I couldn't deal with it. I didn't have time. So I shoved it aside.
He broke up with me.
And he wasn't wrong to.
I'm not what he wanted. I'm not willing to be engaged-to-be-engaged. I'm not willing to make plans for two years from now that include him.
He called me a few days later and just verbally abused me for like an hour. He wants closure, I think. Or he wants to get back together, but he wants me to change first.
He thinks I prioritize my life in an unhealthy fashion. He wants to help.
I told him no thank you, I'm fine, I'm not broken, I don't need your help.
He said that, as a Christian, I should know better than to be prideful and think that I'm perfect and that no one can help me.
I said that even if I did need help, he is NOT the person that can help me.
I said I needed at least a week. A week without talking to him. I needed distance first.
He e-mailed me the next day, apologizing for driving me away and weakening our relationship. He said he hates himself.
I didn't respond. It felt cold and heartless, but I said I needed that week, and I was sure going to take it.
But then I had auditions. And I didn't deal with my emotions. And because I didn't give my emotions the respect that they deserve, now I can't control them. I'm cool, calm, happy, and fine most of the time, and then suddenly I'm angry with everyone or about to cry.
Today is a week. I should call him today. I said I would.
My friends have forbidden me from doing so. They think it's unhealthy. They think I need to take care of myself first.
They don't care that he's depressed, or that this is the worst his life has ever been, or that he blames himself, or that I still care deeply about him and still can't entirely believe that he broke up with me.
So it's 7:30pm and I haven't called him. Maybe I won't. Maybe I shouldn't.
Maybe I'll write him an e-mail.
Or maybe I'll just keep away from him until I figure me out first.
May you give your emotions the respect they reserve.
~A~
Monday, September 21, 2009
Regarding the Break Up
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12 comments:
Wait, he broke up with you, and then HE got mad at you for not being what he wanted/expected you to be?
If there's one thing I've learned in my academic and professional life, it's the value of a timely request for extension. Say you haven't forgotten about him but you need some more time. If he can't respect that, then that tells you all you need to know.
Agree with the second comment, I think an email telling him u need time extension is wise.
Sure he made a mistake breaking up with you and freaked out about it when you're not ready for something he's willing to commit at, but I don't think he's some jerk that hurts you for doing bad stuff and deserves to be ignored for long period of time especially since you said you still care for him.
Ignore him only if u are sure u want nothing else to do with him, Angela. Just my suggestion, people tend to really fade away when they feel all hope is gone.
Um, yeah. What Angela said. He doesn't get to be mad at you right now. Only at himself. And it sounds like he is. But that doesn't mean that you should fix it. Or him.
And for what it's worth, I think your priorities are grand, and he's being selfish and unChristian (since he went there) to want you to change.
So... there. Love you, babe.
I've been on the other end of this recently and the guy I was seeing couldn't really commit to me for similar reasons that you mention here - but I accepted that. It's weird how your ex can't.
Hope you make the decision that is right for YOU anyway. Good luck. :)
I guess I'm going to be the lone advocate for the other side.
I am in a situation eerily similar to Daniel's - I love someone, but his life is a mess, emotionally. I know he cares about me, but he can't commit right now because he has tons of things to deal with before he is whole enough of a person to share himself with someone else. On top of that, he has to prioritize school right now, so not only does he not have time for anyone, including me, but he doesn't really have much time to work on himself, though he is getting therapy. In general, he knows that he has unhealthy ways of dealing with stress - academic and emotional - namely that he pushes everyone away, even those who love and care for him. He isolates himself, but when the going gets really tough, he comes back and looks for someone to bolster or comfort him; in a lot of ways, he uses the resources I offer him, but isn't able to offer many back. He's working on it, I'll give him credit for that, but it's just not quite fast enough to save what we have.
So, trying to look at it from Daniel's perspective, even without knowing exactly what he said, I would venture that his reactions - ending it, then getting angry, and then feeling miserable - are all because he took a huge gamble and lost. He decided to put an ultimatum on the table - either you make some changes, or he leaves - and when you didn't acquiesce, he had to make good on his threat: he left. He didn't want to, this was not the intended outcome, so that's why he got angry and essentially blamed you for making him do something he didn't want and for not reacting the way he hoped you would. Then, of course, he felt overwhelming guilt because his tirade just pushed you further away.
Does any of this make him right? No. Does it make him human? Yes. Is it understandable? Maybe not to most people, but I certainly get it. It's a kind of devotion that some people show when they really care about another person and want for all the world to make it work.
Please don't blame him as an irrational freak. But please do make some effort to contact him - I guarantee he's been glued to his phone and email all week - and let him off the hook. It sounds like you aren't going to come around any time soon, and he should know that. Just be honest. It won't be what he wants to hear, but all you can do is tell him how you feel, and if it's over, it's over. He might choose to pine away for you and hope that you'll change your mind, but if you've told him that you're not on the same page with him and that you don't expect to be there any time soon, then it's his prerogative to move on or not. You can't make him, but you can give him the opportunity to realize that waiting is probably futile.
Sorry for the super long comment and good luck.
You take care of yourself and I'll put in a good word at Holy Name tonight.
i say you focus on yourself first, no need to rush back into communication if you don't feel right about it. he ended it so he should be okay waiting a bit longer.
Don't call, girl. Just don't.
can't comment much on right/wrong of the breakup, but if you said you'd call... well then call! I can respect people who tell me things I don't want to hear, but I don't respect people who don't follow through on things. -- kendrick
Breakups are never easy. However, each situation is largely subjective -- just because you shouldn't call him doesn't mean you won't.
Just know that in a complicated mess like the one you've got that neither of you should play the blame game. And that in itself is its own challenge. Once nobody is blaming another, then a civil talk is possible.
I'm sorry Angela! Breakups are so difficult for both parties. Stay true to your heart and you will pull through.
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