You know what I should NOT be doing right now?
Blogging.
Whoops.
I have so much to do. Cleaning. Laundry. Shopping. Homework. Reading. Research. All the errands that I promised myself that I'd run today because it's easier to do them on Mondays than any other day but that I didn't run because I really like having Mondays off and completely doing nothing...
I keep allowing the things I deem to be "life" get in the way. Buying things for my Halloween costume with Wifey. Going to group functions and gatherings for socialization. Getting caught up on Battlestar Galactica so that I can discuss it with Killer. Discussing possible casting for the 2nd-years with my roommates. Trying to figure out what the heck a "sibilant s" sound is, why I have it, and how to get rid of it.
My concept of time here is so off. I've had four weeks of classes. In many ways I feel like I just got here. Some days pass so quickly, and others last forever, and somehow they all sort of blend together. It's weird that I haven't blogged since Thursday, because I feel like I just did it yesterday, and part of me feels like it's too soon to write again.
I don't understand my relationships. I have classmates. I have colleagues. I have roommates. I have professors. But I'm not sure I feel comfortable saying that I have friends.
Right now as I was typing, there was a giant BURST of thunder. But there's no rain. This place doesn't make sense.
I think I just need more time to find my place.
We still haven't gotten our understudy assignments, and I'm getting antsy. Rumor has it that they'll be posted on Thursday or Friday.
I went to a gathering last night, mostly of 2nd-years. Two of my classmates (All-the-Way & D-Train) were there, and we stuck together for most of the night.
We started discussing our "types". All-the-Way is worried that she's going to get typed as "The Ingenue" for the next three years, and D-Train is concerned that he'll be "The Lover". I hope they don't. They're both talented and versatile, and they can do so much more than those things that they're perpetually typecast as.
I told them that, in some ways, they're lucky. They know what their types are, so they can specialize. I have no clue where I'm going to be.
They told me they think I'm a leading lady; I'm just too young to get those roles yet. All-the-Way says she sees me as strong, striking, and sexy. When I refuted the sexy part, D-Train said I have a sexy energy, but I don't know how to tap into yet. He says it's easier for me to take it to a goofy place than the sexy place, but he thinks I'll learn how to refocus it. It was all very complimentary. I wasn't really sure how to take it (as usual... accepting compliments isn't my strong suit).
We discussed some of our concerns with our class. The guy who doesn't want to be here. The inequity already evident in the way exercises are divided. And, perhaps most importantly, the sexual tension surrounding us.
The vast majority of people here are either single or away from their significant others. One of my schoolmates once suggested that we should all just make out with each other and get it out of the way. I think he was only half-joking.
It's not so much that I need affection. It's more that I'm lonely. My roommates are rarely home, so I spend most of my evenings in solitude. Which shouldn't bother me, as I lived alone in Chicago. But it does.
I wish that when classes were over, I could just drive over to someone's house, cuddle with them, vent, and then have them tell me all the stories of their day that have nothing to do with the stories from mine. Someone to be there when I need them. Someone to be proud of me. Someone to stroke my hair and tell me that everything is going to be alright.
Here venting is weird, because everyone knows exactly what you're going through. You'd think that would help... but sometimes, it just means that you feel stranger about venting. I feel so whiny and weak.
But here we start a new week, filled with new challenges. And I know that I will survive it. Just like I did the week before. Just like I plan to in the weeks to come.
That's all for now. So much reading to do, not to mention all the physical homework (when's the last time your homework involved stretching your tongue while looking in a mirror?).
May the things in your life make a little bit of sense.
~A~
Monday, September 22, 2008
Just Adjusting
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17 comments:
Sounds like you need to meet some people outside of your school.
Agreed about the meeting people outside the classroom.
But, also, I think it is all just adjusting. It's hard to start school (esp. one as full and time consuming as yours) and moving. It all takes time to, like you said, find your place. I know for me, just starting school was difficult. It was falling into the routine of going to school and going to work and then doing it all over again the next day. Time consuming, tiring, a big adjustment. It will all fall into place soon enough.
I want to hear more about the joint Halloween costume.
You're doing well, seriously, so just let things come slowly and naturally. But I do agree with the dutchess of kickball...you need to meet someone outside of your school. Or at least outside of the theatre department.
Every time I sit down to read blogs or write I know that I should be doing something else... I guess there are worse things I could do.
Stretching your tongue? That sounds like a better exercise to do with a boyfriend! Haha
Strangely timed as I'm at a life stage where "my place" is still up in the air.
The only suggestion I have is to spend your alone hours plotting something genius - something creative, something distracting.
But if you do come up with something helping to define "your place", let us all know, because some of us could use the advice.
what is this halloween business you speak of? i need ideas. stat, haha.
Yeah, I know what you're talking about. Work is the same for me. I hate venting to people at work because its the same whiny story every time, but I can't complain to anyone else because if you dont work in a theme park, you wouldn't understand.
Actually its kinda strange complaining that I can't complain. hmm...
Small programs are always difficult because they become so incestuous and gossipy, at least in my experience. But that's what the blog is for: to rant and rave all you want without abandon...or something like that.
I think I can relate to the weirdness of the "friend" tag.
I refer to the people I hang out with as precisely that, or as my hall-mates (because they mostly are,) but it just feels weird to call them my friends. It is starting to seem less weird though, I must say.
I'm sure you'll meet people and become close with them in time, it just takes a little while I think.
And I also know what you mean about how the fact that everyone is going through the same stuff somehow doesn't make it better- it always makes me feel like my feelings are common somehow
well, I'd write more, but in the spirit of the whole "I should be doing something else" thing, I have a paper to be writing.
I should be working right now.
And I can tell you everything will be alright.
Oh and maybe you feel lonely because even though you lived alone, its Chicago? Chicago is soooo busy.
Did you ever figure out what that "sibilant s" thing is? Is it contagious?
I liked what you said about having friends, you have classmates, you have teachers, you have all these different titles to people whom you spend so much time with but are they friends?
I always try to go some place completely different than where peopel from work would be when I want to connect and make new friends.
I feel like the only time I get any blogging done is when I shouldn't be blogging.
Hey there.
I can't stand dogs. Period. It's a Guantanamo-level crime with some people, but you are not alone.
I've done a ghastly job of keeping up with things like your blog and your nice posts on my Facebook wall from back in the day. Things have become strange and lonely for me here in MI and I can't wait to get out of here and go sing on a cruise ship before going back to medical school in a year.
I hope things are great for you and that you get to wear Keds every day in the nice weather.
I hope that the sexual tension surrounding your class doesn't end up exploding with reckless abandon. Powder kegs like that can end up being wayyy too explosive and it when it goes, it GOES.
Not worried about you acting up, but damn some of your classmates act like they are on the Real World! LOL I say that in utter fun, but seriously you have some fun people around you at all times.
And that person who said they didn't even want to really be there- well F YOU dude. That is so ridiculous it's not even funny. Even if he wasn't going for free, I would be way irritated with him. You are in graduate school- it's not a time to just "go" to school because you're bored. You have to want it. And to be surrounded by non-serious people in a setting such as that would be beyond frustrating.
Keep on keeping on....
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