As I said before, I decided not to blog while I was doing my "Whirled World" series. But one day I became quite emotional, and decided to write a post.
I landed in the USA on July 1st. I believe I wrote this post on August 14th, in case you wanted to get a mental timeline going.
So here's a bit more of the past, before I catch you up on the present.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unpublished Heartbreak
I'm in too deep.
Things have been going really well. We Skype all the time. He's going to try to visit me in October.
And I'm looking into the possibility of moving to London.
Seriously.
As in, I'm about 70% sure that's what I want to do when I'm out of grad school. And I swear, it's not entirely because of him.
Yesterday, I said something that upset him in a conversation. He didn't acknowledge it at the time, but he sent me an e-mail after the fact saying basically, "Hey, this isn't a big deal, but so that we can be clear in our communication..."
And I respected him for sending it. And I was grateful. It's important to be clear in communication in relationships of any sort... ESPECIALLY long distance ones.
I apologized via e-mail. And I spent most of yesterday feeling terrible about things and wanting to apologize verbally over the marvelous medium that is Skype.
But nothing.
Until this morning. When I got an e-mail from him.
"I've been thinking a lot about our situation over the last day or so. Am I always battling with the realism of it."I've jumped into this a little more readily than he has, if only because I'm not focused on the future in the same way that he is. I really, really, really like him. I want to talk to him, write to him, read his e-mails, etc. It's fun. It feels good. It feels right. And it brings me joy.
But he's on another mental plane:
"More than anything, I want us to be in the same place to try and make a real go of things. I want us to be in a fully committed relationship. I would like to have a future with you."Here's what he's thinking: Is she moving here? Could this be it? Could we get married? Could we raise a family?
He talks about the future. He talks about us living together in a house with a yard. He talks about coaching his son's football (soccer) team.
I thought that girls were supposed to be the crazy marriage-fantasizing day-dreamers.
I guess I'm not really that sort of girl. But I do seem to attract that sort of guy.
He mentions frequently that he has this huge debate going between his head and his heart. And then he generally follows it with a comment about how his heart seems to be winning.
Today the e-mail was a little more in favor of his head.
He thinks we need to "dial down" things emotionally for a bit.
I thought that girls were supposed to be the crazy marriage-fantasizing day-dreamers.
I guess I'm not really that sort of girl. But I do seem to attract that sort of guy.
He mentions frequently that he has this huge debate going between his head and his heart. And then he generally follows it with a comment about how his heart seems to be winning.
Today the e-mail was a little more in favor of his head.
"Don't get me wrong, if I knew for definite that you were going to be moving to London (even though I know that's not going to be about me, nor should it be), then that would change things. You are worth waiting for. You are worth the risk."Yes, perhaps it's excessive that we sometimes Skype twice in the same day. But other days we don't Skype at all...
He thinks we need to "dial down" things emotionally for a bit.
"I want you so much. But I need to protect myself a little. I still want to speak to you and everything, obviously, but I wonder if we should perhaps dial down the emotional intensity until we have a better idea of our circumstances, otherwise it could lead to painful heartache for both of us."He still wants to speak to me? HE STILL WANTS TO SPEAK TO ME??? Is that supposed to be comforting?
The funny thing is, if you read the e-mail in its entirety (and not the copied, pasted, rearranged version that I'm posting to at least make some attempt at protecting his privacy), that line comes out of NO WHERE. The e-mail is like "I want to be with you/but this is hard/but I want to be with you even though it's hard"... and then THAT.
He's getting his hopes up, and he wants to protect himself.
He hates the idea that he might put all this energy into me for the next nine months, and then a stick could be thrown in the wheels of me moving there. And he feels like he's too old to waste any time.
The Story of Phil's American Heartbreak
Once upon a time, Phil was dating a girl. She was an American. She was an actress. She lived in New York City. They mostly communicated using Skype.
After dating for a couple of years, the girl decided to move to London to be with him. Phil was thrilled.
Being the hopeless romantic that he was, he daydreamed about their life together. In his head, he started making plans. He thought that when her visa ran out (in a year), then he would propose. She'd have a fiancée visa for 6 months. Then they'd get married, and she'd have a spousal visa. And then a couple of years after that they'd start having children...
He sketched it all out in his mind. He daydreamed about it. He was head-over-heels in love with her. He was happy.
She made plans to move. She figured out the logistics of moving. She had a plane ticket.
The day before she was supposed to get on the plane to move there, the girl sent Phil an e-mail. It said she wouldn't be on the plane the next day. She wasn't moving. She realized that she didn't love him. It was over.
He was shocked and confused. He flew to New York and tried to talk to her. He tried to change her mind. He couldn't. She was done with him.
He was heartbroken. The whole happy future he'd planned out had disappeared without any warning. And he's been afraid of getting hurt ever since.
The End
You understand now, of course, why being with me terrifies him. I'm an American. I'm an actress. I'm in another country, making lofty plans to move towards him. I'm exactly the sort of thing that his brain warns him about.
He has a lot of scar tissue. It has very little to do with me. He's in a vulnerable position again. He needs to guard his heart.
And I get it. I do.
But it still hurts.
It sucks.
I have someone in my life that makes me really happy. And he wants to pull back. And that sucks.
Talking to him is the best part of my day. (Talking about him is my second favorite part.)
But I think he's right, though I hate to admit it.
Because I'm getting dependent on him.
Yes. Dependent on someone who is thousands of miles away. Someone who lives in tomorrow for five hours before it becomes today for me.
Now everything seems so uncertain.
And maybe this is going too far, but part of me thinks that I should mentally treat this like a break-up.
Because then I'll know if I really want to go to London for me and my career, or if I'm going for him.
I WILL NOT go just for him.
I WILL NOT go just for him.
I will do what is best for ME.
You know what? I don't care. With or without him, I still want to move to London. It'll be more difficult without his help. It'll be more difficult without him as an incentive. But I loved London before I met Phil. I don't need him for it to be a happy place for me.
I need to tell him that being with me is a voluntary position. I don't want to be with him if he doesn't want to be with me. And this waffling of his isn't exactly making me feel confident.
He's getting his hopes up, and he wants to protect himself.
He hates the idea that he might put all this energy into me for the next nine months, and then a stick could be thrown in the wheels of me moving there. And he feels like he's too old to waste any time.
"I don't want to be realistic. I want to believe that our fairy-tale romance is going to result in a life of happiness for both of us. But I am worried that I am holding out for something that may not happen. As you know I've been down this route before and it has not worked out well for me."He has been down this route. I don't know if I've mentioned this, so I will now...
The Story of Phil's American Heartbreak
Once upon a time, Phil was dating a girl. She was an American. She was an actress. She lived in New York City. They mostly communicated using Skype.
After dating for a couple of years, the girl decided to move to London to be with him. Phil was thrilled.
Being the hopeless romantic that he was, he daydreamed about their life together. In his head, he started making plans. He thought that when her visa ran out (in a year), then he would propose. She'd have a fiancée visa for 6 months. Then they'd get married, and she'd have a spousal visa. And then a couple of years after that they'd start having children...
He sketched it all out in his mind. He daydreamed about it. He was head-over-heels in love with her. He was happy.
She made plans to move. She figured out the logistics of moving. She had a plane ticket.
The day before she was supposed to get on the plane to move there, the girl sent Phil an e-mail. It said she wouldn't be on the plane the next day. She wasn't moving. She realized that she didn't love him. It was over.
He was shocked and confused. He flew to New York and tried to talk to her. He tried to change her mind. He couldn't. She was done with him.
He was heartbroken. The whole happy future he'd planned out had disappeared without any warning. And he's been afraid of getting hurt ever since.
The End
You understand now, of course, why being with me terrifies him. I'm an American. I'm an actress. I'm in another country, making lofty plans to move towards him. I'm exactly the sort of thing that his brain warns him about.
He has a lot of scar tissue. It has very little to do with me. He's in a vulnerable position again. He needs to guard his heart.
And I get it. I do.
But it still hurts.
It sucks.
I have someone in my life that makes me really happy. And he wants to pull back. And that sucks.
Talking to him is the best part of my day. (Talking about him is my second favorite part.)
But I think he's right, though I hate to admit it.
Because I'm getting dependent on him.
Yes. Dependent on someone who is thousands of miles away. Someone who lives in tomorrow for five hours before it becomes today for me.
Now everything seems so uncertain.
And maybe this is going too far, but part of me thinks that I should mentally treat this like a break-up.
Because then I'll know if I really want to go to London for me and my career, or if I'm going for him.
I WILL NOT go just for him.
I WILL NOT go just for him.
I will do what is best for ME.
You know what? I don't care. With or without him, I still want to move to London. It'll be more difficult without his help. It'll be more difficult without him as an incentive. But I loved London before I met Phil. I don't need him for it to be a happy place for me.
I need to tell him that being with me is a voluntary position. I don't want to be with him if he doesn't want to be with me. And this waffling of his isn't exactly making me feel confident.
May your fear of heartbreak not prevent you from being happy.
~A~
P.S.
"'Cause I'm not her
I'm not the one who left you wild and feeling sorry
And I'm not her
I'm not the one who broke your heart
No, I'm not them
Though I may as well have been
'Cause you already wrote our story
But I'm not her
I'm just me"
- The Chenille Sisters, Roadmaps
~A~
P.S.
"'Cause I'm not her
I'm not the one who left you wild and feeling sorry
And I'm not her
I'm not the one who broke your heart
No, I'm not them
Though I may as well have been
'Cause you already wrote our story
But I'm not her
I'm just me"
- The Chenille Sisters, Roadmaps
5 comments:
I didn't mean to delete my previous comment.
So here it is:
As usual when reading about your escapades through life, I have to remind myself that this is NOT your NaNoWriMo novel, you are not a fictional heroine, and these people are more than a cast of characters meant to give you hurdles and sounding boards. But it's hard!
The way you describe the way you felt on your European excursion reminds me so much of how I felt when I was living in Ireland. I became myself in a way I didn't know I could, and grew up--or so I thought--and while I'm itching to go back there, I worry that it can never be again what it was for me then. I worry that because I was ripped from it so suddenly, and thrust into such a horrific situation stateside, that I'm looking at it through rose-colored nostalgic glasses.
I don't know where life has taken you with Phil in the past month, but I'm glad you're telling yourself (and hopefully you're not lying to yourself) that you will move for YOU, and not only him. But I also wonder why a person can't be as important or valid of a reason as any other...
You only live once; you're only young once; there are no do-overs, etc, etc, cliche, cliche...
May your fairy tale continue to be as exciting as a NaNoWriMo novel.
It's a shame that the scars we receive emotionally within relationships can cause us to doubt future ones, but it also so odd how many parallels there are between you and Phil's ex. I'm not saying you are like her, don't get me wrong, just the whole American actress thing. What are the chances he would fall for an American actress again???
Unless it was meant to be . . .
Ouch. That was the hopeless romantic in me trying to overcome the cynic in me. But in you and Phil's case, the romantic part always wins over. :)
Every relationship goes through this should-we or shouldn't-we cycle. It's vicious, and that you're playing it out via web cam makes it magnified 100 times. It sounds like he wants some sort of guarantee (which you obviously can't give him) and is letting the lack thereof get to him. I don't blame him. I've been the guarantee-wanter in a relationship, and it's a hard spot. I've also been the person who can't make any promises, like you are here, and that might be worse. Let him come in October. See how he fares on your turf, with the "Angela as actress" frame up--because if you were to move to London, that would play a part in your relationship.
I'm quietly cheering for the fairy tale to come true.
Just in terms of logistics, you can do it.
One of my best friends moved to Scotland for grad school and wanted to stay. He was able to work things out Visa-wise as a student, then with a work permit, and so on.
He's now been living in the UK for the past 3 years, so it is possible.
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