The Missing Piece

(Me as a Jackson Pollack painting and D-Train as Edward Scissorhands at a Halloween party)

On Thursday, I headed over to CCM's house after class. We went to a nearby restaurant and got a take-out veggie pizza (he ordered it ahead of time, and he paid). He drove us to the bay.

We sat next to the water having a great conversation. It flowed without much effort. And it was lovely. We sat there talking and eating as we watched the sunset.

It was a wonderful dinner. In many ways, it was exactly what I needed. An in-person conversation with someone who understood, but wasn't in the middle of all the problems in this place.

I had to get to the theatre for tech, so he drove me back to his place.

As he walked me to my car, he said, "I'm really glad we got to do this. I've been looking forward to having an opportunity to talk with you one-on-one."

"Me too," I said.

And as he gave me a hug goodbye, he said, "I just wanted to make sure things weren't awkward between us."




Ah. I understand now. It wasn't meant to be a date at all. It was meant to be a "let's see if we can still be friends, even though some weird stuff went down" outing.

What a misguided act. Calling a girl up several days in advance to ask her out to dinner in an attempt to bring your relationship with her away from the dating realm.

People confuse me. Especially this guy.



Last night after the show, I took D-Train to the same spot on the water. He and I sat there talking for hours. We talked about things that I didn't think I'd ever say to people down here. He told me things that he doesn't feel like he can talk about with anyone else in his life. Things about his relationship with his girlfriend, about his past, about his progress here. I became more myself and less alone as I sat with him, watching the moonlight dance on the water.



After these two conversations, I realized that dating someone is not what's missing in my life. It was the other role that Brian played for me. It's the confidant that I can allow in deeply. It's a person that I can say things to without judgment. It's a person who I feel I know on more than just a superficial level, who will tell me more than just how they feel on a given day.

I tell a lot to my roommates, and I've shared things with All-The-Way, Two-Shots-Up, Wifey, O.D., and Iceman... I appreciate having all of them to vent to, and I know that they all care about me. But it's not really the same. I still feel somewhat guarded with them.

I'm pretty sure that CCM can't be that person for me. And honestly, I'm still not sure that D-Train can be. There are times when he is, and other times when he's very clearly frustrated by my presence (or maybe just frustrated by the fact that he doesn't know how to help me).



May you figure out what's missing.

~A~