I Get It

(My roommate and me at an opening for a show. 11/15/08)

I'm doing well.

I've started kicking booty in my acting class in the last couple of weeks. We had an exam on Friday, and I was really proud of the work I did. And my classmates seem to be excited for me and impressed with my progress. I'm stoked.

Some of my classmates meet with our professors for long periods of time to discuss process and technique one-on-one, but that's really not my style. I let them know where I'm at every so often. I'll stay after class for a couple of minutes to tell my Movement Professor that my knee is out of whack. I'll go to Voice class early to ask my professor's advice on things. I email my professors when I come to realizations on my own outside of class. That sort of thing.

After our test, I walked by my Acting Professor's office, and his door was ajar. I knocked. He invited me in, but I didn't need to sit down and talk. All I needed to say was, "I get it." He nodded, smiled approvingly, and in his delightful Russian accent responded with, "Good." And that was all that needed to be said.



I thought that when I got to grad school, I'd magically get skinny. I thought that the weight I'd put on in the previous year and a half would just fall off. But it didn't. Quite the opposite, actually. I've put on 15 pounds since I've started classes.

Jamie once wrote about that number on the scale that makes you think to yourself, "I'm heavier than I'd like, but at least I haven't hit ___." That dreaded number that seems so detrimental and intimidating. Yeah, I passed that number by 3 pounds. And it was upsetting.

I can see it in my face, neck, and midsection. And I'm pretty self-conscious about it.

I thought my Movement class would be more active than it is. But it turns out I was actually getting more exercise when I was in Chicago, walking all over the place and taking 14 flights of stairs up and down twice a day at work, and another 5 flights in my apartment building. Here, I jump rope for 5 minutes 4 days a week, and walk on a treadmill (with no resistance at a low speed -- professor's orders) daily. And that's pretty much it.

I talked with my Movement professor about it, and she said she wants me to keep a food journal, so I've been tracking everything I eat all week. And I eat a TON. I'm so busy here that I've begun mentally associating "food" with "break time". Not good. And it's mostly healthy stuff, but it's just too much.

My professor also wants me to eat my biggest meal at breakfast, and my smallest meal at dinner. And she wants me to stop eating after 7pm (she originally said 6pm, but I pointed out that I often don't get home from school until after 6). This has been virtually impossible for me because of how long my days are. There was literally a day this week where I got to school at 8am, left for about 45 minutes for dinner, and then was back at school until 12:15am. So I basically went from 6:45pm to 12:30am without eating, and then got home and felt ravenous. I just can't do it.



Speaking of food, I hit the year mark for being a vegetarian, and have now been adding meat back into my diet (which I know disappoints Jessica and Heidi). And I'm so glad I did. For one thing, meat is way more delicious now than it has EVER been before. Also, I'm hoping that this might help me lose some weight, as I can get protein from meat instead of peanut butter and cheese like I've been doing for the last year. We'll see.

To be honest, I don't think I'm ever going to eat as much meat as I used to. As frustrating as being a vegetarian has been, I've discovered that it's POSSIBLE. I can do it and be relatively healthy. And I'm sure there will be days now when I don't eat meat and don't even realize it. I'm just glad that it doesn't have to be every day.

I'm really proud of myself for doing it for a year. Last November, I was in the middle of doing both NaNoWriMo and NaBloPoMo. And when I finished, I felt an enormous sense of pride because I'd stuck to my goals for a month. But now I've stuck to something that was really hard for me for a full year. I have more will power than I thought I did.



Anyway. I'm growing as a person. And while many days feel like battles, I'm finding myself, one piece at a time.


May you get it.

~A~