Okay, so tonight, I did one of the dumbest things I've done in recent memory. And I'm all filled with agitation over the event, so I'm blogging again.
My landlady was after me to defrost my (compact) fridge (I live in her garage, so she pays close attention to me). I kept saying I was going to do it when I had less stuff in the fridge that I was worried would go bad. So I decided tonight was the night, started defrosting the one-and-only frozen meal that my pathetic freezer compartment can hold at a time, took everything out of the fridge, and put in towels to catch the water when the ice melted.
But then I got antsy. Because it WAS NOT MELTING. So I took a knife to the ice. Carefully, because I didn't want to hit the cooling system and break the fridge. And it was SO MUCH FUN hacking away!
Yeah, I may have gotten a little overzealous... and I hit the cooling system. Got a face full of the mystery gas in there (Don't worry, I googled, and it looks like the coolant in my fridge, 1.77oz of R-134a, should be fairly non-toxic.). And my fridge is now basically a very impractical bookcase.
Landlady hasn't come home yet. Dreading telling her. Hope she doesn't yell at me and can just take it out of my security deposit or something.
------------------------------
In other news:
- I have a hacking violent cough and keep feeling like I'm dying. This cough makes it so I occasionally can't breathe, which leads to lightheadedness and headaches. I say I get this cough once a year, for several weeks... but this is the THIRD time this year (I had it in January, in May, and now in September). I HATE IT. And it makes it difficult to tell if I'm dying from some sort of coolant-related poisoning (which is possible even with non-toxic gas), because I'm coughing and lightheaded anyway.
- I'm still unemployed. I work side jobs from time to time, but have been mostly living off of unemployment insurance... Except they haven't paid me my most recent payment, and I can't get a live person on the phone to explain why, so I'm freaking out a little about that. (I have savings and two day-gigs lined up this week, so I'm fine, but it's stress-inducing not knowing why I haven't gotten any word on the unemployment money.)
- I've been offered two plays that I turned down (I had very good reasons), neither of which would've paid actual money (one would've paid $9 per performance, and nothing for the rehearsal process; in case you wondered why actors get the "starving artist" label from time to time... well, now you know).
- I got callbacks to a couple of shows that would have paid money (one was $250 a week, the other an unbelievable $700 per week!), but didn't get them.
- Ended up accepting an understudy role in a Shakespeare play at a small theatre company. The person who beat me out for the role is not by any means better for the role than I am, but is one of the founders of the company, so I get it. The understudies are guaranteed one performance ($9 total, before taxes, for a 9-week commitment... and I only get that $9 because I'm paying hundreds of dollars annually to the theatre union). But the actress I'm understudying booked another gig, guaranteeing me a couple more performances ($18 more!). I'm actually really excited about this! It's a great role (basically the female lead, if there is one) in a great play, and it's a great up-and-coming company. Hope understudying earns me brownie points so they consider me for future stuff.
- My "agent" is back from her maternity leave, but still hasn't gotten me any auditions.
- I sort of accidentally started a theatre company in my backyard, which was the savior of my mental health this summer. Because I decided I wanted to take my creative destiny into my own hands. We've done nine play-readings so far, with a tenth in the works. And they have been AMAZING. And I've gotten to perform a few of my dream roles that I can't seem to even get auditions for (like Vanda in "Venus in Fur" and Helena in "A Midsummer Night's Dream").
- I acted in a workshop of a new play that ended up being a fully staged, costumed, choreographed project. We performed last night, which was my first time performing on a stage since June. It felt so good, even though I had like 5 lines and was mostly a background dancer. The audience seemed pretty negative about the project, but multiple people weirdly complimented me on my very small role. And as a result, someone in the audience asked me to audition for something, and two people sent me scripts asking if I'll do workshops of their plays. So feeling good about that.
- Since that email Phil sent me ending our communication, I've heard from him exactly once. He sent me a text message while he was attending the wedding of mutual friends (whom I knew first, but they only invited him... weird), saying that he was "checking in" and that it was weird I wasn't there. I wrote something cordial back. I didn't write him on his birthday, because he asked me not to contact him, and I didn't want to break the rule. I found out that a well-known small theatre in town is going to do three of his plays next week, but I've decided it wouldn't be right of me to show up. I wish him well. But I don't think about him too much anymore. To be honest, typing his name at the beginning of this paragraph felt strange.
- I dated a bunch of guys casually this summer. Or at least, I tried to make it casual. They all ended up falling too hard for me. Even though they knew I was still hung up on Gus. Even though they knew I was dating multiple people. I ended things with all of them (and I attended a Co-Dependents Anonymous meeting at the urging of my roommate). Most of them took it well. Two of them didn't take it well initially, but both seem fine now. One of them, Scott, is NOT over it, is still trying to see me regularly, and invited me on a weekend away with him, "as friends". And the thing is, Scott is a lovely guy, and I like him a lot... but he isn't Gus.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
- Gus.
Well, I guess this is the real post.
As you may remember, Gus and I broke up because "the one who got away" surprised him by deciding to come out to LA for the summer to be with him. And he cast her in the play he wrote and directed.
I think you should be glad that I wasn't blogging about Gus all summer. I could have been. It has been a crazy rollercoaster ride.
And if I wrote it all out, you would probably question a lot of it. You wouldn't understand my motives. You wouldn't understand Gus' motives. You wouldn't understand why still, months later, our relationship is in a weird sort of limbo.
But the important parts of the summary are these:
- I still want to be with Gus. Gus still wants to be with me.
- She is an unstable, verbally-abusive banshee who has done nothing but torture him all summer and make him terrified of her and completely traumatized. (He hid how bad it was from me for most of the summer. But seriously, it's like he has a mild form of PTSD now).
- The play closes on Sunday
- She leaves town on Monday (a week from today).
- After she leaves town, we're getting back together.
I don't know what things are going to be like when she's gone. I don't know if we can make this relationship work or not. I don't know if he's even the same Gus. But I want to try.
I don't know who still reads this and what you know of my past. But there are three people in the world who have become the archetypal monsters in my nightmares. I have been in abusive situations before, although thankfully not with someone I was in a romantic relationship with (although as I just wrote that I thought, "well, things with Phil got a little emotionally abusive on occasion...").
These were people in my life that I couldn't escape from. A roommate, a classmate, and a coworker. The coworker one didn't last long, thank God (only a few weeks). But the other two... they were rough.
They both verbally and emotionally abused me regularly, and I couldn't escape. Each of them physically assaulted me a couple of times. And one of them frequently sexually harassed me, touched me inappropriately, tried to sexually assault me, and threatened to put me in the hospital.
And with both of these people, I was terrified. And I felt like there was nothing I could do to escape it. And it seemed like the easiest path to escape was just to keep my head down and try not to rock the boat until it was over. Because I knew that there was a deadline. I knew there was a day when it would be over.
(So that's why I understand why Gus has done some of what he has done this summer, but you might not if I wrote it out.)
And with both of these people, once the day came that I was out of the trap with them, things didn't really end.
First, because (with one more than the other), I was worried that this scary person wasn't really gone. That the person would come back. Would try to hurt me more. With the one, I literally thought he was going to hunt me down and kill me. There was a day when he went missing, and I had a panic attack, and was crying hysterically and couldn't speak, and was around people who didn't understand the situation and thought I was overreacting. And it was horrible.
But second, because when I was in those situations, I didn't experience them fully. I went into some sort of survival mode. Which meant that I wasn't acknowledging to myself how bad things were. I was ignoring things. Blocking things out. Which meant that for months afterward, I'd have more memories surface. More stories of, "Oh my God, and THIS happened."
And every story that came back to me... I don't know how to explain it. Somehow they made me stronger. Maybe because they turned my fear to rage. Maybe because they made me feel like, "I'm going to be so much smarter in the future." Maybe just because they reminded me of what a rotten situation I'd made it through, and how I was safer now that it was over.
But people like these. They change you. They make you question yourself in other relationships. In friendships.
To a small extent (very, very small), it happened at the beginning of my relationship with Gus, in that I kept recognized small behaviors of his that would align with things Phil had done (like when Phil would come up with a plan for what he wanted to do on a given day and inform me of it as opposed to collaborating with me on it), and FREAK OUT. And then Gus would remind me that he was, in fact, NOT PHIL, and had different motives (when he planned out a date, it was because he was trying to be romantic, not egocentric and controlling).
And I already see it in Gus. I asked him if he was coming to something I invited him to, his whole body locked up, and his face tensed, and he used a metered, quiet voice to say, "I'm sorry, I didn't know it was that day, I made other plans, it won't happen again." He looked like he thought I was going to scream at him or strike him and was bracing himself in preparation.
Or when a group of our mutual friends was going to hang out, and he declined an invitation... And eventually admitted to me that he was worried *she* would find out he was with me and give him hell for it. (She knows I exist because she read his email. And she freaked out at him when I came to see the play.)
So, like I said, I don't know which version of Gus I'm getting back. Probably one who is afraid. Probably one with trust issues. Probably one who assumes that I'm going to be cruel to him when I'm not. And probably one who, at first at least, is not going to be a person I can rely on. Not someone I can cling to for support. Someone who will be better at receiving than giving.
And I know you might not understand why I'm choosing to go that way right now. Scott (guy who is not over me) sure doesn't.
Because right now, I could be with Scott. I could choose that path. I could have someone who is better at giving than receiving (Scott's a giver; the walls he has up -- because we all have some -- are more about not leaving himself vulnerable). I could have someone who pours buckets of affection on me, which I crave. I could be with someone who cooks for me, and takes me on nice dates, and pays for everything.
But I'm choosing the broken guy. The guy whom I already suspect cannot give me what I need, at least right now.
I know it's the choice I want to make. And I don't have a solid way to defend it.
The best thing I can think to say is that I don't know how it's going to be, so I have to give it a chance. I want it to be great. I want that very, very badly. I want him to be the man I think he was, and hope he still can be. I hope he doesn't stay afraid of me.
We'll see.
And if it isn't great... I hope I have the strength to walk away.
I guess that's all for now. Catch you on the flipside.
~A~
My landlady was after me to defrost my (compact) fridge (I live in her garage, so she pays close attention to me). I kept saying I was going to do it when I had less stuff in the fridge that I was worried would go bad. So I decided tonight was the night, started defrosting the one-and-only frozen meal that my pathetic freezer compartment can hold at a time, took everything out of the fridge, and put in towels to catch the water when the ice melted.
But then I got antsy. Because it WAS NOT MELTING. So I took a knife to the ice. Carefully, because I didn't want to hit the cooling system and break the fridge. And it was SO MUCH FUN hacking away!
Yeah, I may have gotten a little overzealous... and I hit the cooling system. Got a face full of the mystery gas in there (Don't worry, I googled, and it looks like the coolant in my fridge, 1.77oz of R-134a, should be fairly non-toxic.). And my fridge is now basically a very impractical bookcase.
Landlady hasn't come home yet. Dreading telling her. Hope she doesn't yell at me and can just take it out of my security deposit or something.
------------------------------
In other news:
- I have a hacking violent cough and keep feeling like I'm dying. This cough makes it so I occasionally can't breathe, which leads to lightheadedness and headaches. I say I get this cough once a year, for several weeks... but this is the THIRD time this year (I had it in January, in May, and now in September). I HATE IT. And it makes it difficult to tell if I'm dying from some sort of coolant-related poisoning (which is possible even with non-toxic gas), because I'm coughing and lightheaded anyway.
- I'm still unemployed. I work side jobs from time to time, but have been mostly living off of unemployment insurance... Except they haven't paid me my most recent payment, and I can't get a live person on the phone to explain why, so I'm freaking out a little about that. (I have savings and two day-gigs lined up this week, so I'm fine, but it's stress-inducing not knowing why I haven't gotten any word on the unemployment money.)
- I've been offered two plays that I turned down (I had very good reasons), neither of which would've paid actual money (one would've paid $9 per performance, and nothing for the rehearsal process; in case you wondered why actors get the "starving artist" label from time to time... well, now you know).
- I got callbacks to a couple of shows that would have paid money (one was $250 a week, the other an unbelievable $700 per week!), but didn't get them.
- Ended up accepting an understudy role in a Shakespeare play at a small theatre company. The person who beat me out for the role is not by any means better for the role than I am, but is one of the founders of the company, so I get it. The understudies are guaranteed one performance ($9 total, before taxes, for a 9-week commitment... and I only get that $9 because I'm paying hundreds of dollars annually to the theatre union). But the actress I'm understudying booked another gig, guaranteeing me a couple more performances ($18 more!). I'm actually really excited about this! It's a great role (basically the female lead, if there is one) in a great play, and it's a great up-and-coming company. Hope understudying earns me brownie points so they consider me for future stuff.
- My "agent" is back from her maternity leave, but still hasn't gotten me any auditions.
- I sort of accidentally started a theatre company in my backyard, which was the savior of my mental health this summer. Because I decided I wanted to take my creative destiny into my own hands. We've done nine play-readings so far, with a tenth in the works. And they have been AMAZING. And I've gotten to perform a few of my dream roles that I can't seem to even get auditions for (like Vanda in "Venus in Fur" and Helena in "A Midsummer Night's Dream").
- I acted in a workshop of a new play that ended up being a fully staged, costumed, choreographed project. We performed last night, which was my first time performing on a stage since June. It felt so good, even though I had like 5 lines and was mostly a background dancer. The audience seemed pretty negative about the project, but multiple people weirdly complimented me on my very small role. And as a result, someone in the audience asked me to audition for something, and two people sent me scripts asking if I'll do workshops of their plays. So feeling good about that.
- Since that email Phil sent me ending our communication, I've heard from him exactly once. He sent me a text message while he was attending the wedding of mutual friends (whom I knew first, but they only invited him... weird), saying that he was "checking in" and that it was weird I wasn't there. I wrote something cordial back. I didn't write him on his birthday, because he asked me not to contact him, and I didn't want to break the rule. I found out that a well-known small theatre in town is going to do three of his plays next week, but I've decided it wouldn't be right of me to show up. I wish him well. But I don't think about him too much anymore. To be honest, typing his name at the beginning of this paragraph felt strange.
- I dated a bunch of guys casually this summer. Or at least, I tried to make it casual. They all ended up falling too hard for me. Even though they knew I was still hung up on Gus. Even though they knew I was dating multiple people. I ended things with all of them (and I attended a Co-Dependents Anonymous meeting at the urging of my roommate). Most of them took it well. Two of them didn't take it well initially, but both seem fine now. One of them, Scott, is NOT over it, is still trying to see me regularly, and invited me on a weekend away with him, "as friends". And the thing is, Scott is a lovely guy, and I like him a lot... but he isn't Gus.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
- Gus.
Well, I guess this is the real post.
As you may remember, Gus and I broke up because "the one who got away" surprised him by deciding to come out to LA for the summer to be with him. And he cast her in the play he wrote and directed.
I think you should be glad that I wasn't blogging about Gus all summer. I could have been. It has been a crazy rollercoaster ride.
And if I wrote it all out, you would probably question a lot of it. You wouldn't understand my motives. You wouldn't understand Gus' motives. You wouldn't understand why still, months later, our relationship is in a weird sort of limbo.
But the important parts of the summary are these:
- I still want to be with Gus. Gus still wants to be with me.
- She is an unstable, verbally-abusive banshee who has done nothing but torture him all summer and make him terrified of her and completely traumatized. (He hid how bad it was from me for most of the summer. But seriously, it's like he has a mild form of PTSD now).
- The play closes on Sunday
- She leaves town on Monday (a week from today).
- After she leaves town, we're getting back together.
I don't know what things are going to be like when she's gone. I don't know if we can make this relationship work or not. I don't know if he's even the same Gus. But I want to try.
I don't know who still reads this and what you know of my past. But there are three people in the world who have become the archetypal monsters in my nightmares. I have been in abusive situations before, although thankfully not with someone I was in a romantic relationship with (although as I just wrote that I thought, "well, things with Phil got a little emotionally abusive on occasion...").
These were people in my life that I couldn't escape from. A roommate, a classmate, and a coworker. The coworker one didn't last long, thank God (only a few weeks). But the other two... they were rough.
They both verbally and emotionally abused me regularly, and I couldn't escape. Each of them physically assaulted me a couple of times. And one of them frequently sexually harassed me, touched me inappropriately, tried to sexually assault me, and threatened to put me in the hospital.
And with both of these people, I was terrified. And I felt like there was nothing I could do to escape it. And it seemed like the easiest path to escape was just to keep my head down and try not to rock the boat until it was over. Because I knew that there was a deadline. I knew there was a day when it would be over.
(So that's why I understand why Gus has done some of what he has done this summer, but you might not if I wrote it out.)
And with both of these people, once the day came that I was out of the trap with them, things didn't really end.
First, because (with one more than the other), I was worried that this scary person wasn't really gone. That the person would come back. Would try to hurt me more. With the one, I literally thought he was going to hunt me down and kill me. There was a day when he went missing, and I had a panic attack, and was crying hysterically and couldn't speak, and was around people who didn't understand the situation and thought I was overreacting. And it was horrible.
But second, because when I was in those situations, I didn't experience them fully. I went into some sort of survival mode. Which meant that I wasn't acknowledging to myself how bad things were. I was ignoring things. Blocking things out. Which meant that for months afterward, I'd have more memories surface. More stories of, "Oh my God, and THIS happened."
And every story that came back to me... I don't know how to explain it. Somehow they made me stronger. Maybe because they turned my fear to rage. Maybe because they made me feel like, "I'm going to be so much smarter in the future." Maybe just because they reminded me of what a rotten situation I'd made it through, and how I was safer now that it was over.
But people like these. They change you. They make you question yourself in other relationships. In friendships.
To a small extent (very, very small), it happened at the beginning of my relationship with Gus, in that I kept recognized small behaviors of his that would align with things Phil had done (like when Phil would come up with a plan for what he wanted to do on a given day and inform me of it as opposed to collaborating with me on it), and FREAK OUT. And then Gus would remind me that he was, in fact, NOT PHIL, and had different motives (when he planned out a date, it was because he was trying to be romantic, not egocentric and controlling).
And I already see it in Gus. I asked him if he was coming to something I invited him to, his whole body locked up, and his face tensed, and he used a metered, quiet voice to say, "I'm sorry, I didn't know it was that day, I made other plans, it won't happen again." He looked like he thought I was going to scream at him or strike him and was bracing himself in preparation.
Or when a group of our mutual friends was going to hang out, and he declined an invitation... And eventually admitted to me that he was worried *she* would find out he was with me and give him hell for it. (She knows I exist because she read his email. And she freaked out at him when I came to see the play.)
So, like I said, I don't know which version of Gus I'm getting back. Probably one who is afraid. Probably one with trust issues. Probably one who assumes that I'm going to be cruel to him when I'm not. And probably one who, at first at least, is not going to be a person I can rely on. Not someone I can cling to for support. Someone who will be better at receiving than giving.
And I know you might not understand why I'm choosing to go that way right now. Scott (guy who is not over me) sure doesn't.
Because right now, I could be with Scott. I could choose that path. I could have someone who is better at giving than receiving (Scott's a giver; the walls he has up -- because we all have some -- are more about not leaving himself vulnerable). I could have someone who pours buckets of affection on me, which I crave. I could be with someone who cooks for me, and takes me on nice dates, and pays for everything.
But I'm choosing the broken guy. The guy whom I already suspect cannot give me what I need, at least right now.
I know it's the choice I want to make. And I don't have a solid way to defend it.
The best thing I can think to say is that I don't know how it's going to be, so I have to give it a chance. I want it to be great. I want that very, very badly. I want him to be the man I think he was, and hope he still can be. I hope he doesn't stay afraid of me.
We'll see.
And if it isn't great... I hope I have the strength to walk away.
I guess that's all for now. Catch you on the flipside.
~A~
2 comments:
*hugs* Through it all, make sure you take care of yourself girl. You sure sail some stormy seas. ;)
it's so rare to find a blog that churns out lengthy, really emotion-loaded, raw honest posts anymore. SO GLAD i stumbled upon yours! all the very best with.. well, everything, hon! BIIIIG HUG.
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