I Wish I'd Chosen Scott

Hey guys.

Remember when I used to blog?

I just skimmed over my last post here. It's crazy how much has happened, but I'll give you the short version.

I did end up dating Gus again. And it was great. And he's wonderful. And we were happy.

And then he'd freak out, and worry too much, and stop trusting me.

And then it'd be great again. We'd walk through downtown Burbank holding hands, and he'd comment that other people looked jealous of how happy we were and how cute we looked together. We even had partner Halloween costumes, and I've never done that for/with ANYONE before.

But then he'd freak out again.

The Gus I got back was not the Gus I had the first time around.

And in November, he dumped me. In an email (you should know that I requested that if he were going to dump me, that he should do it by email).

I guess I've been doing more thinking than I planned to.  

And I think we need to let each other go. For the foreseeable future, at least.  

The last thing in the world I want to do is cause you pain, but within all the craziness, one thing has stayed consistent: I'm full of doubts and can't help but feel I'm being unfair to you. That I can't give you what you need, or what you can give me. I feel like a sponge. I don't want to be that person. 

You're amazing and kind and talented and cuddly and personable and so beautiful and you need someone who is willing - scratch that - thrilled at the very prospect of committing to you mind, body, and soul -- not someone who's going to waver endlessly over petty nonsense for months on end while he tries to get his own life in order.  

I helped you through a hard time, then - serendipitously - you did the same for me. And that's as deep and meaningful as anything I've shared with anyone in memory. Truly. But on that note, if a time comes when we do end up together, I need to know it's because It's What's Meant To Be and not simply because it's a welcome and easy and comfortable contrast to whatever awful person you or I happen to be coming off of at the moment.  

I really do want (read: need) to keep you in my life, but understand if, for your sake, that sort of interaction has to be limited in the short term (or even long term -- whatever's best for you). 

No matter what happens, you will remain in the upper, innermost circles of those most special and important people I've crossed paths with in life. You're incredibly unique to me. One of the good ones. I will always think of you fondly.  

Best wishes. All good things. 

G

(I liked that he borrowed my signature sign-off in that. Rather cute.)

It hurt. Because, you know, getting dumped always does. And I may or may not have stayed in bed for about 5 days without bothering to put on clothes or shower or integrate myself into society. But then, I kinda got over it. Not 100%, of course, but much better than I had the first time he dumped me. Because this time, at least we'd had a chance. This time, it was his decision, and not a consequence of the actions of a third party. This time, I had hope that he'd be happier on his own.

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Right around the same time, my life became more challenging for other reasons.

I found out that the gig I had last year wouldn't be coming back for several more months.

My unemployment benefits ran out.

And the job I got that I thought would save me? Only offering $9/hr, with no number of guaranteed hours per week.

I ended up having to empty a savings account that my dad started for me in 1985 that had always been a last resort. And I broke down in tears in the middle of the Bank of America waiting room. One of the lowest moments of my life.


I nearly packed my bags and moved in with my parents.

I'm glad it hasn't come to that yet.

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And then in the beginning of December, I started running into Scott again.

I mentioned Scott a couple of times in the post I wrote in September.

Scott, the perfectly nice guy I broke up with in order to see if things could work with my potentially insane ex. (In other words: I did the same thing to Scott that Gus did to me.)

First, I ran into him at an open mic night where my sketch comedy troupe was performing (SIDE NOTE: I'm in a sketch comedy troupe!). I've performed at that open mic a few times before, and I've never seen Scott there. But my troupe put out the word on Facebook, and I invited him... and he came.

And I saw him and got really flustered and nervous.

And he got up to the mic and read a chapter of a novel that he's writing. And it was good.

Then I threw a play-reading in my backyard (another slice of that quasi-theatre-company I started that I mentioned months ago). He RSVPed that he was attending. And then he asked if I needed him to read a role. And he brought weird chocolate wine (which was terrible, but he insisted upon drinking). And he was terrific in the reading. And I found in myself this sense of "what if...?"

We both ended up at an ice skating excursion with a big group of mutual friends. Neither Scott nor I had been ice skating before. But with him you'd never know it. That Florida boy took to the ice like he'd been playing hockey for years. And I was struggling to stand up. He ended up taking my hand and being my buddy, leading me around. And every time I nearly fell, somehow he caught me. And held me. I loved it when he held me.

And I was so gleeful. And I wanted to kiss him. But it had been months, and for all I knew, he might have been dating someone else. And as soon as we were off of the ice, I felt regret.

He was great. There was no reason for me to have left him. The reason was only that I wasn't over Gus.

But now I was over Gus. And I knew I'd missed my chance.

And then I ran into Scott again, when I attended a play reading that I didn't know he'd be acting in. And then we sat together at a bar after the reading and flirted, and I had hope. And a couple of days later we both ended up at a theatre alone, and I decided to be bold (well, for me) and sit next to him uninvited. And then I ended up in a bowling alley watching him play an intensely competitive game of pool with bizarre rules. When I arrived, he was up by eight points. But I guess I distracted him, because he ended up losing by one point, and was shocked to discover that he had fallen behind.

He walked me to my car that night. And I hugged him goodbye, maybe a little too long. He kissed me. And my heart fluttered girlishly. He was more charming than I remembered.

I asked him to see a play with me the next night, which ended up having less of a date vibe than I would've liked when we ran into another friend who had come alone and wanted to sit with us.

And I went home for the holidays the next day.

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While I was with my family, I texted Scott. And one night, via text message, he told me that he was terrified of me. Because I'd hurt him. And he was afraid I'd do it again.

Since I've gotten back to California, we've hung out a couple of times. But he's different now. More cautious. He doesn't adore me the way he used to.

The last time I saw him he just casually said, "I'm pretty busy. Don't know when I'll be able to see you again. Probably not for a week or two. BYE!" (I'm paraphrasing because he actually went into detail about his schedule for the next five days, full of excuses as to why he couldn't possibly see me. Am I that important to avoid?)

The Scott I got back was not the Scott I had the first time around.

Just like what happened with Gus. Except this time, it's my fault.


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A few days ago, I had a truly horrible day. It included having a migraine, some awkwardness with Scott, my wallet getting lost, and my car getting towed. (I found the wallet in time to flash my Driver's License to the impound lot and pay the $350 -- which I don't have -- to get my car back.)

And right as I got home, Gus called. He said he happened to be in my part of town and wanted to know if I wanted to meet up for coffee and a chat (we've been working on trying to be friends, and have actually been doing pretty well so far). I started crying, explained the whole ordeal of my day, and said I had no money and didn't want to do anything involving driving and parking.

He picked me up. He changed his mind on coffee, and he drove me to a dimly lit bar to get cocktails instead. And he paid for mine. And we had a really nice, fun, light talk.

Now, in case you don't recall this about me: one drink, and I'm drunk. I drink so infrequently that it has turned me into a really hilarious lightweight. So after one drink, Gus said he thought I seemed pretty far gone, and that he should take me home.

He parked outside my apartment, and we were having a lovely conversation... when suddenly he decided to hit on me, in a really awful way.

My ex-boyfriend got me drunk and propositioned me.

I SCREAMED at him. Because WHAT THE HELL? We were doing so well! We were trying to be friends! THIS IS NOT OKAY.

He tried to brush it all off as a joke. And maybe that was his intention (but I think it was more of a half-joking thing that he might've tried to see if he could get away with it).

I ended up bringing up Scott, as some sort of argumentative weaponry, which I hadn't intended to do. But hey, if Gus's plan had been to get me drunk and try to sweet-talk me, that backfired him in a crazy way.

Gus advised me not to rush into anything with Scott. He said he thinks that I'm uncomfortable being single, but that I shouldn't date someone just to date them. (I don't *think* that's what I'm doing. I always liked Scott. Am I deluded? Does Gus know me better than I know myself? Or is he jealous and frustrated to know that he no longer has me hanging around waiting for him to be ready for me?)

We somehow transitioned back into a nice conversation and left the night on a friendly note.


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I can't help but think that maybe I made a huge mistake.

I should've continued dating Scott.

There was actually a night when I chose Scott. Over the summer. I left Gus a voicemail saying that I was dating someone else who was great, and I hoped he'd be very happy with the Harpy he was seeing, and that I needed some space. And Gus responded with a text message saying, "My life is a waking nightmare." And that night, I found out all about the abuse he had been enduring at the hands of the Harpy. And that began the downward spiral of me feeling confused about Scott and chasing after Gus again.

What if I hadn't left that voicemail?

I would've dated Scott. I would've pushed Gus out of my mind, which I'd been trying to do for months.

Maybe things with Scott would've been great. (And maybe now they can't be, because he doesn't trust me anymore.)

Or maybe things with Scott would've run their course... but it would've given Gus time to heal, and then I could've ended up with a better version of him.

But instead, I ended up with Gus too soon, and Scott (potentially) too late. And I feel weird about all of that.






No. No. No. I will not regret. I will not do that thing I do where I get stuck in what I should have done in the past. I will focus on what I can do in the present.

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In slightly more positive (and non-male-related) news, I had my first day of training for my $9 per hour job today. And it went so well that I'm already being considered for a promotion (to a position with a better rate of pay). So cross your fingers for that for me, please.


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Also, I'm proposing a play for the upcoming season of a Los Angeles theatre company. I spearheaded the project. We've done two readings so far (the one Scott was in, and another that he attended to support me). I'm currently attached as a producer. I'm pretty excited about the project, but it's also a little daunting. Hoping the proposal goes through. Wish me luck.


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That's all I have the attention span to write at the moment.


All good things,

~A~