Compromised

This is no longer the safe space for me that it once was.

Actually, it hasn't been for awhile. I just didn't know that.

I don't know who's reading; I just know that they're in my city, and it seems from my StatCounter that my blog address is being passed around.

And I do know someone else who's reading. He admitted it freely. He showed up once, and it didn't even register as a threat. But RSS feeds are sneaky things, and in a blink, he became a regular reader without me knowing it.

Actually, I don't mind so much about him (although it's so strange to me that he knows more about me than anyone else down here, as I've barely talked with him). I'm more bothered by the possibility that he's not the only one.

I feel like my security has been compromised. But can you really have privacy when you put your life onto the internet?

I've been dealing with so many things, and so afraid to write them here for fear of who might read them. But they just keep piling up, and there are so few people here that I'm willing to discuss them with.


I'll give you the short versions:

- I got into an argument with a classmate during our group therapy (my whole class has therapy together once every two weeks to work out our problems... it is NOT frequently enough). I mentioned that I think he's racist against me, and he responded by saying that I'm a "stereotypical white girl who can't dance". (Ouch.) He also then spent a fair amount of time saying that I'm not "real" and he doesn't understand me. Some members of my class seemed to silently agree. I realized that I'm the resident alien of my class. I'm the freak. I'm the one that no one understands. And I felt so hurt and upset. And so very, very lonely.

- I met with my acting professor a week ago Friday. He thinks that my heart isn't in the work, that I'm not working hard enough outside of class, and that I don't trust myself enough. You have no idea how hard that was to hear. I put my heart into everything I do, especially theatre. And I have been working. The trust thing is true, but I'm working on it.

- My entire class got yelled at because of our lack of a sense of ensemble. We can't do anything together. And I resent some of my classmates. When I got here, being part of an ensemble was in my given circumstances. I just accepted that we were one. We were going to work with each other through thick and thin for the next three years. But not all my classmates felt that way. Some of them are still questioning whether they're going to stick it out for the three years. And I gave up.

- That night (after the bad meeting AND the ensemble speech), I was at a bar with a group of about 20 people, and I was being ignored by all of them. We crossed the mark of midnight, so it was technically my birthday. At one point they sang Happy Birthday to me, but CCM was flirting with a random girl and barely looked up. When I tried to join in on conversations, I apparently chose the wrong ones where people were discussing serious things, and people gave me dirty looks and brushed me off. (In my defense, I was intoxicated, lonely, had a painful day, and it was my f***ing birthday.) I ended up sitting by myself in the corner crying.

- On my birthday, I decided to have a gathering in my own honor. I bought a bunch of alcohol, mixers, and food, and told people to come at 9:00. So it was a little upsetting that no one was there at 9:00. Or by 9:30. Or by 10:00. Or by 10:15. I felt so lonely and unwanted. I knew that my roommates would be home around 11:00, so I took some comfort in that. My first guest showed up at 10:20, and then more came after that. It ended up being a fun night (you may have seen this video), but it was a rough start.

- I went to a Halloween party last Sunday. One of my (drunk and high) classmates spent HOURS attacking me, saying I was a weak link in the class, that I was bringing too many of my personal problems into the ensemble, and that I wasn't working hard enough for the good of the group. He said I cry too much, and it's pathetic and he thinks I'm a whiny attention-whore. He laid into me, shouting all the things he thinks I'm doing wrong, and I just sat there crying. I was too drunk to know how to get out of the situation. A few of our other classmates tried to break it up, but were unsuccessful. At one point, he got physically violent, and threw me into a sliding glass door. Somehow we ended up leaving the party and going to another classmate's apartment to finish the discussion. Which was so stupid and I should've just left, but in my intoxicated state, I didn't want to leave with things unresolved. It was unbearable.

- This entire week, I have sucked as an actor. It's been horrible. I completely lost all the courage I had because of that classmate. My acting professor called me out on it. I went up to him during our 10-minute break and told him that I had broken because a classmate had criticized my work. He told me that I have everything that I need to become a great actor, except the self-confidence to bounce back from things like that. I told him I'd work on it.

- A 2nd-year wrote a long, venting, angry blog post about how angry she is with my class not being supportive enough of them. She then specifically quoted something that I wrote in my Grad School Blog as an example, and turned it into a "How dare you" prompt. What I wrote was something that I wrote with good intentions, and I felt terribly about making her so upset. I thought I HAD been being supportive. I've loved the work that class has done. I bawled my eyes out during the show that she felt I criticized. And now I feel like a horrible person. I called her and apologized (somewhat emotionally), and we talked it out for awhile. I think it ended on a positive note, but I'm still carrying around a lot of guilt.

- I went to another Halloween party on Friday night. The short version of that? I stuck around for a long time to give CCM a ride home, but then he ended up hooking up with the host and staying over there. Let's just say that it didn't improve my insufficient self-esteem. Of course, that didn't stop him from flirting with me yesterday as though nothing had changed. Maybe he's the kind of guy who always keeps his eyes open, looking for better prospects. Whatever.

- I've been in tech rehearsals for the last several days for a show that the 2nd-years are doing. I'm typing this on my dinner break. I'm on stage crew, but I'm also helping costume crew with some fast changes. There's surprisingly little for me to do, which makes the tech process even more exhausting.

- I'm considering going back on my medication for ADHD. I've been off of it for a year and a half. Going on the drugs makes me a better student (I can write papers like nobody's business), but a worse actor (I get stuck in my head and can't tap into my vulnerability). In the past, they've also screwed up my sleeping habits and my appetite. I think it might help me socially, but I feel like I'm compromising who I am if I'm using them to make people like me (shouldn't they accept me for who I am, regardless?). I asked my voice professor for a recommendation of a doctor, but I haven't gotten brave enough to make an appointment.


So there you are. That's why I haven't been giving real posts. I'm so stressed, so emotional, and so... broken. I don't feel good enough as a romantic interest, as an actor, or as a person. I'm trying to keep my problems out of the classroom, but in order to do that I feel like I need to hide them from my classmates in general.

All-The-Way has been a really great friend and listener. She's probably my closest friend down here, but I'm in perpetual fear that she's only my friend because my freakishness amuses her. I don't trust her enough to tell her everything. Heck, I haven't even written everything here. There are some issues that I can't discuss here anymore. And there are details of some of the other issues that shouldn't be put on the internet. And there are some things that I don't want to discuss.

I was hesitant to tell anyone about considering medication (you have no idea how painful it becomes when people relate your good days and bad days to drugs, and make accusations of "did you forget your medication?". It gives them power over me that I don't want them to have.). I told Iceman last night, and he was so caring and loving in his responses.

It would be easier if I had friends down here who weren't in the program, but there's no good way to get them. These are the people I'm perpetually surrounded by, for better or for worse. I tried to become one of them, but it never seemed to really take hold in the way I wanted it to.

I have to stop. I have another rehearsal from 7pm to midnight.

But my life isn't all misery. I'll leave you with pictures of my sensational Halloween costumes.

(Me as a Freudian slip. The top ones say "Please pass the boobs... I mean mustard." The others include a drawing of Freud, several Freud quotes, and phrases like, "What are you suppressing?")


(Me with D-Train, who went as James Dean)


(Me as a Jackson Pollack Painting. I made the dress myself over a few weeks. The white tag said something like "Pollack, Jackson; #55, Tulip paint on cotton; Ringling Museum; Anonymous Donation". My hair and makeup became extensions of the art)


May you learn to compromise.

~A~