The Sex I'm Not Having

In my last post, I mentioned mentally comparing all the men I've dated. But I left out one subject that crossed my mind. Not because I was trying to hide something, but rather because I decided that it deserved its own post. (And also because if I do ever make the smart decision to hide this post, the other part of this story won't have to be taken down as well.) It's a subject I wouldn't have even mentioned on my blog two years ago, and which now it feels unnatural to hide...

Sex.

As far as the guys are concerned, there's no pattern whatsoever.

One of them was a virgin (at the time... who knows what he's been up to since). One has slept with one other woman: his ex-wife. One is in low single-digits. One is in high single-digits. One is in double-digits.

In case you've missed the memo, I have never had sex.

Yeah, that bit of information usually gets a reaction. Like, "But why? You're not ugly." Or, "Yeah, right. I'm not falling for that." Or, "Are you one of those religious freaks?" Or even, "I'll have sex with you right now."

Anyway. It's true. I'm a card-carrying member of the V-Club.

Honestly, I like that I haven't had sex. I'm proud of it. And I think by knowing that, you can deduce a lot about me as a person that you might otherwise not assume. It's part of my identity now. Everyone at my grad school knows. I usually tell people right up front. (I told #1, #3, and #4 before I started dating them. #2 found out from my roommate before he'd asked me out. I told Phil the day I met him. They all stuck around anyway.)

Some guys get freaked out by it. Some get sickly turned on by it. Some seem to want to take me on as a challenge. (Those are the three most popular responses... although the last of which is one that they don't admit to in front of me.) Some see it as a potentially insurmountable issue. Some are willing to try to work around it. Some stop flirting with me and start getting protective-big-brother around me. Some seem relieved. Some seem in awe. Some try to give me advice (everything from "lose it now, because no one will want to be your first" to "now that you've made it this far, you should really just wait, because any guy who tries now is just using you"). No matter what their initial response, all have questions.

When people ask me why, I usually give one of two canned answers.

If I want to be quick and dismissive about it, the answer is: "I'm Catholic."

If I want to lessen the awkwardness regarding the situation, I say, "One boyfriend was a virgin. One had only slept with his ex-wife (and they waited until marriage). One was freaked out by the prospect of "deflowering" me (his word, not mine). One was long-distance, and when we were finally in the same place, he dumped me." (Something about it being situational as opposed to a religious choice seems to put people at ease... Although, truth be told, at least three of those guys absolutely would have had sex with me if I had agreed to it.)

But if I'm being honest, it's neither of these canned answers. I mean, in some ways, it's both. It's a lot of things.

At one point, when I'd just started dating one of the numbered exes, I actually made a list of all the reasons that I hadn't had sex yet (or perhaps reasons I didn't want to have sex yet). Some of the reasons were serious. Some were just minor little things. Some were downright funny. But I wrote everything that came into my head. And I ended up with quite a long list with reasons of various importance.

My point is, I don't have just one reason. I have many. And yes, maybe some of them are ridiculous, but they add up.

But I've known since I made the list that it's possible that I won't wait until all the problems on the list get solved. Rather, someday I will read every item on that list, make the conscious decision that they don't matter, and throw it out the window. And if that day comes, then I know I won't have regrets afterwards.

But that day is not today.

Sometimes I read Christian propaganda that almost makes me feel guilty for the thought of pre-marital sex ever crossing my mind.

And other times I read feminist literature that says that by perpetuating "the purity myth" (that withholding sex is the most power a woman can have, or that a woman is most valuable before she's had it) I'm somehow forwarding male hegemony. And that almost makes me feel guilty for staying this way for so long.

But notice that I used the word "almost" both times there.

I'm a strong person, and I'm not going to let guilt make my decisions for me. I'm also not going to let propaganda from any direction make my choices.

Anyway.

I won't be sharing the list I made on this blog. It's really no one's business but mine.

But I will tell you one of the revelations I had on the subject while I was in London... I decided that if/when I do decide to have sex, I want it to have as much gravity (or nearly as much) for the other person as it does to me. That doesn't mean that I have to be his first; but I want there to be a very real possibility in his mind that I might be his last.

I mentioned that in conversation to someone in London, and he said he thought that was a bad idea. He said that it was sort of unfair and unrealistic to put that much pressure on someone else, especially if they've had an active sex-life before dating me.

But I don't care. I think it's reasonable to wait until I'm in a serious relationship. In a perfect world, my first will end up being my only.

I don't feel like going through an inspection of my sex-less sex-life online, or making any sort of checklist about what I have and haven't done, or what I would or wouldn't be willing to try. In my experience, it's not easy to find anyone in my age group (I'll be 26 in October) who hasn't rounded all the bases. I know that I am an anomaly, regardless of what the statics around say. (90% of Americans have pre-marital sex... that means that there are 10% who don't? Really? If that's true, then where the hell are they?) I have literally been referred to as "a relic" more than once in my life (and not with a flattering tone).

The truth is, I lost that list. It was on the Stickies application on Lady MacBook when she crashed in September 2009.

But my first night in Athens, I couldn't sleep. I felt uneasy about many things in my life. And I kept thinking of a story that my friend told me about her first time. She had traveled to Greece when she was in her mid-20s (which is probably why it came into my head), met a man, and spent a week learning about sex with him. She made it sound like such a positive experience.

Now, I was not about to have sex with some random guy in Greece in order to emulate her life. But I won't lie: there was a tiny voice at the back of my head that thought, "Well, I am going back to London in a couple of weeks... And it'll be the last time I see Phil... at least for awhile... And he's pretty great..."

And I hated that voice the minute it arose. Loathed. It felt dirty, wrong, and -- to be honest with you -- Satanic. If I've gone my entire life without having sex, I'm not going to suddenly lose it to a guy I'd met two weeks before, and with whom I had no formal relationship label. Absolutely not.

So I made a list again. A list of all the reasons that I'd kept it up this far. A list of all the reasons that I might want to keep it up in the future. A list of all the reasons that I was going to pass up an opportunity and resist temptation when I got back to London. A list to keep me strong, and to kill the voice I hated.

I fell asleep writing it. I think I knew that I needed to write it so that I would have it around in case I wanted to read it. I'll need it someday. I want to read every item on that list before I chuck it out the window. I think it'll help me to make a good conscious decision, instead of just acting on a lustful impulse that (knowing myself as I do) I will come to regret.




You might be wondering what inspired me to write this post. Why now? Why distract from the "Whirled World" series with this interruption to our regularly scheduled programming?

The answer, of course, is that this post is to explain my given circumstances. It's a bit of exposition that is required for the next part of our tour.



May you hold on to your sense of self.
May you be strong in your beliefs.
May you always make your choices for yourself.
May you be proud of the path you've taken.
And if you're ever considering straying from that path, may you have the foresight to make yourself a list of pros and cons before taking action.

~A~