Followthrough

Felicitations, dear readers!

I was hesitant to post again for the following reasons:

1. I said I was going to start posting once or twice a week, and I like to keep my word.

2. I said I was going to take a break from writing, and part of me thinks I should.

3. I know that if I write in long form too often, no one will have time to actually keep up with how much I'm writing.

4. I didn't want to bump the information I deem to be "important" from near the top of the page. This includes the Craziest List Contest voting page (my list is "Words And Phrases I Want to Use"). And also the link to my brand new other blog, which I seem to be the only fan of (ah, well. That's the response I expected to get from this blog, which in comparison is wildly popular. One out of two ain't bad.)


And here are the reasons I decided to throw caution to the wind and post again tonight:

1. Yesterday, my blog got a new record number of hits: Sixty (60)!!! You like me! You really, really like me! (I think it was still just a freak product of the NaBloPoMo Randomizer which I don't anticipate will ever be recreated, but it made me leap for joy nonetheless!) And I realize that the more frequently you post, the more frequently people check your site to see if you've posted. And that means more hits. And seeing the line graph on an upward slant? That's like heroin. (Not that I know anything about drugs. Writing is my anti-drug. And actually, even if I didn't write, I wouldn't do drugs. Seeing drug-addicted people and knowing I never want to become that is my real anti-drug.) And also, the more I post, the more people respond... which I LOVE. And maybe I shouldn't admit that because it's so horribly vain, egocentric, and shows just how needy I am. But at least I'm honest.

2. Not-writing is more difficult than writing after my double-dose of insanity-induced word-conjuring last month.

3. I was looking for an excuse to avoid washing dishes.

4. I wanted to make sure I mentioned here how much NaNoWriMo changed my life.

5. I wanted your opinions on the next step in my writing...


And now we move on to the real entry.

NaNoWriMo didn't just alter my life because it was an exhausting, time-consuming, masochistic pain-in-the-neck. See, that's just how it changed my November. But I'm still reaping the benefits from it.

First of all, I've never really committed to anything like that before. I have revelations every so often about hobbies I should take up or things that I should do to improve the quality of my life. And since I love making lists so much, here are a few examples:

- I taught myself to crochet one insomnia-induced-sleepless-night in college, and I thought I would become "a crochet-er". But no. That lasted for about a week and a half before I gave up on it. I made a scarf and a belt (both of which my family's dog later attempted to eat).

- I started writing a book on names (more specifically, what NOT to name a child). But then I moved home from college, disconnected that desktop computer, and never plugged it in again. I sort of gave up on the whole thing, although my younger brother is insistent that I should write it someday (which I think is because he thinks that I'm a screw-up and this book is the only worthwhile thing I've ever considered doing. That, and he's a business major in college right now, so he naturally thinks that anything that I can market and potentially make bank on is a brilliant idea. He thinks it's stupid that I don't put ads on this blog, for example. But really, what's the point of putting ads on? I have a job. I don't need pennies from people clicking on things. And they're ugly. Of course, I put AdSense on my other blog, just so that I can tell him I did and hopefully get him to quit bugging me about it).

- Beads. Every few years, I become completely obsessed with beads and making jewelry. And then the craving for arts and crafts disappears as quickly as it had consumed me. And I'm left with a whole bunch of pretty beads that I never intend to do anything with.

- I had a Belly Dance for Beginners DVD when I studied abroad. For the first couple of weeks, my roommate and I did it every night, like clockwork. Then, she started being "too tired". I kept going for a few more days before caving to the peer pressure (or, really, just the lack of a buddy to do it with).

- A list of majors/minors I had in college that I ended up dropping: Anthropology, Art History, Biology, Business, Communications, Education, English Literature, English Writing, German, Humanistic Studies, Italian, Mathematics, Philosophy, Psychology, Religious Studies, Sociology. Really, it's amazing I graduated in four years (but by changing majors so many times, I accidentally fulfilled the general education requirements of my liberal arts college... it worked out pretty well). Oh, and I considered transferring to another college for either Playwriting or Pre-Dentistry. Why? Oh, just a passing whim.

- Quitting my nail biting. It has been one of my resolutions every year since 1993. I actually made it until February 24th in 2006. I started telling people that "I used to bite my nails." Then, a friend backstabbed me (and I'm sure she didn't realize the extent to which she broke me. She didn't just hurt my feelings; she actually jeopardized my academic career. I cried on the phone to about eight people, all hours that night. And although she and I are friendly toward each other now, I'm not over it. She never apologized, and I seriously doubt that she ever will), and I bit off all my nails out of an overwhelming sense of frustration, a good level of terror, a culmination of stresses, and a need for something comforting and familiar.

- Vegetarianism. I've been doing it for a few weeks now, and I'm still going strong. But really, I know it isn't going to last. I'm sorry, friends who are vegetarians who are rooting me on (thanks, by the way). I like the idea of being a vegetarian, but I just like cow/chicken/turkey/tuna way too much to be able to fathom never having any of them ever again. As it is, I have frozen dinners containing them, Spaghettios with meatballs, and tuna all in my kitchen right now. I'm going to have to eat them eventually (I don't want them to go to waste).

But now that I've done NaNoWriMo, I know that it's possible for me to really commit to something. I can set a completely self-imposed goal and stick to it. Maybe this year I WILL give up nail biting, once and for all. Maybe I will finally write that book. Maybe I will be able to hold out with the vegetarianism for a few more days (it's really shocking that I've made it as far as I have... It was tough to say no to the sloppy joes in the cafeteria yesterday). I have tested my willpower, and I am obviously more tenacious than I ever realized.

Also, I usually suffer from a bit of Seasonal Affected Disorder (S.A.D.). It breaks into full gear in February, but it starts as soon as the weather starts to get cold. But here I am, almost a week into December, and I'm happy. I'm actually enjoying winter. Snow has been coming down like mad the last couple of days, and I've been dancing down the street on my way home from work, smiling like a child. I don't have the normal unsuccessful, untalented, undesirable, worthless, lonely blues. Instead, I feel powerful. I feel like God has blessed me with strength, ability, and opportunity. And I'm downright giddy. Of course, I anticipate that this post-writing glee will melt away long before the snow does, and my weather-induced depression will set in. But I'm enjoying life until it does.

As a side note, I'm listening to my playlist titled "Decemberized", which is not only Christmas music, but also things like "Hazy Shade of Winter" by the Bangles (I have the original, too, but I prefer the Bangles version), "River" by Joni Mitchell, "Frozen" by Madonna, "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice, and "Holiday" by Green Day. Ah, how I love my playlists. (I won't stay in this playlist 24/7 all month, though, because then I'd miss out on things like "Paperweight" by Joshua Radin and Schulyer Fisk, and I couldn't possibly go without that. Too lovely).

Alright, back to the subject at hand.

NaNoWriMo also gave me a chance to interact with people. I mean, I only took advantage of that at the very, very end of the month and the Thank God It's Over party, but I loved it. I've been missing that sort of casual social interaction now that I live alone. And the powerful synergy that was created by the atmosphere of the Write-In made me feel like I was a part of something larger than myself. I need to find new ways to meet people in friendly environments. But that brief period of interaction has certainly contributed to my good mood.

And now I come to the next hurdle... what next?

I have the first 56,000 words of a novel on my hands. And, to be honest, it's really quite terrible. I was focusing on the quantity of words instead of the quality of them (which is precisely the point of this exercise). It's not readable, and there is so much more to go before I'll get to anything close to an ending.





A guy at work asked if he could read it, and I said no. He said, "but you're so proud of it!" I responded with, "yes! I've never been more proud or more embarrassed of anything I've created in my entire life!"

What a strange dichotomy of emotion that is! Getting as far as I have with this thing is a major accomplishment, but that doesn't stop it from being dribble. Contemplating people's reactions to it makes me want to bury my head in the sand. After all, most of the people who want to read it are people who barely know me outside of this blog, if at all. What if those people become disillusioned with me as a result of how truly awful my first real expedition into the land of fiction turns out to be? I can't bear to think of it.

I've considered just stopping. Without the deadline I had before, it'll be tricky to keep myself motivated. And I'm not giving myself a deadline to finish it by. I do know that I need a break. Yes, I know I said the same thing about blogging, but I mean it about novelling.

And then I had this idea about posting my novel in blog form. Maybe posting a bit each week, and turning it into sort of a serial. The first problem with that is that it isn't divided into chapters at the moment, so I have no good way to divide the sections that I would post. The second is that every section would be very long. The third is that it's crap.

I suppose that I could edit it as I go, but I have a feeling that my editing will involve cutting out large portions of text in order to really retool the story. And since the story isn't finished yet, what happens if I post something and then decide that I need it changed in order to serve the end of the story?

Also, there are things I need to take out for... personal reasons. As I've mentioned, I occasionally "mentally cast" people as my characters. And there are a couple of times when the "actor" took over the character a little too much. I need to take out a couple of scenes that are a little too true-to-life, so that the people involved never read them and get suspicious.

If I did blog my story, would anyone read it? I mean, no one is reading my other blog now. I'm going to say that the odds aren't great. But would that be so bad? My story is terrible. So, really, the fewer people who read it, the better.

I shared this idea about blogging the story with a few people at the Thank God It's Over party, and they seemed wholly positive about it. A couple of them have requested a link to it already. So that's encouraging. And I had a couple of online friends who had expressed interest in reading it as well, although I think that they'll be disappointed if they read it, as it's truly horrible.

I feel vulnerable putting my work out into the web. I don't know why I should feel any more vulnerable than I do when typing a normal blog entry, but I do. It's the same sort of fear that prevented me from singing in public for all those years. It's the fear that I'm not good enough. And that I'll be judged. Not to mention that I'm admitting that the work I'm being judged on is something that I think to be far less than what I'm capable of. At the same time, there are pieces of me hiding in the pages, between the lines. Maybe I'm a little afraid that people will see the insecurities that I've given to my characters and recognize them as being my own.


Now mind you, if I did post it in a blog, I wouldn't be starting it tomorrow. January at the earliest. February might be a little more realistic (and it might provide some good distraction from getting S.A.D.). Just thought I should mention that.

And then there's the issue that my business-oriented brother would bring up... If I publish it on my blog, and it turns into a good story, could I still get it published? After things are on the internet, they're on the internet forever, right? Should I really be giving away my hard work? Although, at the moment, I should be paying people to read the inexcusable mud I've composed thus far.

Anyway. I'm opening it up to you. There is a poll in the RIGHT-hand column of this page [E.T.A. when I first posted this entry, it said left, because I'm a ditz. But it's on the top right]. And we'll see what you think I should do. And I'll probably end up taking your advice, because that's the sort of person I am. Easily influenced (seriously, it's amazing that I've never entered a cult, what with my addictive personality, malleable psyche, and sub-par self-esteem).

I'm off. Ta-ta, toodle-oo, and what have you.

~A~