Ring Around the Moon

Not long after midnight on January 1st, I saw something that I'd never seen before.


I didn't take this picture, but I did see this phenomenon. All I could think of was the musical version of The Spitfire Grill, and the lyrics to the song, "Ring Around the Moon".

"Ring around the moon
Bigger world than me
Ready or not
Here I come
Olly olly oxen free"

They look like terrible lyrics, now that I've typed them up, but it's actually a moving song. It's a woman moving forward in her life, taking risks, and hoping that everything is going to work out. And to me, it felt like a good beginning to the journey called 2010.

(Note: Technically, 2010 is the LAST year of the decade, not the FIRST year of a new decade as most people seem to believe... The millennium started in 2001 because there was no Year 0. Our calendar goes from 1 BC to 1 AD. And by the same logic, the next decade technically begins a year from now. Not that any of that is actually important, nor do I need you to believe me; I just figured that this blog was an appropriate place to air that pet peeve of mine. Okay, I'm done.)

I have to say, I have no complaints on the first few days of 2010. They've been pretty stellar as far as days can go. And not just because I saw Bernadette Peters in concert last night (although it certainly didn't hurt... if I were the sort of person who wanted to have children, I would name a daughter Bernadette. That woman is a sequined river of emotion).

I've talked for hours with people I adore. I've done a little bargain-hunting (fingerless gloves for a dollar... I win at shopping). I've cuddled in a bed with two gay men (strangely, the bed didn't belong to any of us). And I spent time with someone I admire who made me feel more attractive and desirable than I've felt in a long while.

And the year hasn't yet ticked past the 12th day of Christmas... (which is traditionally January 6th, the feast day of the Epiphany, for those of you who were always confused by that song.) So a great deal of good feelings have been packed solidly into a short period of time. And I've loved it.

So what now?

Not long after midnight on New Year's Day, I mentioned to someone I barely knew that I didn't have a resolution yet for the new year. His response:

"Maybe that's because you're finally becoming okay with who you are. And maybe your resolution should just be to enjoy it."

This coming from someone whose name I learned a few hours before. It was like conversing with a fortune cookie.

Then yesterday, I met up with a friend I haven't seen since before I started graduate school, who bestowed upon me more compliments than I deserve. I can't recall the exact wording of the compliment that may have been the greatest of the set, but it was something along the lines of:

"You're more yourself than you used to be. You're more confident. You're just more you now."

I don't know if it's true, but I was grateful from my core for the words.

Maybe that's where the last year has brought me.

Usually, I look back on a year with positive thoughts, but I don't really feel that way about 2009. It's wasn't a particularly BAD year, per se. Only one person I cared greatly for died, and she was elderly (which, in my opinion, lessens the blow a bit). No one in my family lost their jobs, which should be cause for celebration. But emotionally, it was a year of trauma for me. And it was a year during which I did a great deal of healing, most of which I had to do alone.

Maybe I have, in fact, grown. Maybe I am more "me" than I was before, although I must admit that I'm still not entirely certain as to what that means. And maybe instead of changing things and fixing myself, I do indeed need to just start appreciating myself and all that I've become.

But it's me, and I couldn't possibly go without resolutions... So first, let's review.

Last year's resolutions were:

- Call my brothers more often.
(Sort of... Not enough. But I saw them plenty, so I felt like I didn't need to.)
- Stop trying to talk myself into things and out of things. Just let them happen, and take them as they are.
(Getting better at it, but not great yet.)
- Make up my own mind about things, instead of just agreeing with the opinions of others.
(Getting much better)
- Acknowledge my emotions and then let them go, instead of pushing them aside and letting them control me.
(Getting better, but I sucked at it post-Filmmaker)
- Stop taking personal responsibility for the happiness of others.
(Still terrible with this)
- Be more assertive. Stop letting people take advantage of me just because I'm nice.
(Still terrible with this)
- Stop judging people based on their history or reputation.
(Getting better)



And this year? Well, I guess I'll make some up now.

1. Enjoy being myself.
Because I think that first random guy might have been right.

2. Find a better way to deal with injustices in my life than with bitterness and grudges.
The sooner I find a way to converse with Alpha while staying true to myself, the better.

3. Cut back on spending in order to save money for my study abroad program in London.
I head to London on May 5th, and I'll be there until mid-June.

4. Stop taking personal responsibility for the happiness of others.
It's a valuable lesson that is taking me a very long time to learn.

5. Put more time and energy into looking fabulous.
2010 is going to be The Year of the Crimson Diva. At formal events, I'm going red nails, red lips, pale skin, false eyelashes, high heels, Dita Von Teese style diva. And people will fucking love me for it. ;)

6. Make a mental box other than "As Good As Gay" to contain the problem men in who keep flipping the switch and evading the AGAG label.
Maybe less of a box, and more of a jail cell. I'll make the sketchy ones keep their distance... and perhaps let the others out for good behavior.


May you be who you are. And may you enjoy it.

~A~




P.S. I couldn't find these lyrics online, so I took the liberty of typing them up.

"Outside in the night, there's a ring around the moon
The wind sings in barbed wire; I've listened to the tune
What seems like fifty years, or maybe it was five
It's hard to count the days when you're buried alive

Outside of these walls is a bigger world than me
I had no where to hide the last time I was free
I've circled on the map a place to start again
A town called Gilead
Close my eyes, and count to ten

And it's one one-thousand, two
Three one-thousand, four
Five one-thousand, six one-thousand
Seven one-thousand, more
Eight one-thousand, nine
Nine one-thousand, ten
Five years seemed like fifty
Now it's time to start again

Ring around the moon
Bigger world than me
Ready or not
Here I go
Olly olly oxen free
Olly olly oxen free

Two steps follow one, one step follows two
A ticket in my hand, a bus to somewhere new
A circle on a map, count the miles to go
On the road to Gilead
Down a highway I don't know

It's one mile turnin' two
Three miles turns to four
Five miles turns to fifty
Then a hundred miles more
Bus rolls to a stop
Driver turns to me
"This is Gilead
What there is, is what you see."

A ring around the moon
Bigger world than me
Ready or not
Here I come
Olly olly oxen free..."