How Not to Do Improv

This is my 100th post! Honest to blog. Can you believe it?

It seems like most several bloggers who are newer than I am to the sport have gotten to this point before me, but that's what happens when you only post semi-weekly (and let's be honest, you all wouldn't read this blog if I posted this much on a daily basis. I'm sure most of you do a fair amount of skimming and scanning as it is... not that I blame you). And I wouldn't have hit the 100 mark this quickly if I hadn't done NaBloPoMo back in November (those entries were much shorter, obviously).

Part of me wanted to do a 100 list like some other bloggers have done (like Carrie Lea). But really? I don't want to. I've done that sort of thing before (if you're interested -- and I know you are -- read Nobody Knows Me at All and Me, Me, Me, Meme-ee... or most of my NaBloPoMo posts, which were just a large collection of randomness).

The other reason I'm not doing the 100? Because I have a story to tell. About my callback for Tony n' Tina's Wedding.

In case you've never done theatre, an audition is a cross between an athletic "try-out", a job interview, and a exam. In short, it is serious, occasionally stressful, and can be completely nerve-racking.

This callback was going to be improv-based. That's like knowing you have a test, but not having a clue as to what the questions are going to be. And some people are better at BS-ing their way through than others.

There were 12 people called back: 8 girls, 4 guys (unfortunately for me, there are always way more talented girls than guys... totally not fair). I was paired with one of the guys. Let's call him Chuck (as Chuck seems to be the "Everyman" name of the moment... Did you realize how many characters popped up in television and movies in the last couple of years named Chuck? I did. Chuck is the new John).

I asked Chuck about his experience with improv. He said that he really enjoyed it, although he had no formal training. And he was planning to take a class at Second City soon. I told him that I took a class in college in Acting Improvisation, which is different than improv comedy. I know how to think on my feet, create a scene without a script, and listen well to a partner. But I have no background in making that improvised scene comedic. He seemed nervous about this, so I assured him that I'm a pretty funny person (at least, I think I am), and that I was sure it would be fine.

When it was our turn, we headed out into the room with the director and stage manager. The director said he'd basically give us rules for "improv games", and then we'd create scenes based on the rules he'd given us. He said that the most important skills in improv are listening, accepting, and connecting with your partner (which I already knew, but it was nice of him to let us know what he was looking for).

Game #1: The director told Chuck and I to stand shoulder-to-shoulder, and then kneel in that position. He said we were trapped in a 4x4x4 box. One of us was desperate to get out. The other shouldn't care much about getting out, and might even like to stay in it.

Chuck leans over to me and whispers "desperate", which I guess was his way of claiming the character he wanted to play instead of just letting us figure it out organically. Fine by me. Then Chuck starts making hyperventilating sorts of noises and saying, "I've got to get out of this box!" emphatically, over and over again. (Seriously? He couldn't be any more interesting or creative than that?)

I start trying different tactics to get him to stay in the box. I started off by saying it's cozy and trying to pet him.

Then I suggested we play a game to pass the time, and listed off a bunch of games that you couldn't possibly play in a box and being generally ridiculous ("Mother May I? Oh, no that wouldn't work... Red Light Green Light? Whoops, I guess that's kind of the same thing... Simon Says? I'll be Simon! *he thrashes* Okay, fine. YOU be Simon.").

Then I tried singing to him to calm him down. At that point, Chuck somehow managed to knee me in the face (how he did that while KNEELING is beyond me), so I said, "okay, okay. I didn't think my singing was THAT bad".

And then I suggested cuddling. I contorted my body into some insane positions trying to cuddle while still staying inside this box (at which point the stage manager started laughing hysterically).

Throughout all of this, I don't think Chuck said anything other than "I've got to get out of this box." And then for some reason, he flipped over onto his back (did he break out of the box???), and the director cut us off.

Game #2: The director said, "Chuck, in front of you on the floor, there is a broken vase. You KNOW that Angela broke it. You KNOW that. Okay? Angela, you KNOW that Chuck broke it. And if either one of you can convince the other that they did it, you deserve a million dollars."

So I started out swinging. "I can't believe you broke my favorite vase just to retaliate for last night!"

And then Chuck replied, "It wasn't me! It was... It was George!"

Um, excuse me, WHAT? Chuck was supposed to think that I broke the vase. AND WHO THE HELL IS GEORGE???

I just kept insisting that it was Chuck, and getting mad at him for blaming George (whom I tried to establish as his brother). What else could I do? Eventually the director stopped it.

Game #3: The director says he will give us several different locations to create scenes in, and says there are three rules we have to follow:
1. You are not allowed to ask questions to gain information from the other person.
2. You have to say "yes" to everything the other person says, not denying anything.
3. You're not allowed to say anything completely nuts. There can't suddenly be a monkey in an Elvis suit hanging from a chandelier.
(Easy enough, right?)

Situation #1: We're on a blind date.

Chuck: So, do you want to go in?

(What happened to no questions?)

Angela: Sure. This is a really nice place.
Chuck: What do you think of that lighting fixture?

Um, HELLO? NO QUESTIONS! And is that random, or what?

He then proceeded to point at an ACTUAL LIGHTING FIXTURE that was in the room, and begin DESCRIBING it. WTH??? This is blind date! This has potential to be an interesting situation, if you were to just CONNECT WITH YOUR PARTNER. But no, he wanted to check out this lighting fixture.

I couldn't lead him by asking questions, so I tried other methods, like "Yes, it is interesting. You know, it reminds me of something, but I can't think of what." But he ignored these prompts of mine, and started replying with non-sequitors (which is 1. not accepting what his partner was giving, and 2. completely random). At one point he said, "I really like you." It was out of no where, but at least he started connecting! And then the director cut us off.


Situation #2: We're in a psychiatrist's office.

Since Chuck had determined before that he wanted to be the "desperate" guy in the box game, I figured I'd take a cue from him on whether he wanted to be the doctor or the patient. Then he speaks... "So... You been in this waiting room long?"

First of all, that's another question. Second, that is possibly the LEAST INTERESTING SCENARIO you can come up with in a psychiatrist's office. WHAT???

But I have to work with it.

Angela: I'm next.
Chuck: No, you're not.

Um, what happened to saying "yes" to what your partner says?

I start fidgeting and acting really high-strung and potentially crazy (without going overboard).

Angela: I've been waiting forever. I need to be next.
Chuck: I've been coming here for years, so I guess you don't know how things work around here. Rosemary! Rosemary, tell her I'm next!

Dude, WHO THE HELL IS ROSEMARY??? Chuck begins having half a conversation with this imaginary woman instead of talking to me.

Part of me wanted to act like he was delusional and had an imaginary friend, but I felt like that would be breaking rules #2 and #3 at the same time, so I didn't. Eventually, the director mercifully cut us off.

Situation #3: We're in a courtroom in front of a judge.

I decided I should say something before Chuck the Brilliant misunderstood directions and tried to have us getting married at City Hall or something. I figured it might work if I were the prosecutor and he were the defendant. So I started off saying something...

Angela: Your Honor,...
Chuck: *interrupting* It wasn't us!

So Chuck has now made the scene into BOTH of us being prosecuted together? For some mysterious crime? GAH!!!

I went with it. I tried to be funny, saying nonsensical things.

Angela: See, we couldn't have done it, because we were together the whole time. And I can vouch for him, and he can vouch for me, and that's, like, totally a rock solid alibi. Right?
Chuck: We were cleaning up the vase that George broke!

WHAT??!?!??!?!?!?!?

The director stopped us pretty quickly after that and said they'd call people within the next week.

As we walked out, Chuck turned to me and said, "I think that went really well! Hope to see you again soon!" Did he just... imply... that we might both get to the next callback round? Yeah... Good luck, Chuck. (Or, perhaps, "sorry, Charlie" is more in order.)

I have a feeling that all of that was much worse in real life than it seemed in typed form, but hopefully you get the gist of it. If that audition had been a test, Chuck failed. And as his partner, I don't think I was able to salvage my own grade.

I did get something out of the experience: I learned that I'm not bad at improv. I was worried, but really, I was fine. It was my partner who was the dunce. I pulled out some things that were pretty funny (most of them wouldn't be funny if typed... you had to be there). And I'm very good at following prompts, changing tactics, and staying in the scene. So that's good.

Needless to say, I haven't heard back from Tony N Tina's Wedding. Nor do I expect to, based on that train-wreck of a callback.

Ah, well. It's probably for the best. If they cast you, they want you to stay in it for 9 months or so. There's no actual contract, but that's what they expect... in the past, some people have been in it for over 10 years. The shortest length anyone could remember was one girl who was only in for 5 months. Me? Well, seeing as how I'm moving to Florida in about 3.5 months, I don't think I'd necessarily be a great investment for them. So either I'd fess up and they'd renege the offer, or I'd be lying to them the entire time and act like I wasn't leaving... So it'll be easier not to get an offer.

Besides, I think the assistant stage manager was hitting on me. "You have my cell phone number, right? You know, in case you have questions about anything. Even if it's at like one in the morning, you can call. Actually, even if you don't have any questions, you could call." At one point he actually said, "Are you on MySpace? Because if you are, I'd like to stalk you on it." I thought he was joking, and responded in kind, until he said, "No, I mean it. I'd really stalk you on it."

Luckily, I only have Facebook, and he's not on that. But my goodness. As nice as it is to know I still have some juice flowin' and mojo poppin'... I could do without this. I've had a few guys try to hit on me lately. And they were all nice enough... but really, I'm just not open to it at the moment. (In fact, I'm so closed off to it that I haven't even blogged that it's been happening. And if it's not in the blog, it doesn't exist, right?)

Maybe he wasn't hitting on me at all... Maybe that's just the way he is? You never know.

As I left, the ASM said, "I hope you get cast. I REALLY mean that." Thanks, buddy.

After the callback, I decided I needed some "me time". So I did something awesome: I went to see a movie by myself. This is the second time I've done this, the first time being Juno back in February.

In case you have never experienced such a thing, I recommend doing it at least once. It really is rather liberating. And I chose an independent film, as I thought I was being rather independent with this action. So I saw Snow Angels. It wasn't bad. Sam Rockwell was really rather tremendous in it, albeit creepy as all get out. And for some reason, I feel as though I can relate to Olivia Thirlby as an actor. Between her characters in this and Juno... I don't know. But I'm drawn to her somehow.

Sadly, I had the misfortune of being seated next to an older couple who periodically dug into noisy plastic popcorn bags, loudly asked each other, "What's going on?", and irritated me to no end. As I was leaving the theatre, I heard them saying it was the worst movie they'd ever seen. I still haven't fully collected my thoughts on the film, but I know one thing: I liked far more than those folks did.

And I have a feeling that they'd be terrible at improv.


May you be willing to listen, accept, and connect.

~A~


P.S. I considered making the title "One Hundred Easy Ways". There's a song from the musical Wonderful Town called "One Hundred Easy Ways (to Lose a Man)". But then I realized it really had nothing to do with the post at all... Anyway. The thought was there.

P.P.S. I have moved my blog roll to a post, because it was just getting ridiculous. But if you ever need to waste time and you think you've gotten to the end of the internet, my blog roll is going to save you. It's super long, and could easily absorb several hours. There's a link to it in my side bar for easy access. Let's just call it post #101.

P.P.P.S. For those who asked in the comments of my previous post: I have a really great monologue that I used for grad school auditions. I call it my "hockey monologue", and it fits my psycho-physical rhythm extremely well. It's a girl who's obsessed with a professional hockey goalie, and believes that they have some sort of connection. I have to cut it down for length for most auditions, so I do a part in which she talks about how much she loves his warm-up rituals, and how she knows that he does them just for her. I'm really great at it, and I get laughs every time I perform it.

P.P.P.P.S. In case you don't believe me about the Chuck phenomenon, here are a few instances from the last year, just off the top of my head: The television show Chuck; the movie Good Luck, Chuck; the movie I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry; the female lead on the delightful show Pushing Daisies; Charles Schwab's "Talk to Chuck" campaign; the manipulative hottie on Gossip Girl.