I like to think of myself as funny. And I'm lucky, because generally when I say funny things, I'm around people who appreciate them. But here are three memorable occurrences when the audience did not recognize my pun-wielding genius. (Leave your laughs and groans in the comments, please.)
1. Last week, I was working on set. I won't get into the complicated explanations of what all the crew job titles are, and who is the boss of whom (although I do know what things like "Dolly Grip" and "Best Boy Electric" mean now when I watch the end credits of movies). But basically...
Half of what happens on set (maybe more than half, actually) on any given day is people trying to control light. Seriously. Light. Like half of the crew (and there are a ton of crew people) are people whose sole jobs are trying to control light in various ways. There is a job called Director of Photography (also sometimes called a Cinematographer), who is basically the Ruler of Cameras and Lights. And then he has two dudes right underneath him (Gaffer and Key Grip) who go about doing things with the lights to create the light that he wants. And then each of those guys have a whole team of guys (lamp operators and grips, and also a light board operator and special effects guys who deal with smoke and water) to change the light.
Anyway. One day, I noticed that it was taking three grips to do one seemingly simple job (they were hanging up something in front of a light in order to adjust the flow and bounce of the light).
Important note: Their names were Miles, Chris, and Ismael (who goes by Ish).
So I went up to the Key Grip (their boss -- who is a very good-natured, joke-loving fellow).
Me: Why is it taking three guys to hang that black wrap?
Key Grip: *shrugs* It's a union set. What do you want from me?
Me: But couldn't one guy do that?
Key Grip: I've got all of them. I figured I might as well use them.
Me: All three?
Key Grip: Yeah. Does that seem greedy?
Me: Give you an Ish, and you'll take a Miles.
He smiled. But no laughter. Seriously, thought it was one of the funniest things I've ever said in my life. So disappointed.
2. On New Years Eve (just this past year), I went to three parties. I only knew one attendee of party #2, my friend Bill, who was introducing me to everyone. A guy came up to us who was significantly older than both Bill and everyone else at the party.
Me: So how do you know Bill?
Bill: He's kind of like my godfather.
Older Guy: Stop saying that. They wanted me to be his godfather, but I didn't want the responsibility, so I turned them down.
Me: I thought the Godfather was an offer you couldn't refuse.
No one laughed.
3. This one is the most tragically overlooked brilliant thing I've ever said ever, and it has haunted me for a decade.
In November 2003, I was studying abroad in Italy. I had a wacky Italian art history professor named Professoressa Barbieri, whose English was hilarious. I actually made a "Barbieri Dictionary" (that rhymes) to capture both her strange phonetic pronunciations and bizarre usages. But that's not really part of this story.
One day in class, she decided to take us on a walking tour around part of Rome to try to apply the knowledge that we had gained. We went to an old church full of Caravaggio paintings, and you had to put coins into machines next to each painting in order to briefly illuminate them. It was the artistic equivalent of the motel room vibrating bed. Those tacky Italians.
When we hit the next church on our tour, we stopped before going up the front steps because an obnoxious and histrionic beggar woman was harassing all who tried to enter. So we stood en masse in the cobblestone street, as the lecture continued. Professoressa Barbieri drew our attention to the architectural details like the "turrets" (although she might have been saying any number of things with that accent of hers... "torrents", "ferrets", and "thermoses" all spring to mind as possibilities). But we didn't hear much because of the uncomfortable moaning sounds coming out of the beggar woman.
Professoressa Barbieri: Does anyone have a guess on the time period for this church?
Over-eager classmate: It's from the Renaissance!
Me: Yeah, but I think that woman is Baroque.
No one laughed. But I did get some strange looks from my classmates.
End scene.
1. Last week, I was working on set. I won't get into the complicated explanations of what all the crew job titles are, and who is the boss of whom (although I do know what things like "Dolly Grip" and "Best Boy Electric" mean now when I watch the end credits of movies). But basically...
Half of what happens on set (maybe more than half, actually) on any given day is people trying to control light. Seriously. Light. Like half of the crew (and there are a ton of crew people) are people whose sole jobs are trying to control light in various ways. There is a job called Director of Photography (also sometimes called a Cinematographer), who is basically the Ruler of Cameras and Lights. And then he has two dudes right underneath him (Gaffer and Key Grip) who go about doing things with the lights to create the light that he wants. And then each of those guys have a whole team of guys (lamp operators and grips, and also a light board operator and special effects guys who deal with smoke and water) to change the light.
Anyway. One day, I noticed that it was taking three grips to do one seemingly simple job (they were hanging up something in front of a light in order to adjust the flow and bounce of the light).
Important note: Their names were Miles, Chris, and Ismael (who goes by Ish).
So I went up to the Key Grip (their boss -- who is a very good-natured, joke-loving fellow).
Me: Why is it taking three guys to hang that black wrap?
Key Grip: *shrugs* It's a union set. What do you want from me?
Me: But couldn't one guy do that?
Key Grip: I've got all of them. I figured I might as well use them.
Me: All three?
Key Grip: Yeah. Does that seem greedy?
Me: Give you an Ish, and you'll take a Miles.
He smiled. But no laughter. Seriously, thought it was one of the funniest things I've ever said in my life. So disappointed.
2. On New Years Eve (just this past year), I went to three parties. I only knew one attendee of party #2, my friend Bill, who was introducing me to everyone. A guy came up to us who was significantly older than both Bill and everyone else at the party.
Me: So how do you know Bill?
Bill: He's kind of like my godfather.
Older Guy: Stop saying that. They wanted me to be his godfather, but I didn't want the responsibility, so I turned them down.
Me: I thought the Godfather was an offer you couldn't refuse.
No one laughed.
3. This one is the most tragically overlooked brilliant thing I've ever said ever, and it has haunted me for a decade.
In November 2003, I was studying abroad in Italy. I had a wacky Italian art history professor named Professoressa Barbieri, whose English was hilarious. I actually made a "Barbieri Dictionary" (that rhymes) to capture both her strange phonetic pronunciations and bizarre usages. But that's not really part of this story.
One day in class, she decided to take us on a walking tour around part of Rome to try to apply the knowledge that we had gained. We went to an old church full of Caravaggio paintings, and you had to put coins into machines next to each painting in order to briefly illuminate them. It was the artistic equivalent of the motel room vibrating bed. Those tacky Italians.
When we hit the next church on our tour, we stopped before going up the front steps because an obnoxious and histrionic beggar woman was harassing all who tried to enter. So we stood en masse in the cobblestone street, as the lecture continued. Professoressa Barbieri drew our attention to the architectural details like the "turrets" (although she might have been saying any number of things with that accent of hers... "torrents", "ferrets", and "thermoses" all spring to mind as possibilities). But we didn't hear much because of the uncomfortable moaning sounds coming out of the beggar woman.
Professoressa Barbieri: Does anyone have a guess on the time period for this church?
Over-eager classmate: It's from the Renaissance!
Me: Yeah, but I think that woman is Baroque.
No one laughed. But I did get some strange looks from my classmates.
End scene.
2 comments:
So, my question is, how do you know so many people who are dead inside? ;)
Also my life seems to be more under control (TENTATIVE) these days, I will definitely laugh at your jokes should we plan a hangout again.
God, I absolutely HATE that.... it's happened to me so many times.
The worst thing is when you try to EXPLAIN it.... I'm guilty of doing that one. But even if they laugh after you explain it, then it doesn't really count does it.
To be honest though, i think in your first story the guy appreciated the joke. Maybe he's just not a laugh out loud sort of bloke?
Post a Comment