And we're back... ;)
All or Nothing
Luckily, I didn't respond right away to the e-mail that Phil sent me on August 14th, in which he was freaking out in my general direction. I received it within a minute of him sending it. And I wanted to write him. But in a rare moment of emotional intelligence and clarity of forethought, I decided to wait. I needed a little time before responding so that I wouldn't say anything that I would later regret. Instead, I wrote that last blog post and left it in my "Drafts" folder.
Thank God I didn't write him.
About two hours after that e-mail, he sent this one:
And then I got three more. Apologizing for freaking out. Saying he wished I were there. Assuring me that what he ultimately wants is for things between us to work out. Explaining that his friends were concerned that he was getting into the same situation all over again. They didn't want him to be destroyed again, as he was the last time.
It's not about me. It's not about us. He's freaking out because he's afraid of getting hurt again. I know that. And I understand that.
Things went temporarily back to normal.
On the night of August 17th, I was doing pretty much what I'm always doing the day before I take a plane somewhere: packing late at night. I had to leave for the airport at 4:45am on the 18th (to head back to Florida for the school year), so naturally I began packing around midnight. And then my computer started ringing
By ringing, I mean Skype. Phil was calling. At 12:30am. I remind you that he is in a different time zone, meaning that he was actually calling at 5:30am, his time. Needless to say, I was surprised to hear from him.
He said he was calling because he couldn't sleep. He couldn't stop thinking about me. And freaking out.
He thought that maybe the reason that he was freaking out was because we were in this weird undefined limbo relationship zone. He said maybe it would best to go all or nothing. Either be an exclusive, committed, boyfriend-girlfriend labeled, facebook-declared couple, or decide once and for all that this ultimately was not going to work out and turn our connection into occasional international online pen-pals who neither flirt nor expect anything from each other.
He asked me what I thought.
I told him I didn't really understand the question.
Going the "All" route wouldn't change much for me. Whether we were calling ourselves "exclusive" or not, I didn't want anyone but him. Whether we were calling ourselves "committed" or not, I was very much committed to this. If he needed/wanted labels, then that was fine. But it was up to him.
I also said that if he needed to go the other direction, the "Nothing" route, then that was fine, too. This situation was (is) a voluntary one. I just needed him to let me know. Preferably sooner rather than later.
We spoke for a little while longer before I was able to convince him that he should get off the phone. He said that he thought he was comforted enough to get to sleep.
I had a feeling when I spoke to him that night that what he needed from me was reassurance that I wasn't going to abandon him.
Luckily, I didn't respond right away to the e-mail that Phil sent me on August 14th, in which he was freaking out in my general direction. I received it within a minute of him sending it. And I wanted to write him. But in a rare moment of emotional intelligence and clarity of forethought, I decided to wait. I needed a little time before responding so that I wouldn't say anything that I would later regret. Instead, I wrote that last blog post and left it in my "Drafts" folder.
Thank God I didn't write him.
About two hours after that e-mail, he sent this one:
And then I see your face on your facebook profile and I fall for you all over again.
I just want to with you so badly, this is so hard.
xxx
And then I got three more. Apologizing for freaking out. Saying he wished I were there. Assuring me that what he ultimately wants is for things between us to work out. Explaining that his friends were concerned that he was getting into the same situation all over again. They didn't want him to be destroyed again, as he was the last time.
It's not about me. It's not about us. He's freaking out because he's afraid of getting hurt again. I know that. And I understand that.
Things went temporarily back to normal.
On the night of August 17th, I was doing pretty much what I'm always doing the day before I take a plane somewhere: packing late at night. I had to leave for the airport at 4:45am on the 18th (to head back to Florida for the school year), so naturally I began packing around midnight. And then my computer started ringing
By ringing, I mean Skype. Phil was calling. At 12:30am. I remind you that he is in a different time zone, meaning that he was actually calling at 5:30am, his time. Needless to say, I was surprised to hear from him.
He said he was calling because he couldn't sleep. He couldn't stop thinking about me. And freaking out.
He thought that maybe the reason that he was freaking out was because we were in this weird undefined limbo relationship zone. He said maybe it would best to go all or nothing. Either be an exclusive, committed, boyfriend-girlfriend labeled, facebook-declared couple, or decide once and for all that this ultimately was not going to work out and turn our connection into occasional international online pen-pals who neither flirt nor expect anything from each other.
He asked me what I thought.
I told him I didn't really understand the question.
Going the "All" route wouldn't change much for me. Whether we were calling ourselves "exclusive" or not, I didn't want anyone but him. Whether we were calling ourselves "committed" or not, I was very much committed to this. If he needed/wanted labels, then that was fine. But it was up to him.
I also said that if he needed to go the other direction, the "Nothing" route, then that was fine, too. This situation was (is) a voluntary one. I just needed him to let me know. Preferably sooner rather than later.
We spoke for a little while longer before I was able to convince him that he should get off the phone. He said that he thought he was comforted enough to get to sleep.
I had a feeling when I spoke to him that night that what he needed from me was reassurance that I wasn't going to abandon him.
So I gave him that.
In retrospect, it wasn't exactly the smartest relationship move I've ever made.
Why? Because it put me in an incredibly vulnerable position. I jumped in with both feet, while he was still playing the hokey-pokey with his right foot. I told him that I'm not dating anyone else, without requesting or requiring the same exclusivity from him. I laid all my cards on the table.
In retrospect, it wasn't exactly the smartest relationship move I've ever made.
Why? Because it put me in an incredibly vulnerable position. I jumped in with both feet, while he was still playing the hokey-pokey with his right foot. I told him that I'm not dating anyone else, without requesting or requiring the same exclusivity from him. I laid all my cards on the table.
He can go date other people, and he knows I won't. He could stop taking this seriously, and he knows I still would be.
In other words, I did pretty much what every self-help dating book warns women against. (I mean, not like I've read those... or own any of them... Well... only, like, four). I inadvertently gave him all the power in the relationship (or whatever it is that this non-defined non-relationship that we're in should be called).
Why did I do that?
I think it's because I finally felt safe in this. Somehow, his clearly fearful, wishy-washy behavior from the week had actually made me MORE secure. Maybe stupidly so. But that's how I felt. And I wanted him to feel that way, too.
Why did I do that?
I think it's because I finally felt safe in this. Somehow, his clearly fearful, wishy-washy behavior from the week had actually made me MORE secure. Maybe stupidly so. But that's how I felt. And I wanted him to feel that way, too.
[Side note: I made the mistake of reading the book Why Men Love Bitches not long after this (I purchased it for a friend about a year ago, but never actually got the chance to give it to her... and I was bored...). And then I beat myself up about being the exact sort of stereotypical female that I pride myself on not being. And then I called Brian, and he talked me down for like an hour. And I remembered something that I once knew: that no two relationships are the same, and that no book can tell you how to live your life.]
I went back to talking with Phil as much as possible. We Skyped every day. We even had a streak in which we were Skyping for at least 2.5 hours a day over 5 days straight.
We talk about everything, as you often do with people with whom you share a deep connection. I've helped him with his writing, being the Muse that I love to be. He told me about his busy days. I told him about how frightfully boring mine were. We talked about the possibility of seeing each other.
We talk about everything, as you often do with people with whom you share a deep connection. I've helped him with his writing, being the Muse that I love to be. He told me about his busy days. I told him about how frightfully boring mine were. We talked about the possibility of seeing each other.
We were hoping that he'd be able to come here in October, but that started to look like less of a realistic possibility when his work schedule changed. I started looking into going out there in November (a month during which I was supposed to have large expanses of spare time), but then found out that I'm being required to stay in town for a few things. And so I started looking into traveling to see him during the first week of December (which, at the moment, still looks like our best bet... but I have not yet been able to obtain permission from my school/theatre to book the trip).
And things felt right.
Maybe I had to give up some power so that I wouldn't have to give up him.
To be continued...
May you find the benefits in choosing "All" over "Nothing".
~A~
1 comment:
All or Nothing is an O-Town song. It just struck me as ironic.
Reading your blog and your twitter at the same time is like shifting back and forth in time, in a fun way.
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