I often type with my eyes closed. Does anyone else do that? Or if not closed, then at least looking away from the screen. I look at the ceiling, or the wall, or my legs. If I watch my hands as they work, or the words as they leap onto the screen, I think I'd be less likely to be able to write as freely as I do. I'm less likely to censor myself when I'm staying in my head. It's a trick I used heavily during NaNoWriMo, and I've grown to like it. (Of course, I think people think I'm nuts whenever I work on my novel in coffee shops... oh well.)
There are so many things on my mind, but I just don't know how to compose my thoughts. That's right; me. Unable to write. Go figure. But the thoughts are there. Tangled, and stuck somehow.
One is that things aren't going to work out the way I wanted them to.
Two is that I'm not sure I want what I thought I wanted.
Three is that I want to cancel several plans I've made.
Four is that I have too much to do, and I can't do it.
Five is that I'm avoiding so many things that I'm bored as a result.
Six is that it's a good thing I don't easily succumb to jealousy.
Seven is that I think most people underestimate me.
Eight is that I think most people overestimate themselves (but I don't think I'm one of them... hypocritical, I know).
Nine is that I hate how stereotypically female I can be sometimes.
Ten is that I'm not the romantic sort, and I don't think I ever will be.
Eleven is that I'm sick of writing (and I'm beginning to wonder if I suck at it).
Twelve is that I can't write about the things I want to write about, and that only makes me want to write about them more.
I think the most frustrating thing in the world is Twelve, and it's the reason that I'm not writing most of the other numbers.
There are things that I so desperately want to discuss, but I'm smart enough not to do so on a public forum. I hate that. Most are things that I'd have no problem mentioning in person, but the written word seems exponentially more dangerous than the spoken one. And so I leave things unwritten.
Self-censorship is a tricky lesson to learn.
And even when you know it's a good idea, it doesn't make you less grumpy about it.
Why, oh why, do I blog under my real name? Why am I so easily findable through search engines? Why didn't I have the foresight to not tell anyone that I was starting a blog?
I just have so many thoughts that I want to release. And this has been my outlet. And when it can't be... It's upsetting.
Earlier this week, another blogger (one I don't read as much as I should... it's a solid blog) broached one of the subjects that I wish I felt I could. And it just upset me more.
*sigh*
But even the things I can discuss of that list... I shouldn't. Or I don't want to.
So here I am, the 18-wheeler crammed beneath the underpass. And here you are, reading worthless words. Ah well. Maybe next time.
May you be better at untangling your words than I am.
~A~
P.S. I recently watched the movie Dan in Real Life, and I loved it. But even more than the movie, I LOVED the soundtrack. It was done by a man named Sondre Lerche (SAHN-dreh LAIR-kay, from what I can tell). And it's fantastic. Check out some of it on my playlist above. Particularly "My Hands Are Shaking" and "To Be Surprised", which are probably my favorites. But it's all good.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Censored
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9 comments:
Oh I completely get what your talking about. Sometimes I want to just blog about what I really want to but mainly due to certain real life people wont. Not necessarily because it is about them, but because it is my thoughts and feelings and I don't want to expose them. I have thought about starting up a second blog to remain anon and do this, but the lazyness that is me takes over and instead I comment to you about it. :)
To answer the first question. I have to watch the words when I type and sometimes the keys. Otherwise it ends up looking like this: hekki mt name iss cherly.
In response to eleven--no, you don't suck at thes.
Mu.
its what cow's go.
It is also the concept of becoming nothingness, embracing the void. Distorting your personality and living for the moment . . .
but yeah its what cow's go.
everyone has life to deal with.
Best not to worry about it.
I'm going to try to write like that today.
Also, I was JUST at the video store and thought about renting that movie. I even said, 'hey, we should rent that movie.' But nobody concurred, so we didn't.
Now to watch it online at davidmovie.
1. You never type useless words.
2. typing without looking is a true talent
3. I have been feeling like you on about ten things on your list.
I have the same problem when it comes to writing about things that could get me in trouble. I instead write about the feelings and not the actions that caused the feelings. So far it's worked out for me, no one has left me angry comments/emails/phone calls.
*knocks on wood*
One day (probably soon) I'll start an anonymous blog where I can express all of these things. And I'll write it like fiction... but it won't be.
angela! you hardly type useless words!!!!!!!
::hug::
To Nat - For me, it's personal information that just really isn't anyone's business (and by "anyone", I mean certain people I know in real life who read this). I've considered the second blog thing, but I don't think it's for me. Too much to keep up with.
To Cheryl - Haha. I'm glad you don't type that way then. And thanks.
To io0011 - What?
To pixelation - Dude. Just checked out davidmovie... So glad to know that exists! Thanks for the heads up.
To Tipp - 1. Thanks. 2. Thanks, but it's really just a matter of muscle memory. 3. Always nice to know I'm not alone.
To Rachel - Writing about emotions is the clever way to do it. Interestingly, a character in the novel I'm writing claims to do precisely the same thing. Wonder why I don't take my own (fictional) advice.
To Renee - Genius
To Alexa - Thanks! :hug back:
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