Mascara Napkins

You know what's a weird feeling? Crying in public.

Sitting on the stairs of the grey urban jungle outside my office building. Hearing the drilling and horrid mechanical noises emanating from the construction site fifteen feet away. Surrounded by other workers taking their lunch breaks in solitude on the concrete campground. Hoping that none of them can see the tears in my eyes behind my violet-lensed sunglasses. And knowing that they can see them on my cheeks and chin. And wanting to stop, but feeling helpless and unable to.

It's almost as strange a feeling as trying not to cry as I type this, sitting at my desk.

You're the only one who can make me cry. And I know you don't even understand why I'm crying. Not this time.

I bought myself a lunch. I took my laptop outside. I had every intention of having a lovely lunch hour. I've been trying to convince myself that I'm fine. And that I'm overreacting. Because I probably am. But I'm not going to apologize for feeling hurt. That's how I feel.

And I then I called. And then I hung up. And then I cried.

And then I got in an elevator, and a guy I know asked me what was wrong, which is always the last thing I want to hear when I'm trying to calm myself down, because it throws a stick in the floodgates as I'm trying to pull them shut.

The funny thing is, this isn't the first time that someone in my life has done this to me. This is just the first time I've wanted to cry about it.

But I'm not mad at you. I'm upset. And I'm hurt. And I don't understand. And I'm so frustrated by the fact that you don't seem to understand why I'm upset. But I'm not mad.

And I have this bizarre mixture of emotions. Because I care about you too much to ever really be mad at you. And I just want to see you, and hug you, and be around you. But I also want to understand.

Or scream. One or the other.

Damn it. I'm crying again, and I honestly didn't realize it until a tear dripped into my mouth just now. Crying at work. Classy, Angela. And I just blew my nose into a napkin. Yup. Really classy.

I'm wearing my sunglasses at my desk now. I am nothing if not unconventional.

I spent most of yesterday trying to talk myself out of being upset. I bought my favorite pasta for myself at a restaurant that I love and took it home. I watched reruns of LOST that I've already seen. I tried to go to bed early, but I couldn't sleep.

I got up before 5:00am this morning. Yes. That's how torn I am. My insomnia is back in full force. I watched last night's "The Office" and "Lost". I curled my hair, and I did my make-up. I tried to make myself pretty. Even though I'm not going to see you tonight.

It doesn't matter now. My mascara is everywhere. Mostly on the napkins from my uneaten lunch. I'm not going to eat it. I'm not hungry anymore.

My coworker just asked if I'm okay. I told her I was just having a bad day.

Do you see? Do you understand why I'm battling about whether I want to see you? Because I don't know how many chances I'm going to have to be around you, and I don't want to miss them. But I also don't want to ruin them.

I'm working here until 4:45. My call for TnT is at 6:00. I don't have time for this today.

I wish it would rain.

~A~