so that they can reset something or other. And as I'm a grad student, I simply have not had the time to do that... And when I HAVE had the time (read: last Monday morning), I did not have the will or energy.
Therefore, I've been driving around in silence.
And I've reverted back into an old habit of mine from Chicago... The sort of habit that one develops after living alone for a long period of time...
I've started talking to myself again.
As soon as I leave the parking lot, I will verbally check in with myself to see how I'm doing. This usually then turns into a marginally insane solo conversation. Yes, aloud. Here's one from a couple of weeks ago:
Angela: Hey, Angela. How are you doing, babe? How are you doing?
Angela: Pretty good. But a little weird.
Angela: Weird? In what way?
Angela: Not sure. Frustrated, I guess.
Angela: What's making you frustrated?
Angela: That conversation we had in Acting class.
Angela: That discussion wasn't directed at you. Are you frustrated on behalf of the other person?
Angela: Not really.
Angela: Then why are you frustrated?
Angela: Maybe because I couldn't do anything to help?
Angela: Are you sure it's frustration that you're feeling?
Angela: No.
Angela: What else could it be?
Angela: I don't know. Anger? Fear?
Angela: Angela, what are you afraid of?
Angela: Him. Yelling at me.
Angela: Still?
Angela: Yes. Still.
Angela: Sweetie, you've got to let that go.
Angela: I know. I know. I thought I had.
Angela: Shhh... It's okay, baby. Tomorrow will be better.
I don't know if it's helping or not. On the one hand, I do think I'm more in touch with the roots of my problems instead of the symptoms. On the other hand, I'm talking to myself. Perhaps one step forward and two steps back?
I've tried to stop feeling things over the last few weeks. It feels like emotions just get in the way. And they make people hate me.
I'm sorry that I wear my heart on my sleeve and my emotions on my face. I'm sorry that I believe everything that people tell me. I'm sorry that I'm sensitive and that everything affects me. I'm sorry that I can't just walk away from people who are hurting me. I'm sorry.
I've had some abusive friendships in my life. Mentally abusive. Emotionally abusive. Verbally abusive. And even physically abusive (although never all that bad physically -- I never had more than a scrape, a bruise, or a bad scare).
Every time I got out of one of them (particularly the one relationship that I count to be the worst), I'd think, "Wow, I'm so much stronger of a person now. I will never let this happen again. Nothing will ever break me down like this again."
But that's not true. It's really quite the opposite.
I'm a piece of china that was broken, and has been repaired with glue in a shoddy manner. I'm weaker now. Every time I drop, I'm far more likely to break. And every time it's into smaller and smaller pieces, between the cracks from before.
Now, a person can do as much damage to me in a few hours as it took my chief abuser weeks to accomplish.
I'm not proud of that, but that's the way it is.
One of my classmates referred to me as "traumatized" by recent events.
At first I told him he was being dramatic, but now I'm not so sure.
Sometimes I wonder why I'm a target for this. Is it because I'm nice? Because I'm really nice? Because I'm TOO nice? Because people can take one look at me and know that I'm a doormat, made to be walked upon? Can they tell that I've been hurt before, and will do anything to have friends now? Do they know that I'm ready to bend over backwards? That I'll become whomever and whatever they need me to be?
I told someone down here that I'm like this. That I'm afraid sometimes of the level to which I'm willing to forget myself and say yes. That I know how pathetic I am.
And the person that I told is the person who now is most willing to abuse that power over me.
And I go with it. Because I'm weak. Or because I'm nice.
Because I want to feel needed and useful.
Or because it makes me feel like I have a friend.
Sometimes I joke that the best friend I have in the world is my computer (Lady MacBook), because we've been through so much together, and she's always there for me. But I suppose the real truth is that I have to be my own friend most of the time.
I have to support the girl who hyperventilates in fear while she drives to a party. I have to talk her into getting out of the car. I have to calm her down and turn her into a real person. And I know just how to do that for her. I can usually fix her well enough that no one would ever know.
I have to help the girl as she stares in the mirror in the bathroom on her ten-minute breaks between classes. I tell her not to be afraid. I tell her that she can do it. I tell her that it doesn't matter what the others have said to her; all that matters is what she believes.
And sometimes, I just have to stop her. Stop her from baking all night instead of writing a paper, limiting her to just a few batches of baked goods, and not worrying that she hasn't made anything for the vegan guy she knows or the girl on a diet. I have to stop her from giving her car, books, notebooks, and money to other people when she needs them, too. Stop her from taking personal responsibility over things she has no control over, like how contented her classmates are with the program that she loves so much.
Maybe next week I'll have time to take my car into the shop and get the radio fixed. But until then, I guess I'll just keep listening to her. And I'll keep trying to get her to let go.
May you calm down.
~A~
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Calming Her Down
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7 comments:
I think we all feel like patchwork china sometimes... but each crack and chip makes us who we are. Without them we'd be shiny new depthless/story-less plates on a shelf at Ikea. Appreciate each crack, tend them, honor them- but you cant live on a shelf at Ikea.
Being brave is the first step toward real strength. Even if the bravery seems perpetual a mask, I'd like to think eventully you'll forget you're being brave and your former "brave" actions will become your strengthened reality.
I just sounded like Dr Phil. I'm sorry. Lol.
I sometimes feel exactly like this, that I let people take advantage of me because I'm too nice. But it's such a hard thing to do to stop and just say "no!" I'm not sure I'm capable of it.
I think we all feel like this. I took a hiatus because I felt really broken. And I finally started to feel more like me again, but now I feel bad sometimes for standing up for myself. Anyway, it all comes with time. Hang in there on those off days.
If talking to yourself helps then keep it up. There's nothing wrong with a little self-counseling.
Girl, I'm SO glad you posted this! Coming from someone who was sexually abused three times and verbally abused throughout my childhood (and got a worker's permit from the state to get a job at 14 to pay for counseling on my own) I can honestly say talking to yourself and working through these things is SO GOOD for you. I talk to myself all the time and somehow through the process of doing so, my rational side has learned to help curb the emotional and teach me how to set emotional boundaries and how to say no. It's taken me over a decade but the few friends I have are great and the guy I'm dating treats me like a queen (never was good at picking them before!) But I've been through being completely alone with absolutely no friends/ boyfriend for a good three years to get here (getting a dog helps!) You're on the right path and as much as you may not feel it, you're not alone in this world!
I too have had my share of abusive friendships. Because I'm too eager-to-please, too willing to suspend my needs to make those I care about happy, too loyal, too nice.
It's like I attract domineering friends. I swear, the three main best friends that I've had in my life have all been that way.
And I too thought that I was stronger when I escaped an abusive friendship. The first time that I realized that it was happening AGAIN, I almost crumbled. I felt as if the cycle would go on forever, I was sure that it was me, after all, that was the problem.
And I'm not about to say that I've solved that problem, because I've thought that before, and I know just how quickly it can take hold of me again. Often I too feel so fragile, like a falsely put back together piece of china too. But something is different.
The last time I came out of a bad situation like that, it was finally by choice and not chance. I now know I can recover, and so can you. I think that we are all the sum of our bad experiences, but our good ones too. And bad experiences provide fear, but they also show you what not to do. I like to think that someday I'll learn to stop stabbing myself in the foot with my friend choices. I actually think that I already have.
Sometimes it's hard to be brave, but the fact that you've escaped these situations before proves that you can do it. Hard times may come, but they are not the end. I like to think of them more as means to the good times later.
I think we're all damaged and scared, but I also think we all possess an intense inner strength, and it gets closer to the surface all the time.
I will stop rambling, because I could go on forever. I hope what I was trying to say was hidden in that rambling somewhere. Essentially... I understand. And I think it will be okay.
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