Absolutely Positive

Hey look! I made the sort of changes on the blog that you would notice without me telling you!

Don't get too comfortable, though. I'm still trying to suss out what it is that I want. I can't decide if I hate what I've just done yet... I think I'm going to give it a chance for a week or so, just to see how I feel... I might end up reverting to exactly what I had before. If you have any thoughts (positive or negative... I don't mind either way), please leave them in the comments section. I was thinking about doing the plaid on a diagonal instead... Is it too busy? I think I miss my old header, but it just didn't match right... I think I need to monkey around with it a bit more.

I promised a dear friend of mine that I'd try to write a wholly positive post this time, as his stratospheric empathy wounds him whenever I do not. So I'll see what I can do (it might have to be a short post... Which is probably for the best, as I have to catch a plane in the wee hours of the morning and I haven't begun to pack). One short(ish), fluffy entry, coming up!

I brought back my playlist. *the crowd goes wild* I just found the song "I Know a Place" by Petula Clark a couple of days ago, and I'm completely ga-ga over it. It's so cheery! I love learning new songs (okay, so it's definitely not new... but it's new to me). The playlist is longer than usual at the moment (I got a little overly exuberant upon its return...), but I'll be weeding stuff out at some point. I think it's best when it's around 30 songs. Right now, it's over 50 (you could drown in a playlist like that!). So if you're the sort of person that likes to put on a playlist on some random person's blog and listen to it for hours at a time, take advantage of it while it lasts.

I had a performance appraisal session with my boss today. Apparently, I'm quite good at my job, and my boss loves me. She referred to me as a "rock star" during the review a few times (and substituted "super star" at least once). If all goes according to plan, I should be getting a raise in April and a bonus in May. Woo-hoo!

I decided the time was right to inform my boss that I might be leaving in the summer to go pursue graduate studies. She seemed disappointed, referred to the news as "bittersweet", and asked if there was any chance I might come back in the summers to work for the company as a temp (no, no there isn't). It's lovely when your work gets recognized.

And things are good with Brian. It has recently been brought to my attention that most people know more about the problems there than the positives. Which makes sense. I often need to vent about the negatives. It's easier to keep the positives to myself. That, and I feel weird writing them. Embarrassed or something. It's especially odd since he occasionally reads this...

My favorite thing about Brian is that he experiences the world unlike anyone else I've ever met. I love that he watches the Disney channel on a regular basis. I love how obsessed he is with Kara DioGuardi and Platinum Weird. I love that he's more idealistic than analytical, cynical little me could ever be.

He believes in me to what seems like an unrealistic level. Sometimes I think he's happier at my successes than I am. He pays me more compliments than I deserve, and as a favor to him I'm learning to accept them with grace.

Everything he says or writes to me is weighted differently from the communication I have with anyone else. When he tells me I'm beautiful, I believe him. A hundred people congratulated me on my grad school interviews, but the words from Brian made me feel about eight times prouder than anyone else's comments. Tons of people told me they knew I could do it, but Brian's voice was the one I heard.

Sometimes he writes things to me, and I feel... I don't know. I feel like my insides are folding onto themselves and lighting a fire, filling me with the sort of warmth you normally only feel when you put on clothes straight from the dryer. He makes me feel giddy. And powerful. And like I'm worth something. Like I'm special.

He tells me I changed his life. The way he tells it, I'm some sort of angel, sent to put him back on the road to the things he wants. I don't know if that's true, but I do believe that everything happens for a reason. God put Brian and I in each other's lives... And in such a way that we can't see each other. I wish I knew the reason for that.

Anyway. Maybe now I don't sound like such a masochist for keeping him in my life. He provides me with something I don't get anywhere else. And yes, it's an imperfect, incomplete sort of excuse for a relationship, but I think he's what I need right now. I don't think we're done learning from each other yet. Whatever it is we have, it is a good thing. I swear.

I should really be packing right now. I have a plane to catch early in the morning... I'm headed down to Florida with my mommy to take a look at a grad school. I'm a little freaked, but mostly psyched. I'm going down to see if I want to enter into a marriage with this school for three years. And if I do? Well, then, I think I'll be proposing very soon.

It's weird that I'm being this decisive. But for some reason, I'm already relatively certain that this is what I want to be doing for the next three years. But I'm going to take my time. I'm not going to choose until I'm positive that this is the right school, the right time, the right choice.

Oh! I just remembered one more thing to be happy about... It's Shamrock Shake season at McDonald's! Although, actually, my first Shamrock Shake of the year was overly minty and somewhat disappointing. It tasted as though one of the employees had dumped a trial size of Scope into my large milkshake (can they even be called milkshakes? I don't think the ones at McDonald's are made with milk... Potato flakes or something... Really, I don't care what they are; they're delicious). A little over-zealous with the mint. And a little too green as well. I'm sure they'll refine the ratio within a few days. At least, I hope so. Because when they're good, they're very, very good. And when they're bad... Well, it would be better to gargle with than to drink.


May you remember to be positive when life begins to drag.
And may you take the time to be positive that what you're doing is right.

~A~