Answers Written by My Heart

To start off, here are some "real life" pictures of me that my boss took with her iPhone.
That would be me, candid and gleeful.

What could be making me laugh this hard? A little something I found on this list of worst album covers. (#17)


I made it into my desktop background yesterday afternoon. And then I started cracking up again when I was shutting down my computer. And again when I booted up this morning. And again when I shut down today. And again now, as I was uploading these pictures. THAT is how funny I think it is. I don't remember the last time I laughed that hard. I couldn't breathe. It felt incredible.


I don't know what it is that hits my funny bone so hard. I think it's just that he looks so darn happy! He's a happy flasher! And he's asking people to buy his album and expose themselves to him! AND to Cajun music! And the bright colors just really bring it to life... He's not an attractive man. And he's wearing a cowboy hat! BAREFOOT! (Oh, man, I'm cracking up again.)

Moving on...

Today, I stair-climbed a total of 48 flights up and 38 flights down in my skyscraper workplace. And that's on CONCRETE, baby. And skyscraper floors are taller than apartment building floors, I've learned... I did an additional 10 apartment floors up and 10 down as well. I'm awesome.

One more thing I did today? Went to Looptopia by my lonesome (sadly, Jenn had to back out due to weather concerns). And I got this:
Awesome, isn't it? I had people stopping me on the street complimenting it. When I told them that a woman hand-painted it on my arm on the first floor of Macy's, they were ALL surprised. In person, it apparently looks like a real tattoo (I guess they didn't notice the glitter). She painted it in about 3 minutes. It was unreal. And it's completely sweet. Love it!

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I'd like to thank everyone who left me questions on the last post. I was sorta worried I wouldn't get any... But I did! A bunch! And some really great ones, too!

I will now attempt to answer them all to the best of my ability.


When you see yourself in the future (as a ‘grown-up’) are you happy in your visions? Why? What is it that makes you happy, or not, in those imaginings? (Kateless)

To be honest, I don't envision myself in the future very often. At all, really. Maybe it's because of those recurring dreams I had as a child that I would die at 27 (as I explained in Fateful Birthdays). Maybe some part of me doesn't believe I have much longer, so there's no point in imagining a future that won't exist. (Morbid, I know.)

But if I were to imagine myself in the future? I imagine things going one of two ways.

1. I get what I want, and I'm happy.

2. I don't get what I want. I convince myself that I'm happy.

I don't picture myself being unhappy. Casually disappointed, perhaps, but not unhappy. After all, everything happens for a reason. And I have this feeling that if I don't end up where I want to be at present, it's because life will bring me down some other path. I think I'd be happy with that.


What is your dream role – that you could do only once on stage? And secondly, what role would you love doing on a recurring basis (as in a long-running show – or even a show that travels)? (Nilsa S.)

I actually have lists in my "Book of Lists" on this subject. Roles I'd love to play. One list in musicals, one in plays.

If I were only going to play a role once? I think I'd go with Vivian M. Bearing in W;t. I'm not old enough to play her yet, but I'd love to one day. She's an English Professor and John Donne scholar who is dying of ovarian cancer. It's really a phenomenal play, and she is both the main character and the narrator. I can think of no role that I'd like to play more. But I don't think I'd want to do it for a long run. Too exhausting.

As for a role to play over and over again... I think I'd rather like to be Helena in A Midsummer Night's Dream. It's such a delightful play that I think it'd be lovely to do a long run of it. And Helena is an extremely passionate character. I think my psycho-physical rhythm fits her rather nicely. She is, after all, a bit of a spaz.

If the questions were applied to musical theatre... For one performance, I'd love to be Fantine in Les Miserables. I think I could do a particularly stirring rendition of "I Dreamed a Dream" if given a chance. And I do love to rule over the low notes down in the "but the tigers come at night" bridge (yay for Alto IIs!).

For the long run, I'd go with Domina from A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum. I'm not old enough for the role yet, but I think I'm destined to play her one day, and I'm going to rock it. She's egotistical, horny, aggressive, and completely bi-polar. Inhabiting her on a nightly basis would be a hoot.


Can you recall your favorite day, and why was it so special? (Alexa)

This question was tricky to answer. It's hard to think of a favorite day. Mentally, I just go backwards to recent great days.

And then there are days that I know are beautiful in my memory now, but might not always seem that way as circumstances change. Times I spent with Ex #1 seemed greater when I was dating him than they seem upon reflection now.

I had a particularly lovely night last August sitting in my car in a Steak & Shake parking lot until past 5am. It was the night I really started to know Brian. I can say at this moment, that night and the night after it were two of the best nights of my whole life. But if someday Brian and I part ways, I'm sure those nights will slowly fade from memory.

Actually, I can think of one more favorite memory. I was a junior in college. I was supposed to go to a concert with some of my friends (Blessid Union of Souls was playing on my campus), but I had a European geography test the next day in my Humanistic Studies class that I KNEW I was going to bomb. I decided not to go. And my friend Greg skipped the concert and showed up at my dorm with maps in hand to help me study. He spent hours drawing maps of Europe with crayons while laying on the floor of my dorm room. He taught me mnemonic devices about the "Fresh Prince of Bel-Aire" coming on after "Frasier" (to explain where Belarus was in relation to the Ukraine... Get it?) Knowing that I had a friend who cared that much about me... That was pretty special. It wasn't a full day, but that event was so special that it was one of the best days I've ever had.


Do you like creamy or crunchy peanut butter? (Alexa)

Usually creamy. And in sandwiches, definitely creamy. But every so often, I get a massive craving for crunchy.


What are you looking forward to the most about your move? (Jenn)

Having a sense of purpose again. I don't have that here. I feel like I'm just floating along in the world until something else comes along. And now, at least I know that something else IS coming along. Once I'm in grad school, I know I'm going to be worked to the bone and completely burnt out most of the time. But I'm looking forward to that. It'll be better than what I'm doing now. I feel like I'm just wasting time right now.


Will you send me a postcard? (Jenn)

Um, YES! Of course!


Are we ever going to meet before you move away? (Carrie Lea)

I really hope so! I think that I'll be having some sort of Going Away Party before I leave. If nothing else, you're invited to that!


What is your biggest regret? (Carrie Lea)

It's rare that I tell this story, but I'll do it for you.

My father went to the University of Michigan for undergrad. When the time came for me to apply for college, he desperately wanted me to apply there. My high school guidance office had this official rubric for the UofM application, so that you could see how likely it was that you'd get in (so that you didn't have to waste your time if you weren't up to snuff, I guess). I filled in my information, and it was clear that I was going to get in (I had a pretty good GPA, tons of extra-curriculars, and high standardized test scores... plus, I was a legacy).

But I didn't want to go. I knew that UofM had rolling admissions... So I kept putting off the application. I think I finally mailed it in at the end of February. And my plan worked. I didn't get in.

I think my dad was heart-broken. He's never said so, and I know he would vehemently deny it if asked, saying how proud he is of me. He's the smartest person I know (no, seriously, I'm not just saying that because he's my dad -- the man is a genius). I think he hoped that he'd passed that down to his kids. And he DID pass it down to me. I'm the kid who got a 98 on her lab practical final in college biology, despite being a theatre major. I'm the kid who is most likely to be able to guess the composer when he plays classical music on the piano. I'm the kid who remembers all the trivia my dad spouts out when we travel (in Chicago, he pointed out that the Allerton Hotel used to be the tallest building in the city, and that "Wolfram Rd" is named after the German word for the element Tungsten). But I think that getting into his Alma Mater would've proved something to him that I don't have the opportunity to prove anymore.

In retrospect, I don't think he would've forced me to go there. But I was in high school, and I felt a lot of pressure from my parents at the time. I think my dad just wanted to know that one of his kids COULD go there. That we had the option. And between my brothers and I, he knew that I was the one who could get in (my brothers are both incredibly smart guys, but they didn't look as good on paper as I did).

Maybe on some level I was afraid I wouldn't get in. That I might disappoint my dad. And by putting off applying until February, I would have an excuse. So that now I can say, "THAT was the reason I didn't get in. Not because I wasn't good enough. Just because I mailed it in too late." Maybe it was just a way of protecting myself... And my dad.

There. That's the biggest regret I can think of. I regret not mailing that application in September. I regret ignoring a way that I could've made my dad proud because I couldn't see beyond my own wants. And I regret being too afraid to try.


If you were to die in a week, what would your legacy be, and is that a satisfactory legacy? (dkdisch)

Huh. That's tough. If I die in a week, I think all I leave behind are memories. People who would say that I was quirky, funny, hyper, and marched to my own drummer. People would say that I was talented, had a lot of potential, and would've gone on to do great things (because that's what you always say when a young person dies, regardless of validity... no one is going to try to prove you wrong).

I'm proud of the work I've done as an actor, but by its nature it is fleeting, impermanent glory. Not much to call a legacy. Frankly, this blog is more permanent than anything I've ever done in theatre. And seeing as how my last blog was completely erased in one fell swoop (R.I.P. Diary-X), I'm painfully aware of the fact that this is going to disappear sooner or later as well.

I think that my legacy is more in how I have had an impact on others. I've been a friend. I've listened. I've advised. I've cheered. I've played the court jester for the sake of others' psyches more times than I've been comfortable with. Admittedly, all these things seem minor, but I believe they've made a difference in the moment.

As to whether it's a satisfactory legacy... I don't really care. Once I'm dead, I don't need to have some lasting impact on society. I don't need to be remembered 100 years from now. So I guess, yes. It's satisfactory to me, if only because I don't crave being immortalized.


Do you prefer to take pictures or be in them? (Stranger Danger)

Oooh. I like them both for incredibly different reasons... I think this one depends on the day. If I feel particularly good about the way I look on a given day, then I'd rather be in them. If I look like I do on a normal day, I'd probably prefer to be behind the camera as opposed to in front of it. Taking pictures of other people. It always makes me happy.


What song would be playing in your version of Hell? (Tipp)

My first instinct was to say "Beautiful Day" by U2, which always makes me feel sorta seasick for some unknown reason. Next, I thought of "Justify My Love" by Madonna. Then I thought about Ex #2 making me listen to a combination of Elvis Costello and The Decemberists on a regular basis, and that was pretty distasteful as well. But I'm sure there are worse things. Like Marilyn Manson. Or Twista. Or Paris Hilton. Or "Something Bad" from Wicked. Maybe just a mix of all of the above.


Do these jeans make me look fat? (Pixelation)

I see nothing bad at this angle. From a distance, no problems whatsoever. ;)


Do you in any way feel that your desire to act and be creative is a means of disconnecting yourself from reality? (R.E.H.)

No, I don't think so. If anything, I think it brings me closer to reality.

I know there's a quotation that I should draw on now, but it escapes me... My paraphrase is, "We are never closer to being ourselves than when we are wearing masks."

I've learned a lot about myself from the characters that I've played. When you connect with a character, you learn all the ways you are similar to the character and all the ways you differ.

If ever I use theatre as a form of escapism, it's when I'm an audience member, not when I'm acting.

Tangentially related: I do think that working in the theatre in any capacity gives you a heightened sense of drama in life.


What is your biggest failure? (Heidi Renée)

The immediate things that leap to mind are more "what are your greatest injustices" and "what are you most bitter about" than "biggest failure".

One is a playwriting competition where I made it to the final six, but didn't place (and my play was DEFINITELY better than two of the three that did... comparable to the third).

Another was a role that I deserved to get (I was the PERFECT for it, and everyone knew it. And I totally rocked my audition), but didn't because of the casting pool (I was also the best for a smaller role... and there was no one else who could fill it).

But I don't think that I failed. I blame other people for those things.

Man, I could fill a book just with memories that I'm bitter about.

I guess I'd have to say doing badly in a playwriting class I took my freshman year of college is the closest I can think of, and even that I have to qualify...

I had to get special permission to enter the course as a freshman because it was like a 300-level and I hadn't taken any previous college English courses (I tested out with my AP English score). But they let me in due to the strong background in playwriting I had, having done competitive playwriting in high school (and doing quite well in it). It was a 6-person class, and I believe I was the only one with any experience whatsoever. And I think I ended up with the worst grade.

The reason I say I have to qualify this failure is because it wasn't really my fault that I did poorly; it was a matter of circumstance. It became obvious to me about halfway through the course that my professor and I had extremely different styles. She hated what I was turning in. And the one time she shared her own writing with the class, I didn't get it (NOTE: I won't write what it was because I don't want her to find this... but if you're ever around me in real life ASK ME!!! There's a ridiculous story involved). I don't think she appreciated what I was going for, and I didn't understand what she wanted from me.

Here's an example...

At one point, we were given an assignment to write what she called a "Sister Monologue" -- a monologue opening up to your sister. Except I don't have a sister. So she said to write it to our best friend... but all my closest friends were guys (when I told her that, I think she thought I was just being difficult... I did, after all, attend a women's college). So she told me to make something up.

I worked extraordinarily hard on this assignment, trying to prove myself. I ended up writing three different monologues.

The first was a girl talking to her brother, whom she had been dressing like a girl and treating like a girl for most of his life because she wanted a sister. She had found out that he didn't want to dress like a girl and be her "sister" anymore, and she was bitter but attempting to forgive him. It was dark, creepy, and hilarious. I was incredibly proud of it. It was a fascinating piece, if I do say so myself.

The second was a girl confronting her former best friend, who had verbally abused her and ditched her in favor of a better clique. The girl started off a bit angry and bitter, but ended up thanking the best friend for leaving her. She decided it had made her stronger and given her more character. She realized she was better off not having a friend who would so easily trade her in. It was a bit more raw and emotional than my usual works, and I was pretty pleased with the end result.

The third monologue was to a "sister". It wasn't good. I wrote it only so that I was, in the strictest terms, fulfilling the assignment. I don't even remember the angle of it anymore. It lacked something that the other two had.

So the assignment was due, and I handed all three in. My professor refused to read them all, as she was too busy (there were 6 students in that class, and I'm pretty sure it was the only one she was teaching that semester... but whatever). She said to pick one. We would also be reading one aloud in class for a different part of the assignment. If I remember correctly, I turned in monologue #2 and I read #1 aloud. My classmates LOVED #1. They were all laughing.

When I got my grades back from the assignment, I think I got Cs on both parts. And I remember that on the hard copy of #2, my professor wrote something about having "missed the point of the assignment" and "not understanding the sister bond". NO KIDDING!!!

Anyway. So, I qualify that it was really on the list of "greatest injustices" and "things I'm bitter about", but at the time I really did feel as though I'd failed by doing badly in the class that everyone expected I'd do well in.

(As a side note, that professor and I get along really well now. She's a lovely person. And as an actor, I think she's one of my biggest fans. She and I just weren't a good professor/student match.)


What is your biggest victory? (Heidi Renée)

Getting into grad school.

I'm the first theatre major from my college (as far as anyone can remember) who is going for an MFA in Acting. There are plenty of actors who sprang out of my high school and are doing quite well (including my friend Stephen who is Equity, and my friend Jeffrey who recently appeared as "Todd Jansen, Nellie Yuki's ex-boyfriend" on an episode of Gossip Girl), but none of them have gone to grad school. I feel as though I'm blazing my own trail. And I'm incredibly proud of that. I made a choice based on what I wanted, not what people around me have done. And I worked really hard to get it.


If you could have any superpower what would it be? (Meg Kathleen)

When I was a kid, I had a dream in which I could change my size at will. I could shrink down to being 2 inches tall to eavesdrop. I could grow to 15 feet tall to intimidate. I could be 5'9" for the times I wanted to be a runway model. For years, I wanted that power.

Then for awhile I wanted to have a "save game" function for my life. You know, so that whenever I screwed up I could just "revert to saved" and live that part over again. But then I realized I'd spend too much time trying to get everything perfect. So many good things have happened to me in life as a result of not getting things right. Everything happens for a reason, and to fight that would ruin everything.

Now that I'm older... I'd choose muscle mimicry (like Monica from Heroes). Basically it means that if you see someone do something, then you automatically know how to do it. It's a great power because you're not outwardly a freak. And what a cool gift! Suddenly, I'd be a sensational ballroom dancer, a concert pianist, a karate expert... Dude, I'd finally be able to moonwalk without looking stupid. Who wouldn't want that power?



So, there you are. I hope you've gained even more insight into me than you normally would from reading one of these Olympic-sized posts of mine. And I hope you've enjoyed it.


May you find answers within yourself.

~A~


P.S.
Hahahahahahaha! I hope that never gets old!