There's a party going on in my house right now. I'm in my bedroom with the lights off. Crying.
Social anxiety sucks.
I thought I was doing okay. I haven't had a bad attack in awhile, and I have good coping mechanisms. But tonight, I just felt off.
I started baking cookies mid-party. I've done it before. It gives me an excuse to be away from conversation and people for awhile, without looking like I'm abandoning a party.
It wasn't helping enough. So I ended kept plugging my ears, focusing on a spot on the floor, and humming. It was sort of helping. Until it wasn't.
When the cookies were done, I went to take them out of the oven. Someone bumped me, I burned my elbow on the oven, and I dropped a tray, which knocked some of the cookies into the rungs of the oven shelf.
And then I knew I wasn't okay.
I went to the living room, where I was alone, and tried to calm down. And I couldn't. D-Train came over and tried to calm me down. I blamed my state on the burn, so he got me ice. By the time he got back, I was crying.
He brought me upstairs with a paper towel of ice, and sat on the floor with me in the hallway. (He couldn't come into my room, of course, as it's in its usual embarrassingly disheveled state.) He held me for a few minutes, got me some tissues, and told me I was going to be okay.
He said to stay upstairs until I was calm. He said that I didn't have to come back down again, and that I shouldn't unless I had a real smile on my face.
As he left me, I heard people downstairs talking about me. "Oh, she's just upset because she dropped the cookies." "I burn myself all the time. It really hurts, so I bet that's why." Those sorts of things. Nothing mean, but it's still weird to hear people talking about you.
I heard them singing Happy Birthday to OD a couple of minutes ago. I didn't go down.
It's getting quieter. Maybe I will just stay up here.
This sucks.
I think I'm just going to keep crying. And eventually go to bed.
The funny thing is, before this, it was a pretty good day.
May you escape when you need to.
~A~
Monday, January 25, 2010
Death of the Party
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6 comments:
I hope tomorrow is better.
that does suck quite a lot.
if it makes you feel any better, i avoid a lot of social gatherings for this exact reason - i hate feeling like i HAVE to socialise. it makes me feel all squirmy inside.
I also do the 'baking cookies' thing - but mine usually involves making cocktails/salads/cleaning the kitchen' so i can avoid talking to people i have no desire to interact with...
i much prefer staying at home with my Boyfriend and my Kid. other people can kiss my ass.
i agree with what heidi says, i hope tomorrow is better xx
It's horrible the way these things just come on isn't it? One minute everything is fine and then the next minute you can't control anything anymore.
I hope you feel better today.
It's amazingly brave of you that you pursue stage performing when you've got social anxiety. For your sake, I hope you do find an effective coping mechanism.
Crying works, though. It releases pressure.
Geez girl, that sucks. I hope the burn's OK and that you're OK! Come party with me. We can get shitastic. :)
So need that escape right now.
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