Something Better

Every few hours I realize it again.

I really think I'm going to grad school in the fall.

My life is going to be completely uprooted and changed. I'll have to quit my job. I'll have to leave my little hole-in-the-wall apartment. I'll be moving to a state that I'm completely unfamiliar with. I'll probably be living a plane ride away from everyone I love. My life will be consumed by theatre, as I've always hoped it would be. I'll have to work harder than I ever have before. But I know that my passion, dedication, and talent will carry me through. I know that I can do this. I have to do this. I want something better for myself than I have right now.

It's terrifying though. The idea of leaving everything.

Not that I live some sort of ready-made life. But I've never been truly, truly alone before. When I studied abroad, I knew people that were going with me. When I moved out to Chicago, I moved in with a guy I barely knew and another guy I'd never met. But even then, I sort of knew what Chicago was about, and I knew one of my roommates... And I'd known plenty of people who had lived in Chicago already.

But now... Three of the five schools I was interviewed by are intriguing to me. And they're all in places I know nothing about. Places that are no where near anything or anyone I know. And they seem to like me as well.

I really think I'm going to get an offer this time, and not just be left hanging like I was last time. This just feels right.

The waiting is the hardest part. I'm just waiting for an offer (or four) to come in. I want to hop on a plane and visit the schools. But I can't use any more vacation time from work until things start to look serious from these schools... Because if I don't get an offer (God forbid), I have to make my vacation time last until the end of the year. If I do, it only has to last until about July...

It's good that I didn't go to grad school two years ago. I wasn't ready. I had a lot to learn before going. But I'm ready now. And I can't stay here much longer.

Brian said something to me that I have to agree with: there's nothing else I can gain by staying where I am. I've dealt with rejections here. I've discovered how much I truly love Shakespeare. I've learned how to make my own money, pay my own bills, figure out my insurance, plan my 401k, go to the doctor by myself... I've learned how to pretend to be a grown-up. I've learned that my life is not nearly as fulfilling or joyous when I'm not in the theatre. I've learned that what flows through my veins is a solution of passion, creativity, and blood.

I can't get what I need here. I need to get out. Life is... Stagnant. Static. Still. I'm not growing through being here anymore. I've reached a plateau. I need to find the next incline.

I can't sit here waiting for something to happen to me. I have to go find it. I have to get out.

Maybe I'm just saying that because the wind chill put this city into the negative 30s today. Maybe it's because I'm in my apartment with layers of clothing on and freezing because no water seems to be flowing through my radiator. Maybe it's my S.A.D. busting in. But I'm nearing my Chicago expiration date. It's dreary. And cold. And miserable. And so very, very lonely.

Ian came out to visit me this weekend. He thought I was lonely. And depressed. And angry. He wanted to help me talk through some of the things I'm dealing with right now in person as opposed to over the phone. He thought he could help me. And he did. It was a short weekend, made shorter by hassles involving retrieving his car after it was towed. He made me watch Lucky Number Slevin. I made him watch Arrested Development. Good times.

We went to a "games night" party that a friend of mine threw on Saturday night. We played Apples-to-Apples until nearly 4:00am. And then waited in the way-below-freezing cold for an L train that took far too long to arrive. I don't remember the last time I was that cold for that long. I thought we were all going to die before it showed up. And then when Ian and I got to my apartment, it wasn't much warmer. I was shivering for another hour before I could get to sleep, even under a pile of blankets with two pairs of pajamas and a fleece on.

I was glad Ian came. I think he was right. I think I was lonely. I needed there to be someone else here. Someone just to sit with and watch television with. Someone to complain about the weather with. Someone to shiver with. Someone to discuss politics with. Someone to prevent me from sitting in my apartment silently freezing for the majority of my weekend. Someone to help me begin to sort out the problems without solutions. I think he may have saved my sanity. For a little while, at least.

My penless pal Ricky has been incredibly helpful in helping to keep me sane as well. Through our facebook video exchanges, I feel like I'm having face-to-face conversations with someone... even if the reactions are a bit delayed. And he came over last Monday pre-auditions and let me express myself and chill out for a while. It was nice to have him around.

I am lonely.

I'm in this city, surrounded by buildings and people and events and ideas... And I feel so alone. And stuck.

I don't get nearly enough hugs in my life. Or physical closeness in general. And it's not even about wanting to make out with someone or anything like that. It's about almost falling asleep on someone's shoulder between L stops. Or having someone close enough to stroke your hair in silence. Or being able to huddle for warmth in the dead of winter. I want more cuddling in my life. Romantic, platonic, whatever.

Someone recently told me I should buy those sun lamps they sell for people with Seasonal Affected Disorder.

What do they sell for people who suffer for physical attention deprivation?

I need that.

I need something new. Something different. Something better.


May you find something better for yourself.

~A~


P.S. Not really related to this post at all, but there's a great Natalie Imbruglia song called "Something Better" that I like. I'm not sure that it's right for this blog or for my life at the moment, but I've temporarily put it on my ProjectPlaylist. It's about someone staying in a fun-but-imperfect relationship until something better comes along.