Distant & Uncommitted

First off, I have a few random things to mention.

1. I have dot-commed myself! You can now reach this blog at:

http://www.angelaboration.com

Exciting, isn't it? (Don't worry if your bookmarks/links/readers are tuned to http://angelaboration.blogspot.com; those should still work.) Why the switch? I decided that I love blogging and I'm not going to stop anytime soon. It just felt like it was time.

2. Since I'm settling into the blog, I've also switched up the layout a little bit. Instead of trying to build a new template (which I don't have the mad skillz for) or getting a designer (which I don't have the mad moneyz for), I just messed with the HTML and widgets a bit.

- I widened the main text field (so that my post length seems slightly more digestible).
- I broadened the header (to match the new size... although I learned at work that it looks MONSTROUS with certain screen resolutions... sorry about that).
- I moved the playlist over (so that it doesn't take up so much space).
- I added a "What Is This Blog?" field (because I dig my song-infused bio too much to change it, but it's not a good representation of who I am or what I write).
- I added a link list to some of my own favorite posts (because I'm an egomaniacal narcissist... as most bloggers are).
- I now have two blog-roll lists (because I've made so many new dotcomrades and I wanted to share some link love with them).

So basically, I worked on a lot of things that barely changed anything. And I felt the need to point it out in case it escaped your attention entirely.

3. A new dotcomrade of mine (Erin of PB & Razz) made things she calls "Chocolate Yummies" for the Chicago Blogger Meet-Up. They were delicious, and she's posted the recipe (with pictures!). Go steal it!

4. In the days directly following, the meet-up (when the attendees were all cross-linking and referencing each other), my hits SOARED!!! Two record-breaking days in a row. I average in the 20s or 30s per day (which I think is pretty awesome, since I don't update daily). One day last week, the hits dipped to 14. My previous high? A big 66, which I think was a result of NaBloPoMo (and the seemingly defunct "Randomizer" it hosted). The day after the meet-up? I got 85 hits. 85!!!! And the day after that? 115!!!!! Holy cow, I'm famous! Since then, it's dropped off significantly, but I'm thrilled to have had that traffic. I blog for me, not for readers, but it's still nice to feel loved by an invisible audience.

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And now, for the real post.

I haven't gotten any other grad school offers as of yet, but I know why. The other two schools that I adore asked me to apply. And I haven't applied yet. I know, I know. I've got to get on it. The offers period is short, and they're the kinds of schools that people would jump at a chance to go to.

So why am I not on the ball?

I'm having trouble acquiring the requisite recommendation letters.

It's hard even to ask for them. It might be easier if I could ask in person. Or if people actually answered their telephones. But it's tremble-inducing to ask in a voicemail. And an email request seems too easy to ignore or say no to. And all the people I'm trying to ask are INSANELY busy (who isn't?), which makes it feel like I'm inconveniencing them. So I've been leaving voicemails asking if I can put them down as references, saying nothing about the letters I intend to beg from them. I figured that I'd ask for the letters once I'm actually talking with them on the phone.

But there's a problem: I haven't gotten any calls back.

Man, I'm terrified that they're all going to say no.

Why haven't they called back? GAH!

The letters aren't the only problem. There's also the matter of having to write things...

I have to write a "brief statement of purpose" for the one school (the California one), and I'm not even sure what that means. First of all, the word "brief" does not apply to my writing (in case you haven't noticed). Or my speaking. Really, nothing about me is "brief"; that's just not how I operate. And what is this "statement of purpose" they speak of? I guess I'm supposed to write why I want to go pursue graduate studies in acting. That'll be fun.

The other school (the Missouri one) wants two essays, each a page in length (one page??? How am I going to get anything down to ONE PAGE??? Even my "short" blog entries are two pages). Each is supposed to reflect on a significant event in my life; one related to theatre, one not. I think I'm going to plagiarize from my blog (what? It's my own intellectual property. I see nothing wrong with copying and pasting bits from Theatre Changes Everything, for example. Come to think of it, I might do the same for my statement of purpose.)

Frankly, I could easily crank out all three pieces of writing in under an hour. So why haven't I? I don't know. At least a little bit because I feel like it's not worth it to bother if I can't get the letters of recommendation. And a little because I'm worried that I'll put all the effort in and then be heartbroken if I don't get those two offers (which is what happened with a school in Ohio two years ago).

And there's one last reason... I'm resting on my newly acquired laurels.

I feel like I've already succeeded. The school that has already made me an offer is great, and even with offers from the other two schools, I'd probably end up at this one anyway. It's like how you don't do extra-credit work for your Calculus class if you already have an A (unless you're certifiable. Or a Stephen Hawking caliber genius). In a way, it feels like "Senior-itis". It's that feeling of apathy that sets in once you know you're going to hit your goal.

"Offer-itis"

I've got to get over it. All of the above. I know this. And I will. (Please ignore the fact that I'm procrastinating by writing a blog post instead of the other whatnot I should be composing.)

Besides, I think that in order to formally get accepted to the Florida school, I'll have to get letters and write a statement of purpose anyway. Might as well get it all squared away now.

"But, Angela," you might ask, "if this Florida school is so great, why not just accept now?"
(Since a smarter person in my shoes probably would.)

Because I'm indecisive.
Because I'm afraid of commitment.
Because part of me wants to know if I could get other offers.
Because it's hard to make this kind of decision from a distance.

I can't do it without actually seeing the school (or any other schools to compare it with... although I'll be making comparisons to the schools I visited the last time I went through this whole rigamarole). So I'm flying out there a week from Thursday (with my mother... Yes, I brought my mommy to grad school auditions, and now I'm bringing her to visit the grad schools. Don't judge me).

As usual, grad school really isn't the only thing going on in my life. Things have been complicated on the Brian front (because, really, what part of my relationship with Brian hasn't been complicated?).

He said that I try to talk him out of loving me, half hoping that I'll succeed and half hoping that he'll ignore me and go on loving me anyway.

And he's right.

He said I should start trying to get over him.

He's probably right about that, too.

It feels like every couple of weeks, one of us tries to cut off contact with the other in order to take a step back and analyze everything. And you know what? It doesn't help. The most recent attempt was mine, after the long, tearful discussion we had on Saturday night. I didn't even make it three days before calling him again. And the break didn't give me clarity... It just made me miss him.

"But, Angela," you might ask, "if this Brian guy is so great, why not just go for it?"
(Since a smarter person in my shoes probably would.)

Well, probably for similar reasons to the ones I wrote for the last question that you hypothetically asked. (Eerily similar, now that I look at them.)

Besides, he knows as well as I do that this isn't going to work right now.

Brian wants to see me. He thinks one of us should visit the other. I really want to see him (so badly... you have no idea), but I can't help but think that it's a terrible idea. It wouldn't help anything. It would just reinforce how much it sucks that I'm here, he's there, and there's no way to reach out and hug him from this distance. It would just make me want to be around him more, and that's not possible.

And we'd probably get to some awkward place as a result of it, not knowing how to move forward or how to step back. And then everything would get even more screwed up than it is at present.

I shouldn't want to see him. As even he points out, my conversations with Brian are tear-inducing. You're not supposed to go for the guy who makes you cry. Unless it involves tears of joy. Or tears of laughter. But then, I have to wonder... Is it Brian that makes me cry? Or is it the fact that he's so far away? And is crying such a bad thing? I didn't used to think so (see A Little Water Clears Us). It clears us out. It relieves stress. And, perhaps best of all, it forces us to reconnect with our emotions.

Clearly, I have an extreme emotional attachment to him. (How did that happen? He's not even here!) Perhaps the only way to get over that is to cut off contact. A sort of low-tech version of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

But I've tried it. I know it doesn't work.

In this case, "out of sight, out of mind" is wrong.
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is closer to the truth.

Now that I'm resorting to clichés, it's probably time to cut this off.


May you fight your indecision.
May you develop a sense of commitment.
May you find a little motivation and stop resting on your laurels.

~A~


P.S. I watched the entire first season of LOST last week for the first time. Turns out, I totally dig that show. Don't ruin anything for me! I'm a few episodes into the second season, and I'm enjoying myself.

P.P.S. I've been using the word "whatnot" and the phrase "I dig it" a great deal in recent days. No idea why.