The Good News

(Me as Vittoria, my Commedia dell'Arte character for Movement class. 04/24/10)

I am officially done with classes. Which is crazy. I've been in a pattern for the last two years of my life that is about to change drastically, and I feel somewhat thrown by that.

Of course, I have another year at my Conservatory (during which I'll be acting in the Cool Regional Theatre, instead of taking classes). And before that, I'll be in classes in London for 6 weeks. But that's so not the same thing.

My super-secret callback for that pre-Broadway musical run? It went HORRENDOUSLY badly. Embarrassingly badly. I won't go into the whole story, but let it suffice to say that after singing, they didn't even keep me around to read the sides from the script that they had asked me to prepare. It was bad. And it made my self-esteem sink to a level even lower than my norm.

But then yesterday, I got my casting for the season.

My self-esteem has bounced back as a result. I'm just fine.

Unfortunately, after a couple of my classmates and I posted our casting on facebook, I promptly received 4 (FOUR!!!) e-mails from people who work at the theatre asking me to remove it from my profile (with degrees of tone varying from polite-yet-stern to scalding-veiled-threat). Why they didn't tell us that the casting was confidential when they gave it to us is beyond me. (Especially as they usually make a point to tell me if there's something that I can't put in my blog... which, fortunately for them, I hadn't done with my casting yet.)

So I deleted my casting from my facebook status. But when I ran into the head of my program today, he yelled at me about it once more. Even though I had already taken it down. You know, in case the FOUR E-MAILS I had received hadn't properly conveyed the severity of my misstep. *sigh*

But I do have a good season. I may not have gotten into the musical, but I did get a great role. In fact, I got exactly the wish that I sent To the Universe. And on top of the great role that I got, I'm also in the ensembles of two other shows, and I'm going to be in a new play festival in some as-yet-to-be-determined capacity.

In short, I'll quote Natalie Imbruglia when she won the MTV Video Music Award for Best New Artist in 1998:

I am a very happy bunny.

(\ (\
(='-')
(_")")

Sadly, I cannot say the same for all of my classmates. I'm not positive that I've heard/remembered everything correctly, but I think the breakdown* is:

- One girl has 2 leads and 1 supporting role. (yeah, she totally cleaned up... but she's fiercely talented)
- One boy has 1 lead, and is in the super-awesome-pre-Broadway musical (but his role is TBA).
- One boy has 1 lead, 1 supporting role, and 2 ensemble roles.
- I have 1 lead, and 2 ensemble roles.
- One boy has 1 lead, and 2 ensemble roles
- One girl has 1 lead, and 1 ensemble role.
- Three boys have 1 supporting role and 3 ensemble roles.
- One girl has 3 ensemble roles. (which sucks, and I don't fully understand why it happened)
- (And one girl hasn't gotten her casting yet... but based on what we haven't heard casting for yet, I'm going to guess that she has 2 leads, and 1 ensemble)

*(Note: If I wrote "lead", it means they fall somewhere between "awesome, good-sized role" to "star of the play". If I wrote "supporting" it means "character with a name". If I wrote "ensemble" in means that they were told something like "maid", "lady", "servant", "ensemble", or "chorus" in their casting meetings.)

Actually, when I break it down like that, my stuff doesn't look quite as exciting as it actually is to me. But trust me, I AM EXCITED. (ETA: Also, in comparison to the class ahead of us, my class fared better on average.)

And you know what? It's hard to be excited when you're around people who are disappointed. Especially when those people are ones whom you love, care about, and believe in.

I know what they're going through, because I went through it this year. I know what it feels like to be given a mediocre-to-weak season while surrounded by people who got great ones. I know how it makes you question yourself, and your talent, and your reputation. It makes you wonder how others perceive you, and makes you want to defend yourself. It puts you in a position of continually seeking validation. And that sucks.

I spent so much of yesterday worried about the disappointed people I love, that I actually took very little time to revel in my own luck and success. Also, it doesn't feel real yet.

It's funny; doing badly in my musical callback shook up my world. But great casting brought me to a state of relief more than one of joy.

Maybe it's just that I've regained equilibrium.

Or maybe failure is more immediately tangible than success.

Or maybe I can't process the happiness because of the melancholy around me.

But I am content.

And relieved.

And proud.

And validated.

Yes. And I'll take it.

May the good outweigh the bad in the end.

And may the sadness of others never prevent you from feeling joy.

~A~